The Hokage Naruto Uzimaki ordered Sasuke Uchiha to arrive at his office for a new and urgent mission. When Sasuke arrived, he found Naruto wearing his full Hokage robe and hat and standing behind his desk with his arms crossed..

"I've called you in today for a very important mission. For the sake of the whole village I'm counting on you not to screw it up!" said Naruto. "This Valentine's Day, I need you to tell Sakura exactly where you stand with her so she won't spend another year being completely confused and upset!"

Naruto placed on his desk the evidence of Sasuke's latest crime, a letter that had been crumbled and stained with tears.

Haruno Sakura,

Do not contact me. This is my last message.

Uchiha Sasuke

"How could you be so cruel, Sasuke?!" asked Naruto with tears springing in his own eyes at the outrage towards poor Sakura-chan.

"What is wrong with that letter? I meant that I was about to enter enemy territory and did not wish her identity to be discovered by my many foes."

"Well then why didn't you say that Sasuke?!" asked Naruto.

"Because then my foes would know that too…" Sasuke replied.

"Duh, Naruto," thought Sasuke.

"Sasuke, you have to think about how Sakura will interpret what you write to her! She thought you had broken up! She was crying for weeks! Now she's started going on dates with other guys!"

"Other guys?!" Sasuke began to imagine vividly a multitude of unworthy (yet talented, handsome, and vaguely Itachi-resembling) shinobis throwing themselves at Sakura. A more torturous image could not have been generated by the most wicked genjutsu.

"What you need, Sasuke," said Naruto, "is a wise master to teach you The Hidden Art…of Communication!"

"The Hidden…what?"

"It's a ninja art that was said to be lost long ago, many years before the village of Konoha was first formed! But, with the help of Kurama's guidance, I have rediscovered this lost ninja art and am here to share all my super-secret wisdom with you, Sasuke!"

Sasuke sensed a headache about to come on. At the same time, he was not one to back down from a chance to prove himself better than his rival.

"What exactly is this oh-so-great hidden art?"

"Well, the first part of the art of communication is expressing yourself through body language!"

"I express myself through body language."

"Poking people on the forehead does not count, Sasuke! Nobody knows what the hell that means. If you want to show Sakura how you feel, you should use gestures that people can actually understand, like winking, or smiling, or pumping your fists in the air like this! Or crying tears of sorrow whenever one of your precious bonds is threatened or torn apart! Yelling someone's name really loud shows you care too!"

"Ninjas aren't supposed to show their emotions." Sasuke reiterated the rule from their first day of Ninja school, a rule he felt most of his graduating class must have been sleeping when it was taught. "And won't yelling someone's name just tip off their location to anyone in a nearby radius?"

"But you want to show your feelings to Sakura! That's what The Hidden Art of Communication is all about! How do you think Sakura got so confused about whether you were even together?"

"I don't know… I thought I had been fairly straightforward…"

"SASUKE!" Naruto wailed. "You never tell her when you're going to be in the village or when you're leaving. You're gone for months at a time and you don't even send her that many letters while you're away!"

"I do send letters to Sakura. It is not my fault if sometimes my messenger hawk gets distracted by mice or diverted by ill winds…"

"Sure, okay, okay, Sasuke…I guess that can happen when you communicate only by messenger hawk…but if you haven't noticed this is the twenty-first century in Konoha now! We have this awesome thing called a cell phone!"

Naruto pulled his shiny new iphone out of his pocket.

"See this? You can use it to send messages to anyone, record all your memories and go anywhere you want, as long as it's inside your own head!"

Sasuke looked at the cell phone and frowned disdainfully.

"You make it sound like this...thing…makes the Sharingan obsolete."

"Yes, Sasuke, yes it does."

Naruto pulled next to Sasuke, so his teammate could better see the screen. "Here, I'll show you how to text. It's like sending a messenger hawk but about six months quicker! You can also use the phone to speak directly to whoever you want. And here's the camera, if you want to send sexy videos!"

Naruto turned on the "record" setting to demonstrate.

"It's copying my movements with its blazing red eye!" Thought Sasuke as the cell phone's camera was activated. "Die, phone, die, die, die!"

Sasuke incinerated the phone with his chidori.

"What the hell, teme?!" Naruto said as his new, taxpayer-funded phone turned to ash.

"Forgive me, Naturo," said Sasuke, bowing, "I will repent for my sins by going away on a journey of atonement."

"Why don't you buy me a newer phone instead?! That's what I really want. What you came up with just sounds like a vacation!"

Sasuke made no response to this well-articulated request.

"And if you hate using a phone so much," Naruto added, "why don't you at least try writing Sakura a real romantic love note instead of the boring letters you usually send while you're a way?"

"A…romantic…note…"

"Yeah, not every message you send to Sakura has to be about battles and missions. You could write to her about your feelings instead."

"Here, let me show you an example," Naruto removed a scroll from his drawer. "This is a letter I wrote to Hinata."

"Dearest Sweetie,

I miss you so much! When we are apart, it is like a day without sunshine! You are my dream come true! You are as delicious as a bowl of Ramen but sexier! I will love you forever, that's a promise!

Love,

Naruto"

The Hokage provided a scroll and some ink for Sasuke to try.

"I don't know…I'm not sure I can do this…"

"It's not that hard, Sasuke! Just write whatever is in your heart."

"I don't have a heart." Sasuke insisted. "I am an avenger. I hate everything and I don't like anything."

"You can keep telling yourself that, Sasuke. But if you do, you'll have nobody but yourself to blame if you lose Sakura."

Sasuke stared at the blank scroll Naruto had left for him. This was shaping up to be hardest mission the Hokage had ever given him. He could hardly stand the thought of writing anything gushy or romantic, but he also couldn't stand the thought of Sakura being heartbroken or going out with anyone else. And if he was really going to make his dream of restoring the Uchiha clan a reality, he might have to face the hardest challenge of all.

Sakura sat alone in her room eating chocolate ice cream in her pajamas. It was Valentine's Day and although a few boys had tried to make moves on her, she had turned down their advances. She just hadn't felt like going out since she had received the letter from Sasuke that she assumed was a final rejection of her feelings.

While she was beginning to consider whether or not to call Ino to commiserate on her heartbreak, she heard the sound of wings tapping on her window. She saw Sasuke's messenger hawk on her windowpane with a pink envelope in his beak.

Sakura let the hawk into her room and opened the envelope it was holding.

Inside the envelope was a letter written in meticulous calligraphy.

Dear Sakura,

You are sweet like revenge but without the bitter aftertaste of cruel revelations.

You are soft, like a feathery pillow that is not eventually discovered to be the decorative covering for a bed of lies.

You are like bright sunshine and blossoming flowers, but not like in the Ari Aster film Midsommar where the bright lighting and floral imagery is weaponized by the seductive machinations of a predatory cult.

You are slender yet strong, like a shuriken, and brightly colored yet nourishing, like a tomato.

Your forehead is also very cute.

Love,

Sasuke

Sakura placed her hand on her heart as she fainted with happiness.

That was the night that Konoha's strongest kunoichi nearly died from the most potent and ancient art of communication.