Is this all there is?

...What do I mean? I mean, this. The life I, and many more, live.

A reclusive, lonely life. Devoid of any noteworthy moments or memories.

Except the bad ones, of course. There are always so, so many of those.

Is it painful knowing that I've been left behind by my friends? Of course. I cared about them deeply.

Is it saddening knowing I'm so easy to hate? I don't see why it wouldn't be. Being told that people are scared or intimidated because of me... It stings. And I don't know how to change it.

Do I wish things could change?

...That's a silly question. A better question would be "do I give up?"

Do I accept the bad hand life has given me, in which I've lost so much and gained so little?

Is it worth ending it before it's time, or do I try to push forward in the hope of change?

I can't answer that. I don't even think I want to...

This feeling... Empty. Some know it, some don't. I envy those who don't immensely.

Joy, sadness, excitement, satisfaction...

What is it like when they become rare? Nothing phases you anymore. Nothing makes you cry, nothing makes you happy.

Melancholy.

Or, as it's officially defined, an overwhelming sadness with no obvious cause.

But the cause is obvious, isn't it?

You know why. You're part of the cause.

I was scorned by people unfairly, some of them even lying to make me seem worse.

I fell for someone who only had themselves in mind, and left me by the curb when it suited them.

I tried so hard to make friends, only to have them decide I wasn't worth the trouble in the end.

I chose to try an online avenue, only for a large group of people to slowly grow to hate me.

My last friends left me behind after they found new people to be around. They no longer treat me like I exist.

And it's all my fault. It always has been.

I chose all of this.

And I hate myself for it.

And now, it's too late to change before I lose everything completely. I have to start over entirely.

But... I still haven't decided if it's worth it. It could so easily happen again, after all, people still say I intimidate them with my normal demeanor. Everything could even get worse...

...Why am I telling you all of this?

...

...Because...

It hurts. It hurts so much.

I needed it to be said. Even if it was to you. I couldn't keep it to myself and pretend everything was alright anymore.

I just want to feel something again. I want to laugh at someone's joke and be able to smile afterwards.

I want to get invested into a story so much I cry at the end of it.

I want to be excited when someone tells me good news.

But I can't...

I shuffle through life, with my only comfort being the music I enjoy.

I don't even have to fake it anymore. Everyone expects me to be this way.

Empty.

...Why are you hugging me...?

I don't deserve it...

You... You can... Let go now...

I... I...

The faint sound of someone crying is all that is heard...