How They Met

I had never seen him before, yet, I knew that I liked him from the moment I saw him. Even though I didn't want to admit it. We had met within a group of friends, and we clicked instantly. We couldn't stop talking with each other. Apparently, we were the most interesting things in each others lives.

He was just a normal school kid, with slight bullying issues. He could draw, he had a channel on social media, and he had family issues. An average; in my opinion.

I, on the other hand, had too many problems to be classified as a normal person. I couldn't go outside, I had family issues, I had mental problems, I barely ate, I couldn't trust anyone, and vice versa. Yet... He still thought that I was just another person in the crowd.

At first.

When we first started talking, I would always pretend that I was happy. I didn't want him to worry, or think I was weird and stop talking to me.

We started doing that weird thing crushes do to eachother. I wouldn't classify it as flirting. It was more like teasing, but in a gentle way. Sometimes, I would slip up when we did this, and fortunately, he wouldn't notice. Until the slip-ups started getting more and more frequent.

He slowly came to realize that I had been pretending all this time. I thought he would have been mad at me for it. Say that I shouldn't keep all these feelings locked away, that I should have talked to someone about it.

But...

He didn't. He didn't feel pity for me, or feel sorry. He didn't even laugh at me. He didn't act like everyone else. He understood what I was going through..

And for the first time in such a long time.. I had felt happy.

He became the first person to ever break my shell. He managed to learn about how my heart worked. I had never done that to anyone before. I would always hide away and pretend I was fine, and hope that people would leave. This time... It was different.

I never wanted him to leave. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to talk to me. I had finally been dragged out of the dark pits I was in, and I was starting to feel again.

Soon enough, the hours that we would spend together became longer. We never stopped talking, and.. It never got boring. Somehow, he would always keep our conversations interesting. No matter what we did, I was always so excited. I could never calm down every time I heard his voice.

After a few months, I managed to confess to him. And to my surprise and great relief, he felt the same.

We started going out together almost immediately, and it was perfect. I had never been happier in my entire life. Until... It was messed up.

I met his long term friend before I officially started talking to him, and afterwards I decided to catch up with her. I showed her some of my... not very PG rated drawings, and she had told me that I was quite a weird fan girl. When I had told her that we were dating, she seemed surprised.

I asked her what was wrong when she went silent, and she told me that she was dating him as well.

At that moment, my heart broke. Shattered into pieces.

I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe that the love of my life had done this to me. I was so angry and hurt. I started to think it was my fault, that I wasn't good enough for him.

I went to confront him right after that, and... It turned out to be true. I was disgusted. How could I be with someone who wouldn't commit themselves to me? I didn't talk to him for weeks after that. I didn't even want to hear his name.

I received a message from him basically begging to forgive me. He said that he would never do it again. That he would stay mine forever, and ever. That he would never hurt me again.

Of course, I was so happy that he still wanted to stay with me. I immediately accepted his apology, but... I still wasn't completely happy.

More problems surfaced after that. We fought at times, and it would always make me sad when we did. Soon.. I started cutting my arms. I was trying to release the pain. I hurt. It hurt really badly, but... It felt good to finally release myself.

I started hurting myself more frequently. Every single time, I couldn't even imagine what would happen if he found out. Until one day.. I let it slip. He was so angry at me, but mostly at himself for not being able to stop it.

Then... months later, I broke up with him. It wasn't because we had drifted apart. It wasn't because I wasn't interested anymore. It wasn't because I found someone else.

It was because I was too afraid that I was going to hurt him again.

When I finally did, he was heart broken. It destroyed him. He didn't know what to do with himself anymore.. and frankly.. the same thing happened to me. I went with someone else to try and ease the pain, and It worked for some time. Until I started talking with him again.

I realized I made a terrible mistake. I didn't have the heart to break up with who I went with. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. There were so many people who were going to hate me if I did it. Was I afraid?

Of course I was. I didn't want to feel what it was like when people hated you, and they made sure your life was miserable. But... what was the point of it anyways? I had wanted to be alone from the start, so why did I mix myself into this mess?

Just because I didn't know what I wanted, I'm hurting...

And now...?

Everyone I care about is suffering, and it's all my fault.