"What is a man?" Sonic spoke soothingly to his Chili DogTM-branded chili dog.
"A miserable little pile of secrets," replied the meaty meal. It flung itself from the hedgehog's holy hand and landed with a resounding thud.
The floor in which the chili dog had landed thudded resoundingly in response and drew five cards from its deck, successfully assembling a full house. Knuckles spied on the collection from the Mayan temples with his spyglass of power.
"What do you eye?" asked Pohatu, Toa of Stone, and Knuckles's best Bionicle Bro.
Knuckles sighed and shoved the spyglass back down his esophagus and into his inner machinations like an echidna enigma.
"Cri-key..." chuckled Tails from atop his throne of white and gold. He used his twin tails to propel the throne forward, mainly due to the fact that he was a lazy individual with hatred for large-mouthed bass.
"Tails, what do you require?" growled the red spiky one. "Can you not see that the crisis I am imploring is totes ugly?"
Tails released six Chaos Emeralds from his core. They landed at Knuckles's feet like wilted flowers. Tulips, to be precise.
"Let's book it to Paris!" Knuckles grinned, assembling the six Emeralds into a Chip Skylark concert.
"Shiny teeth! Shiny teeth!" shouted Pohatu.
Knuckles looked up at the sky and resumed looking lookingly. He saw Sonic nicking saws with his new shoes.
"How dare he!" Knuckles grit his teeth until they broke under pressure. He received dentures from his insurance agency as compensation for his arthritis medication.
"Nice pearly whites, Knux!" laughed Sonic with his horrid mouth. Knuckles wanted to thoroughly destroy Sonic's trachea.
Sonic picked up a scone which lay at the feet of Amy Rose's umbrella. "Do I see this with my own eye?" he asked his friends and family.
Knuckles shrugged, ate vegemite right-handed and broke into the library next door.
Gil Nexdor sat at his reading chair, reading the ancient texts and speaking magic with his duderino vibes. Both Susan and Mary would have died for his righteous goodness.
Sonic and the gang were neither Susan nor Mary, so they were not wooed by his handsome hair and charming ears.
"I dislike you," Gil spoke to Sonic.
Sonic wept. He cradled his broken spirit and resided in St. Louis.
ONE WEEK LATER...
Bokkun arrived with a message from his fabulous father, Dr. Eggman the Human. Sonic read the message with his educated eyeballs. He learnt of the fanfiction provided by these fine retailers.
"I see," said Sonic, gazing at the message with attentive lifespans. He hurriedly saddled his horses and houses. He took off to Gil's library for the ultimate rematch.
"What is going down, Sonic?" asked Tails from his perch above the Louisville archway. "I can see you are heading back to reclaim your winnings from Gil Nexdor. Are you prepared to fail again?"
Sonic smirked. "My attitude is directly unrelated to loss. I shall achieve victory like a misspelt crocodile!"
"That is a very grand speech," said Tails, hopping down to join his brotherly companion. "I will aid you with my fists of fury and gorgeous qualities!"
Sonic inspected Tails's gorgeous hands. "Yes! I agree with your hands!"
"Gnarly!" cried Knuckles, entering the conversation via Discord. He brought his training weights along with him because he had to build up muscles for charity's sake. "Sonic! How do you do?"
"I do," said Sonic, nodding expertly like a bobblehead who got paid mondo overtime.
The trio went to the library. "Hey, howdy, hey!" Sonic announced to the reading location, using his hands to hold books and turn pages faster than the speed of sound. Tails and Knuckles were very impressed by this amazing feat.
Gil Nexdor sat on his wicked toolbox and took out his monkey wrench of death. "I will defeat your spirit again! Just like last time, homie!"
Knuckles smirked. "This is before you knew the true Sonic!" he warned with echidna vibes. He then danced a solid number and broke into the sickest rap this side of Mobius.
"Mobius is a fake," mused Tails aloud. He ripped up the treasure map of his soul and collapsed into the darkest darkness. He no longer existed in the realm of the living, but instead became a mighty one with great brains.
"Stellar know-how, twin-butted one!" said Gil. He revved up his monkey wrench's chainsaw effect.
"Diddy Kong's single eye..." Sonic seethed. He pulled out his machine gun and pelted the books with savage metal. All books fell from the shelves and bled words from their hallowed pages.
"My material is dead!" cried Gil as his nose imploded like an onion of chaos.
"We did make sure of that," said Sonic. He grinned at the camera for the general purpose of accommodating for his hair loss.
Knuckles gasped as he finally noticed that Sonic, his dear friend, was balding. He cursed the earth below his feet and the stars above. He wept bitterly into a can of succotash and tore into a bag of tortellini. This was a life of luxury and he was tired of simply taking it all for granted.
Sonic smiled wholesomely at his monotreme compadre. "Fear only the nothing, lad..." he spoke with benevolent tongue-movements.
Knuckles nodded, picked himself off of the dirty ground, and reinvigorated his mighty soul.
THE END