Post Underworld and New York. I'm kinda just ignoring S6 with this one...
It set in a week or so after he had returned from the Underworld. After he, Emma, and the rest of the hero's had returned from New York. After he and his Swan had spent many many wonderful hours wrapped up in each other's arms and bodies, so happy to be safely reunited with one another. After the two of them had talked about everything that had happened between them. And after they forgave each other (and themselves) for the pain and the wrongdoings they had inflicted upon one another in the last several months.
That was when the grief set in.
Killian was first struck by it while he, Emma, Regina, and Henry had been standing in the Charmings loft (their usual family meeting place.) Henry had been arguing with his mothers about how David had promised that he would teach Henry to drive his truck. Both Emma and Regina were adamant that that wasn't going to happen, he was barely 13 for Christ's sake as Emma would say. Killian had been leaning against the counter behind Emma, watching the whole scene with utter amusement. That's when he had shifted his eyes and gave a smirk to, to— to no one, he realized suddenly. For the man that had always been at Reginas side (just as Killian was always at Emma's) was no longer there.
A pang of crushing sadness swept through Killian as he gazed at the empty space next to Regina where his friend should have been.
Robin.
Killian and Robin had become quite close in there past adventures. They had bonded almost instantly what with them being reformed scoundrels and both in love with the two most guarded, strong, and independent women in all the realms. The two men had shared many adventures and many a drink together during their time in Storybrooke. Killian had missed Robin when he had crossed the town line but in the end Robin had returned, just like Killian had known he would. (Robins love for Regina was much like Killians love for Emma. In the end the two just couldn't be separated.)(However Killian didn't exactly love the fact that Robin had brought Zelena back with him in his return. Bloody witch.)
However this was different. Robin wasn't returning. He couldn't. He wasn't in the Underworld. He wasn't in even in some sort of pleasent or painful afterlife. He was just gone.
Killian missed his friend terribly. Next to Emma, Robin really had been his best friend. Don't get him wrong, David was a wonderful friend as well, but the fact that David was his Swans father just made his and Killians relationship different, and still slightly strained at times. Even with Davids acceptance of him, Killian needed to watch what he said around the Prince, especially in regards to Emma. And although innuendos and sly remarks still rolled off the pirates tongue just as they always had, David would usually meet them with a glare where as Robin had always laughed and offered up a remark of his own.
Killian missed the mans calming and steady presence. Killian had always been the hot headed one. He had blown a fuse on more than one occasion (mostly caused by Emma in one way or another) and Robin had always been there to listen calmly, not judge, and offer any thoughts or advice he had on the matter. He had always helped Killian simply level out and clear his head before returning to his Swans side. Also, Robins strict moral code reminded Killian of Liam, which is something Killian had greatly missed these past 300 years or so. Killian had even used that code—as well as Robin himself— to help keep him on his path towards redemption. Emma was his North Star but every sailor still needed the help of other stars in the sky to stay on course.
Killian had also been very grateful to have someone who understood his relationship to Henry's as well. Not that Emma or David didn't understand, it's just having Robin understand was just, just different. It was different and meaningful to him to have someone in nearly the exact same position he was (hopeful, soon to be step fatherhood) who he could voice his dreams, hopes, desires, and concerns with. He had honestly been looking forward to the possibility of being a co-parent of sorts with the reformed thief. Emma and Regina would be the strict ones, while Killian and Robin would get to be the fun, cool, step dads who would teach Henry how to be a man. For a brief moment in time Killian had imagined the three of them (four if David wanted to join in on the fun) having what Henry referred to as a 'guys weekend' sailing on the Jolly Roger, sword fighting on its deck, as well as hunting and camping in the woods as Robin taught the boy how to best use a bow and Killian taught him how to use a sword. Then, wherever they were at land or sea, they would sit out under the stars and give Henry his first drink, laughing in unison when the lad would practically choke it down, or possibly spit it out entirely.
However those dreams (dreams Killian hadn't even realized he had until it was too late) like so many others, died with his friend.
After Regina and Henry had left, Emma had turned to Killian, exasperation clear on her face. She was about to make a sarcastic remark about how long the next 7 years of having a teenager were going to be, but then she saw the look of pain on Killians face.
"Hey, you ok?" She asked, pulling Killian from his thoughts of his friend.
"Fine love," he said and replaced the look on his face with a smile, but Emma noticed it didn't fully reach his eyes.
"You sure?" She asked, still worried.
Killian sauntered over time her, wrapping her in his arms and bent down to give her a sweet kiss. His smile was real when he pulled away. "Aye. I'm fine love, promise." He assured her, and that was that.
However it was the next day while he, Emma, and Henry were having a sail on the Jolly Roger, that Killian found one of Robins arrows below deck. The man must have left it there the last time he and Killian had met aboard for a drink. Killian sat down and held the arrow in his hand, turning it lightly, as he thought about his friend. He was letting himself wallow in the pain for a moment when Emma had found him.
"Hey, I was wondering where you'd gone. Henry was wondering if there was anything to eat." She said brightly "Hey what's that?" She asked noticing the arrow in Killians hands.
"Nothing love, just one of Robins arrows. Must of left it here last time he was aboard." Killian said nonchalantly, trying to mask his pain, but Emma knew better. Killian stood quickly and removed his Hook, retrieving the small key on the other side he went to his safe that held all his most precious possessions; Liams insignia, a drawing of Milah, Bae's cutlass, a golden coin from when he had first met Emma, and a small velvet box containing a ring he would one day give to her when she was ready. Killian quickly placed Robins arrow amongst these items and quickly shut and locked the safe tight again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Emma asked him softly. Killian felt his body go rigid for a moment before he sighed and turned to Emma. Her green eyes full of concern.
"Not particularly." Killian sighed as he drew his arm around Emma's waist and pulled her to his side, breathing her in as he briefly buried his head in her shoulder. He was feeling better already having her close and he let out another sigh as his own grief retreated. When he looked up again he was back to his normal self as he smiled at her "Now Swan, let's go find our boy something to eat." He said as he pulled her tightly to his side, ushering them out of the quarters and pressing a kiss to her temple.
However over the next few days Killian could feel the sadness creeping in more and more. He became more withdrawn and despondent as he continued to wallow in the loss of fist, real his best friend in 300 years.
It was a few days later that Killian was sitting on his and Emma's couch at home, nursing a glass of rum, the bottle resting on the table in front of him.
David had called him earlier whilst on patrol and asking for Killians assistance tracking... something. The prince hadn't been sure what he had seen at the edge of the forest but he had said it had been big. David was inclined to believe it was a bear, but knowing this town it was probably another bloody monster. Emma had been busy at the station so Killian had agreed to help the prince track down the supposed beast. They hadn't had much luck, but it appeared that David had been correct, or at least partially. Judging by the tracks the beast David had seen appeared to be a bear, however a bear of monstrous size. Another bloody monster Killian had groused, that's exactly what this damned town needed right now.
He and David had been on their way back to the road when they cut through the area that had once been the merry men's camp. Killian had immediately stilled at the sight. The merry men had gone back to Sherwood Forrest a little more than a week prior, taking everything with them and not leaving narely a trace that they had once been there. However Killian could still tell. He looked over to the log that he and Robin had once sat on whilst complaining about their women problems (neither of their lasses ever seemed to just slow down and bloody listen to them, especially when it involved throwing themselves head long into danger.) More upsetting than any of Killians memories of Robin was that the prince didn't seem fazed at all.
"Wasn't this the merry men's campsite?" He had asked almost confused, his hands on his hips as he surveyed the site before them.
"Aye." Was all Killian could manage.
"Well, I'll say one thing, they sure do clean up well after themselves." David said with a slight chuckle and shake of his head. "I was worried that they'd left all there tents and gear out in the woods, I really wasn't looking forward to having to haul it all out. Guess that's one thing off my to do list." He said cheerfully as he and Killian began walking towards town again.
"Aye, mate. That it is." Killian agreed tightly.
Now Killian was back home and stewing in his memories and loss. Of course this freshest wound only opened the door to other painful memories. Memories of Bae, of Milah, and of Liam. If Killian wasn't careful he knew he could literally drown in his misery. Luckily for him, the one thing that could save him from the depths of his own despair came home just then.
"Killian?" Emma called out as she removed her jacket and boots.
"Here, Love." Killian said, downing and then pouring himself another glass of rum from the bottle still sitting in front of him. Emma came over and plopped herself down on the couch. She looked at him with concern in her beautiful green eyes.
"Killian, I know something's wrong." She finally said, her eyes focused on him. Killian was about to try and deny this fact but before he could Emma continued. "Look you don't have to talk about it if you're not ready. I know how hard it's been, especially with everything else goin on. I just need to know if there anything else causing you to act like this—" she gestured to the already half gone bottle of rum in front of him "other than Robins death." She stated.
Killian looked up at her and saw the worry and uncertainty in her eyes. Emma continued "I know that we've been through a lot...you've been through a lot. I thought we got it all out and dealt with it after you got back, but if, if your having doubts about, about us—" Emma stuttered. Killian could hear the slight panic encroaching Emma's voice and he couldn't have her doubting them even for one second longer. So instead of letting her continue he hauled her body atop his and claimed her lips in a brutal, yet love filled kiss. Emma responded in kind pressing herself against him and moaning into his mouth as Killians hand tangled into her golden hair, securing her firmly to him.
When Killian finally pulled back he rested his forehead against hers and breathed her in. The stormy gray clouds that had surrounded him these past few days thinking of Robin immediately retreating as if the sun had just come out again and was shining blindingly.
"Swan look at me." Killian said keeping his hand anchored in Emma's hair, holding the back of her head so she would look at him. Only when Emma met his gaze did he continue. He needed her to understand and believe his words because they were the truth. "My rather unagreeable mood of late has nothing to do with you or us. I love you more than anything in all the realms and I am notwilling to let anything stand in the way of you, me, and our future together." He promised her his eyes serious but also filled with love.
"Good." She finally smiled at him and giving him another soft kiss before sliding off his lap and snuggling into his side on the couch. Killian wrapped his hooked arm around her waist, pulling her close and kissed the top of her head when she rested it against his chest.
"So this is just about Robin then." Emma said and he knew it was more of a statement than a question.
Killian nodded his chest tightening ever so slightly at the sound of his dear friends name. "Aye, love." He said "Him being gone is just...just harder than I thought it would be to get accustomed to." He admitted her. Emma grabbed his hand and held it tighty in hers as he spoke.
"Of course it is." She said softly, looking up into his face "He was important to you. He was important to all of us. It's bearly been two weeks since his passing. It's okay to still be in mourning. I know Regina is." She said to him softly.
"Thank you for understanding love." Killian said softly. It was all he could think to say.
"Of course I understand Killian. I miss him too, so does Henry." Emma said to him earnestly "Thats why I got you something." She said as she pulled something out from behind her back. Killian didn't know how it had gotten there or how she'd possibly hidden it from him other than by magic.
Emma smiled at him a little nervously as she handed him a thick green book with gold embossed letters on its cover.
"The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood" Killian read aloud. Emma just held his Hook and squeezed it reassuringly as if it were his hand.
"Robins story?" Killian asked his eyes going to Emma's.
"Yeah, well this worlds version of him anyway." Emma supplied "Much like your tale, I'm sure they got quite a bit wrong but I just thought..." Emma trailed off, still slightly nervous for Killians reaction. Killian opened the book and saw an engraving of a man opposite the title page who surprisingly looked much like the Robin Killian had known, despite the idiotic garb he was wearing instead of the leather jacket, hoody, and ripped faded jeans Killian had grown accustom to seeing the man wear.
Killian looked up at Emma in total awe, tears beginning to well in his eyes. She was sitting there next to him on the couch looking nervously at him, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. "Emma..." was all Killian could get out, his throat and chest tight again, but now it was due to the amazing gesture his Swan had given him.
Killian slowly but carefully put the book down to rest on the side table then leaned down to kiss his beautiful, caring, amazing princess tenderly. His eyes squeezed shut and a single tear escaped as he cupped Emma's warm cheek in his hand. "Thank you." He whispered tenderly as he set his forehead against hers after breaking the kiss.
"Of course," Emma said, softly rubbing the scar on his cheek and looking lovingly into his eyes. She squeezed his hand and got up from the couch. "I'm going to go shower, give you some time alone to read." She said with a soft smile. Any other time Killian would've greatly thrown whatever bloody book he was reading across the room and happily gone to shower with her, but not today. He knew that this was Emma giving him space to grieve and he was grateful for it. He needed to be alone with his thoughts and his new book for a while.
Emma turned to go but she stopped at the entryway, turning around and leaning against the molding, looking at him "Just do me one— no, two favors?" She asked him.
"Anything love. Just say it and it's yours." Killian said to her earnestly.
"Show Henry the book. He's trying to be strong for Regina and everyone else but I can tell he's hurting too, even if he refuses to talk to me about it." She said her lips pursed in annoyance of once again the realities of being a mother of a teenage boy hitting her. "I think he'd like it if you read with him a bit. I know he'll act like he doesn't, but I know he would."
"Of course love. I'd gladly share this with the lad. It could help bring us both some peace over Robins passing. I know spending time with Henry certainly helped soothe my soul when we lost Bae." Killian admitted remembering the nights he and Henry had spent under the stars as the pirate told Henry about his father and taught him to navigate using the heavens above.
"I know." Emma said, a new softness entering her eyes, as she looked at him lovingly.
"What was your second request Swan?" Killian asked.
"Just...please don't shut me out." She said closing her eyes and then opening them again to look at him "I know everyone grieves differently and I'll give you your space, but at the same time, I need you—" Emma stuttered her own throat getting tight and tears forming at the edges of her beautiful green eyes. Killian quickly got up and wrapped his arms tightly around the woman he loved more than life itself.
"Never." He promised her looking deep into her eyes and stroking her cheek tenderly with his good hand "I'll never leave you. In any way." Then he leaned forward and kissed her deeply, pouring the depth of all his love and feelings for her in that moment into the kiss.
"I love you." Emma said after they finally separated.
"And I you." Killian promised.
Emma finally untangled herself from her pirates embrace, giving him one last small smile and his hand a squeeze before making her way up the straits and to their bedroom. Killians watched her go, eyes following her as she went not moving until he heard the bedroom door close with a soft click.
He sighed then and made his way back to the couch, sitting down and picking up the book. He turned to the first page and began to read.
In merry England in times of old, when good king Henry the Second ruled the land, there lived within the green glades of Sherwood Forrest, near Nottingham Town, a famous outlaw whose name was Robin Hood...
———————
Over the next several weeks Killian continued to read The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood that Emma had given him. Some of the stories were vaguely familiar, Robin having told him the real tales himself. Others were brand new and utter nonsense. Stories that Killian knew were total fabrications in their entirety, making him wonder just where this Howard Pyle fellow had gotten the ideas for such absurdity. Either way, right or wrong, Killian found himself greatly enjoying the tales. Laughing at the funny parts and laughing harder at imagining his friends reaction to the absurd ones. To Killian's utter joy, Henry did in fact agree to having the pirate read allowed a bit of the book to him, and the two of them had great fun commenting on everything the author got wrong as well as what they thought Robin really would have responded in such scenarios.
As the weeks went by Killian slowly began to heal. The pain of hearing Robins name lessening with every turn of the page as good memories overtook the bad. He would always miss his friend, and he would always have a hole in his heart where Robin would be but unlike all of Killians other losses, he wasn't allowing himself to wallow and fall back into the darkness, and that, was due entirely to Emma and the gift she gave him. For the first time in possibly all his life Killian was processing his feelings of loss in a normal, healthy way and he new that he would be a better man for it.
When he finally finished the book a few weeks later (he hadn't been able to handle reading more than a few short tales at a time at first) Killian gently settled the book in a place of honor on his bookshelf. He then got into bed and wrapped his arms around his Swan, smiling down lovingly at her.
"Thank you." He said as placed a kiss to her temple.
"Your welcome." She said with a smile.