Howdy-ho readers! Tonight I'm here with another Hitman fanfiction, this time it'c a crossover between it and Invader Zim! :o This one's suggested by my boyfriend's friend's brother, Ewan, who's also a hitman fan with his brother and he has always loved Zim and got the idea when he was playing one of the more recent Hitman games when he saw there was a achievement called "A Room With A Moose," which sounds like a Zim reference. so he suggested a crozzover and pretty much gave me free rein to write wahtever, but he specificed a few characters he wanted incorporated and specifically wanted something for a particular level in the game Contracts, called Meat King's Party. He sent me a video walkthrough of the level so I could get an idea of what to write and HOLY SMOKES THIS GAME IS MORE DISTURBING THAN I THOUGHT. But here you are Ewan I hope you like it! :D Sorry it took so long it turned out to be a very long one-shot. Also Ewan is an English scholar so he's been helping me with my writing! Turns out you're supposed to capitalize thje first letter of the first word in a sentence?! OMG WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME THAT?! :o But I'm trying to get into the habit of doing it noe! So everybody please thank him it was so sweet of him to tell me! :D
Oh and P.S. this story also contains some spoilers for Life is Strange whoops!
Agent Zim: Meat King's Last Desserts
Agent 47 unboxed a TV dinner and carefully set it inside his microwave, setting the timer for 15 miniutes. Once that was done, he walked over to the canary cage on the other side of the filthy, decrepit, garbage-piled room. This man was loaded in more ways than one but he lived in an abandoned building full of disease and parasites. Has he even ever had a tetanus shot?! well i guess he's got "Perfect genes" so he doesn't need one. But still yuck it's disgusting!
Anyway he walked over to the canary cage and opened it. There was a puppy inside perched neatly on the bar. It flapped it's front legs in greeting.
"Dinnatime," 47 said as he filld the puppie's seed cup. After he had to put his last canary down, 47 was very sad and lonely without a pet. So he decided to get another bird, but was worried the same thing would happen again if he got one. So he got a puppy instead, since they were easier to train to keep quiet in dangerous situations and easier to train to act like a bird than an adult dog. They were also hardier, unless your name was Lenny Small. 47 had had a lot of luck training the puppy so far, he had managed to get him to balance on the cage bar on his hind legs like a bird would and was slowly transitioning his food from kibble to birdseed. He had also trained the puppy to perch on his shoulder, which was a big hit with the ladies in the nearby park. 47 figured he should enjoy being able to carry his puppy on his shoulder now, before he grew into a full-size 80 lb dog. Housebreaking was easy, too, since he didn't have to train the puppy to go elsewhere to do his business, he just went right there like any other bird would.
The only area where 47 was having any kind of difficulty in training was communication. Much to his disappointment, the puppy was still only making barks and whines and other dog-specific noises, not chirping, and definitely not mimicking. he had tried playing bird songs and encouraging the puppy as best he could, but it seemed that part of him would forever remain canine. This saddened 47, as it meant he had to give up his dream of actually having a talking dog.
the microwave beeped and 47 was about to get his dinner when his laptop beeped too! He rushed over to take a look. it was an email from Diana.
Good evening, 47. Diana here from Agency. We have a new job for you that just came in. Apparently the daughter of a district attorney in Arcadia Bay, Oregon has goen missing. The girl, Rachel Amber, was suspected of being kidnapped and possibly eaten by an obese Scottish meat tycoon in your home country of Romania, his name is Campbell "Soupy" Sturrock. Sturrock's a crafty bastard though and got himself an even craftier lawyer. who got him off Scott-free, pardon the pun. Our client is pissed off about this and requests another trial... trial by contract killer, that is. You need to find the girl, whatever remains of her, and either rescue her or colect evidence of her murder and/or devouring. Oh, and you need to kill Sturrock and his lawyer, Andre Cuscus, part-time pasta tycoon, as well. Did you think we would be giving you a mission that didn't involve bloodshed? *gigglesnort*
Oh, and P.S.: Sturrock also goes by the initials "F.B." in some of his business dealings, so in case you see that anywhere, it likely refers to him.
Good luck, 47. You're going to need it.
"Darn it, Diana," 47 said, slamming his fist into the keyboard and when that didn't break it he threw the computer off the table, "don't you know it's rude to contatc people when their in the middle of dinna?"
he returned to his "kitchen"; the TV dinner was burned. He sighed, and was about to toss the tray in the garbage, when the puppy whined at him from across the room, flapping his forelegs eagerly.
"no," said 47, "it's meatloaf and broccoli and mashed potatoes with onion,it's not good for you."
the puppy continued to flap and whine, insisting on having the scraps. 47 sighed, but figured he shouldn't be surprised, his new pet was still a baby after all and it would take some time before all hte dog behaviors had been worked out. "Alright," he said, and walked up to the cage and opened it to the puppy's excited tail wagging and jowl licking. He dumped the tray into the seed cup and patted the puppy's head as he tucked in. After that, he went to go pack.
"No please Squire, I'm not the Meat King!" criede the butcher flailing around like a suffocating fish in 47's grip.
"Oh, shut up and eat meat hook already," he said and lodged the houk in the man's eyeball to quiet him down. On;ly it went through his skull and out his nostril. The man started screaming now in fear, so 47 punched him a few times phew he was quiet now.
Time to put on the disguise. The seasoned killer stripped the man naked and put on his clothes. He shivered in disgust in them. "Still warm," he hissed, goosebumps forming over his body, he picked at the new boxers uncomfortably but he would just have to deal with it for now.
He exited the beef shack truck and closed it, then made his way over to the entrance of the Meak Ting's... "Fffffetish Party." 47 gagged a little at the banner. Wh-what kinds of horrible things would he witness in here?!
He walked up to a guard in a jester mask which was making others laugh, but 47 never laughed. "ENUS PRECHEDURA. EN COOFA CIN CARNE." the man demanded, which roughly translated to, "Hold still, boi. I'm going to feel your flesh."
"NO PLEASE I'M A VIRGIN" 47 cried out but the guard went and poked and prodded at every part of him regardless, even the private ones. When he poked his weener it moved to the side with a "frop" sound. This disturbed the guard but it wasn't illegal I guess... "WANTIFU, WANTIFU. U CARA."
"Thank you," 47 said and walked into the bulding feeling violated. He started sobbing, but after a moment he straightened his shoulders and took a deep breath, regaining his composure. He was now ready to continue with his mission.
he went inside, there were people making out inside animal carcasses like somethin' outta a Star Wars porn or something. 47 gagged as he watched them. As he crept past them, he heard all sorts of horrible, horrible things. (you might want to skip the next few lines if you have a weak stomach, I wanted to try my hand at horror again):
"ugh babe why does your tongue taste like stomach acid?!" asked one woman
"That ain't my tongue hon!" said her beau. She looked down... and pulled a length of pig intestine from her maw.
(okay, it's over now, you are safe.
47 ducked behind a corner and projectile vomited from what he had just witnessed. this place was horrible. Why was he an assassin in the first place.
Suddenly he heard something... screaming from upstairs! it sounded like someone in danger! "Ah, who gives a shit," he said, then realized it might've been the girl. "Ah, hell," he said, and grudgingly trudged up the stairs.
He went up and heard the screaming coming from the left. After going through a few doors he came to the source of the screaming, in a room with a massive meat grinder. But there was someone on the other side of the toom...
47 crouched behind the meatloaf to listen in to get an idea of how to proceed. There was muffled screaming and the person in the room was talking.
"HAH HAH HAH," he laughed, "OIM GONNA TEACH YOUH A LESSON, LADDIE, IN TRESPASSIN'. YOUH KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... IT IS A VIOLATION TO TRESPASS..." the beefy, naked, stained, under-wear clad man dropped his underwear and pointed his rock-hard hooie at the hooked carcass! "... SO TRESPASSERS SHALL BE VIOLATED!"
But before he could finish his sentance 47 came up behind him and STRANGLED him with his trusty fiber wire! Or as 47 says, "fiba wiya." "You alright in theya?" asked 47 to the carcass. For all he knew there was no one inside and it was just the carcass screaming which was partially why he strangled the man because he didn't want to see him make love to a carcass.
The screaming stopped, but only long enough for the entrapped soul to cry out: "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
47 grabbed the edges of the massive autopsy wound on the pig and ripped it open 'cause he's buff. Out of the corpse came falling a tiny green boy. Oh great this was even worse.
"IT BURNS!" he screamed, then continued to screech as he rolled along the floor, his skin smoking and giving off an acidic aroma.
47 jumped back, he wasn't expecting this! "Why is there a green smoking boy here?" he asked.
"I don't know," said Diana like he was crazy, why would she know?
the grene boy calmed down and stood but he was still brething heavilhy from pain. "I AM NOT A BOY," he snapped.
"you don't look like a girl," said 47. "In fact, you don't even look human."
"HEH?!" the boy asked, scared! he smacked at his eyeballs for a few moments, realizing something was missing. "NO!" he cried, and dove back into the pig, but his flesh soon began sizzling again."
"Hey, stop that!" 47 said, grabbing him by his spindly ankles that creaked and snapped under the pressure and wrenched him out of the pig. "You're only gonna hurt yourself again."
"MY CONTATCS," the boy argued. "AND MY WIG..." "THEYR'E GONE... INSIDE THAT DISGUSTING COLD, DEAD BAG OF PIG MEAT!"
"Contacts? Wig?" 47 then snapped his grip shut on the boy's neck and brought him up to eye level. "What's going on, who and what are you, tell me know, give me a good reason not to kill you."
"UH... OH... FINE," the boy surrendered. "I AM ZIM, GREATEST SOLDIER OF THE IRKEN RACE. I WAS SENT TO EARTH TO CONQUER IT FOR MY TALLEST AND ADD IT TO THEIR PERSONAL COLLECTION, THEY HAVE A LOT OF PLANETS YOU KNOW, THEY'RE QUITE PROLIFIC. SO THERE."
"Hmm." 47 thought about this. If this little alien was telling the truth, that meant his livelihood was at stake. If Planet Earth was concord then that would mean there would be no more people and no more people meant no more contracts. That wouldn't be good for his checking acount.
"You still haven't given me a reason not to kill you," 47 huffed. "In fact what you've said is only making me want to kill you more."
"NO DON'T PLEASE!" Zim cried flailing! "YOU NEED ME, I KNOW WHERE THE GIRL IS!"
"The girl?" 47 asked, shaking Zim a little just to make him scared he liked it when he was scared. Made him feel powerful. "How do you know about the gril?"
"WHY DO YOU THINK IAN OVER THERE WAS TORTORING ME?" asked Zim. "I FOUND HER BODY. SHE'S DEAD, 47. BUT I CAN TAKE YOU TO HER."
"Oh, no..." 47 said. The girl was dead? That meant he wasn't getting that $50,000 bonus. "Alright. Take me to her."
He dropped Zim who fell to the floor with a squeak. The little alien hopped up and started to run into the other room, but before he could lead 47 to the corpse girl 47 asked "Hey, one more thing. Why was your flesh smoking? That some sort of alein thing?"
"MY SPECIES IS DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO MEAT," Zim explained. "IT BREAKS DOWN OUT FLESH AND KNITS INTO OUR SKIN IT'S HIGHLY PAINFUL."
"Oh."
"YES. ONE TIME i SAT IN A BATHRUB THAT WAS FILLED WITH GROUND BEEF AND MY SPHINCTER HAS NEVER RECOVERED ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?"
"No."
"HMPH, WELL... I THOUGHT IT WAS."
after that insight into Zim's life 74 followed him through multiple rooms until they entered one that was all dark, there were candles lit everywhere like sometone was trying to set the mood for whoopie, but that couldn't have been true could it?! I mean there were all these dead animals and blood smears everywhere this was hardly the place for whoopie... "Through here" said Zim and he pushed open a nearby set of double doors with a flourish.
(gruff western accent) 47 was a seasoned criminal, and so the scene before him didn't faze him as much as it would have someone else. Such as an ice cream man. You know, someone who wouldn't be used to the sight of a young woman strung up 'n gutted like a cow, or a very large fish. She was all wrapped up in saran wrap for freshness, but the place was already startin' to smell off. Zim gagged and threw up in the doorway, it was too much for his sensitive alien nose. But 47, with his psyche of steel, sauntered right on up to that there poor girl's corpse. (/gruff western accent)
"She's dead," 47 confirmed as he pressed his fingers against ther neck, checking for a pulse that was long gone.
"Rachel?!" cried a voice from the shadows. Zim and 47 turned to see a middle-aged man emerging from beside the wall, a horrified look on his lined face. He was wearing a business suit and fancy shoes but he still fell to his fancily-swathed knees in the goopy blood on the floor out of anguish effectively ruining his clothes.
"That's our client, 47," said Diana. "What's he doing there?"
"Rachel why?!" Jameds Amber wailed on the floor, "I loved her... how can she be dead?!"
"Who are you?" asked 47
"James" Amber pulled his face off to reveal it was only a mask and he was a teenage blue-haired girl. "My name is Chloe Price, Rachel was my girlfriend," I stole her dads clothes and came to investigate this place myself when Sturrock was accused of her disappearance.
"But now she's dead..." Chloe said and collapsed on the filthy floor crying. "What kind of world does this... who does this?!"
Message to Bears started playing as 47 and Zim solemnly watched the poor girl sob on the floor. Zim felt a tear prickle at his own eye and he wiped it away before his tall friend could see it and make him suffer. 47 wished he could simply wait for CHloe to finish. He felt nothing for othahs. Not even his late brothahs. But truth be told he was slightly disturbed by this whole thing. If for one reason.
Suddenly his cell phone started ringing and he excused himself to take the call. Zim watched him as he walked over to the doors. "Hi, sweetheart. Daddy's working right now."
"Oh sorry Dad," said VIctoriea on the other end back at home, she had just finished her homework and wanted to call her father.
"That's okay pumpkin, you didn't know, how has your day been so far?"
"It was great! I got an A on my math test! But the whole school is scared ever since that Amber girl went mising," said Victoria.
"Yeah... I can imagine," 47 said, turning ot look at the creepy corpse in the misdle of the room, and the other girl still a wreck underneath it.
47 had taken on the role of father pretty easily. He had to after all he was half to blame for her conception. It all started when his rabbit died. Diana had gotten pregnant when she kissed 47 to revive him that one time, her mother had always warned her kissing could get you pregnant and she knew she was taking a big risk but she had to save 47! She found out she was pregnant and told 47 and he was like that kid can't be mine! But Diana said "It has to be 47, you're the only man I've kissed in the last several months this job doesn't exactly allow me much of a social life!" 47 had a minor breakdown wondering how he was going to raise a child considering the darkness of his profession. So he spoke to his good friend and mentor Padre Vittorio, the most beloved priest in Sicily, about it he said "Padre I accidentally got my handler pregnant, I don't know if I can be a good father I mean I have nothing to go off of. My own fathers were all terrorists and one was a drug lord one was a gang leader and the last was a mad scientist, what if I turn out to be like them too?" and Padre Vittorio said "Don't worry my son. You will make a great father. It will be scary and you may not always know what to do but you are a kind soul and I know you will try your best and I will always be here to guide you. Have faith my son." 7 decided he was going to go for it. He and Diana got married in accordance with his religion so they wouldn't have a child out of wedlock. Padre Vittorio wedded them and they had a big party in the garden out back wher 47 used to work they had music and food and cake and 47 and Diana got to cut up the dance floor wow look at them go! 47 was a dutiful and supportive father-to-be throughout the pregnancy he was always attentive to Diana's needs except when he was away on a contract of course. He always got her whateber food she was craving he had a crazy story about the time he had to steal from a neighbors cabbage patch but that's a story for another time. 7 months later Diana successfully gave birth to their daughter, 47 was very unsure at first as was Diana she thought how is something with a head the size of a grapefruit going to come out of me?! But she pulled through it obviously and 47 got to watch the hole thing and was disturbed beyond belief by what he witnessed, and this is a guy who kills people for a living. they named their daughter after Padre Vittorio as thanks for all his support and kind words. with Diana's and Padre Vittorio's encouragement 47 had let his fear go and he and Diana became loving and supportive parents to Victoria. Victoria loved her parents very much and wanted to be like them someday but they discouraged it.
"I'm scared Daddy" Victoria admitted "What if they come for me next?"
"I won't let that happen sweetheart," 47 assured her. "I'll always keep you safe. No one will evah hurt you, and if they even think of it, they'll have a 9mm bullet through 'em and my fiba wia around their necks before they can complete the thought." The old shoot and strangle... always effective.
"I love you Dad," said Victoria.
"I love you too, Victoria. I'll see you soon." said 47 and he hung up.
When he walked back over to Zim Zim said, "WAS THAT YOUR OFFSPRING?"
"Yeah," 47 said. "My daughtah."
"DOES SHE LOOK LIKE YOU?" asked Zim, envisioning 47 as a little girl in a dress with pigtails and holding a bigass lollipop.
"No," 47 said, immediately knowing what Zim was envisioning. "She takes aftah her mothah."
"OH." Said Zim. "ALL OF MY SPECIES PRETTY MUCH LOOK THE SAME THOUGH SO I THOUGHT IT WAS THE SAME FOR HUMANS, I'M SORRY."
"... it's fine," 47 said, surprised to actually hear an apology come out of the egotistic extraterrestrial. "... you have your own kids?"
"THREE DAUGHTERS, MYSELF," Zim answered. "IS YOURS YOUR ONLY CHILD?"
"For now. We have anothah one on the way," 47 said. Diana was pregnant again after they weren't careful and she kissed him goodbye one morning.
"CONGRATULATIONS."
"Thank you."
They heard sniffling, and saw Chloe had calmed down for the most part. She was honestly never going to stop crying for the rest of her life sadly. But this was good enough. "Can you get outta here on your own?" asked 47
"... yeah... I think so," Chloe moaned. she pushed herself up to sit. "What am I going to do..."
"GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN!" Zim screeched. "IF YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE AND SAVE YOURSELF YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S DEATH WILL HAVE BEEN IN VAIN! SHE WANTED YOU TO SURVIVE AND GET OUT OF HERE SHE LOVED YOU ARE YOU GOING TO DENY HER THAT?!"
"Ohhh..." Chloe began cryign again. "Rachellllll!"
47 sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'll take care of this," he said, there was no hope for Chloe she was too far gone. She couldn't live or function without Rachel so 47 strangled her so they would be together forever.
"JEEZ MAN THAT WAS KIND OF HARSH," said Zim surprised.
"We had no tohah choice," he said, taking one last look at the two corpses before taking just a bite-sized morsel off Rachel for proof of her murder. "Let's go. We need to eliminate the lawyah and the Meath King before we leave. Any suggestions for who we hit first?"
"I VOTE WE DO THE FAT MAN," Zim said.
"Okay we can do that."
47 and Zim made their way to the staircase to reach the Meat King, but stopped when they saw a guard stationed at the top to frisk them with his very big calloused and meaty hands.
"We can't go up like this, he'll know somethin's wrong," said 47.
"IT WILL BE FINE!" said Zim. "I'LL JUST HIDE IN YOUR PANTS!"
"I think that'll only make him more suspicious," 47 said, knowing that if this guy saw an odd bulge in his pants, he'd probably crush it in his beefy hands just for the fun of it
"WELL FINE THEN WHAT SHOULD WE DO INSTEAD?" asked Zim irritated.
"Hmm..." said 47 as he watched a butcher walk away from the scene with an empty butter-smeared plate "They'll think you're suspicious if you go in the kitchen. Hop in my pants."
"FINALLY!" Zim cheered and squirreled himself away in there before another "frop" came from 47s drawers and the alien let out a shriek of terror.
47 followed the butcher to the disgusting kitchen, one of the other butchers was even chopping up a person in here. "So the rumors about Sturock eating people are correct..." he whispered.
"Hey you! Take this meal to Sturrock!" demaneded the butchey they'd followed earlier. The butcher gestured to a plate with a whole roasted chicken on it.
"HEY," Zim said, poking 47's doodle to get his attention, "I HAVE AN IDEA. PUT ME INSIDE THE CHICKEN. YOU CAN SNEAK ME UPSTAIRS."
47 whispered to his crotch, "But you said your species is allergic to meat - does that not include poultry?"
"NO," Zim said he bounced up and down in 47s pants as he spoke, "WE'RE FINE WITH POULTRY. I'M AROUND EXPLODING TURKEYS ALL THE TIME, IT'S NEVER BOTHERED ME. TRUST ME I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE."
"Good," he said and looked back up at the butcher, both butchers were visibly disgusted and horrified that this guy was talking to his own weaner that was apparently able to talk back. "Where would he like it served."
"PSYCHOTIC ENGLISH!" the butcher shouted. "Upstairs, in room! Go! Get ourt of here with your talking disgusting swollen undulating pulă!"
"Thank you" said 47 and he took the chicken plate and turned around. "Okay, get in."
Zim scurried out of 47's pants and into the chicken with various grunts of exertion, 47 grunted as well and doubled over the chicken to add to the scene to truly make things scarring for the butchers. Once it was done he held up the plate high and turned so they could see the bulge in his pants had mysteriously vanished. They were both mortified and close to snapping mentally and 47 walked out of the kitchen like nothing ever happened.
"YOU THINK WE GOT 'EM?" asked Zim.
"Yep," said 47 smirking slightly at the thought of what those two saw and what they must be thinking.
"That was disgusting I can't believe you did that 47, I am appalled." said Diana.
"You're just jealous of the chicken," said 47 and Diana sighed in irritation but under that he could hear a muffled "N-NO I'M NOT!" come from the direction of the bird...
47 brought the Zim chicken up the stairs and to the guard. "ENUS PRECHEDURA. EN COOFA CIN CARNE," he said, and he sounded exactly like the guard from earlier...
"Just do it already and get it over with," 47 said and the guard comlpied. Once he was done being groped again they went into the next room and saw HIM, THE FATTEST MAN EITHER ONE OF THEM HAD SEEN IN THEIR LIVES.
"HOLY FUN-DIP?!" Zim screamed from within the confines of the chicken.
"Something wrong, Zim?" asked 47.
"TH-THIS GUY'S LARGER THAN THE ONE I BURST OUT OF ON FOODCOURTIA," Zim said his voice shaking. "I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN MANAGE IT."
"You can do it. I beleive in you." 47 said and Zim felt a warmth grow in his chest, and he nodded with confidence.
They walked in there were numerous sluts all piled up around the bag of meat and water and waste that had yet to be birthed that was Sturrock. One of them said to 47 "Hey there big boy. You wanna have a good time?"
"Leave this place, sexually promiscuous woman!" bellowed 47 to the pleather-encased whore.
They all left pouting because at least if they had sex with 47 they wouldn't be crushed also 47 was probably better at finding his wonkadonk than Sturrock was. That guy probably hadn't seen his willy in two years.
"C'MON, LET'S HAVE THAT BIRRD!" growled Surrock when he saw 47 standing there like a newly-hired zookeeper sent to feed the lions.
He cautiously stepped up to the immense man who seemed more garbage disposal than man. There were various bones littered across his bed... some of them animal... some of them human. Zim even recognized the skull of the infamous Demongo der Soulstealer among the remains and shudered, causing the whole chicken to shake.
"OH, LITTLE CHICKEN, 'TIS ALRIGHT. COME 'ERE. I'LL EMBRACE YE WITH ME MOUTH," Sturrock encouraged.
47 glanced down at the shaking chicken. Suddenly he was having second thoughts, which was rare for him. Would Zim survive being eaten by Sturrock? So many others hadn't... Demongo... Rachel... Chloe...
"JUST GIVE ME THAT FEED. NHAO," Sturrock demanded, rapidly getting impatient.
47 swallowed, and sighed. "Hree you go, sir," he said, handing the plate ovah.
Stuurock wiggled his fingers and smacked his lips together as if he'd just returned from the jungle and hadn't eaten for a week. It was disgusting. "OH, WHAT A LOVELY, LOVELY BIRRD..." he said, and 47 had horrible visions of Sturrock finding out he owned a canary (er well his last canary anyway) and eating his bird. He chocked back sobs.
Sturrock dove into that bird like nobody's business. He ripped the flesh off the bone thankfully it was already fall off the bone. But the way he was tearing into it... there was no way Zim could've survived. 47 watched in horror as Sturrock finished the chicken then pelted its bones and the plate back at him. "ANOTHAR!"
"... no," 47 said, his expression curling up into one of agony.
"WHAT?!"
"I WON'T GET YOU ANOTHAH CHICKEN TO EAT!" 47 snapped, throwing the plate right back at Suttock. "YOU ATE MY ONLY FRIEND, NOW YOU'RE GOING TO-"
suddenly Zim burst forth from the greasy depths of Sturrock's gut, tearing through multiple layers of fat and adipose and a few organs here and there but mostly fat and finally the dermis and epidermis. He was covered in stomach acids and blood and screamed like a newborn freshly erupted from his mother's wobm. "AAAAAHHHHH!" he screeched like Tarpzan.
"ZXim!" 47 creid as he caught the alien as he fell. "You survived!"
"TOLD YOU I WOULD!" Zim said proudly. The two looked back at the now-corpse of Sturrock, he was dead and had a massive hole in his belly. He was definitely dead. An alarm began to sound. "WHOOPS. WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE."
"Yeah," 47 said, allowing Zim to climb onto his back, "let's get outta here. Next up is Puscus."
They ran out of the room just as the guards came in and screamed at the sight of their boss. 47 tapped his earpiece and siad "Diana, we just eliminated Sturrock. Any idea where Puscis is?"
A different voice came over his earpiece. "47, this is Clera speaking. Diana's not here right now... but I see Puscus just entered the male bathrooms with his guard, perhaps they're going in for a wild time together. If you hurry you might still be able to catch the show."
"That's disgusting-" 47 began, then said, "wait a minute, where'd Diana go? She never leaves her post when she's guiding me through a mission."
"Oh..." Clera went quiet for a moment. "I just... sent her out to the garden for a little... dirt nap... poor thing's been so tired lately..."
"Yeah, that's because of the pregnancy," 47 informed.
"She was pregnant?!" Clera said startled.
"Yeah, she's only two months along she's not showing yet"
Suddenly the line went dead and 47 figured it was because Clera was so happy for them she was going straight into town to get supplies for a baby shower. "What a nice lady," he said, then said to Zim, "Puscus is getting ready to take a shit. We'll get him with his pants down."
"THAT WAS TERRIBLE."
"Sorry."
They went over to the bathroom Zim snapped the neck of the guard waiting outside. Well actually it was the ovewrwhelming stench of waste that killed the guard ZIm just clasped his hands around his neck at the right moment. He was very proud and bragged to 47, who knew the alien's teeny tiny hands couldn't have strangled him, but that was okay, ZIm was his friend he had to be supportive so he was! So they went inside the bathroom and up to the stall Pusucs was inside on the minimap, he was standing in front of the toilet with a cocky look on his face.
"Yeah, you like this, don't you, you dirty little whore?" he asked, then unzipped his trousers.
They kicked the door down and it hit into Puscus and badly damaged his back but 47 threw the door out of the way so they could see the lawyer himself!
"Hey, what's the big idea here?!" asked the toilet, angrily. "I am very hungry!"
"PUSCUS!" Zim declared. "WE HAVE COME TO KILL YOU!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha..." Puscus laughed. "... about time. I'm guessing you already took out my partner?"
"Partnah?" 47 asked. "I thought he was just your client."
"Only to the public," Puscus explained, a devious smile on his face, and his wiener was still sticking out but Zim and 47 purposefully kept their gaze locked on Puscus' face. "Internally, we were business partners."
"BUSINESS PARTNERS FOR WHAT?" asked Zim.
"Ah, yes, finally you ask. Well, you know that FB was the "Meat King," and I'm Andre "Cuscus," owner of the Andre Cuscus Corporation, correct?" When both men nodded, Puscus continued. "Well, when we met at a dinner party - what else? - one day, we found we both have a taste for human flesh, but had no efficient means of getting it. At least, none without ruining our reputations. FB was only able to eat confined in these walls, and I had to rent motel rooms to get my fix. So we decided... why don't we pool our resources? And so we formed a small company together, utilizing both our areas of expertise - meat and pasta - to form Hamburger Helper, a salty, highly-addictive product laced with mind control drugs to draw the gullible masses to our doorstep... right into the meatloaf."
"YOU... MONSTER!" Zim shouted in disgust. 47 was too ill to say anything. "THOSE PEOPLE HAD FAMILIES! PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT THEM!"
"Yes, I'm sure they did," Cuscus said, laughing a little. "I'm sure Ms. Amber had plenty of people who admired her... but maybe she should have thought about that before eating twenty boxes of our product in one night."
"IT WASN'T HER FAULT! YOU DRUGGED HER!"
"True. But what does any of this matter anymore, anyway? She's dead, and once I press this panic button on my keychain, you will be, too."
Before he could do so 47 grabbed him and headbutted him in the face, breaking Cuscus' nose in several places. He screamed, blood spurting out of his nostrils in scarlet fountains, as the toilet panicked and cried out, "Help! Help!" To keep it quiet and put Cuscus down once and for all, 47 spun the degenerate around and rammed him headfirst into the bowl, effectively drowning him and stifling the toilet's cries. The water slowly turned red as 47 straightened and turned to Zim, and they smiled at each other and shook each other's hands.
"Thanks for everything, Zim. You really saved my bacon," said 47.
I HATE BACON
"And to show my appreciation, I'd like to treat ya to somethin' real special once we get outta here," he finished with a smile.
"Mission accomplished, Diana," 47 said, tapping his earpiece, but there was no reply. "Diana? You there? Yoohoo, Diana..."
"You drown Hamburger Helper founder in toilet, and use alien to gut his partner?" Lei Ling asked from beside 47, offering him a puff on her cigarette. "And no one found you?"
"No," 47 said, half answering and half denying the cigarette. His buff chest was bare under the thin flat sheet, but he kept it just high enough to cover his niples for modesty. "We got in and out without a witness. That's why the call me the "Silent Assassin.""
"I thought that what they called high blood pressure."
"No, that's the "silent killer.""
"Oh, very neat."
They lay there in silence for a few moments, until 47 asked, "Hey, remember when we first met at Lee Hong's restaurant, and you said you found the code to his safe in his trousers? How'd ya gain access to them in the first place?"
Lei looked at him and raised one eyebrow, like "Seriously?"
A sharp knock on the door caught both their attention. "OKAY, YOUR TIME'S UP, IT'S MY TURN NOW!"
THE END