Teddy paced around Allison's nursery, rocking her daughter in time with her deep, shuddering breaths. She had put Leo down with a kiss on the forehead for him and a "love you, Weddy" for her, and most importantly without losing her brave face. But Allison was too small to form memories, let alone stir from her deep sleep and notice that her mother's heart was slowly breaking. A CD player that Teddy was pretty sure Owen had used in Iraq was set up in the corner, playing Disney lullabies—the only music Allison could ever fall asleep to. And it was this song in particular that had set Teddy off.
When somebody loved me,
everything was beautiful,
every hour spent together
lives within my heart.
The piano was soft enough for Allison to sleep undisturbed, but just loud enough to cover the crying and Teddy's move to the rocking chair.
And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
and when she was happy, so was I,
when she loved me.
For the first time, Teddy let her thoughts drift from her own guilt to Owen—not how he was feeling, because she knew how he suffered like she knew her own pain. No, she thought of something less painful. How he slept with one arm thrown back over his head, no longer drawn into himself even in sleep like he had been at the height of his PTSD. How he kissed the kids goodnight. How he got up in the middle of the night every once in a while to sit next to Allison's crib. How, even though they started the night facing different directions, they never failed to wake up intertwined when their alarms went off in the morning.
Through the summer and the fall
we had each other, that was all
just she and I together
like it was meant to be
Would his arm be so casual now? Would he come home to kiss the kids and leave again?
"It wasn't supposed to end up like this," Teddy whispered to Allison, allowing her thoughts to wonder one last time to wherever Owen might be.
At his mother's house, in a bed that he had long since outgrown, Owen turned for the third time that night to the pillow next to him. The pillow that, had things been normal, would have had an occupant, head propped up on her elbow, too tired to carry on a conversation after the crazy day they'd had but trying to listen to him all the same.
"So we're just not getting ANY sleep tonight?" Owen said to no one in particular.
He scrolled mindlessly through his phone for a few moments before it came to him.
Allison's lullaby playlist.
More often than not, they helped him sleep better than they helped her. He had long ago lost count of the number of times Teddy had come in to find him slumped over in the rocking chair, Allison happily cooing in her crib.
"Worth a try, right?" he whispered to the empty pillow where Teddy wasn't. He imagined her shrugging and telling him to give it a shot.
The first song was as effective as a power drill, but the second made his eyelids slightly heavier halfway through, when he finally let his mind wander as he caught himself reaching to the other side of the bed like he expected to find someone there. It was her green eyes that he thought of to center himself as his breathing grew shallower and faster.
So the years went by
I stayed the same
but she began to drift away
I was left alone
still I waited for the day
when she'd say, "I will always love you"
Lonely and forgotten
never thought she'd look my way
and she smiled at me and held me
just like she used to do
like she loved me
when she loved me.
"Come back to me," he whispered, and sleep overtook him at last.