A/N- I feel like almost all of my one-shots come about because I listened to a song. This one is inspired by Dodie- She. I thought it would be cool to write how Kara comes to realize that she has feelings for Lena through the eyes of her journal. I have never written anything like this, but it was fun. Let me know what you think.

Thursday

Today was longggg, Supergirl and Dreamer were needed A LOT and so were Kara and Nia at CatCo. So, we had to juggle that all day. Now that it is over, I feel really satisfied with the way we handled it. I'm also happy with the way my article came out. I am really tired, though. The only thing keeping me awake right now is my excitement.

I get to see Lena tomorrow! I know it has only been three days but it feels too long. I miss her! She finally agreed to let me fly us somewhere. I think she's nervous but so am I, although I think it may be for different reasons. She's still getting used to the idea of me being Supergirl and I think she's afraid of what I might think if she tries to use my powers to her advantage, id doesn't help that we have that whole Clark and Lex history that I wish we could forget. She is a Luthor and I am a Kryptonian but I know that she will never try to hurt me or use me. Not ever again. We made and extensive list of promises to each other and they will never be broken. She is not like her family. What happened recently with Lex is evidence of that. She is pure. Sure, she gets hurt and makes mistakes but everything she has ever done ultimately led to her trying to do something for the good of the world! I wish she knew how much I trust her, and if she does, I wish she didn't feel so guilty about it.

I think I need to take her somewhere where the distractions of our lives cannot reach us. I need to treat her. She deserves to be treated like a queen. She mentioned that one of her happiest childhood memories was when she would visit this pink waffle house in Ireland. It was quite a drive away from where she lived but that was what added to the magic of it, she said it was like a long journey to a magical land where she was able to spend time talking to her mom as they drove. She mentioned that she wanted to go back there but couldn't find it online. Afterall, she was only a child when she was last there. Perhaps I could find it?

…

Alright, I am back. I researched a little then flew there and asked the locals about it. It is just as magical as she described but I didn't look too closely, I want her to show me. I hope she enjoys our lunch trip and that it isn't too much for her to handle emotionally. I know the subject of her mother and childhood is something that she regards as sacred. I am only lucky that she has shared with me the things she has.

Tomorrow is going to be amazing, but I'd better get rested, it is late enough.

Friday

…So a lot of stuff happened today, and a lot of feelings were discovered. I don't even know what to say. I know if I write it then it makes it real, I don't know if I am ready for that, but I also feel like I need to acknowledge it. Even if it hurts.

Okay I am just going to give you a full run down on everything that happened today:

The day started with a bank robbery, they disabled the alarms and thought they were early enough for this sleepy Kryptonian to miss them, but they were wrong because I was already wake! I wanted to make a few more plans for our lunch date, make sure Lena would find it as good as I wanted it to be and all that. It just had to be perfect, okay? Anyway, they were no match for me. I was on fire this morning. I even managed to get to work on time. I did as much as I could, I may have used superspeed but it was slow enough (or fast enough 😉) for anyone to notice. I made up and excuse and then took off. I think everyone is used to me running out of the office with weird explanations that it's just the norm. I get my work done, and I do it well so there really is no problem.

I met Lena at her office at noon. I told her what I had planned and she didn't seem nervous, but excited. That was a good sign. Then she took the rest of the afternoon off (not that she needs permission from anyone) and we hit the sky. She wore a gigantic jacket with a hood, she zipped it up and pulled the hood stings to cover most of her face, then looked at me and told me that the last few times I have flown her somewhere she got cold and her hair looked 'terrible' when we landed. She then accused me of having perfect alien hair on top of everything else. She said it in a different voice and I didn't know what she meant by 'everything else' so I laughed, it was all I could do, really. She looked so cute I thought I was going to melt at the sight.

At first, as we flew, I was holding her like they do in all of those romantic movies when they carry their bride into the hotel room, that is how I usually carry her. Then she changed positions and for some reason I liked it better even though I feel like it would have made me feel uncomfortable if it were anyone else. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders while I held her around the waist and then she wrapped her legs around my torso. We were so close. I could feel her breath against the skin of my neck and I could feel her heartbeat against mine. It was like a long hug. It made me slow down a little and fly vertically so it would last a little longer and she could see the sun set over the beautiful green landscapes, reminding us of the time difference, as we approached her home country. It really was as magical as she had always said it to be. That moment felt so magical. I didn't have to look at her to know that she was in awe and I couldn't deny that I was too- but mostly because of her.

We landed in a field of wildflowers and shoved the giant jacket and super-suit into a duffel bag which I carried. The walk was only supposed to be 5 minutes but we walked slowly along the road as Lena told me about her mother and a few more of the vague memories she had of this land. When we reached the waffle house her face lit up like I had never seen before. The last light of day was quickly fading and it stood like a beautiful pink castle. Tears threatened to escape her eyes but she didn't let them. She whispered my name and said it was exactly how she remembered it. She grabbed my hand. I wish I knew what she was thinking. She'd never looked so happy. Seeing that made me feel happy. She rarely has opportunities to feel joy like that. I think she deserved it.

We went inside and inspected the place thoroughly. She never said a word but she kept her grip on my hand. Eventually, we found a booth and sat down. I was disappointed when she let go of my hand. While we were looking over the menu an old lady with auburn hair appeared, ready to take our order but when she laid her eyes on Lena, her jaw dropped. It turned out that she knew exactly who Lena was. She'd been following the news, keeping track of her ever since Lionel took Lena back to America. She owned the restaurant and knew Lena's mother! It was such an exciting discovery. Her name is Rachel. Lena invited her to join us, so she ordered all of us the waffle that apparently used to be Lena's favourite. She explained to us who she was and how she knew Lena's mom, then spent the next two hours telling us stories about her. She seems like such a lovely woman. It breaks my heart to think that Lena had to grow up without her. Her life would have been so different.

When the store closed and we had to part ways they exchanged contact details and Lena and I walked through the town as she spoke about what had just happened. She retold parts of some stories she had just heard and expressed more questions she had, which she would ask Rachel in the future. There was so much excitement in her voice. I am so happy that she had that experience. I could have listened to her speak like that forever. At one point she stopped and stared at me for a while. Her face seemed so soft in the street light, her eyes so green. For some reason my heart started to beat faster. I asked her what she was thinking and suddenly she wrapped her arms around me tightly and told me that she loved me and was thankful for our friendship. She thanked me for finding the waffle house and said some other heartfelt things which made me start to cry. When she saw my tears, she started crying too, so we held each other a little tighter and stayed like that for a long time.

It was in that moment, as I held her, that I finally realized something. Something that I have been forcing myself to ignore for the longest time. I am afraid to admit it. Lena is the most precious person in my life. I know that I have Alex and J'honn and everyone else but Lena is different. From the day I met her, she has meant more to me than I could explain, not to her, not to myself, not to anyone. I never understood why I felt everything so very deeply. Every word, every interaction, every fight, every action. It is part of what kept me from telling her the truth about who I am for so long. When she stared at me at the Pulitzer event, when she betrayed me in the fortress and told me what she really thought, all those alternate realities Mxy let me visit, and everything else that came with our fight- those were the most heart-breaking events of my life. I felt everything so deeply. I have lost people before, I have fought with the people I loved before, but I have never felt so completely broken. Every good moment I've had with her has left me happier than anyone or anything else ever could. Lena makes me happy.

The way I see her and look at her, it is like she is the sun, I can't exist without her and I always feel guilty for it, I don't know if I am allowed to look at her like that. I just see my world in her eyes. Lena is more to me than just a friend. I have been hiding that from myself for the longest time, but not anymore. I can't anymore. Not after realizing this.

So, as we stood there, holding each other, I whispered that I loved her too but, for the first time, the feelings behind it were different. They were deeper and they were real.

I am in love with Lena Luthor.

Now it is on paper and I can't deny its truth. I don't know what to do.

After some more time in Ireland, we flew back to National City to catch yet another sunset. I took her to her apartment and she asked me to stay with her. She curled up to me on the couch as we watched Titanic. Then she fell asleep in my arms and I carried her to bed, then flew straight home.

I feel guilty. I felt so guilty even touching her as we flew home, but if I hadn't she would have fallen. I felt guilty staying and when she cuddled up to me, I didn't know what to do. Best friends do that, right? But they don't have the feelings I have. I know that she would never have feelings like that. It is unfair. All I could think about was my feelings and how perfect she is, how good she smelt and how incredibly soft her hair is.

Rao, this is hard for me to process…

What if these feelings don't go away? What if every time I see her, I have to pretend I don't feel anything? What if she dates someone? I could barely stand the thought of it when she was with James, now I know why and I don't think I could handle that again. I don't know if I am going to be able to even handle our friendship if these feelings don't go away. I wish this was a phase or some kind of kryptonite poisoning but it is not. This is real, I feel it to my very core. When Alex came out to me, I felt like I understood everything she said so deeply and I didn't understand why, I thought that maybe I just supported the LGBTQ community so much that I was happy for her, but it was more than that. I got it. I felt it. I feel it. Maybe this is who I am?

I have always struggled with relationships. I have always been there for the chase but the minute things get serious or I get intimate I back away, if not physically then emotionally. I almost always regret my decisions when it comes to getting close. Maybe it is because of this… But I still find men attractive, I don't get it. And I have had one or two relationships with men that didn't feel wrong. I don't know anything. I have a lot to process but this is clear:

I have feelings for Lena but she doesn't like me like that. I am her best friend. I am just Kara. That is how it will stay. I will never speak of it. I have lost her once and I will NEVER let that happen again. I love her, but the friendly love I have always shown will have to be enough. So, I will just have to try love her like that. Nothing can change.

Today was amazing. It was pure and perfect and Lena was happy and I was happy. This is how things have to stay. I love her too much to even think about telling her.