We open to Tegridy Farms, it was a cold night for Randy Marsh as he had just finished another delivery.
Randy: Boy, what a day.
Randy takes off his coat and takes a seat on the couch.
Randy turns on the TV.
Randy: Walking Dead here I come.
Suddenly the kitchen light turned on.
Voice: I hope you don't mind, I decided to pour myself a bottle of Jack.
The voice sounded like a male and his accent was English, the kind of English accent you wanted to punch really hard.
Randy screamed.
Sharon (Off-Screen): What's going on?
Randy: Nothing Sharon, just watching The Walking Dead. There was a very gory kill that made me sc-
Sharon (Off-Screen): Ok.
Randy: Ok.
Randy continued to watch TV.
Randy: Wait a minute.
Randy looks back at the kitchen and noticed the strange man sitting at the table.
The man was wearing a red suit, red pants, black shoes and sunglasses with orange lenses.
Man: I haven't caught up on Walking Dead, is Negan dead yet?
Randy paused The Walking Dead and approached the table.
Randy: Who are you?
Man: Please Marsh, don't be a cunt and have a seat.
Randy: Who are you?
Man: Have...a seat.
Randy: I won't until you tell me your name.
Man: I won't tell you my name unless you sit down.
Randy: I won't sit down unless you tell me your name.
Man: If you sit down I'll give you a cake.
Randy: If you tell me your name I'll give you free weed.
Man: I don't like drugs. If you sit down, I'll give you cake and a signed portrait of Hugh Grant.
Randy: If you tell me your name than I'll give you a vegan burger and a copy of Charlie's Angels.
Man: I'm not a vegan and I fucking hated that movie. Not because of the women, but because of Kristen Stewart. Sit down and I'll give you cake, a signed portrait of Hugh Grant and a copy of the Snyder cut of Justice League.
Randy: Tempting. But if you tell me your name than I'll uh...give you this apple...my Ryan Reynolds collection and...
Randy takes off his belt.
Randy: ...my belt.
Man: Hmm. The apple's good, depends what movies you're speaking about and I don't think that belt is my size.
Randy: Dammit. Well your bribes are better than mine so...
Randy takes a seat.
Randy: Who are you?
The man starts cutting the cake with a knife.
Man: My name's Dexter. I'm a private journalist/photographer. I get hired to take pictures for newspapers, tabloids, news channels and Facebook tabloids. Let me tell you something, it's the best profession I ever had.
Randy: So are you here to interview me? Well, I'll tell you about how I love to bring fucking Tegridy to-
Dexter: Don't give me that bullshit mate.
Randy: But your a journalist.
Dexter: I know. I don't want to interview Randy, I want us to tell a story. A story about grudges, drugs, violence, gangsters and if this was a movie it'd be told in a non linear structure.
Randy: What?
Dexter: Like Memento, Once a Time In America and Pulp Fiction, those are non linear movies. I'm gonna tell you some parts you know happened and some parts you don't know happened.
Randy: Why do you wanna tell me parts I know happened?
Dexter: To tell you the truth...I don't know.
Flashback.
The flashback starts with Randy and Towelie getting out of a car. They stop to marvel at the mansion.
Dexter (Narrating): From what I've heard it began when you decided to pay my client, Rickey Peterson a visit. But why?
End of flashback.
Dexter: What happened way before you arrived?
Randy: Ok. I-
Dexter: No lying. Because I know when somebody's lying. Tell me, what went off before all that.
Flashback.
Randy (Narrating): It was another day at Tegridy Farms. We were making allot of money and weed.
Towelie was typing on the computer.
Randy enters the room.
Randy: How are we doing Towelie?
Towelie: Not so good.
Randy: What?! Is home grown back on the market?
Towelie: Not exactly.
Randy: What do you mean?
Towelie: Nobody's bought any home grown weed.
Randy: That's outrageous. I'll be right back.
Randy (Narrating): Than I went to visit my good friend Stephen Stotch. He's quite prominent character in this town although I keep hearing rumours that people aren't so fond of him.
Randy knocks on the door and Stephen answered.
Stephen: Oh, hi Randy.
Randy: Hi Stephen, I got your buds right in this box. Get it?
Stephen laughed.
Stephen: Nice weed pun Randy, but I already bought some weed.
Randy: What do you mean "you bought some weed?"
Stephen: Come in Randy.
Randy accepts Stephen's offer and enters his house.
Later.
Randy exits the house in anger.
Dexter (Narrating): Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! What the fuck happened?
Flashback ends.
Randy: You said you wanted the story to be non linear.
Dexter: Yeah, but you don't just skip a scene and than go back to that scene in a flashback it becomes jumbled up. Do you understand what I am saying? Tell me, what happened in that scene.
Randy: Ok.
Flashback.
Stotch residence int.
Stephen opens a drawer and shows Randy a box.
Randy (Doing an impression of Brad Pitt from Se7en) What's in the box?
Stephen laughed.
Stephen: Se7en references never get old.
Stephen opens the box and shows Randy weed.
Randy: Is that my weed?
Stephen: No, it's a new batch of weed that's been around for 3 months. Aren't you aware of it Randy?
Randy: I was never made aware of it.
Stephen: How weren't you made aware of it? There's billboards, posters and ads everywhere.
Flashback ends.
Dexter: Here's the confusing part, how in the flying fuck did you not notice the ads?
Randy: They just flew by me.
Dexter: How? No, don't wanna get off topic. Back to the story.
Flashback.
Randy: What's the brand name?
Stephen: They came from Satis-Factory farm. That's satisfactory with a hyphen between the satis and the factory. Clever right?
Randy did a nervous laugh.
Randy: Fuck you.
Stephen: What?
Randy: Fuck you!!! My weed is better than this asshole's!!! What's his or her's name?
Stephen: His name is Rickey Peterson.
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly theme is heard.
Randy: What was that?
Stephen: I don't know.
Randy: Well whoever he is, I am gonna have a word with him.
Randy walks out of the house and closes the door.
Randy enters the house again.
Randy: Where is his business?
Stephen: Right next to the Blacks.
Randy: Mark my words Stephen, once I am done with Rickey you'll have no choice but to move back to my farm.
Randy closes the door.
Later.
Randy was in his car with Towelie sitting in the passenger seat.
Randy (Narrating): I then told Towelie about Rickey and made our way to his farm. What we didn't know is how rich he actually is?
Randy parks up outside a big mansion.
Randy: He made that in three months?
Randy and Towelie walk up to the front door.
Towelie: So how are we doing this? Aggressive or mellowed?
Randy: I say we do things calm and if he's as much of an asshole I think he is, then we get aggressive.
Randy knocks on the door.
Towelie: Melllowed?
Randy: Mellowed.
The door opened and standing there was a man who looked like he was in his late thirties and to Randy: he was the size of an American football player.
Man: What do you want? We don't open till 10, come back in an hour, alright lads?
Randy: No, we're not here for weed we're-
Towelie: We're here to kill you! You business killing son of a bitch!
Towelie than jumps onto the man's face and starts punching him.
The man tried to get Towelie off of him, but Towelie just stayed on.
Randy: Towelie! Towelie! Towelie! Get off of him!
Randy tried to get Towelie off the man's face.
The man managed to pull Towelie off his face and threw him on the floor and than puts his foot on him.
Randy: Look I am-
The man than pulls a gun out of his pocket and points the gun at Randy.
Man: Who sent you?
Randy puts his hands in the air.
Randy: Look Rickey, I'm-
Man: Rickey? What do you mean Rickey?
Randy: Your name is Rickey, right?
There was a long pause between the two.
Man: Do I look like a fucking Rickey?!
Randy: Uh...
Man: Answer my question, do I look like a fucking Rickey?
Randy stares at the man a little longer.
Voice: The answer's no.
The voice sounded southern. Southern like Matthew McConaughey.
Randy turned to where the voice was coming from.
There was a man walking down a flight of stairs; dressed in a nice red suit, red pants, some nice black shoes, a few bits of stubble on his face and hair like Matthew McConaughey.
Man: I'm Rickey Peterson.
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly theme is heard again.
Randy: Where is that music coming from?
Rickey: Get used to it you're gonna hear it allot when I either introduce myself or someone does it for me. Hello Randy.
Randy: You know my name?
Rickey: Of course I do. Everyone in South Park knows the name of the terrorist who got away with blowing up backyards.
Other Man who isn't a Rickey: Is your town thick or something?
Randy: What do you mean?
Rickey: Thick, it's Jayman's slang for retarded.
Jayman: It's a British slang Rickey.
Randy: Listen, I only wanna talk. I don't wanna bring trouble.
Rickey: Than why is my bodyguard pointing a fucking gun at your head?
Randy: I'm so sorry, my partner Towelie attacked him.
Jayman: He was like a fucking Facehugger.
Rickey: He's just a fucking towel Jay.
Towelie: You're a fucking towel.
Rickey chuckled.
Randy: Could you let go of him?
Jayman: As long as he promises not to attack me.
Randy: Towelie, do you promise not to attack Jayman?
Towelie: He's pointing a gun at you Randy, why shouldn't I attack him?
Jayman: Because of got a tank of gasoline and a box of matches with your name on it.
Rickey: Jay, no violence. Put the gun back in your pocket.
Jayman: Alright.
Jay puts his gun back in his pocket.
Jay moves his foot off of Towelie.
Jayman: Are we cool?
Towelie stares at Jay for a minute and than latches onto his face again.
Randy: Fuck! Towelie!
Rickey did an annoyed sigh.
French Narrator: A few more facehugger style attacks later.
Randy was sitting on a chair right across from where Rickey was sitting. While Jay was standing behind where Rickey was sitting.
Rickey takes a sip of a drink and places it on the table in front of him.
Rickey: Boy those escalated quickly.
Randy: Yeah. How are you liking that weed Towelie?
Towelie was laying on the couch smoking weed.
Rickey: I think he likes my weed.
Randy: He likes my weed better, I know he does.
Rickey: You wanna ask him once he's sober?
Randy glares at Rickey.
Rickey: So, what brings you here to my humble abode?
Randy: I just wanna ask you a question.
Rickey: And what will that be?
Randy: Could you get the fuck out of South Park, please?
Rickey is stunned at Randy's question.
Rickey: Why do you want me to get the fuck out of this town?
Randy: Because you're ruining my business by stealing my customers.
Rickey: Stealing? Stealing? My good sir, I do not steal customers. I'm just a simple farmer trying to make my place in this world.
Randy: A simple farmer?
Rickey: I'm not just a weed farmer Randy. Look outside.
Randy gets out of his seat and looks outside.
Rickey: What do you see?
Randy: A topless lady sunbathing.
Rickey: A topless lady sunbathing that is co-No!
Rickey gets out of his seat and sees what Randy's looking at.
Rickey: That's my wife you perverted cunt!
Randy: Sorry.
Rickey moves Randy to another side of the window.
Rickey: What do you see?
Randy: A field with cows and sheep, a garden of vegetables, a forest of apple trees and a field of weed.
Rickey: Like I said Randy, I'm just a simple farmer. I don't just grow weed, I grow apples for my cider, I grow vegetables for stores and I help breed animals so I can put meat in delicious burgers.
Rickey and Randy return to their seats.
Randy: So that's why you're doing better than me? Because you're selling all this.
Rickey: No, it was the weed that made me a richer person. Three months back I was a farmer, farming for vegetables, apples and breeding animals. I was rich already but I became richer when I started selling weed. You see, before weed became legal I was growing it. I wasn't planning on selling it I only just wanted to grow it. Because I thought it really tied my green house together. One day, I found out my business wasn't doing so great and as last ditch effort I was selling my weed. On the first four days I only got 3 customers a day. I sat on my couch thinking, how does that asshole Randy Marsh get so many customers? Answer: he mixed weed with cocaine. That's when it hit me. Instead of mixing a drug with another drug, how about I mix my the drug with my vegetables? And that's what I did. Word about it got around pretty fast and in about three weeks I was one rich motherfucker. I didn't expect allot of people to come to me like that and it was amazing. I felt like I just won an Oscar, it was incredible.
Randy only stared at Rickey in anger.
Rickey: You ok?
Randy: Fine, I'm just concentrated at my gun pointing at your balls.
Rickey stares at Randy with fear.
Suddenly, there was a gun shot and Rickey was screaming in pain.
Jayman pulls his gun out, but Randy quickly shoots him in the head.
Randy: You think your nice voice is gonna make me not stop you from getting in the way of my business you diluted cunt!
Rickey continued to scream in pain.
Randy: You looking for your balls you stupid fucking alien!
Suddenly, Rickey turned into a Predator from Predator.
Dexter: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! That's not how it went.
Present day.
Dexter: Randy, what the fuck are you doing?
Randy: I'm just trying to make my story exciting.
Dexter: By telling fucking lies? Bohemian Rhapsody told allot of fucking lies and look where and now look at it, it's being criticised by Queen fans and fucking historians.
Randy: Alright, I'll tell you what happened? I then shot him in the balls and it turns out he was from Krypton and I had to use-
Dexter: Should I just tell that part? Because you wanna make yourself look like a fucking badarse.
Randy: I'll tell it truthfully.
Dexter: Good.
Flashback.
Rickey: I felt like I just won an Oscar, it was incredible.
Randy only stared at Rickey in anger.
Rickey: You ok?
Randy: Yeah, I'm just concentrated at my gun that is pointing at your balls.
Rickey stares at Randy in fear.
Suddenly, Randy fires the gun and it turns out it was just a water pistol.
Rickey jumped off his chair.
Rickey: Oh you motherfucker!
Jayman points his gun at Randy.
Rickey: Jayman don't! It's just a water pistol.
Randy laughed.
Randy: You look like you peed yourself.
Jayman: God. Smells like piss.
Randy: That's because it's my pee.
Rickey: Disgusting, I'm gonna be open in 8 minutes and I don't want customers to think I pissed myself.
Randy: Take that as a warning, if you don't shut down then there's gonna be trouble. Huge trouble. Come on Towelie.
Towelie gets off the couch and follows Randy.
Randy walks out of the door while Towelie walked into the door.
Randy: Mark my words Rickey, this isn't over!
Later.
Randy was in his car driving back to Tegridy Farms.
Towelie: So what are we gonna do?
Randy: What I did last time, blow up his weed.
Randy (Narrating): But what I didn't expect was this.
Suddenly, Randy and Towelie get knocked down like they were hit by a car and that's because they were.
Randy (Narrating): After that, I woke up on a comedy ass bed.
Flashback ends.
Dexter: And why do you think your car got hit by another car? Don't answe the comfey ass bed question because I think you know.
Randy: Because there was an idiot driver.
Dexter: Not exactly.
Flashback.
Randy: Mark my words Rickey, this isn't over!
Randy closes the door.
Rickey walks up to the window and watches Randy drive away.
Jayman: What do you think's gonna happen next?
Rickey: Well my theory is he's gonna blow up my weed crops and even when we catch the act on tape the Whites will help him out of life imprisonment. We can't have that Jay.
Jayman: So we execute the Whites?
Rickey: No. He'll be pardoned by the President even if we execute those prejudice fucks.
Jayman: We execute the Whites and then the President?
Rickey: Oh now you want feds on your ass? Because if you kill the President then you'll be shot dead by a fucking nightclub owner.
Jayman: So, we're gonna kill Randy?
Rickey: Yes, do it loud and clear.
Flashback ends.
Randy: Rickey ordered my death?!
Dexter: Can't say I blame him. You blew up a bunch of backyards because of homegrown weed and he didn't want the same thing happening to him because he knows how much of a psychotic cunt you are.
Randy: Ha Ha. Fuck you.
Dexter: Yes, fuck me. Now, do you know what happened next?
Randy: I don't know I blacked out and I doubt you know because you weren't there.
Dexter: How do you know I wasn't there?
Dexter pulls a bag from out underneath the table.
Dexter: Because look what I have in my little baggy.
Dexter opens the bag and pulls a photograph from it.
Dexter hands Randy the photograph.
Dexter: Look at that, that's your car and beside the car are bunch of guys on the ground. What do you think they're doing?
Randy: Sleeping?
Flashback.
Jayman and 3 armed assassins were approaching Randy's vehicle.
Jayman: Pull him out lads.
Two of the assassins pulled Randy out the car.
Randy had a cut on his face and his mouth was bleeding.
The assassins threw him onto the ground.
Jayman points his gun at Randy.
Jayman: Bringing Tegridy. I'm about to bring fucking Tegridy you cunt.
A Cuban voice: Hey! What the fuck's going on?!
Jayman: Oh shit.
Behind Jay and the assassins was a man about 5 foot, 7 inches wearing a red shirt and a white overall.
Man: What the fuck is going on?
Jayman: Mr Cyrus, hi.
Mr Cyrus: Jayman, what the fuck are you and your armed pussies doing outside of my fucking mansion planning to kill the man who helped me become the biggest coke seller in America.
Jayman: This may sound ridiculous but he's planning to blow up my boss' crops.
Mr Cyrus: Aww yes, you being your paranoid self. Thinking that some harmless man is gonna sabotage your boss' business.
Jayman: Yes, Ha Ha. Very funny Tony.
Tony: Yes, I am hilarious aren't I?
Armed assassin: No.
Tony: Well your humour's dead, man.
Jayman: Listen Tony I'm busy right now, so could you leave me and my assassins alarm so I can waste this cunt.
Tony: I would if he wasn't Randy Marsh.
Jayman and his assassins start to point their guns at Tony.
Jayman: How about you fuck off before we blow your head off?
Tony puts his hands up.
Tony: Feisty today aren't we? How about we cool things out? Let me take Randy and-
Jayman: I'm about to count to three if you're Cuban arse isn't in that house in five seconds. Five.
Tony stared at Jay with anger in his eyes.
Jayman: Four. Three. Two. On-
Suddenly, Tony pulls a machine gun out of his pocket and starts to shoot like crazy.
He shoots Jayman in the shoulder and kills all of the armed assassins.
And in 1 minute, Tony was out of ammo.
Tony: Alright you cockroaches! Listen to me! Wait, you can't because all of you are dead!!!!
Unknown to Tony, Dexter was behind a bush taking pictures and enjoying what he had taken.
Randy: You was there?
Flashback ends.
Dexter: I was.
Randy: Why?
Dexter: You'll see. Now tell me what you and Tony did at his humble abode.
Flashback.
Randy (Narrating): I woke up in a bed feeling like I just had a hangover. I was covered in band aids and Towelie was relaxing in a hot tub.
Randy got out of the bed and approached Towelie.
Randy: Hey Towelie.
Towelie: Oh hey Randy.
Randy: What's going on? Why are you in a hot tub?
Towelie: Because I am. I can't quite remember what happened. Last thing I remember was a car hit us and than I somehow ended up in this hot tub.
Suddenly, Tony walked into the room.
Tony: Randy Marsh.
Tony hugged Randy.
Randy: Uh...hi.
Tony: I'm so sorry man, that was awkward.
Randy: Yeah, it kind of was. Who are you?
Tony: Tony Cyrus. I am Miley Cyrus' cousin from Cuba.
Randy: Are you really?
Tony: Yes I am. You don't see me in the newspapers or tabloids because it'd be bad publicity if the public found out that Miley Cyrus' cousin is just a guy selling coke.
Randy: Is Miley part Cuban?
Tony: I never got around to studying my heritage. Please come in to my dining room for lunch.
Randy: Ok.
Tony leads Randy into the dining room.
Tony: It's my first time having dinner with a celebrity.
Randy: Doesn't your couisn count as a celebrity?
Tony: Not really, she counts as more as family than just another celebrity.
Randy and Tony sit on some chairs by a table.
A butler hands them a tray of fruit.
Tony: Help yourself.
Randy: So what happened?
Tony: You were almost murdered by armed assailants, I killed them all.
Randy: How many were there?
Tony: Four. And I had no fucking help whatsoever. Because I have the balls to go up against an army. I'm a one man army Randy.
Randy: Why did you rescue me?
Tony: Because you're Randy fucking Marsh, the man who legalised cocaine, I couldn't let an amazing man die right in front of my own home.
Randy: So, I'm like your idol?
Tony: Of course. Before you legalised cocaine, I was a drug dealer that went by the name of Scarvase.
Randy: You're Scarvase?
Tony: The one and only, baby. During my time as Scarvase I was selling my cocaine to the highest bidders. Charlie Sheen, Corey Feldman, Edward Furlong, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse and my cousin Miley. The reason for her slutty behaviour wasn't because of cannibis, it was because of my product. Without it she wouldn't be as popular now.
Randy: What did you do when people tried to expose your business?
Tony: The simple drug boss shit. I had them killed. Their necks hanging by choppers, fed to a pool of sharks, shot to death, choked with piano wire, stabbed to death, run over, blown up, the list is very fucking long.
Randy: Is it wrong that I'm having dinner with a drug dealer?
Tony: Ex. Now that cocaine is legal, I'm more of a businessman.
Randy: Thanks for the meal Tony, but I better get going.
Randy gets out of his seat and starts to make his way to the exit.
Tony: No Randy, I saved your ass, it's about time you do me a favour.
Randy: What favour?
Tony: You know some shit about setting explosives and somehow getting away with it even though the evidence is bright as fucking day.
Randy: Yeah I know about 50/50 of it.
Tony: Good. Because I have a rival who's been a thorn in my sight for far too long, Rickey Peterson.
Randy: Yeah, he's been a thorn in my sight as well.
Tony: Trying to sabotage your business?
Randy: Yup.
Tony: I have a plan to get him back. You see me and him, he thinks we're on good terms. On the outside we are, but inside is a fire that wants to burst out and burn that fucker to ash.
Randy: So, you want me to kill him?
Tony: Killing is too easy. But blowing up his crops might teach him a lesson about sabotaging someone's business.
Randy: So you want me to do that?
Tony: Yes. While Rickey is gonna be distracted at my party. It's a charity event. It's for AIDS research.
Randy: Wow for a drug lord-
Tony: Ex! I don't want to emphasise it, just say "ex drug lord".
Randy: Right, for an ex drug lord you're a very charitable guy.
Tony: Fucking a. The party's tomorrow, get your bombs ready because my party is gonna end with a fucking bang.
Randy starts doing an evil chuckle, Tony then joins in.
Their chuckles then turn into pure maniacal laughs.
They continue their maniacal laughs.
They stop laughing.
Tony: What's so funny about ruining a man's career?
Randy: I don't know you just kind of ended your sentence with a pun and I thought it was a funny pun.
Tony: Oh.
They stared at each other.
Tony: I guess it is kind of funny.
They continue their maniacal laughs.
The next day.
Peterson mansion.
Rickey and his wife were entering their limo.
Rickey: You look sexy Rox.
Rox (Rickey's wife): Of course I do, it's your favourite dress. I'll let play with it while on our way.
Rickey pulls a smirk.
Rickey: Now we're talking.
Rickey and his wife enetered their limo.
Then the limo drove off.
Randy and Towelie popped out of their hiding place, which was in the field of weed.
Randy: Time to start planting my own seeds.
Towelie: Um phrasing!
Randy (Narrating): And than me and Towelie planeted the bombs and made our way home. But Towelie decided to have a drink at Skeeter's so he'll be back at some point. I than returned home to watch The Walking Dead...
Flashback ends.
Randy:...And that's when I met you.
Dexter: Mmm hmm. So tell me about the bombs, are they set to detonate? Or are they set to be detonated on command?
Randy: They shall be set to be detonated by command right...
Randy looks at his watch.
Randy: Oh shit! I should've detonated them like 20 minutes ago! What was I doing?!
Randy pulls a detonator out of his pocket.
Dexter: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Randy: Why?
Dexter: Actually, you do what makes you happy.
Randy: Ok. Time for you to go kaboom Rickey's business!
Randy pushes the detonator and...
Randy: Well the farm is further away from mine so, I better ask somebody if there was an explosion there.
Randy pulled his phone out of his pocket and started to dial a number.
Randy: Hey Steve.
Randy (Mouthing to Dexter): It's Steve Black.
Dexter (Mouthing to Randy): Oh.
Randy: Hey Steve, random question was there an explosion by the Peaterson residence?...No...I'm just being my stupid self...Yeah, I'll see you at some point next week.
Randy hangs up.
Randy: Why wasn't there an explosion?
Dexter: I think you know.
Randy: Did Rickey predict what I was gonna do?
Dexter: Not exactly.
Randy: What do you mean?
Dexter: Stay seated Randy, I wanna tell you a story.
Randy: What's the story? And does it have a happy ending?
Dexter: That depends. Let's start at the beginning. Way, at the beginning. Before all the Tegridy Farms bullshit and the whole terrorist thing.
Randy: How far back are we going? And what does it have to do with the bombs not working?
Dexter: You've asked and you shall receive. A long time ago, you were a singer, not the whole boy band thing I meant a certain singer.
Randy: You know I was-
Dexter: Hello Lorde, I'm your ex paparazzi.
Randy was shocked.
Dexter: I wasn't the journalist that wanted to expose you no I wasn't, I was way ahead of him. I followed you when I realised that you were Lorde and I took pictures as evidence. I was about to hand them in as evidence, but I wanted to keep watching you for a while. I saw you do cock magic, turn PC, helping our used to be soon President and banning Columbus Day. But things got interesting when you opened that farm. I took pictures of your children wearing this fuck ugly shirts and I showed them to my friend Simon Cowell.
Flashback to Dexter showing Simon Cowell the pictures of Stan and Shelly wearing those shirts.
Simon Cowell: I'm not your friend and these are just awful ways to advertise someone's business. You call that clothing? A person wearing a shirt that advertised public executions would be more fashionable.
Flashback ends.
Randy: I can't believe I just got roasted by Simon Cowell and he didn't do it face to face with me.
Dexter: Yeah, yeah, yadda, yadda, back to the story. At first I thought it was gonna get boring, the part about you not caring about your son being lost in the Amazon was interesting but you were too focused on your stuffed yous; so I decided to spice things up a bit.
Randy: What do you mean by that? Wait a minute, spice things up?
Dexter: You got it.
Randy: No, you can't be.
Dexter: I am. But could you say it just in case some people who we can't see don't know.
Randy stares at Dexter with anger.
Randy: You convinced people to buy home grown weed.
Dexter: That's right. I wanted to see how you'd react. At first it was kind of amusing to see you force your son to turn into some kind of male Greta Thunberg, but then I made a mistake. I didn't expect you to turn into Osama Marsh Laden and blow up backyards. I was horrified, these photos had to be seen but then a little birdie told me you were going to China.
Flashback to Dexter giving an interview to Crimson Dawn.
Dexter: So tell me Stan, do your parents support what you're doing?
Stan: Well my Mom does, but my Dad on the other hand is in fucking China and he hasn't returned in like a few days. He hasn't even heard me play because he wants to sell weed to China.
Hearing that revelation made Dexter smile.
Dexter: Look at the time, interview is over gotta go.
Dexter gets out of his seat and runs out of the building.
Butters: Hey you didn't interview me, Jimmy or Kenny.
Dexter (Off-Screen): Don't fucking care!
Dexter (Narrating): Then I got that flight to China and I seeing you in prison made me smile. But then you made that deal with China and slaughtered Winnie The Pooh.
Flashback ends.
Randy: What? I didn't. First you claim I'm Lorde, then you claim I committed an act of terrorism and now you claim I murdered a beloved icon like Winnie The Pooh? You're making things up.
Dexter: Am I? Look at this photo.
Dexter hands Randy the photograph of Randy strangling Winnie The Pooh.
Dexter: Look at that, it doesn't look like you're recreating the opening to No Country For Old Men. Then weed was legalised in China. I followed you parading your 300,000 thousand dollar deal with China and it got quite annoying that. Then you slaughtered cows and poisoned your customers with your daughter's potion. Granted she did it, but she was doing it to stop you because she saw that monster. Yet, you sold it and poisoned everyone. The Mayor had balls to finally arrest you, but you had to get that pardon from The President didn't you? And the support from the Whites. Even though THERE WAS FUCKING EVIDENCE YOU BLEW UP EVERYONE'S BACKYARDS!!! You stupid fucking cunt. And you got away with it. Then you did something that pissed me off, you legalised the drug that killed my favourite female artist.
Randy: Miley Cyrus?
Dexter: She's not dead you dumb cunt, I meant Whitney Houston. You legalised cocaine. Santa Clause and Jesus approved. Fuck you! But this week has been very interesting for me because you did some things that will finally get you locked up. After your little accident, I followed Tony carrying you into his mansion. I recorded the whole conversation and ran back to Mickey.
Flashback.
Peterson residence.
Rickey was staring outside the window.
A maid enters the room.
Maid: Mr Peterson.
Rickey: What is it Wanda?
Wanda: There's a D-
Dexter entered the room.
Dexter: No need for introductions he knows who I am.
Rickey: What do you want Dexter?
Dexter: Ooooo Rickey, you still haven't forgiven me for that whole Begian prostitute scandal?
Rickey: Yes I have forgiven you, my face just refused to show forgiveness!!!
Dexter: Rickey, don't get all cunty with me because I'm wanting Randy Marsh gone as well.
Rickey: You do? Indulge me.
Dexter: Randy Marsh and Tony Cyrus are working together to destroy your business.
Rickey: Are you pulling another one of your creative lies? Because I ain't falling for it. I know Tony shot and injured my best man but I doubt it's actually true.
Dexter: Lying? You daft pillock, I'm not lying. Look at the video that is on my phone.
Rickey watches the video.
Dexter: What do you think?
Rickey: Well that wasn't Al Pacino or Burt fucking Reynolds.
Dexter: Do you have a plan?
Rickey stares out of the window.
Rickey: You remember the Belgian prostitute scandal?
Dexter: Helps me get to sleep every night.
Rickey: Why am I not surprised? How about we get Randy off that farm with a bit of blackmail?
Dexter did a cheeky grin.
Dexter: Holy shit, I'm gonna come.
Dexter (Narrating): It was a carefully strategised plan. As soon as you placed those bombs, we had a bunch of people we hired who were part of the bomb squad in Iraq to help us disarm those bombs.
Flashback ends.
Randy: That's why they aren't exploding?
Dexter: That's not all.
Flashback.
Cyrus residence.
Tony was relaxing in his bath tub.
Tony closed his eyes and started to sleep.
He was woken up by somebody slapping him on his face.
Tony woke up and saw Jayman standing right beside his tub.
Jayman: Next time you shoot somebody in the shoulder, make sure they're dead.
Tony: Fuck you.
Jayman then grabs Tony by the face and forces him underwater.
Tony was struggling to get out of the tub but he was no match for Jayman's strength.
And in a few minutes, Tony was no longer breathing.
Later.
White residence.
The White family were watching TV.
There was a knock on the door.
Mr White went to answer it.
When Mr White answered the door, there was a UPS man standing on the front porch.
UPS man: Package for Robert White.
Mr White: I didn't order anything, what is it?
UPS man: Lets see.
The UPS man starts to inspect the box.
UPS man: It says "A bullet with your name on it."
Suddenly, the UPS man pulls a gun from the box and shoots Mr White dead.
Mrs White and their children screamed in horror.
UPS man (Speaking in French accent): No women no kids.
Meanwhile.
Iran.
The people of Iran were walking around peacefully.
Their peace was cut short when a nuke striked them.
Hours after the impact, there was lots of dead people, people with missing legs and soldiers inspecting the damage.
One of the soldiers than found a note that said "The US did this. Up yours assholes!"
Flashback ends.
Randy: What was the point in blowing up Iran?
Dexter: So the President will have his hands full. Now Randy it's either this, you leave this farm and these pictures won't go public.
Randy laughed.
Randy: Fuck you, I can just burst into your house and burn them.
Dexter: Yes you could. But wait a sec, I printed off a thousand copies and sent them to Jayman, Rickey, Rickey's wife, Rickey's maid Wanda, Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, Satan's son Damien, Piglet, the President of China, some young kid named Trent Boyett, some kid from Yardale named Gregory, Quentin Tarantino and my good friend Simon Cowell.
Flashback to Dexter giving Simon the photos.
Simon Cowell: I told you once, I'll tell you again. We are not friends.
Flashback ends.
Dexter: If I find out that you've burnt one of the thousands of pictures, then they're gonna be uploaded.
Randy stares at Dexter with anger.
Randy: You can't get away with this Dexter.
Dexter: Randy, I already have. It's either this Randy, leave or upload. Because if you kill me, Rickey will know. If you hire a hitman to kill me, Rickey will know and force you to cancel the hits placed on the rest of my allies. Your choice Marsh.
Randy stares at Dexter with anger.
Dexter: Make your mind up Marsh. I'll give you two days.
Dexter gets off his seat.
Dexter: Thanks for the Jackie D.
Randy: Who calls Jack Daniels "Jackie D's?"
One day later.
Real Marsh residence.
The Marsh family returned to their old home which wasn't even sold to anyone.
Stan, Shelly, Sparky and Sharon were happy to be home.
Whilst Randy wasn't.
Randy sat down on the couch and turned on his TV.
He saw Towelie had taken over the farm and seemed to be doing well with himself.
Randy than grabbed a can of beer and took a sip of it.