Panic
A/N: Okay, so the timing on this story might be in poor taste, but I think it might actually be something we need right now. Hope you enjoy, stay safe, please read and review.
Matt Casey opened his eyes and was met with the darkness of the living room with the lights out, and it was still the middle of the night, just like it had been for the whole past hour he'd been trying to sleep, all to no avail. He turned over and pressed his face into the back cushions of the couch, and sighed. He'd already tried this position about five times, he knew he wasn't going to get to sleep.
The apartment was quiet, it wasn't any sound that was keeping him awake, except for the ruckus racing around in his own head, that had been sitting uneasily with him for a while now, and he tried to ignore it. It was easy to tune it out on shift, on a call, there wasn't time, but at night, in the dark, and the silence, and the solitude, that's when it all came out to play, and it was keeping him up, and most nights the past couple weeks he hadn't been able to fall asleep until 3 in the morning or later than that.
Through the wall and the closed door he could hear the faint sound of Severide snoring, it figured that that guy could sleep through anything. Nothing ever bothered him.
So why should he bother Kelly just because he couldn't sleep? Was that fair to him?
Hell with it, Casey shoved his blanket aside and got up. If he couldn't sleep, why should Severide?
All the same he was quiet as he opened the door and softly padded over to the bed. He reached out and felt for Kelly and when he found the man's shoulder he jabbed him.
"Huh-hu-wha-wa-what is it?" Kelly groggily asked as he woke up. Casey heard more than saw the sheets rustling as Kelly rolled over onto his back to see him. "What's going on, Casey? What time is it?"
"I need to talk to you," Casey said simply, trying to keep his voice calm, trying not to let on how tense he was feeling.
Kelly flopped his head back against the pillow and dryly asked, "You're not going to tell me you're pregnant, are you?"
"Kelly, please, this is serious."
Severide looked at him for a minute and sighed, then moved over and pulled the covers back, "Okay, climb in."
Casey crawled on the bed and pulled the covers up and felt the soft pillows under his head.
Kelly looked at Casey through one eye and tiredly snapped, "I'm not hearing anything."
"Sorry," Casey replied, "It's hard to talk about, it's personal."
Kelly's one eye glared at him and he dryly repeated, "You're not gonna tell me you're pregnant, are you?"
"Can I tell you the truth?" Casey asked.
"It would be nice," Kelly was struggling to remain civil, wondering what the hell was going on.
"Um..." Casey pulled the covers tighter and asked Kelly, "How do you know if you're having a panic attack?"
"I'd know, right?" Kelly dryly asked. "What's going on, Casey?"
"I think I am," Matt answered hesitantly.
Kelly turned his head and looked at him, "What do you mean?"
"I...I don't know how to describe it," Casey said, "I just feel...just feels like everything's closing in on me."
"Everything what?" Kelly asked.
"Everything that's going on," Casey said, "We're at risk for exposure every single time we go out on a call, have you thought about what happens if we get sick? The hospitals are overflowing as it is and there's not enough beds, equipment, medicine or doctors to tend to everybody now, what if we're next? It already feels like this has been going on for years, not weeks. Everywhere we go, everything is closed down, nobody's going anywhere. It feels like it's never going to end, and what if it doesn't?"
Kelly reached over and placed a hand on Matt's wrist, "Hey, I know it's scary right now, everybody's scared, it's impossible not to be, but you can't think about it like that. We're taking all the precautions we can, we're healthy, we're strong...there will be an end in sight, we just can't see it yet."
Casey's breaths were getting raspy and he told Severide, "Kelly, every time I start thinking about this, I can't breathe."
"That sounds like a panic attack alright," Kelly said. He slipped an arm under Casey's back and forced the captain to turn towards him, "Come here, I got you, it's okay, you're okay, just take a deep breath, try to calm down."
Casey sucked in and let go of several heavy breaths and told Kelly, "I have tried so hard not to think about this and every night, it all comes crashing down on me and I can't sleep. Please-"
Kelly felt a hand gripping his arm and it shocked him but he didn't physically respond to it.
"Please," Casey said quietly, "Can I just stay here with you tonight?"
Kelly felt something in his stomach melt and his eyes sting when he heard those words, and just how desperate they sounded.
"Of course you can," he assured Matt as he pulled the covers up on both of them and put his arms around Casey's back, "Just close your eyes and take it easy, it's going to be okay."
"I wish I could believe that," Casey said as he rested his head on Severide's chest.
"Have I ever lied to you before?" Kelly asked.
Casey thought about it. "Well...no..."
"Would I start now? Just go to sleep," Kelly told him.
He listened to Matt's distressed breathing and listened as it slowly wore out to a normal breathing pattern, and after a while he heard the soft rhythmic breaths of a man who was asleep. Content with this, Kelly closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep himself.
Kelly woke up early the next morning and found Casey in the middle of the bed with his face buried in the pillows. The blonde man didn't even respond to the mattress shifting under Kelly's weight as he got up. He looked at his roommate buried under the blankets in a dead sleep, and he shook his head.
It was impossible not to be a little paranoid these days, it was on everybody's minds, a lot more so than they were willing to let on or even discuss with each other on the job, but Kelly still had no idea it was weighing on Casey's mind as much as this.