Declaimer: I do not own anything from the books or movies about Harry Potter. Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling. It's just fun, nothing more.
It's a short parody. An oneshot about Hermione and Severus. You know that sometimes fan fiction is far from canon, far from logical solutions. And so it happens here. I have no intention to hurt anyone's fillings. I love that particular pairing and in my early years of writing I did some crap too. It's for fun only.
I'm not a native speaker, nor a qualified translator.
Excuse me for all possible mistakes. It was my very first time with translation from Polish into English.
It took me a few days to do this for You.
At some points I thought that I wouldn't manage. But eventually I did it, all the way through. Am I proud of myself? Yes I am. Did I do a good job? It's all Yours to tell me. Please, review, because it is most important to me to know where I made mistakes and how many they are. I will look for a beta reader, but firstly I just want to get some experience with doing the whole thing by myself.
WARNING Some adult themes inside, but nothing really serious. All is made as a parody.
To Shag Severus Snape
Hermione Granger woke up one beautiful morning in her bedroom, settled in the Gryffindor Tower, and realised that she feels nothing else, but unstoppable need to shag professor Snape. She was pretty puzzled, nevertheless after a brief analysis of all possible pros and cons of this offbeat concept, Hermione decided that the weird idea needs to be instantly and irrevocably forgotten. She endured in her statement only until the lunch. All along through her breakfast and first four classes she have been stubbornly visualising in turns: worst features of Severus Snape and the most loathsome of his magical ingredients, still being naive in hope, that she is capable of successfully conditioning herself against Potions Master. Unfortunately, just when time for lunch has come, her elaborate plan got ruined by the courtesy of Cutest-Ever-Booty-Of-The-Dungeon-Bat.
Severus Snape entered the Great Hall; having casted a horrified glance at Hermione, he thrillingly floated towards the main table in the mixture of cat like moves and flutters of a bat.
"Mhrr" ─ seventeen year old Gryffindor murmured to herself. How couldn't she realize that before? Why haven't she seen the way the black robes of Potions Master fit tightly to his lovely butt?
"Ahh How wonderful would it feel to finally cast the unslacksing spell*..."
"Maybe that's because, all of the sudden, I bulked up this very morning," he said to himself silently, just after he read the girls mind. He could do this so easily thanks to his unbelievably wonderful gift in Legilimency. He was a bit confused, but at the same time also very flattered by the idea of someone thinking about him in that particular way.
Meanwhile, Hermione was busy munching on her meal and figuring an Exceptionally-Brilliant-Plan of gaining the access to desired butt cheeks of Severus Snape.
"Severus," she repeated to herself with delight. Abruptly the name of her sarcastic professor appeared to her as so damn sexy.
She barely resisted the temptation to simply jump on the table and shout his name for everyone in the Great Hall to hear. Abruptly Hermione has came up with an idea.
She run out and went strait into her private chamber. What happened next was strangely similar to a hurricane. Hermione marauded all over her beedroom until she found all that she needed. In her desire and temptation she turned the room inside out.
Eventually the girl stopped, leaving the mess behind her.
"Amortentia!" She shouted jumping around the chamber like an insane. Hurriedly Hermione got to work. She didn't even cared about all the afternoon classes she missed to brew the potion properly. Her friends and all the professors, for some mysterious reason, haven't ever noticed her absence.
Immediately after she had finished her elixir, Hermione dashed into the Entrance Hall and wandered to and fro. It was not long before supper and the Hall fas full of students, but her strange behaviour apparently haven't seemed suspicious to anyone.
There was no time to rethinking the consequences of the choices she made! She had to act precisely if she wanted to reach her goal: somehow give the elixir to Severus Snape, take him to a quiet place and finally shout: take off your panties!
One last thing she haven't been able to figure out yet, was the process of inserting Amortentia into Potions Master's mouth. She had to do it secretly, with caution.
In that point Hermione started to panic.
"No. No she couldn't do that. He was so much older. And among other things he was her PROFESSOR. What Dumbledore would say about it? Harry would have killed her (if he'd ever noticed anything of course). For dotted pants of Merlin, no! Why she had to be the one with such messed up love life?"
As if someone heard her silent prayers, Fred and George appeared out of nowhere in the Entrance Hall. They weren't really what she wanted, but maybe they were exactly what she needed?
"Fred and George?" She asked rooted to the spot. 'What are you guys doing here?' I mean, you two have already graduated and so on…
"Yes, we are here,"the twins chorused in reply. "In our first and second person, plural. Somehow we've been put to stay put with all you, puts! We have nothing smarter to do than our stupid pranks, and there is no better place to play tricks than Hogwart!"
"Well, I guess you're right..."
"Do you need something 'Mione?"
"Well, as you are asking… Could you just take this thing away from me? I'll own you…" she pleaded, showing the boys a small bottle with the love elixir inside.
"Ouuuuuu, what is that?" twins asked in unison.
"Is it dangerous?" Fred wanted to know.
"Are you aware what it is?" inquired George.
Both of them were washing their hands in invisible soap.
"I… do-don't know. Yes. And no." Hermione was doing her best to answer all the questions.
"Eeeekh," twins didn't followed.
"I don't know what it is," girl clarified, her cheeks blushed in such deep shade of red, that even a blind guy could smell that something was really wrong in here. "But it is dangerous indeed, so you must promise me to be careful."
"OK..." George eyed closely the minty coloured liquid. "Is it Amortentia, isn't it?"
"Are you kidding me?!" Hermione's face showed nothing but bourgeois outrage and her voice became so high-pitched, that the glass of Fred's watch covered with the fine net of cracks.
"Hmmm, well than… That do you thing, George? Shall we keep it?" Fred asked.
"Well, I don't know, brother. Let me think…" George started to muse upon the idea. "Hermione says it's dangerous, so maybe we should do a favour to the magic society and take care of the problem.
"Just be careful, you two" the young witch waged her finger at the Weasleys.
"Of course we will be careful" they answered together, correcting themselves just when she was out of earshot:
"Of course we will be careful as we use it."
Weasleys looked at each other with delight.
"It really looks like Amortentia to me, but since our bookworm is positive it is not, I won't argue." George said with his eyebrow high. "I'm sure she doesn't hide anything from us."
After a brief discussion the twins decided to pour the mysterious elixir into the punch on the main table where all the teachers used to eat their meals. Giggling all the way through, Weasleys crawled across the Great Hall hidden under the long tables of House Griffindor and House Hufflepuff. It was not until they reached their target when they eventually realised that the Hall was still empty and all the conspiracy completely needless.
Taking advantage of the situation, Fred tilted the bottle above the vase full of punch. Than both of them simply run away.
Albus Dumbledore poured Minerva and himself some punch.
"Why don't you have a drink, Severus?" He asked this question a countless times in his carrier.
"No", was the whole, short but still calm answer that came from Snape's tightened mouth.
Every single day, with nerve-racking punctuality of a fanatic, director would ask him the same questions over and over again. Potions Master even made himself a schedule and hang it above his bed. He learned it whole by heart, for he liked to be well prepared.
8 am (breakfast) "How was your sleep, Severus?"
"Normal. In the bed. On my back."
8:02 am (still breakfast) "Have you seen one of my lemon drops lately?"
"No."
8:15 am (as aforesaid) 'Would you hand me some beacon please?' 'You can not eat beacon, you old, dump dolt, don't you remember what Mrs Pomfrey told you?'
8:20 am (ditto) "Why are you so tight-lip, Severus?"
"Because I'm eating. As all sane people would do in the time of breakfast."
about 9:30 – 9:45 am (in passing, on the corridor at my way on first classes) "Where are you going in such rush, Severus?"
"!?#$%^"
12:30 pm (lunch) "How do you find young people of this year, Severus?"
"Fools, gawks, dolts, morons and mental prats. Enough? Or maybe I didn't speak myself clearly?"
12:31 pm (still lunch) 'Are you not hungry?' "I will be, I bet you, if only you shut up, Albus."
12:43 pm (somewhere between one bite of a chicken and another) "What are your predictions in the matter of tomorrow's weather Severus? Would it be good for Fawkes to take a flight?"
"Die, finally, in the name of Merlin. You've lived enough…"
6 pm (supper) "Why don't you have a drink Severus?"
"A little cup of punch can't hurt so much.' "No."
6:01 pm (supper) "I don't understand your stubbornness, Severus, my boy. Maybe you change your mind and drink just a little bit? Just a sip..."
"No, you old, senile, drops-guzzling…"
7:15 pm (during detentions, opening the door to MY study) "Whom are you torturing again, Severus?"
7:55 pm (shortly after the detentions) "Maybe I could come for a cup of tea?"
"Have you just mistaken me for Hagrid? And no, I won't let you pet my Fang."
8:15 pm(at the door of MY bathroom)"Would you mind some lemon drop, Severus?"
"Are you really still here?!"
9:30 pm (stepping out of MY fireplace) "I've found it! Do you know what I've found Severus?"
"Your yesterday's briefs? Unbelievable, Albus. My sincere congratulations!"
10:50 pm (standing beside MY bed) 'Are you asleep Severus?'
3 am (Floo Network) "Severus, have you seen my glasses?"
"No. Ask the Dark Lord himself. Go to sleep."
4:18 am (again in the fireplace) "Could you bring me something for my sleep, Severus?"
"No, I couldn't. Because I've already did it."
4:19 am (ditto) "Is that so? Really? You're irreplaceable Severus!"
"..."
5:05 am (…) "Snape, where the heck are my briefs?"
He swore silently. As for the schedule, Severus Snape realized it was 6:01 pm and time for another stupid question about the punch. He kept in mind, that there was only nine more to go before everything starts all over again.
"Severus, how do you rate my chances of taking Miss Granger on a date?"
Snape nearly spat himself with the chicken.
"I beg your pardon?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"And what about me" Apparently Minerva wanted to join.
Hagrid looked at his two collogues over his enormous cup.
"Well than, we'll hafe to sher somehow… becose, well... ekhk" He ended his speech with a groan mixed with nasty hiccup.
"Who was such retarded, wretched, piece of shi… rtless dolt and poured Amortentia into punch?" Snape hissed in his thoughts. "Who could it possibly be?"
A moment later, after reconsidering all today's events, Snape forcefully hit his forehead with open palm. The rich sound of splat carried all across the Great Hall. And just a few seconds later...
"Wooow, look," a Ravenclaw boy raised his voice, "Professor Snape is performing a facepalm!"
Not regarding to all the negative pedagogical consequences of his behaviour, Snape for the first time in his life as Potions Master turned the deaf ear on the boy's silly chatter. In that very moment, he had something more important on his mind.
Granger. That wretched witch. It must have been her. He used Legilimency on her this morning. Hadn't she made, in the confidence of her mind, some observations about his handsome look? Let the Merlin hump her, had all of Granger's sanity just evaporated? He was going to have a serious conversation about this incident with the stupid witch.
He stood up and hurriedly budged to the Griffindor table.
"After me, Miss Granger," he said through clanged teeth. He new that they will have to talk. And that talk won't be anything but pain in his ass. Teenage girls, when infatuated in their professor, were twice as unbearable as the normal ones. Not that he new much about it… But he could imagine. And besides, all he read a lot of books. Harlequins too, only those for man of course. Accompanied by the voices of other professors ("Severus, don't be such a cheapskate!", "Severus, you bastard!", "Mr Proffsor wait for mi! I only hafe to bring Fang with mi.") he led the girl out of Great Hall and dragged her along to dungeons.
Well, OK. Dragged was not the right word, especially thinking about HIM dragging HER. Actually Hermione was the one who tagged. She hold Snape hard by his hand and was heading down to dungeons of Hogwarts.
"I can't already wait" she babbled with enthusiasm.
He closed her mouth with his hand.
"Can't you just shut up, you idiot?"
"You like it hard" the girl mumbled against his palm smiling bluntly when she took the hand off her face.
"Yes… wait, what? What did you just say? No, I don't want it, either the soft or the hard way, Granger. I have no such interest in you."
He let her into his rooms.
"Than way are we in your personal bedroom, professor Snape?"
"Nonsense..."
He looked around and horrified he realized that the girl was right. They were in his damn bedroom. He swore in his mind.
Before he had time to react, young Griffindor set herself on Potions Master and in a blink of the eye it was done.
"Ohh, Severus I love you sooo much" she whispered to his ear, when they were already laying next to each other, their arms and legs tangled ( obligatorily breathless and soaking with sweat after many waves of orgasms).
"Granger, are you aware that sex is not always about love?"
"No?" The face of Griffindor girl friezed in expression of a pure shock.
"No", Severus said.
"But it might be a wonderful beginning, don't you think? I don't know what possessed me to behave like that… It all seams that my life have been in the rule of a strange individual gifted with a weird imagination."
"Have someone particular on your mind? Miss Granger?"
"I don't know yet, maybe some sort of force majeure, a person writing down the history of our world..."
"Whoever or whatever it is, must be a terrible creep to come up with something like this. Do you know what I think? It is the ill atmosphere of House Gryffindor what ruined your brain, Miss Granger."
"You think so? What I figure now is that we better should shag until Hagrid and his Fang are not yet to come by."
"That's also true," murmured Snape. He hardly had desire in being canonical at all.
And they did as they intended, living happily ever after.
The End.