This is just a quick two shot because during this time, I have nothing to do but write and read fanfic. Everyone, please take care of yourselves and please practice social distancing. Take the time to read more fanfics or write and share those stories with the rest of us. Just be safe out there and we'll get through it.
Part I
Sometimes Jay wonders what fate really is. Whenever he needed to go to that place— the place where he can just get lost in his thoughts to distract himself from the pain and the grind of the Ranger training— Jay would think about just what fate is. For a person that needs to be in control, the idea of having things already predetermined and out of his control scares the shit out of him. So he tries not to believe that such a concept exists. But Severide is adamant that fate is the reason why they are here together.
After all, how does one explain how a Chicago Intelligence detective and a Chicago firefighter who had never managed to run into each other in the city somehow ended up together in Afghanistan out of all places.
"I'm telling you the smell was the worst part. Me and Casey almost choked to death but what can we do right? The guy was 80. He could barely wipe his own ass!"
It was a way for the group of men to pass the time. In between training and missions, it's nice to just sit around and shoot shit with the guys and talk about the lives they had back home. It's kind of less lonely that way. More normal. Jay can almost pretend that he's in a bar somewhere back home, tossing back a cold one with his friends, just talking about the day and the shit that he has seen being a cop.
"Man, Am I glad that I'm not a firefighter," Jay ribs his friend, Severide scoffs and rolls his eyes in response.
"Please, don't tell me Intelligence unit is all glitz and glamour. I've heard stories about your unit. I think I'd rather carry a 80 year old man who hadn't showered in months over a day with your Sergeant," Severide fights back. Jay could only shake his head, knowing that Severide does have a point.
"Dope, pimps and prostitutes. What's not to love right?" Jay jokes. "Nah, seriously though. After my first tour, I thought I was done with this. But it turns out the streets of Chicago were just like another tour, only it was in our backyard." Severide nods, understanding where Jay is coming from. After all, they are almost one and the same. Both men in their 30's, on their second tour in Afghanistan, both Rangers and first responders. It is almost a wonder that they have somehow never crossed paths back home. But their shared commonalities have led the two men to become close. Severide is a new addition to their unit, one that Jay is in charge of. Even though he's new, he blends in seamlessly with Mouse, Hollingsworth and the other rattag group of guys. As far as Jay is concerned, more trustworthy and dependable guys watching each other's backs in the grueling and unforgiving desert of Kandahar, the better and Severide is as good of a man as they come.
"I just gotta remind myself that everything I'm doing, everything I'm sacrificing, it's worth it." Jay raises his flask, toasting to that. Severide looks at his watch, his face brightening when he sees the time. "Gotta go man, it's time to skype with my girl."
The men jeer, jealous that Severide has a girl waiting for him back home while they don't. Although if you ask Jay, it's better this way. He's single and that's how he prefers it, especially since he doesn't know if he'll live to see tomorrow. He's used to his life tethering between life and death, tomorrow never being guaranteed and he doesn't think it's fair to have someone he loves wait in limbo while he's overseas, fighting for his country.
But he could see why Severide begs to differ. Jay had gotten a glimpse of Severide's girlfriend a few times. The brunette is a beauty for sure, even from her pictures alone. Maybe if Jay had run into her at a bar at home and she was single, she was just the type Jay would've gone for.
"I wish I had a girl to skype with," Mouse whines, the pangs of loneliness hitting them in the dead of the night.
"Don't worry Mouse, I have just the girl for you back home," Hollingsworth offers. "She's my cousin. Real hot, you'll like her. You don't mind if she doesn't have her real teeth right?"
The men laugh while Mouse's excited face turns sour. "Fuck you man." He looks to his best friend for back-up, sending a pleading look to Jay for a retort.
"Hey I'm still stuck on the fact that you just called your cousin hot, Hollingsworth," Jay shrugs. "Roll tide indeed huh?"
"Shut up!" Hollingsworth throws his dirty boots at Jay who expertly dodges it, laughters on his face. "Fuck you man. You're the leader. You're not supposed to play favorites."
"I can't help it if Halstead loves me best." Mouse gives the group a beaming and smug smile. Jay just fondly shakes his head.
"I love all my children the same," Jay says, like he's the parent in charge of these unruly kids. But Jay knows he wouldn't trade anyone else to watch his back.
"Good morning!" Severide enters the bunk with a beaming smile, the rest of the unit watching him warily as he practically floats around the different bunks.
"What the fuck has gotten in you? Did you hit your head on your way here?" Hollingsworth grunts, never one to mince his words.
"I'm happy!" Severide replies, going to Hollingsworth to pinch his cheeks. "I'm so fucking happy!"
"What? Did you knock up your girl or something?" Mouse says offhandedly, all of them turning to look at Severide when he doesn't deny it. "Wait you did?"
"Erin's pregnant!" Severide announces to the group, the happiest of happy smiles on his face. Jay has never seen the guy this happy before, so giddy he looks like a kid in a candy store at Disneyland. "She's just about two months along! I'm gonna be a dad!"
Cheers of congratulations fill the small barrack while Hollingsworth just mutters "another freaking holiday leave baby!" under his breath.
Jay holds his hand out, Severide shaking it with the enthusiasm of a guy who just received the best news of his life. "Congrats man. I'm really happy for you." Severide pulls Jay into a hug, the two of them sharing a moment.
Later when it's just the two of them as they sit outside under the harsh sun, Kelly turns to Jay. The happiness is still evident on his face but only now it's accompanied by a hint of fear.
"What?" Jay asks, knowing that the other man has something he wants to say.
Severide shrugs, thinking over his words. "I'm just thinking."
"About Erin and your baby?"
"Yeah," Severide sighs. "Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that we're going to have a baby. I am. I just wish I could be there for everything you know? All the appointments, the birthing classes, the labor. Who knows how long the tour is going to last or what kind of mission we're gonna be on. I don't want to miss anything. You know what I mean?"
Jay doesn't. After all, he has never been in this position before. When he left for his first tour, he had broken up his relationship with his high school sweetheart, Ally. And Ally was his one and only serious relationship. But he nods just the same, knowing that Severide just needs a sympathetic ear to talk to.
"Sure," Jay replies.
"I feel like I'm already missing so much. Erin taking the test, finding out that she's pregnant. The first doctor appointment. The thought of missing more…"
"You can't think like that!" Jay cuts him off, putting his hand on Severide's shoulders. "You'll be there as much as you can."
"Yeah but you know just as I do that nothing's guaranteed for us. I don't want Erin to go through this pregnancy by herself and raise the baby by herself."
"And she won't," Jay reassures Severide, wondering why his friend is being so morbid. Usually that's Jay's job, the fireman is usually more optimistic. But Jay guesses the sudden news is playing an effect on his friend. "She has family and friends back home right? They'll be there for her."
"She doesn't really." Jay's head turns at that. "She doesn't really have family. Grew up rough. That's why the idea of us starting a family sounds like a dream come true to us." Severide directs his gaze down before meeting Jay's eyes. "I was going to propose on my leave." Jay raises his eyebrows at that. Usually most of the men are already married by the time they get to the base or wait until after. There's not much point in being engaged in the middle of deployment.
"Why didn't you? Afraid she'll say no?" Jay teases but the expression on Kelly's face tells him he's not too far off from the mark.
"Erin, she's tough and can be closed off. Don't get me wrong. I love the girl to death but she's not exactly the 2.5 kids with white picket fence type. I know she's already freaking out by herself about the baby. She just doesn't want me to see it. I just want her to be happy you know? That's all I want for her."
Jay pauses for a bit, wondering what he can say to comfort his friend. In all honesty, he understands Erin's point of view, shares her thoughts and opinions. That dream of a perfect American family with the perfect kids in a perfect house hasn't existed, even back in the 1950s. People back then were just better at hiding things. But Jay knows his cynicism isn't what Kelly needs right now.
"Hey," he calls, getting Severide's attention. "That's all the more reason for you to stay alive right? Live to see another day? So you can go home and be there for your family." Severide smiles, squeezing Jay's shoulder. A silent thank you.
"Let's hope so brother." Severide shows his wide smile. That would be the last time Jay would see the smile from Severide.
It's hard to orient himself at first. He smells the smoke first and foremost, his eyes blurry from having just woken up. The burning smell is so strong and it goes straight up his nose that Jay starts coughing, unable to get a full breath in. Then his vision clears and he sees the chaos. He can barely hear his men screaming at the top of their lungs, the noises of the loud bombs and heavy gunfire overpowering the humans' screams. Jay jolts up out of his bed, shouting orders to his men, screaming as loud as he could that they are under attack in the dead of the night.
"Get to the guns!" he orders, as he tries to dodge the rapid bullets that come barreling through the barrack. He pulls Mouse out of his bunk and to the ground just in time before the latter becomes a target practice. The two crawl on the floor together til they see the exit and they can make a run to their weapons. Jay waits and directs until all of his men are out of the barrack and safe, pulling a few out of harm's way before directing to get running to get to their machine guns.
Jay gets to the M242 bushmaster and fires at will in the direction of the enemy. It's an ambush and Jay knows he and his men just have minutes to fight for their lives. He continues firing, the machine gun shooting off hundreds of rounds a minute. Out of his periphery, he sees the rest of his men doing the same, some with the other M242 they have at base, others with their own M4 rifles. He sees Mouse on his grenade launcher and firing, shouts of the enemies roar through the dark night as they get hit. It's carnage and tons of blood is being shed and Jay knows he needs to keep fighting to make sure the blood isn't theirs.
He hears the blackhawk over his head and for a second, he feels relief that backup is coming. He refocuses on the fight on the ground and sees Severide a few feet from the barrack, attending to Hollingsworth and both of them are completely uncovered. Jay jumps off the bushmaster and runs over.
"He's bleeding out!" Severide tells him as soon as Jay reaches them, a frantic look in his eyes as he tries to stop the bleeding from Hollingsworth's neck. "I can't stop the blood!"
Jay assesses the injury quickly. Hollingsworth is getting paler by the second and is literally bleeding out on the sand. He is gasping for breath while bullets are flying over their heads. Jay takes off his fatigue and presses it into the wound. "Press!" he instructs Severide. "We can't move him or he'll bleed out. I have to get to the combat gauze!" Jay shouts so he can be heard over the gunfire and bombs.
"Wait Halstead! I know where it is! You do this!" Severide grabs Jay's hands and pushes it on the wound while he stands up. "I'll be back!" Severide runs to the medical barrack without looking back. Jay focuses his attention on Hollingsworth who is shaking now, from the blood loss and the cold desert night.
"Hold on Hollingsworth!" Jay pleads desperately, knowing that it's not looking good for his friend. He has lost too much blood that Jay isn't sure even the white clay and the gauze Severide is getting would help. Hollingsworth needs medical help. Stat.
Jay looks up to see where Severide is at, spotting him just reaching the entrance of the barrack and dodging down to avoid the bullets.
"Mouse!" Jay calls his friend over. "Here, take this over!" Jay barely waits until Mouse comes and does as instructed before Jay's running after Severide, who's pretty much unprotected. Halfway there, Jay hears the whizzing sound of a grenade flying over and sees it drop into the barrack Severide had just entered.
"Severide! Get the fuck out of there now!" Jay shouts as he speeds up, trying to get there in time. "Severide!"
But as much as Jay screams and shouts, his attempts are futile and just before he's about to reach the barrack so he can pull Severide out, the grenade explodes, sending Jay flying back and Jay hits the ground. Hard.
The last thing Jay sees before everything goes black is the barrack in flames, Severide inside being burned along with it.
The white walls are the first thing Jay sees when he comes to. He blinks his eyes rapidly several times, trying to get adjusted to the harsh lights and the stark walls. The surrounding tells him that he's in the hospital and for a second, he doesn't know why he's here. Then it comes rushing back.
The night ambush. Hollingsworth on the ground, bleeding out. Severide. The grenade.
Jay squeezes his eyes shut, as if by doing so he can be back in his barracks with the guys. All of them. But his attempt is useless and he's stuck in his nightmare. He tries to speak but all that comes out is a low guttural grunt. His throat feels like it's on fire— dry and burning just like the desert.
"Hey, you're awake!" He hears the familiar voice and he tries to turn his head so he can see. Mouse comes into his eyesight, a small hesitant smile on his face as he looks down at Jay in bed.
Jay tries to grunt some more, asking for water. Mouse finally realizes what his friend needs and brings a cup to his mouth. Jay sips on the water, letting the liquid soothe his throat. It's a much welcomed feeling.
"What happened?" Jay asks after Mouse leans him back onto the bed.
"Um, what do you remember?"
Jay thinks it over. "We were attacked at night. Hollingsworth? Severide?" Jay braces himself for the answer when he sees Mouse's face drops. He thinks he knows the answer that's coming yet he braces for it all the same.
"Umm, Hollingsworth is in ICU right now. He was airlifted back home and he's in a coma. Doctor says he's going to be okay. A long recovery but the lucky bastard is going to be fine."
"And Severide?" Jay swallows when he sees the apologetic expression on Mouse's face.
"I'm sorry man," his friend offers. "But he's killed in action." Jay squeezes his eyes shut, letting the words settle inside his brain. Severide is dead and all Jay feels is guilt and sorrow.
"It's my fault," Jay chokes out. "I should've been the one that should've gone for the gauze. It should've been me."
"Hey! It's not!" Mouse immediately objects, grabbing Jay's arms. "Do you realize how many lives you saved that night? You got everyone out of the barracks and you did what you had to do. Jay, you were hit by the grenade too. You've been out for 2 weeks. You nearly died too man."
"It still should've been me inside," Jay repeated. He should've been the one in the medical barrack, not Kelly. If he was then Severide would still be here. Living to see another day, to see his baby being born. And now his friend would never get the chance. "It should've been me." Jay feels the tears gathering in his eyes, the guilt is so overwhelming that his chest hurts. He's unable to contain his feelings inside and it comes pouring out, Jay sobbing in his bed as he weeps for his fallen friend and the loved ones he left behind.
After a week more in the hospital, Jay gets honorably discharged and a medal shoved in his hands for bravery and heroics, although he feels like anything but that.
Stepping into the Church is more difficult than he thought it was going to be. He sees the people gathering outside, firefighters and police officers in their uniforms, all here to pay respect to Kelly Severide, a fallen brother and soldier. Jay has on his dress blues with the medal around his neck and the badge pinned to his chest and he's suffocating. He feels eyes around him, men and women saluting him as if he's a hero himself. All he wants to do is yell at them to stop it. He's not a hero. No matter what the medal around his neck says, he feels nothing like a hero. All he wants to do is pay his respect to his friend, whose life he should've saved and wallows in his misery and find salvation at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
He sees her at the front of the Church and he stops immediately in his step. There she is. The woman whose face he has seen many times before, albeit only in pictures. Only this time instead of the dimples on her cheeks, it's tear tracks he sees. He tries to get a breath in but can't. The Church feels smaller by the second and the surroundings crowd him in. He knows he needs to get through the service. He has failed Severide already and he can't fail him again. This is the least he could do. He can just suck it up and get through the service like a man, pay Severide his respect.
Then Erin turns around and Jay sees her eyes. He feels like the wind is being knocked out of him when he sees the glistening tears gathered in her haunted hazel eyes, filled with so much grief and loss that he could see it from where he's standing at the back of the Church. It's too much for him and he's left running. Out of the Church, down the steps and into the nearest bar.
He dreams of her eyes for two weeks straight. No matter how much he tries to drink those haunted eyes away or no matter how much he tries to drown his guilt in nameless women, those eyes chase him— relentless and unforgiving.
He thinks of the last conversation he had with Severide under the desert sun, both unaware of what was to come that night. He remembers Severide's fears and worries about not being there for Erin and his child. Prophetic to a fault, Jay realizes now.
Jay runs the conversation over and over again in his mind and the events of the night again and again and he reaches the same conclusion everytime— it should've been him.
The next time he sees the eyes that have been haunting him is a complete coincidence. His brother, Will, had been pushing him to seek counseling as if talking about his feelings and the shit that he has seen to a complete stranger is going to make everything better. Make sleep come easier at night. Make the guilt less consuming.
But he goes to a therapist all the same, even if it's just to get Will off his back for a minute.
The couch that's meant to be comfortable and inviting in the therapist's office just feels claustrophobic. The understanding and inquiring eyes of the therapist just makes Jay feel more closed in and once again, he's left fleeing just so he can breathe.
The cold air on his lungs feels good as Jay takes in a deep breath. For the first time in weeks, Jay feels like he could actually breathe. The calm water of Lake Michigan is the exact opposite of the harsh and unforgiving desert of the Kandahar and it's just what Jay needs. He lets the breeze wash over his face, closing his eyes, feeling somewhat normal for the first time. It's nice here, he thinks to himself. He doesn't feel closed in here.
After relishing in the peaceful atmosphere until he feels like himself again, Jay turns to leave the water edge, stopping when he sees a lone figure on the bench a few feet over. Even without seeing her face, he recognizes her. Erin.
She's just sitting on the bench, a hand on her stomach, as she stares at the water. Lost in her thoughts, she looks at peace and Jay debates with himself on whether to approach her. But he recalls Severide's words in his head about how Erin is alone and doesn't have family in Chicago and that urges Jay to move.
She doesn't notice his presence, eyes still on the water, still lost in her thoughts. Jay almost hates to interrupt her but he's unable to walk away without at least saying something. So he opts for clearing his throat to get her attention.
Once again, he's struck by her eyes. This time they're filled with a little less grief but she still seems broken. Suddenly Jay has the urge to heal her, piece her back together. It's a ridiculous notion to him seeing as he's broken himself. But the sense of overprotectiveness that comes over him is strong all the same.
"Hi," he starts nervously. He licks his lips to wet them, the harsh side effect of the blowing winds. "I'm Jay Halstead." Erin just keeps looking at him, not giving him any sort of response. "I'm...I was in Severide's unit." A flash of recognition appears on her face.
"Halstead," she speaks for the first time and Jay is enthralled by her voice. It's nothing like he expects yet there's something so alluring about it. "Kelly talked about you a lot."
"Yeah? He talked about you a lot too," Jay returns. She was all Severide talked about, really. It was clear to Jay just how much he loved her. "Wouldn't shut up about you actually."
She gives him a small smile at that and he sees the hint of dimples that he has seen in her pictures before. "Yeah?"
"Oh yeah," Jay confirms, taking a seat next to her. "It's all Erin this, Erin that. It was cute actually." His eyes travel down to her hand that's on her stomach, her pregnant belly not showing yet. She follows his eyeline down. "I'm sorry for your loss."
Erin nods, her hand stroking her stomach. "Me too," she returns, Jay's eyes frowning in confusion at her words. "I know how close you two were. Kelly told me how he considered you like a brother."
Jay almost chokes up at that but he swallows it down. The last thing Erin needs is him wailing like a child while she's going through something infinitely harder than him. She's pregnant and the father of her child is dead. She's pregnant and she's all alone. The latter fact doesn't sit well with him. He feels the need to be there for her. Someway. Somehow.
He takes out his business card out of his wallet and hands it to her, Erin giving him a strange look as she holds it in her hand. "I know we just met but I'm here. If you ever need anything, no matter what time it is, call me. I mean it."
She takes the card but she gives no inclination to follow up on his offer. But he wants to make sure she knows she's not alone in this. "Please," he stresses. "Anything at all."
She finally nods and pockets his card before returning her eyes to the water again. "You were there that night?" she finally asks, after they sit there in silence for what feels like hours.
Jay feels a lump in his throat. He's unable to voice his answer so he just nods, hoping that Erin wouldn't ask him to relive that night and how he failed Severide. Thankfully, she remains silent, not pushing the subject further. He doesn't know how long they remain sitting there but it feels nice. Ever since he has gotten back home, he had wanted to be alone— pushing everyone away. But for some reason, sitting here looking out at the water with a person who's grieving more than him has been cathartic. Like they can understand each other and what they're going through without words needing to be said.
It's not as though he's expecting to hear from her. Something tells him that Erin isn't the type that would be the first to reach out or be open about her feelings so he's quite surprised when he sees an unfamiliar number across his phone.
"Hello?"
There's a moment of silence on the other end, almost as if whoever's calling him is having second thoughts. Finally the voice comes through. "Jay?"
He recognizes the voice right away, even though he has only heard it once before. It's uniquely hers and it has Jay on the edge of his seat, catching him off-guard that she's actually calling him. "Erin? Everything okay?"
"Um yeah," she replies. "Actually can...I need your help."
"Anything!" Jay immediately replies, getting up from his desk. His co-workers give him curious looks but he ignores them all in favor of her on the phone. "What do you need? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I have my OBGYN appointment and my car won't start. I had no one to call…"
"Where are you? I'll come over there," he offers, not waiting for her to finish her sentence. He memorizes her address and heads over there right away, reassuring her that he'll be there soon and to hang tight.
When he finally gets to her house, she's waiting for him out on the steps of the porch. He jumps up from his motorcycle and heads over to her.
"Thanks for coming," she tells him as soon as he reaches her. "I'm sorry if I'm bothering you but like I said I don't have anyone else to call and I don't know what's wrong with my car. It was working just fine yesterday but it's not starting now and I just…"
"Erin, it's okay," he stops her rambling. "I told you that you can call me anytime." She sighs and nods, the guilt still on her face like she's bothering him. "Let's see what's wrong with the car. Can you pop the hood?"
He inspects the usual suspects and concludes that it's her battery that needs replacing. "I can run over to the autoshop real quick on my bike and get you a new one. Then we can just replace it and you'll be good to go. What time's your appointment?"
"In an hour." Jay looks at his watch. He should have just enough time to get everything done.
"I'll take care of it. Why don't you go back inside and sit down?" He doesn't think the stress is good for her or the baby and wants her to take it easy. "Go ahead," he tells her again after Erin looks reluctant to follow his advice. "I got it."
After rushing to the Autoshop for the battery and replacing the old one for the new one, the car's working again. He looks at his watch and sees that she has just about half an hour to make her appointment. He runs up the steps to let her know that she's good to go.
"Erin?" he calls her name but no answer. He turns the doorknob and finds it open so he enters the house slowly, not wanting to spook her. "Erin?"
He finds her in the kitchen, her head bent down at the dining table, softly sobbing. He immediately rushes over to her, worried that something has happened.
"Erin!" he kneels down to get a closer look at her face. "What's wrong? What happened?"
She turns her head from him, quickly wiping away her tears. "Nothing. I'm fine." He clearly isn't buying it. He knows that pregnancy can make women hormonal but he doesn't think it's the reason for her tears right now.
"Erin. Tell me."
She sniffs, trying to suck in her tears. "It's just...I'm thinking if I can't even do this by myself, how am I going to do the rest of this by myself? I mean, I don't even know if my car needs a freaking new battery or not. I'm useless. I can't do this alone."
"Hey," he shushes her, not liking the way she's so down on herself. "You're not useless! So you're not an expert on cars. You can't be an expert on everything right? And you're not alone. I'm here."
"You're practically a stranger Jay," she says through her tears. "You can't be here for everything."
"I told you, whatever and whenever you need. I meant it," he reassures her, completely meaning his words. She sniffles some more, getting herself back under control with her emotions. "Your appointment is soon and you shouldn't miss it." He hands her a napkin from the table to wipe her tears with, Erin giving him a grateful smile in return.
"Thank you," she voices. "For being here."
He just smiles in reply. "Come on, where's your doctor's office?" She tosses him a questioning look. "I don't think you're in any state to drive right now. I'm a cop so it's practically my duty to make sure the citizens of Chicago get to their doctor appointment safely."
For the first time, he hears Erin laugh. It's a beautiful sound, he thinks to himself and he wants to hear more of it. "Jay, you've done enough for me. I've put you out enough for today. Besides, don't you have work?"
"Like I said, it's my job to protect the people and it includes you. Come on," he gestures to the car waiting outside with his head. "Let me take you." Erin thinks about his offer for a long minute then sighs, finally giving in.
"Okay fine," she leads the way only to suddenly turn back. "But you should know that I'm usually the one driving," she says, pointing her finger.
"Got it."
They ride in comfortable silence to the OBGYN office, a soft rock song playing on the radio. Erin spends the whole ride looking out the window, watching the building passing by. He can't help but wonder what she's thinking about. Whether she's comfortable with him around and if his presence is welcomed. He pulls into the parking lot and kills the engine before turning to look at her.
"I can go with you inside. I mean, not inside inside but um..I can be in the waiting room." Erin considers his offer and for a minute he expects her to turn him down but she just nods and heads out the car. He quickly follows her, snapping out of his shock that she didn't put up a fight. Something tells him that the appointment is hard enough for her without her being alone and he's just glad that he can be there.
"Erin Lindsay," the nurse calls her name and Erin stands up, Jay awkwardly following her action without much thought before sitting back down when he realizes that he's not going in with her. "Daddy doesn't want to come in?" the nurse asks, not knowing the situation.
"Ummm…" they both stammer awkwardly before Erin mutters that he's not the father. He feels the eyes of the other mothers in the waiting room on him and Erin just drops her head and follows the nurse inside to the examination room.
"Girlfriend?" the woman a few chairs away from Jay asks.
"Um no. Just a friend."
The woman gives him a strange look at his reply. "Oh. I'm sorry but I just thought…"
"It's fine," he waves her off, hoping to just end the conversation. Thankfully, the woman gets the hint that Jay isn't in a talkative mode and she goes back to reading her magazine.
After a half an hour, Erin finally comes back out, holding a small picture in her hand and a tight look on her face. He can tell from where he's sitting that the appointment has taken a lot out of her. Jay stands up and heads over to her as she makes her next appointment a few weeks away with the receptionist. Jay notices that she has reverted back to her closed off self and her hands are clenching the picture in her hand.
"Are you hungry?" Jay asks as soon as they get back to her car. "We can go get something to eat?"
Erin shakes her head, telling him that she just wants to get home. He sees her still holding onto the picture in her hand. "Can I see?" he asks, pointing to the ultrasound picture. She looks like she might refuse him but she hands him the ultrasound picture.
Jay studies the picture and he can see the outline of the fetus, cradled in her womb. "He's cute," he tells her earnestly and Erin breaks out into a smile for the first time since she came out of the exam room.
"Shut up," she says, rolling her eyes. "You can barely see anything!"
"Yeah sure," he admits. "But I can tell that he's gonna be a cute kid."
"What are you a baby whisperer or something? How do you even know that it's a boy? It could be a girl."
"Oh trust me, I know." She just shakes her head at him and he grins, happy that he has brightened up the atmosphere in the car. "So food?"
"A burger sounds good," Erin says, leaning her head back on the headrest.
"Burgers it is!"
He finds that his thoughts drift off to Erin. She has been on his mind ever since he saw her in Church and she has been frequenting his thoughts more and more since the appointment. He wonders how she's doing or if she's taking care of herself. From what Severide has told him about her, she's independent to the max and works downtown in advertisements so he knows that she makes enough money for herself. Not to mention, she does own her own home. But it's the little things that he wonders about. He knows that he's struggling because he lost his friend. He can't even imagine how it'd feel to lose a partner, especially when she's carrying his child.
He wants to reach out to her and check up on her but he is reluctant to, worried that she might not appreciate him in her business. So he waits for her to reach out to him first. He's on his way back from questioning a witness with Adam when the latter spots something outside the car.
"Man that pregnant woman must have a death wish or something. It's 3 in the morning and she's out here by herself on the streets. Can you believe that?"
Jay takes his eyes off the road for a second to see what Adam's talking about and as soon as he sees the familiar outline of the woman Adam had pointed out, Jay steps on the brakes, the car coming to a grinding stop.
"What the fuck!" Adam shouts, stopping himself just in time before his head hits the dashboard. "What the fuck Halstead?"
Jay doesn't bother answering Adam, taking off his seat belt. "Here, take the car," he orders Adam as he steps out of the car and heads over to Erin who's walking all by herself in the deserted parking lot.
"What? What are you doing? Halstead?" Adam shouts after him but Jay barely glances back.
"Just take my car! I'll see you tomorrow!" Jay replies as he runs towards Erin.
"Erin!" he shouts her name but either she really doesn't hear him or she's ignoring him. "Erin!" He finally catches up to her and touches her shoulder to get her attention. Erin jumps at the sudden contact, startled. "Sorry, it's me! It's Jay!" Jay holds his hands up, letting her know that it's just him and not a stranger ready to attack a lone pregnant woman on the streets.
"Jay!" she gasps out, clutching her chest. "What the fuck? You scared the shit out of me!" He finally sees just why she didn't hear him earlier when she pulls her headphones out of her ears.
"Yeah? What are you doing? Walking out here by yourself at this time of the night?" Jay shoots back, looking at her like she lost her mind. "What are you doing out here Erin?"
She's still trying to catch her breath and Jay immediately feels bad for scaring her. But in all honesty, she scared him too. It's such a colossally bad idea for her to be out here alone at three in the morning where anyone can just attack her.
"My car's right there!" She points to her car that's parked a few feet away but it still doesn't explain why she's out alone. "I got a craving okay?" She finally tells him, her face blushing like she's embarrassed. Jay finally takes in the surrounding and finally sees the 24 hour market behind him. "Yeah," Erin continues, following his eyesight. "I couldn't sleep. The baby wouldn't let me because I suddenly got cravings for pickles and ice-cream.."
"So you're here," Jay finishes for her. "Erin, it's still dangerous for you to be out here alone at night. What if it wasn't me right now? What if it was someone else."
"Hey you try being pregnant and unable to stop the stupid cravings!" Erin almost pouts and Jay just melts at the expression, the frustration and worry he had earlier blowing away with the wind.
"Then you call me and ask me to get whatever you're craving for you."
Erin tilts her head and looks at him like he's crazy. "Jay, I can't call you at 3 in the morning so you can get me pickles and ice-cream. That's not your job."
"You can!" Jay argues. "I didn't say it's my job, did I? I'm offering."
"But what if you had been sleeping? Or with someone? I can't ask you to be at my beck and call."
He places his hands on her shoulders so she's looking at him. "I don't care what I'm doing or who I'm with. I'm serious Erin. Call me next time. I don't care if you just want more pickles at 3 in the morning or you want a whole pizza. I don't want you out here alone and put you and your baby at risk."
His last statement hits her and her face crumbles. "Yeah you're right. I don't know what I was thinking, putting the baby at risk like this. I'm so stupid," she mumbles, dropping her head down, chatising herself. Jay wants to kick himself for making her feel bad.
"Hey!" Jay lifts her chin up with his finger. "You're not stupid. You're…...pregnant and you have a lot of hormones going crazy inside your body right now. It's okay." He wants to take away the look of self-loathing Erin has on her face. He knows he had been too harsh on her earlier but it's just because unexpectedly seeing her alone had scared him. But now that he has calmed down, he wants to focus on being there for her. "Come on, let's go get the pickles and ice-cream."
He knows she's still chiding herself for not thinking clearly so he puts his arm around her shoulder and leads her inside the market to get her cravings satisfied. He tries not to look disgusted as she opens the jar of pickles right there in the aisle and dips one into a carton of ice-cream, munching on it right away. He has heard of weird pregnancy cravings before but seeing how a craving can consume a person is eye-opening.
"Want some?" she asks him, holding out the pickle jar. Jay just shakes his head and pushes it back towards her.
"That's all you." Erin stares at him for a quick second before she shrugs and goes back to eating her strange combination of food. Jay can't help but laugh at the look of happiness that is on her face as he follows her down the empty aisle of the market, Erin holding a pickle in one hand and ice-cream in the other while Jay is holding onto the pickle jar for her.
Jay figures Erin's not the first pregnant woman with a weird craving in the middle of the night when the cashier doesn't even blink at the strange sight but gives Jay reassuring words of how he's been there with his own wife and to enjoy the time while he can before the baby comes and takes over their lives. Jay tries to awkwardly explain how he's not the father but he just gives up, figuring that the cashier probably doesn't care about the whole story. Especially at 3 in the morning.
Jay doesn't wait for Erin to reach out to him, knowing that she probably won't. So he takes the initiative and shows up at her door with jars of pickles and cartons of ice-cream. She would've refused the food but he makes the argument of who else but Erin would need this much pickles and ice-cream and if she doesn't accept it, everything would just go to waste. He smiles smugly when Erin begrudgingly allows him to stock her fridge.
During his fourth visit to her house, he notices a few areas of her house that need to be fixed so he offers. Erin lives in a nice and quiet neighborhood but her house isn't exactly modern. So he spends the next few weeks nailing down a few loose boards, clearing the leaves out of her roof gutters (there's no way he's letting a four month pregnant Erin get up on the ladder) and replacing the kitchen faucet that always leaks while she tries to get him to rest and not work so hard to help her out and feeds him food. Sometimes they have dinner together— take-outs— as one time that Erin did try to cook was enough to let him know that ordering out was a better idea.
He accompanies her on walks because she tells him that if she's gorging herself with ice-cream, she has to work them off someway. So they walk along the water edge, sometimes with conversation flowing and others with a comfortable silence between them. Those are his favorite times of the day. He helps her pick out maternity clothes because her pants are getting tight but Erin hates shopping and doesn't give a damn about her clothes matching at all. But her job requires her to dress somewhat fashionably so Jay steps in just so Erin wouldn't go to work with an orange top with green pants.
"So how's work going?"
Jay's sitting across the therapist again, in another one of their useless sessions. He shrugs. "Work is work."
The therapist takes off her glasses, staring him down. "Jay, do you mind elaborating?"
He sighs, leaning forward in the chair, lacing his fingers together. "It's work. It's chasing criminals, putting them away. Pretty straightforward."
"And you've gotten recertified for your weapons right?"
"Yeah?" Jay replies, wondering what she's getting at. "Last week. I'm back on full duty."
"Have you gotten a chance to fire your weapon on duty yet?"
"Yes and I was perfectly fine," Jay grits out. "Look I know where you're going with this okay? You think I'm gonna have some type of flashback on the job and suddenly think I'm back over there. But like I told the psych evaluator and like I'm telling you now I'm fine."
"Jay you've seen some pretty horrific things in your tour and you went back to work almost immediately as soon as you got back. I'm just….concerned that you haven't given yourself enough time to process everything…."
"Because there's nothing to process!" Jay shouts, his anger mounting. "Yeah I saw terrible shit overseas but I knew what I was getting myself into. It was my second tour. I'm not some pie-eyed idealistic soldier that finally realizes what goes on overseas. I'm fine. I'm just ready to get back to my life and move on okay?"
"Jay," the therapist regards him with an understanding look and it's too much for Jay to take.
"I need to get out of here," Jay says, standing up and heading for the door. "I can't be here anymore."
He needs an escape, a way to get away from his thought so he goes to the only place he knows where he can find it. A bar. Soon enough the drinks are no longer enough to silence his thoughts so he tries to lose himself in a woman whose name he can't remember, just hoping that taking her home would be enough to distract himself.
He and this woman stumble through his apartment door, lips fused together. He backs her into the wall hard and it just thrills her more. He tries his hardest to focus on her and her hands that are traveling down to his belt. He kisses her neck almost as hard as he's pushing his thoughts away in his head. But it's not nearly enough. No matter how good her hands feel on his body, it's not nearly enough.
The buzzing on his phone interrupts the moment and Jay gives the woman a small grimace as a way of apologizing as he picks up his phone. His heart thuds when he sees Erin's name flashing across the phone, wondering if something had happened to her.
"Erin? What's going on? Are you okay?" The woman scoffs, affronted that he's answering another call by a woman while she's there but Jay couldn't find it in him to care. "Yeah of course. I'll be right over."
He hangs up and gives the woman an apologetic look, even if it's just to get her out the door as soon as possible. "I'm sorry but I have to cut this short."
She scowls as she puts her jacket back on, giving him a glare as she slams the door shut. Jay grimaces at the loud noise but brushes it off. He has more important things to do.
Fifteen minutes later, Erin's answering her door and he's outside her house with a piping hot pizza in his hand.
"Oh yes!" she groans happily as she practically snatches the pizza out of his hand. "I'm dying for this!"
He laughs at her reaction, amused at seeing this side of Erin and he follows her inside, invitation not needed. If he's nice enough to bring her a whole pizza in under fifteen minutes, the least she could do is share that pizza.
Soon enough, they're sitting in her living room, a game on the t.v but Erin's full attention is on the pizza as she wolfs down the large slice. He is mesmerized by the happy expression on her face as she closes her eyes in happiness.
"That good huh?"
"You have no idea!" she replies, her mouth full. "Trust me Jay, nothing feels as good as satisfying your pregnancy cravings."
"Too bad I'll never know." She just rolls her eyes at his joke, turning back to her pizza. He just continues to watch her with bright eyes, shaking his head fondly and hands her a napkin. He points to the corner of her lips where a string of cheese hangs and she tries to wipe it away, missing the spot completely. "Come here, you're so messy," he chides her, his tone filled with nothing but affection as he wipes away the cheese from her mouth.
He feels his throat dry when he sees her up close and he finds that it's hard to swallow. He has always thought her as beautiful but she's absolutely breathtaking up close.
"You done?" her question breaks his thoughts and he recoils back like he has been burned.
"Yeah," his voice sounds strange to him and he wonders if she could tell what he had been thinking about. But she's back to her pizza and he's relieved.
After the pizza has been finished and the game has ended, he turns to her.
"How have you been sleeping?" He worries about her and how she's doing. In the few times that he has seen her, she seems to be as skinny as ever. Even though her stomach is showing more, he'd thought that she'd gain more pregnancy weight but she hasn't.
She shrugs his question off like she always does whenever he asks about her well-being. "Fine."
"Erin," his tone this time tells her that he's not going to let her avoid the question. "Seriously."
"I'm serious Jay," she shoots back, an expert at brushing his concern off by now. "I'm okay, really."
"How about your prenatal vitamins? You taking them?"
She huffs, letting him know that she's annoyed. "Yes doctor. I'm taking my vitamins regularly. Anything else?'
"I'm sorry but I….I just worry about you."
She turns to him, staring him down. "It may come as a surprise to you Jay but I'm used to being alone and taking care of myself. Even with Kelly, he was gone overseas for most of our relationship. I'm okay."
He drops the subject then, knowing that pushing her right now isn't a good idea. "Okay but you know that…"
"You're here," she completes his sentence. "And you have no idea how much I appreciate it Jay. Really." She bites her lips and he knows that she's feeling bad about being short with him. No that he blames her. In the time that he has gotten to know Erin, he has learned that they're too alike. Private, aloof and prefers to keep things to themselves. He just watches her as she plays with her finger, looking down at her lap. She looks like she wants to tell him something so he just waits for her to open up. Patient as always.
"It's hard for me to let someone in. I guess that's not really a surprise," she laughs softly. "And losing Kelly so quickly, it just makes me want to go back into that place where I'm alone. Where I'm safer. This baby," she places her hand gently on her stomach. "This baby is the only reason why I get up everyday now. I know I have to be strong for the baby. He's all I have now."
"That's not true. You have me. Both of you." Tears begin to fall on her cheek at his sincere words and she wipes them away quickly.
Jay just can't stand by and watch idly as she cries softly. He scoots over to her and he reaches his hand up to wipe her tears away for her. She trembles slightly and that's all needed to pull her in his arms and let her fall apart while he holds her up.
He shushes her softly as she drops her head on his shoulder, his hand stroking her back softly. "It's okay, Erin. It's okay."
He doesn't remember falling asleep but when he comes to consciousness again, the sun is already out. He clears the sleep in his eyes when he notices a weight on his shoulder. He looks down and finds Erin sleeping, her head resting on his shoulder and his arm around her. She looks peaceful, her closed eyes moving back and forth in her sleep and Jay just can't help but reach up to brush her hair away. A soft smile overtakes his face at having her close and he suddenly realizes that his mind is quiet finally. Then the second realization of how he wants to kiss her right now hits him like bricks and his breath sharpens, his fingers stilling at the thought.
'Fuck!'' Jay cusses to himself and he wants to get the hell out of there. Now. Far away from Erin as possible. He can't be having these kinds of thoughts about her. Anybody but her.
"Jay?" her sleepy voice breaks his inner freak-out and he realizes that she's awake now, staring at him strangely at the look on his face. "You alright?" She shifts and sits up on the couch, away from him and Jay takes the chance to stand up, panicked.
"Yeah...yeah…" he stammers out like an idiot. "I...I got to get to work." He grabs his jacket and runs out the door, not waiting to hear Erin's reply.
He feels like shit. Like he's the most terrible human being on the planet. After all, who the hell falls for the grieving girlfriend of a friend? A pregnant girlfriend at that. Only horrible and shitty people do and today he realizes that he's one of them.
He tugs at his hair and tries his hardest to push the image of Erin away in his head. He tries not to think of her pink lips, her dimples, her eyes. Those eyes. Jay clenches his eyes shut, dropping his head on the break room table.
Ever since he ran out of her house yesterday like he was on fire, he has been avoiding her. She has called a couple of times, left him a couple of messages about how she's worried about his strange exit but he couldn't talk to her just yet. He knows he needs to get his feelings for her under control before he can face her again. His head is a mess right now and he can't focus on work. He's pretty sure his co-workers have noticed him being off and if they weren't already tip-toeing around him since he's gotten back from his tour, they sure are now. His Sergeant has been glaring at him all day, daring Jay with his eyes to get his shit in order.
"You okay kid?" Jay looks up to find Alvin entering the break room. Adam and Kevin tried to approach him earlier to see if he's alright but Jay doesn't feel comfortable telling them about Erin. But Alvin though...there's something about the big understanding eyes of the older man that makes Jay feel like he can talk to him and he wouldn't be judged. So he spills his thoughts.
"Why is she off-limits again?" Al asks him after Jay tells him the whole story.
"Because she was Severide's girlfriend. Not to mention she's five month pregnant with his child! I can't have feelings for her. It's like…."
"You'd be betraying Severide?" Jay nods, closing his eyes. "Jay, he's dead." Jay snaps his eyes open at Al's blunt statement. "You can look at me like that all you want Jay but the fact is he's gone. He's not coming back."
"So that gives me the right to swoop in on his girl? It makes it okay for me to have feelings for her?" Jay scoffs, that guilt taking over him again.
"Is she supposed to be alone for the rest of her life? Raise that baby by herself just because Severide is gone?" Al shoots back.
"No," Jay replies immediately. "No. She's...she's supposed to meet someone that loves her and loves her baby like they deserve to be loved."
"Who's to say that can't be you?"
Jay shakes his head at the notion. "It can't be me. It can't. I was Severide's friend. I can't betray him like that."
"How is it a betrayal Jay? Both of you lost him and it's tragic but life goes on. For both of you. You have to move on and if it's with each other then so be it." Al sighs, patting Jay's back. "Ask yourself this. What did Severide want the most for Erin?"
Jay thinks back to the last conversation he had with Severide back in the desert.
"He wanted her to be happy," Jay replies. "That's all he wanted for her."
"And what do you want for her?"
"The same," Jay replies right away. He doesn't need a second to think about his answer. "I want the same for her." Al nods knowingly. "It should've been me," Jay says, finally spilling out what has been on his mind for the longest time. "The person that died that night, it should've been me."
"How so?"
"I was the one that should've gone for the gauze. I was the one that was supposed to be in the barrack when the grenade hit. Instead Severide did and he lost his life. If I had gone instead of him, he'd still be here with Erin and he'd be raising their child together." There's just so much guilt still inside of Jay about that night. About losing his friend. No matter how much Jay tries to forget, he can never forgive himself for letting Severide go inside that barrack in his place. For not getting to Severide in time to pull him out. Jay knows there was something more he could've and should've done and maybe his friend would still be alive.
"Jay, there are things in life that are out of our control. Trust me, I know. What you've been through and what she has been through, it has led you both here. You can't control what you've lost in life or go back in time to change it. You can waste your time trying to fight for control, blaming yourself for things that are out of your control or you can just make peace with what happened and live your life, whatever comes your way. Feelings and all."
Jay keeps Alvin's advice in his head but it still takes him a week and a number of failed attempts to forget about his feelings for Erin with more nameless women for him to man up and reach out to Erin. He shows up at her door with a pizza in his hand— her craving as of late.
He could see that she's surprised by his appearance when she opens her door. He could only smile at her sheepishly, apology on the tip of his tongue for being a coward for the past week.
"Can I come in?" She doesn't reply with words. Instead she keeps the door open as she heads back in. Jay takes that as a cue to follow her in.
"I'm sorry," he blurts out as soon as he reaches the living room. Erin just takes a seat on the couch and crosses her arm, not giving him a response. "I'm sorry that I've been MIA this past week. It's just….I've…" He tries to think of what to say as an apology to her without telling her that he's been avoiding her because he realized that he has feelings for her and it scares the shit out of him. That he's doing everything he can and has tried his hardest to forget about her but can't because she's on his mind 24/7, no matter what.
She takes mercy on him and his failed attempt at an apology. She just sighs and loosen her stance on the couch. "It's fine Jay," she brushes his apology off. "You don't have to be sorry."
"No I do," Jay says, taking a seat next to her on the couch.
"No you don't," she corrects him. "Like I said before you're not at my beck and call Jay. You don't owe me anything so there's nothing for you to apologize for. I was just worried about you and just wanted to make sure you were fine."
Jay feels even more like shit at her words. He knows he screwed up because he has just undone all the progress he has made with Erin in getting her to trust him and depend on him. He wants to be there for her, had wanted to be there for her from the start. But now because of his own actions, she's pulling back again and protecting herself. He could kick his own ass.
"Erin, I'm really sorry," he tries again, hoping that he can get the proper words out this time. But she's quick to brush him off again.
"It's okay. Really. We're cool." She turns her body away from him, letting him know that she's done with the conversation. "Let's just eat this pizza okay?" She doesn't leave room for argument as she opens the pizza box and hands him a slice. He just takes it robotically, so many words left unsaid but she's making it clear that she's not in the mood to hear them.
They try to move on the best they could and settle back into their regular routine. But he can tell that she's keeping him at arm-length and he has no one to blame but himself. He's still trying to get over his feelings for her or at the very least, keep them to himself. So he spends the nights when he's not with her at bars, trying to pretend that it's not her eyes that he's thinking about when he's sitting across a woman, that it's not her lips he's imagining to kiss and that it's not her presence that he's craving. He tells himself that if he just tries hard enough, he can pretend that he's not hopelessly in love with her. All he has to do is keep lying to himself.
They're out at the store one day because Erin's five month pregnant, going on six and her stomach is showing more. He smiles whenever he catches a glimpse of her growing belly, knowing that it's just a few more months until they get to meet the little guy. Or girl, Erin would argue. He knows that she's putting off finding out the sex of the baby. He knows that the doctor can usually tell the gender by the 16th week from the pregnancy book that he would never admit to Erin that he read. But Erin's Erin and it's obvious that there's still a part of her that would still rather keep her head buried in sand. And finding out the sex of the baby would make everything that much more real for her.
"There should be a law that says pregnant women are only allowed to wear leggings all the time and that jeans should be banned," Erin grips as she shuffles through the rack of maternity clothes. Jay just chuckles, thinking how cute she is when she gripes. "Seriously it's criminal the way we're supposed to care about our appearance and what we wear when we spend most of the morning throwing up."
Jay's amusement turns to concern at her words. "You're still having morning sickness? Erin, morning sickness in the second trimester can increase risk for complications." She raises her eyebrows at his statement, wondering when he became an expert on pregnancy. "I mean, that's what I heard. Supposedly." She continues to study him. "I'm just saying, please take care of yourself. Make sure you're drinking a lot of water and getting a lot of rest."
"Believe me Jay, Between all the water that I'm drinking and the pregnancy bladder, I'm spending half of my life in the restroom peeing. I wouldn't be surprised if my boss fires me."
"Don't worry, I know a very good lawyer that can sue on your behalf," he jokes.
"I'll keep that in mind," she quips before turning her attention back on the rack of clothes.
While Erin's in the fitting room, trying on clothes, Jay has somehow made his way over to the baby toy aisle. He picks up the soft bunny plush and an elephant plush in his hands, a soft smile coming over his face. He drops both of the plushies in the cart. He knows that Erin hasn't done much shopping for the baby yet but these super soft plushies can be the first of what he knows will be a very large collection of dolls that the baby will have, especially if Jay has anything to say about it.
"Cute toys. They're for your collection?" Jay directs his attention to the woman standing a few feet away, a smile on her face.
"Oh, yeah," he just replies, turning his head back to the plushies to see what else he wants to buy.
"I'm Amy," the woman introduces herself, holding her hand out. Jay just shakes it,not wanting to be rude. "So you're going to be a father?"
"Ummm, no." Jay tries his hardest not to acknowledge the sadness that comes over him at that, like he's realizing for the first time that he's not the father. He's not going to be there to watch as the baby comes home, takes his first steps, speaks his first words. Maybe he'll be lucky enough to be there for some of the baby's firsts but he'll be missing out on so much and that thought squeezes his chest.
"Oh," Amy's smile gets wider at his answer. "Then maybe we can go out for drinks?"
Jay's about to turn her down when he spots Erin standing a few feet behind Amy, listening to their conversation. He's about to head to her but she stops him with her hand, telling him to continue his conversation with Amy before she quickly turns back around and leaves the aisle.
"I'm sorry Amy but I got to go," Jay mutters an apology and takes off after Erin. He catches her in a few aisles over and as soon as she feels him coming towards her, she turns around, trying to run off again.
"Erin," he calls out, stopping her by holding onto her arms. "Stop."
He feels her take a deep breath before she turns to face him. "It's okay Jay. Go back and talk to her. I didn't mean to interrupt you guys."
"You didn't."
But she just brushes him off, shaking off his hold on her. "Jay, it's fine really. Just go back and get her number or something. Accept her offer for the drink."
He exhales loudly. "I don't want to," he stresses but she's not listening to him. "Erin, I'm serious. I'm not interested in her. Really."
"Jay you don't owe me an explanation. You can do whatever you want," Erin cuts him off.
"I know but I just…."
"I'm done here," Erin interjects again, avoiding his gaze. "Let's just go." She doesn't wait for his reply and just heads to the check out without him. Jay sighs, watching the back of her as she walks away from him.
He tries to date. Really he does. But for the third time this week as he sits across the bar with a woman Adam had set him up with, he just can't seem to get into it. No matter how hard he tries. Her name is Lisa and she's pretty and funny and she's looking at him like she wants to rip his clothes off right there at the bar. And he can tell by the way she's trailing her finger across his arms that he can just take her home right now and fuck her senseless. But he doesn't want to. Because all he can in his eyes right now is the look on Erin's face earlier at the store when she caught him being hit on by that woman. She looked hurt and it killed him to see her look like that.
She had been closed off when they got back into their car earlier and he was reminded of the first time they had ridden in the car together, with Erin just choosing to keep her eyes out the windows. But instead of the comfortable silence that existed between them even back then, the atmosphere in the car had been filled with tension.
He sighs to himself, not hearing whatever Lisa's going on about. He's tired. So tired of putting up this pretense and fighting his feelings. Especially when he knows there's only one place he wants to be right now.
He knocks on her door several times but he doesn't get an answer. Panic rises in his chest because he knows that her car is parked outside so she's still inside. He takes out the spare key that she had given him and makes his way inside, searching for her.
"Erin?" he calls out, looking for her room to room. She's not downstairs so he heads up, his concern growing by the minute. "Erin?"
He finds her the room that's going to be the baby's nursery. The room is empty except for a rocking chair that he had bought for her a few weeks back after reading that baby likes the rocking motion. She's on the floor, leaning against the chair, her face hidden from him.
"Erin?" he calls out softly, not wanting to scare her. He hears her sniffling and immediately knows that she's crying. His chest aches at the sight, Jay quickly making his way over to her and kneeling down on the ground so he can look at her. "What's wrong Erin?"
Her face is red and it's apparent by her eyes that she's been crying for a while already. The ache in his chest grows and he reaches out to cup her face gently, his eyes imploring her to tell him what's wrong.
She tries to get out of his hold but he holds on tighter until she gives in, her body too weak to put up a fight. He wipes away her tears as softly as he can. "Tell me please."
She sighs, sniffling some more. "It's nothing. You don't have to worry about me."
"Erin, I'll always worry about you." She's his first and last thought of the day. Within the span of these few months, she has become the most important person in his life. "Whatever's wrong, tell me so I can fix it."
She closes her eyes like she's in pain. "That's just it Jay." He frowns in confusion, waiting for her to explain more. "I can't keep depending on you. Expecting you to fix everything for me. It's not fair to you."
"What are you talking about?" He wants nothing more than for her to lean on him, to allow him to be there for her and the baby. That's all he wants.
"It's just….you're not this baby's father Jay. You don't owe me and the baby anything and I just feel so guilty that you're giving us so much of yourself when you don't have to. Like I'm ruining your life because you feel obligated to support me and put your own life on hold."
He shakes his head profusely, her words are the furthest thing from the truth. "Erin, you're not ruining my life. Don't ever think that. Ever. I want to be there. I'm grateful that you're letting me be a part of your life. For both of you. It was never an obligation. Never."
"Jay, you're an amazing man and you can be with anyone. Yet you're here…"
"I'm right where I want to be Erin." He strokes her cheek. "Has it ever occurred to you that I'm exactly where I want to be." He braves himself for the words he's about to say, knowing that he can no longer hold them back. He can't lie to himself anymore. "Has it ever occured to you that you're who I want to be with?"
He searches her eyes for a reaction, Erin looking back at him in shock. She shakes her head and for a second, his heart drops, thinking it's Erin rejecting him.
"I've been trying to avoid it," she says. "Trying to convince myself that I'm not falling for you. That's why I've been keeping you at arm length, trying to push you away. Because I'm falling in love with you Jay and it scares the shit out of me."
Jay's mouth parts in shock at her confession. Erin's falling in love with him? He already knows that he is already in love with her but never did he think, she'd feel the same about him. His eyes light up at her words and a wide grin comes across his face. They really are one and the same. Both of them trying to avoid their feelings for each other, trying to deny their feelings. But no more. Al was right. There are just some things that are out of their control and falling in love with her is something Jay can't control. Like it's fate. And for the first time, the concept of fate doesn't scare Jay.
"Then stop," he tells her, his fingers tangled in her hair. "Don't push me away anymore because I've already fallen in love with you Erin and this is where I want to be. With you and the baby. Always."
She looks at him like she sees stars in his eyes and it just lights him up even more. He brushes his finger on her lips and he feels her take in a sharp breath at the action. His eyes ask for permission and she nods, giving him the permission to connect their lips together.
Her lips are the sweetest thing Jay has ever tasted.