"You are an absolute godsend, Alexander." Magnus sighed as he took the martini from the younger man's hand. Alec smiled, if only Magnus knew how he felt about the man.
"I put a plate of dinner in the oven so it would stay warm. The kids are already asleep, I'm afraid. I did let them stay up a bit longer than normal, cause they wanted to see you, so they may be a little bit tired tomorrow." Alec put his hands behind his back as he took in his employer. He looked tired, but then he had been working long hours these last few weeks. To be honest, Alec started to worry a bit for his health, but since it was not his place to say anything, he kept his mouth shut. But even tired, Magnus looked absolutely stunning.
It had been almost three years since Alec had been hired as a nanny for Magnus' two young sons. He would be there during the week, always went home in the evening, and he would have the weekend off. However, in the past year, he had come to occasionally stay the night, if Magnus had to travel for work, or would be in too late, and out too early. The boys, Max and Raphael, were too young to tutor, but that didn't stop him from instilling all kinds of knowledge into those two boys. And they soaked it up like a sponge.
He had been desperate at the time, buried under debt and with two younger siblings to support, so this job had been a miracle. Alec loved working with kids, and the pay was good. Over the years, Alec duties were gradually increased, along with Magnus' workload. The man was a busy lawyer, and in the time that Alec knew him, he had been steadily working more and more. Alec really didn't mind though. He liked taking care of the kids, and if that meant he had to do laundry and cooking and cleaning, well that was a small price to pay.
"Well, if that means that I can spend some more time sleeping, it will be worth it," Magnus replied, and graciously dropped on the couch. As if there was ever a time when Magnus wasn't graceful, Alec thought. But the man did look really tired. And defeated. Although he desperately wanted to say something, offer his support, he knew he shouldn't. It was a line he had never crossed, and with good reason.
"I'll leave then, to give you some rest. Oh, before I forget, Catarina called. She said she'll stop by tomorrow, with Madzie, around one-ish. She'll take the boys to the park so they can play. I'll be back Monday, normal time." Alec smiled and waited for Magnus to reply, but the older man just smiled and nodded. Alec turned around and walk to the hallway. As he picked his coat, he couldn't get the exhausted expression that had adorned his boss' face out of his mind. Seriously, Magnus had been working more and more, making longer days and even working in the weekend. Not that the man would ever tell him, but the boys told him enough. It really wasn't healthy, but there was nothing that Alec could do.
But Alec really wanted to help, hated seeing Magnus looking so poorly. Because when Magnus was well, he truly was a sight to behold. Alec often couldn't keep himself from smiling whenever Magnus would enter a room, drawing all the attention to himself, but never basking in it. Alec couldn't draw his eyes away whenever Magnus would laugh, really laugh, and the sound made Alec long to touch him. A hand on his back. Running through his always immaculately styled hair. Taking the ring adorned hand in his own. In short, Alec wanted Magnus to be his, but he also knew that the man didn't want him. Why would he though?
Alec was about to leave, but he couldn't. Things really had to change, if not for Magnus, then for the boys. He really couldn't handle any more questions of why their dad was always away. He had to be able to do something right? Before he knew it, his feet had carried him back to the living room, where Magnus had not moved an inch.
"Magnus?" At his name, the man shot up, clearly having been awoken. He turned on the couch, looking at Alec. He just raised an eyebrow.
"It is just that, and I hope I am not overstepping things, and I know that you are crazy busy right now, but if there is anything that I can do, just let me know. I could watch the boys in the weekend, if that would be too much for you?" Alec scratched the back of his neck, and felt a slight blush creep on his face. He looked at Magnus for a reply, and kind of expected a smile, but found none.
"Why would me being with my children ever be too much for me? Do you want to imply that I cannot look after them?" Magnus lashed out, at Alec, standing up now. Alec felt hurt, and immensely stupid. That was not what he had meant at all. He tried to stumble his way through an apology, and an explanation of what he meant, but it clearly wasn't enough. Magnus cut right through his rambling.
"You were right, Alexander, you are overstepping. You are their nanny, not their parent, and certainly not my partner. What I do, or what we do in the weekend, is well outside your boundaries." Alec looked down and just nodded. He felt every word sting. He slouched down a bit, and bit his lip.
"Yes, mister Bane. I will be here Monday morning again." Without meeting Magnus' eyes, Alec turned around and walked out of the door. He stared ahead as he waited for the elevator, fiddling his hands. Magnus had been right, he had been out of bounds. He was just there to look after the kids, not Magnus. He didn't have the right to voice his concern about the man's health. He wasn't a friend, not even an acquaintance, he was an employee. And Magnus had put him firmly back into his place again.
What made it sting even worse, was that it was another reaffirmation that his affection towards his boss was not returned. He had been attracted to the man almost immediately after meeting him, and it turned into more in the weeks following working for him. He had always watched, from the side lines, at the kind hearted generosity that Magnus bestowed on those he cared for. He had listened, as Magnus was calling his friends as he entered the apartment after work, and heard the soothing tones, the laughter and the reassurances. He saw it in the way Magnus acted towards his kids as he came home, and in the love that was in the boys' eyes whenever they saw their father.
It were all these little things that made Alec's heart so completely and utterly lost on Magnus, in a way that he had never experienced before, and never even thought he could ever have. He had always dreamed of meeting a man like Magnus. But in his dreams, that man would love him back, and here it was clearly not the case.
His evening had already been bad, before Magnus came home, because he had to tell two young boys, that they had to go to bed before their dad came home. They hadn't even fought him, and the pain was clearly readable in their faces. They hadn't seen their dad all week. They couldn't give him the drawings they had made, or tell him about the books they read. It was heartbreaking. But if that, combined with Magnus' reprimand, was not enough, on the way home it had started raining, and hard, and Alec had not taken an umbrella with him. Within minutes he was soaked to the bone. But he just walked on, not really feeling like running. It wasn't as if there was anything or anyone waiting for him at home.
A few weeks passed by, and Alec had completely shrunk back from Magnus. Although everything about the man still enticed him, captivated him, he figured it would be easier to completely detach himself from him. He had made sure that he was ready as Magnus entered the apartment, leaving almost immediately, and that when he arrived in the morning, he would avoid the rushing man, if he was still there. He always ensured that the extra clothes and other personal stuff he used when he had to stay the night were always packed into a bag, ready to take home. Magnus looked worse and worse every day. He dressed up less and less. The makeup, which usually enhanced everything about his face, became practically non-existent, and his hair lost the coloured highlights as well as the spikes. Alec hated seeing him like this, hated that he wasn't the one who could voice his concerns, and have them being listened to. But Alec being Alec, he bottled everything up, and marched through.
He couldn't help it, but he felt like he had to do something, anything to make it better. Because it was not only the man who suffered, but his children as well. And that was something that Alec couldn't ignore. He made sure that the boys had been fed, washed, and in bed by the time that Magnus came back. He made sure that there was always a plate or something for Magnus to eat, and that the apartment was in impeccable order. Groceries were bought and the to-do list that was plastered next to the calendar was always done before the day had ended. Small things, but Alec fervently hoped it would help.
Alec heard the key in the lock, and that was his cue. He closed the book he had been reading, and got up off the couch. The book was placed on a side table, which since the day Alec had started working, had always housed a book of his. He swiftly made his way to the hallway, not wanting to take up any more time than was strictly necessary.
"Mister Bane. The kids are asleep and there is food in the oven. There were a few calls for you, I put the names, numbers and messages on the notepad next to the phone. Good evening." He reached for his coat and put it on as he spoke, occasionally looking into Magnus' direction, but never looking at him. He was almost out of the door, before a hand stopped him. He looked at the hand, definitely Magnus', but he wasn't sure what it was doing on his forearm, not that he was minding it one bit.
"Alexander, could you stay a little longer? I know you have been avoiding me the past few weeks, rightly so, but I was hoping that we could talk?" Talk? What could they possibly have to talk about? Maybe it had something to do with the boys? But Alec had made sure that they were okay, and fed, and overall quite happy. As happy as they could be without their dad. Alec really wanted to leave, but this was his employer, it was not as if he could refuse.
"Yeah, okay, I suppose." Alec waited for Magnus to take the lead, and followed him into the living room. Magnus walked to the drink cart, and poured himself a scotch. Alec declined the offer for one and sat down on one of the chairs, legs pressed together, hands clasped on top of them. Magnus took a seat on the couch, twisting the glass in his hand. Alec did not directly look at Magnus, instead focused on his hair. It wasn't styled today, and although he thought Magnus looked good no matter what, he liked the spiked and coloured hair more. It added to the whole image and gave Magnus an even brighter spark.
"Alexander, could you please look at me?" Reluctantly, Alec met Magnus' eyes. He had done everything right. Magnus had nothing on him, no reason to fire him. That voiced concern from a few weeks ago couldn't be the reason right? Because three years ago, the money from the job had been the only thing that kept him and his siblings alive. So he had done everything in his power to never give Magnus a reason to fire him. The money put food on the table and a roof over their head. It also had meant that Alec hadn't been seeing much of them, with both his siblings attending classes, Izzy (his sister) at university, and Jace (his adoptive brother) at community college. And although Alec had longed to be there next to them, someone had to ensure they had the money. It had been a hard few years, working multiple jobs, losing most of them as quickly as they came, until this came along. Now Izzy and Jace were working and had apartments of their own, actually living with their partners, and Alec would home to an empty, run down apartment, that still held traces of Jace and Izzy. It would have been too empty without.
If Magnus decided to let Alec go… Financially he would be alright, but emotionally he wouldn't. He couldn't say goodbye to the boys yet. Because Alec had looked out for so many people for almost all his life, he didn't know what to do if he had no one to look out for.
Magnus sighed, and pushed a hand through his hair. He looked at Alec a bit, and Alec tried to read his face, for any sign that he was not to come back anymore.
"Alexander…" Magnus obviously struggled with whatever he had to say, and Alec felt the fear slowly paralyse him. His breath got hitched in his throat. So he had been right, and Magnus was going to let him go, because he stepped out of line. With a tremendous effort, Alec pushed back the tears in his eyes. And waited. Waited for the words he never wanted to hear. But as time passed, Magnus remained silent, slinking back on the couch. And it made Alec angry. Well, if he was going to be fired, better tell him now, than to drag this out. He wondered whether Magnus wanted him gone now, or if he would have a notice, so that he could at least properly say goodbye to the boys. Alec's eyes stayed trained on Magnus' face, but no words were said for quite a while.
It drove Alec slightly mad. He was hurt, and confused, and frankly angry with being treated this appalling. Had he not looked after those boys, fed them, bathed them, read them night stories when their own father had been too busy with work? Had he not been here every morning, without fail, meaning that he had to get up at an ungodly hour? Had he not gone above and beyond the job description, just to make all their lives a little bit better? But Magnus was still silent. Apparently there was absolutely nothing to talk about.
Alec shot up. "I'll take my leave then." He hated how the hurt was carried in his voice. As he turned to walk away, Alec could take a small consolation in the fact that Magnus had not voiced his firing. So that would mean that he would be here again Monday, as he had been for the last 3 years.
"Alexander." Magnus sounded exasperated. Well, guess what, so was Alec. Before he knew it, he had turned on his heel, index finger pointed to Magnus.
"No, you don't get to treat me like this. I did everything right. I am here every morning, ungodly early and leave every night later and later. Those boys are fed, and bathed, and read to, and entertained, and loved.
"Alexander."
"No, no, now I talk. I am the reason that this house is clean, and that there is a home for you to come back to. And yes, I overstepped a while back, and I apologise, but I have changed my behaviour, stayed well within my boundaries since then. You have nothing, absolutely no reason to fire me. Those boys deserve stability, and you are not giving it."
"Alexan-"
"Well, I guess that this is me overstepping again, but you are never here. I have to tell them every night, I have to look them in the eye and tell them that their father is not going to tuck them in, or give them a night kiss. I am here every morning, and as I walk into their bedrooms, the first thing, without fail, is them asking for their father, and I have to tell them that it is just me. Even after all this time, they still want you to wake them up, and you are never there."
"Alex-"
"No, I understand that you are a busy man, with an incredibly demanding job, but those are your children, you are not even around in the weekend, and if you are, you hardly spend time with them. And the one time, the one time I voiced a slight concern for your wellbeing, I get shot down. Put back into my place. Have you considered, even for a second, what all this work does, not only to you, but also to your children? Weeks have gone by, where they did not see you from Sunday evening, to Saturday morning."
"Al-"
"Do you have any idea how much they miss you? How many drawings they make for you, so that you can at least know what they learned that day? Or what they did that day, or what weird shape they saw in the clouds that day? You are the only parent they have left, and they have almost lost you as well. And I do what I can, try to placate them anyway I can, but it hurts to see their faces fall every day, several times per day, because they want you." During his rant, Alec got more and more worked up. All the things that he had been keeping in, bottled up, came pouring out. Well everything pertaining to the children. Alec put every ounce of self-restraint he had into not pouring out his feelings for the man.
"Alexander!" Magnus sharply interrupted him. Now he'd gone and done it. If Magnus had no reason to fire him before, he had now. It didn't matter anyway, all the energy had left Alec the second he was interrupted. He didn't even respond to the obvious order to shut up, he had to make Magnus see what he did, what his absence did.
"They need you, Magnus. Don't you see? My parents have been dead for a while now, and I still need them sometimes." He had never shared that with anybody. He knew his parents very much disapproved of him being gay, and had never been shy to voice those opinions, but given the choice, he would want them in his life regardless. It was not as if something like that would ever happen to him anyway.
"They are always going to need you, and the last thing you want to do is push them away. Make them feel as if they don't matter to you. Or make them feel when they are older, that they cannot reach out, because that is what they are used to. I cannot stand here, another second, because I know how much it hurts, and you can do something about it and you just don't do it." Magnus stared at him, waiting for Alec to stop. Nothing Alec said seemed to make any impact on the man, and Alec couldn't hold back the tears. He wiped his face, and shook his head.
"I'm not going to apologise, because I meant what I said. I cannot be here anymore, I am sorry. I quit effective immediately." Alec hadn't meant to say that, but as the words came out, he knew that they were true. He couldn't stay here anymore. Sure, it would hurt, so much, to never see those boys again, but he had to learn that they weren't his, they would never be his. He had become too attached to children he was always meant to leave. But he had made his bed and he would lay in it. There wasn't any energy left in him. He fished the keychain out of his pocket and took off the keys to the apartment. Magnus' eyes followed the keys as they were tossed onto the coffee table.
"I'll let myself out." He was about to walk away, but he had one more thing to say. "Please tell the boys that I am sorry, but that I love them very much and that they have to do the thing I always tell them to do. They'll know what I mean." With that, Alec turned on his heels, picked up the weekend bag with his personal belongings and walked out of the best job, the best thing he had going on in his life right now. And the worst part was, Magnus didn't stop him.
With the money he had been saving, he could comfortably live for quite a few months. He had even sold his apartment and bought a smaller, but nicer one. But Alec could not, for one second, sit alone in his apartment without going slightly mad. There was no one to care for, no one to cook for, or clean up for. It was just not the same to do it for yourself. But Alec was not one to do nothing, and he enrolled in online classes. He studied a bunch of things, including accounting and pedagogy. After the first few days being home, and receiving absolutely no response from Magnus, Alec had to confront himself, and figure out what it was that he really wanted. The answer was surprisingly quick. He wanted children around him, laughing and drawing and being happy. It was probably because he knew he would never have a family of his own, and had looked after his siblings from a very young age, but he absolutely adored children. Their innocence and weird thought patterns made it almost impossible to predict what was coming out of their mouths.
He loved how enthusiastic they were, and how full of love they could be. They had no reservations, so if they were happy, they beamed, and if they were sad, they cried. He would hold them close, and rock them and ensure them that he was there, and that he was going to look after them. So it had been no surprise that Alec drifted to the courses on child care. Maybe he could start working at a daycare, and maybe even open one up one day. The thought brought a smile to his face.
And so he enrolled, and studied. But Alec couldn't stay indoors all day and on the weekends he would often make his way to the park, walking in all weather, smiling at the children playing. He never got close though. The fact that he was a man, and a rather tall one at that, and that there were no children of his own to accompany him would make people naturally weary. He also found another job, at a coffee shop. He didn't really need the money, but he did need to have a job, a reason to leave the apartment, hours to fill.
He did miss the boys, every day. Whenever he woke up, always way too earlier, he had to remind himself that he wouldn't go there anymore. Now, a few months later, it was a little easier, but not much. He focussed all his attention to missing the children, because that was pain he could bear. He didn't want to think about never seeing Magnus again, or hearing his voice, his laughter. That was pain he couldn't bear. But today was especially bad. It was Raphael's birthday, and it was the first one in three years for which he had prepared nothing. He had not gotten him a gift, baked him no cake. It was a weekday, and one which he had the day off. Most of the day was a blur, filled with meaningless tasks. It had only taken him a few hours to clean the entire place, do groceries, pay the bills. He often worked in the evening, so sitting down in front of his laptop now, he couldn't find the motivation to focus.
Soon enough, he left the apartment and made his way to the park where he had always taken the boys. It was a long way off, and there definitely was a park closer to him, but it would be a little mini celebration, he supposed. Before he knew it, the surroundings became familiar, and the park came into view. He walked through it and saw the boys climb on everything, or let go of his hands to chase a squirrel. How many hours had he spent here, making them laugh, teaching them about nature, and trees, and birds and wildlife? Now the park just felt empty.
He made his way over to their bench, and sat down. It had a perfect vantage point for both the playground, as the pond, where they would often watch and count the birds. Alec leaned back.
"Happy birth Raph," He muttered to himself, with half a smile. He imagined what Raphael would be doing right now? Would he already have had his cake? Strawberry shortcake was his favourite. Had he already unwrapped all his presents, laugh louder and louder, frantically ripping away the paper? Had they already done the birthday dance, had they taught the birthday dance to their new nanny? How long would it take them to forget Alec?
He was so lost in thought that he did not see two eager faces at the entrance of the playground, letting go of the hand they were holding and running straight to the man on the bench.
"Alec!" At the sound of his name, Alec snapped back to reality and right in front of him were two very happy, very familiar boys. Alec couldn't help himself as he lifted both of them up into a big hug.
"Oh, I missed you guys. Let me look at you. Oh no, no, no. This is quite unacceptable. You are so much taller now, Raph, I won't allow it. Look at that, you are so much taller" Alec used his hand to indicate the amount. "No you are, you really are. But then again, it is your birthday, so I guess that is allowed." He couldn't help but have a huge grin on his face. He had put the boys down, initially, but now they climbed on the bench as they always did, already tucked beneath his arms.
"Yeah, it's my birthday." Raphael beamed.
"I know it is. Did you have your cake? And what about presents, were they nice this year? Wait, did you do the birthday dance yet? You know you have to do the birthday dance on your birthday right? It is the only day in the year that you are allowed to do the dance, so you have to make the most of it." Alec nudged both of the boys, and tickled them, earning him large laughs from both of them.
"Yeah, we did, we did do the dance, and the cake and the presents, and I made my wish and it came true!"
"You did buddy, and it really came true? I'm so happy for you!" From the corner of his eyes, he saw Magnus standing close, with an unreadable expression on his face. Right, he shouldn't be around the boys. He wasn't their nanny anymore. He hugged both very tightly one last time, and let them go.
"Why don't you go and play some. I do believe there is a pirate on the loose right? One that needs to be captured?" With those words relating to the games they always played here, the boys jumped off the bench and ran to the playground. With a heavy heart, Alec watched them go. Maybe this would be okay now, because he had had his goodbye. Raphael turned around and looked at him, and Alec tried to send him his best encouraging smile. But Raphael ran back.
"You'll be here right? When we get back?" Two large eyes looked at him, and his heart broke. He never lied to them, not outright anyway. But now he had to.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll be here." Raphael beamed again and ran to join his brother. Alec fought back the tears. He knew that he had needed the goodbye, but he had not imagined, or not allowed himself to imagine, how hard it would be. He glanced over to Magnus, seeing how much time he had before he needed to leave. But Magnus wasn't angry, instead he walked over to Alec, rather insecurely and sat down next to him.
Alec couldn't do anything but stare at him. Magnus certainly looked better, he was flamboyantly dressed again, and his hair and makeup were spot on. He didn't look tired anymore. So why was he insecure? Or maybe Alec had read that wrong, but he couldn't for the life of him think what else it could be. But he shouldn't be here, certainly not this close to Magnus. Alec clasped his hands together tightly, as to stop himself from touching the man sitting next to him. No, the separation had done Alec no good. Magnus took a deep breath next to him and turned to face him. Alec didn't want to have this conversation, so he made his move to stand up, before he was stopped.
"Alexander, I – No you have to let me finish. You said what you needed to say and now it is my turn. I am so truly sorry, Alexander. I knew that I was relying on you more and more, and that you went well and above anything that one could ask for in a nanny. You looked after me too, and I took it for granted. I did not wanted to hear your words. I knew that I was working too much. It is one thing to know it, it is another if someone tells you, and especially if that person is already looking after your kids.
"That first time, that time I lashed out, I had had a terrible day at work, and I took it out on you. I regretted it the moment you became all distant, but I could not form the words to apologise. I should have, immediately. I should have followed you, or even texted you, but I could not. It was weak of me.
"I was swamped with work, but I did notice you distancing yourself from me, and on occasion even avoiding me. I had this apology in my head, all ready to say, and somehow I never could. You never looked me in the eye again, and was always in the process of leaving the room whenever I entered. But the kids never lacked anything. I hoped, selfishly, that you would warm up again, that you'd forget it and that it would be as before. But I realised that that was not going to happen and that it was up to me to make it better.
"That day, that I asked if we could talk, and you had your … say, I had been ready to apologise. But you were sitting there, so tense and I could not read you, not know what you were thinking. I formed the words in my head, but I could not get them out of my mouth. Then you wanted to leave, and I realised that if I did not stop you, another chance would not present itself any time soon.
"And then you said all the things that I knew, somehow, somewhere, but that I was not admitting to myself. You laid it all out in front of me, and all I saw was someone caring for not just my children but also for me. Someone who had put his heart and soul into raising children that were not his own. And every word stung, because they were right. You were right, you are right. And then you walked out, rightly so, and I still hadn't apologised. And I had to explain to yo- the boys that you weren't coming back, because of something I did, or that I failed to do. I have never seen them so angry, or crying for so long. I spent the weekend looking for a new nanny, convinced that I could never get you back. It hurt every time that they wanted something or saw something that they would call for you and not for me. It served as the reminder that I hadn't been there for them, just like you said."
During the entire speech, Alec had been wringing his hand, staring straight ahead, not quite believing what Magnus was saying to him. So this entire time he wanted to apologise, but he never did. Was it because Alec wasn't worthy of an apology? Magnus fell silent, intently staring at Alec, but the younger man could not look at him. So instead, he reached around into the bag housing all the stuff that the boys normally needed whenever they went out.
Alec felt, rather than saw, the book in his lap. He looked down, and saw it was the book that he had left at Magnus'. He knew he had left it there, but he couldn't be bothered to pick it up. It was not as if he wanted to continue reading it anyways after what had happened. Carefully, he lifted the book and examined it. Not because he wanted to see if the book had been manhandled, but to see if it was really the book he had left behind.
"I have actually read the book, and kept it close. It was the only thing in the apartment that was yours. Later we also found some old shirts of yours in the laundry. When you walked out, it was that, and the note by the phone that were the only traces that you had ever been there. And I realised that I rather missed having you around. And not just that there was food when I came home, or that the house was clean. It was that everything had an order, that everything had a place. That I came home and I could sense you in the apartment, even after you left, because of a book that had been placed on the coffee table, or a cake that was put into the fridge. And when it got crazy busy, it were the small things that I noticed that you did. You made life better, every day, and I knew that, even when I was working late, or buried within a pile of papers, you would be home looking after the two things I care about most.
"We actually came here every Saturday and Sunday since you left, around the same time you would take them, and I had the other nannies take them every day that I wasn't there, hoping that we would run into you. It took me longer than it should have done to get over my pride, but the moment I did, and I wanted to reach out to you, I couldn't find you anymore. You had moved, and you were not answering your phone. I just… Do you know what Raphael's birthday wish was? That you would be here, that he would see you again.
"I know I have no right to ask this, but would you ever consider coming back? Because we need you, I need you. Those boys love you, almost more than me and I …" Magnus fell silent. All this time, Alec had not spoken a word. He was weighing Magnus' words in his head. It was all he wanted to hear, and he desperately desired to say yes, to come back, but there was also a part of him that didn't. Now that he knew how it would feel like to miss Magnus, to really miss him, he couldn't go back and be around him when he still wasn't Alec's.
He wanted to come back, to be in their lives again, but not as their nanny, Alec realised. He wanted more, needed more, and that was something Magnus could never give him.
"I'm sorry, but I can't." Alec clutched the book as he spoke, or rather whispered, those words. He saw Magnus' face fall, and the other man could do nothing but nod defeatedly, as Alec rose from the bench. He wanted to say something, anything, but Alec couldn't find the words. How could he possibly tell Magnus all of that. He just sighed, and walked away.
He had only taken a few steps when he felt a hand on his arm. He didn't even have to look around to know it was Magnus', the heat radiating from the touch told him all that.
"I watched you walk away twice now, it is not going to happen a third time. Tell me … is there anything I can do. And if there is nothing I can do, could you tell me why at least? Please?" Alec had refused to look at Magnus, but the soft 'please' leaving his lips made Alec turn. He saw the pleading in his eyes, the hurt on his face. He almost spilled the secret he had been carrying for these past three years. Almost.
"There is nothing you can do. I just can't come back. It is not what I want anymore." Those were not lies, but they weren't the whole truth either. Magnus' hand was still on his arm, and maybe he should shake it off, but the feeling was divine. Magnus hardly ever touched him, and especially not this long. But if he wanted to leave, and he really needed to leave, it had to be now. He didn't know if he could muster the strength if he waited a bit longer.
But Magnus' grip on his arm increased and held the younger man in place.
"Alexander…" There was something about the way his name rolled off the Magnus' lips. He could hear the plea in his voice, for an explanation, a valid one this time.
"You can't give me what I want."
"Then what do you want?" Maybe it had been the pain of not seeing him, and not seeing the boys. Maybe it had been seeing him again after those months apart, with no trace of him in his life. Maybe it had been the pleading, or all the things Magnus had said before. Maybe Alec was tired, of hiding, of holding back. He knew now where he wanted his life to go.
He had talked to Jace in the few weeks after leaving his job and had given him a list of reasons not to talk to Magnus anymore, reasons why to avoid his calls. And Jace had listened, patiently, which was very unlike Jace. He had not said anything, while Alec was laying out argument after argument, of why he had left, why he would never say anything about his feelings to the man. By the time Alec was done, Jace had been quiet. And then he had said something profound, and yet so simple. Jace had said that despite all the reasons not to talk to Magnus, there was one reason to do it: because Alec wanted to. So maybe that is why the words left his mouth. It wasn't a desire, or a need that was voiced, but a simple statement.
"I want you." Alec had looked away and still couldn't look Magnus in his eyes. He had expected the hand to release his arm, so he had mentally prepared himself to walk away. But Magnus' hand did not leave his arm. Instead, another hand cupped his face, forcing him to turn his head towards Magnus. Their eyes met, and Alec both hurt like he had never hurt before, and felt hopeful. He had said it now, no turning back. It meant that Magnus held all the cards now, and could very easily crush him. But maybe, just maybe, there was a reason he hadn't yet. Although Alec couldn't for the life of him fathom why the man would ever care for him like that, he couldn't help but hope.
Magnus beamed, and softly leaned his forehead against Alec's.
"I have been sleeping with one of your shirts because I missed you. Before you left, I was working more and more because I didn't trust myself not to throw myself at you, when I came home and you were playing with the children. I never, in one million years, thought that you actually wanted me like that." The words were spoken softly and full of warmth. It confused Alec, he wasn't sure what he was hearing.
"What do you mean?" Magnus laughed at his confusion.
"I mean that I want you too. I have for quite some time." There was no mistaking it now, but still Alec couldn't believe it. He just stared into Magnus' eyes, as he felt the warmth in his heart spread everywhere. He couldn't even speak, or say anything, he just smiled, leaning even more against his forehead of the lawyer.
"You do?" It was a question containing every insecurity he had, all the fears, and pain, and heartbreak. The hand on his arm left, before cupping the other side of his face. Alec's own hands still hung loose next to him, one of them still clutching the book. He was unsure what to do with them, where to put them, not really thinking about them to be honest.
"Oh Alexander.." Magnus smirked and reached for his lips, softly pressing a kiss against them. "If only you knew how much." Alec let out a sound, somewhere between a sob and a squeal. Not only did Magnus say that he wanted Alec, but he had also kissed him. And it was the best feeling ever. And he wanted to feel that again. Alec carefully, attentively, brought his lips to Magnus', somewhere still expecting the man to pull away, but he didn't. His empty hand reached out and found Magnus' waist and pulled him closer.
It was the need for air that drew them apart. There were so many things that Alec wanted to say, but he couldn't form the words. Instead he smiled, and his cheeks hurt from it, but it didn't matter. Magnus wanted him. He could touch him now, tenderly, kiss him, and it all overwhelmed him. Magnus was the first to break the silence.
"I don't know how this is going to work, but I want this to work. Come home with us, and we can figure it out. Please come home." Alec could not resist the urge to crash his lips to the other man's again, pouring his answer into it. It was intoxicating, kissing Magnus, and he hoped that he would never get used to it.
"Yeah," Alec said breathlessly, when they pulled apart again, and looked into the eyes of the man he loved. "Let's go home."