Hairy Potter – auto-elephant?
Summary: Spelling mistakes in the Harry-verse lead to odd happenings; a compendium of short drabbles inspired by common typos and auto-correct issues in Harry Potter fanfic.
***Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me, and any similarities to other stories are either coincidence or a tribute.
Chapter 1 – The Rouge Bludger
... Once again, the Bludger swerved like a boomerang and shot straight at Harry's head.
Harry tried to dodge, corkscrewing upwards, but the Bludger zoomed around in front of Harry and began trying to nestle itself between Harry's chest and his broomstick. Harry looked down and attempted to shake it off, but the Bludger was starting to glow and, more alarmingly, was making a soft humming noise.
Fred and George were now flying so close to him on either side that they could poke the Bludger with their Beaters' bats, trying to dislodge the glowing, humming iron ball. It hummed louder and started spinning madly.
George signalled to Wood that a time out was needed as Fred continued poking at the Bludger that kept trying to slide its way towards Harry's hand. Madam Hooch's whistle sounded and the team flew in to gather around Harry. As Angelina drew near, the Bludger gave a shudder and then Pop! The iron ball took on a distinctly reddish hue and appeared to grow not one, but three sizes bigger.
The ball jumped from Harry's broom to Angelina's hand, then stopped halfway, hovering in seeming indecision between Angelina and Katie, who was waving her hands wildly as she screamed at Oliver. Alicia, zooming in from left-field, found herself the next perch for the rogue Bludger, which vibrated threateningly on her shoulder until she grabbed it in her hand.
Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape and Madam Hooch joined the cluster of baffled Quidditch players. Quarrelling ensued. The Bludger, now more rouge than rogue at this point, was having a field day jumping to whichever person waved their hands the most vociferously.
Hermione, who had been scouring the teacher's stands for a new target to light on fire ever since the ball started behaving strangely, came running onto the pitch, followed closely by Ron. After observing the Bludger carefully for a minute and listening to the argument that was growing ever more heated, she interjected,
"Look, it has clearly decided that it is no longer a Bludger, it is a Quaffle, and you shouldn't try to remove its agency. I never knew that Quidditch balls were sentient, but this one clearly is, and it has decided that it is most definitely a Quaffle. It has the right to self-determination and I will stage a sit-in if you try to make it convert to anything other than what it has chosen!"
With that, she took a seat on the sodden ground, arms crossed mulishly. The teachers and Madam Hooch huddled again with Wood and Flint to discuss the legalities of playing with two Quaffles and only one Bludger, as everyone was aware of the futility of trying to divert Hermione from a set course. Ron Weasley quickly brought up the precedent of Barberus Bragge and his introduction of the Snitch in 1269, clinching the argument. Professor Snape noted drily that a second quaffle would lend a bit more balance to the game, allowing for more scoring opportunities beyond a "witless twit faffing about until a golden ball flies into their mouth. Dunderhead."
Both teams flew off to their side of the pitch, ready for play to resume. Madam Hooch muttered, "Well, it wasn't a well-designed game in the first place", blew her whistle, and the game was on again.