The Tracks of My Tears
The Caligari spell had always fascinated Hilda, ever since she was a novice witch attending the Academy of Unseen Arts. How the strongest of minds fell easily as the weakest of preys within seconds. It was a rather complicated spell, so the caster has to have a certain mindset for it to be successful. However, ever since her sister had become a victim of said spell, her fascination had seemed to ebb out. Even the mere thought of the spell sent shivers down her spine. Zelda had acted very blasé towards the whole ordeal, but deep-down Hilda believed the spell had slashed an overwhelming gash in Zelda's soul and mind. Yet, Zelda seemed determined that it was not as bad as it was perceived.
"Sister, I will be attending a seminar at the Academy this afternoon, so no need to make lunch for me," Zelda said, as she entered the kitchen with a cigarette in hand, where Hilda stood and washed yesterday's dishes. Moving gracefully as always, the older Spellman went to the counter and picked up a newspaper before heading to her designated seat at the table. Hilda could not help but to have noticed Zelda's decreasing appetite. Her older sister had always loved her cooking and would often steal small bites from her food even before it was fully prepared. Zelda had always had a great relationship with food, her sweet tooth almost never ending.
"That's fine, Zelds," Hilda said, her voice barely above a whisper. Zelda tensed, almost as if she knew her sister's thoughts. Noticing her cigarette was burned down to the filter, she took it out of the holder, before grabbing the cigarettes that were left on the table form yesterday, She put the new cigarette in the holder, lighting it instantly and hurried it up to her lips. Hilda also noticed that her sister's actions had become nervous, almost as she was expecting to be punished for everything she did. Zelda was even fidgeting with the ends of her newspaper, her foot tapping quickly against the floor.
"Do you want me to make you some breakfast, love?" Hilda asked, leaning down by Zelda's shoulder. The older sister closed her eyes and inhaled roughly.
"No, thank you. I wouldn't smack a cup of coffee out of your hands though," she added, and Hilda nodded and started to make her way over to the stove. As she started to make the coffee, Zelda cleared her throat.
"Where is Ambrose and Sabrina this morning?" Zelda asked, her face wearing a frown.
"Sabrina went to Baxter High for the day, and Ambrose is outside helping me with the garden," Hilda said, putting the kettle on the heating plate. Satisfied with the answer, Zelda's attention went back to the newspaper. Hilda had wanted to ask Zelda about the Caligari spell for several days, but never really wishing to add more stress onto her very busy sister. Where Hilda wanted to talk about her issues and troubles, Zelda wanted to deal with them herself, in her own time. However, Hilda believed that this time the trauma from the spell was so severe that Zelda would not be able to deal with it on her own, in a healthy way.
Taking a deep breath, Hilda finally found the courage to start a serious conversation with her hard-headed sister.
"Zelda," she cautiously began. Zelda just hummed, barely acknowledging Hilda; her attention still on the newspaper. Hilda remained undeterred, however.
She tried again, this time her voice a bit louder, and tone far more serious. "Zelda," This caught her sister's attention, as Zelda carefully lowered the newspaper, her eyes locking in on Hilda's.
"What is the purpose of this pestering Hilda?" Zelda said, clearly annoyed, but Hilda could tell Zelda knew what was happening. At this point, Hilda was at a loss of words. She mentally cursed herself for not having thought this conversation through,
"Well, I was just wondering how you were doing, love? Considering all that has happened lately," Hilda settled on simplicity, keeping her expression as neutral as she possibly could. Zelda looked at her if she had grown to heads, disbelief clearly written all over her face.
"I'm fine, Hilda," Zelda said, moving to lift her newspaper again, but Hilda's hand stopped her, looking at Zelda straight in her eyes. Zelda was caught completely off guard by this action, fright taking over her expression. The younger sister, slowly put the newspaper down, keeping a small and kind smile on her lips.
"I would very much like it if you didn't lie to me, Zelds," Hilda said, her voice barely audible. Zelda heard her though, her eyes quickly fixated on her lap. They sat like that for several minutes, both of them holding on to the newspaper as an anchor. Suddenly, the back door slammed open, and Ambrose walked into the kitchen, oblivious to what was going on.
"Hey aunties, I'm just grabbing a snack before going down in the basement to work on the Gordon-boy. The garden is looking very well, Auntie Hilda," Not looking at his aunts, Ambrose just grabbed a few items from the fridge, before heading out of the room. Looking up at her older sister, Hilda saw Zelda purse her lips before closing the newspaper and standing up. She smoothed down invisible wrinkles on her dress and put out her cigarette.
"I have to head to the Academy." With that, Zelda walked out of the room, leaving Hilda alone. The blonde tried to understand what had just happened, before her thoughts were interrupted by the kettle screaming and letting out steam. Quickly rushing over to the stove, she pulled the kettle off, putting it on the counter.
Hilda decided to ask Ambrose if he had noticed anything different or off with his other aunt. Walking down the steps, Hilda saw Ambrose standing above a corpse, placing a rib-spreader in the sternum. This part of their jobs had always made Hilda queasy, so she was elevated that somebody else was willing to do it.
"Hey, love," Hilda said as she approached her nephew. Ambrose stopped in his tracks; confusion clearly written on his face; his blonde aunt never came down in the basement willingly.
"Auntie, what are you doing down here? For the show?"
"No, oh Heaven, never that. I was just wondering if you've noticed anything… abnormal about your Aunt Zelda?" Hilda said, inwardly cringing at her choice of words. Ambrose put down his tools, took off his gloves, going over to the sink to wash his hands.
"Whatever do you mean, auntie?"
"Oh, nothing in particular. You know, just- anything different?"
"Auntie Zee has never been one to share her feelings or thoughts, Auntie Hilda, you know this," Ambrose said, more confused by the second. Hilda just nodded and started walking up the stairs again.
"Okay, never mind, I'll leave you to it, then," Hilda said, before disappearing.
Ambrose just shook his head at his aunt's antics but could not help but feel his stomach dropping at the mention of his aunt acting differently. His thoughts reflectively went straight to a certain spell. Brushing the feeling aside, he went back to work.
Hours later, when the sun had finally descended, Hilda could hear the familiar sound of heels clicking in the hallway outside the bedroom. Suddenly the clicking stopped. Zelda was standing outside the door, but not opening it. Hilda could see her shadow underneath the door; her feet nervously scuffing, almost twisting themselves. The doorknob turned, and Zelda finally stepped into the room, her face hidden by a waterfall of luscious hair. Hilda smiled at the sight of her sister, a natural reflex. As the older Spellman lifted her head and her hair fell back, her smile quickly disappeared. There were dark streaks down beautiful pale cheeks, red-rimmed eyes and pain etched all over her gorgeous face. Hilda slid out of bed and headed over to her sister, who stood still with her arms crossed over her chest. She looked as if she was in physical pain. Hilda never touched Zelda, but lifted her hands, as to virtually hold her sister.
"Love, what's the matter?" Hilda tried to make eye contact with her sister, but Zelda kept her eyes on her feet. Zelda's breathing started to pick up its pace, and she moved to stand by her vanity. Hilda turned with her, still keeping distance from her sister, not wanting to further agitate her. Zelda's hands laid flat against the wooden surface, gripping the edges for dear life, making her knuckles completely white.
"Zelds, love, are you injured?" On instinct, Hilda's eyes travelled down the length of her sister to find any signs of physical injuries. As far as she could see, Zelda did not have any.
Zelda took a big breath, running a hand over a tired face, before reaching for a washcloth to remove her make-up.
"I just needed a moment, Hilda," Zelda said, removing all traces of her distress. Not buying it, Hilda walked over to Zelda, and put her hand next to the hand still gripping the edge of the vanity, careful not to touch her. Hilda could feel tears stinging in her eyes at the sight of her sister in so much pain. She started sniffling, which caught Zelda's attention, she looked up at her sister in surprise.
"Whatever are you crying for now, Hilda?" She looked her older sister in her eyes.
"I don't like the thought of you hurting, love."
"Hurting? Who says I'm hurting?" Zelda said, huffing out a humorless laugh as she continued to look at her younger sister. Hilda, however, remained unfazed, determined to help her sister.
"Your eyes, darling. They tell me every day," Hilda said as she moved to brush a tear away from her own eyes. At this Zelda averted her eyes, pursed her lips and tried desperately to hold back her tears. The older sister put the cloth down and took a step back from the blonde.
"Don't be stupid, Hilda. Just because I don't laugh every day or smile at everything like you do, does not necessarily mean I'm hurting," Zelda defended, and walked into the en-suite bathroom. Brushing off the jab, Hilda followed suit and walked into their shared bathroom.
"Following me now, are you?" Zelda huffed angrily in the mirror. Hilda has had enough.
"Zelda, will you listen to me for a minute?" she said, her voice firm and determined, but kind. Zelda could not help but turn towards her sister at the sound and caught a glimpse of her eyes. Zelda had always loved Hilda's eyes. They were the kindest ones she has ever seen, and when you look into them you cannot help but to feel warm and comforted. Deep green orbs with brown specks that only ever showed up in direct sunlight. However, as the years had gone by, she noticed slight differences in her eyes. They were still kind, but they had noticeable signs of age around them. Lines showing a life full of smile and laughter, despite all that had happened to her younger sister. Zelda loved Hilda's eyes; they felt like home.
"I'm listening," Zelda sighed and feigned disinterest, her eyes rolling as if the mere sight of her sister bored her.
"I do not think you're doing as well as you would like us to believe. You haven't really said a word to either of us since that spell," At the mention of the spell, Zelda froze, all the color drained from her face and her eyes instantly glazed over.
"Do not mention that ever again," Her voice was as spiteful as Hilda had ever heard it, so full of hate that it scared her.
"Can you- "Zelda just brushed past her, heading into the bedroom once again. Hilda just sighed and followed her.
"Can you please just tell me what you're feeling?" Hilda pleaded with tears lacing her voice, talking to Zelda's back. In pure rage, Zelda spun so quickly that she almost butted heads with her younger sister.
"I feel sad and angry all of the time! The mere thought of getting out of bed in the morning make me physically ill! I'm in constant pain because of the injuries that were inflicted on me during that awful spell, and I don't think they will ever go away! I had my will taken away from me in the most horrible of ways! Is that what you wanted to hear? Every time I close my eyes I see and I hear him and –" Zelda yelled from the top of her lungs before falling to the floor, guttural sobs wreaking havoc on her body making it hard for her to breathe. Hilda stood in shock, tears steadily streaming down her cheeks, not truly comprehending what just happened. Quickly and quietly, stretching out her hand, Hilda heard the clicking of the door lock, not wanting her curious niece and nephew to walk in.
Carefully, Hilda knelt down by her sister, truly disturbed at the sight of her strong sister falling apart. The blonde was conflicted between wanting to comfort Zelda and giving her space, not wanting to cross any boundaries the older sister had. So, instead she slid her hand across the floor, fingertips barely touching Zelda's. There was a moment of hesitation, before Zelda clasped her hand around Hilda's wrist, holding on for dear life. At that, Hilda started sobbing, only holding onto Zelda harder.
After a few minutes, Zelda's sobbing had calmed down, but her body was still twitching with aftershocks, and a few sobs escaping her lips. "Love, let me help," Hilda whispered, not really knowing how to do just that. Zelda lifted her gaze from the floor, her face red and exhausted and her cheeks had tell-tale tracks of tears.
"I don't think you can this time, Hildy," Zelda cried, her voice so small and vulnerable that it made Hilda's stomach twist. Carefully, Hilda lifted an open palm up towards Zelda's face. The older sister looked at the hand questioningly and looking back towards her sister.
"Is it okay if I-" Hilda started and motioned her palm towards Zelda's face. Zelda bit the inside of her cheek, before weakly nodding. After a few seconds had passed, Zelda could feel a tender and careful hand cupping her cheek, a thumb lovingly wiping away a stray tear. The simple act made her brows knit together in relief. Hilda could sense this and lifted her other palm up to the opposite cheek, mimicking the same action. Now cupping both her sister's cheeks, she watched as a small part of Zelda's fright and nervousness disappear and was replaced with a little peace. As Hilda's thumbs were stroking over pale cheeks, Zelda could feel her lips curling upwards in a tiny, yet noticeable smile. She lifted her own hands up to cover her sister's.
"Zelds, I love you so much. I hope you know that," Hilda said earnestly and firmly. Zelda's eyes opened and heavy eyelashes fluttered upwards, making orbs filled with sadness meet her own.
"I know," Zelda whispered, still finding comfort in her sister's loving touch. Hilda had always been naturally nurturing and a great reader of people and their needs. However, when it came to Zelda, she could never really be too sure. Hilda would argue she knew her sister better than anyone, but there was till a lot of things she did not know, or rather was not allowed to know. Because of this, Hilda thought it would be best to simply ask.
"Zelds," The older sibling gave a small hum of acknowledgement, urging Hilda to go on.
"I want to help you in any way that I can, but you're going to have to tell me what to do," Zelda's head leaned a bit more into Hilda's right palm, as if seeking further comfort.
"Would- I mean, you've never wanted me to before, and I would never hold you or even touch you if you didn't want me to- but I can. If you want me to," Hilda finished her ramble with a small nervous and humorless laugh, before giving Zelda a small smile. Zelda just nodded silently and leaned forward, onto her sister's chest. Her arms stretched around her back, clutching the robe that covered Hilda's night gown. Naturally, the younger sister's arms went around Zelda, rubbing a hand comfortingly up and down her back, the other carefully stroking her hair. Hilda could feel Zelda's quiet tears staining her clothing, but she could not care any less. She brought her head down to Zelda's, planting featherlight kisses on top of auburn curls. Rocking gently, Hilda could feel her sister's breathing slowing down against her, Zelda's head lifting to get comfortable in the crook of Hilda's neck.
"I wish I never had let you go back," Hilda said, so much agony and regret lacing her voice. Zelda's only response was to close her eyes tightly and her fists clutched harder against Hilda's clothing. Zelda's gruff voice broke the silence that had followed Hilda's confession.
"It was fine, Hilda. I had to do what was best for my family. We had no other options."
"No, Zelds. There is always another way. We just didn't look for it. For that I will never forgive myself," Hilda said. Zelda carefully pulled away from the safe embrace to look at her sister's face, disbelief painting her features.
"Hildy, you cannot believe this is your fault?"
"Maybe not directly, but I could have stopped it," her voice breaking by the last word, before she swallowed roughly and bowed her head shamefully. At this, Zelda took a firm hold of the blonde's chin, lifting her head up and making Hilda look at her.
"It was my choice to marry Faustus. I decided to go back the night that… horrible spell was broken. My decisions, my fault. End of story," Zelda stated with finality. Hilda looked horrified at the fact that Zelda truly believed that everything that had happened to her was caused by her own choices, and not by Faustus and his plans to manipulate Zelda.
"Love, none of this is your fault either. This did not happen to you because you let it. He would have hurt you, no matter what."
"Well, none of it matters now. It is over. Faustus is long gone and the Caligari spell has been broken for a long time," Hilda just nodded at her sister's words. She sensed that this would be end of this conversation, for now. Hilda moved to stand up, and when she had gotten up, she held out her hand to Zelda. The older Spellman looked at the hand before smiling and delicately accepting it and letting herself be lifted from the floor. Now unsure what to do, Hilda brushed of invisible dust from her clothing as Zelda self-consciously patted her hair. Finally, their eyes locked, and they shared a small smile. Hilda stepped forwards and gave her sister a hug, hoping it would show her sister how she felt. When Hilda looked at her sister, she could not help but to swell up with pride and affection for the woman. She hoped the hug would radiate some of her love onto her sister, who sorely needed it.
"I'm sorry," Hilda whispered into auburn locks, letting one solitary tear roll down her cheek. Zelda just tightened her arms around Hilda, never wanting to let go.