A/N: Well, I'm back to ruin my life with another story because I just can't seem to help myself. This is the first I've ever written in the SW fandom. I've swapped things around, changed a few minor details and some major. If you're not a fan of the changes, I apologize. Also, this story will get quite dark in later chapters with violence, mention of drugs, and explicit sex, so if you're not ready to ride that train then I wouldn't keep reading. But if you do, I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to leave your comments and opinions, I love it.

A million shards of glass
That haunt me from my past
As the stars begin to gather
And the light begins to fade
When all hope begins to shatter
Know that I won't be afraid
If I risk it all
Could you break my fall?

After

"How did you find me?"

Her voice trembled as she spoke but it compared little to the shaking of her hands. She flexed, tightened, flexed her fingers into fists and took a long breath, strands of hair blowing across her face.

He was here. After all this time, he was here.

Rey had spent the last five years pretending he didn't exist – erasing his touch, his taste, the tenderness that followed the eruptions. Long ago, she had left behind busted knuckles, bloody clothes, and a lover that drove her into an abyss of madness.

But he was here.

His appearance had changed slightly over the years but it didn't matter. Five years later, Rey could still close her eyes and trace the lines of his palms, the curve of his lips. She remembered exactly how her fingers felt lost in his hair, the way his breath caught in his throat beneath the heat of her touch, and the underwater light show in his dark blue eyes.

Their eyes held until it seemed like minutes had passed before he swallowed and finally his lips began to move, "I never stopped looking for you."

"I know," She whispered softly, her eyes falling.

Leaves cracked beneath his boots as he took an unfamiliar step forward. Summoning courage, he closed the distance between them. She closed her eyes, unable to look up at him. Fingertips light as a whisper touched her cheek.

He smelled the same – sharp cologne, leather, smoke. She savored it. Though she knew better, her body ached to touch him, feel him, love him.

"Why did you leave me?" He asked softly, a hint of cinnamon brushing her face.

The hurt, the betrayal in his voice twisted her stomach. Not knowing what to expect, possibly anger or resentment, she steeled herself and opened her eyes. His face was so close to hers, tilted downwards until the tips of their noses nearly touched. He was breathing heavy, his chest rising and falling with each breath, and his eyes were trained on her.

And they were tortured.

"I had to," She managed to whisper.

His eyebrows pulled together and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, inching closer to her until his lips almost brushed hers, "You didn't have to."

"Kylo–" She began to protest, turning her face from him.

But he was determined, always so fucking stubborn, and his hands flashed forward. His fingertips danced up her cheeks until his palms rested on her face and his fingers tangled in her hair. His touch was gentle but firm and she could feel the ache, years of need behind it.

"I didn't have a choice," She said as he forced her to look at him.

"You always had a choice," He replied, eyebrows pulling together tightly. "I just never thought. . ."

"You never listened," She shook her head. "I told you I wanted out. I told you over and over."

His blues flashed deeper hurt, "I never wanted you mixed up in all of that shit, Rey."

She closed her eyes once more, taking a deep breath as memories of whiskey, hollow eyes, and blood stained hands devoured her. She shook her head.

"I asked you to stop. Before I left, I asked you so many times to give it all up and leave with me."

"Do you understand what you asked of me? My family needed me–"

"I NEEDED YOU!"

Five years wasn't long enough to forget the trauma, the fear, the cold feel of a pistol beneath her fingers, the echo of shots firing. . . And everything she had tried to leave behind resurfaced. It was like a dam breaking, a tsunami pouring out of her, and she felt the release shatter her self control.

She shoved her palms roughly against his chest, pushing him only a step back but enough to stagger him. His eyes flashed but she was resilient – determined to force feed him some of the pain he put her through. She narrowed her eyes dangerously as he took a step closer and her hand shot out, cracking across his face like a whip.

He didn't even try to stop her.

"After all this time, you couldn't just let – me – go?" She hissed, her voice low.

The left side of his face burned red from her hand but his eyes weren't angry, they were hurt, "I love you. More than anything, I love you. You left without a word, Rey. Nothing. What the fuck did you expect me to do?"

She ran her fingers roughly through her hair and shut her eyes tight, "What did you expect me to do? Did you ever, even once, stop to think about what I wanted?"

He was quiet for a moment and when she opened her eyes, his face was guilt ridden. She almost laughed. "Of course you didn't. You only thought about what you wanted. You knew I didn't want to live like that anymore, Kylo. You knew."

Her eyes flashed over his shoulder to where his car was parked in her driveway; a beautiful, glossy-black Audi. She rolled her eyes and stepped away from him, a sick feeling in her stomach, "You still haven't stopped, have you? The guns, the drugs, the dirty money. Five years and you haven't changed at all."

He matched her in steps. She backed away, he crept closer, one hand outstretched to her, "I'll leave it all behind, if that's what you want. Whatever you want."

She stared hard at him, unsure whether or not he was telling the truth. Kylo Ren was a lot of things. He was powerful, anger fueled, intolerant, harsh. A calculated killer. He had the blood of his enemies permanently stained on his skin.

But Kylo Ren never lied to her.

Behind her, the front door creaked open and the tiniest voice whispered, "Mommy?"

She spun quickly, stepping in front of the little girl and whispering urgently under her breath.

Not now, baby.

And go back inside, Lei. I'll be right there, shh. Go.

When she closed the door once more and turned back to face Kylo, his face was pale and for the first time he had stepped away from her.

Disbelief.

Deceit.

Crushed.

"You had a child?" He whispered, and then his eyes grew dark. "Poe? You tossed me to the side, for what, for him?"

And before she could speak, before her feet could inch a step closer to him, she saw the realization physically wash over his face and his breath choked from his lungs painfully.

"Lei," He said slowly, unable to even look at her. "She's not Poe's child, is she?"

Rey's fingers were shaking again and she tipped her head slowly right then left, "No."

His eyes snapped up and sharpened angrily at her, "Did you know? When you left me, did you know you were pregnant? Did you hide my child from me? Is that why you left?"

There was so much she wanted to say to him in this moment, but she knew, without a doubt, that nothing could take away the pain he felt. The hurt on his face was more than a broken heart, lost love – it was as if she crushed his soul, his entire world. She wanted to tell him the truth; explain the blackmail, the consequences, and how she lived every day looking into her daughter's eyes and then cried herself to sleep with guilt.

He was wrong; she never had a choice.

She shook her head but couldn't make the words come out.

He would have forgiven her for leaving; she knew that. She knew it like she knew the sun would rise tomorrow.

He loved her wild, ruthless, forever.

But this. . .

She wasn't sure he would ever forgive her for this.

Not this.