Who You Will See, There in the Darkness

Mirror and Image

The single quality that is shared across every living creature on this planet: is fear.

Oscar understood fear from the moment he stared at himself in a mirror, studying his hair and wondering why it wasn't silver and then hearing, Oh, a thought that was emphatically not his own, followed by, Hello, I'm Professor Ozpin the headmaster of Beacon Academy…

He did not have the words for how he felt, what it was like to have thoughts that weren't his popping up in his head, the academic voice using big words and carefully constructed sentences. He was scared he was losing his mind, scared that he was going to attract Grimm, scared he would hurt his aunt. Ozpin was an intruder, could probably see everything Oscar ever thought or dreamed or aspired to while he, Oscar, couldn't see anything of Ozpin.

That will happen with time.

That was not reassuring. He didn't ask for this, didn't ask to have nightmares about some crazy fire lady completely immolating him, feel the ache of needing a cane that he'd never seen before, know the interior of a school he'd never visited. He didn't ask for the voice, Ozpin, to always quietly press the need to go to Haven. He was forced to listen to the situation - the relics were in danger, the schools needed to be protected, Haven was the most likely next target because Lionheart had dropped off all communications. The voice was inside his head, he couldn't ignore it the way he could ignore his aunt or an adult that visited. He couldn't hide in the loft or get lost in chores, because Ozpin was in his very thoughts.

As time went on, and he finally started to process the concept of fairy tales being real, of the legend of the four maidens and the Brothers Grimm, finally concluded that this was, in fact, real, a new fear took its place.

What would happen to him?

Ozpin's answers were always slow, tempered. The two of us will start to merge, as I did with my predecessor, and he before that, and she before that, and so on for thousands of years. I have been through this many, many times.

Except that didn't really help, because it didn't explain the hows and whys, would Oscar still be his own person? Or would he disappear? Hearing, a little of both, sounded cagey, insincere, now matter how sincere Ozpin actually sounded. Oscar would wake up in sweat in the dead of winter, desperate to know he was still him, and Ozpin always told him yes, you are still you, and sometimes it helped and sometimes it hurt, and Oscar would ask about Haven just for the distraction of it all.

The danger was frightening.

The idea of people being hurt was frightening.

The idea of leaving home was terrifying.

But… in the end… Oscar wanted to help. He had always liked the idea of being a hero like in the books: of being a Hunter that slayed the beasts and brought peace to the land. The idea of doing nothing… especially after his parents… He made himself sick trying to figure out what to do, but ultimately he had made the decision the day he decided to believe he wasn't going crazy.

And as he realized his decision, he realized it was right. Not just that it was the right thing to do, but it was right for him, and he wasn't sure if that was him or the other guy, and that was a new layer of fear all together.

Leaving home was a practice in fighting off terror, one step literally at a time. When he reached the main highway, the furthest he had ever gone from the farm, he had to stop and close his eyes, reconcile with what he was doing and go through the litany of reasons and feelings. Ozpin… Oz… he stayed quiet, and Oscar was relieved, crouched down and was almost sick: relieved that he wasn't going to nag or push him on, relieved that he let Oscar make this decision on his own terms. Oscar took a deep shaky breath, and put one foot further than he had ever gone before, and from a place that wasn't him he felt equal parts pride and burning regret.

Hazel - though he didn't know the name at the time, was another reminder of the fear: someone from Ozpin's past; if he knew about Oscar Bad Things would happen, be careful be wary, don't be stopped by such an insignificant obstacle. Oscar tried to ask about it on the train, but Ozpin simply said, All in due time, a parent dismissing an overly inquisitive child, and Oscar was still figuring out if he wanted to know the hows and whys or if it was just a sign of his ongoing existential crisis over his inevitable erasure.

Small things bothered him, but the biggest small thing was feeling feelings that weren't his own. The sight of an old man with a red cape on his back in a bar? There was such a swell of relief, safety, trust, friendship he turned around and walked right back out the door, pressed himself against the frame of the building and reminded himself of where and who he was. Ozpin tried to give him space, but Oscar could sense the anxiousness, too, to get his cane back, to talk to the old man, to learn what had happened over the winter. The fact that he could sense it was a new level of fear, because it was another reminder that he was slowly going to be strangled out of his own body.

And gods, his body. Getting off the train at Haven had led to Ozpin asking to be taken to a wayward back alley so they could talk.

There's something you should know, he said, and Oscar was starting to recognize the tone as bearing bad news that couldn't be softened. We are together now, in equal partnership. There is a not insignificant facet of that partnership that I usually avoid, but given the circumstances it would seem inevitable that this possibility would come up, and now is perhaps the best time to prepare you.

"Prepare me for what?"

… That there may come a time when I need to… to take over.

The chills that watered down Oscar shook his entire spine. "What? Just like that? You can just jump in and make me do whatever you want?"

It's not a fact that I take pride in - or even engage in, if I have the choice, and the voice sounded so hollow, so resigned, but all Oscar could hear was that even his own body wasn't his own.

No, Ozpin said quickly, I want to emphasize that before you enter a panic: I will always, always, ask permission, and you have the right to say no. If you reject my asking, then I will not take over. Had I complete say in the circumstances, I would never perform the act, but with the Academies under attack, several people will want to talk to me directly, and I do not find it fair to ask you to be a translator for hours on end. It would be faster for me to answer for myself. But only if you give your consent.

"I don't," he said, shaking. "I don't give consent to this. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this…"

Ozpin let it go, retreated to give Oscar space, but he could still feel the old wizard, sense him in a way he couldn't when he had first heard the voice in his head. He stayed in that alley for an hour, fighting himself to come to terms with this new sign that he wasn't going to have a say in his life. He couldn't back out now, not when he had made it all the way to Haven, not when the schools were still in danger, he had to put a lid on it and get a grip, he had to do something to help.

The old man, Qrow, had asked for a table and a bottle to celebrate meeting an old friend, and Oscar could feel sad gladness at the order.

"What's your name, kid?" he'd asked.

"Uhm…" was the intelligent reply.

The old man with a red cape studied him, eyes narrow and bright. "You never talked much about the whole reincarnation thing, Oz," he said as the bottle arrived. "But I remember you saying it took a while before you had permission to talk."

Oscar blinked, rearranging the words. "What… what do you mean by that?"

The old man shrugged. "He only talked about the reincarnation when he brought someone into his circle," he said. "He said sometimes it took a while to make friends with the new guy, and that it took a while before he was allowed to speak."

"... because he needed consent?"

The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Something like that."

Ozpin's presence was there and trying not to be, Oscar could feel a held breath - held his own breath unconsciously before he realized what he was doing. He looked down at the cane, still extended. He hadn't let go of it… he'd never seen it before but the sheer relief of it being in his hands again… a thumb was tracing circles at the base of the pommel, and he could almost tell that…

"If I say yes to this," he asked, "Will I come back?"

Yes, was the emphatic, heartfelt reply.

"Then… okay."

He could almost feel a hand on his shoulder, a squeeze, and then there was a woosh and a sensation of smooshing over and what's going on why do I suddenly feel so small?

It takes some getting used to, Ozpin said, even as he looked at the old man - Qrow - and immediately asked, "Did Miss Nikos survive?"

The conversation was lengthy, and heavy, and Oscar could hear it but not with his ears, he felt surrounded by Ozpin - was this how Ozpin felt all the time? How could he even stand it? And oh, Miss Xiao Long, "I'm so sorry that happened to your nieces. I'm sorry that this happened at all."

"Wasn't your fault, Oz, it was Salem's," Qrow said, looking down at his drink. "My being there didn't help."

"That's not true and you know it," Ozpin was saying, but Oscar wasn't sure how much more he could take feeling so small. He had never had claustrophobia before, but he wondered if that was what it felt like, and he needed out need to breath want my body back and then the woosh and smoosh went in reverse and he gasped and nearly fell out of his chair. Oscar looked down at his hands, moving them on his own, having agency again and he was actually back he almost cried on the spot he wasn't sure he was going to come back and this was all too much and what was going to happen to him and-

A hand placed itself on his shoulder, almost exactly where Ozpin's was when they... When they…

"Hey, hey, kid."

Oscar looked up and Qrow was there, relief safety trust friendship, and as flushed as he was, drunk as he was, he smiled, squeezed the shoulder. "It's okay kid," he said, vowels blurry. "You're in good hands. We'll keep you safe."

That was maybe the first time Oscar thought it would be okay. That things would work out, but he was still so scared of what was going to happen to him. He had to drag Qrow to a house, there were older kids there, and for several days Ozpin would ask for permission to take over, to explain parts of the fairy tale Oscar was living, to help him train his body because they didn't have time in this incarnation, Salem was moving and they all had to be ready. The training started to make some of it real - the other kids didn't hold back on him - didn't even seem to care that he was Oscar Pine, half the time they just called him "professor," Qrow sometimes called him Oz, especially when he woke up at night trying to make sure who he was and wasn't. He could feel Ozpin's regret, the sensation of having been through this over and over but still hating that it had to happen at all, and that was just as scary because that was a pretty specific, nuanced feeling, and that meant the merger was really happening and he was so scared.

Ruby was the only one who saw it - tried to help him and he just lashed out, all his anxiety pouring out of him. "I'm… I'm scared. I'm more scared that I've ever been in my life, than I ever thought were possible. I always knew I wanted to be more than a farmhand, but this? Who would ask for this? How can you be so confident? People have tried to kill you! The world's about to go to war all over again! How are you okay with any of this?!" It fell out in a great rush, She listened, and she talked, and he realized they were all afraid, but they were moving forward anyway. She had lost friends, but she could still stand up and fight.

… Could he do any less?

"Hey, Oscar? This isn't going to be easy, but the fact that you're even trying says a lot about you. You're braver than you think."

That was when he started asking questions.

He wasn't… he wasn't going to be just some vehicle for Ozpin. If he was going to be a part of this, really going to be the next incarnation, then he wanted a say in how it was going to happen. He asked Ozpin about Vale, the academies, how students were taught. He tried his absolute best during training, even when he was embarrassed, even when everyone else was so much better. He never felt comfortable giving Ozpin control, but he was getting used to it, and Ozpin… Oz… held true to his word: he always gave control back, gave him space to acclimate to coming back, he answered questions when he could.

Oscar Pine was going to have a role in this fairy tale, more than just being "the next Oz." He could do this.

… he could do this.

He saw Lionheart, hunched and twitchy, realized with everyone else just what he had done. His words were hesitant, Cinder's smug indictment of him and his face just full of regret… But he didn't deny anything - he was complicit in murdering Hunters, and he was complicit in there being no students. He was an adult, wasn't he? He was supposed to look out for kids, and he wasn't. He was a failure at his job, and something in Oscar twisted. Ozpin nodded somewhere in his head, he could tell, and he said, I'll help with your aura.

Oscar walked up the steps, heard Lionheart try to dismiss him, and he attacked a child. Ozpin activated Oscar's aura, and he extended the cane, and he fought. Ozpin was at his shoulder, quick instructions, barely words and more sensations, and Oscar. He agreed with Oscar, Leonardo, what happened to you, how could he have fallen so far when he had worked so hard - a Faunus Headmaster, the First Faunus Headmaster, how proud he had been at the accomplishment and now this.

Leonardo was muttering to himself, and Oscar could see the change, the shift from dismissal to action, and he realized that he was about to fight a huntsman, a real huntsman, and oh, what do I do now?

And, before the fear could take over, Ozpin: Fight.

But it all went wrong somehow - Jaune was screaming and Weiss was falling and Ruby was doing… something… before taking a hit and crumpling to the ground. What… how… they were hurt! Ruby was hurt, the one person who saw how scared he was that wasn't fair that wasn't right! He shoved passed the Headmaster, nearly falling down the stairs to get to Ruby, wake her up, get her to do that thing she was doing.

And then: betrayal.

Hazel was there shouting, approaching, cursing Oz's very existence, and Oz, patient up to that point, considerate up to that point, begged to take over, but no, Oscar insisted, "You said I had to fight my battles for myself!" But this isn't your fight, but what does that even mean, he blames me for what happened, then seeing the guy he hated would make everything worse, he's wounded in a way that cannot be healed, but Oscar had to try, he had to help people, that was who whole point-

I'm sorry.

It wasn't a gentle squeeze of a shoulder, it was a brutal shove, and all sense of agency Oscar had built up to that point was completely obliterated. His body moved of its own accord - it was so fast - and so powerful and the Long Memory felt so good in his hands and Hazel needed to be held back, keep his focus on me and not the children, this is my fight to bear, Oscar should not suffer for my mistakes, he will have to suffer enough as it is let me spare him at least this much.

Oz was overwhelming, Oscar felt like he was drowning in all the other emotions: we must keep the relics safe we cannot have them all in one place, I've already learned this the hard way, please please let no one else repeat my mistakes, this is supposed to be a safe place for students Leo, you let your fear take over, I'm so sorry, never should have gotten you involved, you were capable of so much more, Hazel I know your pain, please this won't make it any less, you have to acknowledge she's gone or you'll never grow past it, and Oscar could feel the difference in what Oz could do and what he could do. Ozpin was forcing his body past its limit, past his training up to that point, beyond and ahead to what Oscar's body could do in the future. He was fastforwarding to years of training and was Oscar going to be capable of this when he was older but oh even without the sensation of his body he knew Oz was pushing further than he was supposed to and this was going to hurt so much.

And then it was over, and the relic, the lamp, was there, and Salem's forces were gone, and Ozpin sighed in palpable relief, and collapsed in on himself, falling out of control and leaving Oscar stumbling back into his own body, desperate for air, out of breath, ready to pass out.

I'm sorry I did that to you…

He could barely hear Oz, the presence in his head was weak and thready.

We have to tell them… to take it… to Atlas…

It all blurred together in his head, he could barely see straight, but somebody caught him and he finally fainted from the strain.

Recovery was wretched. He was so tired, everything ached, and Ozpin just kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I promised only to take over when you consented and I broke that promise. I'm so sorry.

"Please stop," Oscar moaned. The regret hurt just as bad as his abused body. He rolled over, tried to get comfortable before he drifted off again. Ozpin was quiet again, but his presence never went away like it used to. He would sit up to try and stretch, and there would be silent nudges on what to stretch and how, and he knew Oz was trying to give him space but the space between them had shrunk. Oscar didn't want to hear the I'm sorry's, he didn't want to feel the regret, he wanted to sit in the fact that he had been shoved out of his own body, process it, understand what happened. He felt the hurt, the keen sense of betrayal, and he needed to feel every inch of it before he could listen to Oz' apologies.

Academically, he understood it. He was no match for Hazel physically, he barely had any training, he barely understood how to activate his aura, didn't even have a clue what his semblance was, there was no way he could win that fight.

But he wasn't trying to win a fight, he was trying to talk someone out of their rage. Auntie Em had done that, after his parents... explained that anger brought Grimm just as much as fear. There was a difference in feeling the anger and acting out on it - but he hadn't even gotten the chance to bring that up, barely had the chance to explain that Hazel couldn't blame Oz for his sister's death before Oz just… shoved him aside.

Was that all he was? Someone… something… to be shoved aside when it was inconvenient?

Absolutely not, was the reply. I meant what I said about consent.

"But I didn't consent," Oscar said.

I know…

He held his head in his hands. "I didn't consent…"

I'm so sorry…

He tried again, Oscar did, to trust Oz with his body. Small dialogues with Qrow, the giving of directions, but it wasn't the same. It didn't feel good - not that all that wooshing and smooshing ever felt good exactly, but the fear was back now. He was afraid he wouldn't come back, that he would just fade away. Oz asked permission on the train to handle the Grimm and Oscar resolutely said no way, he wanted to do this himself. Agency, that was the word he was looking for. He wanted agency, and he didn't want to lose it to Oz unless it was absolutely necessary.

It wasn't that he didn't trust Oz, it was that he didn't trust Oz. He couldn't put a word to it, during the recovery, had to work through the logic. He'd seen enough of Oz to know he didn't make his decisions lightly, he could sort of sense that his feelings on choice were more than just lip service to get what he wanted out of Oscar, but there were entire pieces about Oz that were off limits, all in due time: Hazel's story wasn't the only one, he could tell that, and there were pieces to the Oz puzzle that didn't fit. Oz learned things the hard way, maybe? Oz had been hurt before… ish? Oz was a good person - Oscar could settle on that - but there was a damage to him, something in him that was broken, and Oscar had seen what broken people could do when their cracks were touched.

He tried to ask about it carefully, but Ozpin shut him down every time. These are all excellent questions, he would say, and you will receive the answers all in due time. This entire process, as I told Miss Rose, is a strain on everyone involved. For now, I would rather the strain on me rather than you. We have many, many, other concerns right now, and I know some of my answers will be upsetting. Better to wait until we have a chance to breathe.

"Have you ever had the chance to breathe?"

… All in due time.

Oz was just as cagey with the others, too. Oscar couldn't even process the cover story, how much of the truth was there and still somehow all be made to a lie. He asked Qrow (relief trust safety friendship) about it as they were packing, if saying so much and so little was a good idea.

"I'll be honest, kid, it wouldn't've been the cover I'd choose," he said, running a hand through his dark hair. "But Oz has a way with these kinds of things, and he's never steered me wrong."

"But how do you know that if he doesn't explain it?"

… Qrow didn't have an answer, frowned and pulled out his flask.

Jinn was the first big clue. Oz was giving his explanation and Oscar knew it was a lie. He could sense it all over the sentences: the questions weren't all used up, and he demanded to know what was going on.

Knowledge, Oz tried to explain, is a great source of sorrow. I have asked her my questions, and I spent lifetimes coming to terms with what I learned. I wouldn't dream of hurting them the same way.

Oscar tried to accept that, he did, but Oz wouldn't even let the others carry the lamp, and that was when he realized the old wizard was scared, and that was somehow beyond the pale. The guy in his head was thousands of years old, what was there left to be afraid of? That was the first time he actively started looking through memories - had no idea what he was doing but was trying to figure out why Oz would be so afraid about something that he would lie, the guy who lived and died wanting his students to grow had something he didn't want to teach them and that wasn't right.

Stop. Please, Oscar, all in due time.

But no, this wasn't healthy, relationships were built on trust and trust was built on honesty. What was soooo bad that it had to be hidden?

Please, all in due time. You'll learn all of it, I promise… just let me…

No, what has you so afraid? So afraid of us? You can trust us!

"Do you really think Leo was the first? That I haven't been told those words before?" That I haven't been betrayed by those who swore absolute fealty to me? The pain there was so jagged Oscar almost didn't know what to do, but none of this was right and something had to change and he was scared of the secrets that were being kept, no please not like this, but it all has to come out eventually, yes, but not like this please on my terms in my own way, like I had any say with Hazel? Will you shut me up now like you did then, please it wasn't like that I was only trying to help I was trying to spare you, you're sparing everything! This has to stop! Not like this!

"Noooooooo!"

But it was too late, and there was a great cry of pain out of Oscar's mouth, but it wasn't his, and then.. And then…

Truth. Objective truth.

Oscar watched the fairy tale, saw the Brothers - Dragons - Grimm, watched the terrible curse be placed on him, them, saw his first reincarnation and he didn't even know his name anymore, Ozma just barged in with no idea who his host was and no thought or care, confused and completely ignorant that he had just shoved the owner of the body aside, used that body to go looking for Salem and all the terrible things that followed and so many lifetimes were spent mourning in one body after the next before he learned that his new bodies actually had souls of their own and ooooh what have I done and Oscar jumped as he realized the thought.

The vision ended and Oscar was still locked away, screaming and panicking, the fear he had slowly been putting away now completely renewed in ugly, visceral detail because he was going to disappear and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Oz was a parasite, a succubus that ate the lives of his hosts and Oscar didn't want to go! What was he going to do!

"Meeting you was the worst luck of my life."

Ozpin looked at Qrow, Oscar could see the older man's hurt, and relief safety trust friendship that Oz always felt melted into self-hatred self-loathing self-worthless-

"... maybe you're right…"

And he left.

Just like that.

Something deep inside Oscar shifted, and it almost felt like the world tilted and oh, his jaw hurt so much… everything was so empty and everyone was yelling at him and Oscar wanted to yell at him too but Ozpin wasn't there anymore. "It… it's like he's locked himself deep inside my head. Our head? I hate this! I want it to stop!" Let him have his own body back, let him have agency in his life, let him live! Don't let him disappear, don't let him suffer for that old wizard's mistakes! This wasn't fair! What was he supposed to do!

He didn't know how long he sat in the snow, trying to put himself together again. His head ached so much, and his hands were shaking, and how long was he going to stay him? It all bubbled up in a rush, and it wasn't until the old woman said the word Grimm that he thought to pack it all away. His legs could barely take his weight, his jaw was swelling something fierce, and everyone around him either ignored him or gave him dirty looks. He was nothing, he had no value other than a body for the parasite to live in. He was… He was…

"I'm just going to be another one of his lives, aren't I?"

Ruby tried to reassure him, handing him the cane and oh, why did he feel relief in holding it, tried to tell him he was his own person.

"Don't lie to him Ruby. We're better than that."

… He wasn't even allowed to have solace. And that was Ozpin's fault, too.

All he could think about was his approaching erasure, the blizzard whipping around him, and that he was in the back of the party and no one was looking back to see how he was doing. He was invisible to them. He extended the Long Memory and held it, desperate to feel something positive, to stop being so tired, so numb after it all. He hadn't felt this bad since his parents, the feeling of just lying in bed and not wanting to get up. He knew it was bad, he knew he had to do something, anything. He bargained with himself, tried to move even when it took so much work. Everyone left him alone, nobody spoke to him, and after months and months of having a voice in his head he felt muted disquiet. He slept alone, everyone else paired off and Qrow acting as watch. The old woman, Calavera, was the only one who seemed unconcerned with everything that had just been revealed to them.

… He was so envious.

For all his sleep the weight on his shoulders didn't disappear. He was still going to disappear, he was still invisible to the people around him - just a "farm boy," he was still going to suffer for someone else's mistakes. The thought of breakfast nauseated him, he was so tired, tired of not having a say in his life, tired of his ongoing identity crisis, tired of the existential dread of his inevitable erasure.

And then… the Grimm… the Apathy.

The further they drove away the lighter everyone seemed to feel - the girls were more animated, the conversation picked up…

But Oscar was still invisible. And Qrow was still drinking, and then they had to explain it to the others. Oscar dreaded the conversation as everyone had their sandwiches and caught up, laughing and joking. He rubbed the bruise Qrow had given him, could still feel echoes of Oz's self-loathing maybe you're right, and he hated the fact that he knew anything about Oz's state of mind. He wanted to be himself, he didn't want to be Ozpin, but no one seemed to make the distinction. Jaune even seemed to deny his very existence, demanding if he was really Oscar and not that liar, and Jaune was so tall and Oscar was so short and it was all broad shoulders and heavy armor and his toes could barely touch the floor and he was shaking and his head was banging against the wall and he didn't know how to make himself any smaller, how to look more passive to someone so much bigger and with so much more training.

And just like that he was back on his feet, and heavy footsteps were stomping upstairs, and everyone disappeared in the span of a few breaths and Oscar was alone.

Alone…

He took a breath and left himself, drifted through Argus without really seeing it, trying to process… process… he just needed time to process…

"I didn't want this…" he muttered, sitting on steps somewhere, the salty scent of the ocean in the air. He'd never smelled the ocean before, he should have been marveling, drinking everything in, but the only thing in his head was the certitude that he didn't have much time before he was erased and his body was someone else's.

… What could he do? He couldn't stop it, the curse was from a god, and Jinn had shown them how impossible it would be to alter his fate. Salem was still out there, determined to make everyone scared, divide them, prey on their weaknesses, and he was just fourteen years old. He had no comprehension of the enormousness of their task - even with a thousand-year old wizard in his head.

And now the wizard was gone.

And… and Oscar was glad. He was glad Oz was locked away, hiding. He could breathe a little, it felt good to have his head to himself, to have only his feelings to sort through instead of someone else's bleed through or overwhelm him. He thought back to the day he left his home, that one step further than he had ever gone. He had made that choice - Ozpin had let him make that choice, and he had a choice now.

He couldn't stop Oz eating him alive, but…

With Ozpin gone for now, maybe Oscar could do something to change Salem's machinations. He had tried before: trying to talk to Hazel, trying to talk to Leonardo. Maybe there were other people he could talk to - it wasn't like he would be much good in a fight - so maybe that would be his skill. He looked down at his hands. He still had to learn how to fight - he didn't want to be a liability, and that meant he would have to do more than land a lucky punch. He shivered. Farm clothes weren't meant for the cold of Atlas, and didn't Qrow say he'd put some lien into his account before they left Haven?

He had another mental crisis when he bought his clothes: fashion hadn't really been a blip on his radar - boots and suspenders and gloves helped with field work, a scarf in his pocket to wipe sweat, and something to hide the scars on his neck. He'd only really thought about practicality: warmth, tool belt, pouch to keep supplies, a harness for the cane. He made his purchases, and when he changed and saw himself in the mirror he saw…

Elegance. The coat was double breasted - that was the word, right? - with leather shoulder pads and brass studs and stitching.

Oscar wasn't elegant. Ozpin was. The merger was still happening even without the old wizard there.

Yet another nigh-on panic attack later, he reminded himself that this was all going to happen anyway, he had to make the most of it. He had to do his best. The rest of it didn't - well, the rest of it shouldn't matter. He needed to make himself seen, needed everyone outside of Ruby to realize he was Oscar first and not Ozpin. Cooking would help, Auntie Em's cooking was one of the few things that brought him out of his depression after his parents. Warm food, maybe a casserole.

When he got back with the ingredients Qrow was passed out on the steps.

Oscar crouched down, touched the older man's shoulder. "Hey," he said, "I can't carry you into the house. You need to wake up."

"Shhut up," the old man said, turning away from him. "Nothing I do mmatters. 'S all pointless. Never did any good…"

Poor guy. He was hurting as much as everyone else. Oscar wondered why Ozpin always felt relief safety trust friendship when he saw this man, what made him so special compared to Leonardo and Glynda and James and… Oscar frowned, who were Glynda and James?

The fear prickled again, and Oscar reminded himself of his decision: he was going to matter. Maybe the smell of food would help Qrow off the steps.

White sauce: cream, milk, butter; onions, spinach, mushrooms, carrots; beans were obligatory for protein, cheese and flour to thicken the sauce, he hated how long it took to hand-make pasta but he put in the effort. It took forever to cut everything up, saute and season - little tricks he'd picked up on the farm: salt, aromatics. He mixed in the pasta and topped it with more cheese before shoving it into the stove, taking a breath. That had felt good - he'd never be as good as his aunt but Ozpin had said that cooking wasn't a skill for his incarnation, and Oscar took pride that there was one thing he could kind of do that Ozpin couldn't. He sat in the main room with a book as he waited for the casserole to cook, wondered what the others would think. Did they know Oz couldn't cook, or would they even care? Jaune wouldn't, he hated Oscar now but maybe Ren… definitely Nora.

He heard a lot of noise outside, stuck his head out and all eyes immediately snapped to him. Uh-oh… what...

"Oscar!"

So many people all of them taller what was going to happ-

And he was buried in hugs. Laughter. Warmth. What…?

They… they had looked for him?

They… they had worried about him?

Oscar wasn't sure his cheeks could get any redder, and he had to explain the cooking - a hot meal after… after looking for him. They had gone looking for him... !

And then Jaune stepped forward. "It's my fault we were all out there in the first place. Oscar, I am so sorry, for earlier. I was way, way out of line, and what I said-"

"No," Oscar found himself saying. "No, it's okay." He took a breath. "These past few days, I've been scared of the same things you were." Stopping Salem, her indestructibility, Ozpin hiding it all, how to move forward. He looked down at his hands again, hands he could move on his own. "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be… me… but I did some thinking." He looked up, tried to make himself clear - he wasn't articulate like Oz, didn't have all those big words, but he worked to make himself clear. "I do know that I want to do everything I can to help with whatever time I have left."

If he was going to disappear, he at least wanted what he did to matter.

And Jaune smiled, soft in a way that Oscar had never seen directed at him. "Good," he said, voice watery. "This team isn't the same without you, Oscar."

And, for the first time in a long, long time, Oscar wasn't afraid.

Getting out of Argus was… well, there were obstacles. Qrow was still suffering, and Oscar wondered again what he and Ozpin were to each other that they had hurt each other so badly that day in the snow. That lady on the base was a problem, and the plan didn't exactly go perfectly.

But Oscar made decisions. He knew he would be a liability in a fight, so he went with Calavera in the air to try and figure out how that giant mecha worked, letting Ren know when to jump or Weiss know when to go to Ruby. His eyes kept moving, trying to figure out that cannon, and he shared his observa-

"Ruby move!"

Close… that was too close…!

He moved up to the front, buckling in. "We have to keep that mecha busy!"

"My eyes may be gone but my ears aren't," Calavera said, "We're supposed to keep a low profile!"

"I know," Oscar said, "But I think I figured out how to take out that cannon and-no!"

Weiss's summon, holding half the team, took a direct hit from the dust cannon and everyone scattered in the air, a wide arc that landed them back to the edge of the cliff. Except for one. "Ruby!" he shouted, pulling against his seatbelt. He scrambled for the ear piece as Calavera cursed and made a wide arc in front of the mecha. "Ruby, can you hear me? Are you guys okay?" So close, so close, too close…!

"Are we okay?" she demanded.

Oscar winced but explained what he'd learned, and Calavera picked up Ruby, and they made their assault by-

"Hey, Cordo! I've got one missile left and I know exactly where I'm gonna stick it!"

Oscar blinked, shocked to hear such language. And then the mecha opened all of its missiles.

"Are you two crazy?" he demanded.

"Sometimes the best approach is simply the most direct!"

Why was he surrounded by crazy people?

He didn't even have time to breath, Ruby made the shot and it missed, it missed, and then there was the crackle of dust and "Pull up!" but it wasn't fast enough the shock riddled through the entire ship and Calavera was groaning and there were sparks and smoke what was happening?! "My eyes! I can't see!" No, no, nononono, "Take the controls!"

Oscar was panicking, he didn't know how to fly a ship, he hands were on the yoke but he had no idea what he was doing and he couldn't read the screens they were all blinking in and out and there were two other people on the ship he couldn't let them down but nothing was responding what was he going to do, "We're gonna crash! We're gonna crash!"

And then,

Stay calm. It's going to be okay.

Soft words, but strong, too. The authority of an adult, a parent, and there was a nudge on his wrist, the sensation of how to use the steering yoke, and Oscar moved to the suggestions.

He held his breath, waited for the hand on his shoulder, the smooshing, but then there were trees and dirt and his body pitched in every which way and for a second he needed to understand up from down. They'd crashed. They'd crashed! But… but...

"We're…" He looked at his hand, watched it move under his own power. "We're still in one piece?"

Oz…?

It's exactly as Miss Rose said, you're braver than you think you are.

And then he was gone again.

Oscar looked inside, tried to find the presence, but it was locked away again, in that dark chamber, and he closed his eyes and tried again. Oz… Oz… are you watching? Why are you watching?

Silence.

… What was he supposed to do with that? How was he supposed to respond to that? Why did Oz do that? He tried to think back, tried to remember passed his own terror to what Oz had been feeling when he suddenly popped up. What had the old wizard been feeling…? Guidance - he didn't take over, he just sort of nudged. He was so calm in the face of the crash, the assurance had washed over Oscar enough so that he could think. And then, at the end…

It's exactly as Miss Rose said, you're braver than you think you are.

Was that… there had been a softness to the voice, Oscar almost thought he could remember feeling a pat on his arm - not a hand on the shoulder, that was a sign of being taken over - but a gentle pressure… encouragement? Oz was… trying to encourage him? Why? Was it because he… cared?

He dreaded telling the others, wasn't sure if they would want to hear it. But… he wasn't Oz, and he wasn't going to lie.

He tried to be clear: "He guided me." Didn't take control, didn't shove him aside, didn't smoosh him into a corner. "And then he was gone again."

He was a little afraid to look up, JNR was full of shocked expressions, Blake looked like she didn't know how to react, and Yang immediately closed herself off. "Does that mean he's been watching us the whole time?" she asked, voice low, accusatory.

"... I don't know," he answered, eyes darting at everyone. "But… at least this means he was looking out for us…" Right? That's what he was doing, looking out for them? Mad as he was at Ozpin for being a parasite… Oz didn't have a choice in this any more than he did, and even with everything that had gone down… Oz was still a good person. Oscar had to focus on that, had to remind himself that the guy who was going to erase him and take over his body wouldn't be some kind of cackling villain. He wasn't Salem, he wasn't the Adam guy that Blake and Yang talked about, he was just…

He had to take solace where he could.

Author's Notes: Well... after three weeks being stuck at home because of what we've artfully called Coronacation (if we make it funny we can stave off the existential dread) at eh very least we have time to type. Welcome to part one of an eighty page monstrosity of an examination of Oscar and Ozpin. The inspiration: Oscar's tone at the end of volume 7 when he says, "You're back, aren't you..." We read so much resignation there - so let's unpack that!

Heavy influence with the Fear song from the end of the volume, even the title of the fic.

Not much to say for now, just laying groundwork and trying to burn through the earlier volumes because we don't really want to rehash everything, but there are some distinct perspectives that we haven't seen covered in fanfiction yet (and trust us, we've been picking the Oscar and Ozpin tags pretty clean in our desperate need for CONTENT) that tie in to what we're building towards.

For those who don't know us: the fic is completely done and written. Five chapters; they'll go up once a week.

Next chapter: Oscar's agency in Volume 7. See you all in a week!