Author Note: Hello all! This is my first fanfiction ever, after many many years of reading. I've been working on this story since high school, on and off, and at 24 I finally decided to post it out for the world to see. If you want me to continue, let me know!
**trigger warning for mature themes, including non-consensual sex.**
I, Addison Jones, was not supposed to feel this way…especially about him. Yes, I had known him for six years. Yes, I was best friends with his best friend's. Yes, I spent a lot of time with them. But no, I could not think of Sirius Black as anything more than a friend. If I had learned anything over the past year, it was not to trust a guy with your heart. They would only take advantage of it and hurt you. There was no use; they were all the same. I had put my barriers up and I would not allow myself to be hurt again. No matter how sexy Sirius looked with his dark brown hair falling so messily into his steel gray eyes, flickering in the soft glow of the fire…the kind of eyes that I could just get los…no, no. Think about something else. Do not look at him again. It would probably be safest to go back to the first day of school. Stories are always better when told from the beginning.
*Hogwarts Express*
I look over at James, sitting on the bench across from me. He was sitting, just thinking. Everyone looked pensive today, I realized as I looked around. Well, we were returning to Hogwarts today. And it was our second to last year. Wait…it was our second to last year. We still had two whole years ahead of us. Why the hell was everyone so depressed?!
"Okay, what's up with everyone? You're all acting like this is our last year. Perk up, you're all bringing me down," I said looking at each of my friends in turn. James looked up, startled at my sudden speech. Lily, my best friend, looked away from James, who she had been not so subtly staring at for the past hour. Remus looked up from the book that he had been immersed in since we got on the train. And Sirius…well he just turned to look at me, incredulously.
Sirius snapped out of it the quickest. "Wait, so you'll actually talk to us now?" He said, rather rudely.
My defenses immediately went up, "What the hell are you talking about Black?"
"You randomly stop talking to all of us last year, ignore us all summer, don't meet us when we invite you anywhere, don't answer any of our owls. And then what, you show up here like nothing happened? I think we'd all like an explanation Addison." He flared up, his signature temper already making him lose control. I felt my breath hitch; I had hoped they would just ignore all of that. I felt memories coming back; memories that I had repressed all summer, memories that I hoped I never had to visit again. I felt myself start to shiver slightly, terror not quite setting in yet.
"Padfoot, you're taking it too far." James came to my defense, the dazed expression quickly leaving his face, replaced with a tinge of protectiveness.
"We're all thinking it! Why not just get it all out now? Why let the elephant in the room sit any longer; we all want answers. I don't even particularly like Jones and even I want to know what the hell happened." Sirius yelled back, anger evident in his voice. I didn't even flinch at this; I was used to Sirius yelling about how he didn't care about me. We basically hated each other's guts; but he was best friends with James so we were often thrown together. And right now, I was past the point of numbness. Nothing they said was going to affect me in this state. I was blinded by the demons that were coming back to haunt me now.
"I…can't give you an answer." I said, my voice hushed and full of repressed pain.
"Why not, Addie? You know you can tell us anything," Lily jumped in, concern displayed on her thin face. She reached over and put a comforting hand on Addie's shoulder. But it wasn't Lily that Addison looked at. She looked past her at James, who she knew could hear the pain she was in more than anyone else. With one look from James, Addison lost it. James was looking at her with a look that clearly said "I'm kicking someone's arse later". She felt James's protectiveness in that one look, and for some reason, this made her feel so vulnerable. She launched herself from her seat and into his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and felt him wrap his arms around her hips, holding her close to him. She rested her head on his chest and let the tears flow freely. She sobbed and sobbed, not quite aware of who else was in the room. Addison focused on his heartbeat and on the comforting circles he was tracing on her back. She knew she had to give some sort of explanation. She was never one to get overly emotional; in fact, she was often referred to as cold because she locked her emotions up.
"Now," James said, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look into his deep brown eyes, "what the hell is bothering you, Addie?"
"Umm… Jase broke up with me?" Addie came up with, wincing as she said his name. It still hurt too much to even think about what had happened.
"Seriously," Remus said. Addie had forgotten that he was in the compartment. "That's why you're upset? You ignored us because of that? Addie, we hated him! We would have thrown a party to celebrate the fact that he was out of your, and our, life."
"I guess, I was just upset that my boyfriend broke up with me!" Addie shot back, automatically defending him.
"Aww, poor little Addiekins, can't even take a stupid breakup." Sirius shot back, losing interest immediately. Addison looked at him in a pure rage. How dare he insult her like that! He didn't know even half the story! Just as she was about to say so, she clamped her mouth shut.
"Just because you feel no problem with just hooking up with girls and never actually forming a relationship, doesn't mean others don't genuinely get attached to people!" Lily screeched, sticking up for her friend.
"Guys, whatever. It's all in the past right? I'm sorry for going bonkers on you, but I just needed some space." Addison said this as she realized she was still curled up on James. "Oh…and sorry" She got off of his lap and fell back down on her seat, slightly embarrassed at her reaction to James. It wasn't like her to be so emotional. If she was going to get through this year without anyone noticing anything, she was going to really have to watch her emotions.
*Hogwarts*
"Baby stop fighting me. I know you want this." Jase whispered to me as he trailed kisses down my neck and ran his hands closer and closer to the edge of my skirt.
"Stop it Jase. Stop!" I screeched laughing, trying to move away from him just a little. Jase's hand froze but his lips moved down to my collarbone.
I shot up in shock and fear. I was trembling and drenched in sweat. I looked around the room and saw that all of my friends were safe in bed with their curtains drawn. I calmed down as I realized that I was safe. He couldn't get up into the girl's dormitory. I was safe for as long as I stayed up here. I fell back into a rough, restless sleep.
The morning came too quickly for me. Luckily, it seemed like everyone was willing to forgive me. They could all understand a rough break up; they were all just happy to have their friend back.
I tried my hardest to stall for as long as I could. I wanted to delay going downstairs for as long as possible. Lily got suspicious when I started curling my hair though; usually I just rolled out of bed and downstairs to get breakfast as fast as I could.
"Addie, is everything okay? I've never seen you be late for a meal before," Lily asked half laughing.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I just wanted to look nice for a change. Let's go," I turned the curler off and began to walk out of the room.
"And if you really wanted to curl your hair…why not use your wand? It would have taken like, two minutes" Lily asked, shaking her head.
"I guess I just forgot. Now come on, I'm hungry." I began to run down the steps in order to avoid any more questions. The boys were not waiting downstairs for us, as I expected. A quick search around the common room confirmed that Jase was also nowhere to be seen. I breathed a quick sigh of relief and walked towards the portrait hole. It looked like I had managed to avoid him and I breathed openly for the first time since waking up from that terrible dream. Me and Lily walked quickly downstairs, as I had taken so long getting ready that breakfast was almost over. We saw the boys sitting together down the table and slipped into seats next to them.
James was trying to do something weird to a roll of bread, Sirius and Peter were egging him on, and Remus had his nose stuck into a book. All in all, it was a normal morning at Hogwarts.
"Here she is. I knew Jones would never miss a meal," Sirius exclaimed upon seeing me. And the normal rounds of me and Sirius insulting each other was already starting.
"Nice to see you too Black. Looks like you finally figured out what a pig you are! It's been one whole day and I haven't caught you sucking face with some blonde bimbo yet. It must be a record." I replied casually, buttering a piece of toast. Sirius rolled his eyes and returned to his pancakes.
I took a bite of the toast and lazily let my eyes roam the Great Hall. I saw Mandy Dore across the way at the Hufflepuff table; the last time I saw her, she was sobbing in the bathroom after having been dumped by Black. I also saw Parker Davies, the dishy Ravenclaw seeker, sitting at his table with the rest of his Quidditch team. From the looks of it, he had been made captain of the team for his seventh year. I turned my attention back to the Gryffindor table and began to scan it. My eyes froze as I locked eyes with the boy I had been trying to avoid. There he was, sitting not five people down from me, looking as if he had no care in the world. My blood turned to ice in my veins as my body began to shake. After all this time, I was still scared shitless at the sight of him. Before I knew what I was doing, I was standing, nearly kicking over the bench I was sitting on. I had the eyes of all of my friends, but I also felt him turn his attention to me.
"I have to go. I'll meet you guys in Charms," I basically shouted at them in my panic and need to get away. I looked over my shoulder and saw Jase standing there with a small smirk on his face. As I turned to look back around, I saw that Sirius wore a puzzled expression. I didn't know what to make of that, so I just kept walking. I walked all the way up to the Astronomy tower, and by the time I got there, I had to turn around so I wouldn't be late to Charms. However, the walk did me no good, and when I got to Charms, my mind was still occupied with unwanted thoughts.
"What the hell happened to you?" James turned to face me. Just as I opened my mouth to respond with some lie, Professor Flitwick came into the room and I was saved. "Don't think you're getting away without an answer" James hissed, "You will tell me after class."
I spent the entire period doodling on the side of my parchment, pretending to take notes. The period was over before I had come up with a reasonable explanation.
"Seriously James, it was nothing. I just had a really bad stomach ache. Wanted to get away before I threw up!" I said quickly before he could question me.
"Are you sure?" He asked skeptically. I nodded enthusiastically.
"Stop babying her James. She's a big girl. She can handle herself. Right Jones?" Black said smirking at me as he came out of the classroom behind Lily. I rolled my eyes
"Go to hell, Black" I shot back
"There you go mate. She's back to normal. Her comebacks still suck." Black smirked again. I rolled my eyes again. We all made our way to Potions all the way down in the dungeons. I took a deep breath; thanking Merlin that Jase was a seventh year and thus I wouldn't have to see him in any of my classes. The rest of the day went smoothly as I kept this in mind.
My friends could still tell that something wasn't quite right. My eyes were darting all over the place in the halls, at dinner, and even when we got back to the common room. I was constantly on edge and anxiously watching the portrait hole.
"Addie, are you sure you're okay? You seem a little…uptight." Remus broached me cautiously.
"I'm fine. I think my stomach ache might be back. I'm going to go up to bed. Night" I said to all of the boys, hastily getting to my feet and running up the stairs to my dormitory. Although it was only 9 o'clock, I fell straight in bed in my clothes and was asleep in an instant.
"Stop it Jase. Stop!" I screeched laughing, trying to move away from him just a little. Jase's hand froze but his lips moved down to my collarbone. I stopped struggling for a minute, and Jase took this as an invitation for his hands to move under my skirt. I gasped a breath and pushed him away with all my might. But his hands were insistent, and wouldn't stop.
I woke up in a cold sweat, out of breath like the day before. My breaths came in gasps and I knew it was pointless to try to sleep again. I glanced at the clock. It was only 3 in the morning! I got out of bed and put on my robe. I might as well go downstairs to the common room. It will be empty and maybe a change of scenery will take my mind off of things.
But I was wrong. The common room wasn't empty. Sitting on the sofa closest to the fire was none other than Jason Whitmore, my ex-boyfriend.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here? Addie, it has been too long." Jase said, perking up as he saw who it was coming down the stairs. I froze as his voice reached me. His presence set chills down my back and I found it hard to walk forward.
"Hello Jase." I whimpered, trying and failing to keep my voice from shaking. Jase got up, smirking his signature smirk at me. My knees felt weak with fear and as he drew closer, my breath started to get caught in my throat.
"Why so scared? I'm not going to hurt you." Jase purred, getting even closer to me. And then, he was there. He reached up and pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. The gentle gesture should not have sent a shock of fear down my spine, but it did. He kept his hand on my cheek, his dark brown eyes searching into my own. I could see every strand of blonde hair, coiffed perfectly even this early in the morning, and I could count the freckles that dotted his nose. However, his innocent looks did nothing to deter me from what I knew he was. He began to lower his lips to mine, ever so slowly.
"I've missed you Addie. You always had the softest lips. I've missed being this close to you." Jase whispered, his breath in my face. I pushed against him softly, but knew it wouldn't do much good. He was too strong for me, especially when he was like this.
"Stop, please stop." I whimpered, but he continued to lower his lips to mine. They were almost touching when I hear someone coming down the stairs from the boy's dormitory. Jase froze, backing up slightly from me. He turned to see who it was and I sighed in relief.
But that relief was short-lived when I saw that it was Sirius who had come down the stairs. He gave me an odd look.
"Jones? I thought you said you broke up with this good for nothing prat? I guess you're even more desperate than I thought you were." Black said shaking his head and coming over to the sofa by the fire.
"Just because we broke up doesn't mean we can't still enjoy each other's company Black." Jase said, draping an arm over my shoulder. I shrugged it off and slipped around him.
I swallowed nervously, unable to find my voice. "I was just leaving Black."
"Whatever." He said from the sofa, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. I quickly made my way back upstairs, still shaking from the close encounter. Is this what it would be like the entire year? Being haunted in my dreams by the memories of last year, and stalked in real life. Would I not have relief anywhere? Why was Jase in the common room? Was he waiting for me? And why was Black up so early? So many things didn't make sense. I needed sleep.
I woke up just in time for breakfast. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, so I tried to slip into a seat at the Gryffindor table subtly. However, it didn't work.
"Hey, Jones! If you're going to have secret meetups with that prat, could you try to do it somewhere I won't run into you? I don't particularly like either of you, so it's twice as disgusting to witness." Black called to me from down the table.
"You WHAT? Since when are you talking to Whitmore again?" James screeched, looking up from his toast in shock. He got up quickly and came to where I was sitting.
"I'm not. It was a coincidence. I don't want to talk about it." I said hastily.
"Seemed like you two were getting pretty cozy." Black smirked, raising his eyebrows at me.
"I'm going to go." I abruptly stood up, grabbed my bag from the bench next to me, and nodded at James. "See you in Herbology." I left the Great Hall mere moments after entering. My appetite was gone; it had been happening all summer, whenever Jase was mentioned. I left the Entrance Hall and began the long walk down to the greenhouses. I walked slowly, I was still early anyway. I took a deep breath, enjoying the traces of autumn coolness that were beginning to permeate through the waning heat of the September air. I saw the greenhouses up ahead, with a few overambitious Ravenclaws already having made their way down. I averted my eyes, not wanting anyone to try to initiate a conversation with me. Not that I really had any friends outside of Gryffindor, the marauders had made sure of that. Not that I didn't love my friends, but they tended to be suffocating and prejudice. I approached the greenhouse and made my way over to a large boulder where we often sat when we were early to the class. By we, I mean me and Lily, because the rest of the marauders were almost always rushing in mere seconds before Professor Sprout began the lesson.
I began to idly trace a crack in the rock, looking off into the distance. I saw the forms of James, Sirius, Lily, Peter and Remus walking down the hill. I really hope they don't ask me for an explanation. It seemed that all I was doing lately was running away from meals; surely they must have noticed by now. However, they didn't say anything about that when they reached me. James and Remus were arguing about something in hushed tones, Lily was looking over the Herbology textbook, Peter was trailing behind pathetically and Sirius had a blank look in his eyes. Sirius had a habit of glazing over whenever he was in deep thought. Whatever, it doesn't matter anyway. James whispered something urgently to Remus, who shook his head ardently. Remus, who had been leaning in slightly to James, pulled back when he noticed me watching them.
"Hey Addie!" Remus said, clearing his throat roughly. I stood up and brushed any dust off of my robes, before nodding a quiet hello. Whatever they had been talking about, they clearly didn't want me involved, and I was too tired to bother asking. We stood, side by side waiting for Professor Sprout to open the greenhouse for their lesson. It was only a few minutes before they were allowed inside, but it seemed like an eternity; with the Marauders all uncharacteristically quiet. The class moved quickly, as they learned how to properly extract Snargaluff pods. Only a few careless Ravenclaws were injured, all in all a rather standard lesson.
Lily ran off after class in a huff, upset that she hadn't already known the proper technique for breaking open the pods, and heading off to the library to fix her careless mistake. I trailed after the Marauders, looking forward to a free period before Defense Against the Dark Arts. I knew that the boys must have been getting suspicious, as I had barely made it through a meal since returning to the castle. I, Addison Jones, notoriously arrived early to all meals, and was frequently the last diner to depart the Great Hall. If I didn't start acting normally, they would know for sure that something was wrong, and I really couldn't handle anyone knowing my secret.
"What do you guys want to do with our free period?" I asked, bouncing on my feet in an attempt to catch up. "We could always try to find Peeves and convince him to throw erasers at Filch again!"
"Nah, we already did that. We need something big for this year. I just don't know what yet…" James dismissed, trailing off weakly at the end, already looking deep in thought. If there was one thing that could get the Marauders off her back, it was a prank.
"Snape was looking particularly greasy this morning. Maybe we should force him to take a shower again?" Sirius suggested, snapping out of the trance he had been in for the better part of the morning.
James looked thoughtful for a minute, before he frowned and shook his head. "I really don't want to mess with Snape so early in the year. Trying to make a good impression on Lily this year," He said with a sigh, reaching up and messing up his already untidy black hair. I snorted, thinking he was joking. How had he not realized how much warmer Lily had already become towards him? Oh well, not my problem to get it through his thick head that Lily was just denying feelings she already had. Sirius glanced at me, upon hearing my snort, but let it go. How unlike him to let me off the hook for anything, and now that I'm thinking about it…he has been in a weird mood all day.
"How about we play some exploding snap, and keep ourselves out of trouble…for the first week at least?" Remus suggested, absently playing with his prefect's badge, as though that was giving him the power to interject into his friend's conversation.
"That's our prefect! Come on, if we hurry we can maybe find a good spot in the common room," James laughed, picking up the pace as they entered the Entrance Hall. The marauders hurried up the steps, making sure to skip the trick step halfway up the staircase, leaving Addison in their wake. She shook her head, and picked up the hem of her robes, running off behind them. Just like that, she had waylaid any of their suspicions. She hoped.
*One Week Later*
I managed to get pretty good at avoiding Jase. As he was a year older, he was getting ready to take his NEWT exams, which kept him pretty busy. As vile as he might be, he does value his studies and won't let something as trivial as me take him away from them. It worked out to my advantage that he seemed to spend most of his time in the library, and came into meals late and left early. I was almost always able to avoid sitting within speaking distance of him, and I found him much easier to deal with when there wasn't the threat of his cocky smirk and a "Hey baby," thrown my way. I slid into a routine, started getting some sleep, and managed to begin to feel normal again. I was no longer sneaking around every corner, in fear that I may accidentally run in to him. If James had noticed anything, he didn't mention it. Sirius went back to his normal indifference; I no longer felt that he was extra cautious or alert near me. Out of everyone, Sirius seemed to have noticed the most. Maybe it was because he was so used to me starting arguments with him over little things, that he noticed the silence more than anyone else. But whatever he had noticed, he seemed not to care enough to bring it up. I was thankful now that it was Sirius who turned out to be extra observant; I know that he cares little for me, and he won't care enough to bring it up to anyone.
I slid into my seat in Charms, next James, who sat between Sirius and me. At the table behind us was Peter, Remus, and Frank Longbottom, a rosy-cheeked Gryffindor who always had a nice word to say about someone. At the table next to us were Lily, Alice Prewett, and Marlene McKinnon. Marlene peered around me and James to wink at Sirius, who pretended not to notice. As she turned away, I swear I caught the beginnings of a blush on her cheeks. Interesting. Sirius had flirted with anything in a skirt for as long as I have known him, but Marlene has always appeared disinterested. I wonder when that dynamic had flipped? I suppose Sirius did look rather hunky this year, having come back from a summer full of swimming and Quidditch, but why was he suddenly not interested? Hmm, maybe I would have to pay more attention to that particular couple. I happened to really like Marlene, as she was always quick to return a sarcastic remark, and had her head screwed on in the right direction.
"Addie, did you see that Quidditch try outs are posted for tomorrow? Are you going to try out still?" James asked, smacking Sirius in he back of the head without looking at him. Sirius pretended to look shocked, before leaning back and joining the conversation.
"I'd have thought, given how she wouldn't shut up about trying out for the team last year, that Jones would have taken us up on our offers to train this summer," Sirius pitched in, rolling his eyes, "but alas, Miss Jones was far too busy for us."
I didn't feel like I needed to respond to Sirius, but James definitely deserved a response to his question. I fumbled around in my head, trying to pull together a valid excuse for why I couldn't try out for the team anymore. "I don't think I'll have time to play, with all of the studying I'll have to do for exams." I said, pulling out my books and waiting for Professor Flitwick to take his place in the front of the classroom; he currently was chastising Miranda Harting for shrieking as her boyfriend, Matt Lowe, transfigured her quill into a mouse.
James ignored the chaos ensuing a few tables behind them as he leaned forward onto his elbows and said in disbelief, "But, NEWTs aren't until next year! You talked all last year about this being the perfect timing to try out for the team! We desperately need a chaser now that Loraine has graduated, and I thought we had you in the arsenal just waiting to step up. This is going to mean I have to reevaluate all of the plays that Sirius and I came up with over the summer, while we hope that someone with some talent shows up that may be able to pull off the Rising Falcon!" James was getting animated towards the end; his panic that his precious Quidditch plays wouldn't work now that Addison wasn't going to be a part of the team was showing in his rising voice. When Loraine, their fabulous chaser who had graduated last year and gone on to play with the Holyhead Harpies, had passed the Captain's badge on to James, she had made him promise that he would find a substitute capable of pulling off their signature move, the Rising Falcon.
In all honestly, Addison wanted to try out for the team. She had talked about it nonstop last year, driving even Remus, who was as Quidditch obsessed as they came, into boredom. The problem was, she had also shared all of that excitement with Jase. She had shared her hopes, and dreams that she would one day wear the maroon and gold Quidditch costume and play for Gryffindor. It felt wrong now for that dream to come true, for something she had shared with him to come true. And after what happened last year, she didn't want anything to do with Quidditch ever again.
"I just don't think I'll be able to juggle everything. Besides, Quidditch was always more your guys thing." I said, shrugging, making it seem like no big deal. James was a chaser, and team captain, on the way to being signed for one of the professional teams. Sirius was a beater, and by the looks of it, he had filled in enough this summer to be an even bigger threat on the field. Remus didn't play, given how often he was sick, but he could tell you any stat for any player on any team from the last 50 years. Peter didn't play much, but he was always ready for a pickup game or to cheer his friends on. They were all Quidditch obsessed, but she was just as bad as they were; the only reason she hadn't been on the team in years before was because Loraine, two years above them, James, and Kelly Farrow, the year above them, had made up the dream team since her second year. She and James had both tried out for the third spot, but James had admittedly been better at the time; Addison was sure she could give him a run for his money now. Truth be told, all she had done all summer was practice drills.
"Jones, don't give us that shit. You love Quidditch, and you've been waiting for your chance to get at that spot since James beat you to it our Second year." Staring intently, Sirius shook his head at me. "Look how sad you're making James, he's about to explode" Sirius looked at James who was rocking slowly back and forth, holding his head, looking like Lily had just shot down another proposal.
"Can we just drop it? Flitwick finally got Lowe to give Miranda her quill back" turning and laughing, I breathed a sigh of relief as Sirius seemed to lose interest in me as Flitwick tried to climb onto his stack of books and begin the lesson.
We spent a fascinating hour learning about how to charm a teapot to sing Happy Birthday, a practical skill that will most definitely show up on our exam, but never be used in real life. I felt Sirius glancing at me throughout the lesson, while James scribbled anxiously, not class notes but Quidditch plays. I gathered my books and threw them into my bag. I turned to look at Lily, and she smiled at me as she meticulously packed her notes. We walked out into the corridor together, making towards our next lesson, Potions.
"Addie, please. You have to try out for the team. Come on, I will beg you if I have to!" James came hurrying out of the Charms classroom behind us, his parchments crumpled in his hands and his robes flying behind him.
"What do you mean? Of course Addie is trying out for the team," Lily laughed, pushing her red hair behind her ears and looking at James with an air of distaste for his disheveled state.
"Apparently, she is too busy this year to try out"
"That makes no sense. Addie, you talked about this for ages last year."
"That's what I'm saying! I spent hour writing plays that included her."
Sirius was suspiciously quiet as Lily and James bantered back and forth. He was looking right at me, his eyes soft. I didn't like that one bit. He was being too quiet this year, maybe he knew, or at least suspected, more from our run in with Jase than he was letting on. He finally jumped in when Lily started insulting James for "Clearly not understanding what Addison was saying, because his ridiculous hair covered his ears and he couldn't hear properly."
"Guys, it's Jones' choice. Clearly, she doesn't want to play anymore. Probably flunked all her OWLs, so she needs the extra time to revise this year." He said, deflecting from any suspicious of stepping in for me by insulting me. I was grateful for him, although worried that he had guessed there was more to my story than I was sharing. I'd have to come up with a better excuse, should he ever decide to confront me about it privately.
That evening found James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily and I sitting around the fire watching Remus and James play a game of wizard's chess. Sirius was flipping through a muggle motorcycle magazine, and Peter was staring at the still women photographed with his tongue basically hanging out. Lily was watching the game intently, because James was playing, and I took the time to zone out and stare into the flames. I really should be working on a particularly tricky Transfiguration essay on the proper form for turning human eyebrows different colors, but since no one else was working tonight I decided to give myself the night off as well. As I started into the flames, my mind began to wander again.
"Baby stop fighting me. I know you want this." Jase whispered to me as he trailed kisses down my neck and ran his hands closer and closer to the edge of my skirt.
"Jones. Jones. Addison!" I snapped to attention. Sirius was standing up in the now empty common room. The fire was dancing behind him, making his grey eyes shine in the golden light. He clearly had been calling my name for a while, but it was him calling me by my first name that got my attention.
"I know something is going on, Jones." He said, staring down at me sitting on the couch. I didn't answer. I hadn't come up with a story to tell him yet. He sighed, and sat down next to me. For a minute, he was silent as he stared at the fire. I expected him to snap at me, angry that I wouldn't tell him what was going on. When he spoke, it wasn't the angry outburst I was expecting, but in the softest voice I had ever heard him use. "I was kicked out of my house this summer. James took me in." He whispered, breaking the silence, still staring into the flames.
I turned to look at him, shock written on my face. Why was he telling me this? I hadn't heard any mention of this, meaning only James knew. Lily or Remus would have told me first thing if they knew, and Peter couldn't keep a secret to save his life. "I am so sorry. I only know through James that home wasn't great for you." I choked out.
"It just became too much for me. They're trying to get Reg into some dark stuff, and I snapped. Nearly cost me my life, but I managed to get to the floo and get to the Potter's before they could do any permanent damage. I spent the whole summer trying to process that the part of my life that included a family, even a family as fucked up as mine, was over. James tried to remind me that I still had a family, but I don't think I really knew what he meant until we got back to Hogwarts. You guys, even you, are my family." He said all of this in the most genuine voice I had ever heard him use. There was no trace of a joke, no trace of an upcoming banter, just pure Sirius. In this rare, sincere moment with Sirius, I felt complete comfort and safety. I had never felt this way around anyone, except James, before, and before I knew it words were stumbling out of my mouth without my permission.
"Something did happen last year, with Jase." I started tentatively, sneaking a glance at Sirius, only to see that he was already looking at me with clear eyes. I expected him to jump in with a sarcastic, condescending comment, but he waited patiently for me to continue. My mind wandered back to that night.
"Baby stop fighting me. I know you want this." Jase whispered to me as he trailed kisses down my neck and ran his hands closer and closer to the edge of my skirt.
"Stop it Jase. Stop!" I screeched laughing, trying to move away from him just a little. Jase's hand froze but his lips moved down to my collarbone. I stopped struggling for a minute, and Jase took this as an invitation for his hands to move under my skirt. I gasped a breath and pushed him away with all my might. But his hands were insistent, and wouldn't stop.
I slapped him hard across the face. He pulled away from me. But his eyes were full of a fury that I had never seen before. For the first time, I began to fear what he would do.
"I've waited seven months to do this! You will do this. Now shut up, people will be able to hear you if you keep making noise." Jase said, his face contorted with rage. His hands kept moving, and his lips didn't leave my neck. I stopped resisting him, hoping if I were complacent, he would make it quick and painless.
He did make it quick, but it wasn't painless. He left me on the sofa when he was done, and I sat there, not moving, not making a sound, until everyone else had woken up.
I couldn't tell him the truth of what had happened. I couldn't tell him how disgusting I felt about myself, how violated and dirty I felt in my own skin. How every night, I woke up feeling the ghosts of his fingers on my thighs, the whisper of his lips on my neck. How his voice hissing "I know you want this" echoed in my mind all day long. I could still feel my body aching as I sat on this very couch, comatose, for hours after it happened, trying to hold myself together. I shivered as I felt a hand land on my shoulder. I violently shuddered as I pushed the hand off, scooting as far away from Sirius as I could on the couch. I realized I had tears running down my face, and numbly realized that this was the first time I had allowed myself to cry.
"Don't touch me!" I hissed, tucking my legs up onto the couch, curving myself into a protective ball. Sirius lifted his hands into the air, looking at me like I was a wounded animal.
"Addison. I'm sorry, I won't come near you. What happened? What did he do to you?" Sirius said, his hands still in the air, a note of desperation creeping into his voice.
"You'll never be able to look at me again. You already hate me, can't stand me. If you knew what happened you'd think I was disgusting." My voice was shaking with sobs. Nobody would ever look at me the same way if they knew. If James knew, he'd think I was just as bad as Mandy Dore, or any of the other girls Sirius had slept with. I'd never recover from that, from James thinking I was easy.
"I don't hate you Addie. I never have, I couldn't. You're perfect! Top of the class, James's best friend, funny as hell, clever with a prank, and beautiful to boot. Hell, I was jealous of Jase for most of last year." I froze at his name, and Sirius realized his mistake. "I'm sorry, I won't same his name again. Please, tell me what happened."
I sat there, still sobbing and looked at him. I closed my eyes and figured it was time someone shared the burden with me. I was tired of holding it in, and Sirius was being so…serious.
I took a deep breath, tried to stifle my tears and began my story, "It was after the last Quidditch match last year. Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup, and we had that really awesome party to celebrate. You and James snuck in to Hogsmeade and came back with Firewhiskey, remember? I guess I drank more than I thought I had, I was so excited for you guys and so excited to get the chance to join a winning team." I looked at Sirius, and he was listening expectantly. He nodded, to indicate that he remembered the party, his brow furrowing as he began to piece together where the story was going.
"Jase told me he wanted to stay up late, and watch the sunrise. That was one of our things, the sunrise. On our first date, he snuck me out of the dormitory, took me on a walk around the lake, and we watched the sunrise together. He kept giving me drinks until I couldn't even sit up anymore. He kept pushing me further and further, and even though I told him to stop, he wouldn't. I was drunk, and I decided couldn't fight him off, so I lay there and let him do it. I let him do it, and now everyone is going to know!" In an instant I was sobbing again, unable to continue talking, the weight of what I had told Sirius finally falling on me, crushing my lungs. Sirius was up, kneeling in front of me, careful not to touch me. I hadn't even seen him move from his spot next to me on the couch.
"Addison, listen to me. You did not let him do anything. He raped you." Sirius insisted, "And this is his fault, not yours. You have every right to be upset and feel the way that you feel, but I want you to know that this does not, and will not, change the way I feel about you, or the way that James will think about you, or the way anyone will think about you."
"You can't tell James." I screeched, my hands coming down on Sirius shoulders. "Promise me. James can't know. James will kill Jase, and then Jase will take it out on me."
"Someone needs to teach him a lesson, Jones! If he comes within 10 feet of you, I'm going to do something about it. He doesn't come near you, he doesn't talk to you, and he definitely doesn't touch you. If he does, you tell me. I won't tell James for now, because it is your decision to tell whoever you feel comfortable telling, but I do hope you will tell him. He loves you, you're the sister he never had, and he will probably kill me for not telling him." Sirius took my hand, which was leaning on his shoulder still. He intertwined his fingers with me, hesitantly, waiting for my reaction. The contact didn't make me panic, like I thought it would. It felt nice to let someone touch me again, in a gentle, caring way. I threw my arms around Sirius and just held on for a moment. His arms tentatively came up to wrap around me, returning the hug.
"I'm sorry your parents are too small-minded to realize that they have a wonderful, brave, strong-willed individual for a son." I murmured, breathing my words into Sirius's chest. I felt him laugh, and his hands rubbed a quick circle on my back before he leaned back, breaking the hug.
"And I'm sorry that that pig did this to you. And I'm sorry for being such a jerk when we got back on the train. This summer should have taught me not to assume anyone's situation." Sirius apologized, smiling astutely and standing up. He stood awkwardly in front of me for a couple of seconds, both of us basking in the oddity of the bond we had formed tonight. Out of all of the people I had pictured telling my secret to, Sirius Black was the last person I had ever envisioned. But, there was no denying it now; Sirius Black was much more than meets the eye. He nodded at me, not saying a word, turning towards the boy's dormitory.
I sat for a while after Sirius went upstairs, my heart beating strangely in my chest. I realized that for the first time since that night, I felt… calm. Like a major burden had been listed from my chest, allowing oxygen to flow freely to my lungs again. I caught myself thinking that Sirius Black may be more trouble than I had ever imagined.