"Oikawa," Iwaizumi started, pressing their foreheads together. "You are so loved."
I don't wanna be. If it's not you, I don't wanna be loved at all. But the words wouldn't come.
"I think we need a break from each other."
Oikawa took a ragged breath that burned. "Okay."
The words rang in his ears, drowning out the television and the sound of his sister talking.
Oikawa was both curled up on the couch and cast among the stars, mulling over what went wrong with Iwaizumi, where they messed up.
Since childhood, they always orbited each other, naturally gravitating to each other. With Iwaizumi gone, Oikawa's world was thrown off track, spiraling out of control.
They were shining stars from elementary school through to college. What happened?
Oikawa knew that once stars died, they burst into supernovas, whirlwinds of color that painted light onto the skies and spilled stardust across the cosmos. And he'd already burst. Not in the sparkling brilliance like he'd imagined, but in a violent explosion, spewing toxicity in the mockery of a halo.
After supernovas, a star's one last huzzah, black holes were all that remained of the star. And now, wrapped up under a blanket, leaning into his sister's side after venting and pulling her into his mess, he felt like a black hole. Empty. Selfishly consuming, consuming, consuming. Was that where something went wrong with him and Iwaizumi?
"Hey, Tooru, are you listening to me?" Oikawa's sister's voice brought him crashing back to earth.
"Yeah, Nee-chan." Oikawa hummed absentmindedly.
Naomi sighed knowingly. "Look, I know I've rambled a lot and you've probably tuned out by now, but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes… sometimes it just doesn't work out. And that's alright, and it's okay that you feel this way."
Easy for you to say. Oikawa knew that she was right, but it didn't stop the bitterness from rising to his mind. You married your high school sweetheart. Mine left me.
At Oikawa's moody silence, Naomi began combing her fingers through Oikawa's hair, like when she would hog the good comb before school, and then hastily run her fingers through Oikawa's messy bedhead to appease their mom. But now it just reminded him of Iwaizumi, and his chest hiccupped painfully, but he didn't stop her.
"But, Tooru, if you wanna fix it, you can't just sit here moping forever. I know that look on your face. Snap outta your doom and gloom phase, and get into your I wanna fix it phase. Before Iwa-chan leaves for good."
Oikawa stared resolutely at the screen, even though he couldn't make any of it out, his vision too clouded by tears. He wasn't sure he wanted to see it either- it was a meteor shower announcement, and Oikawa normally would've been glued to the screen. But right now it was just a painful reminder of what he was- a falling star. Would he burn up in the atmosphere? Or shatter on impact? Then he'd just be a meteorite, not a star. But either way, he'd crash, right?
"At least clear the air with him- Iwa-chan can't be another grudge of yours."
"He's not."
"Good. That kid has a good head on his shoulders." Naomi reached over and pinched Oikawa's cheek. "Better than yours, at least. Doesn't overthink things and mess things up."
"Nee-chan!" Oikawa fended her pinching fingers off, hurriedly wiping the moisture from his eyes. "I'm in mourning here! You can't kick me when I'm down!"
Naomi laughed, smacking his hands right back, even though she was an adult adult, with Takeru and everything. "You idiot alien," It'd been forever since Oikawa heard that nickname. "Knowing you, I think you might have some apologies to make."
Oikawa was cocooned under a blanket in his childhood room, breathing in the warm and thinning air. The phone in his grasp was a gleaming sun, impossibly heavy and blinding, even though it was on the lowest brightness setting.
His finger hovered over the call button. Should he call? Would Iwaizumi even pick up? Would Oikawa even know what to say?
Shoulder growing sore, he rolled over, but his hand brushed the blankets and the phone slipped from his grasp, landing face up on the mattress. The call screen popped up, dial tone droning. Oikawa's stomach dropped. He scrambled to pick it up to cancel, but then the receiver crackled to life, and Oikawa slowly held it up to his ear.
Iwaizumi had answered.
"Oikawa?" It was weird hearing that after years of Shittykawa and Tooru.
"Iwaizumi." It was weird saying that after years of Iwa-chan and Hajime.
"What is it?"
Oikawa shut his eyes, even though it was already dark under the covers. Like this, he could imagine that he was suffocating in space, drifting out of control, the heat of the sun growing closer and closer. But he was too heavy.
"I just-" Oikawa gritted his teeth, hurtling through space yet buried under heavy blankets- "I wanted to say-"
The other end was silent, but it was easier to speak like this, like he was screaming into the vacuum of space, where no sound traveled, where no one could hear his voice growing hoarse.
"I'm sorry," He whispered, "I'm sorry I tried to stop you from going to your internship in America."
Still silence.
"I was scared. I'm still scared."
Iwaizumi's voice came, tinny and compressed by circling satellites. "...of what?"
Of you getting sucked into the orbit of another galaxy, lightyears and lightyears away. Of losing you.
"Oikawa, if you're thinking something dumb like losing me, you know that's not happening."
"Oh."
"You're in Miyagi, right? You sound like you're hiding under the covers at home."
"Y-yeah," A spark of tentative hope flickered in his chest.
"Yeah, I'm in Miyagi, too. I couldn't stand the sight of our apartment for a bit."
Elation bubbled in his chest. Did Iwaizumi not want to be seperated, too? Did he change his mind...? But he stopped the thought in its tracks before he could get too ahead of himself. Nah, that'd be too good to be true.
"Do you wanna meet at that hill we used to stargaze from? I heard there's a meteor shower today."
"The one near the volleyball courts?" Oikawa asked, throwing the covers off, though he already knew where Iwazumi was talking about.
"Yeah, I'll see you then." The call disconnected, and Oikawa thundered down the stairs, past his mom and sister chatting in the kitchen.
"Tooru! Dad's gonna be home soon, dinner's gonna be ready- where you headed?"
Putting on his shoes, Oikawa shot them a quick look over his shoulder- "I'm meeting Iwa-chan!"
Naomi shot their mom a look, but then Oikawa was already flying out the door and into the night, peeling past the street corner where Iwaizumi and Oikawa split after walking home from school, past the old convenience store where they bought ice cream after practice, past the park where Iwaizumi had caught his first stag beetle and chased Oikawa with it, past the volleyball court with its dirty and tattered net but unblemished memories.
Oikawa slipped on the muddy grass running up the slope, jarring his knee and smearing his jaw and cheek with mud, but he rose and kept going, reaching the crest of a hill that peaked above the treeline and the rest of the town
Iwaizumi was there, a dark silhouette against the lights of the town.
"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa called out breathlessly, and Iwaizumi turned.
As Oikawa drew closer, Iwaizumi's eyes narrowed, honing on Oikawa's face. "Did you trip on the hill?"
"Noooo," Oikawa lied easily, wiping his muddy hands off on his shorts.
"If you say so, Shittykawa."
"Anyway," Oikawa said, trying to push down the sheer giddiness of relief quirking his lip. "I didn't expect to see you here in Miyagi- I thought you would've stayed in Tokyo?"
Iwaizumi sighed, and Oikawa's eyes were drawn to the movement, seeing the slope of his shoulders rise and fall against the glittering background, knowing more than seeing the way his lashes slanted down when his eyes were downcast like that. "I had to get away for a bit. The moving boxes…"
Oikawa knew the feeling too well. He had walked into the apartment, seen the boxes, the memories of Miyagi, of volleyball, of them, being taken off the walls and sealed under layers of plastic, and gotten so, so scared. The fear had gripped his throat, squeezing out vile words he regretted the moment they spilled past his lips. And at the end of it, heaving and shaking, he had fled.
"But you know I'm still going, right?"
"Yeah," Oikawa swallowed past the lump in his throat. The disorientating feeling of floating yet being too grounded was back. "I know."
"It's not gonna be for long."
"I know." The pinpricks of light unfocused, swirling galaxies spinning into view.
"We'll stay in touch." A waver. Through the blur, Iwaizumi's fist clenched, like the time they lost nationals, regionals, each other.
"I know." Oikawa choked out. Stay in touch like a control center to the ISS? Or like unanswered signals to life outside earth?
"If we're okay, I'll just come back faster. To home." To you. Iwaizumi didn't say it, but Oikawa felt the sentiment in the way Iwaizumi's words cut off when he inhaled sharply.
"You mean like gravity assist?" Oikawa reached out for Iwaizumi's fist and grinned- or tried to, his mouth twisted and his lip trembled.
"Wha-?" Iwaizumi laughed wetly, not protesting when Oikawa took his hands, unfurling them from clenched fists to splayed fingers. "Shittykawa, you know I'm not as into astronomy as you. Are you talking 'bout that thing where astronauts use another planet's gravity to slingshot back to earth?"
Oikawa nodded, too choked up to speak. Instead, he played with the palm in his hands, passing his fingers over the familiar bumps, the rough but gentle skin. He'd always thought that Iwaizumi's spikes had the strength of comets, punching through layers of atmosphere with devastating impact, grounding the ball in a smoking crater.
Iwaizumi sighed fondly, circling his free arm around Oikawa's neck, dragging him down to arm level to mess up his hair. "Yes, you big nerd, like a gravity assist. I'll come back home." The hand stilled. "Ah- I just saw some light in the sky. I think the aliens are here to pick you up."
"Iwa-channn," Oikawa protested weakly, laughing through his tears. "You're making me miss the meteor shower!"
Iwaizumi released him, and Oikawa straightened up, their hands still linked. Sure enough, the skies danced with flashes of light, short lived streaks blinking in and out of existence.
Under the falling stars, he gripped Iwaizumi's hand tightly and Iwaizumi squeezed back. A wish. A promise.
I'll miss you.
Oikawa fidgeted in the arrivals, twiddling his fingers and fumbling with the hem of his shirt. He scanned the sea of tired passengers, looking for a- there!
His hair was cropped a bit shorter, the deep-set scowl made worse by the eyebags from travel, but he was still the same as before.
Their eyes met, and Oikawa almost tripped when they rushed towards each other, as if connected by the insistent pull of planets.
Years later, they still pulled together, sure as orbiting. Their hands joined, rings clinking.