s. arias
1. I was hollow and empty as the spaces between stars.
Reign is gone.
They tell her this, still, it gets better just as much as it does not.
Life after Reign almost goes back to normal. Almost, being the keyword.
Sam returns to her CFO position, and goes back to being a mother. The bond between her and her loved ones is stronger. Everything seems to be right again.
Except for the fact that the thought of Reign weighs her down inside.
Among the distraction of work, and Ruby, and the friends she has made, there are times when the thought of that villain sends her into a spiral. There are moments when she's laughing at something Lena said, or chasing Ruby around the house with a water gun, and she'll remember a specific part of horror from Reign's reign of terror. Her smile will go away. Her laughs will die down as quickly as they came.
It's unsettling how terrible she can feel surrounded by good people and happy times.
Lena confirmed she is completely human, but she can feel the ghost of Reign's power on the very edge of her skin. It disgusts her, but she's still Samantha Arias. Still Sam, right?
She acts like it, but it doesn't feel real sometimes.
She has bad days.
Not blackout days. Not like anything before.
It's more that when the sadness and the guilt creep in, she no longer can come back from that feeling until she sleeps it off; starts from scratch the very next day.
Today isn't the best, but there's a meeting and so much other business related things piled on the desk. Lena cleared her to get back to work, but it's not like before. Three days in the office at most, and absolutely no work from home. She wants Sam to have the distraction and the normalcy, yet she doesn't want her to overdo it. It doesn't matter how many times Sam says she's fine.
Sam doesn't get nap times here. Though when the meeting is over, and the workload has shrunk down to maybe only two more hours left tops, she allows herself a break. She's not much of a drinker during business hours like Lena shamelessly is, but she feels a little hollow, a little empty; enough to find today as a good enough exception to break that tiny rule. She's buzzed when her phone signals that she received a message.
It's Alex.
Of course it is.
Sam may be back, and Alex may be the director of a secret government agency, but she checks in every other day without fail. In texts, or through calls, or in person. Sam can tell that Alex is low-key embarrassed, but she took care of Ruby; kept her safe, and she's a true friend.
You doing okay?
She bites her lip in hesitation while her thumb hovers over the letters. It's a loaded question. One that Alex asks consistently.
Normally, she replies with 'yes', and other times she replies with mostly except for whatever is stressing her out that day. Whether that means dealing with a pre-teen, or stubborn and cocky business men.
How does she explain that most days she is doing alright, but there's always an underlining of something in her emotions. That kind of something that was caused by someone else. Alex knows trauma – has had her own dose of the vile stuff. She should be aware of how difficult it is to deal with, to try and form into words how she feels and what she thinks without losing the other person in conversation or making them feel awkward because they think you're insane.
Is that a trick question?
Alex doesn't text her back at the reply, and she swallows down another mouthful of liquor to wash away the feeling of disappointment.
Laying in the recovery table in the DEO, she had told her daughter that she could handle anything. "Your mom's a badass." That's true, right?
As twenty more minutes pass, she finds herself sitting on the floor with her back resting against the solid frame of the desk, and looking out the window. Then there's a knock on the door and a pause before it opens. She hears her name being called softly.
"Hey," Alex says quietly, wide warmth filled eyes and face full of concern, as she rounds the desk and finds her.
"Hey," Sam mumbles back, a smile not quite real on her face. She wants it to be, but today she just can't. "You didn't have to come all the way over here."
It's not that she doesn't want Alex here. She likes Alex. She's comfortable around Alex. She thinks she must have always been; she lets her in way too easily. But Sam doesn't want Alex thinking she always has to save the Arias family. Sam knows she'll say it's not like that, but Sam still doesn't want to be a burden. Alex has done so much for her and her daughter already.
Alex doesn't reply with words. Instead, she scoffs and sits next to her, their shoulders solidly pressed together. She takes the bottle from the other side of Sam and takes a slow swig. She's cut back since deciding to adopt. It's hard for her, despite not verbally admitting a problem, but it's there and Sam can see it.
Alex is determined, and caring, and so, so strong. She broke her own heart for the chance to have a child. She'll do what it takes to make an excellent mother.
The two of them stay there for awhile, and she can tell that Alex wants to ask so many questions. Her concern is evident on her face, but she's stalling and Sam thinks maybe it's because what is wrong is so clear already without saying it. It's Reign. Perhaps, it will always be Reign. So, Sam decides to break the bubble surrounding the two of them before it becomes overwhelming.
"I don't know how you're still being so kind to me."
Alex looks up from where she was concentrating on picking the label of the liquor bottle with a frown, acting like she has no idea what Sam is talking about. It's sweet – the way Alex is convinced she isn't a monster. And, okay, maybe she isn't a monster, but Reign certainly was. The disturbing about monsters is that they are never forgotten.
"After what has happened, you'd think I'd be treated differently," Sam laughs a little, but there's no humor behind it.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
Alex is persistent, and confident, and today her words feel so, so wrong.
"Then why does it I feel like I did?" Her voice cracks terribly, annoyingly, during her words.
"It's because you care. That's who you are, Sam."
"But there's been destruction, Alex. Kara was hurt. How can you just forgive that?"
"Well, that's simple," Alex says, tilting Sam's chin up and gently brushing something under her eyes. Sam didn't even notice the tears. Alex must be satisfied with what she sees next, because she looks so sure when she says, "You're not the one who needs to be forgiven. You're a hero, Sam."
It's a lie, Sam thinks, but then again maybe it isn't and Alex has cupped her cheek with her hand now. It's secure, and Sam leans in to it, lets herself feel the brush of her thumb and tries to settle to some form of peace. It's a lie, she thinks, but she fights against another war inside her body to agree with Alex.
Ruby is a smart kid.
She reads people far too accurately for a pre-teen. Certainly, she is aware of the bad days. Sam tries so hard to keep herself together around her, but Reign has been the hardest obstacle she has ever encountered.
Being back around her child is grounding, and to her, each second is a lifetime. It breaks her heart knowing that her bad days break Ruby's.
This morning her mind spaced. For a moment she was getting breakfast ready, stirring the batter for pancakes, and by the next she was burning the ones already on the stove. She's cursing up a storm trying to salvage the food, and she chucks them in the trash with frustration when it's obvious they aren't edible.
Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Ruby hovering in the doorway.
She holds her breath, waits for her daughter to get closer, and she almost wants to scream out at herself because Ruby is timid. Her fear is evident, and it brings out the worst feelings Sam has had yet.
"Mom?"
The way she says it makes Sam think she's checking for reassurance. That she may believe that Reign is back. But she's still Sam.
Right?
She tries to hide her tears behind a smile, nodding her head. "Come here."
The hug they share could rival the beauty of watching snow fall delicately onto the branches of trees. For a split second, her world becomes whole again because Ruby is very much the source of her will to survive.
Ruby mumbles into her shirt, "You okay, mom?"
"Yeah, baby. I'm alright." She rubs her hand up and down Ruby's back, pressing a kiss to her hairline. "It's just hard sometimes."
"It's a good thing we're a team. You can lean on me anytime."
Lena is with her most of the time.
The CEO worked hard to free her from Reign's clutches. The first one to know she wasn't truly Reign, to fight for her life, to not judge her story with malice. Lena is her oldest friend, and she's hurting, but she smiles at her over test results (they said it would be best to have a weekly check up) and Sam can't help herself from loving her.
Alex had dropped by earlier, Supergirl by her side, to check in on Sam before taking off to save the world once again.
Lena tries to be nonchalant, but one look at the uniformed hero and she sees something in those intense eyes before the walls extend higher. Lena likes boxes to contain her feelings, but Sam knows it's because Lena's heart is a large yet fragile thing and when she's hurt she reacts by acting like it never even hurt in the first place. She can be cold and it may seem cruel, but nobody ever said protecting yourself would be clean and sweet.
Things have been a little less tense between them after their lives settled down, but Lena hasn't actually forgiven Supergirl. That trust is still lost in the wind of a red cape.
Supergirl meant a lot to her.
Sam remembers Lena telling her how they had become friends. How she never quite saw such profound hope in Lena's eyes than in that moment – one where being more than just another terrible Luthor had become something greater than a notion. Lena never really did think highly of herself inside, yet their dynamic improved it. They were friends, and now they are ruined. Maybe they always were.
They are Supergirl and Lena. Whatever that means, Sam is not for sure because it's complicated and complex and she knows who the superhero really is, but Lena does not.
Lena can't trust Supergirl the way she did before, but Supergirl is Kara Danvers and Lena loves Kara Danvers. Sam may be Lena's oldest friend, but Kara Danvers is Lena's closest friend; her best friend that has been lying to her since the beginning. Sam bites her tongue, because it's not her secret to tell, and she hates that she knows it. It feels like she's lying to Lena too.
It's for the best, they say, to put her in the training room with Alex.
It's for multiple reasons, but mainly for her protection just in case someone finds out her connection to that monster, and because her friends believe she needs a release from the trauma the villain has caused.
Reign has fought them, put fear into their hearts and wouldn't hesitate in trying to destroy them. Sam wonders if Supergirl will ever be able to look at her without showing even the slightest bit of fear.
Sam remembers things better now without Reign taking over her life. She remembers how Reign held Supergirl over a building, letting her dangle there like she was only a paper plane poorly crafted and about to be let loose despite it's clear failure. She remembers how easy it was for Reign to let her go, watching her fall and fall, the way she hit the ground, and how National City was loud and quiet in that moment. Panic rising at their heroes fall, and astonishment that it was even possible.
Alex isn't scared of Sam. This the CFO is sure of. But, she knows Reign has created a paranoia for everyone involved, and even the thought that she could come back (regardless of if that is an actual possibility or not) is at the back of everyone's mind.
"Don't go easy on me," Alex says lightly, a teasing tone and small smirk on her lips.
Sam isn't sure she wants to be here anymore. In this room. In this life, a voice in the back of her mind whispers. That pisses her off because no, she has come this far. She went and stabbed her demon in the back – literally. She fought to be here, and as the anger boils over she decides she will fight again to remain here. She deserves to. At least, Ruby deserves her to, because Sam is still her mother. Still Sam, right?
Her first swing is fast and messy, and Alex easily dodges it.
Alex teaches her the right stances, and even comes up behind her to help get her body situated. As she guides her into positions, Sam can't ignore the way her skin feels on fire from the Director's hands. Mentally, she corrects herself.
Alex is a friend helping her out. But it has always been her bodies best interest reacting to someone so attractive – it's been a long time since she's taken someone to bed. It's been even longer that she's had a romantic interest outside purely physical. Though, she doesn't think now is the time to think about that regardless if she is interested or not. She's still recovering, and so is probably Alex.
The both of them have been training for hours.
Obviously, she is nowhere close to being on Alex's skill level, but she's starting to get the hang of it.
Alex swore that this is the last round, but Sam can feel her body is getting tired. Alex tries to motivate her to keep going by using her words. She tries mentioning several things to get under Sam's skin – keep her inner fire alive. It's when Alex mentions the possible dangers for Ruby that her inner fire gets doused in gasoline.
It's quick – she doesn't even think about it – when she sees an opening, and her hand wraps around Alex's neck. The swipe of a leg behind hers has Alex falling onto her back on the ground. Sam follows her on the fall down, knees bracketing her hips. The grip on her neck hasn't loosened.
Alex is struggling with this one, but it's like Sam is on another plane. Her surroundings start to blur. She sees a flash of Alex being choked before. Her body being held up in the air by Reign's grip.
"Sam?"
It's choked, questioning. It's a snap back into reality. Alex's eyes shining up at her unsure.
She scrambles away fast, back onto her feet. The memories linger in her mind like the goosebumps of an evening chill. The ghost of Alex's neck haunting the palm of her hand.
Reign almost killed Alex more than once. Not her, they say. Reign and Sam are not one after all. They seem so sure. She does not.
Alex comes to stand in front of her, frowning, and a hand reaches out to touch her shoulder but stops when Sam takes a small step back. "Where'd you go?"
She thinks about telling the truth, and so, in a way, she does.
"Alex," she says, it cracks with the effort of holding back tears. She reaches forward to hover her hand at the base of Alex's throat. She won't touch, can't because she feels the negative energy almost burning her hand up in the place of abused skin. She almost just choked her out. It scares her. Sam doesn't want to hurt her. Alex has already suffered too much. "I'm so sorry."
Realization dawns on Alex's face, the struggle of what to do seen in her eyes. "It's going to be okay," Alex tries to assure her with this. She can be pretty good at reassuring people and making them feel safe. She looks around the room before she starts to grin. Her smiles have become some of Sam's favorites – always caring, and understanding, and warm to her. They've been known to lift her spirit bit by bit.
"Come on. I think have an idea," Alex nods over to the corner of the room. It is astounding how Alex is more concerned for her well-being than what Sam did to her.
Sam is lead over to a section of the room where a punching bag hung, ready to be beaten. The sigh that escapes her is tiring, and boarding on frustration. The last thing she wants to do is more training.
"Alex - "
"Hug it."
Sam looks at her as if she's insane. Then again, it takes a little bit of insanity to do what she does on a daily basis. Sam only had to deal with aliens and bad people up close and personal for a short amount of time, but Alex has been dealing with them for years.
Alex sees the hesitation, and she looks at her encouragingly. "You don't seem to want me to touch you. Just – Just trust me, okay?"
With another sigh, Sam turns towards the punching bag. This seems ridiculous, but she takes a breath and wraps her arms around it. It's awkward. The material is hard against her body. She's had better hugs than this, but she can't expect much from this object.
Alex has stepped closer, softly telling her to take deep breaths and let herself relax into it. Trying to take the advice, she closes her eyes while breathing strong and steady. She doesn't find this peaceful. She appreciates what Alex is trying to do, it's sweet, but her anxiety won't calm down.
"I can't do this, Alex. It isn't working," she says, stepping away from the punching bag.
Alex nods. "You know, it'd be much better if it were an actual person."
She's torn in this situation, but -
"You won't hurt me, Sam.
"I almost choked you out."
Alex scoffs, and dismisses it with a wave of her hand. "Oh, whatever. I could have gotten out of that several different ways. I was more concerned with what was happening to you."
Sam wants to cry and laugh at the same time because that moment scared her and because Alex is so terribly, wonderfully, people oriented.
"Look, if you think you need forgiveness for that, I forgive you. Can I touch you now?"
She hesitates, but nods, noticing the blush on Alex's cheeks at her own words.
This time the hugging helps. Alex wraps her arms around her waist, firm and grounding. She can relax into this one. This one has her hugging back just the same. This one feels a lot closer to coping.
a. danvers
2. Last night, the stars hung just a little crooked. And I wished the world to be kinder to you.
The morning is already in high gear with birds chirping their daily song, and there is an audible grumble coming from behind the wooden door before it opens. Sam peers at Alex from behind tired eyes, pajamas all wrinkled and hair a wild mess, as she leans against the door frame.
A part of Alex feels a little guilty for waking her up. She wonders if the nightmares are back and taking its toll on Sam, who has dark circles under her eyes. She knows the woman has flashbacks; memories of Reign's destruction, and just enough information out of those to know the secrets the Danvers' sisters try with all their smarts to keep.
It has never been as hard for her to protect Supergirl's secret identity like Kara herself struggles with. To her, it's easy. Just another thing to keep safe the most important person in her life, and if that means lying to people about her actual government agency placement than so be it. It may have been a little tricky at first with Maggie, but the detective did what she does best and figured it out all on her own. Just because Alex has an easier time following those set rules doesn't mean that relief didn't wash over her the day Sam confronted her about it. Though that relief had been mixed with the urge to protect not only her sister, but the Arias women who now have another disadvantage against them. Sam is powerless and people would jump at the chance to use her as leverage if they ever found out she knew something.
"Hey," Sam greets, concerned at seeing her there so early without notice. She covers a yawn with her hand, mumbling after, "Is everything okay?"
"Oh, yeah! I just - we need to leave," she says, brushing by her into the warmth of the home that holds a family.
Sam looks at her, barley awake and completely confused. "I don't remember making plans."
Before she can worry, or panic, that it's happening again – that Reign is back – Alex explains. In this world, Samantha Arias' greatest fear is that she won't be around to protect Ruby. Right underneath that is Reign and all the terror that was caused.
"You didn't. I did, like an hour ago. If – If you're interested, that is."
Sam pauses, and Alex can practically see the wheels turning in her head through her eyes. She hasn't been out much lately. There are the tests, and the training. Lena allows some work, and game nights have resumed like once every couple of weeks - the lack of Winn being a nerd and complaining that someone cheated bothers Alex more and more each time – but other than that Sam usually sticks to home.
Tentatively, Sam asks, "What did you have in mind?"
A smile, large and excited, grows on Alex's face as she proudly says, "We're going on a road trip."
"We can't just up and leave," Sam shakes her head, looking at her like Alex has done lost her mind. "I have work to be done."
There's something else there, though. An inner battle of something similar, yet different, seen through her eyes. Alex bites her tongue and files her curiosity away for another time. Instead, she replies, already prepared for the negative answer.
"Yes, you can. Lena would understand."
Alex knows this because the two of them talk a lot more now. It's difficult because Lena doesn't know who Kara is, and she had Kryptonite, but she loves Sam. Lena fought for Sam, and Alex respects that. It could probably be used lightly, but Alex thinks Lena and her qualify as friends.
"Ruby-"
"Is officially out of school."
Sam is struggling to find more excuses, drawing in on herself. She crosses her arms around herself after tucking long locks of brunette hair behind her ear. Alex remembers confident, handsome, Sam who stood in the DEO ready to sacrifice herself for her daughter. The contrast strikes into the depths of her heart, and it clenches as she sees the comparison in the desperation in Sam's eyes.
"What about your work?"
"I'm the director now, and I've already given orders to be notified when needed and arrangements for a fast flight back." Alex doesn't want to force this on her. She just wants Sam to be better. Honestly, up and leaving for a road trip while being the new Director of an important top secret government agency isn't the wisest choice, but J'onn agreed to come back around for this and she will never not be grateful for the man. It would have also been a better choice to choose the quiet place of Midvale since it is closer, and her mother wouldn't hesitate to lend a room to someone in need. The reason she went against it was for those instinctual kicks in the gut telling her that one little town wouldn't be enough for this aftermath.
Alex grins in a way she thinks Sam will know means that she wants this for her, but can understand if this isn't the way she wants healing to happen. "Give it up, Arias. Is there really anything else better for you to do?"
Sam laughs lightly at the small push of encouragement Alex gives her shoulder. Her eyes are downcast, and Alex knows she's considering her options. One minute and twenty-four seconds later, she's on the phone talking to Lena, and Alex yells excitedly up the stairs for Ruby to share the news.
Being on the road is easy.
The plan is to drive anywhere, everywhere, and nowhere really at all.
Alex sees several possums and thinks of texting Kara, but settles on telling the Arias family the horror stories of her sister's driving instead. They stop at motels, eat at any diner that looks like it won't give them food poisoning, and stop to take pictures at Ruby's request.
The windows are usually rolled down, and Ruby will sit with pride next to their snack selection from a gas station. They let Ruby control distributing the snacks from the backseat, and Sam skips song track after song track under Ruby's command while Alex sings along to what she knows. The music these days haven't been the most memorable, but she had introduced Ruby to legendary bands like The Killers and Nirvana, and they both sing along to each word of Sugar, We're Going Down without missing a single beat. It warms her heart, and as she sneaks a couple glances at Sam, Alex thinks maybe it does for her too. The tiny upward quirk to her lips and warmth in her eyes is taken as proof.
Ruby has been a trooper the entire trip, so far. Traveling can be exhausting, and sometimes it shows on her, but then she'll see something cool through a window and her excitement will rise. It makes Alex feel whole; having the ability to make a child happy.
Sam is fine for the most part. She acts like a mother, remains the friend Alex has come to call family. She's better, but there's still an underlining sadness to her. She remains calm, but sometimes withdrawn like she has been here and there since being out of harms way. It makes Alex's heart ache for her inner world to get back on track.
They're driving down a road somewhere in Colorado late at night – planning to cross into Kansas rather than Nebraska – when Alex confesses something to Sam. Ruby is fast asleep in the backseat, face smashed up against the window in a way that makes Alex cringe. She waits for Sam to settle back down in her seat, after draping a blanket over her daughter's body, before saying anything.
"I would have given it all up for Ruby."
She has Sam's undivided attention, and it makes her nervous, causes her to stumble over her words a bit; drumming her fingers on the steering wheel to no music.
"When you – when you were absent, someone came after me. Ruby was with me during the first attack. During the second attack, I risked my life without any hesitation by jumping across a building to get go the bad guy – a complete stranger." Sam hasn't looked away from her since she started talking, and she can see the concern written in those dark eyes. She clears her throat, continuing with, "When it was over, I thought about Ruby. There was a chance we might not get you back, and a part of me knew that I'd take care of her. Possibly quit the DEO, and whatever else that I had to, in order to keep her safe. Now that you're back, I honestly can't say that I'd change my mind."
"Why are you telling me this?"
Why is she telling her this?
"Because, I want you to know that for the rest of my life she will never be without my protection." Sam's eyes are glistening with tears yet to fall when Alex looks back over at her. The sight causes a lump to want to form in her throat, and maybe this conversation is a little much at the moment. Though a filter on her mouth is non existent today, because she continues with, "I would have done everything I did for anyone. I'm just really glad it was for your family."
"I'm pretty sure you've been a part of our family for awhile now." It's honest, and so genuine, and the little grin Sam gives her makes her insides flutter. Then Sam seals the conversation with, "Besides, it's no secret that Ruby adores her favorite aunt Alex."
And there it is. Aunt Alex. It stings a little and she forces herself to not bring think of the possible reasons as to why.
Two weeks into this adventure, parked on the side of the road somewhere in Mississippi - Sam guiding Ruby through the trees to stretch their legs - Alex is staring at the contacts in her phone. Her thumb hovers for approximately ten seconds before she hits the delete button.
They emerge from the woods, and the smile that appears at the corner of her lips is genuine, because Ruby has dirt smudged on her cheek and there's a leaf stuck in Sam's hair, and she doesn't regret any of this.
Ruby runs towards her with a large stick, "Alex, can we make a spear out of this?"
Sam's laugh tangles with hers, and Alex fights back the wave of sadness that washes over her at the last time she used a stick; in that place with Sam. She had looked crazed then, like a wild animal, except one with a conscious that was consumed with guilt. It was difficult seeing that. It makes Alex want to tell Sam anything in the world to mend her mind, make her believe that there will always be more than the pain in her heart. She starts with plucking the leaf out of her hair, and her breath hitches because the look Sam is giving her takes Alex back to, "It's my favorite".
"Let me tell you the importance of sticks," she says to Ruby, using a thumb to clean the girl's cheek and wrapping her arm around her shoulders.
There's a fond expression on Sam's face when Alex looks back to her. She's still Sam. She's still soft, and caring, and incredible. Ruby was wrong when she told Alex that she was the toughest person she has ever met, because Sam is far more tougher than Alex thinks she herself could ever be.
Alex notices that the absence of Maggie on her phone doesn't burn a hole in her pocket.
Alex keeps learning more about them. The big details. The little details. She hangs on to every word, and takes in as much as she can.
During the situation, she had looked out for Ruby. She learned her favorite foods, and her biggest fears, and that she has a preference for any animals that her mother isn't allergic to. She further learns that Ruby is one of the most spectacular beings she has ever known. Not that she ever doubted it in the first place.
She learns that Sam doesn't like mustard with anything except fries, and that there's a tiny freckle on her left pinky finger. She learns how to read Sam's mood better than before, and that she's getting better and appreciates Alex expressing kindness during these times. She learns that Sam's go to gas station snack is Twizzlers, and that she'll never skip an old school country song. She learns that she likes Sam, and she learns that it isn't the most scariest thing.
Ruby is on top of the car, sleeping under the Florida stars, with her feet poking through the sunroof. "I won't fall off. Please, mom," Ruby had begged and pouted, and Sam is at a point where she can't deny her wishes. Not after being away for so long because of Reign, because she feels like she owes her daughter a happy life after causing so much chaos. Actually, scratch that. They both know Ruby deserves a happy life regardless.
The crickets are chirping away, and the two older women lay down in the back of the car listening to the sound of nature. It's big enough for two grown beings to sleep almost comfortably. Alex chucked most of the road trip supplies on the grass for more room, but the two of them are still pushed together a bit.
There's a cramp starting in her foot and her neck is little weirdly angled, and she huffs trying to get comfortable, saying, "We should invest in a tent."
Crinkles forming at the corners of her eyes, Sam laughs. "I do have to admit I thought a government agent would be more prepared for anything. Especially one who planned for a road trip to begin with."
"I was being super impulsive and forgot some things." She can tell her cheeks burn from the embarrassment of her own honesty, and grumbles, "Bite me, Arias."
Sam turns her head and leans down to bite firmly on the bare skin of shoulder showing from the strap of Alex's tank top. It's doesn't really hurt, but it is unpredictable and it does leave a heat stirring below. She looks at Sam in surprise.
Sam only raises an eyebrow, playfully saying, "Don't challenge me."
Alex's mind drops straight into the gutter, because Sam is beautiful and she always did like a challenge. She looks down to the set of intriguing lips and has a smudge of courage to dare her to do it again. Maybe lower and lower and -
The tips of her ears heat up, and again Sam giggles, making it known that she has an idea of where Alex's mind just went. She wonders if Sam knows she absolutely likes how easy she can get Sam to laugh. It'll reach her ears, and each time it makes her feel light.
There's movement to get more comfortable. Sam's taller than her, yet she scoots down while curling her legs a bit. Her head is tucked in the crook of Alex's neck, and the skin of her hand tingles from Sam holding it where they rest on Alex's stomach.
They've cuddled a couple of times before on back roads all over the country when it was too late in the middle of night and they were running out of energy to drive. Still, it affects Alex just the same. Her heart starts to speed up, and she is certain Sam notices.
"Does it still hurt?"
It's a quiet question, but it makes her pause.
She knows Sam means Maggie – the woman runs the pad of her thumb across the naked ring finger – yet it still throws Alex off, because nobody besides herself has mentioned her in months. She doesn't talk about Maggie to most people. Sam was an exception before; a friend who was a nervous wreck in L-Corp's lab and reminded Alex too much of herself. It was surprisingly easy to open up to her, let walls down like she did in front of her. All because of the ability to relate on a certain fear. But still, she would have preferred Sam asked how the bite is doing instead. It's for her own sanity, and the peace she wants on that particular subject. She has an easier time not second-guessing her own choice.
Maggie will always hurt.
It's softer now, bittersweet at most, because she's the first person Alex ever fell in love with. It was real, and it was good, but it wasn't right; like a piece of something that doesn't fit the spot you think it might by only a small difference. A difference large enough that she doesn't have an urge to get her number back.
She does have the urge to intertwine her fingers with Sam. To comb her fingers through her hair. To keep making a smile appear on her face.
Alex isn't scared of those urges. But, she is nervous. Sam is her friend, and Sam may not have an interest in women, and Alex wonders if her attraction is heightened because this is the opportunity to have the one thing she has always been sure of wanting.
"Not like before," Alex answers honestly, using the arm around Sam's body to pull her closer. "What about you?"
Sam barely talks above a whisper when she says, "Sometimes I feel like I may never be okay again. But I know that I have to be for Ruby."
People have told Alex that she is resilient, and exceptional. They should say the same about Sam. There's something about the way she holds herself together that makes Alex not want to look away, to fight whatever comes her way or find whatever she may need.
"I think that some day, you will be more than okay." Alex tells her this because someone so good, so kind, has to be okay. She refuses to believe otherwise. She mumbles against Sam's forehead, "Some would even say great."
She can feel Sam smile into the crook of her neck and how the grip on her hand tightens. She controls the urge to shiver as Sam's words ghost across the skin above her pulse. "Thank you for being exactly who you are."
Even when Alex knows there is a chance that in the middle of the night Sam will jolt awake - maybe scream, probably cry, because she does still gets nightmares on scattered days – she makes sure to squeeze her hand back, saying, "You too."
s. arias
3. May flowers grow in the saddest parts of you.
Reign.
It's the hardest obstacle she has encountered, yet.
They say Reign is gone. They say Reign can't hurt anyone anymore. Not her. Not the people. Not Ruby.
Far too early for a Sunday morning, when Alex showed up spouting things about needing an escape – just a little freedom to further heal - Sam wanted to tell her that she couldn't leave. That there were responsibilities she has, and she had already spent so much time trying to get better in a lab. She had bit her lip to prevent saying out loud the thought that she couldn't heal by running.
But Alex was persistent, and excited, and she told her softly while Ruby was running around upstairs getting ready that when Maggie left Kara took her to Midvale – giving her the opportunity needed to find the courage to move on. Sam remembered sitting on the bed in a hospital gown, opening up the tiniest bit as Alex tells her about Kara forcing her to figure it out together.
Sam doesn't feel like she could ever be the Samantha Arias from before again, but she trusts Alex. Maybe together they can tackle the inner emotional situation. Alex has always been reliable, and heroic in her own way. It was something that has always showed, and something Sam felt from the moment Alex told her "whatever it is, we'll figure it out. Together. Okay?"
Alex keeps her phone on, but Sam lets her data go out. She wants to be as isolated from outside the two people on the road with her as she can be. It isn't personal against her friends, or whoever, it just makes it easier to focus on her issues.
Lena still texts Alex and Ruby. She knows this from a brief glance to the screen. It makes her feel a bit terrible, because Lena tried taking on the challenge of saving her, but she knows Alex is keeping her updated in the progress and ultimately Lena understands.
In Virginia, the heat outside isn't overbearing, but Sam has to hover a hand over her eyes to shield them from the sun and to be able to see further out into the field. She's sitting on the hood of the car watching as Alex sets up the bottle targets on the wooden posts of a wire fence separating old lands. Even from this far, she can tell Ruby is practically buzzing with excitement.
"But mom, Alex is an agent," Ruby had said with a pout and insistence, "If anyone were to teach me proper gun handling and safety, obviously it'd be her."
"Director." Alex corrected. She was no help in defusing the situation, because she shrugged and with that damn cheeky smirk, said, "But, obviously."
They make a pretty good team. Sam had rolled her eyes, held back the fear of Ruby around anything else that involved violence, and caved.
So, here she is, seeing the way Alex lines Ruby up with the shot. She's nervous, and maybe Alex senses it, or maybe it's just in her head, but Sam can see far out that Alex has turned to her with a thumbs up. Whether it's permission, or reassurance, Sam returns the signal.
One miss. Two miss. Target demolished.
Alex takes the gun as Ruby shrieks happily, taking out the rest of the targets with more precision, before setting the safety back on and accepts the bear hug Ruby tackles her in.
There isn't a proper amount of gratitude in the world to give to Alex. She kept her little girl safe when Sam couldn't. She was the first one in her corner – Sam opened up to her first. That's not an easy thing to do, but Alex isn't just anyone. She has this presence that makes people know that her priorities lay with them.
Sam still has bad days, but they very slowly start to fade.
She has grown a bit accustomed to taking the negative thoughts and smothering them with the positive ones.
Alex likes early 2000s pop punk. She can sing, Sam discovers, it's soft and clear and each time Sam can't stop herself from smiling. It doesn't help her smile when she turns to sing to you. Almost like a serenade. Alex's favorite snack is donuts. She likes to explore abandoned places. She has three weapons on her at all times.
It's easy with Alex. Being on the road with her daughter and the woman who fought to protect her. This trip is an easier way to deal with Reign. No matter her protests at first, she would have drowned in National City.
Any time spent with Ruby is no time regretted. She's Sam's entire world. Everything else, her friends and work and her own interests, are simply background pieces to her daughter, little clouds and trees.
When Sam looks at Alex, she wonders where she fits into the universe. She's too different to be a four leaf clover, or rainfall. Kara may have been born in the stars, the one with a sunny personality, but Sam can't help considering that Alex is the sun. That her presence is the light peaking through boarded windows, illuminating the area one small portion at a time; intriguing and beautiful enough for someone to have an urge to bask in it.
Alex can make flower chains – it's because of Kara, when they were kids and had nothing better to do on sunny days. She teaches Ruby, and they conspire to build Sam a flower crown. Ruby picks out the prettiest flowers in the field, and when it's all done, Alex drums her knees in a dramatic symbolic form while Sam kneels to accept the crown Ruby places on her head. The entire situation is ridiculous, but it's fun and sweet and it feels like healing.
"I have a confession to make."
Alex waits for her to continue. They do this a lot – confessions, opening up, showing the vulnerability sides of themselves to each other despite Sam's dislike for it.
"I decided back in National City that one of the best options for moving forward is to move out of the city."
"Oh."
Sam doesn't know why she's nervous as it is her turn to wait for Alex to say something, but she plays with her fingers as she watches her take in the information. Finally, Alex says, "Do you still want to?"
The answer is immediate.
"I'm still torn, really, but I don't think ."
"Is there anything I can do to get you to stay, for sure?"
Her eyes are as hopeful as Sam wants to be; as Sam is trying to be.
"I'll let you know."
Somewhere in Ohio, they pull the vehicle over on the side of the road for Ruby to use the bathroom. She takes napkins and a flashlight (just in case) and runs into the spaces of some trees.
Through the window, Sam yells after her, "Not too far!" Turning back around, she catches Alex looking at her with a grin. Her smile is infectious, and Sam feels her heart lift. Leaning the left side of her head against the headrest, she says softly, "What?"
Instead of answering her, Alex reaches into the middle compartment and pulls out a plastic square case.
"A CD?" Sam asks the question incredulously, because she doesn't know of another person who still owns those.
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with old school," Alex tells her this with faux seriousness as she puts the CD into the right compartment. She turns it up as the music fills the spaces of the car. The soft melody of Cigarettes After Sex's 'Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby' rings in Sam's ears. "Come on. I think have an idea."
The sky is in pretty colors as the day starts to fade away. It's almost dark, and Alex turns on the headlights before getting out of the vehicle. She comes around to Sam's side, opening the door, and holds out her hand. Alex is looking at her with an open reassurance. Sam laughs because this is ridiculous, but she puts her hand in hers and lets Alex guide her to the front of the car.
Her hand is soft. That's the first thing Sam notices as she accepts the request. She places her other hand lightly on her shoulder. She's shaking slightly because she's nervous, but Alex isn't judging and just grips her waist with her other hand and steps closer into her space. The second thing she notices is the height difference. It's always been there, but now she's more aware of it; of how Alex leans her head lightly against hers, yet the top of it only reaches to her cheek. The third thing that she notices is the quick escalation of her heartbeat, pressed up against her own.
It's been a long time since Sam last had a romantic encounter. Far too long for someone who is almost thirty with a banging body. But life happens; Ruby, work, and Reign. To multitask a relationship in between hectic hours would be a real struggle, but to think Alex could be a part of their family seems completely worth it.
Sam isn't lacking in the knowledge of how to tell if somebody is into her. And Alex – Alex is most definitely into her. It's in her eyes and how she acts around her and when Sam leans just a little more into her, she presses more firmly. Sam also knows that Alex is without a doubt a keeper. She's smart and beautiful and she'll have her back in the blink of an eye. She's this wonderful human being wrapped up tightly in this dangerous world.
This trip has been refreshing. Her mind has been figuring out how to deal with the aftermath of Reign. Sam has been considering moving, but there's something in the way Alex just simply exists that has Sam on the edge of unsure.
The thing that scares Sam is breaking her heart. Alex has already suffered too much. But Sam tips her backwards in a dip, and she remembers that Alex trusts her too.
The sun is completely gone just as the last song fades out. Alex smiles at her and Sam knows Alex will never want them to move. Ruby's footsteps are heard crashing through the woods causing the two of them to break apart. Sam has a feeling she probably didn't need to. Ruby is Alex's number one fan. Her chest starts to crack open, making room for new roots.
They end up at a little hair salon in Michigan.
"I need something new about me," Sam had told them when they were driving through, and so here they are.
Alex takes Ruby over to the ice cream shop a few doors down to wait until she's done. She knows exactly what she wants when they sit her down in the chair. It's therapeutic, and lovely, watching locks of her hair fall to the ground. She feels so much lighter.
"Oh," Alex says, delightful surprise expressed on her features, when Sam walks over to the ice cream shop. It sends a thrill down her spine at the reaction and pulls an easy smile from her lips. She reaches up to touch her shorter, jaw length, hair and briefly fumble with the ends at the attention.
"A bug is going to fly in your mouth if you keep your jaw dropped like that," Ruby suddenly comments, causing Alex to shut her mouth quick. Alex blushes, but tries to play it off with a light laugh. "Mom, you look great."
"Thanks, baby," she leans down to plant a kiss on her daughter's forehead.
Alex kisses her on top of a waterfall in Illinois.
Ruby is down below, trying with all of her best ability to catch a fish with the spear the two adventure seekers made with perfection a couple of weeks ago.
Sam makes a comment about powers – it's a spur of the moment joke, really – about how easy it would be to heat up any fish if she had heat vision. It's nothing special, and hardly funny, but Alex let's out a shocked little laugh; like even the idea of Samantha Arias cracking fun at the powers of a Kryptonian that has haunted her wasn't possible.
Then suddenly Alex's hands are cupping her face, and she's right there, a question in her eyes and Sam's nod for an answer. Alex kisses her, and the roots in Sam's chest start to sprout.
Reign.
It's the hardest obstacle she has encountered, but Alex must sense where her mind is at because she links her fingers with Sam's while she drives. Sam gives her hand a gentle squeeze. The sprouts begin to blossom.
a. danvers
4. You have flowers in your mouth 'cause your heart is upside down.
At a diner in Minnesota, the three sit in a booth for breakfast.
Alex builds a battlefield out of sugar packets, using the bottles of condiments on the table as a representation of certain people, as she tells one of the many stories she has about working with Supergirl. Ruby is leaning forward in her seat, completely interested in the unfolding events of the mission. Sam has an expression of adoration as she watches the interaction and drinks from the warm cup of coffee nestled in between her hands.
Alex makes sure to avoid gruesome details for both of the Arias women. Ruby doesn't need the nightmares, and honestly, neither does Sam. The older Arias has done so good trying to right herself again, and Alex is so proud of her.
Moments like these make Alex feel hopeful for having a family in the future. Her chest feels as though her heart is expanding and the warmth is trying to nestle firmly into her soul. This is everything she has always wanted.
When the waitress comes back around to check on them, it seems like Alex is not the only one affected by the energy at the table. She smiles, and before she goes to leave, says, "You're a beautiful family. I hope to have that someday."
"Oh, we're - we're not – " Alex's eyes are wide, and she's trying her best to explain the situation, but she's been taken entirely by surprise. It's kind of a difficult thing to explain anyway, because it's complicated and she doesn't even know what's going on.
But Sam says, "Thank you. I'm sure you will," so casually without hesitation, and Alex's heart is so warm and full. She tries to squash the confusion in her head before it tears her apart. She thanks the stars that Ruby had went to the bathroom right before the interaction; she doesn't need to be confused too.
Alex wakes up in a hammock with Sam squished into her side. They are in the woods in South Dakota and when she opens her eyes she has to squint because of the sunlight shining directly above. Her left arm has gone numb from the body laying on top of it, but her right one stays curled around Sam's waist.
A couple of feet away, Ruby is sleeping in a tent.
The store was running out of stock, and the only one they had left would never fit three people. They had bought it anyway. Ruby was the only one who could fit, and it makes Alex glad that she picked up a hammock too. It's a tight fit with two adult women, but putting a second person in that tent would have been worse.
Sam is still asleep, a handful of Alex's shirt fisted in her hand. It's probably the most peaceful Alex has ever seen her. There were no nightmares last night, and Alex is relieved at the progress.
The thing about this woman is that when the battle of Reign came to an end she never stopped being Sam. There were just parts of her that became blurred along the way and those parts are what they've both fought to clear for her for months.
She shifts, knocking her knee into Sam's. It startles her awake, but when she realize what's up, Alex receives only a tired grin.
"Good morning," Alex whispers, not wanting to wake the child sleeping close to the hammock. It surprises her when Sam kisses her good morning instead of a verbal reply. It's the second kiss shared, but the first she started, and it makes Alex feel like she's buzzing with electricity. When they break apart, Alex's mouth opens to ask for that clarification she needs, but the sound of the tent zipper stops the words from coming out.
She breaks her own heart (again) in a motel in North Dakota.
Alex grips the phone in her hand, swallowing roughly, at the simple thought of what must be done.
"Lena knows" makes its rounds through her mind, and she doesn't even realize that she is shaking, not until a warm hand settles on her own; ceasing the motion. It's Sam, with her concerned gaze, eyes with the same warmth Alex had been lucky enough to see all those months ago; in a lab with an understanding and a lollipop; at the DEO when Lena gave Sam the good news about being completely human and Alex had completed Ruby in being an awesome roommate.
Sam is asking if she is okay, snapping her back to reality.
"There's been an incident," she mumbles weakly, shifting her gaze away into the corner of the room.
A large part of her doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to ruin the adventure of a lifetime. That part wants to stay. It wants more late night drives down unfamiliar roads, and snack pile up at gas stations, and Ruby running through fields that has grass past the waist, long forgotten over the years. The other part of her, the DEO director and Supergirl's sister part, knows that she has to go regardless of feelings.
"I don't think I can go back yet."
It's a simple statement, but one that Sam can't say looking her in the eye. Alex clenches her own jaw. It's a reaction to fight the tears that are burning behind her eyes from falling. She knew this was going to happen.
It feels like the end. It feels like –
Maggie.
But it isn't, and she understands that Sam needs this hard choice of her own. Sam isn't saying forever. She said not yet. It still hurts just the same.
In reality, it shouldn't, and Alex can't wrap her heart around why it does. That's not true. She knows why it does, but she's starting to think it might not matter.
She's the woman who took care of a kid whose mother was unable to be one at the time. She's a woman who had a friend in need. She's a woman who Sam lets kiss her in the heart of nature, but they haven't talked about it yet. There isn't a title to what is going on. It's just been kind words and thoughtful actions and this quiet tiny bubble of human attraction and interaction. But Sam isn't a Sarah. Sam certainly isn't Maggie. She gets her own place nestled in an atrium of Alex's heart.
When Alex books the flight back to National City it's for one. Kara could easily fly to come get her, but Alex can't. She needs the hours in between to compose herself and settle her heart, and she doesn't tell Kara this, but her sister says 'okay' over the phone anyway. She doesn't think it's possible for another being to understand her (silently, or not) the way Kara does.
Ruby is upset. She makes it known that this isn't what she wants. Tells them it's best if they stick together. But they are not a family in the way that Sam isn't her wife, and Ruby isn't her daughter.
Alex takes a deep breath and reaches for the wallet in her pocket. It's been there since Maggie gave it back. She doesn't know why she kept it with her at first, but eventually it became a spare. She reaches for Sam's hand, curls the key in her palm, and kisses her gently on the cheek.
"For whenever you're ready. If – If that's something you want."
It's as good of a clarification of her feelings as it gets. It's all up to Sam now.
Ruby hugs her once more before she steps outside. Sam hesitates before meeting her gaze head on. Alex shuts the motel door on those rich, earthy eyes, and that weak little excuse for a smile. It hits her how much her entire life is screaming almost and someday and please, please, please.
The airport is dimly lit. A handful of people are waiting around for the sun to come up and for their people to arrive. The thud of her boots bring along an echo, and it is as if each step is its own trigger; each thud bringing a different moment of the time spent away to her mind. Flashes of Sam and Ruby and the quiet softness of peace.
It makes her heart flip and her stomach uneasy.
Kara is waiting at the front, fidgeting with her glasses. The beginnings of the infamous crinkle is forming on her forehead. Lena and the predicament they've found themselves in is no doubt on her mind. Kara sees her then, must really see her, because the crinkle becomes deeper and more permanent and she's in front of Alex in an instant.
Words want to come out, practically begging Alex to release them, but they keep overlapping in her mind. She's opening and closing her mouth, trying and trying and trying, yet it's useless.
"Oh, Alex," Kara murmurs, taking on a sadness of her own as she pulls her sister in for the tightest hug a human can receive from an alien.
It's like the two are back in that hall all those months ago. "What am I going to do?" burns in her ears, cuts the tip of her tongue. She grips Kara's shoulders, burying her head in the soft waves of honey locks. The sobs keep coming and a battered heart keeps constricting, but her sister doesn't let go.
Kara always has been the lifeline of her world.
That still doesn't stop the feeling like she is choking on flowers.