All I See Is What Is Left Of Your Ghost
A/N: I am keeping a few of the 'main lines' of Naruto Shippuden's plot, but honestly, the plot will undergo through various changes as the story proceeds. You just need to know that Tsunade is still the Hokage and it's only been a few weeks since Jiraiya's death (ouch, that should have never ever happened). This is going to primarly focus on the toll grief takes on someone and the eventual recovery. It will definitely get... heavy.
Thank God they didn't just gloss over Jiraiya's death like I have seen in practically every other anime or movie where 'the hero needs to save the world, he/she doesn't have time to mourn and should just forget everything else', I'm really glad they showed Naruto and Tsunade and others actually mourn the loss of a hero and friend. But I don't think grief just... stops, and I still feel like Naruto's pain should have been addressed later on too and... well, I decided to try to do that here, sort of...?
Also, the idea for this story was inspired by two movies I stumbled upon with a very interesting premise, but some of it comes from personal experience too. And honestly this might just be a year of me trying to make sense of grief and loss, so... really, please lower your expectations, do not expect absolutely anything out of this story and you won't be left disappointed.
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Pairings:
-minor canonical ones
-Naruto&Sasuke?
- Okay, so, the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke is... actually too complicated for me to define? So I really have no idea what is going to happen here? I would really like to clarify if there is only going to be friendship between these two or... something more... but I honestly have no idea.
Warning (I guess... I don't know?): This story might possibly contain a relationship between Naruto and Sasuke? Maybe? I honestly have no idea? If you don't like that then I think you should not read this... maybe? I don't know. Do whatever you want, I just said what I had to say.
Chapter One: The Beginning Of The End Of The Beginning (Act I)
Summary of the chapter:
After trying to re-build life as it was before Pain's attack while pretending his teacher's death is still not hanging over him, news of his ex-teammate's looming fate falls on short notice since Naruto started slowly spiraling down a path of inner self-destruction.
That is... until Sasuke makes his appearance.
Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial.
It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
-Elizabeth-Kubler Ross and David Kessier From On Grief and Grieving
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Naruto wears exhaustion like the precious air rhythmically expanding his lungs, again and again, and it's something he can't get rid of even if he wants to.
He wears pain like a punch to the gut. It doesn't leave bruises, being hardly visible at all- but the hurt, he can feel it burning down to his core, feels it bruising the inside of his chest where his heart should be beating.
Not for the first time, he wonders how long he will be able to keep up this façade. He can already feel himself falling behind.
The restoration of Konoha has already started, he has not been keeping count (he can't, he can't, because if he starts counting he will know for sure that what he lost is real), but it's definitely been days, definitely been weeks.
His fast recovery had not accounted for much, given that he has not been sent on any particularly important mission in a long while. He is also never on his own, but always with Team Seven, which lately only consists of him, Sakura and Sai. At first he thought Yamato's presence had been required for more pressing matters than carrying out missives to nearby villages, mostly asking for help or supplies, but maybe he just finds these boring – Naruto knows he himself does.
They are never even sent too far off the village, perhaps as a way to let them get their energies back after the tremendous attack and all the effort it has taken to build back their homes. The work everyone is putting in keeps showing results, he could even say that a few restored parts of the village are better now than they used to be- but the encompassing feeling of having lost something that will never grow back as it once was sometimes gets too overwhelming.
This new routine has been wearing him thin too, like everything else seems to do. Go on missions, which usually last no more than three days - and even that is a strain- and once back aid the rest of the ninjas in the reconstruction. But even so, he doesn't complain, he can't, because at the end of the day, while not ideal by any mean of the word, it is an incredibly effective way to keep his mind busy. And lately more than ever he needs the distraction, anything to never stop and think things through.
And as the rebuilding after Pain's attack proceeds, the rest falls flat. Life is… stale, to say the least. His life, at least.
In a way, it's almost as if someone decided to pause the world. But he feels like too much of a coward to pause, too. Because if he does, if he stops to think about it, sooner or later he will have to dig in. (And he is too frightened by the prospect of coming up with bloodied fingers, all the words left unsaid lying broken in shattered shards of glass, heart a pulsing mess of cut up pieces. He doesn't want to know what he might find underneath all this pretence.)
Although this day starts the same way all the others recently have, it does not end up with the same irritating structure as they all do.
His mood quickly plummets, turning sour, hitting a new and dangerous low after being on the receiving end of certain news. The wrong kind.
It all started with one of the easier missions, it had only taken a few hours in total to complete and the three of them had even found the time to stop somewhere for a late lunch. Afterwards, Sakura had gone to help at the hospital, and Sai… well, no one really knew where Sai went most of the time and Naruto isn't interested in finding out either way.
Being by himself, he had decided to aimlessly wander around the forest, simply have a look around and let his thoughts soak in the surroundings. Thinking of the smallest, most useless things he could to keep himself distracted while enjoying the slight breeze and the blinding rays of sun, that even if blocked by the many leaves still somehow managed to shine through.
Until then, everything is normal by the recent standards the new definition of 'normal' has set.
But a brief encounter with one of the anbu members suddenly changes this, turning his day upside down. He is given a scroll and the instructions on how to open the seal, before being left on his own once again. Naruto eyes the weight of it in his hand with a small spark of curiosity at first, wonders for a moment what it could contain, maybe a slightly more difficult and exciting job on its way, it would help keeping him busier for longer. He finally performs the required jutsu and carefully unrolls the thick paper.
Once he starts reading, however, his expectations (he never learns, does he? should never even had those in the first place) get stepped on, crushed to pieces and just beaten to an inch of their short lived life. This could not have been further from what he'd supposed he would find. And to think with everything that's happened already…
For a moment it feels like the world as a whole draws to a stop.
The more the words start making sense in his head, the worse he starts feeling.
If Naruto has to be honest, completely and utterly honest with himself, an actual feat he has not recently been able to succeed in, he is not exactly surprised by the fact in itself. What leaves him shocked enough to knock the breath from out of his dry throat is the array of names he reads.
In pure and black ink on the white starkness of the paper, Sasuke Uchiha's name is glaring at him from the top of the list.
Naruto doesn't even notice he is not breathing anymore, the view goes slightly out of focus because the edges of the world are crumbling apart. Unconsciously, he lowers the scroll, his eyes fixed on the rough and damaged bark of a lonely tree somewhere in the general direction of his vision, but he isn't seeing anything.
Anything except for his name.
The scroll feels heavy in his two hands. It is so, so heavy, even if it's nothing more than a piece of paper. And to think a damn piece of paper could hold this kind of power… the choice of life from death.
Naruto has no idea how long he actually stays out there. With the passing of time, his breaths come out a little too laboured, stuttered, he can feel it in the way his chest constricts, can feel it in the way his throat closes up, but can't find it in himself to care. He can't explain what is going inside him, but there this very distinct and familiar feeling he can't seem to shake off anymore.
He feels... powerless. For what has already happened. For what will happen in the future. He can't get away from it, it's…everywhere.
It's in everything.
He lowers his head, fringe falling over his head protector in a way that almost hides his expression, hides him, his fingers tighten over the scroll, almost shaking. In a moment of barely subdued anger he quickly seals it back, but doesn't put it away. For some reason he keeps it in his hand, as if it's glued on, as if it'll hurt if he lets go of it, even if he feels like he would do anything to forget the reminder of it pressed against his palm.
Naruto suddenly starts to walk, fast, faster, until his feet lift up off the ground and the trees and the bushes and the specks of colors and the green all become just a blur for him to leave behind in a run.
He knows Sakura doesn't know about this. Hell, he knows that even Kakashi is not aware of their decision yet. He wonders who actually knows besides the Kages themselves.
Which is what begs the questions:
Why him?
Why did Tsunade have to let him know first? How did she think he would react to this? What does she think will actually happen now that he knows about it-
…That's right. What is going happen now?
How is he going to face Sakura, knowing what is awaiting their… old teammate? How is he going to hide this from her? Will he even be able to? Guilt was already crashing at his soul before this new discovery, and now…
Just… just what is he supposed to do in this situation?
He knows he is supposed to fight back, he knows he is supposed to. It's the right thing to do… isn't it? But, somewhere along the line… his priorities have shifted, changing with him. And so has his determination, his sense of justice and the strong will he seems to possess at the most desperate of times… it has all started wavering.
Somehow, it feels like he is dangerously balancing himself over a tightrope with no safe net beneath to break his fall.
It's nothing new either, feeling this way is definitely not something last-minute, or something that happened in the last few days. It has been… some time already.
As much as he tries to convince himself otherwise, everything surrounding him and inside of him seems so blank, so void, just bleak and unclear and… useless. Because whatever he does is just never enough. And how can he live with that? Knowing that even his best efforts are not worth the ending.
In a moment of almost disorienting panic that takes hold of him, he halts in his steps and raises his head towards the sky. When he started heading for the village, the afternoon was tinted deep shades of orange, yellow and red melting into each other as the hours flew past, blurry and light enough to color the clouds. And now it has turned into a light blue hue that is slowly bleeding into a darker one, most of the clouds are gone. It's getting colder.
His other hand closes in a fist as he picks up his pace. He is going on autopilot now, one foot in front of the other, careful enough not to bump into anyone but uncaring enough to ignore everyone around him. He doesn't have the peace of mind for mindless conversation, not today, not since…
When he sees his apartment complex in the distance it's almost relief, he almost feels better, he almost starts running towards it, he almost stops thinking about things he should not be thinking of.
Almost.
Because all he has been thinking about lately is what he can do to help. From every waking moment to the mostly sleepless hours of the night, everything he has done is trying to find out any way he can to help. He has done everything in his power to help. But… is that not nearly enough? Is it all really for nothing in the end?
The questions sound harsh in his head, as harsh as his heart is pounding inside of him where he can feel its unrelenting beats hit the inside of his chest again and again while he tries to pry the door open in his haste, to get inside, because maybe once he gets in these four bland walls he might stop thinking, or feeling, or something, or anything, really. Anything.
He uses his body to keep the door closed, almost as if there is someone chasing him on the other side, and all he can feel is the beats of his heart now pounding inside his head, across his temples, in his ears, bringing a wave of dizziness as he turns and leans into the door, his forehead feels warm against the smooth, cold surface.
He breathes in the way Sakura had taught him years ago, holds it in until it feels almost too much, until his lungs start burning with it, and then slowly, slowly lets it out. He does it again, and again. After the third one he loses count how many times he keeps repeating the process.
But he can't halt the thoughts rushing in his head and that is not right.
He starts thinking about what to do, what can he do, again, but maybe, maybe he should… just… stop. Simply stop. Because maybe there is no specific reason why Tsunade would let him know first, right? And maybe there is no reason to question himself about it? And maybe there is no reason to keep asking himself questions he has no answers to.
And maybe he should just stop thinking altogether.
He opens his eyes - when had he even closed them? – and, hesitating, he lifts the scroll. He slowly detaches himself from the door, stares at the paper in his hand as if he could burn right through it.
And maybe… there is just no point after all…
He lowers it down again and exhales, the breath feels punched out of him. Letting his other hand slide down the flat surface he had just been attached against, he takes a tentative step back. His breathing is beginning to return to an almost acceptable level of normalcy, his brain feels slightly less messed up than before (at least this is what he tells himself).
Right when he is starting to seek refuge in the fallacious and maybe darkest thoughts he has, a new voice suddenly breaks the silence and breaks him out of the spell.
"And what are you going to do about that?"
It takes a moment for Naruto to register it, more specifically fifteen seconds. Fifteen long seconds in which he understands that as much as he has been thinking about impossible questions, he is not the one to have asked this particular one. No, that was not him, but someone else. Someone else asked him this, someone…
His world comes crashing down.
Almost in slow motion, when the words filter over his brain, his eyes slowly widen, his lips part in disbelief and his lungs stop filling with oxygen.
Naruto freezes up from the shock.
He can't move. He can't breathe. He can't speak. He can't do anything. Because he suddenly recognizes it. That voice.
He knows that voice.
And suddenly he is turning around so fast his neck hurts, but he ignores it. He is actually unable to feel the physical discomfort of his muscles straining with this new invisible pressure weighing down his torso so heavily he thinks his ribs are going to crack from the sheer force behind it, but he can't even focus on that.
Because the last person Naruto thought he would ever see is now in front of him.
The last person Naruto thought he would see is now here, right here, in his apartment, in his room, sitting on his bed and looking at him as if nothing could even remotely be out of place.
Even if he is the one that doesn't belong in this place.
The scroll falls from his slackened grip, the dull thud it makes once it hits the floor goes unregistered. How could he even begin to register anything around him now, except for…
"...Sasuke?"
The name gets pushed out of his throat like bile and fresh relief at the same time, because of the news his head still has to wrap around to. He does not even remember when the last time he said his name was. There is a light tremble going through his hands, and it feels like his legs might give out beneath him any minute now.
This is not happening. It's not- it's not possible. Sasuke is not here. Naruto knows with extreme certainty that Sasuke is currently with Orochimaru, so how could he even be… how-?
This is... this is not him.
It's not.
There is a small and almost playful smirk on his lips when Sasuke answers him. "In flesh and bones."
Sasuke never averts his eyes, Naruto doesn't even feel like he himself has the will to try. There is something hidden in there, somewhere deep, that he cannot even begin to hope comprehending in his frazzled state.
Sasuke tilts his head to the side, almost curiously so, and his eyes, while as focused and attentive as ever, are still showing that unfamiliar something Naruto can't put a name to. His smirk slowly wanes into something milder and more subdued, and then he is speaking again, and by this point it feels like the room will never stop spinning around them.
"Seems like we have some unfinished business to sort through, after all."
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A/N:
[I had actually already uploaded five chapters of this, but because of some issues I had to delete the story and now I'm uploading everything again. I've edited it a bit too, so whoever has already read these chapters and decides to read them again will find that there are a few differences.]
Thank you so much to the people who had actually favorited and followed this story:
Eirie17, KING011, Lumonyrc, M.I.A. Since '85, My-Cat-Is-Fat, Plasticwolf94, Princess Hinashi, Rajo, Rmitch306, SaphiraLayosis, UzumakiNaruto1238, Weronikapresley, riana miako, wecanflyawaytoGallifrey and zanaid. And thank you again to wecanflyawaytoGallifrey for commenting too. (I have saved the comment actually because it means so much to me!)
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I honestly don't know what I am hoping to achieve with this story. But something will definitely come out of this... something definitely will.