Originally written in July 2015.
It has been long ago since I could discern the both of you.
During daily life, I still can guide myself by your small mannerisms - your speech pattern, your voice, even the air around you.
But when night falls and it's dark under our blankets and my eyes are shut, sometimes I can't tell anymore who's loving me.
At first, I was trying to bring the original you back. He still exists and once in a while I can see him in your eyes, but there's also the other you who's a lot more present. As a lover, I feel it's a failure for me to barely be able to tell who's the one in front of me. But honestly, right now, I'm fine with either. I'm tired of this game of guessing. I don't want to try deciphering this puzzle anymore.
It's fine if it's only once in a while that I can recognize who's touching me.
The old you gives me tender kisses, runs his hand through my hair, does everything with such calm that it's scary and frustrating sometimes.
In the other hand, the younger one likes to tease and be rough. Pulling me, scratching me, leaving bites and whispering unconnected words.
I've learned to love the both sides you have, Akashi-kun. They've also told me countless times they love me too, so isn't this okay? I feel like I don't need to bring anyone back anymore. I can love you to my heart's content now.
I don't mind the marks on my back or the bites on my ear. I also don't mind the mess you make out of my hair or how my lips hurts from too much kissing.
After all, the warmth is the same. Both Akashi-kun are similar in the end.
Either emperor or prince, I want you tonight and everyday.
I wonder when I have became this clingy towards you.