It was Valentine's Day, and our four lovely starters were making chocolates for the Commander, as was base tradition.

There were a great many tales as to how exactly this tradition came about. Some say it all started with a Kansen with an exceptionally great love for the commander (depending on who you ask, it was either Akagi or Taihou), but unimpressive chocolatiering skills.

Knowing she was hopeless with making sweets, this young woman in love decided to hold a grand competition to see which KANSEN could make the best chocolate, all in an effort to pool the baking talents of the entire base together, and snatch the cream-of-the-crop for herself as a gift to her beloved Shikikan. The winner would get all their chores done for them for an entire month. In the end, so the story goes, a ship from the Royal Maid Corps won that competition, but refused the award as a matter of personal pride.

Others say that the KANSEN were just sick and tired of the only sweet stuff available on-base being Oxy-Cola, and whatever small items the human personeel managed to smuggle past the gate guards (which were always gobbled up by the destroyers before anyone else). Thus, some enterprising souls tried to make their own sweet stuff (including chocolate, of course), and the practice spread to the other nation's dorms.

Whatever the reason, most of the Shipgirls on-base now used this day as an opportunity to show their affection and gratitude for that young commander who has led them safely through the most treacherous of battles, time and time again.

"We're home." said Laffey and Javelin from the door, the latter excitedly, the former sleepily. They each carried a plastic bag brimming with all sorts of supplies.

As they entered, Javelin offhandedly looked at one corner of the room.

"Hey, I thought that new high-tech oven was gonna be installed today?"

"Akashi is going to come up in an hour to do it, yes." Ayanami answered.

"Which is why…" Z23 grabbed the bag of groceries from Laffey (who had fallen asleep while standing up, much to Ayanami's awe). "We have to quickly and efficiently finish these chocolates. No fooling around, you three!" she said, wagging her finger like a beleaguered teacher, or perhaps a mother.

"Now let's see what you bought…"

The short-haired blonde reached inside the plastic bag, and took out: A tin of cocoa powder, a tall carton of fresh milk, some eggs, a packet of salt, and a packet of sugar. Nimi nodded in approval.

"Ah, thank goodness, at least you got the basic ingredients right."

"Hey, what do you take us for, anyway?" Javelin huffed, putting down her own bag on the kitchen counter.

"Now, what's this?" Nimi asked, pulling open Javelin's bag to reveal a stack of colourful volumes inside.

"They're cookbooks! I thought we might like to try a different recipe than the one we always used!" said Javelin.

Nimi shuffled through the books, looking over the titles as well.

"… Jamie Oliver? I never thought he made chocolates, too."

After shuffling through a few more titles, she put the whole stack on top of the counter with a big thump.

"Well, I guess I can allow it. We can use one recipe now, and save the rest as surprises for next year's Valentine's… Hold up, what is that?"

Right there, at the very bottom of the bag, hidden until every other item was taken out, lay a volume that looked very out-of-place. Normally, cookbooks and bakebooks were big hardbacks with large glossy pages, all the better to showcase full-colour images of mouthwatering treats that You Too Can Make, enterprising young chef!

This one, however, was a paperback nearly half as small in the width and height department. There were images inside, but many of them weren't of food.

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Javelin read. She then flipped it over and read the back.

"... Wait a minute, this isn't a cookbook, this is a storybook." she exclaimed. That was when Z23 cut in.

"Javelin, the proper term is novel. Though, yes, this seems quite unhelpful to the task at hand, even if it does have the word 'Chocolate' on the cover…" the Ironblood destroyer said, taking the book from Javelin and fingering through the contents.

"Sorry… Zzz… Thought it was a cookbook…" Laffey tottered.

"Seriously…" Nimi said, giving her own forehead a light massage with her fingers. "Laffey, we really have to deal with this narcolepsy problem of yours. And soon, before it leads to something you'll really regret. A mistake in shopping is one thing, making a mistake in the middle of battle is quite another."

"I said I'm sorrrryyy…" said the bunny destroyer, her head now falling on top of the counter.

"Hey now, Nimi, why don't we go easy of Laff, okay? I know she's normally a sleepyhead, but she also had to do night patrols for the last few days, so we can't blame her for not feeling entirely up to it." Javelin said.

Nimi just sighed.

"I still think it's not just these last few days, but I guess I'll let it slide this time..."

She snapped her fingers.

"Jav, you and Ayanami get to heating the next batch of ingredients. Me and Laffey'll finish up with this current bowl."

Her tone of voice made Javelin and Ayanami salute her on instinct.

"Aye aye, Captain!"

As they ran off, Z23 sighed, and glanced back at the little novel.

"Ah well, it'd be such a waste to throw away such a new and untouched book, so I guess I'll keep this. Besides, I haven't read this one before." she said, with a little giggle.

There was certainly something very appealing in having a book all to yourself, that you knew you would be free to read and reference at your own pace without the looming deadline of a library book.

Laffey pouted. "I bought that book…"

"Yes, but the money you used to buy it came from my paycheck. And as far as I can remember, I gave you the money to buy ingredients and other stuff to help with chocolate-making, not novels."

"Oh, alright…" Laffey huffed.

At that point, Nimi decided to place the book on the high shelf. You don't want to get such a perfectly good book all mucked up with stains, after all. At that thought, the Iron Blood destroyer shuddered. Oh, the horror stories she could tell you, of the library books she found with thoroughly mysterious blemishes, in various shades of brown, yellow, and green.

It frequently kept her up at night.

She pulled a stool to her side of the kitchen, before stepping on top of it.

"..."

Suddenly, as she was tip-toeing, she heard a shout from the other side of the kitchen.

"Nimi! The pot is giving off all sorts of weird fumes!"

"What!? You girls, I leave you alone for five seconds…"

Thus, she leapt out of the chair and bounded over to the problem: A pot giving off smells that shouldn't ever be associated with chocolate.

"Mein gott! What in the world happened here!?"

Unfortunately, in her rush, Nimi didn't completely finish putting that book on the shelf. And a book only half-placed on a shelf was a very precarious thing indeed.

The book was ever-so-slightly more off the shelf than on it. Thus, the laws of gravitation took their natural course.

*Whop!*

Nimi felt a surge of horror flow through her, as she heard a squelch behind. Slowly, she turned her whole body around, her brain slowly registering the information her eyes were receiving.

Yes, the book fell into the mixing bowl. It's lower half was submerged in viscous chocolate.

"... That looks nasty, yes." Ayanami said.

And then, something even weirder happened.

For the first few seconds, the book, the chocolate mix, and the bowl itself were now sparkling, like the surface of the ocean on a sunny day.

There was a crackle of electricity, and out of thin air, a tiny black sphere appeared above the mixing bowl.

Then, some of the chocolate rose, as if sucked up by some invisible force, and entered the sphere.

The ball became bigger. Golfball-sized this time.

More chocolate entered the sphere, and it became even bigger, and bigger, and bigger, sucking in exponentially more chocolate as it did so, like a greedy child with a sweet tooth and a destiny of Type 2 diabetes.

Eventually, it sucked in all the chocolate in the bowl, and was now large enough that one of the girls could fit inside it while standing up.

It was an imposing sight. One could now also see within it the image of a factory of some kind, a stout building with smokestacks that reached high into the sky.

Arcs of electricity raced around the curvature of the sphere, and occasionally shot out into the kitchen.

It hovered over the kitchen counter, menacingly.

The girls took a step back.

"Keep away, girls. I don't like the look of that round… thing." Nimi said.

For a few moments, the girls were wary and cautious, as any good KANSEN should be.

For a few moments.

Then, the heavenly smell of chocolate suddenly washed over them all, at such richness and intensity that it can't possibly be coming from any of the chocolate they've made. Thus, there could only be one source…

"What is that?" Javelin asked, breathing in deeply. These new chocolatey fumes were rich and heavenly, not the burnt scent of death she and Ayanami just made.

It had a particularly strong effect on Ayanami.

"Mmmmm… chocolate…" she intoned, her eyes rolling back.

"Ah! A-Ayanami, wait! Ayanami, stop!"

Seemingly in a trance, the Sakura destroyer stretched both of her hands towards the hovering sphere, that source of the heavenly fragrance, and walked towards it.

"Hey Aya, come back!"

Running over to her, Nimi grabbed the back of Ayanami's collar, and attempted to pull her back.

Turning around, Javelin thumped the back of Laffey's head.

"Hey Laffey, help us out here!"

The other two rushed behind Nimi, Javelin holding Nimi's waist, and Laffey holding Javelin's waist. Together, they pulled.

The combined strength of three destroyers against one, had knocked all four of them to the floor.

Nimi slowly sat up, a hand to her head.

"Oww…"

For a moment, all seemed to be well.

"... Umm..."

Then, they saw a thin trail, snaking through mid-air.

It was a trail of burnt chocolate, levitating from the pot on the other side of the kitchen, right into the strange sphere.

"Uh oh, that doesn't look good." said Javelin.

"Mr. Big Floating Ball, I don't think you should eat that. It might cause indigestion, yes." said Ayanami.

But the warnings from the Sakura destroyer went unheeded. The unappetizing chocolate went into the sphere.

"..."

For a moment, nothing happened.

And then, great arcs of electricity were thrown around the room with even more power, pulling open drawers with metal handles to the floor, and throwing hanging utensils off their hooks.

It also started to suck the girls in like a vacuum cleaner.

"Aaah! Help us!"

"Told you so, yes." Ayanami said, as she was holding on for dear life, her fingers pressing around the edges of one of the kitchen tiles.

That was when the force of suction got even stronger.

It was then, at that very moment, that Nimi felt the need to say that classic line, compulsively said around the multiverse whenever a particularly disorienting ride was incoming.

"Everybody, hang on!"

All four girls were lifted off the ground, and spun like tornadoes as they were sucked into the strange sphere, the fabric of time and space contorting as they did so.

*Whomp!*

*Crackle*

*Crackle*

*Crackle*

*Creeeeeeeeeaaaaaakk*

The door to the kitchen opened. Coming in was a green-haired cat, dragging behind her a state-of-the-art oven on top of a dolly.

I've been knocking for the past minute, nya, but nobody answered. Do you people want your oven or-nya!? Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!"

Author's Notes

FYI, I'll be basing this primarily on the original Roald Dahl novel, with a smattering of Burton's 2005 film. I have never seen the version starring Gene Wilder, nor am I intending to. Of course, however, you are free to imagine the characters any way you see fit.

If any of you were wondering about how the hell I came up with this story, it's simple!

Just:

-Make a list of all fictional universes you have at least a halfway familiarity with (separated by medium, using spaces)

-Insert them in this list randomiser: lists/

-See what kind of unexpected combinations (separated by spaces) the algorithm gives you, and see if any of them spark your imagination! (even if you don't follow the combination exactly)