Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.
The brutal sounds of swords clashing against one another rang through the area, accompanied by the tragic suffocating screams of the living that abruptly halted once their corpses came crashing down on the rock-hard ground that reverberated relentlessly one after another. There was no end. Deafening roars left the giant monsters'—Titans'—mouth non-stop as they mercilessly trampled the ants beneath them along with their homes. It was like an earthquake. A bombing. It was so loud, so agonizing. So noisy. A titan-crazed woman like her should have been absolutely and undeniably thrilled at the mere sight of those beasts stomping their way towards her. But she was only human too, a human distressed by her fallen comrades that ceased to ever see life way beyond the walls and the vast Ocean. Freedom. They ceased to ever see freedom.
And that woman was none other than Hanji Zoe. She looked up wearily, knowing the fight must go on regardless. It had to go on. No matter how much she had lost, no matter how much she was losing it… the fight had to go on. The fight, the war, the battle it had to be carried out to the very bitter end until a victor emerges… right?
She looked up towards the papers she held. The papers she had to finish looking through before tomorrow came. Or maybe it was already tomorrow, Hanji couldn't tell for her curtains were closed shut, there wasn't any hope in that for a light to shine through. All she had was the lit lamp and other fixed lightings around her. But even with that, all she could see ahead was darkness.
She sat alone in her office. It was quiet, really. Silent as the dead. And yet, those dreadful memories came at her, haunting her with those excruciating sounds that never failed to send a shiver down her spine. It was a quiet room, but whatever was going on in her head was anything but that.
I shouldn't have been Commander. It didn't help that thoughts like that would intrude in her head frequently, worsening the voices. Why Erwin? Why me?
Eren had left—no, he had abandoned them not too long ago and travelled to the enemy's side. He went on ahead to pursue his mindless schemes that not even his close companions had an inkling about nor could they ever understand why. Not even a goodbye, had he left them with. He left without a warning, fled away to some island to achieve what he called 'freedom'.
"Not too long ago… you gave me solutions…" Hanji recalled all the experiments, all the fun she had with him. He had been Humanity's Last Hope. And that was what Hanji truly believed, for the results she obtained from him after countless experiments had undeniably paved a path for them to walk towards Freedom and hope. Away from those titans—cruel beings that Hanji was so helplessly fascinated with. But given the chance, Hanji rather trade her and their entire existence in exchange for all of them back. Her comrades. The ants they stomped on. "And now look at you… giving me problems and trouble." If it hadn't been for the knock on her door (a sound that she welcomed; it was better than the chaotic and piercing noises in her head.), she wouldn't have realised her clenched hand that came close to crushing the paper she was gripping. There was a sudden temptation to throw that paper away, everything on her desk away. Everything. She didn't want to be in this room, left alone with nothing but traumatic flashbacks and exhaustion. She didn't want to be in this room meant for a Commander. A position she believed she could never live up to. She—
The second knock on the door interrupted her disorderly train of thought, "Come in!" She quickly said, maybe a little too enthusiastically. Maybe even with more enthusiasm than how she was whenever she conducted those experiments of hers back then.
She hoped it was Levi. Please be Levi. It was selfish of her to think this, Hanji knew. Because even this late at night, she knew Levi and many others still had responsibilities to carry out. Nonetheless, she continued to wish for that Ackerman to appear. Perhaps he wasn't the best man to deal with someone who was in such a distraught and emotional state. But, if anything, he knew how to clean up messes. And more than anything, he was one of the few who could deal with the madness of Hanji Zoe. He was one of the few who understood her. He was someone close to her that she hadn't lost yet, and hoped to never lose ever. He was someone she needed company from. So please, she thought. Let it be—
"Sorry to bother." The feminine voice greeted her upon opening the door, and her height betrayed and ruined any remaining hope of Hanji's that it could be Levi. She was greeted by the other Ackerman. "It's Mikasa Ackerman. I have the reports you wanted from Armin."
"A-Ah…thank you. Place them here." Hanji gestured to the piles of reports that she still had to go through. She felt lucky that she hadn't given into the temptation to rip apart and throw everything away; because then she wouldn't know how to explain to Mikasa, who probably knew nothing of the true pain residing in her heart. She did feel disappointed that it wasn't Levi, but what could she expect? This wasn't a fairy-tale where happily ever after would appear so conveniently at the doorstep.
She watched Mikasa enter the room, and briefly envied her. The way she walked in was awfully graceful, her movements were smooth and the way she held Armin's report with such care made Hanji wonder how could she be so calm. Or maybe, it was just her in the entire Survey Corps who was going overly insane. If it weren't for the eyebags that betrayed Mikasa, Hanji would've been tempted to ask her how she got through it. The exhaustion. She had almost forgotten that people were different. Thus, they all dealt with things differently. And that included Mikasa.
Her pain could never be compared to Mikasa. They were all different. Mikasa currently grieved the loss of a loved one who was still alive and breathing but lost while Hanji suffered from her own inferiority complex she didn't even know she had. How could she fit in Erwin's shoes?
Mikasa placed the report down just as gently as the way she came in. She even took the initiative to straighten the pile of papers, eliminating any corners and edges that had been sticking out. Hanji nodded in thanks, and when she took a glimpse at Mikasa, she didn't understand. She couldn't decipher the emotions in her eyes nor face; aside from her weariness indicated clearly by her eyebags. Other than that, she looked blank. Even Levi who was similar to her in more ways than one, showed more emotion than this. Then again, he only ever let that vulnerability slip when he was alone with her. He could reveal so many things to her in a single look and without a single word. Perhaps it was because they were close, unlike how she was to Mikasa.
That or, her missing eye was the cause of her inability to see. To really see. And for a fleeting moment, Hanji pondered if the loss of her left eye was the reason why she couldn't see the damn solution to this mess.
"Do you need me to pass anything to anyone, Commander Hanji?" Hanji winced at the end of her question. Irritation and guilt filled her for a small second upon that reminder—that she was the Commander. She would take back her earlier nod of thanks she gave to the if she could, it wasn't the papers that needed cleaning up anyway. No, no Hanji… I'm being too… petty. It isn't Mikasa's fault. She doesn't know that I…don't want to…
"No, thank you for bringing it here. Thank you." Hanji wondered if she had sub-consciously said her thanks twice verbally because she felt bad for wanting to withdraw her nod of thanks earlier, for fixing and straightening the other reports. "You may leave."
Back to being alone, was what Hanji wanted to think before bracing herself from the attacks going on in her head. But Mikasa didn't move.
"Mikasa…? Is—"
"Sorry." She apologised, her eyes shifting towards the cupboards around the office. "May I ask something…?"
Did she notice the damn mess I'm in? Hanji pondered, anxiously. There were only a few people Hanji dared to let her guard down completely. And Mikasa wasn't one of them. She couldn't let her own subordinates see any more of her weakness, because she feared it may affect their faith in her.
Truth be told, she felt like sobbing on the ground right now like a damned whiny, bratty child because the stress was too much. It was all too much. Every decision had to be approved by her and a single wrong move and approval could cost another hundred soldiers. She missed and craved and wanted her life back as the scientist. Admittedly, she could take that life back. She could give up this title to someone probably more suitable. But because she trusted Erwin so much, she couldn't just carelessly and ignorantly toss this burden of a title away. She couldn't just run away. She couldn't. Because at the end of the day, Hanji wanted freedom too. It's just… she didn't want to seize it in a way as harshly as Eren.
"Yes, what is it?" Hanji forced a calmness in her voice, hoping that this solider worth a hundred wouldn't see through her façade.
"Do you have… any medicine here?" Mikasa queried, "I've been having… insomnia and headaches. It's been affecting my performance recently and I want it to stop. The infirmary cabinets are locked, and the nurses nor doctors aren't around right now…" She sounded so absurdly and naturally nonchalant as she said this that even if she was faking it, Hanji would be unable to tell. How does she do it?
Despite Hanji's natural curious nature, she chose not to pry. There was a line and she didn't want to cross. Besides, with all these tragedies happening… she was gradually forgetting what it felt like; to be a scientist. To be curious and to have one's curiosity piqued.
"Yes, I do. Hold on." Hanji opened one of her drawers, taking out an unopened bottle of pills and passed it to Mikasa. "Take one only. It's the stronger type. Afterwards, tell the others working to call it day. You need rest." She hadn't taken any pills for her exhaustion, and the only 'medication' she received for her suffering came in the form of a cup of tea prescribed by Levi. Even if she knew these pills could numb her pain and give her a temporary fake paradise, she knew better than to take them in her state right now. She knew better than to be too reliant on medicine like that, that could become a poison if Hanji ever went mad enough to decide to indulge on them as opposed to just simply take it. She didn't even know how and why she got them in the first place, and she couldn't care less about it.
Hanji watched her cautiously examine the bottle, before passing her a cup of water she poured for herself earlier, but never really got to drink. Maybe it was because she got a little too use to Levi's random appearance, coming in with two cups of tea that never failed to soothe her senses. She had almost forgotten that he was a busy man who had other matters to deal with, too.
"Here." She added, and Mikasa nodded in thanks before she took the cup, that had accidentally knocked itself against a pencil on the table, causing it to drop. "Ah—"
"I'll pick it up." Hanji assured, before bending down to search for the fallen stationary. Despite it being of a lighter sound as compared to the sounds of bones being crushed, Hanji found it all the same. Just as how the pencil presumably accidentally fallen, a single accident in her calculations, could result in more than a single death. Tsk… even a damn pencil can remind me of these things… She sighed as she thought this, before grabbing the pencil. Well, unlike the pencil… I can never bring them back up to life…
She remembered telling Mikasa something like that some time back.
'I also have people I want to raise back up…there are hundreds. It's painful, even so we have to step forward.'
They never talked about it since. They moved past it, and Hanji assumed it was a sort of understanding that didn't need any further confrontations. There didn't seem like there was a need to.
"Well, whatever…" Hanji muttered to herself as she slowly rose back up to her seat. And despite having one eye left that still required the assistance of a lens to see clearly, it was sharp enough to identify the danger that Mikasa had just placed herself in.
Hanji never felt her tiredness disappear so fast, nor did she think she would be able react so swiftly when her body had felt heavy this entire time. She hadn't physically felt her heart palpitate this quick in a while, and she hated that it was because of fear, yet again, and not because of some fun thrill. Her arm stretched out across the table and ruthlessly snatched Mikasa's own arm before she could ingest the pills she had in her palm. The force of her snatch inevitably caused the pills to drop on the ground, and the table had felt the impact from Hanji's rough movements and as a result, which caused the papers Mikasa helped arranged neatly to disperse and fall.
That other entirely different mess was the least of their concern, though.
The pill-drop silence was incredibly mortifying, and the intense gaze of Hanji Zoe didn't lessen the tension any bit.
Mikasa was frankly startled by Hanji's reaction, she hadn't expected for her reaction to be that immediate after her 'accident', considering she looked too tired. She had underestimated her.
"I said take one, Mikasa." There was a sternness in her tone, and even if that statement wasn't exactly a reprimand it sounded like a chide. But it didn't sound like how a Commander would scold her subordinates though, there was something else hidden beneath the anger and worry in her tone that Mikasa and Hanji were yet to identify. Mikasa wanted to rip her gaze away from Hanji's, but she couldn't. Her single eye could hold her so tightly, it was quite suffocating. Her grip too.
There had been a rumour a long time ago that it was Hanji who was the scariest when she got angry, and here Mikasa was to confirm that rumour to be a fact.
"I'm sorry." It was her third sorry that night and unlike the other two, this one felt broken. She was breaking, her perfect façade was shattering. Even a soldier worth a hundred had their limits. This was Mikasa's, and she didn't know why.
There was no mention of Eren. No mention of her suffering; no implications of it. There was no conversation made about the current situation about him. All she did was enter her office to deliver a report. And who would've known her desperateness to seek a brief escape would've gotten the best of her, which led to her meeting a fierce look upon being caught red handed for the defiant actions she conducted when she got her hands on what she could be her escapism.
Or maybe Hanji's intervention in her silliness, in her recklessness had reminded her of everything—it had reminded her how careless she could be when she was troubled. She hadn't even realised she took more than one pill until after Hanji pointed it out. Had she lost so much that she couldn't even control her body; that seemed to seek an escape even if it'd cost her deathly consequences?
And it was all because of one man. She felt like a fool. She felt like a fool for still caring about him so much. She wondered if she was in denial about who he was and the destruction he might soon bestow to the innocent. She didn't even know what he was doing anymore, or who he was. And for some reason she felt responsible for it. For him.
But that one man was the root of everyone's current stresses and problems and predicaments. Some just suffered more because of the ties they made with him… the ties that they couldn't cut. The ties she couldn't bring herself to cut. She was still wearing that damned, precious red scarf.
I'm pathetic. "I'm sorry." It was her fourth sorry, and she managed to look away and take back her arm when Hanji regained her composure, as well as softened upon seeing her distress; the distress she was unable to conceal in front of her Commander.
Mikasa had somewhat fought this woman before, back when she stopped her from saving her beloved friend, Armin. It was safe to assume that she wasn't afraid of her, even if she was her Commander. For her loved ones, she was fearless.
However, in this moment, where she let her vulnerability carelessly slip. She was. She was terrified and she didn't know why. Was it because she didn't want people who weren't so close to her see her at her weakest and lowest point? But then again, she didn't even want Armin to see this side of her.
Everyone was suffering. Everyone was pained. Everyone was tired. She didn't want to add on to that and burden all of them even more. There was just no time and space for her to act like a childish girl.
And ironically, she was here, breaking… in front of her. It was pathetically hypocritical.
Even if she and Hanji weren't close, Mikasa wasn't blind. She knew her Commander was undergoing her own troubles, too. The way she saw Hanji grip her paper as if she wanted to shred it to pieces, the way her remaining eye looked so sad when it saw Mikasa; as if it was looking for some form of solace that she couldn't get from her. If anything, it would be extremely absurd if anyone here wasn't uneasy about this entire predicament. But Mikasa said nothing about that to Hanji. Because she knew not to meddle. Because she knew she wasn't the person she was looking for.
And because she knew her Commander was so troubled, she resented herself even more for looking like a mess in front of her, for almost attempting something so stupid and something that she didn't fully consider the effects of the aftermath had she done that.
Now she wanted nothing more to leave, even if her gaze softened she still felt the lingering intensity of her look piercing right through her soul. She didn't want to give her more trouble to deal with either.
"…I'll take my leave now, Commande—"
"Don't." Hanji had cut her off harshly, she didn't need that now. "Don't call me that." She sounded sharp, and her voice was raising. And it was the second time she snapped in less than an hour. "Not now. Not here. Just call me Hanji."
A pause. It was brief, and she didn't give Mikasa enough time to even glance at the spilled pills on the hard, wooden floor.
"Are you tired, Mikasa?" It was an odd question, wasn't the answer obvious enough? There were a few times when Mikasa had observed Hanji's curious, crazy and hyper nature. She always found it an oddity. She was an enigma to her. She couldn't understand her craze over titans, and there were times she forgot she was human too—considering there were moments where she neglected the well-being of others for the sake of experimentation. But she was reminded, how this crazy scientist was a human too… back then, on the roof, her arms wrapped around her as both a restraint and a comfort.
They never talked often. Their relationship was merely soldier and Commander. Thus, they never talked about that incident, nor bothered to seek solace from one another even if Hanji had back then revealed to her that their pain was so similar.
"Yes." Mikasa answered truthfully, there was no hiding anymore. Her eyes found itself fixating on the pills she dropped, and she felt her stomach clenching and churning with disgust and disappointment at her pathetic state. Because how dare she attempt to run away when she was the one who wanted to bring him back the most? And how dare she forget his words that had been her motivation to push on?
"But… in order to win we must fight." She uttered, and faced back towards Hanji whose eye brimmed with such anguish and agony upon hearing her words that Mikasa couldn't possibly understand why. "I… shouldn't have… I just… right now… in that moment I was—"
She was interrupted yet again by Hanji, whose hands reached out— albeit not as forcefully as just now— and held both her hands together, gently.
"Treasure your life, Mikasa." A part of Hanji realised how hypocritical she sounded, because she couldn't tell herself that sometimes, during dark times. However, this was what she truly wanted Mikasa to believe.
There was a tenderness in Hanji's voice, it didn't sound as authoritative as compared to earlier but rather more… motherly. Mikasa didn't know how else to put it. Regardless, she was surprised that Hanji seemed to care for her a lot, even if they weren't close. Perhaps, it was because she didn't want to lose anyone anymore no matter how trivial their connection was.
Hanji parted her lips, as if wanting to offer more soothing words but Mikasa stopped her before she could. "It's okay." She assured, before carefully withdrawing her hands from Hanji's grasp that soon loosened. "Thank you, C-… Hanji." Mikasa quickly corrected, and Hanji shook her head. "I barely said anything… don't thank me." She sighed softly. And it was true, she didn't offer that much comforting words. But there was something unspoken and unsaid in the moment that both of them seemed to understand. Maybe it was because at the root of it all, their current troubles was all because of… him.
"I should… leave." Mikasa spoke, not wanting to keep Armin waiting too long. She wanted to ask Hanji whether if she would relay this incident to others, but something told her this incident would stay between them. She turned, and made her way towards the exit.
"Wait." Hanji called, albeit a little hesitantly. "Do you… really think the only way to win is to fight?"
Mikasa didn't turn around and only halted in her steps. She considered Hanji's words, and for the first time contemplated the words Eren had told her almost a decade ago.
Everyone was tired from this fight. From this constant war that stole too much from everyone. It would be so much better if things could be sorted more… peacefully.
"I… don't know." Mikasa was caught off guard by the doubt in her voice, but decided to shove it down. "I just… want everything to go back to how it was before." And suddenly, she sounded desperate.
"Me too." Hanji said solemnly, before taking a deep breath. That was enough for today, it was better for Mikasa to go rest and collect her thoughts as opposed to staying in this sullen room, chatting about sad things to make her sadder. Hanji could only hope that insomnia wouldn't consume her that night. "Tell the others who had been overworking to take a break tomorrow too. I think you all should have time to… recuperate." She instructed before bidding her a farewell. "Sleep well, Mikasa."
"You too, Hanji." The unfamiliar word or rather name left her lips; it was strange calling her so informally. But she was still in this office, and the least Mikasa could do was follow her request to the end. "Take care." And Mikasa left.
Hanji observed her as she walked off, until her vision was cut by the closed door. And she couldn't help but feel an immense amount of pity for her. "She still carried her façade as she walked out…" She mumbled to herself, having noted the exact smooth and confident movements Mikasa walked out with just as she came in. How much of her pain was she keeping to herself? At least I have Levi to talk to… and so does he with me. But Mikasa… it seems…
As Hanji pondered about this, she found herself walking towards her windows, before ripping her curtains open and was greeted by the moonlight as opposed to the rays of sunlight. And in this moonlight, one thing caught her eye.
She walked towards the little object that sat innocently in the little light the moon offered, and crushed it with her foot mercilessly. The pill, that was. One of the pills. "I ought to throw that bottle away… it's not like I even eat it." She sighed, and walked towards the area where her papers were scattered on the ground, without a care in the world for that crushed pill. She now wondered if this was how some of those titans felt whenever they stepped on them, killing them.
As Hanji bent down and gathered the scattered pieces of paper, she then found herself wondering if Mikasa saw as much vulnerability as she had seen in Mikasa. And if not, she wondered if the world had enough bad humour to make her crumble as much as the raven had in front of her.
"Oi, shitty glasses." A familiar voice dragged Hanji back to reality. "I knocked three times and you didn't answer." She had been immersed in her thoughts so much that she hadn't even noticed.
A wave of relief flooded in her heart when she heard him, though. She slowly turned towards the male who clicked his tongue agitatedly at the clutter of papers on the ground. He made his way towards her, placing their cups of tea down, and was about to offer her help after making a snide remark. But stopped. Flinched and hesitated.
Hanji was confused, and was about to ask why until Levi spoke. "Why are you… crying?"
Now, she realised the tears coursing down her cheeks like a river. But oddly, she laughed. A laughter so fatigued yet hysterical, which increased Levi's concern.
"I don't know." She lifted her glasses shakily and wiped a tear away. "I'm just… very tired."
Author's notes: I told myself to take a break from writing because of my stupid busy life, and that I should focus on my studies or something; but something angsty happened yesterday to me that I ended up spending my entire night writing this as an angst vent and making a few corrections in the morning lmao.
I really love Mikasa and Hanji a lot as characters, and I wished they interacted more I guess… so this happened. :P It'd be nice if they had a closer relationship(platonic) like a mother-daughter? I don't know haha; the idea just intrigues me. I hope I managed to convey them and their feelings okay haha. I wanted to write why Hanji cried at the end in another paragraph but decided to leave it ambiguous for reasons haha.
This will be a series of one-shots/two-shots? BUT it won't be updated normally; its just a side thing I'll write when I have time and have Writer's block I guess. But unlike ao3 where you can make series of one-shots; like compile them i don't think ff net can? I plan to post them separately in the future if i ever write more about this on this web.
Anyway,, Please Leave A Review and Thanks For Reading!