Clutching her cup of coffee a bit closer to herself, Cremia mentally thanked whoever had gone to the headmistress to talk about getting a coffee machine installed. Truly, they were doing the work of the goddesses. Although she was not quite sure exactly who had been the one to make the suggestion, Cremia already knew that she would not have hesitated to hug them and shower them with praise for the amazing idea, especially as the wind cut through her jacket like knives, making it feel like she might as well have been wearing a light summer dress rather than the combination of a sweater and her largest jacket. As she took another sip of her coffee, letting the warm drink do a little to keep the cold at bay, Cremia could not have imagined how she would have got through that particular week of being one of the teachers on playground duty if it had not been for the option of bringing a mug of coffee with her.
Not for the first time, Cremia found herself wishing that she could have been a bit more like Romani, having her ability to seemingly never be bothered by the temperature outside, always ready to run outside no matter the how thick the layer of snow on the ground was. Looking out over the schoolyard, Cremia found herself wondering if maybe the talent of lying down in the snow without giving the cold a second thought was just something that children seemed to possess and then lose as they got older. At the very least, the amount of children running around in front of her, a few of them throwing fistfuls of snow at each other, but most of them seemingly content to just throw snow at themselves, would seem to support that theory.
"Cold?" Kafei joined her, the sight of the steam rising from his mug telling her the reason why he had just gone inside for a few minutes.
She nodded, the movement making her shiver slightly as the wind found another way to attack her. "Yes, quite cold, actually." almost like it wanted to prove that she was telling the truth, the coughing fit that had followed her around almost incessantly during the last couple of month returned, making Cremia have to cover her mouth with her sleeve as she felt like she was trying to cough up a lung. When she was finally able to breathe, blinking the tears that had formed in the corners of her eyes away, Cremia tried her best to continue on with the conversation, ignoring the worried glance Kafei sent her way. "And is it just me, or is the coffee not nearly as warm as it used to be?" she gestured at the cup in her hands and how the liquid had already reached a temperature that was more lukewarm than anything else. Really, Cremia already had a good idea of what the answer to that particular question would be, how it was most likely simply a matter of how she had let it become cold by bringing it outside, but that did not keep her from turning around to look at Anju, who, as she stood there next to her, trying her best to pull a couple of snowflakes out of her hair, did not appear to worry too much about the cup of coffee she had placed on the table next to them. "What about you, Anju? You must have noticed what I am talking about."
Anju merely sent her a smile as she shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe." picking up her own mug of coffee, she looked towards the children around them before drinking the last bit of coffee. "Or else you have just let it wait for too long."
Before Cremia got a chance to answer, the sound of screams redirected their attention towards their job, the three of them looking up just in time to see Ciela sprint past them, halfway turning around to laugh at the children chasing after her while holding up her carton of chocolate milk in a victorious gesture.
Cremia winched internally as she saw how Ciela, in her attempt to win what appeared to be some kind of foot race, missed the clump of ice in front of her, with the result being that she ran directly over it. Maybe it would have been fine if she had just been a bit luckier, but for now, it would seem that luck was not exactly the most common thing in the schoolyard, as Ciela's foot got stuck underneath the ice sending her crashing to the ground and making her loose her grip on the carton in the process.
The drink went flying, and although Cremia was able to judge the distance and knew from how many times she had been in the exact same situation with Romani that it would be a good idea for her to move aside, she simply stood there, watching as the carton of chocolate milk hit her, staining the small part of her dress that the jacket was not quite long enough to cover before hitting the ground.
Next to her, Cremia heard Kafei let out a soft 'oh no' as Ciela hit the ground as well, and the next moment, he had pushed his cup of coffee over to her, already running over to make sure she was all right, Cremia and Anju following right behind.
"Are you okay?" Kafei asked as he crouched down, extending a hand to help her get up again.
For a moment, Ciela simply blinked, and Cremia could recognise the blank stare of someone who was trying their best to take in too many impressions all at once from how Romani had looked while clutching her hand at the funeral. Still, as Ciela accepted the help and slowly got back up, Cremia was fairly certain that while the fall was no doubt quite the scare, the snowsuit and the snow on the ground itself would have made sure to cushion her fall.
"I—I think so," Ciela mumbled, her voice shaky as she tried her best to determine the answer to the question, "but my chocolate milk—" Cremia could see the exact moment where Ciela looked past Kafei and over at her from the way her eyes went wide and shiny, her lower lip trembling slightly when she spotted the stain.
Thankfully, Kafei cut in before the situation would have got worse than it already was. "Yeah, that was quite the surprise wasn't it?" he nodded in the direction of the piece of ice. "It's a good thing that you did not get hurt during the fall, don't you think?" as Ciela nodded, still not looking away from Cremia, Kafei continued. "If you go back to your friends and the game you were playing, then I will make sure to get rid of that chunk of ice so that it will not be able to make anyone fall again, okay?"
Ciela's eyes flickered over to Cremia, still fixed on the stain on her dress, but at least she was no longer looking like she was about to cry, instead nodding for a moment before running back over to her friends. Only a few seconds later, Cremia could hear how they were agreeing that the results from the race did not count and that Ciela should now get a head start as a form of consolation.
"Are you okay as well?" Kafei asked, bringing her attention back to the situation in front of her as he began to dig up the chunk of ice.
"Yeah," Cremia said with a small shrug, "it was nothing, really. But if you could take back your cup then that would be great. I don't really feel like holding it for the rest of the break."
From her spot next to her, Anju reached out to put an arm around her shoulders, and Cremia had to do her best to look unfazed as Kafei responded to her answer with a small smile before grabbing both the piece of ice and the cup of coffee Cremia handed to him before pushing himself off the ground once more.
"Good." as they made their way back over to where the carton of chocolate milk was still lying in the snow, the remnants of the drink that was leaking out of where the carton had fallen apart as it had hit the ground staining the snow, Kafei nodded at her. "I am sorry about not asking earlier, but," he gave a toss of the head in the direction of where Ciela had now resumed the race with the other children, the sound of her laughing as she seemingly won the competition audible even over the general level of noise in the schoolyard, "it did not feel like it would have been a good idea to ask about it."
That, Cremia could only agree with. Pulling the jacket a bit closer around her, she nodded. "Oh, definitely. But I am going to have to ask you to do my job for a moment seeing as I really don't want to have to explain to twenty fifth graders why I have chocolate milk on my dress."
"Understandable," Kafei laughed, "I would not want to have to explain that either."
Before Cremia got the chance to turn around to head inside, Anju handed her now empty mug over to Kafei as well and turned to face her. "I am coming with you," she stated, taking a quick step forward to stand next to her.
"Are you really that eager to get a chance to be inside? I would not have thought that of you!" Kafei commented, though the twinkle in his eyes was quick to tell them that it was fine. He did also only manage to keep a straight face for a couple of seconds before he had to give in to the smile. "No, it's fine. I am perfectly capable of looking after a bunch of children who do not seem to be able to feel cold for a couple of minutes; you two can just go."
"If we get back to find anyone injured, we are never going to stop teasing you about that," Anju promised before turning around and taking Cremia's hand. "Come on," she said, sending her a small smile, "I have something you can change into."
Cremia could practically fell how her cheeks turned warmer, and, sending a quick thankyou to the goddesses for having given her the perfect explanation of it simply being due to the cold weather, she did her best to ignore the way she could feel how the butterflies were fluttering around in her stomach. She should probably have said something, reminded Anju of how she already had a change of clothes in her locker for situations like these, but as Anju began to pull her over towards the entrance of the school, she could not find the words to tell her that, really, she was perfectly able to handle this on her own. Right then, Cremia was just grateful that the older students preferred staying inside during the breaks to running around outside and getting snow thrown at them, for Cremia knew that she was acting more like some of the lovesick students that seemed to need to send little notes to their special someone during classes the same way they needed to breathe than the rational adult she hoped to look like. And if there was one thing worse than being unable to look at her best friend without feeling a slight twinge of sadness at the realisation that she had to stay quiet about her feelings for her, it would be to know that the students were aware of it. For while Anju might not appear to have any idea of Cremia's feelings for her, Cremia had overheard enough gossip during the six months she had worked at Clock Town School to known that it was almost impossible to keep things hidden from the students.
All in all, when she finally spotted the door to the staff room, the two of them having made their way through the hallways without meeting a single student, Cremia had to fight the sigh of relief that was making its way into the air between herself and Anju.
"Just wait a second," Anju told her as she held open the door, gesturing for Cremia to sit down on one of the chairs that were placed around the tables in the room. Moments later, she had disappeared around the corner, but the sound of her digging through the contents of her locker was still loud enough for Cremia to know that she had not left the room, so she leant back in the chair and tried to simply enjoy the feeling of being inside in a nice, warm room rather than standing outside in the snow with only a cup of coffee to serve as a source of heat.
Towards the back of the room, Cremia spotted Linebeck sitting on the couch, having put his feet up onto the table in front of him and with a book in front of his face. Seeing as he seemingly decided that there was no need to comment on the fact that they were still supposed to be outside, ready to help the children if they needed them, Cremia decided not to remind him of how they had agreed not to use the tables as a footstool during the latest staff meeting. It was simply the easiest way to act around Linebeck.
"Ta-da!" the sound of Anju presenting her with the tiny stack of clothes tore her gaze away from where Linebeck shifted in the couch, leaning even further back, in an instant.
Twisting around in the chair, not quite managing to not press a hand to her chest, Cremia saw how Anju had somehow managed to not only find a spare change of clothes, but also to move back to stand behind her without Cremia noticing it.
Her reaction had not gone by unnoticed; she could see that from the way Anju sent her an apologetic look as she handed her the clothes, mouthing a low 'I'm sorry' at her.
Still, as Cremia got up to go to the toilet to change, she could not ignore the way her stomach felt like someone had just released a thousand butterflies when her hand brushed past Anju's in the process of accepting the clothes, a thing that was most definitely not a good sign, neither for Cremia herself, their friendship, or Cremia's chances of keeping everything hidden from the students.
Sometimes, Cremia could not help but wonder if the teachers were not actually more prone to gossiping than the students they were supposed to teach. Although she had often overheard snippets of conversations about who was dating who, which students were no longer talking to one another due to some kind of conflict that would undoubtedly result in someone yelling and throwing their book hallway through the room during one of her classes, and had got much more information about who would not be invited to parties than what Cremia would have liked to know, it would never be able to trump the conversations that took place during their lunch break. At least Cremia would have liked to see a student who was able to sit down with the same look of being about to let her in on a secret that Kafei sent her as he pulled out the empty chair next to her, glancing at their surroundings before he sat down an leant over towards her.
"Have you told her?" he asked, barely keeping his voice down enough to ensure that the rest of the room would not be able to hear him.
Cremia lifted an eyebrow in response. Already, she knew that she had a guess about just whom he was referring to, but if she was wrong, there was no need to give herself away by mentioning her name, and so, Cremia decided to pretend not to know as she placed her sandwich down on the plate in front of her before asking for clarification. "Who is 'her'?"
"Anju." Kafei rolled his eyes, somehow making the gesture seem even more dramatic than the few times Cremia had seen it used by her younger sister.
So much for their supposed maturity, Cremia thought, catching the last half of what seemed to be a discussion about the latest staff meeting.
When she did not immediately answer, Kafei seemingly took it upon himself to make it clear exactly what he was referring to, as he continued. "Come on, Cremia, I know that you might think that you are good at hiding it, but I can see the way you look at her. Just tell her, what do you have to lose?"
That was at least a question Cremia had already pondered, so she was able to give an answer without hesitation. "Our friendship," she shot back, "that is what I have to lose if I say something and it turns out that she does not feel the same way about me."
It had seemed like such an obvious thing to worry about that Cremia had almost expected Kafei to accept the explanation and go back to his own lunch. But of course she was not that lucky, and rather than merely nodding, Kafei tilted his head to the side. "Why would it ruin your friendship?"
"Because it would become awkward. Anju would have to deal with having to tell me that she does not feel the same about me, and I would have to try my best to act like I had never mentioned it in the first place. It is just going to be a mess, and you know that I already have enough messes to deal with at home."
"Yeah, I know about Romani and her love for throwing things through the room. However, you also seem to forget that Anju and I dated each other for a couple of years, and I don't think it has made it awkward between us." Kafei raised an eyebrow almost like he was wordlessly daring her to disagree and give him an excuse to continue.
Buying herself a moment to think by taking a bite of her sandwich, Cremia glanced over at him, halfway expecting Kafei to be smiling at her. But he was not. Instead, Kafei was looking at her with an expression on his face that did not at all look like he was joking, his eyes not twinkling like they used to when he was moments away from reaching the punchline, and his eyebrows pulled into a slight frown.
As the time the sandwich was able to provide to her with came to an end, Cremia decided that it would appear that the only thing that would make him agree with her on her decision of not telling Anju anything about how a single smile from her was enough to turn even the worst days into an amazing week and how Cremia could always count on Anju's presence to make even the task of grading assignments seem like it would only take a couple of hours would be the truth.
So, making sure not to look like she was about to share her reasons for wanting to keep the relationship between herself and Anju the way it had always been rather than being open about the fact that if Anju ever was to suggest anything else, Cremia would not hesitated to say yes, she shook her head. "That might be true, but I don't want to risk anything. Besides, it is different; we are older now. If I tell her and it turns out that she does not feel the same way about me, I can already imagine the awkwardness between us—and no," seeing how Kafei was about to interrupt her, Cremia held up her hand, letting her voice grow a bit stronger as she hurried to add, "I know that you were able to do it and still remain friends, but I don't want to risk it."
Maybe Kafei heard the slight hint of desperation in her voice, or perhaps Cremia was not giving herself enough credit for her ability to convince him. No matter the reason, fact was that, after pausing for a second to send her a long glance, Kafei did actually nod at her. "So you are not going to tell her?"
"No," Cremia confirmed, "I am not."
And maybe it was because he pitied her and her hopeless crush, but as Anju came over to join them, grabbing a chair to sit down next to them, Kafei kept himself from making poorly hidden comments about the fact that Cremia could practically feel how she gravitated towards Anju throughout the conversation, making up a lie about what they had been talking about the moment before Anju had returned to the table to save Cremia from having to face the realisation that she would never have been able to lie to her when she looked down at her with that smile. But, right then, Cremia did not care for his reasons to spare her from the embarrassment of knowing just how much like her students she was acting at the mere thought of simply admitting the truth to Anju. All that mattered was the fact that she was able to continue on with her life like she had always done for at least a little while longer.
As the conversation continued around her, Anju retelling how she had tried her best to explain the different political parties and the different ideologies to her students, Cremia had to stifle a cough, or rather, she attempted to. No matter how hard she fought not to interrupt Anju, Cremia could not hide the coughing fit completely as it almost bubbled up from deep within her lungs, reaching the surface in a muttered apology and attempts at hiding it behind the sleeve of her sweater.
She felt how their worried glances fell on her as she tried to brush off the minute she had just spent coughing like she would not be able to breathe if she were to stop for even a moment with a smile. Even then, Cremia knew that she was trying to fool herself into thinking that everything was fine as much as she was trying to convince them of the same.
As she stood there in front of the students, trying to make them care about the difference between series connection and parallel connection, the discovery that she had forgot her book or that she at the very least could not find it anywhere in her rucksack was not exactly what Cremia had hoped would happen when she had left her flat that morning.
Feeling how twenty pairs of eyes were on her, following her movements as she dug through the contents of her bag, hoping that if she just kept looking, then the book would magically appear in front of her, Cremia was acutely aware of just why she had tried to form the habit of going through her things at least once before going to her next class just to make sure that she would not find herself in this situation. But it would seem that she had forgot about her rule.
It was all because of Anju. If Anju had not entered the staff room only a couple of minutes before the first lesson was supposed to start with snowflakes in her hair, the white and red creating a stark contrast and the cold air outside having made her cheeks turn red, Cremia was sure that she would have remembered to make sure that she brought everything she would need along with her as she exited the room to make it to her first class of the day in time.
Admitting defeat, Cremia turned towards the students in front of her and tried not to notice the way the twenty-one sixth graders seemed to already have realised what was wrong.
"Uh, I think that I have failed to remember to bring my book with me," she began, trying her best to sound calm, "so if you will just continue on with the questions in the book, then I will head over to the staff room to—"
The sound of the door squeaking on tis hinges interrupted her, making Cremia instinctively spin around, both grateful for the distraction and slightly annoyed at the person for not remembering to open the door slowly so that the sound would not be that loud. But as she saw who had just entered the room, both feelings gave way for the familiar sensation of the tips of her ears turning red.
Anju smiled slightly as she stepped over the doorstep. "I'm sorry to disturb you guys," she said before turning to face Cremia, "but I think you forgot this." she held up the book, and Cremia could have run over to hug her when she saw that it was exactly the one she had been looking for. Had it not been for the students watching her every move, she might even have done it, but seeing as she was already hearing bits and pieces of a couple of whispered conversations, she decided to simply smile at Anju, hoping that it would be enough to convey how glad she was that she had managed to save her just in time, sparing her from having to return to a classroom that would no doubt have managed to descend into chaos in the time it would have taken her to get back to the staff room, get her book and then return.
"Thank you," Cremia said, and the words had barely left her mouth before she knew that the tone had been just a bit too warm, sounding a bit too much like Anju had done much more than merely bringing her her book. In a way, Cremia supposed that was also the case. After all, during those past few months she had worked at the school, all of her time had generally been spent either in the presence of her students, Romani, or Kafei and Anju. Cremia was not blind to the fact that she had Anju and Kafei to thank for her not having been too lonely during those years at the college of education. Still, hoping that it would keep the gossiping at a minimum, Cremia decided to add onto her thankyou. "I was actually just wondering where I had left it."
"Well, I found it on your table." Anju looked like she was about to say something more, but at the last moment, she glanced out at the students and closed her mouth, instead shaking her head ever so slightly and placing the book on Cremia's desk before returning to the door. "But I should probably leave now. Goodbye. Try not to burn down the school, will you?"
Cremia wanted to say something, to ask her not to leave, but as she stood there, all too aware of how she was standing in front of the whiteboard with the pen in her hand and her book now lying on the table in front of her, the only thing she could do was to send her one last smile as she tried to ignore the way her throat felt like thorns were ripping it apart from the inside as another coughing fit made its way up from deep within her lungs.
"Sure, well, thank you for bringing me my book," Cremia called out after Anju as she closed the door behind her. A cough interrupted the last word and only moments later, Cremia was finding herself forced to grip onto the edge of her table, her knuckles turning white as she did her best to not fall over.
The pain that accompanied the coughs were unlike anything she had ever experienced before, and given how she had seemed to have coughed almost non-stop for the past six months, Cremia felt like she was able to say that it was without a doubt not how it was supposed to feel to have a cold. The feeling of something moving up her throat, doing its best to make her have to sit down on the floor and cry at the painful sensation, almost seemed like it had been designed specifically to bring the highest level of agony along with it, as Cremia fought to push another breath down into her lungs, not to give up and give in to the pain.
"Cremia? Are you okay?" one of the students said, but right then, Cremia's vision was so blurry that even as she looked towards the source of the sound, she was not able to determine the identity of the student who had seemingly felt the need to make sure she was feeling all right. The sounds bled together, a loud ringing noise taking their place. For all she knew, the student could have been both Yunobo and Ruto; Cremia doubted that she would have been able to tell the difference in their voices right then.
The pain in her throat only grew with every second that passed around her, and as she stood there, Cremia had to force herself not to laugh at the absurd situation she had found herself in. Here she was, in front of an entire class where each and every student had suddenly gone silent at the sight of their teacher fighting to stay conscious, and then Cremia was not even able to use the fact that the scattered conversations had finally stopped to teach them anything.
Finally, bringing along an overwhelming sense of relief, Cremia felt how something warm made its way from her throat and up into her mouth, and although she could tell from the slightly coppery taste that it was anything but a good sign, she could not help but mentally let out a sigh as she brought up a hand to cover her mouth, not trusting herself not to spit out the thing if she had been able to.
"Yes, I am okay," she said, feeling how the lie was immediately proven false as she winched in pain, "I, uh, I just have to go and do… something. Just continue with the questions in your books until I get back; it won't be long, I promise." before anyone had a chance to ask her what was wrong, Cremia had hurried over to the door. As simple as the task of opening it was, right then, it felt like it would almost prove to be too much for her. It was only the knowledge that she would rather have to grade a thousand extra assignments than to faint while still inside the classroom that made her able to force it open and run out into the hallway.
By some stroke of luck, the area around the science and engineering classrooms was empty, allowing her to make her way to the nearest toilet without anyone interrupting her or asking why she was pressing a hand against her mouth like she was afraid of what would happen if she removed it. If she had to be honest with herself, Cremia was not even sure what she would have answered if anyone had asked her. How was she supposed to explain the feeling of something soft brushing against the roof of her mouth, sticky with a liquid that had a taste that was worryingly similar to that of blood? No, it was for the better that she was able to run to the toilets and lock the door so that she was alone when she finally allowed herself to let her arm fall to her side while she forced herself to find out what had just happened.
Supressing a pained groan, she opened her mouth and let the thing that had brought so much pain along with it as it had made its way from her throat and into her mouth that she had been forced to consider the possibility that she would end up passing out fall into her hand.
It was a flower.
Cremia looked down at the bloodstained petals of the white rose, both unable to believe her eyes and already feeling how her stomach sank to the floor. It was a flower. Goddesses.
As she stood there, in a toilet with a flower in her hand that she already knew what meant even if she was too scared to admit it to herself, Cremia had never felt more lost than she did in that moment. The knowledge that, unless she wanted to let everyone know just why she had been forced to run to the toilet, she would have to return to her students in just a couple of minutes almost felt like it would prove to be too much for her, and as she tried to take a step backwards, Cremia could see how the room tilted around her, throwing her to the side. Her shoulder collided painfully with the wall, but she did at least manage to stay on her feet as she stared down at the rose that still lay in her palm, completely unaffected by her sudden movement.
It was small, the flower itself consisting of little more than a couple of petals, and yet Cremia could see how the stem held a couple of thorns. As she watched, a couple of drops of blood—her blood—fell from the tip of the thorns, hitting the white tiles of the floor. It was a mess. It was all a mess.
Before, Cremia might have been able to push her feelings for Anju into a box and then hide it away in a dark room of her mind, locking the door behind her as she promised herself that it was better to not risk it, to just continue on with her life like she had not looked over at Anju and realised that she had made the discovery that the sight of Anju laughing at her was able to fill her with more warmth than anything else in the world, but now… she supposed that if she tried her best to hide the coughing fits and the reason for why they were always accompanied by a painful feeling of something scratching against her throat, she might be able to continue to keep it a secret, but now, the consequences of making that decision had grown. It was no longer a matter of not wanting to make things awkward between them. As Cremia looked down at the rose that might once have been beautiful had it not been for the sickening red hue of her blood staining the petals, she already knew just where this would all bring her if she continued to refuse to confess.
She was not sure where she found the strength to do anything but sit down and cry, but somehow she was able to close her fist around the flower, finding a sick sense of delight in the way the petals had to give way under her fingers, the thorns digging into the palm of her hand as she destroyed the proof of what had just happened before wrapping several metres of toilet paper around it all.
The ball landed in the trash can with a soft thud, and as Cremia turned around to wash her hands, making sure to use enough soap to remove any trace of blood, scrubbing until she could no longer smell the way the blood had coated her hand, she was almost able to convince herself that nothing had happened, that the reason she had been forced to run to the toilet had been a simple matter of being on her period and nothing else.
Yes, as she looked back up to waste a moment at glancing at herself in the mirror, trying her best to ignore the frightened look in her eyes and how her skin had gone pale, Cremia decided that that was it. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Everything was fine. It had to be.
"Don't you think it is time to go the hospital with that?" Kafei asked. "I know that you said that you get sick quite easily, but now you have had that cold for almost five months, and I am beginning to worry about you."
Cremia felt how her blood turned to ice in her veins as she slowly looked up at Kafei. Just a second before, she had been in the process of coughing up a lung, trying to mask the sound by coughing into her sleeve, something that had evidently not been enough to let her pained, raspy breaths go by unnoticed. Still, she did her best to look calm as she let her arm fall back down to rest at her side, doing her best to make it appear that nothing was wrong even as her throat felt like it was burning, flames licking at the insides of her lungs.
"What are you talking about?" her voice was broken, but Cremia hoped that Kafei would simply assume that it was due to the coughing fit.
This time, it was Anju rather than Kafei who answered, the sound of the answer to her question coming from her left rather than her right almost being enough to make Cremia lose her composure. But even then, she managed to stay focused, plastering a relaxed expression onto her face at the last moment before the pain would have slipped through.
"We are talking about all these coughing fits," Anju said, and already before she looked over at her, Cremia knew how Anju would be sitting, using her fork to point at her, a piece of lettuce dangling from the tip of the prongs, "they have got worse."
Doing her best not to recall the way it had felt to look down at her hand to see the red petals of the rose that had once been white—it had not happened, she had gone to the toilet for something else entirely, Cremia tried to tell herself—she smirked at Anju and hoped that she would not have to leave the conversation to run to the toilet just yet. Now was not the time to have to lean against the wall as she tried her best not to cry. "Yeah, it's fine. I think it is just a sign that I should talk with my landlord about whether or not the walls of the apartment are actually able to keep out the cold air in the winter." Cremia tried her best to add a smile onto the end of the sentence, hoping that it would make it sound a bit less flat, a bit more like a joke, but already, she could tell that it was not working, simply from the way Anju drew her eyebrows together, a faint crease appearing between them.
"Are you sure you are feeling alright?" she asked, and, goddesses, why did she have to lean in like that, with an expression like the only thing that was important to her right then was Cremia's answer? "Because if you don't, I am sure that it would be better to go to the hospital now rather than to wait for this to get worse."
As she looked at Anju and saw the way a strand of red hair moved out of her carefully brushed back hairstyle, Cremia doubted that there was any chance of it not getting worse. Already, in just the last hour she had been forced to spend in front of her class, trying her best to make up a reason for why she had left them to run to the toilet, she had noticed how the feeling of something taking up space in her lungs, keeping her from being able to breathe properly, had grown, going from being a slightly uncomfortable feeling she was able to convince herself was merely a sign of her having a cold to becoming so overwhelming that she found herself trying her best not to breathe simply to not being forced to have to confront the fact that there was something wrong.
Still, even now, even as Anju sat right there in front of her, she knew that it was impossible for her to be able to share her worries with her. Not when telling her about the symptoms and the name of the disease Cremia was starting to suspect was the reason for the flower that now lay in the trash can, toilet paper wrapped around it to keep anyone from being able to spot the blood, would automatically require her to also tell her just why she was suddenly so much more aware of just where Anju was and how she had to do her best not to let herself begin to imagine what it would be like to muster up the courage and simply tell her the truth so that the ball would be in her court rather than in Cremia's.
"Yeah, I am fine." the lie felt more painful than the thorns of the rose as Cremia faked a smile. "I just have a couple of things I have to figure out, that's all."
Without giving Anju and Kafei another chance to ask her about her health or to what was so urgent that it would not be able to wait, Cremia pushed back her chair and stood up, leaving the staff room without another word.
It felt like she was doing something she was not allowed to as she tiptoed through the library. Rationally, Cremia knew that that was not the case. She was a teacher; she had plenty of reasons to be in the library during her lunchbreak; she could have gone there to get a chance to grade assignments in peace, to find a book or to simply be able to find some quiet for a while, and yet, she found herself being careful not to make a sound, hiding behind the bookcases each time she had to move from one row of shelves to another to make sure that she would not risk running into someone and the questions they might have for her.
With all of that, Cremia might have considered it a miracle that she was able to get to the corner that was dedicated to computers, but seeing as the reasons for just why she had to make sure that no one would see her were anything but pleasant, she would rather not use that word to describe her luck.
The chair creaked as she sat down, but by then, the adrenaline that was flowing through her veins at the thought that she might soon get an answer to her questions was more than enough to let her ignore the little pang of fear that used to fill her each time she was forced to use the school computers and know that there was a risk that the chair might break beneath her any second. Besides, even if she had acknowledged it, there was nothing she could have done about it. With what she was about to look up, Cremia would never have been able to use her own computer. It would have felt too real, too close to her, if she had allowed the words to be left there in her search history. This way, if she got the answer she feared, at least she would be able to leave the computer and pretend that she had never moved the mouse, dragging the cursor over to the internet icon and with shaky hands typed in the words before pressing the search button and letting the results fill the screen in front of her.
For that was what Cremia did, her heart beating furiously against her ribs through it all, making her feel like it should not have been possible for her to still be alive. Of course, if her suspicions about what was wrong with her was right, that might become true quite soon.
Forcing herself not to press the little 'x' to make it all disappear and let herself continue to be in a state of blissful ignorance, Cremia pressed the link leading her to the first search result. The screen went white for a couple of seconds as the internet threatened to leave her completely. In that moment, she was not sure if it would have been a good thing, a blessing in disguise, or perhaps what would finally plunge her into a state of total despair. Although it would be nice to be able to ignore the signs and the creeping suspicion of just what had reached into her lungs to take root, Cremia knew that she would not be able to rest until she would find out for certain if she was right. Besides, as a science and technology teacher, Cremia had already put two and two together, and while the results felt more like it was a five than a four, she knew that it was the only realistic explanation.
Finally, the screen in front of her changed to show the page she had been sent to. Doing her best not to think too much about what it would mean for her, Cremia began to read, making sure to use her body to hide the little icon in the top right-hand corner from anyone who might happen to appear from behind one of the bookcases to find her sitting in front of one of the school computers.
She had not even made it through one paragraph before she knew that she had been right.
The Hanahaki Disease. It sounded beautiful; Cremia could admit that much as she skimmed through the description of the illness, and in a way, she supposed that it made it even worse. Not only was she coughing up flowers, something that was supposed to be beautiful, the illness itself also sounded strangely alluring, even as the text explained how the disease would begin by growing a tiny flower in the victim's lungs, a flower that would then slowly turn into a bush as the victim would begin to feel ill and suffer from coughing. Her stomach felt strangely heavy as she read how the coughing fits could last anywhere from a couple of months to several years before the person suffering from the Hanahaki Disease would then reach the last phases of the illness, during which they would slowly but surely begin to cough up bigger and bigger flowers as the flowers took root in their lungs before finally killing the person who had been unfortunate enough to let it come to that.
Goddesses, if that was what had made her have to run to the toilet… Cremia willed the picture to disappear, but even then, she could not completely erase the mental image of herself lying in the ground with a bloodstained flower in her hand. She couldn't, she would not allow that to happen to her, not as long as Romani still depended on her.
Cremia tried to ignore the desperation that fuelled her as she searched through the page to find out what the cure for the infection was, pushing the suspicion that it might not exist in the form she wanted it to away. There had to be something, it could not simply be a matter of waiting for death to claim her.
She found her answer only a few seconds later. The person behind the page had been merciful enough to emphasise the paragraph that mentioned the cure for the disease, and as Cremia leant towards the computer, both fearing what she would find and knowing that she had to be able to do something to stay alive, her heart felt almost like it slowed down to match her uneven breathing. There had to be something. If nothing else, then for Romani's sake, to save her from having to attend a funeral all on her own this time.
The answer she found was enough to make her feel faint. It could not be happening, not to her. Things like this were always something she had read about online; it was not something that happened to anyone she knew much less herself.
As the room spun around hr, Cremia fell back into her chair, for once not caring if she would be the one to break it. That could not be it. How could anyone ever ask her to make the choice between letting herself die and leave her younger sister behind and letting the doctors remove the infected plants, taking away all of her feelings along with it?
And of course, the website had mentioned a third option, how a few of the patients were lucky enough to find the strength to tell the person they had feelings for only for the person to admit that the love was not unreciprocated, leading to the flowers to wilt and disappear. Because of course that was a possibility, she could tell Anju and hope that, by some miracle, Anju would respond by telling her that she felt the same way about her, of course that was a cure that was present to her in that moment. As she had read it, Cremia had wanted to cry, to let the entire world know how wrong it was for an infection like the Hanahaki Disease to exist, turning what was already a painful feeling of knowing that if she told Anju, then she might have ended their friendship into a matter of life and death.
She could not stay there. It simply was not possible for her to stand back up and brush all of this aside, pretending that nothing had happened so that she could make it to the last three classes of the day and tell a bunch of fourth graders about how cows digestive systems were supposed to function, not when her thoughts were occupied by thoughts of what she would have to do, how it seemed that she now had no choice but to choose between staying alive for her sister and ensuring that she would not have to lose her to a curable disease and being able to, at the very least, understand her pain as she died rather than continue her life without ever being able to feel emotions again.
Cremia could only hope that Nayru would be able to understand how she was not able to return to her classes as she stood up, her movements strangely stiff and robotic as she closed the tab and made sure to clear the search history before writing a message to her to let her know that she was not feeling well and had to leave. It would be so like her luck to also be fired for this. The dark thought twisted through her mind, taking root, despite her attempts at assuring herself that the headmistress would understand. Her hand shook as she brought it up in front of her face, a gasp almost escaping her, nearly becoming a choked sob in the moments it took for Cremia to regain what little control she still had left.
Then, Cremia left, walking straight past Anju as she met her in the hallway without looking back, and towards the entrance hall.
The moment she opened the door and felt the breeze envelop her, Cremia started running and did not stop until she had reached her flat, opening the door with a shaky hand, the sweat dropping from her as she flopped down onto her bed and let sleep take her away from the decision she would now have to make.