Kyle wasn't in South Park for more than an hour when he heard familiar footsteps scrambling up the stairs of his family home. He didn't bother turning around to greet Stan, deciding that his focus should be on unpacking his belongings he brought home from school. He had this act down as of now, pretending that Stan's frantic run up the stairs didn't weirdly pull his guts. He had to act normal and keep unpacking his belongings. Because shit…. It was a lot.
Moving back into his old room felt weird. All of the childhood memories that he had of this room began to flood back as he was organizing various items. Kyle was happy to be back, but he was also trying to fight through an incredible amount of dread. He was used to living on his own in a way in the dorms. It was adulthood-lite. He knew the moment he stepped over the threshold into his childhood home that his mother would be overbearing, not truly recognizing that her little boy is growing up and no longer needed to be told to do things like laundry regularly. It's gonna be rough until he can secure a job and move out.
But still, he was happy to be home.
"Kyle! Dude!" Stan exclaimed as he ran in to give Kyle a hug, causing him to laugh and set down the picture frames he was organizing on his desk: One was of Kyle's family on their most recent vacation together, a couple here and there of the gang in varying stages of growing up (Kyle made sure not to include the ones from their awkward puberty days), and last there was one of just him and Stan, taken over Spring break.
They had been drunk and high, sitting out in the woods together drinking like teenagers even though they both had turned twenty-one already. Their faces were pressed together, Kyle accepting the too closeness that he would have otherwise moved away from had they not been inebriated. They had many pictures together of them growing up, but Kyle had this one printed immediately. It was like this was his way of accepting that Stan was his best friend and was only going to be that.
Kyle loved him... He was in love with him, but he was trying to put that aside to love Stan as a friend would.
But he still liked to indulge himself from time to time. Kyle turned fully to accept his hug, trying not to linger too long.
He pulled away and gave Stan a light punch to the shoulder.
"Dude, you saw me during spring break. I haven't been gone that long," Kyle laughed as he smiled at his best friend.
"I know," Stan laughed and took a step back, "But you're back and you graduated college. I can be excited that you're gonna be a walk away instead of how far you were before."
"Yeah, yeah... Help me unpack this shit. I need to get away from my mom as soon as possible." Kyle groaned as he turned back to setting up the picture frames. He would rather keep himself busy than feeling happy that Stan was excited that he was back. Luckily for Kyle, he was an expert at this point in pushing down his unrequited feelings for Stan. He knew how to say things that didn't pose too much questioning, act as if the things Stan did and say didn't affect him more than he should. He knew how to bury it deep.
"She trying to 'Shelia' it up?" Stan asked as he began digging through Kyle's shit.
"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" Kyle laughed.
"You know, trying to tell you what to do and shit as if you haven't been independent for a while now."
"Yeah, dude. It's so annoying. She was gonna unpack my room if I hadn't convinced her to give me some space. It fucking sucked in the car driving back. She's already on my case about getting a job. She says she knows some nice people who would totally be into hiring me." Kyle huffs.
Kyle knew his mom was just trying to do what's best for him, but it was hard to decide what's best for yourself when there's someone always trying to point you in one direction or another. He felt bad complaining about her. Especially since she has done a lot for Kyle while he was in college. Kyle had a job, but if he ever needed a little extra money, Sheila always made sure to send it to him. When Kyle felt like he was going crazy during finals, she would call him and talk him down. She loved Kyle and he loved her back. But she did have a habit of going over the top in protecting her boys. She was the one to not blink an eye when he came out to the family. He tried not to be too annoyed by Shelia's butting in and bossing him around, but he's only been in her presence for a little bit and already she's trying too much too soon.
"Dude, weak." Stan tossed back. He had taken to just going through Kyle's stuff instead of actually helping him. Kyle laughed to himself and got to work. It would've moved along faster if Stan helped, but he still enjoyed the company nonetheless.
This went on for a while, Stan asking questions about graduation and finals, stopping mid-sentence every so often to comment on one of Kyle's things he had decided to play with at the moment. Kyle answered and asked questions about Stan's work as a vet tech, actually doing some work to put his things away. Once most of it was done and Stan seemed engrossed in Kyle's adolescent psychology notebook, Kyle decided he could discreetly put some of his more private things where they belonged away from prying eyes. He thought he was in the clear until Stan caught what the items were in his hand.
"Dude! No fucking way! Finally!" Stan exclaimed excitedly as he tossed the notebook to the side, grabbing the roll of condoms Kyle was trying to hide away in the safety of his nightstand.
He hadn't known why he even bought them. Wishful thinking that he would get his head out of his ass and accept love from someone that wasn't Stan. That hasn't happened successfully yet. And Kyle was then paying for that impulse buy.
"Fuck off," Kyle deadpanned, shoving Stan as he grabbed them back. He was bulkier than Stan was. Not by a lot, but he did have slightly more muscle mass than Stan, so it was easy to do the task without much effort on his part. He put all of his efforts into being intimidating instead of embarrassed. Sadly for Kyle, that never really worked much on Stan.
"Seriously, dude. I'm proud of you. Kinda thought you'd be a virgin forever since you're such a loser nerd." Stan laughed gesturing to the meticulous notes on the discarded notebook. "Who's the chick? Do I know her?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows.
Kyle rolled his eyes, not letting the comment on his virginity get to him. The thing that did get to him though, was Stan's assumption he was straight. Kyle didn't exactly shout from the rooftops that he was gay and in love with his best friend, but still. Kenny knew. But Kenny was a freak who knew enough about everyone to try to not get on his bad side. You'd think his best friend would have at least taken a guess at why Kyle hasn't talked about girls in that sense since elementary school. But his best friend was dumb and Kyle was good at acting.
Kyle had come out while in college. It never landed him in a relationship, but he was glad he did it. Since he was away, it was easier to come to terms with who he was. But despite that, he hadn't come out at home just yet. His family knew, of course, but that was nothing compared to his peers. Kyle knew his family would always accept him, but his friends… Kyle knew somewhere that they wouldn't reject him, but he didn't want to risk the normalcy that their not knowing gave him.
"That's just in case I ever decide to stop being a loser nerd. Guess forever virgin it is." Kyle feigned a laugh and shoved them into the back of his nightstand.
"Dude, weak. You'll find a girl soon, Kyle. I mean, I'm not gay or anything, but you're a good looking dude. Girls should be throwing themselves at you. "
Kyle rolled his eyes and finished the last of the unpacking, tossing back a passing, "That's really fucking gay, dude." He tuned out whatever Stan said while he was defending his heterosexuality. He was flattered by Stan's compliment, but his mouth tasted sour by what Stan did not know.
Of course, girls did throw themselves at him, he just was never interested. Most gay guys didn't pick up on Kyle's mental gaydar that he sent their way. Meeting people, unfortunately, required him to talk to people, which was something he wasn't willing to put himself out there for. Friends were fine. Anything else he just couldn't do. That's why he was never able to go beyond a first date with any guy who realized he was gay. Sheltering his feelings from Stan has stunted his romantic growth in a way that made it hard for him to connect with potential romantic partners. He felt like he had to wait for Stan.
Something that he was growing tired of doing.
After finally rearranging the last of his things he brought over and the few items he left behind that Ike had taken claim of while he was gone, Kyle collapsed on his bed, covering his face with his arm.
"I'm so not ready to adult yet, dude." Kyle sighed, trying to divert his line of thought back to things he was more comfortable with.
"I wasn't either, but it gets easier. You're smart and stuff so you'll figure it out quicker than I did. You'll land a good job, girlfriend, and move the fuck out." Stan replied laying back on the bed next to Kyle. Their closeness did not help with this line of thinking. Kyle couldn't help but think about how Stan was inches away from him at that moment. He was probably warm. Kyle was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. It was dangerous.
They laid like that for a while. Staring at the peeling glow in the dark stars that Kyle never bothered removing from his ceiling. He liked looking at them with Stan, pretending that they were laying out in a field, looking at real constellations together. He wished that they could do that one day. In real life, and not in his imagination.
"Alright, dickhead. Stop moping. It's time to celebrate. C'mon," Stan stood and grabbed Kyle's arm and pulled him up, "I'm taking you out for a beer and a burger."
They left after letting Sheila know that they were leaving and that Kyle would be spending the night at Stan's. There was a little argument, Kyle throwing in an, "I'm an adult, Ma," every so often until she conceded, asking him to come back at least by dinner the next day so they can have a family meal together since Ike would be getting home the next day. Kyle agreed and they finally headed out the door to walk towards Stan's place to get his car.
Stan had his own apartment now, making enough bank to live on his own. It was farther away than Stan's family home was. After a bit of living on the farm, Sharon threatened divorce again. Randy conceded and moved back to South Park. Kyle was much happier about the shorter distance between them than that of the farm.
Though it was farther than Stan's childhood home, Kyle was happy to be moving. He hasn't been able to run since spring break because of the amount of preparation graduation needed. It wasn't a run, but it was something.
Stan was so happy to finally get his own place. He and Kenny had found old furniture that would be suitable for the time being and got to setting up the apartment. Kyle was sad that he wasn't there to help Stan move in, but he was still glad to see him out on his own and doing so well for himself.
Kyle had an open invitation to spend the night anytime. Kyle hasn't been able to take him up on Stan's offer because of schooling, but he knew if he did, he would do so sparingly. But since he was home, he needed a break from his family for the night.
"How are you and Wendy?" Kyle ventured. He knew the answer already, but Kyle wanted to make conversation that steered away from his own nonrelationship. Kyle also wanted to hurt himself by getting confirmation of what he already knew. It made the bitter pill easier to swallow.
"You know. Same old, same old. Fighting. Breaking up. Getting back together. We're on a good run right now, but who knows?" Stan sighed, kicking up a rock that was in his path of the sidewalk. Stan looked a little sad like there was more that he wasn't saying, but Kyle decided not to pursue.
"Dude, why do you guys do that to yourselves? Like. Wouldn't it be easier to just... find new people?"
"Yeah, but you know. Old habits die hard."
Kyle nodded as if he understood. In a way he did. Stan was a habit he couldn't break.
Eventually, they made it to Stan's apartment. They get into his car and drive to some dive bar that Stan insists has the best burgers. Kyle just laughed along and assured Stan that he believed him. They sit down when they enter and order beers while they look over the menu, deciding what cholesterol filled thing they were going to end up putting into themselves. They laughed over the dumb burger names and poked fun at the other for their differing tastes in dive bar cuisine. Kyle rolled up a discarded straw wrapper and threw it at Stan's head. That got him a friendly shove in return. Every so often, Stan would check his phone and send out texts. Kyle figured it was Wendy, but he didn't care. He was the one sitting next to him at that moment.
Their food arrived and they ate like they hadn't eaten in a week. Stan would sneak some fries from Kyle's plate as they ate. Kyle, of course, knew about this, but just let him because it made him feel like he was officially home again.
Kyle felt happy. It felt like old times, just eating together. Of course, Stan had to ruin it.
"So, dude. Seriously. Why haven't you tried going out with anyone, yet?"
Kyle paused mid-bite and rolled his eyes in Stan's direction, "Because I'm entirely unapproachable," he shrugged, not bothering to finish chewing before he came up with his reply.
"It's because you make yourself that way. If you'd open up a little…" Stan trails off.
He's not wrong. Kyle is shutting himself out from the world. But he didn't need the reminder of that telling him that's what he was doing. He knew. He just didn't know how to move past that just yet.
"Look I'll deal with my shit when I'm good and ready. I have to deal with my mom, finding a job, and going out on my own. I don't have time to deal with other people's bullshit," Kyle took another bite of his burger, trying to signal that he didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"I'm not talking long-term shit!" Stan exclaimed, not taking the hint, "At least not yet. I mean. What's wrong with having a fling? And besides, you deal with my shit so that point is basically moot."
"First of all," Kyle says after swallowing, "I know it may sound like a shock to you, but I want my first time to be special. I don't want to have just a one-night thing. Whoever it is, I want to, like. Be with them. Second of all," he said gesturing between the two of them with the remainder of his burger, "we aren't dating. I can deal with your drama. It's the same shit as it's always been. Your dad acts like a drunk asshole, your mom won't leave him. Wendy broke up with you. Now you're getting back together. It's the same shit. I can handle it. I can't handle new shit."
Stan was unfazed by Kyle's comment about his family and rocky relationship with Wendy. Kyle had almost hoped that his hurtful comments would derail the conversation, but he and Stan had talked about those topics way too many times for Stan to be hurt. Instead, Stan continued, "Point taken. But still, wouldn't you want to learn how to do it before you have that 'special' moment?"
"I watch porn, Stan. There is such a thing as Google."
"Dude, you can't learn shit from porn. It's one thing book-learning things and it's another to actually do it. Keep your mind open is what I'm saying."
"Whatever." Kyle ended the conversation. Stan gave Kyle a concerned look and shook his head. The two turned back to their food and eventually drifted back into some more light-hearted subjects, like what people of South Park are up to nowadays. Kyle doesn't want more drama, but a little gossip never hurt anyone.
"Yeah, so Craig and Tweek are still together, which is a surprise to like, no one. But the really surprising thing is that Kenny and Butters got together."
"What? Seriously?" Kyle turned and tried to search Stan's face for a hint that he might be joking, but unfortunately, he wasn't, "How do they make that work?"
"Beats me, but I dunno. They seem happy. I guess that's all anyone could hope for."
Kyle hummed in response, turning back to his quickly clearing plate. It was surprising, to say the least, that they were together. He was happy for both of them, of course. It all meant that they were growing. That Kenny was able to communicate his feelings, and Butters was able to get out from under his parents' shadow to accept said feelings. Although he was happy for them, he was a little jealous. He was jealous of all the gay couples in South Park, albeit there were few. He just wanted what they had, and had been unwilling to compromise. Kyle's misery was his own doing.
When they finished their burgers, and Kyle thought they were going to leave, Stan insisted Kyle have another drink before they left. Kyle agreed and before he knew it, he had drunk six and had a good buzz going on. Periodically, Stan checked his phone, but it didn't bother Kyle. They played darts for a while, both of them laughing at the other when they missed miserably. They had fun being terrible around each other.
As he was finishing the last dreg, Stan paid the tab and the two began to exit the building. On the way to Stan's car, Stan playfully shoved Kyle, ragging on him for his terrible dart game. Kyle shoved back, defending his horrible aim by reminding Stan that he was the one who had made him drink. They had finally made it to the car and began to climb in for Stan to drive them back. He only had one beer at the very beginning and ate a huge burger, so Kyle felt completely comfortable with Stan at the wheel.
Kyle got into the passenger seat, buckling himself in. He felt warm. From the alcohol. And from getting to hang out with Stan. The days that they got to spend time together like this were few and far between. There was a glow to everything, the world seemed to stop for the two of them.
"Where next, Captain Marsh?" Kyle questioned as Stan got into the driver's seat.
"Back to port, First Mate Broflovski." Stan smiled as he started the car and began backing out of the spot. He put his arm on the back of Kyle's headrest to see out of the rear window as he backed out. Kyle's heart skipped a beat as Stan effortlessly pulled out of the spot. He spun the wheel with one hand, making the act seem effortless. Kyle admired Stan's forearm as he drove. It was the main reason why he didn't get his driver's license up until he was going off to college, he just loved watching Stan drive. The confidence was incredibly attractive. It was honestly worth bussing or walking when he couldn't ride from Stan somewhere. Kyle laughed to himself and peeled his eyes from Stan to the radio as he looked over.
Feeling a little restless, Kyle began to fiddle with the radio.
"Hey. My car. I pick the music."
"Fuck off," Kyle replied, trying to find something to listen to, "You didn't even have it on. You only want it because I'm using it. You're worse than a toddler."
"But it's mineee," Stan whined with a teasing grin on his face.
Kyle chuckled and rolled his eyes. After figuring out there was nothing good to listen to, he connected his phone to the audio jack. Why he didn't do that in the first place, he couldn't guess, but he was happy he had more control. He put on something that satisfied him and was content to stare at the window as the music flooded the car. At some point, Kyle started to sing along. He was just enjoying the moment and he was drunk enough to not care. He didn't even realize he was doing it until Stan started joining in.
"Dude, you don't even like this song," Kyle chuckled as the song continued to play in the background, falling away to their conversation.
"I don't." He laughed.
"Then why are you singing it?"
"Well, you like it. I'd figured I'd share the moment with you."
Kyle hummed in response and continued to sing with Stan as the song came to a close. They continued to sing to Kyle's weird playlist until they pulled back into Stan's driveway to his apartment. It was a small thing. Really it was kind of like a duplex, with Stan's place on the upper floor.
After Stan unlocked the door, they went up the stairs. Kyle figured they'd play video games, drink some more, and pass out. Something simple for the night. What he did not expect was an ambush.
"Surprise!" Voices shouted in unison as he entered the apartment. From the cursory look at all the shouting people, once the lights were turned on, everyone but Cartman was there. A few of them had already left South Park, like Token, Nicole, and Heidi who had jobs up in Denver, but for the most part, a lot of their class remained. They ranged in enthusiasm from Butter's excitedly clapping as the surprise was revealed, to Craig who looked like he was just there to drink. Wendy clapped excitedly as she handed a drink to Stan. Kyle stood stunned for a moment before turning to look at Stan who had a stupidly wide grin on his face.
So that's what the texts were about. Stan was planning this with everyone.
"Of course this was Stan's idea," Wendy started, giving Kyle a big smile, "But I really did all the legwork, inviting, getting the liquor and all that stuff."
Although Kyle was not attracted to women, he could see why Stan loved Wendy. She was always on. She knew what needed to be done and if she couldn't do it, she knew someone who would. She knew how important this was to Stan and she made it all happen. He smiled at her and mouthed a thank you, reminding himself to properly thank her later. Kyle loved Stan, but he held a special place in his heart for Wendy, too.
"Figured we'd give you a proper homecoming. Now let's get fucked up!" Stan clapped a hand on his shoulder and pushed the drink into Kyle's hand.
Kyle laughed and shook his head, trying to shake away the rose flush that had started filling in his cheeks. This was just like Stan to throw something together like this. The music started and the lights dimmed. Soon everyone was mingling in the small apartment. Kyle made rounds to catch up with everyone.
Although Kyle was completely stupid when it came to people he didn't know, he didn't mind talking to people of South Park. Call it small-town syndrome. He made small talk with Token and Nicole, who were currently living together in Denver. They seemed like they had their shit together, and Kyle was impressed. Token had stopped allowing his parents to give him money. He wanted to make it out on his own and he knew he could. Nicole had worked hard through college and landed a good job out of her internship. They quickly became a power couple to the people of South Park. Everyone knew that they would take over Denver soon. Kyle was enjoying the conversation but once the questions about what Kyle was doing started, he quickly backed his way out of the conversation.
Kyle was sipping his drink as he made his way towards Tweek and Craig, who had been together since elementary school. Of course, it started off as something that the town itself wanted to have. A gay couple born and bred in South Park, but as time went on, it evolved into something more natural. Somehow their quirks and qualities meshed together into something homogenous. Something that just went together without saying. Aside from their vehement denial of the town having a play in their relationship, they were grateful to it for bringing them together and bringing light to their ability to be a somewhat normal couple in South Park.
"I couldn't give a shit if you're back in town or not. I'm just here for the free booze," Craig said as he downed his mixed drink. They all were of legal age to be drinking, but some drinks that were made were just too cheap to pass up on a twenty-something's budget. Vodka mixed with what appeared to be Dr. Pepper definitely fit that.
"Craig! Don't be rude!" Tweek exclaimed, embarrassed by Craig's honest statement, but Kyle paid it no mind. They've known each other since preschool. There was no hiding who they were from each other.
"Point taken," Kyle said as he continued to drink his own drink. Sure enough. Vodka and Dr. Pepper.
"So," Craig began, ignoring Tweek, "You're back in this shithole, huh? Of everyone, I expected you would never come back, but here you are."
"Yep. Here I am."
"Guessing that's Marsh's doing, huh?"
Craig just knew how to poke Kyle's more vulnerable areas. He didn't know his predicament quite yet, but he knew that Kyle had a softer side for Stan.
"Not exactly. I don't have a job yet, so I can't exactly leave. Besides," Kyle said as he took another drink, "You know how Stan is, he can't really get by without me."
Craig took a look around Stan's modest apartment and nodded, "Yeah, getting an apartment, well-paying job and keeping a girlfriend without you being here. It seems like he doesn't know his head from his ass without you."
Kyle rolled his eyes. He was getting to the end of his drink and was ready for this conversation to be over with already. He regretted walking over. He had hoped that Tweek would add more to the conversation, but seeing as though he remained mostly silent, Kyle didn't know why he expected that.
"You know what I mean."
"No. Really. I don't. He can do shit without you, Kyle. What? You two got an invisible umbilical cord that we don't know about? Grow up. He's doing just fine. You're back because you want to be here and he wants you here. He doesn't need you as much as you think he does. Maybe you're the one who needs him. End of story."
Kyle finishes off his drink and mutters a 'whatever' and peers at Tweek who had been listening the whole time, hoping that he would find something to add to save the conversation. He seemed to be thinking, twitching every so often, trying to piece together what he wanted to say.
"Stan and Wendy aren't doing too good."
"Tweek shut the fuck up."
Ignoring Craig, Tweek continued, "He says they're doing good, but look," he says as he gestures around the mostly bare apartment. Sure there were essentials, but there wasn't much substance beyond that. It looked like a basic bachelor pad. No pictures. No warmth.
"They aren't even living together. She wants to leave, but he wants to stay. I think they're gonna break up soon. But this time for good, ya know?" Tweek stared down Kyle, almost as if he is reading Kyle's mind, "She wants to go to graduate school. She's real smart. She's gonna go places. But Stan's happy to be right here. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I just don't see them lasting."
That was surprisingly astute coming from Tweek. Kyle just stood there silent, looking over to Stan and Wendy who seemed to be laughing. But there was something different about them. They stood apart. They didn't seem as close as usual.
"Stan told me they were doing well?" He asked rather than said, hoping to get more information from the two.
"Well. Maybe you don't know everything." Craig responded. He pulled Tweek by the hip and directed the two towards the counter where all the booze was kept.
Kyle followed along, not because he wanted more conversation with the two, but because his own cup was empty. Just as he was about to pour himself a drink, Stan was over and poured it for him.
"This party is for you, dude. You shouldn't have to pour your own drinks."
Kyle laughed and accepted the drink, not bothering to hide his blush this time, "Thanks, man. I know Wendy planned all of this, but still," He smiled softly as he looked into the amber liquid in his hands, "This was really thoughtful."
"Of course, Kyle. You deserve something other than your mom nagging you," he laughed, "Go on have fun. Talk to people other than those two," he said as he pointed at Tweek and Craig, "Bunch of downers those two," he grumbled as he made his way back to Wendy.
Unfortunately for Kyle, that warning came a bit too late. He decided to move from the counter and float around the party. He bumped into Heid and apologized once he had realized he spilled her drink.
"Shit. Let me get something," Kyle was about to walk off to find napkins but was stopped when Heidi placed her hand on his shoulder.
"No! It's fine. It will dry," Heidi smiled, "How are you doing, Kyle?"
"I'm…" Kyle thought for a moment. Everything had been so stressful for him. He didn't really have the support he had from Stan while he was at school. Of course, they could text or facetime, but it was hard to do that when your friend has a full-time job. His mom would always be there for him, but there were some things she didn't understand. He had felt completely alone for a while. But, that day, with Stan, he had started to feel normal again. Happier.
"I'm doing good," Kyle finally continued, "What about you? How have you been?"
"I'm doing better," she started, her hand instinctively going up to play with the ends of her hair, "I know all of that stuff with Eric happened so long ago, but… First loves… They can really mess with what to expect from future relationships. Therapy had helped me get to a better place."
Kyle knew that Cartman had turned Heidi into a person that she wasn't. Kyle couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for Heidi. She had to deal with him threatening suicide every day to keep her where he wanted her. He was manipulative. Cold. Kyle hated Cartman for the things that he'd done. Kyle saw how she was after elementary school, and in high school. It was like she was a shadow of herself. She was free from Cartman, but she was still connected to him in some way. He hadn't realized he had affected her this much.
"Dude… I'm sorry… I should have… Done something you know?"
"You did, though. You tried. No one else but you. Yeah, I had my girlfriends, but they just made me feel worse about the decision that I made. You didn't. Don't blame yourself. Honestly, I wish I would have given you more of a chance…"
Kyle laughed nervously. He hoped that it was just a fond reminiscence, and not a way to try to hit on him.
"We probably wouldn't have worked out, huh?" she asked. Heidi was smiling. Her smile held no malice to it or sadness. It was like a passing understanding of what neither one of them wanted to say aloud.
"Probably not. But, we would have worked out better as friends. We still could."
"Yeah, I'd like that."
Kyle returned her smile this time, grabbing her mostly empty cup.
"Come on, I gotta make you another drink."
..
As the night went on, Kyle had made some more small talk to various people in attendance. There wasn't much substance to what they were saying to each other. As time went on, it was more like drunk ramblings and reminiscing of the old times from when they were kids. More and more drinks were pushed into Kyle's hand and at some point, he found himself in a 2v2 beer pong game with Stan, Kenny, and Butters. Kyle was the unfortunate one to be on Butters' team. It wasn't that Butters was bad or anything, but it was that he was worse than everyone else playing, which made him the weakest link. Butters was Kenny's man. Why didn't he just play with Kenny?
After their abysmal loss, Kenny walked over to Butters and Kyle.
"'Sup, my dude," he directed the question towards Kyle, but he pulled Butters to his side. Kyle stood sort of dumbfounded for a moment. He knew about this development from Stan of course, but it was another thing entirely to see it in person.
"Nothing much, man. Feelin' pretty good," Kyle laughed, taking another sip of his drink. Pretty soon he was going to have to switch over from the hard liquor mixed drinks to something that won't want him to die in the morning.
"Yeah, I bet. The super best friends are reunited once again," Kenny was flashing him a cheeky smile, and the meaning behind it was starting to grate on Kyle's nerves.
"Nah, man. That's not the only reason," Kyle defended. He crossed his arms in a defiant posture the best he could while holding a red solo cup filled nearly to the brim.
"Come on, Kyle! You don't have to be so coy with us! We can tell. It's okay to be happy to be around Stan again!" Butters exclaimed a little too loudly for Kyle's liking. He frowned and looked around the party, seeing that everyone was too caught up in their own conversations or dancing to take notice of Butters' observation.
"Fine. Yeah. I'm happy. Keep it down, will ya?"
"So," Kenny began, taking a sip from his beer, "When are you going to tell him?"
Kyle flashed Kenny a warning look, glancing over to Butters. Kenny knew that Kyle was gay, but he didn't want everyone to know before he was good and ready. And though Butters was sweet, that included him as well. He cast over a glare in response.
Kenny seemed to take the cue, "Butters, Kyle and I are going out for a smoke, watch my drink."
"Sure thing, Ken!" Butters smiled and took the drink from his hand as the two walked out the door and down the stairs to the yard. It was more secluded from the others who would love the gossip.
Kenny took out his pack and put one in his lips before offering Kyle one. Kyle didn't smoke often. Usually, it was around Kenny. Of course, he ran, but he didn't smoke often enough for it to be a regular thing, so it should be okay.
Once they were both lit up, Kenny immediately got into the nitty-gritty.
"So when are you going to tell him?"
Aside from Stan, Kenny was one of his closest friends. He never confided in Kenny his feelings towards Stan, but it was just something Kenny knew somehow. Kyle couldn't deny anything, but it didn't stop him from being petulant towards Kenny when he brought it up.
"Hopefully never. He doesn't need to know. I mean. Sure he could find out if I ever-"
"Dude, no. You know you both deserve more than that shit," Kenny said as he took another drag, "You have no obligation to tell him, which is true, but you and I both know that you should."
"What does it matter if I tell him I'm gay or not?" Kyle huffed, starting to get a little angry. He was always prone to anger, but being as drunk as he was, he was way more likely to go off.
"You and I both know that isn't what I mean," Kenny said, pointing the lit end of his cigarette towards Kyle, warding him off from an attack that may or may not happen with this line of conversation, "You need to tell him."
Kyle's face grew bright red. He took another puff of his cigarette before he responded, "Why should I? It's not going to change anything. I know he won't stop being my friend if I told him, at least that's what I hope. So what's the point in telling him?"
"You're trying to move on, right? I know you aren't dating anyone. I doubt that you have ever slept with anyone. He's holding you back. You're right. He won't stop being your friend, but until you tell him and accept it may not happen, you can't move on and find someone to love you as much as you want him to."
Kyle didn't say anything in response. He contemplated what Kenny said. Maybe he was right. He should tell him everything. That he was gay. That he had a ridiculous crush on him. That it was really holding him back in his life in every way.
"Dude, this is so fucked," Kyle murmured while Kenny gave him a pitying look.
"It won't be the end of the world, dude."
Kyle didn't want to admit Kenny was right so he finished the cigarette and thanked Kenny before finding his way back inside.
Kyle pushed his way through the party crowd and made his way to Stan who was pouring himself and Wendy another drink. They were talking in hushed tones, Stan looking increasingly more and more uncomfortable as it went on. Once Kyle had made it, he stole Stan's drink and took a hearty gulp. He didn't care if he got a terrible hangover the next day, he just wanted to drown his feelings.
"Thief," Stan chuckled and grabbed another cup to make himself another drink.
"You're the one who said I couldn't make my own drinks or whatever. Fuck off," Kyle liked that he was able to do this kind of thing with Stan and it not be weird. He liked that he got an indirect kiss every time they shared a drink. But that indulgence soon left him feeling guilty.
Kyle set his eyes on Wendy who's irritated expression didn't change since he had walked over and interrupted, "Great party, Wends," Kyle smiled and lifted his drink as a toast to her, sloshing a bit on himself before taking another gulp. Luckily no one other than Kyle took notice, so he continued as if nothing had happened.
The irritated look quickly disappeared and was replaced with a smile of her own, "Oh it really isn't a problem, Kyle. I'm more than happy to do it."
"Still, it was really thoughtful. Especially since Cartman isn't here. You couldn't have planned better."
She giggled and watched as Stan took his cue to go mingle with other people.
She sighed and looked into her drink, "I just made sure to have it when I knew he was going to be out of town. No one really wants him around anymore. Most of us have grown out of his childish antics."
"Thank God."
They were quiet for a little before Kyle spoke again, "Are you and Stan okay?"
Wendy gave Kyle a pleading look before turning her eyes back to her cup. She sighed and shook her head.
"No. We broke up."
"Oh. I'm sorry," Kyle said finally as he awkwardly placed his hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, "When did that happen? Stan said you were okay earlier."
"And you believed him?"
"No. But I figured I should ask you still." Kyle lied, thoughtfully neglecting to bring up how Craig and Tweek knew something was up before he did.
"Well. Anyways. We kinda just broke up," she said, steeling herself to look forward.
"Like broke up now? At this party now?"
Wendy nodded her head and sighed turning back to Kyle.
"I know it's shitty. But honestly, it needed to be done. You know it, Kyle. We've been playing this game for too long. We love each other, but we aren't in love with each other. I don't think we ever were. We aren't willing to do the hard shit to keep us together. We deserve people who will love us fully. I think we will always be friends, but this is it."
Kyle nodded his head and took another sip of his drink.
"We'll always love each other in a way. But he is happy where he is. Here in South Park. I'm not. You get it, right Kyle?"
Kyle nodded his head again, looking at Stan once more, "I get it. I mean. I figured it would happen one day. But for both of your sakes, I hoped not."
Kyle truly meant that. He did love Stan, but he didn't want other people to become unhappy because of his feelings. They did love each other, even if they fought a lot. Wendy had always been there for Stan, and he did the same for her. Though their fighting was annoying, he didn't wish for their relationship to fail.
Wendy hummed in response. She poured more vodka into both of their drinks, followed by a generous splash of Dr. Pepper. Guess she did see Kyle spill on himself but decided to not say anything.
"To being single, I guess," Wendy laughed a little as she 'clinked' their plastic cups together, "Although I hope not for long. We're gonna find people one day when the time is right."
Kyle laughed and took a sip when she did. He really did like Wendy. He always felt guilty for liking Stan in the way he did, but he never harbored any resentment. Wendy was a great girl and Stan was lucky to have her in that way. Kyle never understood being insanely jealous of someone in a position in which they wanted to be in. Yeah, he wished he was Stan's boyfriend, but he didn't hate Wendy for being that person for Stan. Kyle could see why Stan loved her. In a way, he loved her too.
As they both laughed over the rims of their cups, they both heard Stan's front door slamming open over the blaring music. They both turned their heads to the noise and watched as a rotund figure made its way into the party and towards the counter where the two both found themselves at. Eric Cartman sneered at the lively crowd as he grabbed himself a red solo cup and filled it to the brim with whatever he could find.
"Sup, Jew," Cartman cast over lazily toward Kyle. Before Kyle could respond, however, Wendy interjected.
"Eric, I thought you were in Denver for the week," she said as she swished her drink around, "I didn't realize that you would be here…"
"Well, shit changes, bitch. I wouldn't miss out on free drinks," he said as he greedily gulped down whatever concoction he made for himself.
Kyle rolled his eyes and decided that it was best for him to walk away. He decided to tell Heidi that Cartman was there if she hadn't known already. Wendy cast a worried look after Kyle, screaming 'please don't leave me with this misogynistic asshole,' but he gave her an apologetic wave, ignoring the weird look that Cartman cast his way. After all, it was a party in his honor. That meant he could do what he wanted.
He walked around, searching through the thinning crowd for Heidi. He came across Kenny and Butters again instead.
"Have you guys seen Heidi?"
"Oh, she, Token, and Nicole all left when Eric walked through the door," Butters said pointing at Cartman.
"Thanks. I just wanted to make sure she was okay," Kyle said as he breathed a sigh of relief.
He stuck around Kenny and Butters for a while, taking smaller sips of his drink than he had been as he continued to catch up. Thankfully, there were no more questions about what he was planning on doing with his future.
Kyle was feeling good. A cloudy fuzz infiltrated his head and every step that he took. He swayed a bit, smiling to himself and anyone who met his line of sight. He was happy. Stan and Wendy took the time to throw all of this together just for him and everyone came. Even people that he didn't particularly want to see. He couldn't be happier at this moment.
He decided that this was the perfect time to tell Stan of this, but he was accosted by yet another person.
"Hey, Kyle," Bebe said smiling, "How's it going?"
"Pretty good. I feel drunk so I guess this is successful," Kyle laughed.
"That's good!" she smiled again, pulling Kyle away from the crowd to a more secluded part of the packed apartment.
"Yeah, dude. What have you been up to? I haven't seen you since… God, it wasn't graduation was it?"
"Yeah, unfortunately," Bebe laughed, inching closer to Kyle, "But it's whatever. We can't get far away enough from someone without knowing what's going on. Congrats, by the way!"
"Hey, thanks!" Kyle said as he leaned in closer to better hear Bebe, "But seriously, what have you been up to?"
"Ah, I'm just trying to figure it all out, ya know? I'm working with Stan's mom at Tom's Rhinoplasty, but I make shit to sell on Etsy on the side. I'm just seeing what works, you know? Trying to figure some shit out."
Kyle nodded as if he understood, "Yeah, totally. What kinds of shit do you sell?"
"All kinds. Phone cases, water bottles, bracelets... Anything that I can put glitter on, I sell a shit ton of. Thank god the elementary school kids have phones now. I wouldn't get as much in sales otherwise," she laughed, leaning into Kyle. Kyle normally would back away, but tonight he didn't feel the need to. He felt good.
They were quiet for a moment before Bebe looked up at Kyle, "Hey, do you wanna uh," she began, darting her eyes to the hallway behind her, "Go somewhere quieter. It's super loud in here."
"Yeah. Sure, dude." Kyle stumbled after Bebe, following her into Stan's bedroom. It was much quieter in there, he agreed. It would be a lot easier to talk to each other away from everyone else. They began to catch up some more. What Kyle was studying. What he planned to do, or rather, his lack of a plan, which irked Kyle a little bit. They touched on more gossip of South Park, namely the new relationship of Kenny and Butters, and they both bitched about how successful Cartman was, despite how shitty he was as a person.
"Fuck. All of the shit he used to put me through. It's a wonder he's still even willing to show his face around here. I can't imagine what he's done to other people," Kyle continued, thinking about Heidi. He felt bad and wanted to send her a text, but decided it would be better left for the morning.
"Yeah," Bebe replied, laughing as she did so. She was quiet for a moment, contemplating. Kyle waited for her to finish her thought, but he honestly hoped she would finish it up because he wanted to get himself a beer and find Stan.
When it didn't seem like she was going to talk anymore, Kyle was about to stand up but was stopped by Bebe looking very serious, "Kyle. Can I try something?"
"Wha-" Kyle was stopped in his tracks as Bebe moved forward in an attempt to kiss him. Kyle moved away and quickly stood up, "Uh. Bebe, I-"
"No, it's okay, Kyle. I haven't been drinking. It's okay," she stood up now with Kyle and moved to press her body against his. Every fiber of his being was telling him to leave. He backed up enough for there to be some distance between them, but for some reason, he stayed. Even when Bebe began to take off her top, Kyle averted his eyes but stayed anyway.
"Bebe," Kyle nearly shouted, trying to emphasize the seriousness of his tone.
"What? Are you okay?" Panic was rising in her voice. Kyle didn't want to hurt her feelings but didn't know what else to do.
"Bebe, please, just…" Kyle moved over to where she discarded her shirt and held it up to her, not looking at her bare chest.
"I don't understand…"
"Bebe, look… You are hot. I can even admit that. But it won't work. I'm sorry," He turned from Bebe, giving her privacy for her to put her shirt back on.
"We don't have to be anything serious. We can just mess around, you know..."
"Bebe," Kyle continued, fully facing her now that her shirt was on, "It can't work like that… Serious or not… I'm gay."
Aside from his family and at school, this was the first time Kyle had admitted this fact aloud. He didn't want to hurt someone's feelings like this. But, he had to let her know it wasn't her that was the problem in this.
Bebe was stunned into silence. Her face flushed red and she bit her lip, trying to find the right words to say.
All that came out of her mouth was, "Oh."
Kyle sat on Stan's bed and held his head in his hands. Fuck. He didn't want to come out like this to anyone. He never thought he would be pushed so far that he felt like he needed to. This was a shit show and surely Bebe was going to tell everyone.
"I just… I'm sorry, Kyle," Bebe began, sitting on the bed next to Kyle, "I didn't know."
"No one here did. Well, besides Kenny, but Kenny knows everything..."
"I just… Stan told me-"
Kyle pulled his face from his hands. He was hoping that what he was hearing from Bebe wasn't right. He had trouble hiding the anger from his voice, "What the fuck does Stan got to do with this?"
"He's the one that told me… He said you were single, I was interested, we thought that maybe we could, ya know…"
"Fuck, that idiot…" Kyle rubbed his face and groaned.
"Look, Kyle," Bebe continued as she placed her hand on Kyle's shoulder, "I won't tell anyone if you don't want to. The only thing is… Can we still, ya know… Be friends after this?"
"Yeah, dude, of course…" Kyle replied, "God. I'm sorry. If I wasn't gay I would totally be into you…"
"Kyle, you need to know how to quit when you're ahead," she chuckled a little.
"Sorry," Kyle said simply.
They sat in uncomfortable silence, their thoughts seemed to seep into the room, making it unbearable to even speak. It felt like a fog that neither one was willing to traverse through. Both of them avoided looking at the other, settling their eyes on Stan's various belongings in the room.
Bebe broke through the fog first.
"Why didn't you tell Stan?"
"I… I don't know. I didn't even really come out at all until college. It was easier. I didn't know anyone. It didn't matter or change things if I was gay in college. Here is different. No one expects it of me, I guess. I'm not exactly the stereotype," Kyle sighed, remembering everyone's metrosexual phase and how he couldn't bring himself to fall into it.
"I mean. Everyone is different. Did you expect Kenny to fall for Butters, or Craig to keep Tweek after all these years? I mean. Yeah, it was a surprise to me, but I don't think anyone expects anything from you. People want you to be happy. I mean. Fuck. This whole party is for you. Stan did this for you."
"Stan thinks I'm straight. All he's been talking about since I've been home is me getting a girlfriend. Like...I know shit won't change between us, but I don't know that for a fact. And that's just terrifying to me."
"Look. I'm not going to pressure you in any way. Coming out should be at your own pace, if you even want to. Sorry again for forcing you to," Bebe interjected, "But I think the best way of getting rid of those fears is to just tell them. They love you. They may be surprised, but nothing is going to change how they feel about you. I can say that with certainty," Bebe stood up and gave Kyle a real smile this time, "Anyways, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go back to the party now and pretend that I haven't embarrassed myself. Hit me up okay. As long as you want to that is."
"Yeah, dude. We can talk about dudes or whatever."
"Sounds good." Bebe cast Kyle a wink and exited the room, leaving Kyle by himself. He laid back on the bed but decided against it as the spins came to him. He sat back up and willed himself to not throw up.
God, he couldn't believe that Stan tried to set him up with Bebe. At first, Kyle thought it was funny. He chuckled to himself a little. But suddenly with all the force of an unexpected stop while driving, Kyle was angry. How fucking dare Stan get into his business like this? He couldn't have been more clear that he did not want this. Kyle was hurt. Stan didn't think he could get someone on his own and fucking set him up, with a girl no less. Sure, Stan didn't know, but this situation shouldn't have existed in the first place. He would tell Stan later. He was angry and suddenly nauseous. He rose up from Stan's bed as quickly as he could and moved to the bathroom in the hall. In use. Shit.
He pushed his way through the people at the party and ran down the stairs. He had barely made it outside when it finally came. He felt like he was dying, struggling to catch his breath between the bouts of his stomach ejecting all of its contents into Stan's yard.
Finally, when he thought it was all over, he registered a voice from next to him.
"God. Can't hold your liquor, eh?"
"Shut the fuck up, fatass. Don't act like you've never done this shit before," Kyle gasped out, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Aside from Stan, Cartman was the literal last person he wanted to see right now. Kyle didn't know why he was outside, it wasn't like he smoked or anything. He seemed to be texting someone while Kyle was trying to compose himself.
"Oh I have, but come on Kyle. We're adults. Be a man. Fucking sleep it off, Christ."
Kyle rolled his eyes and couldn't pull his brain cells together to say anything other than, "Fuck off."
Kyle turned to go up the stairs but found himself wobbling in place. Suddenly going up the stairs seemed to be a mountain of a task. He considered crawling up the stairs for a second, pride be damned, but was soon helped by an arm securely wrapped around his waist.
"Dumb fucking Jew. Can't even use the stairs," Cartman grumbled to himself as he heaved Kyle up the stairs with him.
Kyle was too tired to be an ass but managed to utter a, "Fuck off, I can do it myself."
When Kyle was sure that Cartman was going to let go of him at this point, at the top of the stairs, Stan appeared, worry etched on his face.
"Kyle, dude. You okay?" Stan moved to help get Kyle the rest of the way up the stairs. Kyle momentarily forgot his anger and let himself be moved to Stan's room. He was given water and told to drink, which he did after angrily saying, "I'm not a fucking child, I know I need to drink water. I'm drunk, not dying."
He did, however, ask Stan for Ibuprofen, knowing that it will help with the hangover in the morning.
After he was assured that Kyle was okay, Stan and Cartman, who had followed the two into Stan's bedroom, decided to leave and make it back to the rest of the party. Kyle wondered why Cartman would follow them into the room, but he didn't really care much.
Most of the guests didn't drink as much as Kyle did, so they were fine to party for a while longer. At some point, Kyle shed his clothes aside from his boxers and decided that sleep would be best for his current condition, despite the spins he knew he would have. He didn't wake for a while until he felt another body enter the bed beside him.
"What time is it?"
"'Bout four. Everyone's gone home. Safely. Most Ubered here to begin with, so no one was driving," Stan assured Kyle's unasked question.
"What time did I pass out?"
" 'bout two."
"Ah," Kyle murmured as he stared at the dark wall he was turned towards. He was piecing together the events that unfolded during the party. He remembered what Bebe had said. How Stan had tried to set him and Bebe up. All the anger he had before he passed out came rushing back to him. He knew Stan was about to fall asleep. He heard Stan's breath becoming more uniform, deeper. But Kyle sat up slowly and turned on the bedside lamp. He needed to shed light on the situation and in the room so he could see Stan more clearly. Although the light was dimmer than it would have been from the overhead light, Kyle still had to shield his eyes momentarily, though he knew the light was coming.
"Dude," Kyle said sternly, still covering his eyes with his arm, "Don't ever fucking do that again."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You're the one who turned on the light," Stan sat up now, looking at Kyle with annoyance. Stan was just in his boxers as well, a common practice among the two since they were young. Kyle didn't have the heart to put it all to a stop just yet. But he would, depending on what happens with the conversation.
Kyle finally pulled his arm away from his face and turned to look at Stan fully, "You know what I mean. With Bebe."
"Oh," Stan dropped his eyes to look at his blanket, "I mean. Didn't it work out though? Bebe seemed at least a little happy when she left the room."
"Dude, you just don't fucking get it. What gives you the right to fuck with my love life like that? You know how I feel about this shit. I'm not going to just sleep with someone and suddenly be fucking fixed or whatever you thought might happen. I don't like Bebe like that. Nothing happened."
"So, fucking try again! You just have to put yourself out there-"
"Stan! Enough! I don't know why this shit is so interesting to you, but it's fucking stressful for me. Especially because you don't know what the fuck you're doing."
"What do you mean? You and Bebe get along well enough! She is into you, I just don't understand why you just didn't-"
"Because I'm not into her. I'm not into girls like that."
It had to come out. Kyle had to say it. He couldn't imagine another Bebe situation. And despite feeling that Stan would get the picture to not try to play matchmaker in the future anymore, he didn't trust him not to. At least if he was going to do it, he should do it right.
"Wait, wha-"
"I'm fucking gay, dude. You're trying to set me up with girls, and I am not into them. See the problem?"
Stan looked like he was finally piecing everything together. He was finally realizing why his talks and concerns about Kyle's love life had fallen flat. He stared into the blanket he was clutching, not looking at Kyle just yet. That look made Kyle's heart tighten. This was it. Now that this was out, the other shoe was bound to fall. Where depended on Stan's next words.
"Why… Why didn't you tell me?"
Slightly relieved that he wasn't outright rejected, Kyle sighs, "Fuck, Stan... I didn't even really come out until college. No one knows about me here, aside from Kenny, Bebe, thanks for that by the way, and now you. It's too personal… I wanted to do it on my own time, but you kind of forced things…" Kyle didn't want to mention that his family knew. As far as either one of them were concerned, they were family.
"So, you didn't trust me?" Stan looked wounded. The two had told each other everything growing up. There were no secrets between them. To Stan, it must have been like the biggest secret of all was kept from him.
"It's not that… It's that…" Kyle didn't know how to word this. Kenny was right. He needed to tell Stan. In his gut, he knew that Stan wouldn't hate him, but he was still afraid, "You're the problem."
Well. That didn't come out right.
"What the fuck does that mean? You could tell Bebe and Kenny, but not me?" Stan looked angry now. Kyle was trying to find the words to say that would alleviate the situation.
"Dude, I didn't say that right… I just… I don't know how to say this…" Kyle didn't want to argue about how Stan was the one to force him to tell Bebe.
"Do you think I'm homophobic or something? Dude, I don't care, I just don't understand why I'm the problem. We're supposed to be best friends. Why couldn't you tell me this?"
"Dude, no. I know you're not. That wasn't really the worry, I mean sure in the less rational part of my brain it was, but that's not it."
"Well, tell me why I'm the problem? I don't get it." His eyes connected with Kyle's. He looked confused. Hurt. Kyle didn't want to hurt him, but he was afraid for himself. He was slowly realizing that he was just hurting himself in not telling Stan.
Kyle took a sigh and looked away from Stan. Everything that he's been feeling over the years was about to boil over the top. Everything that he said next, he knew wouldn't scare Stan away. He knew this. But he didn't think he would ever have to say it. Kyle worried the blanket on the bed as he tried to steel himself. It wouldn't do any good trying to sugar coat it.
"Look. When I say this, I know that our friendship won't change," Kyle began slowly. "I know it won't. But there's still a part of me that thinks it will. So just- I mean. I don't know. Don't hate me too much, I guess," Kyle sighs and now turns fully to face Stan, though he still did not look at him.
"I didn't tell you because you're the reason I know I'm gay," Kyle said, suddenly finding the words he didn't know he knew how to say, "I've liked you since high school. You're like… Everything to me, dude... I thought over time I could just shake these feelings away and I haven't been able to. Some stupid part of me wants to hold onto the notion that you may like me back. And I know you don't. You don't have to explain that. But I didn't tell you because you're my stupid gay crush. I've been trying to move on. At least at college, but that shit never worked out. So. Now you know. I'm gay and I like you. Stop trying to set me up with girls because that will never happen."
Kyle had put it all out there. His bones vibrated with the knowledge that it was out. He would be fine, that they would be fine, but he still held that poisonous thought. That he would lose Stan. All the years of being friends would be gone in an instant, nothing more than a memory that he would revisit at his darkest moments. Something that would pull him in the back of his mind when he was reminded of him. Something that would keep him up at night for months to come.
Stan was quiet for a minute before he replied, not doing much to lessen the anxiety that Kyle felt, "That's all? Seriously, dude? You could have told me that. You know things wouldn't change between us. Why didn't you say anything before?"
"I kinda said it. Besides. It's embarrassing. Would you have told me if shit was reversed?"
"Yeah, I mean. I don't know. I'd like to think I would at least."
Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed, "Well, shit is different in theory than it is in practice. I didn't want to change shit."
"Nothing has changed. The only thing is that I know now. You never tried to pursue shit with me, you never treated Wendy bad because I was with her, why would shit change just because I know now? I'm nothing without you, dude. I don't think anything could change us."
They were both silent, letting the knowledge sink between them. Stan knows everything now. Kyle wouldn't be losing his best friend. Why didn't the air feel lighter now? Then, Kyle realized. It was because he said it all. And Stan didn't reciprocate. He tried to not let that part sting him as much as it should, after all, he knew that Stan wouldn't want him that way.
Stan pulled Kyle out of his own thoughts finally by stating, "Well, now that I know, I can help you at least, right?"
"What do you mean?" Kyle couldn't imagine anything that Stan could do to help him with this.
"I mean. All this time, I've been pushing you towards girls. Now, I can help you get some dick."
"Dude, no. I don't think-"
"No seriously, think about it. You want to, like, get over me, right? Wouldn't it be cathartic or something if I helped you find your true love or some shit? So you can get over your super gay crush on me. Is it too soon to joke about it?" he ventured, chuckling a little.
Kyle chuckled in response. He actually preferred to be made fun of a little due to this, rather than Stan treating him differently. It made it all hurt less.
"Nah, man. It's fine, I guess. Just don't push too far," Kyle warned, "But I mean. Dude, you're straight. How do you think you can help me, a gay guy, who is totally failing in that respect?"
"Look, we're best friends. We don't always understand one another, but we can at least try. I can get you a boyfriend," Stan said tilting his chin up confidently, "Besides, if you have a crush on me, you must have good taste and I can help you nail down your type."
"Oh, so you mean get me a copy of you, great," Kyle mumbled and rubbed his face with his hands, "No, I don't think this can work."
"Dude, it totally can. Think about it, I can help you bring out the best you."
"What does that mean? I'm not always my 'best me'?"
"No. You're not. You know that. When you're freaking out about what to do or say, you push people. I can help you with that. But that's a little bit away. First, let's get you set up with a Grindr."
Stan reached across Kyle to pull his phone off the charger, he must have plugged it in when Kyle was passed out. Kyle's heart skipped a beat as their bare chests brushed against each other. How could Stan still be cool with this after everything he knew? Stan didn't know that everything mattered to Kyle when concerning Stan.
He unlocked Kyle's phone with his thumbprint and began to download the app.
"Dude, no," Kyle pinches the bridge of his nose, "Come on, I can't make a Grindr."
"How many open gay guys do you know in South Park? Aside from the ones we know."
Kyle sighed, he wanted to find someone. Anyone that he could use as an example, but he fell flat. People like Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al aren't the best examples.
"I guess you're right, but still. I'd prefer to, ya know, meet someone naturally, not off of some dating app."
"Dude, I know, but think about it. You don't have to deal with the problem of finding out who's gay and who isn't. On this app, you know for sure. It gives you a better opportunity. And besides, this isn't going to be our only method. We can go to clubs and shit. Mingle a little out there. We can totally do this, dude."
Kyle bit his lip a little and conceded to Stan, "Fine. Fine. You can help me. But listen. We gotta talk about some rules."
"What do you mean?"
"Like. Boundaries and stuff," Kyle said, taking his phone from Stan's hands, "Like. You know I like you. I know you're doing this all to help me move on and… be happier. And I appreciate that," Kyle sighed and continued, " But, there's some shit that is going to need to change to make this easier for me, you get that right? I know we said things wouldn't change, but… Little things, you know?"
Kyle looked from his phone into Stan's eyes, trying to convey the seriousness of this conversation. He wanted to show how much he's been hurting over the years. How every touch, every glance, every little smile, meant so much to him.
"I mean, yeah dude. Just like," Stan paused, looking away from the intensity he was getting from Kyle, "Tell me, and I can stop. Or whatever."
"Thank you," Kyle breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to his phone.
Stan looked at him expectantly, Kyle looked back up at him, "What?"
"I mean, aren't you going to tell me?"
"What?"
"The rules! Boundaries, or whatever!" Stan exclaimed, a little frustrated at Kyle.
"Oh… Yeah- Uh… I guess no prolonged physical contact?"
"That's it? Wait. We can't hug or anything?"
"I mean. We can. Just keeping it minimal would be better, I guess," Kyle said quietly. He hated that he had to do this to be happy. He loved the physical contact between them, but he had to keep it totally platonic now. It would be easier if it didn't happen at all, but they knew that wouldn't happen.
"Okay… And that's all you're going to tell me?"
"Dude, look I don't know how everything is going to affect me. I can just tell you when it happens, okay?" Kyle tried hard to not let his frustration come out and judging from the look on Stan's face, he didn't succeed.
Stan nodded in agreement, his face falling somewhat, "Okay."
"Now help me set up this account?"
"Yeah, dude."
It was relatively simple at first. Email. Password. Good. But the harder stuff came after they were editing Kyle's new profile. There were tons of things to fill out. It was one of those moments, like, when someone asked what you wanted for Christmas. You suddenly feel that there was never anything that you liked enough to actually want. Kyle momentarily forgot everything about himself. Luckily, Stan was there to help him advertise himself.
"Okay, so we have to set up some pics of you. We should choose your Facebook profile pic for the main one."
"Sounds good. What about the others?"
Stan scrolled through Kyle's camera roll and selected three others, one of Kyle standing against a tree, laughing at something Kenny said, holding a cigarette in his hand. The next one was a closeup, him smiling at Stan as he forced him to get a picture the morning after Kyle's twenty-first birthday. Stan insisted the picture looked good, but Kyle knew he looked like he had a hangover. Next was one of him with Stan during a camping trip they took last summer.
"We have one more slot. What should we choose?"
"Well, you gotta have a topless pic."
"Dude, no way," Kyle laughed, shoving Stan playfully.
"Come on, it will get some looks. Just do it," Stan seemed excited about the prospect of getting Kyle to take a topless picture, but Kyle was not going to let that happen for more reason than one.
"Dude, no. I don't want that kind of attention," Kyle said firmly, his mind set.
"Fine, whatever," Stan pouted a little.
Stan chose another pic, an older one on the day they all graduated high school. They were filled with joy and nervous excitement for what was to come.
They continued to fill out the profile, height, weight, ethnicity, pausing every so often to laugh at some of the questions they asked.
"Position?"
Kyle decided to ignore Stan's question and would answer that one later on his own.
Finally, they were filling out the about me section. Stan would edit what Kyle said every once in a while. Eventually, they hammered it out, posting the section that said,
"Hey, I'm Kyle. Looking for a serious relationship. New to Grindr. I just graduated from college with a BA in Psychology. No, I will not be your therapist. I'm into good humor, good food, and good people."
Stan wanted to add a lot more, but from looking at the other profiles, they seemed to be a lot shorter than what he had. But, after arguing a little more, finally, they seemed to have a completed profile.
"Sweet," Kyle said after heaving a sigh.
"Yeah, dude. This is gonna be great."
Kyle hummed in response, and turned to look at Stan, "Dude… Why did you tell me that you and Wendy were okay?"
Stan seemed to have been caught off guard by the question. He rifled his fingers through his hair and sighed, "Well… I honestly thought we were. I didn't think that our fighting was any different from usual. I guess she just had enough…"
"I'm sorry, dude," Kyle said and hesitantly put his hand on Stan's shoulder, much like he did for Wendy.
"Don't be… We wanted different things, I guess. It will be okay. We'll still be friends. It will just be… Different." Stan seemed to trail off. Maybe all of the things that he had pulled with Kyle, was in a way trying to distract himself from his own failing relationship. He couldn't save his own, but he thought he could do something for Kyle.
"Yeah…" Kyle didn't know what else to say. He could have said something similar to what he said to Wendy, but he couldn't. But he didn't want Stan thinking that he wished it would happen.
"You know… Despite what you may think… I was always rooting for you guys. I know I'd say shit, but I always wanted you guys to be happy. I'm just sorry it couldn't be with you guys together," Kyle finally said, looking at Stan, who stared dejectedly at the blanket again.
"Thanks, man… It means a lot…" Stan cast Kyle a sad smile before giving him a quick hug. It would have been comical if not for the serious atmosphere.
Kyle returned his smile, "No problem, dude."
A long silence began between them. Kyle took it as his cue and began to get out of Stan's bed. He dug through the duffle bag he had brought over in anticipation of spending the night and put on a nightshirt and sleep pants. He pulled his phone charger from the wall before Stan realized what was going on.
"Dude, where are you going?" Stan watched from the bed in confusion.
"I'm gonna sleep out on the couch. Do you have extra blankets and a pillow?" Kyle tried to remain nonchalant about what was happening, in hopes that he didn't have to explain himself. Unfortunately, Stan Marsh made that impossible.
"What's wrong with sleeping here?"
Kyle heaved a heavy sigh before replying, "Dude, come on. We just talked about this… We can't do that anymore…"
Stan blinked, almost looking shocked by what Kyle had said. He looked like he forgot what language he spoke before he churned out an, "Oh… Yeah… I'll- I'll help you get set up out there."
They moved from Stan's room out to the living room. The place was a wreck, but the couch was cleared. Kyle would help Stan clean in the morning. Well, it was technically six now, but still. As Stan went to the hall closet and brought out a blanket and pillow, Kyle plugged his phone into the outlet beside the couch. Stan came back with the items and set them down on the couch.
"You're all set," Stan said, rooted in his place beside the couch.
"Thanks, dude," Kyle said as he sat down on the couch and adjusted the pillow placement.
There was something heavier in the air than there was a few minutes before. Both of them had agreed that things wouldn't change between them, but inevitably, that promise wasn't meant to last.
Stan turned to Kyle and gave him a half-hearted smile, "G'night, dude."
"Night," Kyle returned, with his own sad smile.
Stan shut out the lights and retreated back to his room. Kyle sat in the blue glow of the morning light making its way into Stan's apartment, uninvited. It made the room look to be something entirely different than it was the night before. The change was unwelcome to Kyle. For now, he just wanted to sleep and get what happened out of his head.
Nothing's changed. We're fine. He'll get over it. It's just the way it has to be for now… Kyle lied to himself as sleep had finally taken him.
When he finally awoke, it was noon. He groggily got up and began to clean the apartment as much as his hangover allowed him to. Every so often he would stop and drink a glass full of water to help with the oncoming headache. The Ibuprofen he took that night helped a lot, but he expected that the ones he took as he woke up would help even more. Eventually, Kyle had most of the living room and kitchen cleaned. He bagged up any garbage he had gathered and set it by Stan's front door.
Kyle changed out of his sleep clothes into something more suitable for running. He wasn't going to run as many miles as he normally did. The hangover and the lack of running the past few weeks weren't going to allow for that, but he decided he could get in at least a mile before he came back to gather his things to go back to his parents' place.
Quickly, he peeked into Stan's bedroom. Stan was still asleep, his black hair coming out of the blanket as it rose and fell in time with his breathing. Kyle smiled sadly to himself and closed the door. He sent Stan a quick text to let him know he would be back in a little to get his stuff before he went home.
He started with a light jog. As he went, Kyle was remembering everything that was said last night; how they promised to stay the same but everything changed in both the smallest and in the most significant ways. He wasn't sure he was ready for what was already set into motion. He was going to get over Stan. Stan was going to help him. It was like his heart was breaking, but in a way that was entirely foreign to him.
Kyle was so lost in thought that he realized he had gone for one and a half miles and decided to head back to Stan's to get his things, and hopefully a ride. As he began to turn back, a strange feeling ran up Kyle's spine. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but he felt like he needed to get to Stan's as quickly as possible. He had planned to walk back, but something told him to run.
He needed to run.
Of course, Kyle felt that he was being ridiculous. It was just the anxiety of everything that was going on. There was nothing to worry about. Nothing to make him feel like he was in any danger. And yet, he ran.
And yet, he felt watched.
Someone was watching him.