I needed to get my frustration at their "problems" from S3 out of the way so this chapter is a little heavy on the talking.
When they'd finally had enough of the rain, Neil led them back through the hospital's revolving doors. As much as he wanted to grab hold of her hand and never let go again, they hadn't discussed how they would move forward with their relationship so instead, he guided her through the doors with a light hand on the small of her back. They made their way around the edges of the gala, trying to avoid dripping too much onto the foyer floor. They nodded politely to the few colleagues still making their exit from the party while waiting silently for an elevator up to the lockers and showers.
The elevator doors opened to reveal Glassman, rugged up in a large coat with his bags and an umbrella, ready to head home. He chuckled when saw his drenched Chief of Surgery and attending surgeon, giving them a knowing smile, "Forget our umbrellas, did we?"
"Turns out Audrey prefers to dance in the rain," Neil joked, eliciting another chuckle from Glassman and an elbow in the ribs from Audrey.
"Have a good evening, Aaron," Audrey said, earning her a smile and a reassuring pat on the back as Glassman passed to let them into the elevator.
"We should sit down and talk about this," Neil said once the elevator doors closed, gesturing with a hand to indicate he was referring to their relationship. Audrey nodded slowly with a worried frown, to which Neil added suggestively, "But we could probably get out of these wet clothes and into a hot shower first."
His words had the desired effect and Audrey smiled at him, trying to contain her amusement at his obvious antics, "I don't think it's such a good idea for you to be seen in the women's shower room, Dr. Melendez." They stepped out of the elevator, still leaving a trail of water droplets as they walked in comfortable silence. They stopped briefly in the empty corridor and Audrey leaned in to drop a kiss on his cheek. "I also think we should sort out our problems before we jump back into having mind-blowing sex," she whispered into his ear before walking off with a smug look on her face.
By the time he'd showered and changed, Neil had received a message from her.
I'll be in my office when you're ready.
Neil smiled to himself. Audrey had always been unbelievably efficient, so it was no surprise that she'd managed to be ready before him. For all the tolerance and kindness she could show to others, sometimes she could be incredibly direct and no-nonsense, especially when she was dealing with something important. In this case, her message left no room for argument and there was no doubt in Neil's mind that she was going to make working on their relationship with one of her priorities.
Audrey had left her office door ajar, waiting for him. When he arrived, Neil knocked lightly on her door, smiling at her as she looked up from her paperwork. "You're still working?" he asked with raised eyebrows.
"It's not urgent," she replied, standing up and moving over to the couch, "I can do the rest tomorrow." She waited for him to close the door behind him and join her, reaching out to take both his hands in hers when he sat down. Looking into his eyes, she saw his love for her but also the seemingly insurmountable challenges that lay in wait for them. She could feel the same sense of anxiety and fear that had pushed her to break up with him suddenly rising up again, and she had the urge to pull away but she ignored her impulses and instead tightened her grip on his hands. She'd promised to give them another chance.
Audrey broke the silence with a soft sigh, trying to keep the fear out of her voice, "We've got a lot to work out, Neil. This isn't going to be easy."
"I'm not going to say it's not complicated," Neil began cautiously, squeezing her hands reassuringly, "But I love you and it's enough for me to keep trying to make this work. I believe in our relationship. I believe in us."
His words reminded her of her own harsh ones from several months ago, "I love you but it's not enough," and she couldn't keep the tears from welling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she breathed softly, "It was a cruel thing for me to say, to give up on us just because it got too hard. You have every right to be upset with me."
"I'm not upset," Neil replied, reaching up and brushing away a tear that had escaped her eye, "It hurt but I understood. Things were becoming too complicated and we were letting our problems affect our work. I understand why you thought you had to give up on us." He paused to watch for her reaction, willing her to understand that he wasn't bringing up her words because he'd been upset, but because he believed they could prove her wrong. "I shouldn't have let you go. If you're at fault for giving up on us, then I'm just as much at fault for letting you."
Audrey nodded slowly, blinking away her tears. She shifted to sit closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder and intertwining her fingers with his, as she'd done the night he lost Patty Fields in the OR. She let out a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding and he kissed her on the head, smiling into her hair, glad she'd been able to let go of her guilt for now.
"We should probably spend more time working out a plan than apologizing for what's already happened," Neil prompted after a moment of silence.
Audrey nodded, reluctantly sitting up to face him. "We can't take the same path we took last time," she said determinedly, "If this is going to work, something has to change. I don't want this to be some forbidden relationship we have to keep hidden from HR."
Neil considered her suggestion carefully but finally agreed, "Okay, I'm on board with that. But you know HR will put all sorts of boundaries in place for us, right?"
"I know. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm willing to make an effort for us."
"Me too," he replied with a smile.
"And I've been thinking about what you said," Audrey continued, "I think you were right, you should probably run your medical decisions past Glassman."
Neil's surprise was clearly displayed across his face. Shaking his head, he quickly interjected, "No, Audrey, I shouldn't have asked that of you. You're the Chief of Surgery, it's your job to oversee and review all the medical decisions made by your surgeons, including me."
His refusal of his own suggestion bothered Audrey and made her remove her hand from his. Crossing her arms, she retorted, "Now that I'm agreeing with your idea, you've changed your mind?"
"It's not that, I'm not trying to pick a fight," Neil sighed, reaching across to take her hand again, relieved when she relaxed and let him. "When I raised that idea, I was raising it to my boss, at a time when I thought she wasn't being objective about me or my abilities as a surgeon. Not to mention that I was still angry about losing a patient in the OR and trying to find something else to blame."
Neil paused, considering his next words before admitting, "I was also afraid that our disputes at work would bring trouble for our relationship." Audrey nodded slowly in agreement, having had the same concerns about the effect of their arguments at work on their relationship. Neil continued, "We've both agreed that we could have done better in that situation – I had been affected by Patty's death more than I was willing to admit, and you were doubting my judgment because you knew I wasn't fine."
"Just because you made the suggestion out of anger or fear doesn't mean it was a bad one," Audrey said, trying to reason with him but Neil shook his head again.
"Right now I'm saying this to you as your colleague and friend, as someone who loves you and knows you," Neil said to her with a loving smile, "Audrey, I think you're the best person for this job. I've watched you and worked with you since we were just residents. I know how incredibly focused you can be and I know you can make assessed and objective decisions, even when circumstances are difficult."
"Your belief in me is sweet, Neil, but it doesn't change the fact that our relationship complicates things," Audrey replied, returning his smile but determined to make him see her point, "I can't help the fact that I'll know things about you that Aaron or Marcus wouldn't have, in the same position. I'll know if you're something is going on in your personal life and I don't know if I can stop that from affecting my assessment of you as a surgeon."
"That should be a good thing!" Neil said eagerly, "Our work directly affects the lives of our patients and we should be at the top of our game, always. Knowing more about me should objectively allow you to make a better decision."
"Except when I've got the wrong idea about you. Your concerns with the surgery for Wren Braxton didn't all stem from your doubts after losing Patty Fields. I was wrong."
"That wasn't your fault," Neil said, drawing her closer and leaning in to rest his forehead against hers. "I should have listened. We should have talked. I didn't want to seem weak and incompetent in front of my boss, but I should have remembered that you're more than that. If I'd actually listened when my girlfriend expressed her concern for me and talked it out with her, maybe my boss wouldn't have had reason to doubt my state of mind and judgment."
Audrey exhaled in amusement at that. "Should teach you to listen to your girlfriend more, huh?" she teased, tilting her head to meet his lips with hers. She kissed him briefly before pulling back with a smile. "You're right, we really need to talk to each other more."
"Well, we're making a good start, aren't we?" he replied, trying to pull her back in for another kiss.
"We're not done yet," she warned him. "I want to set some ground rules for us. But maybe tomorrow," she said before finally giving in and leaning into his embrace.