Happiness Kills
Chapter 1: Given an Inch, Taking a Mile.
A dull hum of conversations and a feeling of complete and utter boredom were all that he could sense. With his eyes closed, the constant noises seemed to blend into each other, creating a strange atmosphere for the boy. He couldn't bring himself to care, an attribute he knew that he had gained from his father, who was quite proud that his young son has taken after himself. The child had been sitting like this for an hour, an hour which felt like an eternity to the young boy. He had always hated the stuffy monotony of diplomatic meetings. It was necessary, unfortunately, for all clan heirs to attend these meetings. This meeting, his father had explained, was between his clan and a well-known shinobi merchant group that supplied many advantageous goods for shinobi. It was an extremely important meeting for his rather small, yet notorious clan.
He was startled from his thoughts by an unknown voice in front of him. He took a moment to listen to the voice. It was- 'Not important,' his thoughts had cut each other off. 'Troublesome,' he sighed internally, 'what do I care, what his voice sounds like?' At the continuation of the voice, he slowly opened his lids halfway, the visage in front of him, blurred.
"Ah, the young clan heir, I presume," the voice had said. "Hello, young man, it is a pleasure to meet you." At that, the young heir's eyes were now partially open. The man was old, it seemed; however, a deeper glance showed- 'Again, what do I care.' His thoughts cut off. He was aware of diplomacy; and, however boring it seemed, it was required. The heir begrudgingly opened his eyes fully and stood up, bowing lightly towards the man standing above him.
"Good afternoon, I am Nara Shikamaru, and you are?" His voice was monotone and slow, clearly conveying his boredom to those he talked to.
"I am Yamamoto Sota, thank you. It seems you are well mannered, even at such a young age Nara-san; however-," the man's voice trailed off at the end, containing an emotion Shikamaru knew well if he even cared to identify it, which he didn't. "If I may, Nara-san, I would like to offer some advice, advice that is especially useful for yourself." Shikamaru almost grumbled aloud but remembered the lecture he'd receive from his mother if he were rude.
'Troublesome,' he thought, supposing that it wouldn't be too annoying to hear advice from a learned looking man. "Sure, Yamamoto-san, I would be glad to hear what you have to say," he lied. The man sighed and smiled slightly, wrinkles forming around his mouth and eyes as he did so.
"As many of your clan have, I see you succumbing the apathy quickly, Nara-san. That motivation, the drive to even get up every day is hard for many to find, especially those who feel unchallenged by life. I can see apathy taking hold of you, even now, its tendrils reaching out and drawing you in. Its arms pulling you into the eternal numbness and void that comes with it; the endless silence." The man said slowly enunciating each word and stressing each syllable. Whatever Shikamaru expected to hear, it was not this cryptic warning.
'Is it true, what he is saying? Could I-,' but he didn't care what the man said. Shikamaru was now concerned by his contradictory psyche and had opened his mouth to speak some vague polite words of thanks to the man; he was cut off before air could even leave his lungs.
"Young Nara-san listen please. Apathy is a dangerous thing, especially to shinobi- even future ones. The further you delve into this feeling, the further you fall into a worthless existence of nothingness," the man said, the last few words being harsh and staccato. "I will give you a hint; an escape, if you will, from this apathy. Find what brings you joy." This simple sentence could not possibly be the solution to the endless void the man was describing; something so obvious. However, the man continued, elaborating on his previous statement saying, "I do not mean simply the activities that you enjoy, but the few things that bring you pure, unadulterated happiness. The things that make your entire body tingly with excitement, love, and safety; and the things that make even the genius Nara minds pause from the sheer amount of joy they bring. Then, and only after you find those things, can you escape the void that follows behind. Keep those things close to your heart, young Nara-san, pursue them and keep them safe; and you will be free."
Shikamaru's brain paused for a moment, the contradictions lost in his thought. What this man had said resonated briefly within him, just for a moment. When he looked up, intending to politely thank the man so that he could think, Yamamoto had vanished, merging with the lively crowd. 'What did he mean? Am I in trouble?' he thought nervously. The idea of being worthless and lost scared the young boy like an intangible monster would scare a civilian. He sat back again, closing his eyes to mull over the wisdom given to him by this man. The time to think never came, however, as a feeling of boredom crept into his mind, making it hard for him to grasp onto one cohesive thought for a prolonged amount of time. And then, time did as time strangely does, and flew by the Nara heir at incredible speeds. The dull murmur of conversation had lulled him into a half-conscious state and he hardly noticed much of the room beginning to empty.
He did notice, though, when his parents approached his dark corner. "Tou-san," he yawned, "is it time to go?" His father merely nodded and lifted him. Shikamaru never thought to protest the babying gesture. The meeting had been long, yet it was only midday, leaving ample time for cloud watching with his friends, Ino and Choji. He expressed this notion to his father, who laughed lightly and allowed his son to slowly walk over to the clan compounds from the rented meeting area.
The compounds were not far, yet the mere motion of just walking down the street tired the Nara heir. He breathed deeply as he walked, slumped down with his hands in his pockets. Everything about this world was a lot. The smells permeated from every restaurant and stall, it was drawn into his nose from civilians wearing potent perfumes, and it wafted off the animals that also walked down this street. The smells alone were enough to overwhelm a person, simultaneously entering his nose and firing neurons in his brain. Then there were the sounds; the talking, the laughing, the singing, the crying, and even the music. It was a cacophony of noises, both soft and loud, that refused to blend into the quiet lull as it did earlier. He covered his ears for a moment, briefly wondering what had brought this sudden awareness of his surroundings. That didn't dull the smells, though, and it certainly hadn't stopped the vibrancy of the light bouncing off many surfaces at once, barraging his eyes with colors and pictures. This world, and everyone in it, was simply too much, so he closed his eyes too. The Nara heir controlled his breathing and stood still for a moment, letting a few people bump him as they passed. He let the familiar boredom and apathy stalk into his mind, allowing it to ignore the input as he lazily strolled down the street.
Shikamaru removed his hands from his ears and opened his eyes, feeling foolish and stupid. 'No,' he thought, 'not foolish and stupid, just nothing.' He couldn't bring himself to care about the thoughts rushing through his head anymore. Shikamaru merely stared at the ground as he made the familiar path towards the Akimichi compound.
When he arrived at the compound, he walked straight in, the guards nodding towards him slightly, already used to his presence there. The walls loomed around the compound, towering over the child, and he walked quickly towards the main house, where he knew his friend would be.
"Shikamaru, hello! What brings you here today?" came the booming voice of Akimichi Chouza. The child once again was forced to look up at the looming figure.
"I've come to hang out with Choji, Chouza-san," he said in his usual bored drawl. The hulking man didn't even bat an eye as he grinned humorously.
"Of course, I'll get him in here immediately! Choji!" Shikamaru did not expect the clan head to start yelling loudly to his son who was just in the next room and jumped slightly at the noise.
'Troublesome,' he thought, grumbling slightly. Just a few seconds later, another large- though not close to as big in stature as Chouza- figure appeared grinning.
"Yes Tou-san? Oh hey, Shikamaru! What are you doing here?" he said and grinned more after he had noticed his lazy friend in the room. Shikamaru sighed as the clan head left the room, leaving the two boys to themselves.
"Do you wanna go hang out?" he asked slowly. Shikamaru knew that his friend understood the meaning of hanging out to be watching the clouds. The bigger boy grinned wider and agreed, leading the way towards their final friend's house, not before grabbing a few bags of chips to satiate his metabolism. Choji couldn't resist throwing a teasing remark at the lazy Nara before they both left, Choji grinning and laughing the whole time in his usual easy-going nature.
The walk towards the Yamanaka shop, where they assumed Ino would be was not too long yet spent in a companionable silence broken only by the crunching of food by his friend. Shikamaru still kept a firm grasp of apathy on his brain, never allowing it to wander or notice the immense number of things going on. Shikamaru would almost be relieved to finally reach the Yamanaka store after the chaos of the street if he could care. 'You can,' his mind supplied, but he didn't listen. It was too- 'troublesome,' his brain supplied. He agreed and let himself slip into the apathetic state.
"Hello, welcome to YamaHana, how can I help-," the childish sounding girl's words were cut short when the two boys walked into the shop. "Hi, Choji and Shikamaru! What are you guys doing here?" their friend asked happily. Though she was the most reluctant to be part of their group, she looked forward to seeing her friends, nonetheless.
"Hey Ino! Shikamaru wanted to hang out with us!" his bigger friend supplied, pinning it all on Shikamaru. Ino grinned at Shikamaru when Choji said this. Before answering the boys, Ino silently looked behind at her mother, who gave an approving nod of consent and went back to tidying the shop. Ino grinned wider, again staring at Shikamaru as if waiting for something.
"How troublesome. Yes, I wanted to hang out. Are you coming?" he asked in his lazy tone. His friend took no offense though and laughed at his words. She too knew what hanging out with Shikamaru entailed.
"Of course, silly!" she giggled at her friend and sweetly smiled. "Let's go watch the clouds! I have something to show you guys! Bye Kaa-san" Shikamaru and Choji looked at Ino as she raced through the door and the streets towards the grassy hills of a training ground. Sighing, Shikamaru ran after her, deciding it would be troublesome to lose her, so he kept an eye on Choji and Ino as they ran; if he was laughing with his friends the entire way, did it matter?
It's not like he cared- 'You do,' his mind rebelled momentarily. 'these are your friends-,' his brain wouldn't let the thought finish as weariness plagued him once more. The arguing in his brain was becoming very troublesome, even if it was with himself.
It was not long before they reached the hills and ran atop it. They were all panting and out of breath, and Shikamaru watched as Choji flung down onto the grass and pulled out a bag of chips. Ino and he also sat down heavily, Ino quickly pulling up some wildflowers that she recognized. "Oh!" she laughed suddenly, startling Choji and Shikamaru who had just lay down to eat chips and watch the clouds respectively. "I wanted to show you guys something! Watch this!" she demanded eagerly. Ino stood up and brushed off her dress a little before pulling her left foot up onto her right thigh, forming a triangular shape with her left leg and leaving herself balanced there on one leg, wobbling precariously.
Shikamaru had to admit that this was an impressive feat for a child their age. Her father must have been training her balance, as most children would be able to balance for a couple of seconds before toppling over entirely. After a little while of Ino giving them her proudest, brightest grin, Choji began clapping for their friend. Shikamaru joined in seconds later, and Ino put her foot down to give them dramatic bows. She flopped down again after their applause has dissolved into a three-way laughing fit.
They were all still laughing slightly, a snort coming from Choji occasionally, but eventually they quieted down into silence. Relative silence, Shikamaru supposed. There was still the sound of Choji chewing and offering each of them a chip now and then, and Ino was always humming slightly as she weaved some wildflowers into crowns for the three of them. Shikamaru was the only silent one, and, among this comforting feeling of his friends, he allowed his mind to finally drift where it wanted.
Usually, on these days, Shikamaru would gaze up at the clouds, longing for the freedom they represented. A world without responsibility or worry was the world of the clouds. A world of peace. Today, however, Shikamaru thought about Yamamoto-san's advice, the overwhelming feeling of his senses, and the argument his brain had been having all day. What had been happening in his mind today? Every day of his conscious thought had been the same, 'troublesome,' when responsibility reared its head. Today, however, it seemed that his mind could not grasp onto a cohesive thought at all; it battled relentlessly with itself, something Shikamaru was not used to. 'Could I be in danger?' he thought, scared at the notion.
'No,' his thoughts battled back, 'it doesn't matter.' There it was again, that argumentative voice. It seemed to advocate for the feeling of emptiness and boredom.
'Stop it!' he told himself. This had to end; the apathy couldn't be allowed to take hold of him.
'The responsibility seems insurmountable,' his mind argued back. That was true, Shikamaru supposed. And did it matter if he was apathetic? His father was the same way and had still become a great ninja. He was calming down further. The was no reason to suddenly change his ways. Again, it didn't matter.
'Of course, it matters,' he thought. What was he thinking? His mind battled back and forth, supplying argument after argument for and against this apathetic feeling.
'It doesn't matter. This is too troublesome,' he thought. Shikamaru sat up abruptly, startling his friends. This apathy had latched onto him, just as the man said. It was as if he couldn't truly think for himself. 'That's not true, this is me speaking,' he thought. What was happening to him? Why was he having this problem? 'I should just wait until later and ask Tou-san. It's not a big deal.' He lay back down again vaguely noticing the weird glances from his friends. 'They don't really matter anyway.' No! That couldn't be right, right? 'Relax, it doesn't matter.' His eyes drifted up towards the clouds, lazily floating, weightless and free. This was his routine. Gazing at the clouds, doing nothing, basking in the presence of his friends. He was content. He was happy.
'Am I?' he thought, and, in Nara fashion, he kept on thinking. 'The man mentioned earlier that happiness was deeper than this, right?' He had to agree with that thought. What did make him truly happy?
'How troublesome,' he thought. No. It wasn't. Again, and again, his brain contradicted him. How had he never noticed this traitorous voice in his mind? The one that time and time again had allowed him to be uncaring towards life around him, apathetic to everything around him. It didn't seem right, yet his brain kept telling him it was normal.
'What had the man said?' he thought. 'To stop this nothingness from reaching me, I need to-' he couldn't grasp onto the thought. It felt as if every time he was close to the thought, it turned to water and slipped through his grasp. The boredom was creeping back, slowing his thoughts. 'Help me. Somebody please, I can't think!' he stood up again, abruptly. Shikamaru wasn't watching his surroundings anymore, he was too focused on the chaos that was his mind. Pacing back and forth he tried to remember what the man had said. Back and forth. The terror was not far behind, creeping into his mind, making it even more difficult to grasp this thought. Back and forth. He was becoming lost. Back and forth. His family would forget him, his friends surpass him. Back and forth. He would be left behind. Back and forth, back and forth. 'I need to find something, but I can't remember,' he thought.
Happiness. The single word cut through his thoughts, ceasing them for a moment. That was what the man had said. "Find what makes you happy." Shikamaru could do that. The task wasn't too daunting. He would do anything to end this battle.
'What makes me truly happy?' he thought, quickly going through memory after memory. His first thought was purely childish yet seemed to fit. The shadows at his compound made him happy. Shikamaru could remember being even younger and watching them sway slightly in an ethereal way. He had watched them flicker in sync with the light of the candle. The shadows had comforted him when he cried for his mother, or when he awoke from an unknown night terror. The shadows fascinated him and made him shiver with excitement when they moved. It was a childish notion to think that these inanimate, almost intangible, things could bring him joy; yet he felt safe with them too. With the clouds as well. Despite the laziness they seemed to represent, he still felt peaceful and at home with them. They were safe and comforting. Still, he knew there was something important that needed to go on this list. And then he realized. It wasn't an object or a "thing" that made him happy, but the people around him that did.
With his family, of course he felt love and safety and even excitement at the prospect of seeing them after a long day. He admired them deeply, wanting to mimic them constantly, so he could act just like them. Shikamaru knew he loved them more than anything, and he was sure that they made him immeasurably happy all the time. After that revelation, he looked down and saw his friends concernedly looking up at his pacing figure. They made him happy too, these two small children. He could recall countless times already where he had laughed with them until his sides hurt, or when they had felt mischievous and hid from their parents, barely containing shrill giggles. He remembered Ino laughing at his reluctance to leave the clouds, or Choji's kind words when they argued. Shikamaru realized now that it wasn't the lack of action alone that had brought that feeling of contentment; instead it was the proximity to his friends. Shikamaru knew for sure what made him happy now, just two simple items: his family and his friends. The people he loved and cherished more than anything. More than himself. The shadows and the clouds too brought joy, but it was different.
"Shikamaru, are you okay?" a voice timidly broke through his thoughts. Choji and Ino were looking up at him, Choji's brow scrunched and his lips forming a frown, while Ino's eyes were glistening slightly. They were worried about him. Guilt immediately tore through him, for he had been thinking about what made him happy, while completely ignoring his friends.
"No, it's okay. I'm sorry. I'm fine." he quickly said to them, trying to ease their worries. "Sorry," he said again, not knowing how to make it up to them.
"That's okay Shikamaru! Now, you just have to make it up to us!" Ino said, grinning widely as if she had trapped him. An hour ago, Shikamaru would have grumbled and flopped down onto the grass. An hour ago, he would've evaded the obvious bait from Ino. Now, however, he would love nothing more than to make them happy, as they did so frequently for him.
"What a drag," he said without any previous anger. "Anything, Ino. What do you want?" he asked. Ino was surprised, and so was Choji. He could tell as they paused their movements momentarily, Ino's smile dropping slightly and her eyes widening.
"Yes!" she shouted, triumphantly punching the air. "Let's play tag!" Shikamaru just pulled Choji up, nodding his agreement to the activity. He still grumbled a bit about leaving the clouds, but Ino laughed as always and pulled him along. Before they started playing, though, he had to tell them what he'd learned. They deserved to know.
"Wait," he said, and he watched Ino frown, probably expecting him to complain about how troublesome this would be. He quickly assured her that they were still going to play, and her grin returned full-blown. "Troublesome. It's just," he said hesitantly, "I like hanging out with you guys a lot, and, well, I am happy that we are friends." Ino and Choji both took a moment to digest his words, and they started giggling madly. Shikamaru was sure that they were laughing at him until Ino spoke up again.
"Aw, I knew you loved us, Shika-kun! I guess that just makes you "it" this round," she teased before dashing down the hill away from him. Choji followed suit and laughed as he too ran downhill. Their laughs echoed across the training ground as they ran wildly, catching each other and hiding. Shikamaru was truly happy, at this moment, and he could say that without a doubt.
An hour ago, he would've been content with doing nothing. An hour ago, he would've kept his feelings hidden from his friends.
Now, he truly knew what happiness felt like. Now, he could begin his path of greatness.
Now, he was truly free.