Unsteady
A/N: See what happens when I'm stuck at home? I get bored, and I write.
This is a short prequel to episode 10x20, in which we learn that Danny's on a spring break with his kids. Here, I imagine what might have happened right before he left. Also, Steve is a giant marshmallow who needs to be hugged. I love it when he shows his insecurities and a hint of vulnerability.
"Hold
Hold on
Hold on to me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady..."
— X Ambassadors
Steve had just opened the front door when he saw it.
His lungs were still burning from the exertion, the voices of all the people he'd lost still echoed in his ears.
Didn't matter how far or how fast he ran. They were still there, taunting him, reminding him of a grief he had never really dealt with.
In an effort to silence them, he had been bolting down his driveway every morning at the crack of dawn, quickening his pace to an all-out sprint by the time he merged onto Kalaniana'ole Highway and setting a more and more grueling rhythm every time.
It was usually enough to keep the demons at bay for the rest of the day.
Until it was time to sleep.
His clothes, slick with perspiration, clung to his skin as he stepped inside, and he was looking forward to a hot shower when his gaze landed on the object sitting by the door.
A duffel bag.
Danny's duffel bag.
The heartbeat that had just slowed down started spiking again, and Steve closed the door behind him with a louder thud than he'd intended. He took a step back, bumped his head against the wooden surface and hissed as it hit the sore spot that had connected with a rock a few days before.
Had Danny mentioned moving out lately?
Not that he could recall, but he had been so engrossed in his own problems that he might have missed it.
Suddenly afraid that his friend would come into the room and see the shell-shocked, disappointed expression on his face, he quickly headed up the stairs and locked himself inside his bedroom.
It was bound to happen, he knew it. And yet his legs threatened to buckle at the mere possibility of having his parents' house all to himself now that even Junior was spending less and less time there.
He stripped down on autopilot and stepped into the shower, turning the water on high. Lips parted, he inhaled deeply, letting it beat over his abused body.
It had been months since the fake mold emergency and the real sewage problem that had kept Danny away from his home. They had occasionally touched on the subject, but neither of them was really willing to address it so they'd just buried it, pretending it was perfectly normal for the two of them to share the same roof.
And now it was all over.
Shuddering despite the heat, Steve closed his eyes and leaned against the tiles as the steamy water continued to pour down, soaking into his skin and massaging muscles that were long past cramped.
Danny had noticed that he wasn't sleeping. He'd asked about it, offered him help. Told him he was there for him. He had shrugged him off, and his reluctance to talk had probably pushed his friend to move back into his own house.
Steve sighed, biting back the sudden urge to cry or smash anything within his reach. It wasn't that he didn't trust Danny, or that he didn't want to confide in him. He was just having a hard time processing his emotions and figuring out a way to deal with them. According to his logic, he should've been able to get a grip on them by now and —if not completely healed, at least well on the way to acceptance. Instead, things were getting worse, and had started affecting his overall mood and everyday routine.
Having Danny in the house had been a powerful mood booster, and he'd naively thought that it would last for as long as he needed it.
How selfish of him to hope that his best friend would put his life on hold indefinitely.
Dark clouds hanging over his head, he absently grabbed one of the washcloths and lathered himself up, then moved under the spray to rinse. The shower lasted longer than usual, his movements slowed by the irrational fear of facing Danny and having the dreaded news confirmed.
Fifteen minutes later, after more pacing to add to his nightly routine, he came back downstairs.
Hair still damp, heart still heavy.
He glared at the bag as if it has committed a crime and needed to be incinerated to hell and made a beeline for the kitchen.
Danny was outside on the lanai, talking on the phone. Steve could hear his voice from the open window but wasn't able to discern any words, the hushed tone adding to his insecurities and fueling his subconscious' reasoning that the man was probably already making plans to claim back his life.
Willing his mind to focus on something that he could control, he opened the fridge and started to take out what he needed to cook breakfast with careful, precise movements as if he was executing a mission.
Milk.
Eggs.
Bacon.
Butter.
All perfectly arranged in a line on the kitchen island.
The coffee was already brewing, courtesy of his partner.
Steve grabbed two mugs from the drying rack and set them next to the machine, then took a skillet from one of the cupboards and put it on the burner. He heard the shuffling of feet as he started scrambling the eggs and unconsciously tensed as Danny sauntered into the room, bracing himself for the conversation that was about to start.
"Hey."
"Yo," was all he managed to voice.
Danny poured himself a cup of coffee and perched on his new favorite spot, the counter by the sink. "You're late," he noted. "Everything alright?"
"I'm making you eggs", Steve announced. As if somehow making him breakfast could convince him to stay.
"Okay. But you didn't answer my question."
"I'm fine."
Judging by the way he was beating the eggs, Danny knew that he was far from that. A look at his tense shoulders and stiff back told him there was something even more unsettling going on with his partner that morning, something he needed to figure out before he could go on with the arrangements he'd just made.
"I, uh… cleaned Junior's room while I was waiting for you," he said, hoping to start a casual conversation and then go from there. "My room, since… you know, I've been using that lately."
Steve's hand curled around the skillet's handle, gripping it in a painful squeeze.
There it was. Another sign that Danny was about to leave.
He gave him a curt nod, not even bothering to turn around because it hurt too damn much and it scared him to admit that he didn't want to be alone.
Danny huffed, annoyed at the lack of proper response. He slid off the counter and joined Steve at the stove.
"What's the matter with you, huh?" he asked as his hand reached for his friend's forearm.
"Nothing, Danny. Nothing's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong, he says. Tell that to your face, 'cause it says otherwise." Even if Steve was avoiding eye contact, he could see that he looked more tired and worn out than usual. "You sure you're not still concussed? I mean, that was a pretty hard blow you took."
"Not the hardest," Steve shrugged. He moved the spatula around, pulling the cooked edges of the eggs towards the center. "You were there. Doctor checked me out, I'm fine."
Danny frowned at the flat tone. Something was definitely off. Gone was the banter that had always defined them, the playful teasing and the mock hurt after his jokes.
He moved away from the stove, grabbed two plates and placed them on the kitchen island. It reminded him of the plate he had left on the coffee table the night before, so he excused himself and went into the living room to retrieve it.
Steve's shoulders sagged as soon as he found himself alone, and he let out a long breath.
He was trying, he really was, but he couldn't fake light-heartedness when all he felt was misery. It wasn't fair and he knew it. Danny had done more than enough for him, more than anyone else had ever done for him. Plus, it was not like he was going to disappear completely.
He sighed, checking the eggs with the spatula. They were ready. Perfectly cooked despite all the thoughts running through his brain: a little burned but still fluffy, just how his friend liked them.
"Breakfast's ready," he called out as he turned off the heat and fixed both plates.
"Coming," Danny replied from the other room. He bumped his shin against the edge of the coffee table and cursed out loud, grabbing the arm of the couch for support. His gaze fell on the bag he'd left on the floor and suddenly, everything became clear and he knew with absolute certainty what had set Steve off.
A smile tugged at his lips and he shook his head at the absurdity of his partner's thinking. It swelled into a grin by the time he made it back to the kitchen, which of course made Steve frown in confusion.
"Why are you smiling?" he asked, offering him one of the plates.
"I'm not," Danny tried. "I'm just… you're a goof, you know that?"
"What?"
"I'm not moving out, Steve," he said softly, looking at him straight in the eyes so that his friend could see that he meant it. "I'm just going to spend some time with my kids. Grace's back from college, Charlie's off from school for a few days, so I'm gonna take advantage of that and spoil my kids rotten. You know, do something nice as a family."
Steve almost chocked on the forkful of eggs he had just put in his mouth. He managed to recover just before he spit everything out and swallowed the food down.
Spring break.
Of course.
He gave Danny a slight nod and ducked his head, trying to crack a smile so that he wouldn't look like the idiot that he was.
"I'll be back in three days. And when I do, you and I are going to do some nice talking. I need to know what's going on inside that head of yours, alright?"
"Y-yeah..." Steve stammered, still reeling from the news that Danny wasn't leaving the house.
Wasn't leaving him.
He wanted to smack himself upside the head for panicking over nothing but truth was, he couldn't help it. Life hadn't been kind to him, and the only person that was left standing was the one he knew he couldn't live without. Danny was his anchor, and he was clinging onto him for dear life so that the storm that had destroyed everything else wouldn't sweep him away.
Unable to stand still, he put his plate down and went over to the counter to get himself some coffee. Danny was still looking at him with a fond expression, his heart breaking at the thought of how deep his friend's suffering really was if it had caused him to react like that to the possibility of him moving just a few miles away.
Then his phone rang.
Danny's face lit up.
Perfect timing.
"It's for you," he said, handing Steve the device.
"Me?"
"Yeah, you. Take it."
Steve narrowed his eyes at him in suspicion before focusing on the caller ID.
Doubt turned into surprise, which quickly morphed into delight as he accepted the call and put the phone to his ear. "Gracie?"
Danny smiled, gave him a 'what am I gonna do with you' gesture.
Mission accomplished.
While his daughter entertained his partner with a proficiency that was only surprising to non-members of the Williams family, he ate the rest of his breakfast and left the two of them to talk to go finish what he'd started.
Steve found him in the living room a while later. Mood completely changed by Danny's reassurance and Grace's phone call, he walked over to the recliner as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
A second duffel bag sitting by the coffee table caught his attention.
His duffel bag.
"What is that?" he asked.
Danny got up from the couch. His left hand reached behind his back in a furtive gesture that Steve either missed or didn't pay attention to. "That, as you have noticed, is your overnight bag, which I fully stocked with everything you might need."
"Uhm… why?"
With a shrug, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, Danny handed him a plane ticket.
"It's not for today, I know you can't miss work at the same time. It's for Saturday. The kids and I are going to the Big Island, and you're joining us for the weekend."
Steve almost did a double take.
It was Danny's time with his kids, something he'd been looking forward to for months, and he was sharing it with him?
Stunned into silence by the news, he reached out a shaky hand and took the ticket from his partner's hand.
"Danny, this is… are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. You're family, my kids love you, and it's exactly what you need."
It warmed his heart to see how little it took to make Steve happy. Things that normal people took for granted, Steve craved and cherished. Things he had always wished for, and that he'd put aside as if he didn't deserve them.
"Don't think I'm letting you off the hook, Mr. I-do-not-talk-about-my-feelings," he added. "We're still gonna have that conversation when we get back. I'm worried about you, and while I do think that this little escape is going to do you good, it won't erase the problem."
"Okay," Steve conceded.
He could do that for Danny. Put in a little effort and open up to him about his fears.
But first, he had a whole weekend to look forward to.
"So, what's on the agenda?" he asked, already welcoming the change of scenery and the opportunity to spend time with Grace and Charlie, spoiling them like any proud uncle would.
Danny grinned. "That, my friend, is a surprise. Prepare to be amazed."
Steve already was.
He'd been amazed for ten years, since the very first day their paths had crossed.
There would be more dark times ahead. Of that he was sure of, but with Danny at his side he was ready to face them.
THE END