I didn't know today would be our lastOr that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fastI'm so numb, I can't feel anymorePrayin' you'd just walk back through that door
She sat on the couch, completely numb. Her whole life had come to a halt. Everything was happening around her but she couldn't react, time stood still. Cristina had come to help out with the kids who kept asking her what was wrong. Zola didn't understand, she kept asking where daddy was and Bailey kept crying just wanting his mother but she couldn't bring herself to move.
And tell me that I was only dreamin'You're not really gone as long as I believe
She didn't want to believe he was gone, just this morning they had talked on the phone and now he was gone. How could it be? She would never feel his arms around her, or him whispering in her ear that everything would be alright and now she had two little lives to take care of and look after.
There will be another angelAround the throne tonightYour love lives on inside of meAnd I will hold on tightIt's not my place to questionOnly God knows whyI'm just jealous of the angelsAround the throne tonight
The day was a blur, never ending. All she wanted was to curl up in bed and never leave. Everyone was at her house, helping with the kids knowing she couldn't, she couldn't even bare to look at them in her state. Slowly she got up, heading up to her room leaving everyone downstairs. She locked the door behind her and climbed into bed, squeezing Derek's pillow tightly against her chest as tears flowed freely down her cheeks.
You always made my troubles feel so smallAnd you were always there to catch me when I'd fallIn a world where heroes come and goWell God just took the only one I knowSo I'll hold you as close as I canLonging for the day, when I see your face againBut until then
She closed her eyes, inhaling his scent as flashbacks ran through her head. Them meeting for the first time, the house of candles, post it wedding and so many more memories played like a film in her head. All the fights seeming trivial to her now. She wouldn't create any more memories with him, he wouldn't get to see their kids grow up, get married and have babies of their own. He was just gone, in a blink of an eye.
She clutched his pillow over her face, releasing a scream that she hoped no one heard. This hurt worse than anything she had been through and she thought that was hard to top.
God must need another angelAround the throne tonightYour love lives on inside of meAnd I will hold on tightIt's not my place to questionOnly God knows whyI'm just jealous of the angelsAround the throne tonight
She was scared to fall asleep, scared to have dreams. She couldn't bare to have dreams about him. She heard a knock at the door but ignored it hoping the person would go away but eventually she dragged herself out of bed.
"I'm sorry," Callie said holding a screaming Bailey with Zola right next to her. We tried to keep them occupied but they want you."
Meredith wiped at her face before reaching out, taking Bailey into her arms. She felt horrible she was ignoring her kids, they didn't know what was happening. They didn't know their daddy was gone and wasn't going to come back. They didn't know that their entire world had been shaken.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, trying to soothe the toddler. "Thanks, Callie."
"Are you alright?" Callie asked.
Meredith laughed bitterly. "Yeah, I'm just great. My husband died today and I'm a single mom now to three kids. Everything is just great."
"Um, Grey, I think you lost count. You have two kids." Callie said slightly confused. Meredith grew silent realizing what she had just said. She sighed, "I'm pregnant. I just found out this morning."
"Oh," Callie said. "well you know we're all here for you guys."
"Thanks, I'm gonna lay back down with them."
"That's fine, we'll be downstairs if you need anything. We all love you, Meredith."
Meredith smiled before shutting the door, she put both the kids in her bed before climbing in. Bailey crawled over and laid down on her chest as Zola laid down next to her. She absentmindedly began to stroke Bailey's hair as she held back tears.
"Mommy?" Zola's voice came from beside her.
"Yeah, baby?" Meredith whispered trying to not make it sound like she was crying.
"Talk to daddy? I wanna see daddy!" Zola exclaimed and just like that the tears came streaming down her cheeks again. She let out a breath before pulling Zola closer to her.
"We can't see daddy, Zola. Daddy's not coming home." Meredith said, she was trying to explain this the best she could to Zola who was barely three years old.
"Why? Where daddy?" Zola asked, getting upset.
"Daddy died, Zola. He's in a place we can't see him but he can see us and one day we will see him. I know this doesn't make sense right now, baby, I'm trying to explain the best I can."
"He weft us?" Zola asked.
"In a way yes, but he didn't want to Zozo, he had no choice."
"I WANT DADDY!" Zola screamed and it took everything for Meredith not to break down.
"I know Zola, I want him too more than anything. We have each other now, Bailey, you and I. We will be fine," she whispered. But she didn't believe it, she didn't know how she would survive this. Derek was the love of her life and now there was just a void. She wished she would have told him she was pregnant over the phone but she wanted to tell him in person and now she would never get the chance.
"Go to sleep Zozo, momma's got you. I'm here," she paused. "I'll always be here."
As she watched Zola drift to sleep, she closed her eyes only to see Derek's smiling face beam at her in her dreams. She cried herself to sleep dreaming of Derek still being with them, holding them and playing with them. Singing them to sleep and watching them breathe. Her heart cracked more and more as she pictured them growing old together. Remembering that now she wouldn't ever have that with him. She didn't know how she would handle it but she knew that her friends were her family and they would help her every step of the way.
Singin' hallelujahHallelujahHallelujahI'm just jealous of the angelsAround the throne tonight