"Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the Shadow..."

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Blackburn isn't usually one to watch the clock on a Friday afternoon. His job doesn't exactly lend itself to regular hours with a regular weekend or really much semblance of a regular life to look forward to on a saturday or sunday. Most days he lives and breathes for the Navy, completely at the mercy of their whim and whatever happens in the world around them and he's ok with that. He signed up for that. Knew that would be a sure cost he would have to pay, amongst many possible other ones. And in his mind getting to serve beside the men of Bravo and be a small part of the difference they make every day makes any and all sacrifices worth it in his book.

That said, he still relishes the opportunities to connect with his family or friends when the opportunities present themselves. It's harder than he would like because most of the world exists in a monday to friday kind of bubble with their free time on weekends. Between deployments, unpredictable spin ups, meetings at any and all hours, mission planning and debriefings mixed in there a neat overlap with the regular world rarely occurs.

Today though, the stars have somewhat aligned and Bravo just finished a successful op which means they are on mandatory stand down for the next 72 hours and that period just happens to coincide perfectly with a specific weekend where his family is in town for his niece's ballet recital tonight. He made no promises, learned years ago not to make ones he couldn't keep, but had been really hoping that things would work out this way and that he might be able to attend and cheer her on. Maybe go for dinner with everyone afterwards. With that goal in mind he attacked the paperwork and reporting from the last mission with a feverish intensity earlier today and got it all wrapped up and ready to submit which means he is free and clear to go home in under an hour as long as nothing pressing comes...

Knock Knock

Eric sighs, looking heavenwards in exasperation because he should have known better than to even think like that.

"Come"

He is fully expecting his CO to come through the door with what will definitely be an undesirable tasking guaranteed to spill over into his much anticipated weekend plans or herald a spin up that would derail his evening completely. Instead, he is pleasantly surprised and a lot relieved to see it's just Clay Spenser who enters.

Except as he studies the young man now standing in front of him he starts to suspect maybe he jumped the gun on that relief just a bit.

Clay shifts in place uncomfortably, hesitating to speak. He isn't quite at attention, but he's close which is concerning. His men know that's not required when it's just them. Eric gestures to the seat in front of him but gets ignored and if anything Clay straightens up further.

Spenser is normally an open book to him. For better or for worse, his body language and particularly his eyes, usually make it easy for Blackburn to assess the situation, determine what kind of storm is brewing and figure out whether its a pep talk or an ass whooping is going to be required.

The newest member of Bravo wears his heart on his sleeve almost as blatantly as Sonny does, except Blackburn suspects that years of living in his father's shadow and dealing with his crap has taught him the value of pulling it back and keeping it in control. Thank God somewhere along the line Clay learned how to play the game and toe the line when needed because Eric already has enough trouble cleaning up after a certain fiery Texan who seems to lack that ability. Eric has witnessed Clay's mask slide on and off as needed covering up real vulnerabilities with snark, or overdone indifference and arrogance. He's seen the kid push the envelope right to the limit and then shut down and shut up just shy of going too far.

He just isn't used to seeing those defenses directed at him.

He likes to think he and Clay have a good working relationship. That the kid can be honest with him, trust that Eric will listen to what he has to say, and is smart enough to realize that sometimes despite Blackburn's best efforts his hands are tied by people higher up the food chain.

He thought so anyways.

But right now Clay is standing in front of him uncharacteristically distant and guarded. The tier one operator who is normally magnetic and larger than life in most rooms looks weirdly small, like if he hunches in on himself, closes off enough, he won't even be here.

And his tell-all eyes are screaming that Blackburn isn't going to like what's coming next.

When Clay finally does speak, it comes bursting out and he looks almost as surprised as Eric is by what comes out.

"I'm leaving"

Eric blinks, flabbergasted.

"I'm sorry, you are what now?!"

He is so caught off guard that he can't help the equally blunt, reactionary response that later he won't chalk up as one of his finest leadership moments.

Clay stiffens in response to his tone, snapping automatically back into military professionalism and finding the phrasing he probably meant to use in the first place. "With permission Sir, I am requesting one year of personal leave, effective immediately."

It's clearer, and more formal, but it's still every bit as mind boggling.

Eric doesn't respond immediately, just scrubs a hand over his face tries to regain his composure. He takes a deep breath and uses it as an opportunity to study Clay again in front of him. Spenser is pale and unsure under his scrutiny and the kid looks like exactly that, a kid.

Another deep breath and then he manages to more calmly ask "Why?"

Clay was obviously expecting that question and has an answer ready almost immediately "It's been a hard last couple years. First Brian, then Adam, then Manila and Swanny. I just… I just need some time away. To do something different for a bit"

He delivers it rehearsed and monotone, with no trace of emotion or connection to what he's saying at all.

Eric has to admit when you lay it all out like that it is a lot for any one person to have dealt with. And that's not really even getting into the nitty gritty of things. For example he is well aware of the extra strain that Ash has probably added into that equation with all his maneuverings even though Clay will never cop to it. He also knows that in that last year Clay has dealt with not one but two hard break-ups, first Stella and then Rebecca.

But even with all that he's still not sure he's fully buying it because he felt like he had a good handle on what Clay Spenser was made of. Knew things were hard but the kid always seemed to bounce back and be every bit the true believer that Jason both feared and admired at the start. The "kid" of the team had very much proven himself, found a home and found his groove and was on a rapid rise as an operator. He just finished a successful stint as Bravo 2 and was awarded a bronze star with valor for his heroics when they were pinned down in Yemen earlier in the year. Between his aptitude for languages, solid sniper skills and well demonstrated tactical maneuverings, he was starting to turn heads and make quite a name for himself. Eric has had to fend off several requests for reassignment or temporary loan to other teams. But even if Clay was as inclined to look onwards and upwards as maybe his relationship with Rebecca and their brief dalliance in Washington suggests, his ambition would still be best served by going as far as he could with Bravo and the Navy first. He still has room to grow and pad his resume here first and the kid is more than smart enough to realize that.

So what else could have precipitated this sudden change? Eric knows there was a bit of an issue not too far back when they brought on the new team member for Bravo. Jason had mentioned something about Clay getting his feathers ruffled over the pick of Vic. He hadn't got his way on the team selection and had his nose out of joint about it. From what Eric saw it led to a bit of middle child syndrome with Clay pushing more boundaries, taking more risks than normal, searching for his new place now that he wasn't the new guy anymore. It had unfortunately gotten resolved mostly on its own with all that nastiness over Dr. Craig's death and Vic's removal from the team. He had assumed any residual issues would be worked through in time. He trusted Jason, and even more so Ray, to find a way to smooth things over and get everybody back on the same page.

He certainly wasn't expecting this.

Finally when he can't stall any longer he simply asks Clay "You sure this is what you want?"

Clay bites his lip and gives a quick jerky nod.

Its probably a dumb question seeing as Spenser is standing here asking for it and yet for some reason he can't help but think that if he asks enough questions, gives him enough time they can get to the root of whatever this is and solve it.

"Have you talked to anyone on the team about this? With Jason? or Ray?"

"No."

"Clay…" he pauses trying to figure out how to say this properly "Is there something going on in the team that I don't know about? There are transfer options available if that would make a difference."

"No!" That response comes back immediately and has some heat to it.

For the first time Clay's voice shows some emotion when he follows up firmly with "I don't want to leave Bravo."

It's also the first time Eric believes a damn thing that's come out of his mouth.

The problem is that realization leaves him even more stumped. So if he doesn't want to leave Bravo…Blackburn waits Clay out, hoping he will add something more. Give him something more to go on but the kid doesn't bite. He remains silent and on guard, as if he is wary of where Eric might go with his probing next.

Blackburn sees that, but can't help trying one more time. It's not that he doesn't want to grant the request if it's really necessary, he just genuinely wants to understand. And he wants to make sure more help isn't necessary and that they aren't letting Clay walk away when they are missing something important like they did with Swanny.

"Is there anything I can do? How about if we set you up with a counselor? Just talk to someone before you make a big decision like this and then if you are still certain that it's what you want…"

Apparently it's one step too far. Clay's face hardens and he pushes back, interrupting Blackburn's question with one of his own " Am I approved or not? I've done my obligatory time. I can opt out and be done permanently if I need to. But I don't want that. I just… I just need a year."

There's a hint of desperation in that last bit that Eric doesn't understand. He also questions whether Clay even actually believes that timeline. He certainly doesn't. He's getting the strong feeling that if he lets the kid go now he may never get him back. Then again it's pretty apparent that if he doesn't approve the year he's going to lose the young man permanently anyways. Clay's masterfully gone all in and left him two unappealing options meaning there really is no winning here.

Finally after a long hard second, Eric gives in.

"I'll put the paperwork in today, you are approved for a one year absence, effective immediately"

Clay gives a short nod and turns to leave.

"Clay…"

Spenser pauses, hesitates in place, but doesn't turn back around.

"If there's anything I can help you with, at any time. Just say the word. My door is always open to you."

Clay gives no response to that except to finish leaving.

The door swings firmly shut behind him in what feels like a clear answer all on its own, one hell of an ominous one at that.

Eric sits for a long time just staring at his door wondering what the fuck just happened. Waiting for the moment Clay is going to walk back in through it and say "gotcha!" in some sort of elaborate but not funny prank he cooked up with Sonny.

Spenser doesn't return though and it's long past the time Blackburn was supposed to leave for dinner and he still hasn't come up with any good explanation for what just happened. All he is sure of is that his gut is telling him Special Warfare Operator First Class Clay Spenser won't be walking back through those doors any time soon, or maybe ever.

With a heavy sigh, he decides he can't delay the inevitable any longer and picks up the phone to call Jason with a grimace.

Yeah, this is going to go well.

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There we go another one is off and running.

All quotes at the start of chapters are from T.S. Eliot's "The hollow men". Title was obviously inspired by that as well.

First couple chapters are done so will try to post fairly regularly on what promises to be another long one. Somehow I think I will have lots of downtime to keep working on it in the next few weeks :( Hope everyone is staying safe.