Elphaba Thropp has never understood the word Love.
She has been asked to define what it was three years ago, in one of the Philosophy classes she took in Shiz. The smart, green girl defined it as "a hormonal reaction" rather than an emotion a human being can feel. Her classmates have, of course, disagreed. As she sat on her seat at the front row, she looked around. For the first time, the eyes that are staring at her doesn't scream hatred. Instead, she is met with one of the few emotions she knows well. Pity.
She has read about it several times in the romance novels Glinda hides in an old pink shoebox under her bed (Oz forbid that Glinda finds out that her roommate has taken a liking to her books. Not that Glinda would mind, the blonde girl has been nagging her friend for months to read at least one of them). But what was said in the books are only a matter of fiction. A literary work created to satisfy the needs of its readers to a happy ending.
In those books, it was always the pretty girl who would end up with the handsome guy. The perfect, distraught princess will always be saved by the pretty prince from a faraway land. In those books, the two lead characters will go through the chasms of hell for one another, never minding the face of death. Then they will ride off on a steady horse, kissing as the sun sets in the horizon.
Not that Elphaba would actually believe that fairy tales do come true. Sure, she's distraught, distressed, disoriented, in many ways at once, but she never needed a prince, or a handsome lad to save her. Not to mention that she is far from the beautiful, perfect, gracious female protagonists she once read about.
Sometimes, Elphaba Thropp wonders if she has ever felt it.
She thinks about her mother. Melena Thropp. She doesn't remember much, but as she stares back at the pictures her father set up above the fireplace, she is engulfed with a foreign feeling. If it's love or longing, she does not know completely. All she knows is that her heart aches whenever she clutches the infamous green bottle near her chest.
She thinks about her sweet little sister, Nessarose Thropp. If it wasn't for her, she would have run away a long time ago. If it wasn't for her pleas to their father, she would've been starving. She would have no clothes on her back, or a roof on her head. But she wonders if this is only because Nessa needs her to take care of her. Elphaba was fully aware that after Shiz, her double degree in Sorcery and Life Sciences would go to waste. It is her lifelong duty to take care of her sister. An aide to the future Governess of Munchkinland. Who would ever think that a mansion as big and spacious as theirs would be a prison for Elphaba?
Maybe she was overthinking it. Her sister is a part of the reason she's still alive after all. But Elphaba knows that her sister needs her more than she loves her.
She thinks about the Animals she had saved in her three years of being a fugitive. The small Cubs and Tigers she taught to speak again. The Lions and Goats she has helped to find their voices again. The small, hidden villages and communities she helped rebuild despite not knowing a single thing about carpentry. She reckons that she loves them. After all, they are the reason why she chose to become a fugitive. Fighting for the rights of the oppressed has been her sole priority for the past three years.
What kept her going was the little triumphs the Animals have. When they finally are able to utter their first word again, or when they are able to read the children's book she has brought to their village. She smiles proudly at the Animals around her. They love her just as much as she loves them.
But sometimes, she still finds herself thinking: is it love or empathy?
She disregards it. There are more pressing matters that she needs to face right now.
Elphaba Thropp, however, is not blind. She believes she has seen love.
She has seen it on the night she became friends with Glinda and Fiyero. The dance around her continued as she backed away from the center of the crowd, letting them have their fun. She has seen it from across the corner of the darkened room. Fiyero held Glinda so dearly, she looked like she was a fragile glass, about to break if Fiyero's touches would leave the small of her back. She has seen it the moment the prince's head dipped down to kiss the blonde girl. It was an intimate moment no one should be able to experience save them. So, she looks away, heading off to where her sister is.
She has seen it as her sister's voice filled the room with her giddy laughter. Boq has just told her a joke. It was a warm afternoon at Shiz. At times like this, Elphaba spends the day studying under a tree in Suicide Canal. Elphaba looked to where the high pitched laugh came from and saw Nessa, with a sweet smile on her face, staring lovingly at the Munchkin boy. She was sure that if their father finds out about Nessa and her beau, he will protest against it. She was, after all, their father's girl. Elphaba decides not to overthink it. What matters most is her sister's happiness.
There are times when she reads the word love, she thinks of Fiyero.
She remembers the first she held Fiyero's hand. It was a moment of vulnerability after a heated argument. She knows nothing was going on when Fiyero grabbed the Lion Cub's cage and ran away from class. But she knew that if her heart and stomach could sink, she felt it when she saw Fiyero turning his heels away from her. And so, she did what everyone, including herself, was impossible. Elphaba seized for Fiyero's hand. Her heart beat.
After that incident, Fiyero embarked on a journey to befriend Elphaba, no matter how much she protested against it. The green girl, however, tried to avoid the Vinkun Prince as much as possible. The moment they shared was a fluke. He was her best friend's boyfriend after all! She feels the crashing guilt every time she finds herself smiling at that 5-minute event of vulnerability. She finds herself wanting to punish herself every time her heart leaps at the memory of Fiyero softly cradling her rough, scar-filled hand.
Amid her thoughts and efforts to shy away from Fiyero, she gives in. Another friend wouldn't hurt anyone, right?
If tattoos are to be etched on her skin whenever Fiyero touches her, her emerald skin would be filled with them. On her shoulders, on the small of her back, on her waist. Elphaba hates being touched. But Fiyero always finds a way to be physically close to her.
A scar long tattoo would have been inked on the crook of her neck when his fingers lightly touched her shoulders as he moved the curtain of raven black hair away from her face. A hand print shaped tattoo would have been etched at the small of her back when he touched her when he introduced Elphaba to the King and Queen of Vinkus. The King paid her a compliment, but she was sure that the heat she felt wasn't from the King's statement; she was fully aware it was because of the hand on her back.
Elphaba hardly believes that it was love she felt the moment she saw Fiyero running to the train station with a bunch of poppies on his right hand. He asked what her favorite kind of flowers were, two days before she left for Emerald City. She never thought about it before, knowing well that she would be the Wizard's Grand Vizier before she'd receive a bouquet of freshly picked flowers.
Unwittingly, she replied, "Poppies." Fiyero ran off after that.
He gave her the flowers, the darkened pink petals just shy of being a deep red color. The stems were carefully tied with a green ribbon. A card with the message "Good luck, Fae!" in his sloppy handwriting hangs at the end of it. Her resounding "Thank you," was all he needed as he gave her that famous lopsided grin that can bring Elphaba Thropp, a woman who does not believe in the atrocities of love, to her knees.
Her heart leaps again.
Elphaba Thropp knows that she is emotionally unable to love another person. Not when her focus should be on lifting the Animal banns. Not when the Animals and Resistance are counting on her to fight for Animal rights. There simply wasn't enough time for her. There simply wasn't enough space on her head to think about anything but her advocacies.
She reckons that her heart stopped beating a long time ago, causing her to become numb and emotionless. Yet, the jagged, little bastard decides to betray her as it started to beat again when she sees a man in green uniform. Elphaba was near the Emerald City, tending to a lost Cub, when she decided to take a quick detour. The night has fallen, and she wouldn't be seen with her black dress and cloak. She hid in the Quoxwood trees near the Palace, hoping to catch a glimpse of her best friend and Fiyero.
Her breath hitched as she found exactly what she was looking for. Fiyero stood there, looking older, wiser, and Oz forbid, more handsome. And so, she started to visit the forest near the Palace every few weeks, hoping to be a part of their lives once more, even if it was at a distance. Elphaba knew it was dangerous. She was risking her life for a school-girl crush. She was risking her advocacy for a chance to see the life her old friends have made without her. It was a poison that she couldn't stop taking.
Elphaba Thropp has never understood Love.
More especially as the witch heard Fiyero firmly said, "I'm coming with her." Conversations ensued around her, but she only heard his voice ringing in her ears. She didn't even notice that her hand was being pulled by the Captain of the Guard.
He led her through a series of corridors. Ones she wasn't familiar with, even after all the maps of the Palace the Resistance gave her. She was unable think clearly, consumed with the fact that the man she loves (Is this even love? This is merely a deep infatuation that has traveled through the years.) is here, cradling her hand as he once did, four years ago.
Fiyero stopped at a landscape painting of Munchkinland. "Here we are," He moved the painting a little bit to the right, and a door leading to a tunnel is revealed. "This tunnel leads to the forest near the Palace." He took supplies from a box near the door and revealed a lamp. The small fire engulfed the both of them, illuminating the faces of the two people who spent the past three years running to and from each other.
She pulled away from his hand and clutched tightly to her bag, "You can go back to the ball, Fiyero. You've done enough. Congratulotions on your engagement." She refused to meet his eyes.
He lifted Elphaba's chin with two fingers, "Did you not hear what I said?"
She gulped. "I heard you. That was all I heard."
"Let's go, then. We can't stop. I know the Palace at the back of my hand, but even my new guards can find us if we don't run."
"Fiyero—" His blue, diamond eyes finally met hers, "You can't run away with me. You have a life here. You're the Captain of the Guard! What are you even doing here with me? You should be arresting me for all I—"
He stopped her rambling, "I love you, Fae."
And now here she was, dumbfounded, unable to believe how a four-letter word can force a beautiful, successful man to run away with the country's most notorious criminal. How love can render even the greatest communicator in Oz speechless. How love can bring the strongest men to his knees.
"You'll regret this," Elphaba whispered to Fiyero as he held on her tightly during their flight. His temples rested on the crook of her neck.
He breathed, "I won't. I've waited for years for you, Elphaba."
"You will. Once you realize that you have thrown your life away for nothing!" She stirred her broom to the left, a mountain of forests in sight. "When you realize how much Glin—" She cursed. "Glinda! Have you ever thought how much Glinda will be hurt?! Have you not thought about her at all?"
His grip on her waist tightened. "Of course, I have!"
"Then why are you here with me?" She demanded.
He chuckled, "I love you, Elphaba. To hell with the consequences. Focus on that."
Fiyero said it as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Her thoughts fall apart as her mind drifts to her best friend, who is probably crying her heart out in her room. Then to the Wizard, who just found out that his most trusted Captain chose to run away with the person he spent the three years looking for. Then to the King and Queen of the Vinkus who will be heart broken when they realize that their son and the crown prince of the Vinkus decided to abdicate the throne because of a woman he isn't even dating to begin with.
"You're awfully silent," he nudged.
"Just thinking." She replied.
"Always thinking," he amusingly said.
She lowered her broom to a clearing, deeming it safe to stay for the night. "This. You. Us?"
How can she not think about them? Fiyero claims for a future waiting for them. Elphaba thought otherwise. The moment she fled the Palace and became a fugitive, she stopped thinking of the future. The future is nothing but an uncertainty.
She had imagined herself locked down in Southstairs. She imagined herself wounded after a bullet passes through her limbs after an encounter with the Gale Force. She even imagined herself hanging on a pole in the middle of a field of corn in her hometown. She imagined different versions of her being shot, wounded, and arrested. Elphaba even believed that she'd die even before the Animal rights are restored.
But this. She never imagined this. Fiyero Tiggular, in all his might, running away with her. She thinks it is because of his "Dancing Through Life" philosophy that he used as an excuse in Shiz every time he wants to ditch their study session together. But this is not Shiz. Instead of love, she is filled with fear.
What if he is arrested?
This is treason to the Wizard, punishable by death.
What if this is just a ploy to catch me?
Surely, they must have thought of luring my friends to ensnare me.
What if I lose him?
All her fears were trumped by this one. But as he tugged her down to lie with him at the clearing, all her thoughts were replaced by the man in front of her.
Is this love?
Love was never an option for her. As a child, she was led to believe that the reason her mother died was because of her. She was led to believe that she was repelling all the luck for her family. She was led to believe that because of her green skin, she was an abomination to the entirety of Oz. She was led to believe that no one could ever love her because of her atrocities.
So, she believed that what she felt for Fiyero was anything but love. Amusement. Infatuation. Appreciation. Devotion, maybe. Never love. She cannot, after all, give what she does not have. But here, in the arms of her beloved, she finds that it doesn't matter if she can not name whatever she feels for him yet.
Elphaba Thropp has never understood the word Love.
And maybe it really is that way. It is impossible to encapsulate what she feels for Fiyero in a four-letter abstract of a word. Love is a concept that even the greatest philosophers aren't able to fully grasp. She may not understand it, but she knows that whatever she feels for the man beside her is, it's love.
The silence between them was deafening. And yet, it was filled with anticipation.
"Fiyero?" Her voice was so small, she wasn't even sure he heard her.
He looked down on the girl on his chest, "Hmm?"
She gave him a weak smile, "I love you."