Who did I want to be?
Well, certainly not the person I was right now.
Usually, I felt pretty good about the way I am. There was nothing not to like, I was handsome, young, rich and charismatic. I wasn't good, though, good in the way you hear on the phrase 'good samaritan'.
I never thought it to be something bad, in fact, I took a deal of pride on it, but I then realized I was also not liked because of it. I wasn't respected. Not like Emily was.
This is what all boils down to, right? The heart of my problem, Emily Harper, the girl who had made it impossible even to appreciate the person I currently was. I hated myself because of her.
What's worse was I couldn't even bring myself to drown my sorrows in the sweet high of the combination between drugs, alcohol and adrenaline I had been using for so long to fight the ennui.
The mere thought of it disgusted me.
On a second thought, that was what all boils down to, after all. If I wasn't feeling bored about life itself, I wouldn't have joined Alpha Theta Mu, and by not joining, I wouldn't take part on that stupid 'inner-circle challenge' for the presidency. I wouldn't have crashed into Tyler's car and I wouldn't even have met Emily in the first place.
So I had nothing better to do than sit there and look at some stupid picture of me and a trashy hunk of metal 99-percenters call a car. A blasted piece of damning evidence Beau and Kassidy held to my head that could single-handedly ruin my life.
In that moment, I think about how I managed to mess just about every good thing in my life up. I was perfectly happy with my life before she barged in, screwed up as it was. I feel like I could hate her for it, to hold her responsible for the loss of my peace of mind. To demand a derestrict return to the status quo.
However, the fact is, I didn't want that life back.
Somewhere between all of her concerns about her friends and family, I had started to feel guilty about how I had shut the people in my life out. I don't think I had spoken to either of my parents in at least two months.
Nathan, Snr and Lois Sterling were awful people, I can't deny, but my father cares marginally about me.
He used to take interest on my academic life back in the day I attended preparatory academies, and he does still send emails asking me about my life. Even if I don't respond to them.
He still talked to me during whatever meal we shared. Sure, most of the time it was just uncomfortable small talk about the weather or he was just informing me that he and my mother would be going away somewhere or another, but I realized he did care. Somewhat.
When Emily told me about her home life, that disgusting notion of ma-and-pa, dog and white picket fence, I admit I felt jealous. There wasn't nothing wrong with that girl, I couldn't identify anything that made her less of a porcelain doll, loved and adored by all, and more of a flawed human like the rest of us.
That rage fuelled my decision to destroy it all, to hit her and make her bleed, just to prove to the world that yes, Emily Harper was a human being like the rest of us. I wanted to see her cry.
That feeling, that reasoning, dictated every action I took so far that pertained her or any of her friends. Turns out, I was approaching the problem the wrong way. I wasn't supposed to destroy it, I should feel inspired to make something out of myself. That was the beauty of it, that it was what other people saw in her, what I couldn't see until just now.
So, we return to the million-dollar question: who did I want to be?
A guy who could muster up the courage to speak to his father for the first time in months, for one. I would also like to stop my destructive behaviour and find healthier ways to occupy my time. Well, no problem there for the moment, like I said, the mere thought of it seemed disgusting to me now.
I should probably work on getting myself some decent friends too, because I was pretty sure I hadn't any left. If I ever had one. I only ever hung out with the Alphas. I had been doing that for a while, I guess.
Yet another thing that changed when I met Emily. She made me want so much more than what the likes of Beau offered, and helped me realize that I didn't belong with those people. I was so sick and tired of pretending to be as superficial as they were.
I'm not sure where was exactly my place, because I'm sure I also didn't belong with the majority of the students at Hartfeld. Most of Emily's friends were her suitemates on her freshman year, and that propelled me to remember what kind of people were mine.
There was this football player, I remember well. The two of us weren't friends, per se, but we were amicable. Perhaps because we recognized each other as horrible people? We did manipulate one of the girls that lived with us to assume all domestic work. Back in school, I was no better, I had that Sex God thing going on for me and I took more advantage than I should.
So where did I belong?
As cliché as it may sound, I want to say with Emily. Because she was the only person I ever felt connected to. So connected I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Nothing was going to stop me from going after that girl.
Except I screwed it all up.
That's probably the thing I wanted to be most of all, someone worthy of Emily. Clearly, I wasn't. I just brought her into my messed up world and let her destroy herself in the process. I cannot believe I was that much of a jerk. What was I supposed to do about it now?
For starters, it might help if I, instead of just sitting there, whining about everything I did wrong, I just go out there and try to mend the burnt bridges. It wasn't going to magically fix everything but I owed myself to at least try.
Not about to lose the momentum of my decisiveness, and not to think about all the ways it could go horribly wrong, I marched haughtily across campus to her apartment building.
Shortly, I was standing in front of the number 20, sweating out of nerves like a kid on a spelling bee. Mustering up all of the courage I had left, I knocked three times, not more, not less on Emily's door.
I was secretly hoping Zack was the one to open the door and send me away before I could do any more damage than I had already done. He would probably rather kill me with a kitchen knife than let me talk to his beloved roommate.
My petty hopes were dashed when Emily opened the door herself. Or not, really, since as soon as she realized it was me, she then slammed it right back in my face.
I guess I should have expected her to do something like that. God knows I deserve it.
I just knocked on the door again, because what else was there to be done? I was going to argue my case, and I did it by saying, "Emily, please open the door. I'd like to apologize."
I was rather surprised she opened the door after that, I had expected her to ignore me much longer than that. Perhaps she would prefer to see me squirm, instead of just listening to it, or to avoid a scandal with her neighbours. Or even because she was afraid I would go public with that video of Beau's.
Be as it may, she opened and she was about to speak. "Well, by all means, go for it." She bit at me.
Not that much of a good start, but at least we're talking, right?
"I'm extremely sorry about what I did." I said, throwing the best lost puppy look I could muster. "I'm sorry I led you on a stupid treasure hunt, I'm sorry for letting the Alphas do what they did to you…"
I could not finish my apology before she cut me off. "Speaking of that band of sociopaths of yours, why don't you just go back to them?" She said as she slammed the door in my face again.
She should not try to underestimate my intelligence, though, as this time however, I was prepared and my foot prevented the door from closing completely. Therefore, she had no choice but to look at me while I said, "I'm quitting Alpha Theta Mu." When she didn't respond, I added, "I'm sorry I got you into that mess. I'm sorry I crashed into Tyler, I'm sorry for all the things I did to your friends. I'm so unbelievably sorry for what you lost because of me."
She looked at me for a long time and finally she asked me in a low voice, as if she was afraid to hear the answer. "Why did you sleep with me? Why did you even date me? You could've distracted me with something else, with anything else. This was beyond cruel. I thought we were more than that."
Say what you want, but Emily Harper knew how to, and wasn't afraid of, going straight to the neck. I could have said it was the Alphas, or because she was there for the taking or something else but I decided against that and told her the truth, knowing it probably wasn't going to do me any good.
"We were more than that." I admit. "I've never had feelings for someone like I have for you. I swear."
She looked at me in confusion and asked the inevitable question, why did I do it, then?
"I had heard of you before we met at that fundraiser. Everybody did, thanks to that ridiculous award Powell got you." I couldn't help but let some of my bitterness arise at that sentence. "You were perfect, Emily. You were loved and adored by all, and it annoyed me beyond anything I can say."
She scoffed like she thought I was an idiot. I really was, so I guess I can't fault her for it.
"I'm not perfect." She said, pointing out the obvious. "I never thought so, and I never said so."
I sighed. "Indeed, you never did, but everyone thought you were Jesus second coming. It was tiring, especially for someone like me. I wanted to be perfect, and above it all, I wanted to be loved. No one ever cared for me, you know? My parents are dicks, I never had friends like yours. I wanted your life for myself, and if I couldn't get it, I would destroy it.
"The thing is," I continued. "I came to find out there was a reason why you were so beloved, and why everybody just kind of stuck up with me to get something out of me. I am just a petty, spoiled monster with way too much time and money in my hands, while you… You might not be perfect, but you're legitimately nice, you seemed to care about me. I guess I started to like somewhere along the line. That's why I slept with you."
"I did care about you, Nathan." She said, earnest. "Why didn't you stop it all? Why didn't you just came clean instead of forcing me to find out on my own?"
"You were obviously never going to forgive me anyway." I shrugged, trying to conceal the pain I felt over it. "It didn't really matter, anyways, I had already hit Tyler's car, the record was already ruined, Davenport was already eliminated from her graduate program. I didn't think it would do any good."
"So why are you here then?" Emily points out.
"I'm here because I'm trying to be a better person." I admitted, with my own dose of earnestness. "I just wanted to apologize for what I did to you. It wasn't right. I know peer pressure and jealousy are lame excuses but I don't know what else to say. I swear to you, that wasn't me. I am a better person than that. I just have to start living in the real world again. I'm sorry. I really am."
"Well, you were wrong." She says, with a glint of something on her eye, I couldn't tell if it was rage or sadness. Perhaps both. "You were wrong to think you shouldn't have come clean. Have you ever considered that maybe there's a reason I kept all those secrets from my friends? Even when I could see they were suffering for it?"
"I just assumed it was because you didn't want to tip Beau off, like I told you." I said, trying to avoid looking into her eyes.
"No. I did it because I thought it was important to you, too. That I was protecting you." She says, and I could almost feel the accusing finger on my chest. "I felt this pull towards you as if we had a deeper connection I couldn't run from. I wanted a relationship like that. I didn't care if I had to ruin my life for you, I did it without question. I ruined all my friends' lives because I was protecting you."
"And you have no idea how much I regret that. If I could go back and change it, I would." I said, meaning every word.
She sighed, deeply. "I believe you."
I smiled and raised my eyes to meet hers. "So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying our timing was bad." Emily breathed out, weary. "We shouldn't have been together in the first place. Not like that. Neither of us were ready to have the relationship we should have had."
"So you forgive me?" I tentatively ask.
"No." She says firmly, and my heart feels like it's being twisted. "But I will give you the chance to earn it. You'll go to the Dean's office and say everything you've done and you're going to accept whatever punishment he deems fit gracefully. You'll also going to apologise to all my friends. Then, and only then, I'll forgive you."
I was probably grinning like a retard. I could do that, I certainly could, it was within my reach, and then Emily would forgive me.
"Good." I nodded, smiling. "Because I love you. I'm going to do whatever it takes to win you back. We may not have been ready for it then, but we are now. I'm going to fight for you."
"You want to win me back? Be less of a dick this time."
As she whispered those last words, she stepped onto the hallway and crashed her lips into mine. I definitely wasn't expecting that but having her in my arms again was the best feeling in the world.
I would never let her go again.
I kissed her as if she was the last breath I would ever breathe.