[Posted: November 18, 2019]

Some angst, some presumed one-sided love, and a mildly unhealthy relationship that could be so good if they just talked to each other about their feelings.

NOTICE: As of January 14, 2020, this part and First Time Loving You have received some important edits that affect the timeline of the Memories series. Please keep that in mind if you've read those parts prior to January 14, 2020!

Warnings: Nationverse. Angst. Pining. One-Sided Attraction. Sexual Content

It was fifteen minutes past seven-o'clock in the evening and dark outside, and Ivan was sat at the table with two plates of untouched food served and ready to be eaten. Gilbert was supposed to join him at seven for dinner as Ivan requested but he hadn't shown up yet and Ivan was impatient and sad as the minutes passed. He managed to wait another five minutes before he got up and left the room to search for Gilbert.

Making his way to Gilbert's office, Ivan moved quicker than his usual gait, although that fact was unrealized by him. Once he reached Gilbert's office—an old bedroom converted to a study—he stood before it and knocked a few times. When he didn't get a response after a few seconds, he opened the door and peeked in.

The room was warm and the light was still on which gave it a soft yellow glow. Taking a glance around he saw the desk covered in papers, scattered around in a manner uncharacteristic to Gilbert; although maybe it was accurate now, as Gilbert had not been himself for years.

On the couch that lined one side of the room was Gilbert, laying along the length of it with one arm above his head resting against a red fabric pillow. Unmoving and seemingly asleep.

Ivan walked up beside the couch quietly and watched him. The man was sound asleep and didn't hear Ivan enter or approach. As he watched Gilbert's sleeping face his mind began to wander. Gilbert didn't show much emotion anymore and hated looking weak; he'd occasionally yell at Ivan over various things or in a bout of rage, but Ivan knew it wasn't directed at him, even though it still hurt. He felt for Gilbert and all that he'd been through, as a lot of it he was there for and saw first hand.

This man who Ivan had developed feelings for over the years, from the 1700s when Gilbert was the most handsome soldier he'd ever seen, when he fought by his side as his ally was one of Ivan's happiness times, and the night they danced together in front of all those nobles was still a memory that Ivan cherished and revisited in his mind every so often. He knew Gilbert didn't feel the same emotion that he did, especially with everything that had happened since those days; Gilbert wasn't the same man on the surface anymore but Ivan knew that deep down, he was still Gilbert and despite everything, Ivan still loved him. It took a long time for Ivan to realize how much he truly loved Gilbert, and much to his embarrassment and shame, he only realized it after sleeping with him for years.

He knew that their sexual relationship was out of necessity and stress relief rather than love, but Ivan wanted it to be so much more; he hated treating Gilbert like nothing more than a warm body to relieve himself with, and wondered if Gilbert saw him as a monster or just a way to make himself forget for a short period. He wanted to treat Gilbert with the love and gentle care that he'd never expect from Ivan, the love that he felt deeply for him. They were familiar with each other's bodies and that was one excuse they used for why they slept together. Years ago they threw caution to the wind and shared a bed, but back then it was different — it was a one-night-stand that meant nothing to them, or so they pretended. Now, the sex was quick and not romantic at all, solely for the purpose of forgetting the world around them and to get lost in each other. He knew it hurt even though Gilbert was usually the one who initiated it and was more dominant about it, but since Gilbert came back to him and they fell into each other's arms again, Ivan had tried his best to make Gilbert comfortable, make him feel wanted, and gradually their sex had become more that of lovers. They had an unspoken agreement to rely on each other to feel good and knew how to achieve that for each other.

As Ivan stepped over to him, he saw how peaceful Gilbert looked as he breathed in and out slowly. Ivan had noticed that the only time Gilbert truly looked calm was when he was asleep, and he had seen it many times. It had become more of a frequent occurrence over the years that Gilbert would sometimes fall asleep in Ivan's bed after sex. Ivan always thought that he looked so sweet during his sleep and often wondered what he dreamt of or if he dreamt at all.

Ivan stared closely and watched Gilbert's slightly parted lips as he breathed, how his chest rose and fell, and how his eyelashes lightly kissed his cheeks. Then, Ivan glanced around and eyed a small throw blanket, grabbed it, then gently draped it over Gilbert's body to keep him warm. As Ivan tucked the blanket to his body, Gilbert suddenly grunted and his eyes fluttered open. Ivan, startled, moved backward.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Ivan said and leaned back some.

"Wait," Gilbert muttered as he sat up. "What do you want?" he asked as he scratched his messy hair.

"Oh, um," Ivan stuttered. "It's nothing," he lied. Gilbert put his full attention on Ivan and his eyes narrowed softly.

"You wanna do it again?" he asked despite them having sex that very morning. Ivan's expression turned a bit more neutral. It was a question Gilbert asked often when Ivan came to him, and lately, it began to make Ivan feel guilty.

"No, it's not that, Gilbert," Ivan smiled sadly. He wondered if Gilbert hated him — hated asking if Ivan wanted to have sex as if it were a chore or expected of him. Ivan wasn't sure if Gilbert even enjoyed it, if it was a burden on his weakened body, or if he felt like he had to because he belonged to Ivan now. All Ivan had to go on were the sounds that Gilbert made when they embraced, and he seemed to enjoy it, but it was so messed up the way it happened. Ivan just wanted to hold him with nothing but love and tell him how precious he still was to him.

After Ivan spoke, Gilbert lowered his head into his shoulder slightly and appeared more meek and reserved.

"Well I do," Gilbert mumbled and Ivan blinked at him.

"What...?"

"I wanna do it," Gilbert clarified sternly.

Ivan still never got used to how bluntly Gilbert spoke, and he began to blush when Gilbert's pale blue eyes looked at him — they shined with that need that Ivan knew so well. He felt his heart pick up speed and his hands itched with the need to touch him.

"Are...are you okay?" Ivan asked. "You never really..." Ivan suddenly felt shy and pulled at his scarf. Gilbert gave him a sleepy half-grin.

"I have a lot on my mind," he said as he glanced over at his desk. It was so disorganized that ordinarily, it would hurt him to see it so messy, but he just didn't care. "Kind of want to forget for a while, and someone made me quit smoking, so I don't have any other option."

Ivan rubbed Gilbert's knee and smiled softly, albeit a bit crookedly. There was something cute about how Gilbert told him that he was responsible for fixing his problems now.

"Okay, we'll do it... But I want to do it differently tonight, okay?" Ivan said.

Gilbert seemed curiously cautious. "What do you mean?" he asked. Ivan touched his hand and rubbed his thumb against the skin.

"First, let's eat dinner, and then I'll show you." Ivan pulled Gilbert up from the couch and started to lead him back to the dining room.

Along the way, Gilbert gripped his hand slightly and couldn't help but feel a different mood in the air than usual. Ivan seemed so much softer and it was slightly unnerving to see.

As Ivan walked, he thought about what Gilbert said. He was surprised that Gilbert so bluntly asked for sex and thought it had to be due to something in particular. Then he remembered the paperwork regarding the Berlin Wall and other various issues that required Gilbert's attention to some degree; it had been stressing him out and in turn, stressed Ivan out as well. He likely wanted to forget what was happening around him.

Ivan then started to think about what he'd do to Gilbert later. He'd stop if Gilbert didn't like it but he wanted to touch him and only him — to strip him completely naked and kiss every inch of his skin, adore every scar on his pale white body, and love him thoroughly until Ivan was the only thing he could think about. He was aware that there was a big chance that Gilbert would disapprove since he wasn't doing it with Ivan for the emotional pleasure, but just to relieve the stress of wartime, but Ivan wanted to worship him this time; he found that giving Gilbert pleasure was something that made him very happy, so perhaps he was being selfish and cruel to push that on Gilbert.

Either way, Gilbert followed him willingly to the kitchen where they finally ate their dinner. The entire time Gilbert was curiously distracted by what Ivan had planned for him, and because he had time to think about it beforehand, he found himself becoming unusually excited. Yet he could feel something different coming from Ivan tonight; it felt so much more...romantic. Gilbert didn't completely hate the feeling; it was nostalgic if nothing else and reminded him of the night they danced in 1762 and their night of passion the following year, but he wondered what caused the sudden shift in Ivan's behavior, as they never planned these things.

Gilbert continued to think about it even after dinner. He suddenly made another realization and he covered his mouth with his hand, cheeks burning a bit. He watched Ivan's back and then cursed to himself as Ivan took him to his bedroom.

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These two make my heart hurt.