Moonbeams and Daydreams
by RtDK
I'm not sure what it was that woke me, nor do I remember my dreams. I just remember coming back to consciousness as if something essential pulled me there. Like coming up from the water to breathe.
It's surreal, really. Ever since my journey to Ahtohallan where I immersed myself fully in my abilities, I've become so much more aware of the world around me, even if I'm not entirely conscious of it. It's as though the world whispers to me through my subconscious.
I'm not sure if that's what happened here, however. It takes a moment for my human eyes to adjust to the dark of the room I find myself in. The sound of breathing causes me a spark of alarm until I remember where I am.
That's right… the Queen's bedchambers. Now it's coming back to me.
My eyes focus in the midst of the silvery moonlight drifting through the curtains, illuminating Anna's body with its ethereal glow. Even with the shuddering sigh she makes in her sleep, I can distinguish her voice.
The momentary discomfort I felt evaporates; in its place is a warmth and familiarity that was always there. I feel a smile cross my face and a twinge of numbness – she's sleeping on top of my right arm, wrapped in my embrace.
Then it happens again. Barely noticeable, but there, a tiny whimper breaks the silence, and my smile is gone.
I know what woke me now.
Anna rarely had nightmares before our accident drove us apart. After, she would knock on my door with upsetting regularity for weeks thereafter, coming to me for comfort. It always broke my heart to shut her out.
I have many lonely nightmare-filled nights to make up for.
My little sister jolts slightly again in her sleep, and I bring my arms more fully around her, drawing her deeper into my hold. She's trembling. I wonder what could frighten her so terribly – this, the woman who braved the North Mountain in her gown to bring her sister home.
"Elsa…" she rasps in her slumber.
But of course – the only thing she's afraid of.
An up-welling of sympathy overtakes me and I lean in, brushing and nuzzling softly with my nose against her cheek and stroking my hand over her shoulder blades through her nightgown.
I feel a shift in the air, and the night somehow grows calmer. Anna's body relaxes, and her trembling ceases. Even in the twilight, I can now see the smile forming on her sleeping features as her arms tighten around me. A contented sigh escapes her, and I can feel her nuzzling me back.
I continue to stroke my hand in gentle circles along her spine, and blow a cool breath through her hair. This seems to ease her further, and her entire body relaxes back into the depths of a peaceful sleep.
Contentedness returns to me as well – Anna is safe and secure, and to me, the rest of my world falls into insignificance. Her happiness is mine, and I can't imagine a greater purpose in my life in this moment.
A wave of happiness descends upon me, and I can't suppress the little chuckle that bubbles up from my chest when Anna snorts a bit in her sleep, nor can I help the lingering kiss I place on her temple.
I lean back ever so slightly in the sheets cocooning the two of us together and bathe in her presence. I honestly have difficulty remembering a time where I've felt more complete; when I've felt… happier.
Have I? I think not.
"Anna?" I ask the darkness with utmost care. I dare not raise my voice too high, lest I wake her.
Anna was always a heavy sleeper when we were young. Little has changed since; I needn't have worried about rousing her, as she makes no motion nor otherwise acknowledges me.
I giggle again and bring my free hand up to her scalp, combing my nails ever-so-gently through her auburn hair.
She sighs in her sleep, and again tightens her arms around me, drawing me back in. She holds me as though I am the most precious thing in the world to her – gently, as though I were of frailest porcelain, but possessive, as though no one else may have me.
My heart skips a beat, and I shower the top of her head with soft kisses.
"My darling baby sister…" I whisper to no one in particular. I simply wish to acknowledge that precious fact to myself aloud. Naturally, the world held in my arms offers no reply to my statement.
If I could lay here… if I could use my powers to freeze myself in this moment forever….
I know I shouldn't feel so strongly towards her. Yet, it is a feeling that has only grown in intensity since we were reunited. I had hoped some distance and time between us would soothe these feelings to something more akin to sisterhood. Yet, it has only reinforced my want… my desire to be near her.
I can't help but foolishly wonder if Anna perhaps feels something similar. It is always difficult to return to the wilderness whenever she hugs me goodbye at the end of our charade get-togethers. I never want them to end. It's as though something elemental within me goes missing whenever I depart. Even though Gale's charity means Anna is never more than a breath away from me, even out in the deepest wilderness, it is still never close enough. No missive can replace the sanctuary of her arms to me.
It's precisely what drew me to accept her invitation to stay the night, what drew me into her bed, and drew me deeper into this endless mystery.
This… love… this precious poison of mine….
"Why must I feel this way?" I ask, brushing my cheek along her crown. Anna, naturally, offers no answer to my quandary.
The paradox of my affection wars endlessly in my mind. I love Anna more than all the stars in the sky, or all the souls in our kingdom. She is more precious to me than the air I breathe or the magical heart that beats within me. I would give every iota of my being just to preserve her happiness.
And yet, these feelings are exactly those I wish would disperse. Fate's cruel hand has stricken me with a forbidden need, something as core to me as the blood we share. I have spent many a sleepless night over the years contemplating this very thing.
I could perhaps spend the rest of my life in such conflicted misery, were it not for the sudden stirring in my arms.
"Elsa…?" My sister speaking my name is ecstasy. The loving tone she inflects elevates my spirit to unimaginable heights and my eternal battle with myself is set aside for another day.
"Anna?" I'm not sure if she speaks from her dreams.
"Elsa, are you awake?"
My cheeks hurt from smiling. "Yes, Anna. I'm awake."
"Are you okay?"
No. Of course I'm not. "Yes. Of course, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"I just…" She yawns and pulls back, blinking away the sleep in her eyes and looking at me. "It felt like something was wrong. Are you sure you're okay?"
I notice in that moment that all the tension from my thoughts are still built up within me, turning my body rigid. It's as though the same nervousness that roused me for Anna is now rousing her for me, and I can't help but smile. Could the world visit such a happy miracle upon one as twisted as I?
The tension leaves me with a breath, and the world returns to its resting state.
"Just… thinking," I tell her. I shudder to imagine the conversation we might have if she pressed for more.
Happily, Anna's need for sleep seems to win out over her need to save her big sister from herself, and she squeezes her arms about me before cuddling back in. "No thinky-times. Only sleepy-times," she breathes into my shoulder, before planting a gentle kiss on the pulse point of my neck.
My thoughts of my conundrum flit away like motes of dust on the wind, replaced by the same adoration I felt earlier.
It seems I am released from the prison of my burdens for the remainder of the night.
"You're right," I chuckle, replying with a kiss of my own and a nuzzle to her hairline. "I'm sorry."
"Mmmmm, love you, Elsa…" she coos against me, and is asleep and softly snoring again before I can air my reply.
I hug her, wrapping myself around her, and rest my cheek on top of her head. And as my world – nay, my universe – drifts back into blissful rest, I can only mean the words I utter to her in every honestly imaginable way.
"I love you too, Anna…"