Shrek sat in the middle of his swamp praying to the gods above him. He knew that what was coming could very well be the end of him. The sky was swirling above him as lightning streaked down to earth. He took a deep breath, "Inner peace…" he whispered to himself. Shrek knew that the only way to have a chance of winning was finding peace. Another deep breath, "Inner peace…" The air around him started to grow cold and unfamiliar. He opened his eyes to see the world around shift and change. Something appeared in front of him, a portal. Shrek stood up and grabbed his sword, The Blade of the Ogrelord.
A voice echoed around him, "I have been waiting for this Shrek," it said ominously. A chant started around him, "Jump on it, ride it. Jump on it, ride it…" the voices repeated.
"Show yourself coward!" Shrek yelled as he braced himself for a great battle. Out from the portal came a massive creature, Uncle Samsonite. It's eyes were glowing red, it's skin appearing as if it was cracked and ancient.
The world went silent as Uncle Samsonite said, "It's time to have some fun, with Uncle Samsonite." Ginuwine - Pony (Uncle Samsonite's Phat Remix started to play as Uncle Samsonite's long and disturbing tongue emerged from his mouth.
Shrek cringed at the sight as Uncle Samsonite began to move his hips back and forth. Shrek charged at Uncle Samsonite and swung at him. Samsonite's tongue grabbed Shrek's arm and slammed him into the ground. Samsonite twerked on Shrek's body, causing it to slam into the earth's crust with immense force. Shrek rolled out of the way and sliced Samsonite's side. He screamed in anguish as he grasped his wounds.
Uncle Samsonite twisted his head towards Shrek and let out an ear piercing screech. His tongue stretched out towards Shrek, who ducked out of the way at the last moment. Shrek leaped at Samsonite and attempted to strike once more. Uncle Samsonite's arm elongated and blocked the ogre's attack. Samsonite smiled as he watched the ogre attempt to catch his breath.
He grabbed Shrek with his gloved hand and pulled him in close enough to whisper in his ear, "It's all ogre now." Uncle Samsonite felt a sudden pain in his back causing him to drop Shrek onto the ground. Shrek gasped for air as he put his hand on his chest. Standing behind Uncle Samsonite was a man with short brown hair, wearing glasses and holding a dagger in his hand soaked with Samsonites blood.
"Jake!" Shrek shouted, "You should never have come here!"
Jake Bowen stared up at Uncle Samsonite, who looked down at him with the face of a demon, "I had no choice Shrek, you would never have been able to defeat him." Uncle Samsonite gazed down at the weapon in Jake Bowen's hands before screeching and backing away. "That's right!" Jake shouted, "This dagger is laced with off-brand soda, it could kill you just as easily as you could kill me." Uncle Samsonite swung at Jake, who held the dagger out in front of himself. It sliced Samsonite's hand causing him to fall down in agony. Shrek looked at Jake Bowen's waist only to notice a bottle of off-brand soda attached to him. The bottle had been shaken immensely and would burst at any moment.
"Jake!" Shrek shouted, "Pass the bottle quickly!" Jake obeyed and tossed the bottle to Shrek whilst keeping the dagger out in front of him. Jake slowly backed away from Uncle Samsonite as Shrek aimed the bottle cap at him.
"Twerk…" Uncle Samsonite began to say, "Twerk, twerk, twerk…"
"Quickly Shrek!" Jake yelled as the earth began to rumble. Just as Shrek unscrew the lid a massive explosion occurred, propelling Shrek and Jake onto their backs as everything went black. Shrek awoke minutes later to see his swamp completely ruined. Trees ruins were laid out all around him alongside other plants. His blade was shattered into pieces. Shrek ignored the destruction and attempted to locate Jake.
"Help!" he heard a voice cry out. Shrek ran over to a fallen tree and found Jake laying under it. He lifted the tree with all his mighty ogre strength and helped Jake onto his feet. Jake coughed, "Where is the soda?" Shrek looked around and saw the bottle completely empty, the soda spilled over the swamps ground. "No!" Jake yelled.
"We still have a chance," Shrek said, "Your dagger, give it to me."
Jake paused, "But, if you wanted to kill Uncle Samsonite with it, you would need to be standing right in front of him. At the range he could kill-"
"Jake," Shrek said, cutting him off, "It's the only way. I will do it, you have a family to protect." Jake shed a single tear as he obeyed and gave the dagger to Shrek. They heard a noise behind them. Uncle Samsonite stepped out from a dust cloud, appearing even more furious than ever.
"He is becoming more powerful!" Jake shouted.
Shrek put his hand in front of Jake, "Stand back!" he ordered. Jake started to back away as Shrek held out the dagger in front of him. Uncle Samsonite smiled as he grabbed Shrek in the blink of an eye. The dagger fell to the ground as Uncle Samsonite began to squeeze to the point where Shrek could feel his innards being crushed.
Uncle Samsonite stared into Shrek's soul, "Uncle Samsonite only wants to show you a good time." Uncle Samsonite heard a battle cry from behind him. Jake leaped onto his back, dagger in hand and began stabbing Uncle Samsonite over and over again. Uncle Samsonite swung his free hand behind him, hitting Jake, who at that instance managed to throw the knife over Samsonite's head before being sent flying into a tree. Shrek caught the dagger and said, "This one's for all the sandwiches." He swung at Uncle Samsonite's neck, piercing through his stone-like skin causing blood to pour out.
Uncle Samsonite let out one final soul piercing screech that echoed through the entire swamp before falling onto his knees. Shrek, nearly dead from the injuries, smiled as he stared at his defeated enemy. Uncle Samsonite's lifeless body crashed onto the ground. Jake Bowen stumbled onto his feet and ran over to the ogre. He stared at Shrek with tears in his eyes, "We did it Shrek, we killed him," he cleared his throat, "You can rest now."
Shrek gazed the most heart warming smile to Jake, "I am not the one deserving of rest, you are." Shrek went limp on the warm swampy ground as Jake sobbed and rubbed his hand along Shrek's eyes, closing them. Shrek's body faded away as pink leaves swept him to the spirit realm. Jake stood up and wiped the tears off his face.
He turned over to Uncle Samsonite, walked up to his body and peered into his lifeless eyes, "Fun-times over," he said. Jake picked up the dagger and walked away from the scene, happy that it was over, but forever sad for his fallen comrade.