1947/48
It's dark and she doesn't know where she is. She's disorgianated, turning slowly where she stands, squirting into the darkness. Peggy Carter's heart races as she tries to control her breathing, short, measured, quiet breaths. Then she hears a sound, a snap followed by a soft crackling hiss, and suddenly the darkness is pierced by an eerie green glow. Turning slowly, Peggy braces herself for what she will find, but when she sees the source of the light it only confuses her more. It's a neon green sign that reads L&L Automat. Peggy blinks, her confusion growing by leaps and bounds. She'd been in the desert, had just witnessed Edwin Jarvis shoot Whitney Frost point blank, Jason Wilkes was alive in a crater caused by a zero matter explosion, and there were gangsters. There was a sharp blow to the back of her head, the butt of a rifle perhaps? That sharp pain was the last thing Peggy remembers before finding herself here, in front of the L&L with sweethearts passing her by as she crosses the street towards the revolving doors, a couple of sailors smile and tip their caps at her as she cuts in front of them in her haste to get inside.
There's a tune playing on the radio that she doesn't recognize as she makes her way towards the counter hoping to find a familiar face, and perhaps an explanation as to what the bloody hell was going on! "Excuse me?" When the waitress at the counter turns it's just the face Peggy had been hoping to see, one that simonatially brings her comfort and pain. She misses her. "Angie!"
"Hiya English!" Angie says cheerfully. "What'it'll be today?"
She was in the desert with Jarvis, Jason, Frost and gangsters. How was she here with Angie in the L&L? Something wasn't right, but God she missed Angie. She smiles. "Angie, what are you doing here?"
"Bustin' my hump workin' a double." Angie laughs and wipes down the counter in front of Peggy before tossing the dish towel over her shoulder. "What about you, English? Shouldn't you be workin' on whatever top secret stuff you get up to at the," She air quotes, "phone company?"
When Peggy asked Angie to move into Howard's penthouse she gave her that explanation she said she would give her after Angie had helped her off the ledge, literally. She had wanted Angie to understand what would come with not only living together, but just being friends. It had been a tremendous weight off Peggy's shoulders, and while the possibilities of Angie getting hurt still terrified her, she also found comfort and stability in having someone she trusted to confide in.
"I was," Peggy replies, confusion once again muddling up her thoughts. "I mean I am, I'm in the desert, I was, working in the desert?"
"Of course, you want dessert." Angie smiles a big knowing smile. "You have it bad for pie, English, we got key lime today, you'll love it."
"No, Angie," Peggy shakes her head which feels like it's full of warm cotton balls. "That's not what I said."
Suddenly Angie's expression changed, her smile which seemed just a little too big, a little too fake, fades and her high pitched voice, which was too cheerful even for Angie, lowered to a more serious octave. She leaned forward across the counter, her gaze locking onto Peggy's. "Then what do you want, Peggy?"
Peggy blinks. The way Angie is looking at her, the tone of her voice, it's making Peggy uncomfortable. She shakes her head and admits. "I… I don't know what I want."
Before Angie can responde a voice to Peggy's left says, "What about…" Peggy turns to find Jason lowering a menu. "Me?"
"You." She somehow manages to keep it from sounding like a hiss. For a moment Peggy had thought she'd felt a spark between herself and the brilliant scientist. He was handsome, charming in an endearing way, intelligent, and they shared an understanding of what it meant to be considered inferior by the dominant power. Then for whatever reason, one he surely thought was a noble one, he turned on her. Whether it was in fear or desperation he'd aligned himself with the enemy, and against her.
Jason stands and holds out his hand. The music no longer seems as if it's coming from the radio but from all around them. Peggy takes his offered hand and allows him to pull her closer, allows him to put his arm around her waist, and follows his lead as they begin to dance. The banter between them came easily just as it always did, but dancing with Jason felt strange. It was lovely, really, and she'd enjoyed the dance they'd had that night in the club, but dancing with him now felt like trying to fit into an ill fitted dress or a pair of heels several sizes too small.
The order bell rings and Angie's voice calls out that an order is ready. Peggy feels a pull deep in her chest, one that makes her pull out of Jason's arms to look for Angie. She turns towards the direction she'd heard Angie's voice and calls out, "Angie?" But instead of seeing the spunky waitress from Brookylyn with big dreams of being on Broadway, Peggy finds herself face to face with, "Daniel?" He's standing there, smiling at her sans crutch. "What the blood blue blazes is going on here?"
Daniel takes two steps towards her and starts singing. Bloody singing! Like they're in one of Angie's damn Broadway shows! Even as she fell into a perfectly choreographed step alongside Daniel, Peggy didn't realize she was dreaming. Peggy Carter didn't dream of brightly colored musical numbers, she dreamed of war, of fighting, of loss. This, this seemed like something Angie would dream up.
Dancing in Daniel's arms felt safe, it still didn't feel quite right, but it was safe, known, predictable, expected. Daniel was kind, steady, and hard working. Again, he and Peggy could commiserate about being underestimated and mollycoddled by their peers. She could learn to be happy with Daniel. Though she would have to stop holding that small grudge towards him and his willingness to believe the worst of her. She'd never admitted it to him, or to anyone really, but having Daniel believe her a traitor had hurt her deeply.
What was he bloody singing about? What she was going to do, was up to her? Damn sodding right it was up to her! Daniel. Jason. They were both decent, good, men. They would each come with their own challenges, but Peggy could handle it. Daniel was the safer option of the two, and as he leans in to kiss her, Peggy draws back, her eyes wide. Then she feels a hand grab hold of hers and she's pulled out of Daniel's arms. She's twirled around, and finds herself face to face with Angie. She breathes a sigh of relief, and relaxes as her best friend smiles at her. "Oh Angie, thank heavens. I quite think I've lost my damn mind."
"That's your problem, Peg." Angie tells her as she pulls Peggy close and they start to dance. "You ain't listenin' to your heart. You're doing all your debating in your head." She twirls Peggy away from her, and then pulls her back in, only this time Peggy's back is flush up against Angie's front. It's a little awkward given the height difference, Peggy being taller, and yet it feels perfect. Angie's hand is on her stomach, warm, welcome. Her lips brush against Peggy's ear as she speaks, a smile on her lips, "You think too much, English."
They dance that way for a moment longer, then Angie's hand is sliding to Peggy's hip, and she's gently pushing Peggy away again, only to draw her close once more, this time they're face to face again. Peggy giggles, which she blames on the slight headrush of being cast about like a child's yo-yo, and not the feeling dancing with Angie evokes in her. Dancing with Angie is different. Angie isn't leading, forcing her to follow, like Daniel or Jason had. They move together, equally directing their movement and direction. Peggy isn't stiff, mindful of keeping distance between their bodies. She's relaxed, and they're pressed up against each other so closely old Mrs. Evans wouldn't be able to press a sheet of paper between them, let alone a ruler. Dancing with Angie felt natural, perfect even, like Angie was meant to dance with her. Like maybe Angie was the right partner for her.
As soon as Peggy had the thought she let go of Angie and stumbled backwards, her eyes wide, her heart racing. She would have fallen but was caught and steadied. When she turned to see who'd caught her Peggy was startled to find Dottie smiling back at her. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Dottie smiled sweetly. "Oh Peggy, I'll always be in your head."
Peggy began backing away from the tall Russian assassin until she crashed into someone, causing him to make a soft oof sound. Spinning on her heel Peggy's breath rushed from her lungs as her eyes widened. Now she knew she was dreaming. "Steve."
Steve Rogers, all one hundred pounds of him, stood there smiling at her in his army issued tan shirt, and tie. "Askin' a pretty dame to dance is still pretty terrifying." He held out his hand to her. "Even when you know she'll say yes, maybe because you know she'll say yes."
Pre-serum Steve, her Steve, held out his hand to her and Peggy took it gladly. "Oh Steve."
"It's ok, ya know." Steve tells her as the music slows and the room fades away around them. "For you to be happy, for you to find love, so what are you waitin' on, Peggy?"
"I suppose I'm still holding out for the right partner." She answers as she looks into his eyes.
"Holding out or hiding from?" Steve asks with a lopsided grin as if he knows something she doesn't. "Never known you to be a coward, Peggy."
She gasps, insulted and a bit ashamed. "I'm not!"
"Then what's it gonna be, Peggy?" Steve asks her as he spins her out of his arms and into the middle of a stage.
Peggy stands alone, her heart racing, as the stage floods with dancers who repeatedly sing the line, "What's it going to be?" Daniel slides in on her left, taking her hand and gently pulling. Jason appears on her right, taking her hand and gently pulling. She tugs in towards herself to free her hands, but they hold on and come closer. She looks both of them in the eye, and then shoves them both away, casting them from the stage. She turns around, finds Angie singing and dancing with the chorus, she walks up to her, sighs and reaches out for her. Angie smiles as she sings, a beautiful smile that floods Peggy with warmth and thoughts of home, and dancing together for years and years to come.
"Oh dear." Peggy sighs as she looks into Angie's eyes, her hand still outstretched towards the other woman.
"What's the matter, English?" Angie replied, staring back, breathless and smiling.
"I do believe I'm rather in love with you, darling." Peggy admits. Angie suddenly stops, everything around them comes to a halt. Peggy holds her breath, and just as Angie is about to reach up and take her hand.
"Miss. Carter!" Edwin Jarvis' voice cuts through the music and Peggy's thundering heart.
"I do hate to interrupt."
She turns towards the sound of his voice ready to snap at him but stopped when she finds him surrounded by dancing girls with feather fans. She blinks, tilts her head and replies. "Yes Mr. Jarvis?"
"You're queer, dear." Jarvis tells hers as dancing girls wave large feather fans around him, framing him in black and white to match his top hat and tails.
Peggy blinks and turns to look at grinning Angie before looking back at Jarvis. She shrugs at him and nods. "Yes, I suppose indeed I am."
"Now that you know what you want." Jarvis tells her. "It's time to wake up."
Peggy comes to in the back of a box truck that's rumbling down the road. Her head is pounding, and her thoughts are scattered as she regains consciousness. She moans softly as she pushes her body up until she's on her hands and knees, and then moans again as she gets herself upright. Seeing Jarvis laying on the floor helped to clear Peggy's mind. She needed to get them out of this gangster driven box truck. She rouses him fairly easily, and with the handy little hot wire in her belt, she frees them from the confines of the truck. She may or may not have thrown him out of the truck a little roughly, but honestly they wouldn't be in this mess if he'd kept a level head. Peggy could understand his fear and guilt over Ana, she shared it in fact, but now was not the time to lose their heads and allow their hearts to take charge.
"You've really proven your worth to God, King, and Country this time Agent Carter!" Jarvis yells as he rants in a very un-British like way.
She rolls her dark eyes and continues to walk. His anger over the situation, the guilt he feels for drawing danger into Ana's orbit, his fear over whether or not his wife will live or die, are shining examples of why she can't have what she wants. She is willing to acknowledge the uncovered truth in her strange dream. She has feelings, feelings she should not be having, for her best friend. This wasn't just a deviant dalliance with a schoolmate or a war time need for companionship and comfort. Peggy was in love with Angie.
Michael hadn't been wrong all those years ago at her engagement party when he'd said she'd let her dreams be drummed out of her, only it hadn't just been her dreams of adventure, but her desires towards other women as well. Fred had not only been the safe choice, but the normal one. She had given in to her desires a few times during the war after she'd joined the S.O.E. and S.S.R, and before she'd met Steve. And while there may have certainly been attraction and even affection, there was never anything like what she felt now for Angie. Feelings that Peggy could never admit to, to anyone. If her enemies ever found out about Angie, she could very well end up just like Ana Jarvis, or worse, like Colleen. Peggy had taken a big enough risk moving into the Griffith and then into Howard's penthouse with Angie. Having feelings for Angie would only make the danger to Angie worse.
Peggy could no longer ignore the fact that she did in fact have romantic feelings for Angie. Feelings that Peggy could never admit to, to anyone other than herself. Angie was a good Catholic girl, with normal dreams and desires. Admitting she had these kinds of feelings would drive Angie out of her life, it would change the way Angie saw her, and Peggy, who could bear a hell of a lot, could not bear that.
She was so lost in her thoughts, and the painful ache in her chest caused by realizing she once again felt love, but could do nothing with that love but harbour it secretly, that Peggy had forgotten about Jarvis as he trailed behind her. She'd nearly bloody jumped out of her skin when he spoke up, talking of rest and complaining of being out in the heat and desolation. She scolds him like he's a spoiled child whinging at his mother's skirt, and then attempts to walk away from him, but Jarvis won't let it drop. He picks a fight with her and before Peggy can stop herself she's saying things that perhaps should not be said.
"Yes, Mister Jarvis, there is a cost." She tells him, her voice soft, emotional, sad and full of regret. "One I have paid for a hundred times over, and continue to pay for with each breath I take, each beat of my heart. Your wife will survive, you can go on with your life knowing nothing of loss, knowing nothing of longing, and loneliness. Ana will be fine, Mr. Jarvis, and you will get to spend the rest of your life with her, with the woman you love. Lucky you."
He tells her about Ana and the complications and together under the desert sun they mourn together, Jarvis for the future he and Ana had once dreamed of but can no longer have, and Peggy for a life she can never have with the one she loves. They embrace, giving one another comfort and support, and then just as they had once been told, they calm themselves and they carry on.
They return to the city and Peggy sends Jarvis back to the hospital to be with Ana, only to have Ana send him back to her. When Jarvis returns he has Howard with him, and after that everything gets a bit crazy. In the end Frost is defeated, zero matter is destroyed, and they've handicapped a powerful cabal, but Peggy knows she's poked a hornet's nest this time. Standing outside of Ana Jarvis' hospital room a war brews inside her. A part of her wants to push people away to keep them safe, but a larger part of her would not stop thinking about something Jarvis had said to her when he'd first come into her life. He'd told her that she needed people in her life, people to support her, care about her, even love her, because what good was saving the world if she weren't saving it for the people she cared about. A spiteful part of her wondered why bother to save a world who thought her abnormal, a world where she could never be with the people she loved because fate had taken them from her or made them taboo for her to love.
"Miss. Carter." Jarvis says gently as he approaches her.
Peggy jumped a bit, so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed him leave Ana's room. "Yes, Mr. Jarvis? How is Ana doning?"
"As well as can be expected." Jarvis replies. "We have a bit of a long road ahead of us."
"Yes, well, it'll be difficult, but you'll do it together." Peggy smiled warmly at him while reaching for his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.
Jarvis returns the smile, "What shall you do now?"
"I'm not sure." Peggy admits. What she wants to do, is go home, but she isn't sure that's the best course of action. Putting aside the fact that danger seems to follow her like ducklings follow their mother, given her feelings for a certain fledgling actress, perhaps it would be best for them both if Peggy stayed here.
Jarvis hesitates for merely a moment before saying, "I think, and pardon me if I am at all out of line here Miss. Carter, but, I think that after once again saving the world, you should go home to the person you saved it for."
Peggy's eyes went wide as she stared up at him unsure whether she had taken his meaning correctly. Surely he wasn't saying what she thought he was saying, she was merely hearing what she wanted. Despite how close they were, there was no way Edwin Jarvis knew of her most secret and unnatural inner thoughts and feelings. "Mr. Jarvis, I…" She pauses and takes in the way he's looking at her, the warmth and affection in his eyes, and she sighs softly. Peggy smiles. "Yes, Mr. Jarvis, I do believe you are quite right. I do rather miss New York."