When Casey entered the kitchen that morning, the first thing he said surprised Kelly, in lieu of their usual pleasantries.
"I've been getting a lot of calls lately," he explained as he sat down at the table, "My mom, Christie, my niece...they're all calling me around the clock asking me if this is the end of the world, if we're all going to die, like I have the answers...and I'm so busy trying to keep all of them calm, but after hearing it from all of them for an hour straight...I'm sweating, I'm ready to bust through the roof, I can barely think, I can't calm down, and forget sleep."
Kelly merely nodded in understanding as he poured their coffee.
"If it was just me, I probably wouldn't worry so much, but I have all of them, and I have to calm them down, which is about impossible right now...it's hard not to start thinking that way. We already have to be reassuring to everybody we see on a call, keep them calm, give them some hope to live for, I can do that, but it's getting hard to juggle that 3 days a week and this the rest of the time."
"I get it," Kelly said as he handed Casey a mug, "we've never had to deal with anything like this before."
"That's what makes it all so scary, what if there's not an answer?" Casey asked.
"There is, there has to be," Kelly said. "Just because we haven't had to deal with it before doesn't mean it hasn't happened before."
"What're you talking about?"
"This isn't the first pandemic the world ever saw, it's probably not even the first one Chicago ever saw. Remember the Spanish flu? 100 years ago, everything had to shut down, everybody had to stay home, the whole country practically."
Casey vaguely remembered some discussions from history class 25 years ago, "The hospitals and morgues were overcrowded, there weren't enough medical personnel to treat everyone..."
"But mankind survived that," Kelly said, "they'd never seen anything like that before either. The whole world's survived about a billion different pandemics, the fact the human race has survived long enough for us to be going through this now has to tell you humanity's pretty hardy."
"But never without casualties," Casey pointed out.
"But today we have a better understanding how it works, how it spreads, how to prevent it, how to treat the patients," Kelly offered in response, "And with that knowledge comes fear, because we know what to expect. I mean people had it easy 100 years ago, somebody gets sick a hundred miles away, what do you care? It couldn't possibly affect you, it couldn't possibly spread to you, until somebody around that sick person gets on a train or a boat and goes to another town, another state, everybody gets exposed, they get infected, but until they start feeling sick, nobody has any reason to worry, by which time, they have already infected everybody else around them. But because nobody knows this, nobody thinks to panic about it. Ignorance was only bliss to the people living it, not the people around them who paid for it."
Casey swallowed a mouthful of coffee and lightly nodded, "Never really looked at it this way."
"So now we have the ability to know what's going on everywhere in the world and we know what's happening to people here, in the next state, across the country, overseas, and that's scary because it all feels so much closer to home now," Kelly said.
Casey looked at him, "I'm just scared that I'm not going to be able to keep holding it together when we're on shift."
"Well," Kelly said with a pause, "we're not on shift today..." He reached over to the counter and picked up a bottle and put it on the table in front of Matt. As a precautionary measure as soon as they went into cold and flu season, he'd gone out and gotten the biggest bottle of Vitamin D capsules the store had, then for added measures once news of the outbreak hit, he got another one, figuring between the two of them taking it everyday, they'd be kept in supply for two more months. Casey popped the lid and swallowed one with his coffee.
"So?" Casey asked, "What's your point?"
"Look, I know it's important to be in control in front of everyone on your company and with the victims on a call," Kelly told him, "But it's just us here...if you need to have a little breakdown here to keep it together tomorrow...I'm sure as hell not gonna tell anybody, you're carrying around enough stress for ten people, you gotta find an outlet for it somewhere."
A small laugh escaped Matt as he commented, "Don't really relish the thought of screaming in a pillow for three hours."
"Well that wasn't exactly what I had in mind," Kelly said.
Casey raised an eyebrow curiously, "Then what?"
"Okay, so tell me everything that's going through your mind right now," Kelly said as they sat down on the couch after breakfast. "What's got you so worried?"
"This is stupid, Kelly."
"Why? You don't want to do it, that's obvious, what else?" Kelly asked. "Can it really be so much worse if I know about it than if you carry this around alone?"
Casey looked at him for a minute before he finally spoke, "It's just everything...all the rumors, all the conspiracy theories, what if they're not all just theories? What if they're true and this was a manmade bio-warfare weapon that just blew up in somebody's face and now the whole world is paying the price? What if we get sick? They're saying even people who recover could be left with lung problems, we wouldn't be able to be firefighters anymore, what then? And what if all the rumors going around how this is just leading up to martial law, government takeover, the end of times, all that stuff, isn't just people being paranoid? What if there's some truth in it? I can accept the idea I could die on a call gone wrong, building collapse, trapped in a fire, die in an explosion, I can deal with that possibility...I can't live with the possibility I'm going to die at 40 unmarried without a family because somebody following orders puts a bullet in my head for resisting government orders, or...anything, I can't accept that this is the way my life ends. The National Guard is being deployed all over the country, and sure they say it's for legitimate reasons, to maintain order, to deliver food and water, to patrol for looters, but what if that's not what they're doing? If it isn't, nobody's going to tell us about it and we won't know until it's too late, and we can't fight the military. And what about everybody else? People start killing each other for food, for water, I can't deal with that possibility, and I especially couldn't deal with the reality if that's the case...and everything's shut down, there's nowhere to go anymore, you can't even go somewhere to get away from all this, and what if nothing opens up again? What if the whole economy tanks and we go into another Depression? How would the country survive? And then what, this charitable politician comes out of the shadows and fixes everything and unites the world? I mean it's been a while since I've been to church but isn't that how the end of the world's supposed to begin? This antichrist who to the entire world seems like a wonderful savior, restore peace and order in the world...and if things go as bad as everybody's thinking they will, that would be a welcome sight by many, then kills anyone who doesn't follow him. And I know those old church movies always depicted them cutting Christians' heads off for not taking his mark, what if that's not how it happens? What if it's not just religious people? What if it's anybody who doesn't buy into the plan, and instead of bringing back the guillotine instead they're shot down by the military, an order by government officials? What if they're portrayed as terrorists or traitors to the country or the new world order so in the eyes in the public it seems justifiable? What if it's all true and there is where it all starts unfolding?"
"You've been giving this a lot of thought," Kelly noted.
Casey nodded as he dropped his head to his chest. "I've thought about all of it, and any way it turns up, it all scares the hell out of me, Kelly, and what if there is no end to it all? What if this is the way it is from now on? Another thought that scares me, what if we do recover from this, but we're like this for so long that everybody gets used to it? What if the people are always like this, what if the grocery stores are always empty because people keep hoarding even after everything gets back to normal? What if everybody gets so conditioned to this social distancing, that when the pandemic's over everybody decides it's not worth opening everything up again and risking getting another disease? What if everything, the bars, the clubs, the movies, the gyms, all the sports, what if they never reopen because everybody's paranoid about getting sick again?"
"I don't think that would happen," Kelly shook his head, "People are keeping their distance now, but even with video chat people are social creatures, after a while they're going to need that human interaction."
"But what if it's all true?" Casey asked in a small, scared voice, "What if this is how the world ends? People thought it would end in the year 2000, and it didn't, but have you ever really thought about how long mankind could last from this point? I've never given it much thought but the times I did I really couldn't picture humanity lasting another hundred years, never even mind another thousand years. It's like we've just about done all there is to do and what could possibly be left?"
"Pretty sure people have been saying the same thing since the beginning of time," Kelly said, "There are some things that are just eternal, every single generation thinks they're the first to think of it. Go back a century, people got lights, they got phones, they got cars, they got film, they could never have anticipated computers, they probably figured they invented everything that could ever be thought of and the human race couldn't progress much more from there."
"But it can't keep going on forever, Kelly," Casey said, "You know eventually it's all going to come to an end somewhere."
Kelly nodded, "Probably true, but not today, Casey. I don't think in our lifetime, or our kids' lifetime."
"We don't have kids," Casey pointed out.
"See? We got something to plan for when this all blows over," Kelly said. "Hey, remember what we were talking about earlier? You can be sure the people living through the flu pandemic also thought it would never end."
"But they didn't have all this other stuff to worry about," Casey said, "they didn't have to worry about it being manmade, and they didn't have to question if the government was going to use it to control everybody."
"No but plenty of people have thought that about a lot of things over the years," Kelly replied, "And we're still here."
Casey closed his eyes and dropped his head to his chest again, "I'm just scared, Kelly, nobody has any answers and nobody knows when or how it's all going to end and that scares me."
Kelly reached over and stroked his hand over the back of Casey's head, "We had a long winter and everybody felt stir crazy from that, now we've got this and we're still going stir crazy...it's also been dark and cold and cloudy for weeks now, and that's making us feel stir crazy and depressed. Now I'm not saying all our problems are going to be solved once we actually get warm weather and the sun's out regularly, but when that happens we'll feel better and not everything will feel as hopeless as it does now."
Casey snorted, "And by the time that actually happens we'll be further along and maybe we'll actually know something?"
"That's possible too," Kelly said.
"We have to get there first," Casey told him, "And right now I don't know if I'm going to last that long."
Kelly heard the small sob that sneaked in between the last couple words, he looked at Casey and saw the Truck captain's whole body was wracking as he lost the battle with all the inner turmoil he was experiencing.
"Hey, hey," Kelly said softly as he nudged Casey to get his attention, then put his arm around the distraught man and pulled him against him, "It's gonna be alright, buddy, it's going to be okay."
"You don't know that," Casey said in a terrified sob, "you don't know it's going to be okay."
"Come on, Casey, you know that saying," Kelly replied, "'Tough times don't last, tough people do'. They don't come much tougher than you and me."
Casey choked and struggled to get the next words out coherently, "Don't do it, Kelly, don't try and make me laugh, I'm not in the mood."
"Well, now that you got all that out in the open," Kelly said as he rubbed his friend's back, "that should help take some of the weight off your shoulders."
"I don't feel any better," Matt told him.
"Give it some time," Severide remarked, "how much sleep have you been getting lately?"
Casey turned his head and looked at Kelly in a way that said everything the blonde man wasn't.
"That's what I thought," Kelly said. He patted Casey on the thigh and told him, "Come on."
"Come on what?" Casey asked.
Kelly grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet and walked him over to the bedroom. "You slept like the dead last night, so, if that's what it takes to put you to sleep, then that's what we're going to do."
"What're you talking about?" Casey asked.
"We don't have to be on-shift until tomorrow, and we've got nothing going on today," Kelly said as they entered the room, "So, since we don't have any idea if we'll even get to sleep tomorrow, we're going to take advantage of our empty schedule today and take a nap."
Casey looked at him like he was nuts. "Are you crazy?"
"Maybe, but I won't tell anyone if you don't," Kelly answered with a straight face.
Casey snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Come on, Casey, you know as well as I do from all that crap they hammer into our heads every flu season, lack of sleep weakens the immune system, so, as we're taking all available precautions to not get sick, we need to start getting more sleep than we're used to," Kelly said.
"I get the feeling you're trying to be funny," Casey said.
"Is it working?"
"No," he shook his head.
"Oh well, let's lay down for a while anyway."
Casey stared at him and cynically commented, "If I was a woman I might be worried...maybe I should be anyway."
Kelly laughed and elbowed him, "Cut it out, come on."
Kelly didn't unmake the bed but he reached for the bottom where he had a dark green plush blanket folded up and unraveled it for both of them to cover up with. Casey thought Kelly had lost his mind, but all the same he took off his boots and got on the bed alongside Kelly, who draped the blanket over both of them.
"Comfortable?"
"Yeah," Casey reluctantly nodded.
"Good," Kelly slung an arm around Casey's shoulders and held him close, "Now go to sleep."
Casey grunted and closed his eyes. The blanket was soft and warm and gradually he felt his skin warming up against the material, he felt comfortable, content, safe...
"Hey Casey, you awake?"
"Hmm?" he opened his eyes and blinked a few times. "What is it?"
"It's after 11," Kelly answered.
"What?" Casey asked.
He would've sworn he hadn't even been asleep yet, but there was no way he'd been laying there for two whole hours, he would've been tossing and turning trying to get comfortable if that was the case. He had to have fallen asleep.
"Want to see about getting lunch?" Kelly asked.
Casey blinked, "Uh, yeah, sure. Uh, Kelly? Thanks."
"No problem, Casey."
"I know it's stupid," Casey said sheepishly, "And I know it sounds childish...but...I feel safe around you."
The look on Kelly's face when he said that wasn't one that Casey could read, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen it before, he knew he was walking a fine line and taking a chance of being ridiculed for his statement.
"I don't think it's stupid, Matt," Kelly responded, surprising the captain, "And it's not childish, I'm..." a strange smirk formed on Kelly's face and Casey would've sworn he saw a hint of color rising in the lieutenant's cheeks, "That's kind of flattering to hear."
Now Casey felt his own face scrunching up in just as goofy of a grin as Severide's as he laughed.
"People have said a lot of things about me, but that was never one of them," Kelly admitted.
Casey was wholeheartedly laughing now, "Not even Shay?"
"She said she'd rather have a Doberman."
Casey fell back against the pillows about to bust a gut.
"Hey," Kelly said, his somber tone breaking up Casey's humorous mood, "Any time you can't sleep you know you can always come in here."
Casey pursed his lips together and nodded, "I know."
"I mean it," Kelly told him, "I don't care what it is, I'm here for you."
Casey felt his eyes sting and blinked to hold off any tears that were trying to form, "Thanks, Kelly."