Olivia wasn't sure of what time she had fallen asleep. All she knew was the blonde that still had her in her arms, and she was there laying on her chest made her feel safe. The brunette had definitly had a hard night. She came over to Amanda's practically in tears over the death of her ex, a man she cared alot about. The blonde didnt shun her or say she was busy, no the blonde opened her door and her arms. Those kisses though. There were only a couple, but what would Amanda really think when she woke up, would she regret them?
Olivia woke up a bit before Amanda. She had moved to the other chair that Amanda had. She just watched the blonde sleep. She was peaceful and very pretty. Though she knew if Rollins knew she was watching her she'd be pissed off like no tomorrow. The rise and fall of Amanda's chest eased her.
Amanda woke up about an hour later, she looked over to see Liv staring out the window. Yawning and stretching she spoke. "Hey Liv, how did you sleep?" Olivia looked at her, how could she be so understanding when she made the first move last night and kissed her. "I um.. I slept okay. Thanks for holding me Amanda. I should get ready and home to get ready for work." Amanda looked at her, Liv was closing herself off, almost beating herself up for being so vulnerable and clingy last night. "Aint gonna lie, it felt good to have someone in my arms other than a furry dog." Frannie looked at her and just snorted as her way of saying "well then" made both Amanda and Olivia laugh. Olivia then looked over at Amanda once more. "Well I should get going. Again I thank you for last night. It was much appreciated." Amanda looked at Olivia. "Honestly it wasnt a problem. I'm glad I could help you out. If you ever need it again you know my address."
Olivia nodded and said goodbye. Frannie gave a long whine. Amanda sighed. "Well my Frannie girl, that just didnt help my feelings. Cant believe we kissed." Olivia drove home to change clothes. Jesus why the hell did she kiss Amanda. Amanda was just being a nice person and being there and she kissed her. Not that she needed that to get around. When she finally got to the office she was in a shitty mood. She looked around and saw that Amanda wasnt there yet so she snapped at Fin "Where is your partner? Does she not have any concept of time?" Fin looked at Liv and shrugged, he wasnt opening his mouth to his captain as she was in a shitty mood and he didnt want his ass handed to him. "As soon as she gets here tell her to get the damn DD5's done." He looked at Olivia wanting to know what put her in a bitchy mood, yeah they lost Tucker but why was she on a warpath for Rollins.
Amanda showed up like ten minutes later. Friggen traffic on the way to work from her apartment was hell. When she got into the bullpen Fin was just about to warn her about Liv when Liv stepped out of her office
"ROLLINS MY OFFICE NOW!"
She looked at Fin and he shrugged, he had no clue what was up with Liv just that she was incredibly bitchy. Amanda rolled and cracked her neck, trying to brace herself for whatever Olivia was pissed off about. She walked into Liv's office. "Yes Captain?"
"You're a professional for christs sake. What you can do is show up on time. You're a detective dammit a senior one at that. Be responsible."
Amanda looked at her, starting to get pissed off cause she didnt know where this was coming from. She stood over by the couch.
"Where the hell do you get off Liv? Huh? Saying that shit to me. For your information I needed to take a quick shower after you left so I looked like a detective when I came to work and I had to feed Frannie, wasnt gonna let my dog starve all day. What the hell is your problem with me?" she wasnt getting anything but dirty looks from her captain so she spoke once more.
"Look you're the one who came to my apartment last night. Deny it all you want, but you came to my apartment. I welcomed you into my home. I treated you with common decency and respect which is certainly not how you're treating me right now." then her tone got dangerously low, "Oh and FYI OLIVIA... you kissed me first." she walked to the door, walking out into the bullpen and slammed the door as hard as she could as she walked away. She stopped at her desk, not saying a word to anyone grabbed her things and headed to the elevator. Kat looked at Fin, Fin shrugged and said he was going after Rollins. Just after Fin got in the elevator Liv came out of her office. "Where are Rollins and Fin?" Kat looked at Liv, "Captain all I saw was Rollins leave and Fin said he was going after her." Olivia rolled her eyes. Thinking, trying to figure out what went off when they had gotten along so well and Amanda was there for her the other night in her time of need. She began thinking 'was I too hard on her? Why was it now so hostile between them?' She went back into her office and told Kat when Fin got back to have him go to her office.
Fin showed up later. He had found Amanda at the coffee house they usually met at. He talked to her for a bit. She of course told him what had happened the other night as she couldnt keep anything from him. She didnt betray Liv's trust by telling him what she told her. She just said she had come over needing a friend. She told him about the kisses. He held no judgement and even said it just might have been what Liv needed at the time. After they talked for a bit, Amanda said she was going home. She couldnt deal with being at the office and she would just put in a sick day. He told her to call him if she needed anything or if any of her demons started talking. She agreed and took off after Fin told her to go that he had the bill. What he didnt understand was the fact of Olivia being so nasty towards Amanda. It was almost like back when Amanda first joined Manhattan SVU. Kat told him that Olivia wanted to see him. He went to her office.
"You wanted to see me Liv?" She looked up at him, taking her glasses off and placing them on her desk. "Yes please come in and close the door." He looked at her as he shut the door, came over to the desk and took a seat. Not even giving his boss a chance to start he went for it "what the hell went off with you and Amanda this morning? There was alot of noise in here Liv and dont say nothing cause these walls are paper thin. I've already talked to Amanda and heard her side. Now I wanna hear yours. Before you say something, I am very much able to listen to both of you objectively." Olivia sighed before answering. "Yeah I needed a friend the other night so I drove aimlessly for a while and I ended up on her street. Yes she let me in without a second thought. She listened to me. She consoled me. Which I needed, and then for some stupid ass reason I kissed her. Dont ask Fin cause I dont know why it happened. She kissed me back and it ended there. She just held me for the night. I was hostile to her this morning and thats where the fight started." She looked at Fin, she knew she had fucked up but she didnt even know how to fix this or where to even start to attempt to. He looked at her, "Well for starters, you cant be hostile toward her Liv. Come on you guys moved past that. You just really made her feel like complete shit. Not right Liv, not right." Olivia looked at Fin, he was right.
"You're right Fin. Now I just have to figure out to make amends with her. She's never just slammed my door and stormed completely off." He looked at her. "She's hurt Liv, she really tried to just be there for you and it bit her in the ass. You have to do something." He got up and left her alone after that. Went back out to his desk, texting to check on Rollins but she wouldnt answer him. She just wanted to be left alone. She was home with Frannie and watching tv, trying calm down but also trying to piece together what in the hell went wrong. All she had done was open her door when Liv knocked and was a friend. She let the tears fall, she got tired of fighting them and it was only Frannie there so noone would see. Why did Liv have to do that to her. She soon dozed off from crying, Frannie right there keeping an eye on her mama. Bout an hour later there was a knock on her door. She wasnt expecting anyone and was really hoping that it wasnt going to be Olivia on the other side, she didnt want to deal with her not after this afternoon.
She gets to her door, looking out the peephole and whos on the other side. Just the one damn person she did not want to see. The woman had some definite brass balls to show up to her apartment. She yanked open that door and spat "What the hell do you want? Oh excuse me if I don't let you in, but I'm pretty damn sure you understand that, if not too fucking bad. This is my home, I'm not gonna let you disrespect me in my own place." Olivia looked at the blonde, oh the woman was a spitfire. Amanda stayed put at her door, arms crossed and seriously unhappy. Her tone curt once again as she spoke. "Look Olivia, I'm not in the mood for this. Why are you here? You said enough earlier." Olivia looked at her, "Amanda I dont know what to say to make it right. I honestly dont know what came over me today. I took it out on you and I'm sorry. That's why I came over here and I even brought food, it was my way to apologize. I'll leave if you really want me to."
**Letting Her Explain**
Amanda shifted at the door, debating if she should let Olivia in. If need be she could just ask the brunette to leave. It was her apartment after all. She opened the door more, waved her hand for Liv to come in "You can come in, but you make me feel uncomfortable at all and you can get the hell out." Olivia came in, she had really hurt the blond woman. "Amanda I brought over some chinese, I was hoping to talk things out." She said as she set the food on the table. Amanda grabbed some silverware and set it on the table. "Olivia I only have beer, water or coke in the fridge. What would you like?" Olivia asked what Amanda was having and she replied she was having a beer, Liv told her she would have the same. Amanda took out two beers, popped the tops and put them on the table. Sitting down after she did that.
"So what's with the dinner Olivia? I mean fuck I wouldnt want you to go back to work tomorrow and do the same shit to me. I mean shit Liv, I opened up my apartment to you the other night. I was there for you. I held you when you cried, I held you to sleep. I didnt fucking turn you away or chastise you for the kiss either. Remember that Olivia Benson, you KISSED me. I returned it but you opened that door."
Olivia stayed quiet for a few, eating her food, needing to gain her thoughts and sipped her beer. Then she got up, she saw Amanda's eyes follow her, her nerves kicking in as she began to pace.
"Look Amanda, I am sorry. I'm sorry for what happened. It wasn't my intention to make you feel like shit. It really wasn't. I've been fighting demons losing two people in my life lately and they werent too far apart from each other gave me a kick in the ass. You were the one I felt safest coming to I didnt want to burden you or imposition you. I also have been fighting my attraction to you, that's probably where the kiss came from. It's not easy hiding feelings when you want to find out if they are reciprocated, but at the same time you're afraid of the rejection. I honestly didnt mean to lash out at you nor should I have bitched at you. I was scared and that was my defense mechanism taking over. All I can do is apologize and hope that you know I truly mean it and that you accept it, even if you dont accept it right away, I hope you can eventually."
Olivia picked up her beer and drank it. Amanda took a deep breath, taking in all of what Olivia had just said to her. She hadnt been expecting that at all. She had no idea on how to respond. She didnt even think Olivia had feelings like that towards her. Shit she had them but she never let on. To hear Olivia had the feeings blew her away.
Amanda didnt know what to say. Olivia confessing feelings to her just now really shocked the shit out of her.
"Liv, I honestly dont know what to say. But I'll just say what I'm feeling. When you called me into your office today and called my professonalism into play that hurt. That hurt like hell. Liv I've been busting my ass working and keeping my sobriety when days get hard. I still go to meetings when it gets really rough. All I could think of, 'was why is she doing this to me? I was there for her last night, she cried in my arms and I held her and she did this?' Yeah we kissed Liv. You kissed me first, but when I reciprocated it was cause I have feelings there. I have had them for a while. I mean I get that it was you were scared and your defense mechanism was taking over, but with that dont you think I was scared? Liv you're my boss. You're my friend, we took a big step and that can either turn into something, be a one-time deal, or ultimately ruin a friendship. I dont want it to ruin our friendship we've come too far. As for it being a one-time deal, I dont want that either. My heart wouldnt be able to take that. I'll say this, what happened the other night, there was a spark. I cant and wont deny it. You just admitted to having feelings for me. So what do we do? Do we have something or not. I'm pretty much in for everything or nothing. There's no grey area. Either we are or we arent. If it turns out to be nothing, then I can't do the after work hangouts and sleep overs. I just cant, it's nothing against you it's just if it's friendzoned than thats where it stays."
Olivia took in all that Amanda had said, not realizing how much she had really hurt her. "Okay here's the thing Amanda, I dont want to be friends, before you lose your shit listen to what I'm, about to say. I need more with you, I dont know what it is but I'm drawn to you and I think that's part of the reason why I acted like I did. It's not an excuse cause there is no excuse for my behavior. I need more with you, but I dont want to ruin things by moving at a fast pace. Last night when you not only held me but you reciprocated that kiss I didnt know how to react. Then this morning when you were still cuddling with me I just... I just didnt know what to say or do, noone has done that for me without wanting something in return."
Amanda could finally see Olivia's true feelings coming out. Like there was nothing there to protect them. She was curious as to what exactly meant by 'she needed more with her'. Amanda sighed taking a couple sips of her beer, she for some reason now needed the liquid courage. "You mentioned you need more with me? What do you mean by that? You just what Liv. You need to talk to me. You needed a friend, if I wanted or expected something in return what kind of friend would I be? I definitly wouldnt be a very good one. But I dont know exactly what you are wanting from me. Are you wanting more than friends like a full on relationship or friend with benefits? I'm just curious as to what all you are saying to me."
Olivia thought for a moment. Now that the words that she had said resonated with her. She had confessed feelings to Amanda and Amanda wasnt chastising her or condeming her for the feelings. She half expected Amanda to just look at her and be like 'are you fucking crazy, I could never have feelings like that for you.' But she didnt. Amanda really wasnt there looking at her like she was crazy or any of that. No she was there listening. "Amanda my feelings for you definitly arent faint. They are more than friends, I just dont know how deep. I do know it's not the friends with benefits. I cant bring myself to do that. My feelings are stronger than that. When I kissed you and you kissed me back it felt, I cant describe it. I would like to test the waters with you. See if we could be something." Olivia's omission once again left Amanda stunned. She had feelings for the brunette or that second kiss wouldnt have happened.
Since dinner had been finished and cleaned up, Amanda was still quiet as she really was at a loss for words. How did one reply to what Olivia was saying. Especially after earlier at the office. Olivia though wasnt getting that, she was getting that she really overstepped and had done what she hadnt wanted to, and that was make Amanda uncomfortable.
Unable to take the silence anymore Liv spoke "Look Amanda, I'm just going to go. Today and tonight has been a mess. I've inserted foot in mouth more than once. I'm sorry for any inconvience I've caused you. You can have tomorrow off if you like and I wont bitch. I'll see myself out."
What do you think? You think Olivia will end up leaving? Or will Amanda stop her? As always reviews are lovely as long as they are constructive.