When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability, to be alive is to be vulnerable.

~ Madeleine L'Engle

There's a small wooden trunk waiting on the kitchen table the next morning when Sirius manages to drag himself out of his room and into the perpetually dark space. Sirius stares at it for a long moment before shuffling over to his seat where a plate full of protein rich food is waiting for him. He eats hesitantly, unsure of what the chest is and why it's resting on the table but he figures that it can't be all that bad. There's no familiar ringing of dark magic in the air, not oily slide of something tainted brushing against his own magic. In fact, there's no magic at all. The chest is just a chest; old and dusty and sporting a chipped lid but obviously it's not layered with dark curses and hexes.

In fact, it seems rather mundane for something on would find in Number 12 considering its original owners were a bunch of snobbish assholes with a taste for the extremely luxurious.

Even the eating utensils are charmed to never loose their shine and if that isn't excessive Sirius doesn't know what is. Something as plain as this trunk would have never passed either of his parents careful inspection as it's not to either of their tastes. Regulus wouldn't have chosen something like this either because it's simple but it's obviously worn down to a degree and Regulus had always liked his more practical buys to be new. Surprisingly, this is more to Sirius' taste than anyone else's. He'd always liked the more antiquated look of older furniture and would have probably bought something like this to store his muggle magazines in as it would have served the purpose of pissing his parents off and keeping his things organized.

Sirius eyes the trunk and when he finally finishes his meal he shoves his plate away and calls for Kreacher, tapping his foot impatiently until the house elf meanders the kitchen from wherever it is he's taken solace, not his nest obviously so maybe the attic. When he finally shuffles to a stop just inside the room with that ever present scowl Sirius merely points at the trunk resting on the table as opposed to telling the little beast off.

"What's this about then?" He asks, eyes flicking from the trunk to the elf.

Kreacher moves forward as he grumbles under his breath so that he can move the trunk to the edge of the table. He pulls a key from a pocket in his clothes which he uses to unlock the chest, pushing open the lid with a reverence Sirius doesn't know if he likes or not. A quick glance inside the box shows a series of letters that have started to turn a bit yellow but otherwise look to be in good condition considering Sirius has no idea where they've been. As some of the seals on the letters are familiar to him Sirius raises an eyebrow at Kreacher in silent demand for him to explain why he's stowed away so many of Regulus' personal letters.

"Master Regulus wanted Kreacher to keep this safe for when you learned of the little miss... and Kreacher kept it safe for him, safe and well cared for." Kreacher strokes the wood of the box as he speaks but Sirius can't bring himself to care about Kreacher's loyalty to Regulus right now.

Smack!

Sirius barely acknowledges the elf now splayed out on the floor of the kitchen, attempting to both pull himself up and make himself smaller at the same time so as not to incur his new master's wrath any more than he already has. Sirius scowls at the little beast for a long moment before snatching up the trunk so he can make for his father's study where he'll be able to read the letters in relative peace. Once the door is locked and Sirius is certain Kreacher won't be disturbing him anytime soon the dark haired wizard makes his way over to the desk, puts the trunk down, and settles into the leather chair.

Regulus died in '79, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to assume that he'd found out about Ursa only a short while before his death and had reached out to Eleanor. He was, after all, much more family oriented than Sirius had ever been. Sirius swears under his breath at the thought of his brother knowing about Ursa because Sirius ever got a chance to. Then he remembers that there'd been a letter from Regulus around the beginning of October the year before Ursa would have been born, and one much later, bearing his brother's personal seal as well as a small note in the bottom corner that had read, 'Urgent'. Like the thrice damned fool he is Sirius hadn't bothered to read either letter and had instead thrown them into the fire so that James wouldn't find out about them and try to trick Sirius into mending bridges. With a low swear Sirius flips the lid of the trunk open and grabs the letter on top of the pile.

It's from Regulus, this time Sirius doesn't hesitate to break the seal and pull out the letter.

Sirius, he reads,

I know you're not speaking to any of us and before you throw this letter in the bin I'd like to tell you that I'm not writing in the hopes of bringing you home. I will, however, implore you to listen to what I've got to tell you as it's really rather important. You've a child, Sirius, a girl. Her name is Ursa. As you haven't replied to my other letter I assume you've either not bothered to open it or you have and simply aren't inclined to give a damn about meeting with me, so I've taken it upon myself to remain in contact with the girl's mother. Inside this trunk are correspondences between myself and Lady Diedrick, as well as a few photos and other such information regarding to your daughter.

I wish I could be telling you this in person, Sirius, but I fear I'm not long for this world and I know that you're being watched. I've asked Lady Diedrick to continue sending letters to Number 12 and I've asked Kreacher to place them all in this trunk and keep it hidden from our mother as she's a bit put out - Sirius scoffs- over the fact that you've managed to have a child with a woman of questionable standing. Father seems to be the more reasonable of the two and has soothed her annoyance to a degree. Though, I don't suppose you care about such things.

With all of my love,

Your brother, Regulus.

Sucking in a shallow breath Sirius carefully places the letter to the side where it won't get ruined before turning to the rest of the trunk. He places all of the letters to the side, content to read them after he's explored the other contents of the trunk. There are a couple of stacks of photos tied together with brown string, a small silver unicorn figurine, and a couple other little odds and ends. Sirius' eyes water as he reaches for the first stack of photos, pulling them out of the trunk with a reverence even Kreacher would know better than to mock.

He unties the string holding the stack together and allows it to fall to the desk as he begins flipping through the photos. The first few are of a blurry image of something that might be a baby, the next few are the same image but the baby in it gets clearer and clearer until Sirius is absolutely certain he's just gotten a glimpse of his kid's development in the womb. After a moment of awed silence he places the photos aside in favor of the more engaging ones.

The first is of a dark haired woman laying in a hospital bed, she's got a baby wrapped in a pink blanket held aloft in her arms and a man that looks too much like her not to be family on either side - the two men smile widely at the camera and point enthusiastically at the wriggling mass of pink while the woman shakes her head and moves to slap the one on her left with her hand. Sirius snorts as he moves to put the photo with the other ones he's looked at. The rest of the pile contain photos similar to the one Sirius set aside; a woman, two men, and a bundle of cloth with the occasional clear shot of a squishy looking baby's face. He takes one of the close-ups of Ursa and puts it in a pile all its own.

Reaching back into the trunk Sirius grabs the next pile and repeats the process. He flips through the photos, not even bothering to contain his tears as he picks certain ones out to set aside in the separate pile before repeating the process again, and again, and again. By the time he's run out of tears Sirius has managed to get himself a nice collection of photos put aside.

Honestly, there aren't many photos of Ursa as a teenager and Sirius has to assume that without Regulus or himself writing back Eleanor has likely stopped sending letters or photos to Number 12. Sirius wonders if Regulus got to see these photos too or if he was dead before Eleanor even got out of the hospital. Shaking his head to chase those thoughts away Sirius grabs the pile of photos he'd chosen and flips through them.

She looks like him, Ursa, or he thinks she does as least. Ursa's got the aristocratic features that had made the Blacks so striking among their peers- the high cheekbones, chiseled jawline, and intense grey eyes framed by thick lashes, but she's also got the same pale-gold hair that Narcissa had somehow managed to inherit from one of their ancestors and a stature that suggests she'll be tall among her peers once she's stopped growing. Sirius traces her face with his finger before putting the most recent photo in his pocket and reaching for the stack of letters he'd set aside. It's time he read them, even if it means coming to terms with everything Regulus has done for him and learning Eleanor's thoughts on the entire situation as a whole.

The first letter in the pile has an obviously broken seal which tells Sirius that this must be the one that Eleanor sent to Numer 12 that first time, the one that reached Regulus by some miracle. The one he'd made sure to keep for Sirius when he finally found out about Ursa. Without much thought Sirius pulls the letter out of the envelope and begins reading.

To Whom It May Concern,

I apologize for any inconvenience this letter may have caused. I wouldn't have written if there was another option but I'm afraid I've become a bit desperate at the moment. My name is Eleanor Diedrick and I've been trying to contact a Sirius Black to discuss a rather... delicate situation. If you know where I might reach him please forward me an address or, if that's not an option, please have him contact me at the Moonriver Estate located in Ravenhill, New Hampshire, United States of America.

Thankfully yours,

Eleanor Diedrick.

Finally! He has an address, a starting point of sorts that'll hopefully make finding Ursa a bit easier. Sirius folds the letter back up and slides it into the envelope before putting it aside to grab the next one- a simple piece of parchment that's obviously been duplicated and folded to fit the stack- which contains Regulus' scrawl.

Lady Diedrick,

What business do you have with Sirius? I'm afraid that if it's as important as your letter suggests there might not be anything I can do to help you contact him as he's cut ties with the majority of the family. If you are willing, and your delicate situation is as I suspect it to be, I will do all in my power to be of assistance during your time of need.

Of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black,

Regulus Arcturus Black.

Merlin his brother was a right prick. Couldn't he have been a bit more friendly? Though, Sirius supposes that with Regulus' upbringing and general attitude this letter is practically bursting with love and affection. He hopes Eleanor hadn't been too offended when she'd received the letter and quickly grabs for her response to find out.

Mr. Black,

I assure you the situation is as you suspect. I'm expected to deliver around the middle of April, perhaps a bit later depending on the circumstances. I'd rather talk to Sirius on this matter if it's all the same to you. Would you be opposed to forwarding a letter for me? I've added it to this one in the hopes that you'd be willing to do so.

My thanks,

Eleanor Diedrick.

Sirius feels ill as he checks the date of the letter. October 1, 1978. The letter Regulus had sent hadn't been just from him, it'd been from Eleanor too. How far along would she have been? three months? October is six months before April technically, so she wouldn't have been too far along when she'd resorted to contacting the Blacks at Number 12. Merlin. Had she tried contacting him before that? Sirius can't remember. There'd been so much going on at that point with the war and auror duties and keeping his friends safe that he barely remembers spending any real time at his flat.

He'd sleep there of course, sometimes, but when he was there Sirius hadn't been paying attention to the mail that had built up. Not when he had been making the required monthly payments through direct deposits from Gringotts to Mrs. Williamson's vault at her muggle bank.

Feeling even more ill- because how many people know about Eleanor and Ursa? Surely someone had gone through his flat after he'd been arrested. Did Peter know? Does Voldemort? It's no secret that the Ministry was, and is, crawling with people sympathetic to the Dark Lord's cause- Sirius tears into the next letter.

Lady Eleanor,

I'm sorry to say that Sirius has not returned my letters. I doubt he's even looked at mine but I do hope he's gotten yours as I sent it with a public own- Sirius can just imagine Regulus' horror at having to use a public owl to send his mail- to reduce the chance of him ignoring the letter simply because it was sent by me. If you do not hear back from Sirius within the next few weeks please do not hesitate to contact me, I'd be more than happy to assist you in anything that you might need.

Regulus Black.

Sirius grabs another letter.

Mr. Black,

I'm not entirely sure what I would ask of you if I'm being honest. My family has money of its own and unlike many European wizarding families of old blood, and I mean no offense, my parents are not worried about the fact that I'm not currently married. I only contacted you because I hadn't been able to reach your brother and I was hoping we could discuss my pregnancy like adults but now there's really no need to contact you at all.

My thanks,

Eleanor.

Another letter.

Eleanor,

I assure you that just because my attempt to contact Sirius failed does not mean he won't want anything to do with his child. Should it be the case that Sirius is simply ignoring the fact out of foolish, reckless pride I can promise you that he'll come around eventually.

If you do not require money or familiar support from the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black may I make a request? I understand this is a trying time for you and I have no intention of causing you undo stress, but I must ask if you could find it in your heart to send letters? Photos would be appreciated as well but I ask for only that which you are willing to give me. I have no intention of outing you to the public as it might become dangerous to you and yours if I were to do so, but I am under the impression that if Sirius does not wish to be a father now he may one day change his mind, and if he's unaware of your pregnancy to begin with then it would be unfair to deny him the opportunity to know his child at a later date.

Please consider,

Regulus.

Sirius isn't sure why Regulus had done what he did but obviously Eleanor had been willing to continue sending letters and photos even after he'd died and she'd been forced to reconcile with the fact that the only contact she had with Ursa's side of the family was gone. Sirius wishes he would have found out sooner, much sooner, he'd have attempted to make things better between him and Regulus if he'd known what his brother had done for Eleanor and Ursa... for himself as well.

As he continues to read Sirius watches Eleanor and Regulus' relationship develop into something friendly. Sirius isn't sure how friendly they were, as there's no true inflection in letters, but t's clear Regulus had thought highly of Eleanor. He'd send her letter asking about her pregnancy, how the baby was doing, how she was doing, and offered a list of names common for their family when Eleanor had expressed an interest in star names. While it should have been Sirius' job he's glad that Regulus had been there to help Eleanor when she asked for it. And the more he reads the more invested he becomes in their friendship.

Regulus hadn't had many friends growing up, none that were actually friends anyway. What he'd had were acquaintances and political friends; a true Slytherin. Sirius thinks that he might have gotten on well with Remus or Lily as they'd both been the studious type and Regulus had loved books- some of his favorites he'd apparently sent to America for when Ursa got old enough to read them- and his witty remarks would have made James laugh. But he hadn't had friends during his schooling and Sirius can't say whether or not Death Eaters have friends, so it gladdens Sirius to see him actually developed a healthy friendship of sorts with Eleanor.

It makes the last letter from Regulus all the more painful to read.

Nell,

Congratulations are in order. I'll admit I'd been hoping for a nephew but I'm greatly pleased to know I've gotten a niece instead. Enclosed are a few Black heirlooms I find fitting for the situation, nothing dangerous of course, I thought it would be something she might enjoy later in her life when you tell her about her uncle Regulus... Which brings me to the root of the letter.

This is the last of our correspondences. I'm not long for the world, you see, and as saddened as I am to not be able to meet you in person, to hold my niece, I must express how happy I am to have met you and learned of her existence. Thank you for that, she is a ray of light that I find myself undeserving of and it's because of you that she was ever a part of my life at all.

On another note; I've set up an account for Ursa at Gringotts and have transferred quite a bit of money into her name should it ever be needed, I've also set aside a few other relics and books that she may or may not want when she's of an age. You should be able to access them through the Gringotts American Branch.

I must ask that you continue to write and have instructed a friend to collect the letters and hide them in a safe place for Sirius so that my mother doesn't attempt anything rash. I've sent Sirius another letter but I doubt he'll open it. We didn't part on the best of terms as you know.

Please take care of yourself Eleanor, I know I don't have to ask you to do the same for my niece but I worry over your stubbornness. I must also ask that should you return to England it be after Voldemort's defeat and only if Sirius comes for you and Ursa.

All of my love,

Reggie.

Below it is a vault number and Sirius assumes Regulus sent a key as well. He can't really think straight right now, too busy fighting his suddenly panicked breaths as they race in and out of his lungs, heart beating a crescendo against this sternum. Regulus had known he was going to die, had known and made sure to do what he considered right by Eleanor and Ursa. He'd taken money from his account and transferred it, taken heirlooms from the vault and given them to Ursa, had asked that Eleanor continue to right for Sirius' sake despite neither of them having spoken since that fateful night in '78.

And the worst of it is that Eleanor had continued to write. She'd kept some unspoken promise to Regulus and appeared to have written Number 12 religiously for years after his death.

The first few of her letters had been forceful, angry, demanding for Regulus to tell her what was going on so that she could help. When there was never any reply she made a conscious choice to write about Ursa, she never addressed the letters to anyone but Sirius doubts they're meant for him even if they're about his kid. Sirius is starting to wonder, with a sort of agonized humor, if Regulus and Eleanor had had some sort of feelings for the other. It doesn't matter now, of course, but Sirius thinks that it makes the situation all the more cruel.

Sirius can't bring himself to read any of the letters sent after his arrest and sentencing to Azkaban. The one letter specifically addressed to him hadn't accused him of anything but Eleanor had seemed strangely supportive; saying that she'd talk to her brother about options and clearing his name because from what Regulus had told her about him Eleanor didn't believe Sirius the type to betray a friend for a madman's cause. It just makes everything worse. Because he'd thought some pretty nasty things of Regulus after his death and are any of them justified? Is there anything Sirius has ever said about his brother after their relationship began to fall apart that was true?

No one ever spoke of how Regulus died, anyone who did said he just disappeared one day and never showed up again. No one mourned his death, no one tried to console Sirius after his brother's death aside from James, Lily, and Remus and only them because they were his friends and it was an obligation. They didn't know Regulus outside of the things they'd heard from Sirius... And those things had never really been kind.

Driven by an all consuming need to know what had killed Regulus, what had taken his brother away from his niece-his family- and possibly even the woman he loved, Sirius stumbles to the door of the study with Regulus' letter clutched in his fist and flings himself into the hall with a loud cry of, "Kreacher!"

The house elf appears seconds later, likely having heard the building emotion in Sirius' tone and knowing that to dally would result in a less then stellar reaction from his master. For a brief moment Sirius feels shame. Regulus had called Kreacher a friend, had trusted him enough to tell him about Ursa or maybe just to handle the letters from Eleanor, either way, Regulus trusted Kreacher and the devotion the elf shows makes Sirius' stomach twist unpleasantly whenever he looks at him.

Because Regulus hadn't trusted him. There had never been an option for Regulus to go to Sirius for help, to ask an older brother to protect his little brother in whatever way he could, and this thinking is more than likely completely reasonable. Would Sirius have listened to Regulus? Would he have believed that Regulus was trying to break away from the Dark Lord? Make a better life for himself?

No.

The answer is no and it makes Sirius sick to his stomach.

"Yes, Master Sirius?" Kreacher asks.

"Do you know what happened to Regulus?" Sirius' voice breaks on his brother's name. "Do you know how he died?"

The reaction is instantaneous. Kreacher begins to rock back and forth on his feet, tugging aggressively at his ears, and mutters about letters and brave, brave Master Regulus even as tears well up in his eyes.

"I cannot say! Master Regulus forbid it! Forbid it!" Kreacher wails as he attempts to put himself as far from Sirius as he can manage without actually running away.

"What did Regulus tell you Kreacher? I order you to tell me how my brother died!"

Sirius watches through his tears as Kreacher wails, "Cannot, cannot, cannot! I cannot Master Sirius! Please! I cannot!" and then he moves to begin beating his head against the wall directly across from them until a small crack appears in the plaster. "Cannot, cannot, cannot!"

"How did he die Kreacher? I ordered you to tell me how he died!"

"Cannot, cannot, cannot!"

The crack turns into a spider's web of splintered plaster and Sirius is quick to wrench Kreacher away from the wall, kneeling on the floor to stare into narrowed brown eyes sunk low in his withered face. He waits until Kreacher has stopped trying to wrestle out of his grasp before giving the house elf a firm shake.

"Was it Voldemort? Did he betray Voldemort in some way?" Sirius learned a long time ago that sometimes it's the less direct questions that get you answers quicker.

After a brief moment Kreacher, trembling and snotty nosed, offers a small nod before pulling from Sirius' loose grasp.

"What was Regulus' exact order to you?" Sirius asks, careful to keep his tone level, to not show just how badly Kreacher and the letters have affected him. He already knew that Voldemort had Regulus killed and had assumed it was because Regulus was a coward that had gotten caught running with his tail between his legs... But what if it was something more?

Regulus would have had connections, he would have gotten away easily enough. He'd have known better than to converse with any of the other Death Eaters about his hesitations and wouldn't have given any hints to his reluctance to serve Voldemort before finding the perfect opportunity to flee in the dead of the night with a satchel full of gold and other precious heirlooms. Which means Regulus did something to make Voldemort suspicious. But what? Had he given someone information? Had he killed a fellow Death Eater? What could Regulus have done to betray Voldemort?

"Reveal nothing, tell the family nothing." and then, "Destroy it, destroy it, destroy it!"

"Destroy what, Kreacher?"

"Oh! Poor, brave Master Regulus!"

Sirius rips away from the distraught house elf, watching through wide eyes as he goes back to hitting his head against the wall. Unable to stand it anymore Sirius retreats to the study and promptly slams the door on the pitiful creature's wailing which still echos in his head.

What did you do, Reg? Sirius wonders as he makes for the liquor.

He pours himself a glass before retreating to the desk which is still covered in letters and photos and fragments of his brother's life. Merlin, it hadn't even been much of one. Sirius had escaped, he'd gotten to go out and be reckless and make his own mistakes, he's so bloody thankful for it now because Regulus hadn't gotten to live recklessly or to make stupid mistakes. He'd been stuck in a position where any mistake would have gotten him killed, did, it did get him killed in the end. Regulus died because he made a choice and Sirius doesn't know all the facts but he doubts Regulus would have died if he'd just been trying to escape.

Would Eleanor know?

Sirius knows where she lives now. He can send an owl, ask if there were any letters Regulus sent her that never ended up in that trunk, or maybe ask if there's something he sent for Ursa that would give them any clues to how he died. Where better to hide something than across the pond where Voldemort's influence hasn't yet taken root? If Regulus wanted to hide something he could have given it to Eleanor. He's back in the study with a quill in one hand and a piece of parchment pinned beneath his other before something occurs to him.

Regulus didn't go to all the trouble of building a bridge for Sirius to burn it with hasty decisions. Writing to Eleanor with his main focus on Regulus and not Ursa could damage whatever fragile bonds their already chaotic family unit might have. Parchment crumples under his fingers as Sirius curls his hand into a fist. No, he can write to Eleanor about Ursa and ask if they can meet, he can ask for a chance to explain, but he cannot focus this letter on Regulus' death. For a number of reasons.

A quick glance at the letters and photos scattered across the desk makes Sirius swallow the bile that's risen in his throat.

Remus will be returning tomorrow, they'll discuss everything then and figure something out. They can go over everything they know about Regulus and Remus can help Sirius draft a letter for Eleanor. Hopefully she'll write him back and tell him he can come to America and meet Ursa, maybe he can bring Harry along too- if he can get him out from under the Dursley's thumb.

With a curt nod to himself Sirius grabs his stack of photos off the desk, magics the mess on the desk back into the trunk, and makes his way out of the study with every intention of going on a walk and hopefully getting a letter sent off for Harry as soon as he returns.