Buckle in, ya'll. This is chapter is a little long and a whole lot of angst! Enjoy!
Chapter 2: BPOV
Bella awoke the next morning with a splitting headache. After her nightmare concerning Edward and Paul, it had taken her nearly two hours to fall back asleep. The fear of having another horrible dream had made it difficult for her to get comfortable and now sleep deprivation was consuming her. It was only a matter of time before she finally had a mental breakdown. Thanking the Gods above her that it was Sunday and she had nowhere to be, Bella forced herself out of bed and downstairs to begin breakfast for herself and Charlie. She knew that he would wake up starving in a few hours and she didn't want him trying to sneak his cereal with the excuse of not wanting Bella to cook. He was getting older and didn't need to consume so much sugar. Bella opened the fridge, pulling out some sausage and eggs that sat on the top shelf. Once she placed the ingredients on the counter, she began a fresh pot of coffee for herself. Making breakfast this morning felt like a difficult task as her mind obsessed over her nightmare. Bella managed to convince herself that Paul had only been in her dreams because of their previous interaction earlier in the day. Her brain didn't need to try and search for hidden meaning, it was only a dream, right?
The sound of the front lock turning snapped Bella back to reality as she whipped around to the door. After watching the lock jiggle back and forth, Bella wearily walked towards the door. Two knocks at the door caused her to jump.
"Wh-who is it?" she asked shakily.
"It's me, kiddo." Charlie called from the other side of the door. "Unlock the top lock for me, will ya?"
Bella did as Charlie asked, moving out of the doorway so that he could enter.
"Hey, Bells." Charlie greeted, walking past her. "Good morning."
To Bella's surprise, Charlie was fully dressed in his uniform. Both his lunchbox and coffee mug in hand. Bella's heart began to spazz as she questioned the situation around her.
"I thought you were already home." Bella said confusingly.
"No, unfortunately I had to stay later," he responded. "Why? Is everything okay?"
Bella nodded sheepishly before making her way back over to the food on the stove. Her brain buzzed as she thought back to the glass of water that had been placed on her night stand. She may have been close to a psychotic break but she wasn't that delusional just yet. She was quite sure that she had only showered and immediately went to bed.
"Breakfast is ready." Bella announced to Charlie, trying to dismiss her paranoia.
Bella and Charlie ate breakfast the same way every morning; in silence. Charlie would sip his coffee, read his paper, and slowly munch on his food while also staring at Bella as he waited for her to do more than poke at her plate. She knew that Charlie thought she was intentionally starving herself, but that simply wasn't true. She stopped feeling hungry after Edward had left. Her appetite seemed to have left him, along with her ability to function like a normal human being. Edward's departure had affected every aspect of her life and now she was paying harsh consequences for it with everything around her collapsing.
"Oh! I almost forgot," Charlie said, breaking the wall of silence that had formed between the two of them. "Would you mind returning Jake's toolbox to him today? He let me borrow it last month and I haven't had much time to go up there myself."
"Sure." Bella agreed reluctantly.
Bella bit her lip as she thought about seeing Jacob after she had wasted the energy to visit him yesterday. She had already decided to be done with him and now she was having to return to his house. Bella let out a sigh before taking her plate to the sink. There was nothing to worry about, Bella assured herself. After all, it had been nearly eight weeks since she had spoken to Jacob. She was sure that she would be able to leave his toolkit on the porch and slip away without anyone noticing. Bella quickly cleaned the kitchen and wished Charlie a peaceful sleep before rushing upstairs to change clothes. Throwing on a pair of jeans and her favorite black sweater, Bella put her hair in a messy bun and grabbed the toolkit, throwing it in the truck. Luckily today was clear skies which meant Jacob was less likely to be home and more likely to be out with his new set of friends.
The drive to the reservation seem to drag itself out more than usual today. Bella was unable to tell if it was because of her anxiety and dread or if time was forever going as slow as possible. Pulling up to the small red cabin that Jacob called home, she immediately noticed her old friend across the reservation on the porch of a house unknown to Bella. Jacob was pressed up against a petite girl with long raven hair. His arms around her waist as he placed kisses on her forehead. Bella watched in disbelief as Jacob moved one of his hands through the girl's hair, a big grin plastered on her face. Bella's heart sank at her current view. Jacob had not only cast her out but also replaced his affection towards another girl without telling Bella a single thing.
Unable to see anything but red, Bella jumped out of the truck and stomped towards Jacob with the toolbox in hand. Her presence quickly became known as she made her way across the land. She briefly looked over to see Sam and Embry staring at her. Bella shot a glare in their direction before locking her eye's on Jacob who had already become aware of her presence. Jacob whispered something to the the small girl before gesturing for her to go inside the house. Bella didn't bother to walk up to the porch where Jacob was standing, she knew she wouldn't be staying much longer.
"Bella-"
"No," she declared, cutting him off. "You don't get to speak. Is this why you have been ignoring me? We can't be friends anymore because you have a girlfriend?"
"You don't know what you're talking about Bella."
"God, Paul was so right about you!" Bella was yelling now. "The second you get a new play toy you toss me out like garbage!"
"You've been hanging around Paul?!" Jacob growled.
She couldn't help but laugh at his lack of depth and perception.
"Of course that's what you choose to focus on!"
"What's going on?" Sam approached the porch. Paul, Jared and Embry following closely behind. Bella rolled her eyes at the arrival of the boys who were sticking their noses where they didn't belong per usual.
"Paul is bad news, Bella!" Jacob shot back, ignoring Sam's question.
"Watch your mouth, pup." Paul warned from behind Bella.
"Why do you care if he's bad news!" she retorted. "You don't want me anymore, remember?"
Jacob said nothing, only looking up past her and at Sam. His fists were tightened as he shook his head. Bella knew she was pushing his buttons but she didn't care anymore. Bella waited a little longer to speak as she looked to Jacob for any type of response. His deafening silence towards her caused her to snap at him.
"God, you're just like Edward! Trying to control me for your own personal gain when you don't even give a shit!"
"Don't you dare compare me to him."
"You're right." Bella scoffed. "That's too much of an insult to Edward. At least he had the decency to tell me in person that he didn't want me around anymore."
"Was that before or after he abandoned you in the woods?"
Bella fell silent as Embry and Jared audibly gasped at Jacob's sharp words. She didn't need to turn around to see their expressions. It was obvious that everyone had picked up on Jacob's venom. She felt the color leave her face as her eyes began to burn. The immediate frown on Jacob's face made it obvious he had instantly regretted his words. Bella sniffled before placing Jacob's toolkit on the bottom stair. There was no point in trying to hide the pain on her face, she knew everyone could see it.
"Charlie asked me to return this for him," she said. "Tell Billy that I won't be coming around anymore."
Not giving him the chance to respond, Bella turned around and pushed past the boys who were still standing behind her. She wanted nothing more than to stare at the ground but she knew it would only cause her to trip and fall. Holding her head high, Bella shuffled back to her truck. She could hear Jacob begging for her to come back followed by Sam telling him to stop. Bella was determined not to turn around and look at him. She couldn't stand the thought of breaking down around the boys. She didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing her misery. Opening the door, Bella cursed at herself for being so stupid. Of course he had found someone else, he wasn't going to wait around for her forever. She didn't blame him for not wanting to. Even though she was hurt, she knew that Jacob moving on was for the best. Her time with him appeared to be officially done and she needed to accept it once and for all. Jacob, Billy, and the rest of reservation, would no longer be a part of her life.
Slamming on her gas, Bella drove off as fast as she could until she felt far enough out of sight. Pulling over to the side of the road, Bella turned off her truck before collapsing completely. The mental break she had been desperately trying to avoid was finally happening. Every negative emotion, all of her hurt and anger and aching that she had attempted to suffocate for so long had finally begun to surface. The harder Bella cried, the heavier the pain and tears became. She clutched her steering wheel with great force as she replayed the way Jacob had triggered her so harshly. His words had been like a knife twisted in her chest and he knew it. He knew how badly he would upset her with his words and he still chose to hurt her. The entire situation had placed her back in the forest with Edward all over again. Her wounds felt fresh and raw as she forced herself to come to terms that no one wanted her. Everyone she had loved had thrown her away like garbage. No one would notice or care if she disappeared tomorrow.
A light knock on the driver's side window brought Bella back to her unfortunate reality. Embarrassed by her current state, Bella quickly wiped her face before looking out her window to see none other than Paul Lahote staring at her. Bella faked a smile at Paul who was giving her his usual hardened and displeased expression. Without asking, Paul opened her door and told her to scoot over to the passenger side. Too drained to speak or argue, Bella did as she was told. She no longer had the energy to fight with anyone, especially Paul. Bella felt Paul's eyes on her swollen face as she tried to avoid making eye contact with him. She turned to look out the windows hoping Paul wouldn't notice she was still crying. Without saying a word, Paul started her truck and began to drive in the direction of Bella's house.
"Jacob's a prick." Paul eventually said. "He had no right to throw that shit about your ex in your face."
Bella had nothing to say to him and Paul seemed to respect that by remaining silent for the rest of the drive. Bella was secretly grateful for Paul driving her home as it allowed her to refocus herself before arriving home. She attempted to do breathing exercises, hoping Paul wasn't paying too much attention to her. Glancing at the clock on her dashboard, Bella noticed it was fifteen past noon. She could only hope that Charlie was passed out in his room so she could avoid his typical twenty questions that followed whenever she visited the reservation. Today was not the day to be asked any questions concerning Jacob. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle it yet. Charlie would be crushed once she told him that his two favorite people were no longer friends.
Paul's loud stomach growl brought Bella out of her daze. Paul carefully pulled into her driveway and stepped out, handing the keys back to Bella once she climbed out of the truck.
"Would you like to stay for lunch?" she offered.
"That's not necessary," he assured. "I need to get going."
Paul's statement caught Bella's attention as she realized that Paul had no way to get home. She had been so caught up in her breakdown that she hadn't bothered asking him how he planned on getting back to the reservation. Paul didn't seem very worried about himself.
"You sure? It's the least I can do, Paul." Bella attempted another unconvincing smile. "Eating one sandwich isn't going to kill you. Then you can run away to the cliffs and never worry about seeing me again."
Paul didn't seem amused by her comment but followed her inside anyway and placed himself at the small table in the corner of the kitchen as Bella grabbed the ingredients she required for his lunch. Bella grabbed him glass of water before beginning his sandwich. She could feel his eyes on her as she moved around her kitchen. Either she was continuing to lose her mind or Paul was super focused on Bella.
"Are you really not going to come back?" he asked, breaking the tension that had begun to form between the two of him. The tone of his question caught Bella by surprise. It was one of disbelief and.. disappointment? Bella only shrugged as her answer. The thought of never going back to the reservation was still unreal in Bella's mind and would take time to get used to.
"Why should I bother? I only came to see Jacob and now that bridge is officially burned. It's not like I have any other friends there."
Bella placed Paul's sandwich on the table and sat across from him in what was usually Charlie's seat. Uncomfortable silence began to form between the pair again and Bella could only sit there and wait for him to leave.
"So our friendship doesn't count then?" Paul asked after taking several bites of his food.
"I wasn't aware we were friends." Bella retorted.
"Sure we are. I saved you from killing yourself two days in a row."
"Excuse me? I wasn't-"
"Listen, Swan. We both know you weren't at the edge of the cliff for shits and giggles. We also both know that driving while having a mental breakdown is asking for bad news."
"You don't know me, Paul."
"Tell me a secret." Paul said, changing subject. "Any secret you have stored in that head of yours."
"Sometimes I wish I had never moved to Forks."
"Because of Edward?"
"It's more than that," said Bella, ignoring his crass tone. "At the given time I truly believed I was doing the right thing. My mother didn't seem to care if I was around and I felt like I was holding her back. Me, the child, holding my own mother back. How ridiculous is that? When I told her I wanted to live with Charlie she pretended like she wanted me to stay. She tried to downplay her excitement and I chose to ignore it. I thought I was doing the right thing. School in Forks was horrible from the very first second I arrived on campus. No one bothered speaking to me except a couple horny boys and my friends Angela and Jessica. Though I use that term loosely with Jessica." Bella laughed.
"I was ready to call my mom and tell her I couldn't do this when I met him.. Edward. He was so unbelievably odd, like he was trying to hide something and I just remembered trying to look past it. I remember trying to ignore him entirely. He was a jerk, I knew it the moment I met him but he was such a charming, inviting being that eventually I made the mistake of looking past his bad behaviors. I had only known him for a short while and yet I was so quick to commit to loving him for the rest of my life. How messed up am I?"
Her words had felt like vomit as she unintentionally spilled her guts to Paul. She wasn't sure if it was his ability to keep his mouth shut or his somewhat warm presence that had allowed her to open up to him so easily. Immediately feeling embarrassed from her moment of oversharing, she unwillingly made eye contact with Paul who seemed unbothered by her story. But then again, he seemed to be unbothered by everything. His facial expression was always stern and never wavered. If he was ever bothered by her, it was never apparent. Paul was impossible for Bella to read and she hated it.
"Sorry, that was heavy. Are we still friends?" she joked.
"Keep making me sandwiches like this and I'll be whatever you need me to be." Paul responded casually.
Bella seemed to once again be the only one laughing. She shook her head at the brooding boy who never appeared to take it easy. The two briefly stared at one another, both of them in a trance as she admired his coffee brown eyes and the way they helped compliment his tan skin. She had never noticed the way his face was sculpted so well. His jawline was immaculate and Bella could easily see how Paul was capable of charming the average woman. The more she stared, the less of a boy she saw. He was definitely a man in every sense of the word.
"Do you still love him?" he asked.
Bella was surprised by his question. Not because of the question itself but because Paul seemed genuinely curious about her answer.
"I think I love the idea of him more than the actual person." she responded. "I know it was all a sham now but back then, I thought no one could ever love me the way he did. It's been a difficult process unraveling all of the lies."
Paul only nodded as he took one last bite of his sandwich. Bella watched Paul stand up and place his plate in the sink to clean it. After he washed the dish and placed it on the rack, Paul picked up her cell phone that was on the counter. Before Bella could ask what he was doing, he placed the phone in her hand.
"I put your number in my phone and texted myself so I have your number as well." he informed her. "You're welcome to call or text me if you ever need anything. I mean that."
Bella stared at her phone feeling unsure of how to respond. She would be lying if she said that Paul's caring behavior didn't freak her out. They had never spoken until yesterday and now he was eating lunch in her kitchen and putting his number in her phone. She felt bad for not being able to take his actions at face value but could anyone blame her? Her head had been manipulated so many times that she was unable to tell the difference between sincerity and insincerity.
"Don't read too much into it." he told her.
"Okay." she murmured, wondering if he was also a mind reader.
"I have to go."
"How are you going to get back?"
"Sam is coming to get me. He should already be close by." Paul explained while making his way to the door. Bella wasn't unsure why, but she had a hard time believing Paul's words. Nevertheless, Bella thanked him again for driving her home and wished him a good day.
"I'll see you around?" he asked, opening the door.
"Maybe."
Paul seemed dissatisfied by her response.
"I'll see you around, Swan."
The tone behind his words almost made his statement sounded more like a promise than a formal casualty. Bella watched as he walked out the door, leaving her alone in her own company again. These were the times she hated being alone the most but she couldn't rely on constant attention and especially not from someone she barely knew. The more Bella thought about Paul's behavior, the more she realized how different he seemed than from the way Jacob had described him. Yes, he was an ass at times but it only seemed to be because he had a low tolerance for bullshit and she couldn't blame him for that. After packing Charlie's lunch for work and straightening the kitchen, Bella decided her best option for the rest of the day was to drown herself in her studies. Tests were only getting harder and while she would be graduating in a few short months, it wouldn't be wise to get lazy now. Once upstairs, Bella grabbed her pre-calculus book out of her bag and began her homework. Before Bella knew it, an hour had passed and it was nearly 3pm. Bella decided to take a break from the subject she hated so dearly and checked her phone. She was taken a back from the number of notifications that appeared on her screen.
(3) Missed Calls from Jacob Black
(3) Voicemails from Jacob Black
(4) Texts from Jacob Black
(2) Texts from Paul Lahote
Bella wearily listened to the first voicemail left by Jacob.
"Bella, please answer me. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for pushing you away over the past two months. There's just a lot going on, please call me-"
"Bella, really? You're really choosing to end our friendship like this? I thought you were better than this. Also, stay away from Paul. He probably just wants you so that he can mess with-"
Bella clicked the end button before the voicemail was finished. Jacob was more upset over her interaction with Paul than he was with his own behavior towards her. Maybe she was blind but as of late, Paul had been the only person to treat her with kindness and respect. They may have not been anything more than acquaintances but Bella appreciated Paul looking out for her, even if he was downplaying it. Bella decided not to give Jacob the satisfaction of listening to his third voicemail and scanned her messages.
I'm sorry, Bells. Please respond. Please. -J
Sophie is my girlfriend but she could never take your spot. Please respond. -J
I'm going to come over if you don't respond soon. -J
I can't believe you're acting like this after everything I've done for you. -J
Bella wanted to scream at the overwhelming sense of entitlement coming from Jacob. He truly believed that she should instantly forgive him just because he had been a good friend to her in her time of need. But for Bella, that wasn't a good enough anymore. Jacob had acted like a child by ignoring her and then burned the last of their friendship with his behavior on the reservation. Deleting Jacob's thread, she clicked on her missed messages from Paul.
I meant what I said about contacting me if you need anything.
Also, don't waste anymore tears over Jacob. He doesn't deserve them.
"Who's Jacob?" she responded before placing her phone back on the nightstand. Once again, Paul was right. Jacob didn't deserve anything from her anymore. Especially not the tears she had wasted on him over the past several weeks.
Bella placed her phone on silent and connected it to its charger. Studying would prove to be difficult with the anxiety forming in her chest. She could feel herself wanting to cave to Jacob and his apologies. She wanted nothing more than to run to him, but he was no longer hers to run to. Thinking back to how happy he had appeared with the girl he now identified as Sophie, she knew she needed to step back from him. Bella would no longer allow herself to rely on men to fix her problems or rescue her from her problems. From now on, she would be her own hero.
Yay, Bella! Finally deciding to pull herself up from her bootstraps and be her own hero. Also, Jacob is mighty manipulative in thinking that somehow Bella owes him for being a proper friend.. until next time! xx