Hi all, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter! I went back into my account and I realized it's been nearly 7 years since I wrote my other Tokka story, and I literally can't believe how fast time has gone by and I don't know where that time has gone. I think (hope) I've matured a bit since then and gained a bit more life experience and insight that will hopefully show itself in my writing.
I appreciate feedback and reviews, but more importantly, hope you are enjoying the story, and staying safe and healthy during the Coronavirus.
Xx, C
Btw, there will be a few time-jumps in this story. Just FYI.
Chapter 2: Kindred Spirits
Toph sits at the long banquet table, arms crossed over her chest, a scowl etched on her face. It's enough that she doesn't want to be here in the first place, but the fact that the music of Ba Sing Se is dull and that this is an alcohol-free event puts a damper on her already foul mood. She sits alone at the table, her feet taking in the world around her. She feels King Kuei and his new wife slow dancing in the middle of the room, Bosco not far behind. Another year, another fucking wedding.
She senses Katara and Aang, clearly exasperated as they try to manage their rambunctious 5-year old, though they seem in good spirits anyway. Some of her officers were invited as well, and they all huddle together in exuberance, enjoying the rare opportunity to take off from work (and the opportunity to flirt with some Kyoshi Warriors, while they're at it). All around them, couples dance and kiss and sway to the music. Toph blows a stray hair from her face in irritation. This is the last place she wants to be right now. She tries to avoid it, but her feet can't help sensing Sokka and Suki slow dancing nearby. She can feel it as Sokka whispers into his girlfriend's ear, and she senses the way Suki's heart flutters in response. Toph rolls her eyes. Ugh, I don't want to know.
Of course, she's here out of obligation. If it were up to her, Toph would much rather have ditched the king's wedding and be at work back in Republic City, and that's saying something. Theft and even violent crime rates have been on the rise lately, and work has been stressful, to say the least. Metalbending is still a relatively new art, and fresh recruits haven't been picking it up as fast as she'd like, which has created a deficit between the high amount of crime activity and the number of officers available to fight it. It's been hard to manage, and she could use a vacation. A real one though, not just an obligatory wedding in Ba Sing Se. At least if she were working right now, she might be able to punch something. Ugh. Is it weird to wish for some sort of emergency right now?
She stews in her mood for a while, fiddling absentmindedly with her space-earth bracelet. Eventually, she senses Zuko approaching. Toph lets an exasperated sigh cross her lips before he sits down next to her, wordlessly. It's not that she doesn't want to be around him exactly. If she can tolerate anyone right now it's Zuko, considering what they have in common. Still, she's in no mood to make friendly conversation. Zuko must sense this, or feel the same, because he remains quiet. The pair sit in awkward silence for a while, as the room continues to dance around them.
After a while, unable to tolerate her growing discomfort, it's Toph who breaks the silence, with a delayed greeting, "Hey, Zuko."
The man beside her raises a brow, his tone teetering on the edge of teasing and irritation, "What, no 'Firelord Hothead'? No 'Sparky'? You must really be in a bad mood."
Toph puffs another stray hair from her face. Damn bangs. "Whatever. Look who's talking," she accuses. Zuko shrugs. More silence ensues. A waitress comes by to refill her cup, and Toph is once again irritated at the "zero-tolerance" alcohol-policy that's in place.
"Listen," Zuko starts after a while, "I think you know that our friends are worried about you. And-"
With an irritated growl, she interrupts, "Ugh, seriously Zuko, I do not want to hear it."
"Hang on! Let me finish." he insists, "I know they're worried about you and keep implying that you need some sort of cosmic intervention or something. But I'm not here to lecture you. I just wanted to say, I know what you're going through. It sucks."
Toph is surprised. Everyone has been walking on ice around her these days. It's not that she doesn't appreciate her friends looking out for her, but the coddling tones and pity she feels from them lately has made her want to scream. Can't they just let her be upset and hate the world for a while and leave her be? Ugh! "Good." She dismisses, gnawing idly at a fingernail.
But Zuko continues, "Look. None of the others have gone through a breakup. Not like you or I have. They think it's easy to move on and forget, but you and I both know that's not the case."
Finally, a look of appreciation breaks through Toph's scowl. She feels drained from constantly feeling angry, sad, and stressed out lately. It feels nice not to have someone berate her feelings for once, but simply show that they understand what she is experiencing. "Thanks, Zuko. I appreciate it. And hey…who am I to complain? You were with Mai a lot longer than I was with Satoru."
"I guess," Zuko considers, remaining stoic, "But you were together 6 years, that's a pretty long time. Regardless, it doesn't really matter how much time you spend with a person. It hurts just the same, if you ask me."
Toph shrugs in return, not sure if she wants to continue harping on it, even if Zuko does understand her struggles.
More to himself than to Toph, Zuko whispers, "It hurts letting go of something you love." His eyes land on a woman in the crowd, but it isn't Mai.
Finally, Toph breaks, the franticness startling the firebender, "That's the thing! I've felt awful since the breakup, and you want to know why? Not because it hurt to let him go. No, I feel miserable because I feel so damn guilty, because it didn't hurt! In fact, it was such a fucking relief! Cause I didn't love him, not the way I should have, not anymore."
Toph's breathing is heavy as she finally admits what's really been weighing on her. People keep assuming that she's heartbroken, and maybe a part of her is. But if anything, she just feels like she's wasted the past 6 years of her life with the wrong person. And now she has to start from scratch.
Perplexed, "But, isn't that a good thing? A sign that it was time to move on?"
"Yeah, it was time to move on, a long time ago. And I knew it. We just didn't click like we used to…But I didn't break up with him. I strung him along for years because I was too much of a coward to break up with him."
"What? Why?" Zuko is surprised to hear Toph call herself a coward, something he'd never thought he'd hear.
"Because," Toph's voice becomes quiet again, her face growing red as she admits, "I was afraid of being alone again."
Zuko takes a moment to consider Toph's confession, not surprised that she seems embarrassed to show any signs of emotional vulnerability. Then again, if anyone can understand being emotionally constipated, it's Zuko.
"I get it. Sometimes it's easier to be unhappy, but with someone, than risk being unhappy and alone."
Toph's arms fly out, vexed, "Exactly!"
"Plus, it doesn't help when you have feelings for someone else. Especially when that person is already taken."
Toph's eyes widen at his insinuation. Did he just? "What!? What's that supposed to mean?"
Zuko lifts a sly brow towards his friend, even though she can't see it, "What, don't you have a thing for Sokka?"
A ferocious blush creeps onto Toph's face and she smacks out a hand to cover Zuko's mouth, "Shhh, would you quiet down!" Not that he was being very loud. She takes the hand away, "You don't know what you're talking about! Besides, if I have a thing for Sokka, then you most definitely have a thing for Suki."
Zuko doesn't argue, but he becomes dejected. With a sigh, "I know."
She was already aware of this, given she's always had a knack for reading people's emotions (that, and Zuko's not very good at hiding it), but she hadn't expected him to admit it.
"I know I shouldn't," Zuko admits, his voice choked with remorse, "And I feel guilty about it. But you're right. It's part of the reason why Mai and I broke up. I never wanted to hurt Mai. Spirits know I had already put her through enough.
"So, I tried to forget my feelings for Suki and focus on my relationship with Mai, but…it wasn't fair of me to string Mai along when I have feelings for someone else.
"It's also how I could see that you have feelings for Sokka. I don't think the others pick up on it – you're pretty good at hiding it. But I recognized the same thing in you that that I see in myself. I guess we're kindred spirits…or whatever."
Toph's takes a second to calm her racing heart, feeling only slightly relieved to hear that only Zuko has picked up on her (very unwelcome) feelings for her best friend.
Of course, she'd had a crush on Sokka back in the day. Back when they were just kids trying to save the world and she was only a budding tween who had never had a real friend before. But then he loved Suki, and Toph moved on, grew up, and fell in love with Satoru, leaving her adolescent crush on Sokka to the wayside. And she had loved Satoru, genuinely and deeply, for a while. But while the limerence for her first love fizzled out, her feelings for Sokka had snuck up on her until it wasn't just some innocent, tween crush anymore.
No. These were the type of feelings that one develops for someone after years of shared experiences, years of supporting one another, of making each other laugh and wanting what's best for each other. The kind of feelings when you become true, best friends with someone…buuut you also kind of want to rip off their clothes.
Not that she would ever admit that to Sokka. As attracted to him as she is, their friendship is more important, too important for her to risk. Well that, and he's not exactly single.
"Look, it doesn't matter if - and I'm saying IF - I have feelings for Sokka. He is clearly very happy with Suki, has been for years. What kind of person, what kind of friend, would I be if I tried to get in the way of that?"
This isn't entirely true, and both Toph and Zuko know this. The past few years haven't exactly been easy on Sokka and Suki's relationship. Long distance only remains steamy and romantic for so long before the novelty wears off. Sokka claims to understand why Suki needs to stay in the Fire Nation with the Kyoshi Warriors and the Firelord's guard. He does his best to be the supportive boyfriend that Suki deserves, but Toph knows that a part of him resents Suki for not putting the same amount of effort into the relationship as he does. She hardly ever comes to Republic City, unless its work related, and its usually Sokka who schedules time to visit her.
On the other hand, Suki finds Sokka's frequent visits and letters to her bordering on needy. While duty compels her to stay in Fire Nation, a bigger part of her actually wants to stay because she likes it. Sokka's constant coming and going only serves as a reminder of her guilt, and makes her feel pressured to make a choice that she's not ready, and doesn't want, to make. Plus, there's the unspoken "Zuko" of it all. Not that Suki has ever acted on or even expressed having feelings for Zuko. Still, whenever the three of them are in a room together, things just don't quite sit right.
Toph huffs, "Besides, even if he was single, it's not like he would be interested in me."
Zuko shoots an incredulous look in her direction, but doesn't point out that he very much thinks Sokka does have feelings for Toph. The Firelord doesn't often see his friends, as they all live in Republic City while he is stuck in the Fire Nation Capital most of the time. But even after only seeing his friends during diplomatic trips or on special occasions over the past few years, Zuko has definitely noticed a subtle change in how Sokka treats Toph. Is he surprised that Toph hasn't picked up on it?
Zuko's doesn't fully understand how Toph's seismic senses work, but he's pretty sure that she can't pick up on Sokka's lingering stares. Or the way that he always looks specifically at Toph whenever he pops a joke, like it's her reaction that matters most. Then again, can't Toph pick up on heartrates? Zuko might be a little more invested in Sokka's feelings for Toph than others, given the implications it would have on his relationship with Suki, but surely if Zuko can pick up on Sokka's feelings than Toph must have some inclination. She's always been pretty good at reading people. If she can't pick up on Sokka's feelings, it's because she doesn't want to. Still, Zuko keeps these thoughts to himself.
Because, what good would telling her do? Toph is right. Sokka is with Suki, and even though the pair have had their problems over the years, Zuko doesn't imagine them breaking up anytime soon – if ever. Giving Toph hope that Sokka returns her feelings would only hurt her more.
Zuko scans the room until his eyes find Sokka and Suki. They seem happy, holding each other close as they dance. Zuko looks back at Toph, and he sees the pain of unrequited love in her eyes.
"I think we both need to move on." Zuko admits.
Toph sighs as she props her elbow on the table, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, "Yeah, Sparky. I think so too."
Zuko can't help but smile at the nickname. At least maybe he helped Toph feel a little better. The two remain in companionable silence for a while before Zuko remembers something.
"Hey, are you free next week? I have to go to Republic City for some uppity dinner event that the council representative is hosting. I was going to go alone… but I could use the company."
Toph sits up, raising a teasing brow at her companion as she crosses her arms, "Firelord Hotpants, are you asking me out?"
Zuko pouts, suddenly embarrassed for suggesting it, "Forget it. Sorry I asked."
Undeterred, "Will there be alcohol?"
"Probably."
"Hmm, okay. I'll go."
Zuko perks up, "Really?"
Toph shrugs, indifferently, "What can I say, you Fire Nation folks have the best booze."
She punches his shoulder, instinctually, and Zuko smiles, feeling grateful to have a friend like her at the moment. They may both be miserable right now, but at least they'll have company.