So Weird Collection VI Chapter 2: Knocking On Heavens Door (MollyCarey), a so weird fanfic

*Warning suicide*

Song: In My Arms
Artist: Michael W Smith

I really wanna see you
I really wanna touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really wanna reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again

They tell me to move on. Finding someone new and create a new life. With new memories. No! No one will be the same! That touch you never failed to deliver, which send shivers down my spine, making me melt every time won't be there. You can't have anyone else, why should I? I made a vow I'd forever love you. I'd never go away. Why did you have to break it!?

It was written in the stars
On the pages of my heart
Oh, that someday I would find
The love I feel for you tonight

Do you remember the day we meet? Everything I thought I knew about love was quickly replaced. You changed my life. Made me whole and complete. I never told you thank you for that. So thank you very saving my soul and allowing me to see life is full of wonder. Or it was for a time. Then you were gone I relearned that valuable lesson life is a bitch. Just for a little while I'm not asking forever I just want to be with you feel the love once more.

On the ocean of our dreams
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight

It surrounds me wherever I go. You went away, but yet you're still here. The reminder of your face in countless photos and videos. On the news at rare moments. Your name escapes our daughter's lips. How can I move on when you won't allow me? How can I forget the way you were able to read my heart? Can you still see and feel what it says?

Nothing is the same without you here. Life has lost it's meaning. It takes loosing something to make you realize how much you needed it. They tell me you're always in my heart. That's not good enough for me! I want you here right now, in my loving embrace, cuddled under a blanket. I want something that I can touch and feel warmth escaping off. When I die you'll be their waiting for me on the other side. When will the wait be over?

Across the waves, across the sea
Separating you from me
Here's a promise and it's mine
I will love you for all time
I'm wishing you were here tonight

Jack has your smile, Fiona your love for life. But their not you. And now has Jack grows and becomes a man I find myself having trouble looking at him. He looks so much like you! Why did he have to inherit more of your genes than mine? Fiona is you in the personality department, the things she has and believes are a complete mirage of all the stuff you held dear. I hate it. At night I find myself crying without any tears, sobbing without making a sound. I will always love you just I fear it's not enough.

Get ready Rick because I'm coming. I can't take the waiting, the reminders or just life in general. We both know I was the happiest with you near. I want that happy feel again. As I slide the twelfth or thirteenth pill in my mouth I'm happy with my decision. The happiest I have been since you left. The room is getting darker, I can't seem to catch my breath as easily. Yes Rick I'm almost there.

Song: Let Me Show You The Way
Artist: Michael W Smith

I'm looking at you, old friend of mine
There's no use pretending that everything's fine
Now don't be so brave, don't be so proud
I want you to know that I'm here for you now

I have been here a hundred times before, more then that I'm not sure of the exact number just I know it's been a lot. But today was different, something was wrong. I'm not sure what exactly or the severity of the situation. Just the feeling my help was needed had smacked me in the gut and kept on hitting me over and over again until I could no longer ignore it. I broke the law by going at least twenty over and passing on the reds. The closer I became the more the imaginary hits became. I stormed through the door without knocking. And raced up the stairs passing by Jack in mid hello. There she was. The reason for my pain, I began to cry.

I can see you hurting and it's hurting me
It doesn't have to be this way...

Her hand tightly held a brown almost orange tinted bottle it's white cap laid on the nightstand. She was sitting in the love seat; her body was limp like a doll that hadn't been stuffed yet. Her eyelids weren't closed but I couldn't see her eyes, they seemed to be rolled up into the back of her head. I knew standing here just taking notes of the scene wasn't helping her. I didn't even know if she could be helped at this point. Why!? Why did she do this? Why had I arrived so late? Carefully as if I was stepping on broken glass with bare feet I go towards her. Reach out with a shaking hand to feel or not feel a pulse. Then I hear it. Rick.

(Somebody gonna hold your head up)
If you let me hold you closer
(Somebody gonna show you the light)
Let me know you
(Somebody gonna hold your head up)
Let me show you the way
(Somebody gonna see you right)

She was mumbling with un moving lips her husband's name. So he was the reason for this scene! I should of read the signs sooner then this, I knew she had been depressed and missed him. Just I never thought it was climax to this level. I run my fingers through her hair while whispering help on its way. Then I realize it's not because I hadn't called 911 yet. I scream out in hopes Annie or Jack would come towards the room. At that moment Molly tries to jerk her head away from me while whispering what seemed like a no. I wasn't going to let her go, not that easily. And not without making sure fights against disease of depression inside of her. I would make sure everything would turn out on the positive side.

I'm feeling for you, feeling so much
When this heart is big enough for the both of us
I'll give you my love if you give me your pain
I'll hold it inside of me 'till you're stronger again

Where were they!? I scream out for help again, I couldn't leave her, I didn't want to. But unless one of them responses to the sound of my voice I just might have to. Finally Annie enters the room, her mouth drops open and her eyes widen. I tell her to call 911 and hurry. She just looks at me in confusion. Unwilling to take the time to explain what I mean I simply scream Jack twice as loud. Molly is still fighting me, fighting life I think. How did come to this? We all get sad and miss people. But she has some many people here who adore her and whom she adores. Myself included. If I were her and had all of this in my life would I understand her actions? I would move heaven and earth to become her now, be the one to die. Finally Jack arrives and he screams out much like I had done.

Well, I hate seeing you so far away
When not a word can say it enough...

He goes to other side of her while taking a hold of her hand. I hated to break the mother and son moment unsure if another would ever be felt for them. But the phone call had to be made. I gently tell him to go get the phone, without thinking he runs out the run and I hear the sounds of someone tripping. He returns with the phone and thrusts it into my hand. I hit the three-digit number and press it to my ear. Molly is no longer fighting I or Jack, she's barely moving at all. Oh please hold on Molly! Don't let go of us so soon. After what felt like an eternity which in reality barely sub passed 30 seconds I hear I voice on the other end of the receiver.

I quickly spit out of the information and the location and promptly hang up. I didn't have time to tell the dispatcher everything going on especially since I knew he couldn't do shit from there. I wish there was something I could do right now, just watching and waiting was destroying me. There was nothing though, nothing that I know of. I felt like I was surrendering to death who stood invisible in the corner. I snap out of my sense of doom and firmly place my hands on her shoulders and start to shake her. While screaming for her not to take the cowards way out of life.

Well, I hate seeing you so far away
When not a word can say it enough...

My tears that had stopped re begin to fall, even harder. Maybe I should just let her go. If Molly had build up 13 years of pain over Rick's death and apparently lived with so much pain; letting her go might be best. No! That's absolutely absurd, I know Molly can be happy. I have seen her smile, heard her laugh. She has temporally forgotten what life can mean Jack looks at me his tears falling just as strongly as mine, he's harder and wanting answers like me. Didn't Molly think of Jack and Fiona? Having lost their father all ready had ripped a hole inside of their hearts. I fear to think of what size that hole would become if her suicide attempt loses that second word. Sirens are heard outside coming up the street until the sound of screeching brakes are heard in the driveway. I turn to Annie and yell at her to go let them in. She leaves without asking for further instructions.

I'll be your rock for this day
When I hear you calling out my name
'Cause I know you'd only do the same for me

I hear his name escape her lips again. I never knew Rick that well, just a young boy when he was alive. But I now hate him. His wife is willing to die and give up every joy of being alive to be with him. From the information I gathered through Fi his death wasn't an accident. His stupid and ill thought plans caused him to leave! Why did she want him? What could he do for her that nobody else can? The paramedics enter the room and push Jack and I out of the way. They pull out equipments of their bags and start to poke and ask her questions. This had to be a dream. The Molly I know won't be in that chair. Won't cause us this kind of pain. But it was.

The stretcher is brought in and they carefully place her on to it. As the paramedics push her out of the room, out of our sights, and possibly life's forever I push over the lamp on the desk. It breaks and the glass spreads all through out the floor. Everything was broken now, one more thing won't matter. I failed Molly. Failed a mission I didn't even know I was on, until now. This pessimist attuide wasn't good for anyone especially her. Just seeing her like that, the way she fought, I don't think a happily ever after ending will be seen today.

Song: Reach Out To Me
Artist: Michael W Smith

Oh, please reach out to me
Open my eyes to see
I'm running from you now
Come rescue me somehow

Why can't they put more comfortable chairs in here? I'm sure they figure people will be seating here quite awhile. Would get padding on them be that difficult or expensive? I don't remember how long Carey, Annie and me had been here. I'm not sure at what point Ned had arrived. Everything was speeding by almost useeable yet at the same time seemed be frozen. My mom. All I want to know is she ok? But they're speaking and not telling us anything. I feel like a little child being told it's a "grown up" conversation. If she was fine I surely would have been told. Then that means… Damn it! Here come the tears again! Crying won't do any good, still I can't help it. No one can.

Another million miles from the truth now
I know there's peace but I can't seem
To figure out how
To stop this race that's taking over me
I'm under the gun I wait for you to see

They brought her right behind the blue curtains of the emergency room and exhort us to this room. I don't know how we reached this part. Everything was fine, perfectly out of the normal. Then Carey came over with the look of terror in his eyes. I was going to follow him up the stairs to see what was bothering him. But I know mom and him have a special relationship he might have wanted to confide in her alone. I wish I had followed him up there, because I could have been able to spend a few extra moments with her. On the ride over the three of us said nothing. Annie played with the radio stations that resulted in Carey turning it off. So we were in silence just the thoughts and pain in our minds were loud enough to echo in a stadium. Now as I wait I want to step back into time so I can enter mom's room before she did what she did.

Oh, please reach out to me
Open my eyes to see
I'm running from you now
Come rescue me somehow

Did I cause this? Did I fail as her son? I must have done something wrong! She was happy and fine when Fi was here, did I not bring her happiness? Now isn't the time to find someone to lay the blame upon, it's a time for hopeful thoughts. But I can't find any. Annie is in the far side mumbling to herself, must likely to that leopard, panther or whatever it is. Carey has his father with him. I have no one. The door opens and the doctor steps in. His face gives no induction of the type message he is about to deliver. I'm not ready to know yet, I'm afraid to hear his words. I want my mommy! I place my elbows on my knees and put my hands over my ears and start to rock back and forth. I feel Ned's hand on my back and a soft whisper of it will be all right.

Another scar from fighting the truth now
Has left me like a stranger to my need now
A masquerade, a game to figure out now
A cruel charade I cannot scream aloud

If the doctor's face is carefully hiding a frown then I am now an orphan. Even if your four, eighteen, or forty three having your parent or parents dead sucks. No words can describe that feeling which lives inside of you. I easily become jealous of Carey and Clu. My friends through out school and around the neighborhood. Including Annie even though her parents in a common sense of the word abandoned her. But at least she and all the rest had parents for things like that to happen. I finally regain my composure and look up. My mind racing with two thoughts. Wondering will the last words I said to my mother be I already finished my history homework? The other question is their any chance the doctor is concealing a smile?

A narrow stretch of road in the way now
A heavy load still hanging on to me now
I'm in a maze that I can't seem to get out
Without a view from these shoulders of doubt

Ned continues to stand behind me, leaning his support on to me. Carey takes a seat to my right and pats my knee as if he were my brother. He is my brother. Annie seems obvious of what is going on, I don't care about her at this moment. She doesn't know this family well enough to know of the struggles and tears we have seen from each other. Fiona. She should be here, Irene too, and Clu as well. We tried calling Seattle no answer. Fi is likely out with some friends having the time of her life unaware of it. I want to be unaware of it all. Irene received the news and is coming but the ride is several hours and there is no short cut to make it shorter. Clu just returned to school from a visit, this morning in fact. I watch the doctor look around the room as if trying to tell if everyone involved with his patient is listening. Then he opens his mouth and says those five words. I'm sorry we lost her. I lose it as well.

Song: All I Need To Say
Artist: Michael W Smith

Sad goodbye
Never quite got said
Now the time is gone
We're movin' on
Even though it hurts so bad
If I could I'd turn back the days
And I'd love again
To be your friend
In a hundred different ways
But we can't turn back the time
The days

Never in my life have I felt any more help less than at this moment. I also have never felt so pissed off. I can't help it. How could Molly possibly do something so stupid and thoughtless!? Never in my life would I ever dream she'd even think about doing something such as she did. I have known people with alcohol, drug and other problems that are too horrible to mention, but they stick it out. Ask for help and keep on asking till the pain is gone. It's Jack and Fiona that will be asking for our help. I know that I must and I will be there for them. Just I wish I didn't have to. I wish I had been a better friend to Mols, listened more.

So if I never said
All I needed to say
I'll say it now
You know I loved you once
I love you stronger today
Please love find me a way
Words I still need to say
But I don't know how

I reach out to hold Jack, to let him know he's not alone. He flinches away from me and goes cowering off to the other side of the room. Away from us all. I was never a typical by the book father with my own kids, how can I do that for Jack? Carey is taking it pretty hard as well; he and Molly did have a special friendship, which I never completely understood. I'm torn between comforting my own son, or Jack who is suddenly nobody's son. Knowing neither will allow themselves to hear any words of comfort. I wouldn't want to hear any either. God this sucks! Truly without a doubt everything is never to be the same. I hate to sound self-fish at a time like this but won't she of realized!? Her death, her suicide would flip the world upside down? I try to tell myself it wasn't her fault, she was sick. But it doesn't help me, and telling the boys those words certainly won't help either.

Can't stand still
Still I can't move on
I need your strength
Need you in me
'Cause a part of me is gone
In time I will know
What I've yet to see
That through all the pain
You hurt the same
And you're standing here with me
And more than anything it's you I need

So I allow myself to listen to them cry. Annie is doing ok, a little too well. She must be holding back her emotions that can result in more trouble in the long run. I wish Irene were here she'd know exactly what to do. The doctor returns with an invitation to see her. A fancy way of letting us know we can say good-bye before taking the body downstairs. Jack for the first time looks for me for advice on what to do. I let him know he should go to the room, we all should. The hallway grows 20 feet with every step we took. At last we arrived to a room with the door tightly closed. I don't want to say good-bye, unwilling to come face to face with the truth. I have to and the sooner the better. So I turn the handle, push the door open and we walk inside.

This wasn't what I was excepting to feel. I thought seeing her lie there with wires, needles, and machines all around would make me cry. And have complete understanding that all this isn't some nightmare even Satan would sweat over. Jack just stares with non-believe looking for the doctor for answers. Carey keeps on repeating I don't understand. The room we entered held a deceased person, but it wasn't Molly.

Song: Love Me Good
Artist: Michael W Smith

Sometimes I feel like this world
Is just one big gigantic merry-go-round
You gotta hold on tight or you get hurled through the air
Yeah, life is a three-ring circus
With clowns and freaks and camels and such
And you never know when you might be attacked by the bears

Wow he's hot! I am defiantly marrying a doctor when I get older. Young right out of school, tall blonde, a surfer type. Just like my Carey. Well actually I no longer want to be with him, he cries too much. It's so embarrassing! In the car I was trying to find a romantic song on the radio to call our own but he won't have any of that. How dare he! In that room with Ned pacing back and forth like an animal locked up like at those places where animals stay at. Jack and Carey crying; ugh it was so stupid! Good thing Conrad was with me. And now this Doctor, this piece of Heaven in front of me. He took us to this room with some lady in it, she's being awfully rude hasn't even said hello or opened her eyes. The boys are screaming are my future husband demanding explanation, I think life is better if you don't understand anything!

Give me love, give me love, love me good
Sometimes I feel like
I'm afraid of my own shadow and then
Sometimes I can feel as bold as Genghis Khan
But I could never live in a yurt
On a diet of Mongolian barbecue
I conquer the world for a moment, then the moment is gone

They start to leave the room, but I want to stay near my hubby. Carey steps back into the room and touches my arm to pull me away. Carey Bell touched me! Wait Annie you no longer like him remember? Oh that's right I forgot, hee-hee. Now we are back to that same room we were just at. I have better things to be doing right now. My husband takes a seat and I quickly snag the one beside him even though Jack was heading for it. My newly found Angel looks over at me up and down. He likes me. Ugh! Not her again! Ned is spouting off about Molly again. What is it Molly day? Well what about me!?

Sometimes I wish I was in a movie
Or some 70's TV thing
Where everything gets neatly wrapped by the end of the show
Yeah, but this ain't Hollywood
And this sure ain't the Brady Bunch
And how this plot's gonna all pan out, I don't really know

I have always been the center of the universe, with my parents, teachers, the Phillips and Bells. I get what I want when I want it. Ever since Carey arrived no one has anything to me! Just rudely yelling if I don't snap to attention right away. Don't they realize Hugo talks really loud and sometimes I can't hear them talking to me? Oh my poor husband! Ned is screaming at him, he's such a meanie! What's the big deal about where Molly is or isn't? She's here somewhere it's not like they would lose her. This place is full of hot looking guys; perhaps I'll find someone with two broken arms who I can spoon-feed?

Jack is crying again. And to think I used to find him cute! Oh I suppose he still is good looking. No Annie! Remember your going to marry this hunky doctor right? Irene is here now, she bores me. No fun at all, at least Molly is fun! I wonder what she's doing right now? Properly cruising the halls for a man of her own. Jack must have over heard it and is upset over his mother's actions. My poor Jackie! Ned and Irene are talking together. So are Carey and Jack. Won't someone talk to me!? Oh good Conrad is here! Hey Conrad! Wait where is he going?! Conrad!

Song: Somebody Love Me
Artist: Michael W Smith

Counting every moment
Biding all my time
Standing out here on my own
Searching for that someone
To heal this heart of mine
And keep me from being alone
But when will it be
And how will I know
I don't want to wait here forever

What in the hell is she doing!? Annie is on all fours on the floor purring like a cat. I seriously worry about this child. I rushed here soon as I could the details I received when sketchy but words like emergency room, Molly made me realize it wasn't something to wait at a better time of my convenience. But now I still don't understand the situation and Ned isn't helping that. I don't think he or anyone else has noticed my arrival. I'm not surprised why would today be any different? If I had an emergency would everyone rush to the hospital? I am to doubt to that. It's always Molly, Molly, Molly! I love her the lady is one of my dear friends just argh! Maybe I should find out the reason of the phone call and see if there anywhere connected to the tears.

Somebody love me
Come and carry me away
Somebody need me
To be the blue in their grey
Somebody want me
The way I've always dreamed it could be
Won't somebody love me, love me

Finally Carey looks up at me finally realizes who I am. He comes up to me and hugs me harder than I can remember him ever hugging me before. A hug full of pain and hurt and not of love, a kind of hug a never want to get. I don't want my baby to be in pain. Yet I must admit I love the idea that he knows no matter how much we disagree I'll still love him. It's good to feel needed even in stressful situations. I whisper in this ear what happened? No I must of heard wrong! He couldn't of actually said Molly might be dead! Now I feel terrible for my previous negative thoughts towards her. Wait what does he mean might be?

I'm waiting for somebody
To dance across the floor
Sweeping me off of my feet
I'm looking for the right one
To open up that door
And offer me a tender retreat
It's like wanting to sing
But needing a song
When will I hear the music playing

I could tell I wasn't the only one desperate for answers. We all looked like we were waiting in line for a fortune teller but are out of tokens. But how could she possibly be dead? She's healthy as a horse. A non-smoker, stopped drinking years ago, wait could it be? That sure would be ironic Jack and Fi to lose both parents to car accidents. Ned motions me over and take a seat next to him. He does something very un-characteristic for him, he puts his arm around my shoulder. I know now isn't the proper time to notice things such as that. Then he said. Just like when Carey spoke to me I couldn't believe it. Suicide attempt.

Was it an attempt or the real thing? Either way there are no words to describe the emotions I'm feeling right now. Why would Molly of all people even for a passing second consider suicide? She has everything and more. The only thing missing is Rick, but that was years ago! I still have trouble believing she hasn't re-married or let anyone been in a meaningful relationship. With everything she has and all these friends why would she!? I would kill for what she has. Some people don't realize how lucky they are. A doctor has entered the room and heads straight for Jack. Being her son that makes the must sense. I can't hear what is being said but soon I hear and see Jack break down. Oh no….

Song: For You
Artist: Michael W Smith

Sittin' in the rain
Water on your brain
Got a hole in your boat
Trying to stay afloat
Has got you down
I've got a wind in my sail
Rubber boots and a pail
I'll throw you a line
Rest assured that I
Won't ever let you drown

I suddenly stopped listening to the words the doctor was speaking to me. The shock was leaking off of my body I was completely dumb founded. She was alive. I still had a mother. I wasn't even angry at the hospital or more importantly this doctor in making a mistake on what patient we were waiting for. Maybe later I would search for answers but right now there is better things for me to be doing. I had to see her if only for a moment to make the words come alive with proof. How am I suppose to take care of and treat my mother now after this? I know the joy of that her just being alive will pass and soon I'll want answers of why. After all she tried to leave me and Fiona can I just pretend that never happened? The best I can do for now is discover why and support her through these gray toned days. I refuse to let her try to depart again.

'Cause when you're up against the wall
You know I'll be here for you, for you
When you rise and when you fall
I'll always be here for you, for you

Ned and Carey are soon by my side having heard the doctors attemption of making a mistake. Hugs and more tears are seen and exchanged. I don't want to hug Ned, I don't want cry along side Carey. And I certainly don't want to be with Annie doing whatever in the hell she's doing. When did Irene get here? I want to be with my mommy. Moments such as these saying mommy only seems like the must logical word. I have to be with her, for her and for myself. But the doctors says she can't have any visitors, but may soon. When exactly is soon? I don't want to wait for soon to arrive I won't be able to. I mumbled to the gang around me I'm doing to use the bathroom and leave that horrible room.

When the plans you make
Fall through and take you
For a loop
Or some bird has flown the coop
And left you stranded
Just lean on me
And together you see
We'll carry the load
Even if we don't
Quite understand it

I had no idea where she could be yet my feet started moving and I allowed them to. It almost as if my heart was homing device connected to her's and it would lead me right to her arms. I don't care about the visitations, I don't care what connection she might be in. Nothing will keep me from her, because what if she takes a sudden turn and nothing can be done for her? No, I must see her! I couldn't believe myself even in the must trying situations I have to be logical and convince myself my actions are ok. It was her door. Well it was just a door but I know she's on the other side of it. I have no idea of what section or even what floor I am now on.

'Cause when you're up against the wall
You know I'll be here for you, for you
When you rise and when you fall
I'll always be here for you, for you

I push the door open slowly scared of being found where I don't belong and step inside. It was her. Sleep in the bed wires and machines around her. Then I saw the most beautiful sight, her chest rise and fall. I walk over and knell beside the bed. And gently lay my hand on top of hers. I want her to awake and tell me how sorry she is. And I would tell her it's ok, then everything would be happy again. Hollywood is crock, she doesn't even know I'm here. She never knows when I'm around. At least not anymore. I hate myself at this moment for my flip flop of emotions. The anger was crawling to the surface an honest an emotion to feel. Still how could I? I had a mother still isn't that the must important thing? As I looked on her face I knew it wasn't.

Song: Help You Find Your Way
Artist: Michael W Smith

It can be wise
Or it can be a paradox
To seek solace in your solitude
And when it feels
Like you're living in a box
You need someone who believes in you
A promise true when tried
I'll be right here by your side
So whenever your need be
Know that you can lean on me

I found him where I knew he would be. I stare at them from the still open door taking in the image of her. And unwilling to interrupt Jack from this moment of time. Molly was alive. All the chances of saying things I had always wanted to do but never did could be said now. It was like a brand new start for everything, each of us holding new cards in this poker game. I won't throw away my ace this time, she would have to know. I want to rush it the room knock Jack onto floor and kiss her lips. Like the fairy tale stories she'll awake and fall into my arms. I lost her once, completely all my fault. If I had told her of my love let her know I was waiting for her. She would of turned to me for help before making such a drastic move.

I'll help you find your way
I'll help you find your way
When you're lost in all the madness
When you're blinded by your doubt
When you need someone to be there for you
I'll help you find your way

Before I feared these feelings, stuffed them down deep inside. Telling myself it was wrong, just a school boy style crush. Not anymore. I love her and she needs me too much to pretend everything is normal and only a friendship. It's a shame it takes a tragedy to help me see this clearly. I don't care if Molly might reject my love, all that matters is she knows someone loves her. Maybe I'll never replace Rick I might never come close. I don't care to try though. Jack spots me from my position and motions me in.

Don't keep your thoughts
Locked behind your cellar door
All shrouded in a mystery
Just let them out
That's what friends are for
To give without giving the "third degree"
No need to be ashamed
I've been thru' it just the same
So when your path misleads
Know that you can call on me

I go to the opposite side as he and take a hold of her other hand. It was warm, what a wonderful feeling! Without caring about what Jack might think I raise her fair hand to my lips and kiss it. A simple kiss from an outside spectator might not mean, to me it held the world. In my head I tell Molly everything I only dreamed of, some how for some reason I feel as if she can hear me. I want to hear the thoughts trapped inside of her, I'll listen calmly and pass upon no judgment. Judging I fear will become Jack's job, I know him too well to let this pass by. And my parents will want to talk about it tell she's of it all and tries to escape again. That's why she needs me.

I'll help you find your way
I'll help you find your way
When you're lost in all the madness
When you're blinded by your doubt
When you need someone to be there for you
I'll help you find your way

A nurse walks in, the sound of her steps and sigh tell us she isn't passing out cookies. It's a closed room we must leave no exceptions. I don't bother fighting, I saw her this moment could last for hours. Jack and I head back to that room unsure what the next move is to be. He has so much hostilely to kills me to watch him suffer. But I can't save him and Molly both. Plus he's a strong kid and has Annie to talk to. Ugh never mind about that statement. I don't understand how my dad has managed not to hog tie her down to stop her from jumping chair to chair. Just a short hour ago we thought our world had vanished. It hadn't just it would be different. I don't care how different. Molly was still here everything would fix itself in the end. I hope.

Song: A Way
Artist: Michael W Smith

Caught in a dream of where I want to be
Wrapped in a web of where I am
I feel a wall between what is and what should be
You find me waiting for a miracle
You hear me praying for a plan
You are the only one prepared to rescue me

I didn't want him to leave, either of them. But I couldn't call out to stop them; I couldn't even open my eyes. I knew they had been there. Jack. My poor Jack. I never even thought of him and what my actions might of done to him. I felt so much shame and thankfulness to be alive still to make it right. I could do right by him and Fiona no more looking into the past just to the future. I had a future. Then there was Carey. Sweet loveable Carey. He has helped me out before when I was on the brink of destruction. Why hadn't I called him before I took the pills? He would of rescued me convinced me it wasn't worth it. I didn't call because I didn't want to stop.

Then you take away the distance
Found between the truth and me
And you give a simple reason to my restless rhyme
Whoa, hide me in the heaven
You have held within your hand
And make a way to find a way to soothe my mind

I miss Rick and always will. I don't think you can be madly in love with someone share your deep secrets and one day pretend it never happened. But I now know I can't return to the past it's gone to be remembered but not relived. Ned and Irene have always been great friends, I am sure our friendship will grow even deeper. I think I'll have Lisa come and get Annie, I love her just I think she'll feel out of place. Anyways the school year is almost up. I can't stop thinking about Carey. And what he did for me just moments ago without even realizing it. He loved me. Gave me reason not to swallow another bottle of pills the next chance I got. It's a shame the love of my son couldn't make me see the error of my actions. There are just some kinds of loves that are sacred and do certain things to you.

There is a way that might seem right to me
A dim reflection of what's good
Just an illusion of the best that I can be
But there's another path you offer me
I wish I always understood
Some way you see right through my thoughts
And know my needs

I don't know if I'll express my thank you in words, at least not anytime soon. I realize the first I will need to do is mend the relationship between my children and even more importantly inside of myself. Then later when the world is aligned perfectly on it's axis I'll speak to Carey. I want to get Rick's image out of my head. I can't believe I was so stupid! I know he'd never want me to do what I had tried to do he'd want me to live on and be happy. I tried though, I really had. Lies on top of fabrications was all I was. Did send Rick send Carey word some how of my turmoil to save me? How else could he have known to enter my room at that exact second in time? Or was it just another example of the countless ones I have ignored over time that he can read into my heart?

Then you take away the distance
Found between the truth and me
And you give a simple reason to my restless rhyme
Whoa, hide me in the heaven
You have held within your hand
And make a way to find a way to soothe my mind

The doctor enters and fools with the cords connected into me. I want to tell him thank you for just doing his job and saving my life. I still can emerge from this sleep, but I'm grateful it's just sleep state and not the illusion of death. I know I'll awake soon, this is chance granted to me to reflect on my life and where it went wrong. I'm not sure exactly where or when it did, I no longer care. I suppose you have to hit rock bottom to begin again in life. In a way I don't regret doing this because I know I shall ten times the person I was. I will not fail Jack or Fiona again. I shall show Ned and Irene I am no longer forever sad and depressed Molly Phillips. More importantly I shall let Carey know I don't take his love in vain. I take nothing in vain. I hear footsteps trying unsuccessfully to be quiet. It's him. Carey. Finally I feel the invisible tape being pulled from my eyes and I open them. To find myself staring directly into his beautiful eyes lit up with joy. Yes, I'll be all right now.