A/N: Thanks for your reviews. As a thank you for those of you who gave me support and encouragement not just for this story but for my new job as well, I'm giving you this chapter early!
Chapter 2
Early that evening, Johanna filled two plates of the dinner she had made and carried them into the dining room where Elizabeth was already seated at the table and waiting.
"I thought you were inviting Katie," Elizabeth remarked as Johanna sat her plate down in front of her.
"I did; she said no," Johanna replied as she picked up the knife and fork and began to cut Elizabeth's meat for her.
Elizabeth watched as her daughter-in-law cut her meat, feeling as always, a sense of helplessness. That last stroke she had had done a number on her. For awhile she hadn't been able to talk very well and the left side of her body had barely functioned at all. She had been ready to give in and die…to go join her husband and son and be put out of her misery. Johanna had had other ideas. She still couldn't figure out why her daughter-in-law had taken her will to die so personally but she had…and she had fought her with a fire that no one had seen in years. She told her in no uncertain terms that she was going to live…one way or another. She had yelled, she had nagged, she forced her to do her therapy, forced her to eat…was totally and completely relentless in getting her well. Andrew had joined her campaign…and finally she stopped fighting against them…started doing what she was supposed to be doing. She regained her speech…she could walk again…a good bit slower than she used to and she used a cane but at least she was mobile. Her left arm was the worst of it; and even with all the therapy she had endured, they couldn't return it to its full mobility. Her left arm while not totally useless felt as though it was. She had to have help with things that required the full use of two hands and things that required the finer motor skills, like cutting her meat, was a chore best left to someone else. It was humiliating…but at least Johanna never made it seem as if she was doing it out of pity. She never made any remarks about it that would make the situation feel worse…unlike her own daughter did. No, Johanna merely did what needed done and treated her the same as she always had, and for that Elizabeth was eternally grateful. When she finished, her daughter-in-law laid the knife down, poured a little gravy over the meat and handed the fork to her. "Thank you," she murmured; her gaze on her plate as always when the gesture was completed.
"You're welcome; do you need anything else from the kitchen?"
"No; I'm fine," Elizabeth answered as she stuck her fork into her potatoes. "Why did Katie say no? She hasn't been around here in forever."
"First it was work and then it was that she has plans…and we seem to be at odds although I don't know why," Johanna answered as she tended to her own plate.
"You must have some idea."
"Oh she acts like it's a crime that I like to spend time with her," Johanna replied; "And really she ought to be thankful that I want to; sometimes she's downright unlikable."
"She gets that from her mother," Elizabeth said out of habit.
Johanna glared at her. "Eat your dinner, you old bag."
The old woman laughed. "Don't get so testy. What's up Katie's ass this week?"
"I made the mistake of asking her to come have dinner with me tomorrow since she couldn't join us today. She goes on this tirade that I'm too needy; that I want her around all the time and she can't be around…stuff in that vein…so I won't make the mistake of asking her to do anything ever again. My God, she acts like I don't know that she's grown and has a life of her own; I do…I just thought maybe we could have a meal together once in awhile or go shopping or something. She used to be fine with those things…but I've felt her pulling away over the last few years…and especially now that Jim's case has been closed. I think she wants to put him in the past and me along with him…I'm just a reminder of what used to be."
Sympathy flicked across Elizabeth's face. "Oh, I don't think it's that. It's probably that writer she's always with," she sniffed. "I don't buy for a minute that she hasn't let him get what he's been after."
"Oh I don't think she has just yet," Johanna remarked as she picked up a bite of potatoes; "But it's only a matter of time…it seems like things are moving along in that area."
"Mhmm; and I'm not taking her side; but you can't expect her to want to have you hanging around all the time."
"I don't hang around her all the time!"
"You'd like to though."
"No, I wouldn't."
"Mhmm, sure."
"I haven't even told you the worst of what she said," Johanna remarked as she stabbed a piece of her meat.
'Well let's hear it."
"She says I need to find a man!" she exclaimed in outrage. "She said it's time for me to move on and find someone else to fill my life so it doesn't all have to be on her. Can you believe that?!"
Elizabeth chose her words carefully. "You can't blame her for wanting you to move on…you're not getting any younger."
"What's your point, Liz?" she asked pointedly.
"My point is that Katie doesn't want to be the only person you have…she wants someone to share the burden."
The burden, Johanna thought to herself as her food turned to sawdust in her mouth.
"Katie feels that your life is a bit empty without Jimmy."
Her stomach twisted as it always did when Jim was mentioned. "There's no denying that there's a large hole in my life," she said quietly; "But I have Katie and I have you, my family, friends…I'm fine."
"I'm not going to be around for you to fuss over forever, Johanna."
She swallowed hard. "Am I around too much, Liz? Have I been bothering you with my presence? It wasn't my intent; I was just trying to help you stay in your home as you wanted."
"No, you're not bothering me!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "If I didn't want you here, I would've told you long ago…I just don't want to hold you back. I don't want you to think I'd hold it against you if you wanted to start seeing someone. It's been a long time…much longer than a lot of people wait. I won't be angry with you, Johanna, if you want to start seeing someone. No one can accuse you of betraying Jimmy's memory or loving him any less. You are getting older…and I know all too well how much loneliness comes with the territory of being a widow. So if you're afraid I'll disapprove or won't want you around, you don't need to worry. It won't change things between us."
Johanna shook her head. "I don't want it, Liz."
"Are you sure about that?"
"If I wanted someone else, don't you think I would've found someone before now?" she asked. "I love Jim…there's no replacing him. You didn't go out and find someone else after Robert died…so why should I?"
"I didn't say you had to," her mother-in-law replied; "I was just letting you know that if you did, it would be okay…I wouldn't think less of you."
"I appreciate that but I just can't stomach the thought of finding someone else. I just can't. It would feel like cheating…and I'm never going to feel the way I did with Jim so why bother?"
"I understand that feeling. If you don't want it, you don't want it."
"Yeah, well it's Katie's bandwagon topic lately."
"So what are you going to do?" Elizabeth asked.
Johanna shrugged. "I guess when it comes to Katie I'll just back off for the most part. I mean I don't call her fifty times a day or anything, I do have a job and things to do…but maybe I'll just let her call me when she wants to talk. As for me myself…I'm not going to go out and find a man because everyone has this delusion that I need taken care of…like I'm some little kid or some old woman. I take care of myself."
"I hope I didn't give you the impression that I think you need someone to look after you," her mother-in-law replied as she pierced a piece of meat with her fork.
"No…it's just other people that give that impression including my daughter. Like you said, she's probably afraid that I'm going to be her burden one day…well she doesn't have to worry. When I get to be your age, I'll just go sign myself in at some retirement home and be done with it."
Elizabeth gave her a small smile. "I don't picture you in a retirement home anymore than I could see myself in one."
"Yeah; it's hard for me to picture too. I'll probably just stay home like you do. You do pretty well; I mean I come over and help you with things and so does Andrew but you do pretty well."
"Because you made me," she replied. "If you hadn't; I'd be in that nursing home Madelyn and Michael were all for sending me to."
"I wouldn't have let them do it, Liz. I would've taken you home with me if need be…and you know that you can move in with me if you ever want to."
"I know," Elizabeth said sincerely; "And I appreciate it…but while I'm able, I want to stay here in my house…this is where I raised my kids…it's where I had Robert."
"I know," she said softly. "I still remember Madelyn telling me to sell my house after Jim died. I couldn't do that…I already lost enough…I wasn't going to lose our home too."
"I don't blame you," the older woman said; "Madelyn said the same thing to me when Robert passed. She thinks if you just remove yourself from everything that reminds you of them that it makes the pain and grief go away…it doesn't…but you know how she is."
"Oh I know…not to be ignorant, I know she's your daughter…but Madelyn doesn't seem to feel too deeply."
"She doesn't," Elizabeth said without batting an eye. "She gets that from her grandfather. But getting back to Katie; it does seem a bit sudden for her to start on this dating thing."
"Yeah, well, she and her writer are having an at home date tonight…they're testing the waters as she calls it…so I guess she wants me to hurry up and find some sucker to latch onto because she's going to occupied for the foreseeable future."
Elizabeth nodded. "Makes sense. So tell me, am I going to like this writer whenever it is that she brings him around? Or am I going to have to try to fake it?"
"When have you ever faked it?" Johanna said with a laugh.
Elizabeth grinned a little. "I've done better faking with the grandchildren's significant others than with my children."
"Well, Liz, to answer your question, I don't really know what you'll think of him. I don't know him all that well myself. He seems like a nice man…but then on the other hand, I think back several weeks ago when Katie was on my couch crying about how he was flaunting some bimbo in her face and saying that he needed fun and uncomplicated in his life…which seemed to imply that she wasn't those things."
"He does have a reputation," her mother-in-law remarked.
"Yes…but not much of one lately. I don't know what the hell they're doing to be honest. Seems like I only get an update when she's upset with him. I guess they're working out whatever their issue is. We'll see how it goes."
"How are you going to get her off the dating topic?"
"Bringing up a need for grandchildren seems to help temporarily," Johanna replied; "Other than that I'm thinking of getting a cat. A cat would keep me company at home."
Elizabeth considered that with a nod. "A kitten or a full grown cat?"
"A kitten of course, I want to raise it."
Her mother-in-law smiled. "If you get one, will you bring it over?"
"Sure I would…do you want a kitten? I'll get you one."
"To be honest, I kind of think about having a pet…it can't be a dog because I'm allergic to dogs. That's all the kids ever wanted was a dog…they wouldn't consider a cat. Robert was under the delusion that if I was allergic to dogs then I had to be allergic to cats too. I think he just didn't like cats all that much and I was a convenient excuse and a way to keep the kids from asking for one."
"Well then let's think about adopting kittens; we can each get one…I'll bring mine over to play with yours."
"Maybe we could get siblings."
"Maybe so. We'll give it some thought."
"Don't tell Katie," Elizabeth stated. "She'll say you're turning into an old woman."
"Oh believe me I won't…she'd really think I needed a man if I told her I was thinking about getting a cat."
"She's probably going to be on your back about it for a good while."
"I just won't answer the phone. She only called this morning because she got calls telling her I hadn't shown up to work yet."
"Did you sleep in?"
"No," she replied; "I took flowers to Jim…it's the anniversary of the day we met…also the anniversary of the day we became a couple. I just needed to spend some time with him."
"How long has it been?" Elizabeth asked.
"Thirty-nine years since we met…thirty-six since we started dating. Katie finds all of these anniversaries ridiculous but I can't just forget about them."
"Of course not. Are you going to stay for awhile tonight?"
"I always do," Johanna replied; "Unless you don't want me to; are you having company?"
"No; I just wanted to make sure you were staying…I know you're probably feeling a bit blue today given the circumstances…but I like when we watch TV together."
"I'm here for the evening, Liz; just like always."
Her mother-in-law nodded; a small smile of relief on her lips. "Can we wash my hair after dinner is cleaned up? I'm due for it to be washed."
"I already had it in mind," Johanna replied; she did her best to keep Elizabeth on schedule when it came to tasks she needed help with. Her left arm wasn't any use to her in the hair washing scheme of things since she couldn't raise it too far and so she always washed it for her at the kitchen sink. "We'll get it taken care of as soon as I have the dishes washed."
Satisfied with the answer, Elizabeth turned the topic back to her daughter-in-law. "Did you get into trouble for being late to work?"
Johanna swallowed a bite of her dinner. "I got in trouble but not for being late."
"What did you do now?"
"Oh that Calvin I told you about keeps after me and I told him today if he didn't knock it off he could see my gun up close and personal. Mark got into a tizzy about it and threatened to fire me…I told him to go ahead, I don't care."
Elizabeth's brow rose. "You don't?"
She sighed. "Honestly? No, I don't. I think I'm ready to retire, Liz…I just don't want to do it anymore. When he threatened to fire me today I told him I was planning on retiring. I said I'd finish out the year…but part of me just wants to finish up my current caseload and be done with it. I'm tired of it, I really am."
"I never thought I'd hear you say that," her mother-in-law replied; "A few years ago your whole life was me and work…until they found you laying on the floor in your office."
Johanna swirled her fork around in her potatoes. "I was looking for ways to drown, Liz. I tried to drink it away and that didn't work…not with Katie on my back constantly. I tried to make it go away though exercise…thinking if I just ran enough I'd be able to run away from everything that was wrong in my life…but you and Katie didn't like that either."
"That's because you were losing weight," Elizabeth remarked. "You've always been thin; but when you were in the gym all the time …you looked like a damn bone. It wasn't healthy…it scared me," the older woman admitted. "I'm glad you stopped…I'm glad you're back to your normal weight."
"I still run," Johanna admitted; "Just once or twice a week now…not every day."
"I know...but then in between taking care of me, you burned yourself out at work…that's why you were laying on the floor that day. That's why you practically lived here with me for eight weeks."
"I know…I just wanted to lose myself somehow…but I know now that it doesn't work."
Elizabeth wasn't so sure it was because it didn't work…she thought perhaps it was because Johanna had decided that caretaking was a better, more healthy vice that wouldn't get her into trouble. "You really think you're ready to retire"
"Yeah; I do…I don't have much faith or passion left for the job. I'm tired of dealing with the people I work with; Sharon constantly telling me I need to find another man like that would cure me of everything they think is wrong with me. Mark was harping on it today, telling me I need to move on, learn to love again…you don't learn to love someone…it happens on it's own or it's not meant to be. I can't ever love anyone the way I loved Jim…and no one can love me the way he can so there's no point in trying. I get tired of dealing with colleagues…I don't mind the younger ones…I don't mind helping them find their footing and getting started; the girls are kind, the men look at me as a mother so there aren't any issues there. It's the men in my age bracket that are the problem…the married ones don't bother me…it's the single and divorced ones that bother me. Like Calvin…and Mark thinks I should just put up with it and give in, go out with all of them who ask me because I'm offending the men…and he doesn't like me to threaten them…so basically it's do what everyone wants or get out…so I'm going to get out, Liz; because I just can't stand it anymore. I should be used to it after thirteen years…but instead of getting easier to ignore, it's just getting harder. It just gets to me more and more and I can't stand it. It probably sounds stupid…but I'm just so tired of so many things."
Elizabeth studied her daughter-in-law as she sat across from her, her head lowered as she played with her food more than eating it. They hadn't always had the easiest relationship…but time and the birth of Katie had soothed and settled things through the years. Oh they still had had the occasional blowout…once in awhile they still traded barbs when someone was feeling froggy…but over the years, especially after the passing of Johanna's mother Naomi, Elizabeth found herself taking on the maternal role in her daughter-in-law's life. She didn't mind…and she hoped that Naomi wasn't offended when she stepped in to do what she thought Johanna's own mother might when she was troubled. Johanna had been there for her when a lot of people hadn't been…and she tried to return the favor whenever she could.
"Then I think it's time for you to retire if it's what you really want," she stated. "You've given thirty-nine years to the legal profession…you own your home free and clear, your car is paid for, Katie's schooling was paid for. You have your own money and investments…and Jimmy left you provided for…there's no financial reason that you have to continue if you don't want to. Why should you? Why should you have to put up with harassment? You're a grown woman who has already been married…had a good, strong marriage; had a child and raised her to adulthood. You're not some twenty year old who doesn't know what she wants from life; you're a sixty year old woman who has already had what she wanted and has every right to decide what she wants for this stage of her life. It's no one's damn business if you wish to remain single. There's nothing wrong with it."
"No one else seems to see it that way," Johanna said as tears filled her eyes. "Do you know what Calvin said today?"
"What?"
"He said it's time I start acting like I know my husband is dead," she replied, hurt spreading across her features.
Fury flashed in Elizabeth's bluish-grey eyes. "That bastard!" she exclaimed. "Who the hell does he think he is?! I've got half a notion to go down there and give him a piece of my mind!" she yelled, flinging her napkin onto the table. "If he's that desperate for a woman that he has to shame one for still loving her deceased spouse, then tell him to pick up a hooker on the way home, they're his class of people anyway."
"I wish I had thought of that," Johanna said as she wiped away her tears. "I just threatened to show him the gun."
"You should've pulled it out of your purse and put the fear of God into him. Jimmy should strike him from above."
"I keep asking him to do something about it…so far he hasn't."
"Well while we're waiting on divine intervention," Elizabeth said; "Why don't you have Andrew come down to your office."
"For what?"
"He can take you to lunch…your colleagues can think he's your date."
"Sharon knows Andrew is my brother-in-law."
"So? Let her think it's something it's not. Just play a game of pretend."
"Oh yeah, I can just hear her right now…you're going out with your brother-in-law! She'd have a field day with that."
"Well tell her picking a man is like picking a puppy; you have to find the right breed to suit you…and you've had success with the Beckett breed in the past."
Johanna nearly choked on her drink. "Liz!" she sputtered.
"Well! That would give her something to chew on. I don't like her anyway…I know she's your friend but I just do not like that woman; and if she was any kind of real friend, she'd respect your feelings and she'd do her share of telling people to back the hell off. So get Andrew down there and do a little pretending while you finish things out at your firm. Andrew will do it for you, you know he will…you do so much for him and Gabby…you've helped raise her…you still are. He wouldn't hesitate to help you."
"I know…I'm just not sure it will work."
"You won't know unless you try."
She took another sip of her soda. "I wonder if it would work on Katie?"
"No, Katie definitely won't buy that you're dating Andrew," Elizabeth remarked.
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I didn't mean the exact setup…just what if I let her think I'm seeing someone."
"It might work…but she'll want to know who he is."
"Maybe I could make something up."
"What happens when she wants to meet him?"
"We break up; he doesn't like meeting the kids of women he dates."
Elizabeth laughed. "I'm not sure she'll buy that one. If you pretend you're seeing someone to her, eventually she's going to want to see him….then what?"
Johanna sighed. "I don't know…I'll just have to think of something. If she thinks I have a man around she'll feel better and she'll go on with her life, content that I'm dealt with and she doesn't have to worry as much."
"Is that what you think she wants?" her mother-in-law asked.
She nodded. "Yeah…I do. She's moving on…and she should; she can't let her father's death define her…I've been telling her that for years…so she should move on; I just think she wants me to stay in the past with him. We used to be so close…and then when we lost Jim it was like she slowly started pulling away…I fight against it…sometimes I win…but the last few years I feel like she's winning…I feel like she's more distant; and now with Jim's case resolved…I think she just wants to forget…and she can't do that if I'm not taken care of in her mind. She doesn't seem to think I can take care of myself…so I'll have to find some way to make her think that things are the way she wants them."
"I don't think she wants to forget you, Johanna."
"I'm not so sure…when Jim died, I not only lost my husband…I lost part of my daughter too. I've always wondered if some part of her blames me…maybe she thinks I knew what he was working on and that I should've stopped him…but I didn't know. Once we stopped working together when she was three, he stopped sharing a lot about his cases. It's just how it is for lawyers who work in separate firms…you have to be careful not to breach confidentiality. But maybe she blames me in some way…hell, I blame me for not knowing…so why shouldn't she?"
"It's not your fault," Elizabeth said firmly. "There's nothing you could've done, Johanna. It was out of your hands."
"Maybe he wouldn't have been working that day if I hadn't proclaimed that Saturday as girls day," she said quietly. "If he had been with us, it wouldn't have happened."
"Johanna…you know Jimmy wouldn't have been interested in following you and Katie into every store in the city on the quest of buying new spring wardrobes for the two of you."
"We could've made other plans…we could have…"
"Johanna," Elizabeth said, her voice stern. "There was nothing you could do. If this man was so determined to be rid of Jimmy, it would've just happened on a different day. Jimmy probably knew the potential for danger in that case and that's why he didn't tell you. He wouldn't have wanted you to worry."
"I just wish I could've done something," she cried. "I would've done something…anything."
"I know," her mother-in-law said gently; "And if Katie has half a brain, she knows it too. You're not the only person she's more distant toward…she doesn't want to be close to people…because it hurts when you lose them…so she thinks if she just stays distant, it won't hurt so much in the end. She's wrong though…and maybe one day she'll wake up and see that."
Johanna wiped her eyes once more. "I'm sorry, Liz; I'm kind of a mess today for some reason."
"Oh I think you've got plenty of reasons," the older woman replied. "You're thinking about Jimmy a lot today…and I know, you think of him every day just like I think of Robert every day…but this date has meaning to you so he's even more present in your mind. You're dealing with people pushing you to do things you don't want…you're thinking of ending your career…you're worried about your relationship with your daughter. I think you have plenty of reasons to fall apart today. It's not like you do it all the time…you keep up a good façade most of the time…it's just that once in awhile you let it crumble…and it's okay. God knows you've seen mine crumble enough."
"I guess that's just our way," Johanna murmured; "We can only go so long before cracking."
"That's the truth. Finish your dinner…I don't want Katie yelling at me if you lose an ounce."
She smiled. "Just yell back…she doesn't last long in battle with you."
Elizabeth grinned. "That's because she knows she's going to lose anyway. Don't worry; Katie isn't going to abandon you…she'll want you as soon as she ends up unmarried and pregnant…that seems to be how it works these days. Her and that writer will fool around one too many times and you'll be babysitting a newborn before you know it."
Johanna sighed a little. "It's a good thing I'm planning on retiring in that case…but at least I'll have something to do with the extra time."
At a little after nine that evening, Johanna carried a glass of cold water into Elizabeth's bedroom and placed it on the nightstand. She picked up the remote and clicked on the television for her mother-in-law and then turned back the covers for her as she always did on her nights to see Elizabeth tucked safely into her room for the night. She fluffed up the pillows as Elizabeth made her way into the room. "Is that show on I like to watch?" Elizabeth asked.
"I'll look," Johanna replied, picking up the remote once more and searching the channels for a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. She liked the show herself but had always been a little surprised that Elizabeth liked it so much. But of course her mother-in-law always had surprised her through the years when it came to sitcoms…she had been a fan of Roseanne, Reba, Home Improvement and recently Elizabeth had even started watching Modern Family after she had mentioned to her that she enjoyed the show. She flipped enough channels that she finally found the reruns the older woman wanted. "There's Ray," she said, taking Elizabeth's cane so she could slip out of her robe.
"Good," her mother-in-law said as she laid the robe at the foot of the bed and allowed Johanna to gently guide her to her side of the bed where she sat down as her daughter-in-law positioned her cane between the bed and the nightstand where it would be within her reach when she needed to get up.
"Do you have everything you need?" Johanna asked, her gaze scanning the nightstand. The phone was within reach, as was her remote and glass of water.
"Hand me my magazine, please," Elizabeth said with a nod at the copy of Better Homes and Gardens that laid on the far side of the nightstand.
Johanna gave her the magazine and then stood by as Elizabeth got herself situated and then she drew the covers up over her. "All set?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," Elizabeth assured. "Make sure the lamp is on in the hallway…I think it's on but make sure when you go down."
"I always do," she replied. "Call if you need me."
"I will. Make sure the house is locked up."
"I will."
"Be careful getting home, dear."
"I'll be careful," Johanna promised. "I don't have far to go."
"I know…but it's dark out."
"I leave the kitchen light on and the light on the back porch," she told her. "I've got plenty of light to see by…the headlights of the car give me a good look at the backyard when I'm pulling in the driveway."
Elizabeth nodded. "Be careful anyway."
"I will," she said; kissing her cheek. "I'll call you in the morning."
"Alright; goodnight."
"Goodnight, Liz," Johanna said; double checking that everything was taken care of before she left the room.
Elizabeth leaned back against her pillows, listening as Johanna made her way downstairs. She reached for her remote and turned down the TV so that she could hear her daughter-in-law when she went out the front door. After a few minutes, she heard the sound of the front door being pulled shut and she waited a few moments more before she reached for the cordless phone on her nightstand and dialed a number.
"What's wrong, Mom?" Andrew asked when he answered.
"Nothing with me," she answered.
Her son took a breath, part relief and part anticipation. "Okay, so what's wrong with me that you need to tell me before you go to sleep?" he asked lightly.
"I'd probably have to start earlier in the evening to get through that list," Elizabeth replied, but a touch of lightness tinged her voice, making him smile on his end of the line.
"Most likely," he agreed; "So what's up? Can't wait until tomorrow for my sparkling conversation?"
"No; I need you to do something."
"Name it."
"Well…I know she won't ask you herself so I'm going to do it for her. I want you to go down to Johanna's office tomorrow and take her out to lunch."
Andrew was quiet for a moment. "May I ask why?"
"Because she needs a date."
Another pause. "You're asking me to date my sister?"
Elizabeth sighed. "Sister-in-law."
"There's still sister in the title."
"I said take her to lunch, not jump in bed with her," Elizabeth retorted; "Believe me, even if you wanted to she wouldn't go for that."
"Mom, what's this all about?"
She sighed. "She's having a hard time…there's a man at work who won't leave her alone. I told her to have you come take her out to lunch but I don't think she'll ask. I thought maybe if he saw that she does have a man in her life he'll stop harassing her."
"Harassing her?" Andrew repeated; "What the hell is he doing to her?"
"He's determined she's going to date him and she's not interested. She's all upset today because he told her it's time for her to start acting like her husband is dead."
"That son of a bitch," he muttered; "Who the hell does he think he is?"
"I don't know but he needs to know that she's not as alone as he thinks she is. Then she got in trouble with her boss because she threatened to shoot the fool. Her boss and her secretary keep telling her she needs to date these men who keep bothering her…that she needs to get over Jimmy and move on. She was crying…she's decided to retire sometime this year because she can't take it anymore. I thought maybe it would be easier for her to finish things out if you put in a few appearances and let them think she's seeing someone."
"Mom, I don't have any problem going down there and setting that asshole straight…in fact, what's his name?"
"His name is Calvin…I'm not sure of the last name."
"I'll find him," Andrew said; "And I don't mind taking her to lunch…but the only thing wrong with this plan is that her secretary knows I'm Jim's brother."
"So?" his mother said; "Let her think Johanna has gone for something familiar. Besides, I think that twit would think it was logical for a woman still mourning her husband to go for his brother. Let her think what she wants as long as it gets them off her back."
"Alright," he replied; "I'll go down there…should I call her first in the morning and let her know I'm coming or should I just pop in as a surprise?"
"Whichever you think is best. She almost always goes to lunch at noon…she didn't mention any court dates tomorrow and you know she always tells me when she's going to be in court in case of an emergency."
"I know," he said; "I'll stop in a little before noon and see what I can accomplish. I definitely want to see this Calvin…his name screams nerd…entitled nerd at that. I'll take him down a few pegs. If there's one think I can't stand it's a man picking on a woman…especially a vulnerable woman like Jo. He threw a knife today with what he said…that can't be ignored."
"I knew I could count on you to do the right thing," Elizabeth replied. "You'll let me know how it goes when you and Gabby come over for dinner?"
"You know I will. Gabby wants chicken tomorrow so we'll pick up a bucket of chicken and the sides, is that alright with you? If not I'll pick up something else for you."
"No, the chicken is fine; we haven't had that in awhile. Get something for dessert…maybe some pie. Johanna brought ice cream today…I know Gabby likes ice cream on her pie."
"I'll get us a pie," Andrew told her. "Don't worry about Jo; I'll see to the situation."
"Alright, dear; I'll let you go now…don't forget."
"I won't forget, Mom. Get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow," Elizabeth replied before ending the call and putting the phone back on its base. She sighed a little as her gaze drifted to the empty space next to her. She knew how Johanna felt…she missed Robert every day…wondered why she had been left behind for so long…why she had been left here and her son taken instead. Tears misted her eyes; she missed her son just as much as she missed her husband. It was an incurable ache…no one or nothing could cure it…so she understood her daughter-in-law's position all too well…and she deserved to live her life as peacefully as she could.
That night after she had gotten home and taken care of a few things around the house, Johanna carried a cup of hot tea into her bedroom and sat it on the nightstand. She untied the sash of her robe and shrugged out of it, dropping the soft black material at the foot of the bed. She sighed deeply as she stood next to her side of the bed, hesitating about climbing in as her gaze strayed to the vacant place where Jim should have been. Her heart clenched, tears pricking her eyes. She was used to the emptiness there…for the most part. It hadn't been easy to get used to…and even now, all these years later, she still sometimes rolled over with the intent to snuggle up against his back only to find nothing but empty sheets that didn't smell like him anymore. The tears came…even after thirteen years, the tears always came when her heart ached with longing for him. Elizabeth was right; her mind was overrun with thoughts of her husband today…which meant that it most likely wasn't going to be an easy night.
A rough night wouldn't be something new to her either. For a long time, she hadn't been able to sleep there…at least not peacefully; it had taken a great deal of time…a lot of trial and error…but eventually she had gotten to the point where she could get into bed without overthinking it. But sometimes that old habit cropped up…and it was usually when she found herself in some sort of turmoil that wouldn't allow her to turn her thoughts off. She missed him…missed him so much it hurt to breathe sometimes. She swallowed hard and forced herself into bed, trying to focus on the sounds of the television she had turned on when she had first retreated upstairs. Johanna swiped at the tears on her cheeks; crying wouldn't bring him back…she knew that all too well and yet she cried anyway, loneliness wrapping around her like an old friend.
She reached for the photo that sat on her nightstand, smiling through the tears at the image. Her thumb brushed against the glass where Jim's handsome face stared back at her from a photo of the two of them from their last vacation. "Jim," she murmured; "I told you this morning that I was thinking about retiring…and I asked for a sign. Mark's threat to fire me seemed to be it so I made up my mind, honey; I'm going to retire. It's time. I think it's best to go out while I'm still at the top of my game…I'll feel like I ended on a high note that way. I know I said I worried about how to fill my days but I'm going to reach out to Columbia…see if they might want me to come back and teach a class…either on a semester rotation like before or a permanent position. Teaching would be a nice change of pace…and I'd be away from the people who keep trying to pressure me to live my life the way they think I should. I hope you think I'm making the right decision."
Johanna paused for a moment, reaching for her mug of tea and taking a long sip. "As for Katie," she said as she continued on; "Jim…I just can't do what Katie wants; and I know you'd probably want me to…you wouldn't want me to be alone…but I can't. I just can't."
She sniffled a little; her eyes glued to the image of his face…his warm, easy smile…his comforting gaze. "You're the only man I'm ever going to love…I've loved you since I was in my early twenties…I can't change now…it's too late. I'm sixty-one, Jim…too old to start over…too broken…too in love with you to ever allow someone else into my heart. I just can't. You promised me you'd still love me and want me when I was this age…I don't doubt that you would have…but I wish you could be here to prove it. I know you didn't leave me by choice…but it hurts just the same…and I know, I've told you that a thousand times but I know you'll understand. You always understood me…you're the other half of my soul…there's just no replacing that. Katie never pushed me to find someone else before…but lately that's her favorite topic. You'd think that she'd be against me finding someone else out of loyalty to you…but I know the real reason why she wants me to find some man to keep me occupied. She doesn't want me to be her burden…I think it's getting serious with the writer…once they make it official, she's not going to want me around…hell, she already doesn't want me around much. I try not to ask too much to see her…I try not to call too much…but I worry about her…you can't blame me for checking in, can you? Especially after what happened last year. She's got her own life though…she doesn't need me as much as she used to. So she wants me to go find a man to latch onto so she doesn't have to worry about me or feel obligated…but I can't do that. I just can't…but maybe I can make her think I am. Maybe I can just pretend to re-enter the dating world; tell her I have a few dates…not call so much, don't invite her to dinners she really doesn't want to come to…I can make it easy for her to break away the way she wants to. She's got Rick now and his family and her friends…I just weigh her down. She misses you so badly…and I'm just a reminder of the life she doesn't have anymore. I guess I can't blame her for not wanting to be saddled with me. As she told me before, I'm not getting any younger…that's why she wants me to find a man…she thinks then I'd have someone to take care of me and it won't be her problem. She doesn't have to worry…I can take care of myself…I had to get used to doing that again once you were gone," she murmured to Jim's image.
"She probably thinks that isn't true…God knows therapy didn't help as much as either one of us had hoped. I still sit here and talk to your picture nearly every night…Katie says this isn't healthy…so I tell her I don't do it anymore…but I just have to talk to you in some way…and I know you understand that. You wouldn't think I was crazy. I'm just going to have to find a way to trick her into thinking I'm putting myself out there…then she'll be able to go on the way she wants and I'll be alright…I've got work for now and I have your Mom to take care of…she's doing okay…I'm sure you know that but I just like to make sure you know I'm taking care of her. I have Gabby to get through her teenage years because your brother is a basketcase about having a teenage daughter…just the thought of broaching certain subjects has him ready to head for the hills. So I've got your Mom and Gabby…sometimes I babysit the great nieces and nephews. I'll have plenty to keep me occupied. I have dinner with Frankie and Valerie once a week…I see Colleen when our schedules allow for a lunch date. Summertime is always a little hard so I'm definitely going to work through the summer…after that I don't know; I might stay on until the end of the year or maybe I'll leave at the end of August. Summer is waning then…I wouldn't sit and dwell so much on where we might have gone for vacation this year if you were still here with me while thinking about vacations of the past."
Johanna breathed deeply, her thumb sweeping across the glass once more. "I love you, Jim," she said softly. "I always will…no one is ever going to take your place. No one can even try…but I'm going to have to pretend for a little while…I hope you understand. I'm just trying to get people off my back at work…get men to quit asking me out…trying to let Katie off the hook. I don't like to have to do it…even pretend dating feels like cheating on you and you know I'd never do that…I just hope you understand why I have to do this. Hopefully it won't be for long…just a little while so people will let me be and then once I'm finished at the firm, I can stop and that will be the end of it. Just know that I'm not doing it because I like the idea of it…I'm doing it so I can have some peace…and not end up shooting someone and going to jail."
She studied the image for a moment longer and then placed it back on the nightstand where she'd be able to see it when she woke up in the morning. "Goodnight, honey," she murmured to him. She picked up her mug of tea and took a long sip before putting it aside once more, pulling her covers up over her as she focused her gaze on the television. Her phone buzzed on the nightstand and she sighed, reaching for it although she'd much rather ignore it but it could be Elizabeth and so she couldn't just let it ring. Her daughter's name graced a new text message and she opened it to read what she had to say at ten-thirty at night.
"Is Grandma mad that I didn't come to dinner?"
Johanna rolled her eyes; like she'd care if she was. "No; she didn't care," she answered before laying the phone back down. It buzzed again, eliciting another sigh.
"Are you still mad that I didn't come to dinner?"
"I wasn't mad…just sorry that I asked."
"Mom…"
"It's fine, Katie; really it is. I didn't really require the lecture about how you have a life…because I already know that but it's fine. I'm fine. Aren't you supposed to be some kind of movie date?"
"I am; he had to take a call from Alexis; she's traveling with a friend for a couple weeks as a graduation celebration; she was letting him know that they had arrived safely. As for you, past history indicates that any time you use fine three times in one sentence, you're in fact, not fine," Kate wrote back.
"I didn't realize your badge came with mind reading abilities," Johanna typed and sent before she could stop herself.
"Yeah; you're not fine," her daughter replied.
"Katie; I am fine. I don't care that you didn't want to come to dinner. Liz and I had a nice dinner and watched some TV together; it was a nice evening."
"Mom…I hate to say this being that she's my grandmother but I think you need a best friend that isn't a ninety year old woman."
"I HAVE FRIENDS MY OWN AGE!"
"Then go out with them once in awhile," Kate told her. "Your whole life is work, Grandma and me…and Gabby when Andrew has to travel for work."
"I have friends."
"Yeah; I know…but you could go out with your friends and have fun."
"I do occasionally; but they're all married; being the fifth wheel isn't exactly fun."
"That's why you should consider giving dating a chance. It might be good for you…."
Johanna glared at the screen and then put it back on the nightstand without replying. Apparently her daughter wasn't ready to get off that particular bandwagon today. She took another sip of tea as her phone buzzed with another message but she ignored it…it buzzed three more times and she ignored those as well; she wasn't having this conversation tonight. The phone rang about two minutes after the last buzz and she ignored it too as she glanced at it and caught sight of her daughter's picture on the screen. She turned off the lights, leaving the television on, the phone ringing again as she turned on her side and pulled Jim's pillow close. It didn't smell like him like it used to long ago…but if she concentrated hard enough, she could almost believe it did as she drifted to sleep on a cloud of memories. That's what she wanted tonight…to think about when things were good…when she had been happy and loved. She breathed deeply, her hand curling into the pillowcase as she squeezed her eyes shut and conjured up her husband's face…the soft tones of his voice and the warmth he always filled her with.
Seeing that Castle was returning to the room, Kate hurried to disconnect the call that her mother wasn't going to answer anyway. She smiled, placing her phone back on the coffee table. "Did Alexis get to Miami safely?" she asked.
"She did," he replied. "Sorry it took so long, she was feeling chatty."
"No problem," Kate told him. "I guess we can un-pause the movie now."
"Do you need to make a call?" he asked with a nod at her phone as he settled back down beside her. "You seemed to put it down quickly."
"Oh that was nothing. I was just checking in on my mother but she didn't answer."
"Are you sure she's okay today?"
"She's fine…I texted her first and she didn't like the way the conversation was going so she got mad and stopped answering. That's why I tried to call her but I figured she'd let it ring."
"You and your mother seem to play phone tag a lot."
Kate shrugged. "It's just how we are."
Instead of reaching for the remote, Castle felt that it might be his chance to delve deeper into the Beckett family dynamics. "Do you and your Mom not get along all that well?"
She gave him a somewhat odd look. "We get along fine…she'd just be happier if I lived with her," she said, a small smile playing on her lips. "But that's not happening…well…I did live with her for a little while after my apartment blew up…and believe me, she wanted me to take a very long time finding another one. Are we going to finish the movie?"
"Yeah…but we can talk a bit."
"I thought we were on a date."
He grinned. "We are…we've watched two movies, the third is paused…we've ate…we have wine…I think we've reached the talking portion."
"Most men would say it's the making out portion."
"We can do that too," he quipped; "After the talking portion when the movie resumes. You know part of dating is getting to know each other better."
She laughed. "Castle we've known each other for over three years…we talk all the time."
"Yeah," he said with a nod; "We do talk a lot…but you don't talk much about your family."
"You know about my family. My Dad was a lawyer; he died when I was nineteen. My Mom is still a lawyer and not completely the person she was before my father died. I have one grandparent left, my father's mother Elizabeth who is ninety. I have aunts, uncles, cousins. No siblings…which I admit is hard to believe because my parents were very much into each other…which I sometimes found disgusting as a teenager."
Castle laughed. "We've all been there. But they had a good marriage?"
"Oh yeah…the best. They were very much in love with each other. They were a very close couple…that's why it's been so hard for her…when he died he took a part of her with him."
He noticed her toying with her watch; something she'd been doing all day. "You've been playing with your watch a lot today."
Kate pulled her fingers away from her father's watch. "He's just on my mind today."
"Any particular reason?"
"I guess because of Mom," she murmured. "I hate getting those 'your mom didn't show up' phone calls…brings back bad memories…and when I find her, nine times out of ten she's at the cemetery commemorating some anniversary…or satisfying some need to be closer to him."
"Were you closer to your dad than you are to your mother?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "Dad always said I was her shadow…and I was. All my childhood all I wanted was to be like her. I did everything with her…even worked in her office sometimes as a teenager. I did things with my Dad too…we played games and he always built me things out of blocks when I was little…we'd go see sci-fi movies together because Mom hates sci-fi…and we'd eat Chinese afterwards because she hates Chinese food too…"
"Your mother hates Chinese food and Sci-fi?" Castle asked. "I thought there was a law against that."
She laughed. "She's always hated both. I went to ballgames with him too…sometimes just the two of us, sometimes all three of us…there were vacations and family things…but most of the time I think I was with my Mom. When he died I couldn't help but feel like I had spent too much time with her and not enough time with him. We were out shopping together while he was dying…"
"You didn't know anything was wrong, Kate," Castle said quietly. "It's not your fault."
"I know…but I couldn't help thinking back then that if we hadn't gone shopping, maybe he would've been with us and it wouldn't have happened. I couldn't help thinking that I had spent more time with her than him…about all the times we clashed when I was a teenager…about how he probably died thinking that I didn't love him as much I love her…and I do love him just as much but I'm afraid he didn't know."
Castle took her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. "I'm sure your father knows how much you loved him, Kate. We all clash with our parents as teenagers, it doesn't mean we don't love them…he knew that; just like you knew he loved you, right?"
"Yeah," she said, tears pricking her eyes.
"And you probably spent more time with him than you let yourself believe…you grew up in a two parent household…you were with him every day just like you were with your mom every day."
"Not every day," she murmured. "He traveled for work a lot at times…but he'd call us…and he'd try to do something special when he'd come home; like dinner out or a movie…a gift."
"Did your Mom travel for work?"
"Only once…because she couldn't get out of it…and we all hated it…especially Dad. He wasn't good at doing hair for a seven year old."
"Been there," Castle said with a nod.
"When we lost him, all I could think about was that I probably wasn't the best daughter I could've been to him…always with Mom…and when he died, she tried so hard to be there for me…but I probably wasn't as much help to her as I could've been. I mean I helped her with the arrangements…and cleaning out his office and driving his car home from where he had parked it near his office. I helped in those ways…but I don't think I was there for her as much as she tried to be there for me."
"You were just a kid."
"I know…and part of me felt like she should've been handling it better…because she always handled everything…was always strong and did what needed done…and she was just falling apart. It was hard to watch. I was already angry…about what had happened, about that feeling that I had cheated him out of time with me that I had spent with her and then she was falling apart when she was always everyone's rock."
"Is that why you're not close to her anymore?" Castle asked.
Kate shrugged. "I wouldn't say that we're not close…just maybe not as close as we used to be…and that's when it started. I love her…that's never changed…we've just never regained our footing. She wanted me to go back to school…got on the plane and took me back to Stanford as planned…and a week a later I was dragging my stuff into the house when she got home from work. I told her I didn't want to be at Stanford anymore…I was going to be a cop…that was not a good night."
He nodded. "You've mentioned that she's not crazy about your career choice."
"She's not…definitely not…and the fact that she only asked me to quit once after the shooting is probably a testament to her self control. We had a screaming match the night I told her I wanted to be a cop…wanted to find out what happened to him…and she's screaming that she had already lost enough, she wasn't going to let it happen again. We yelled all night long…and finally I gave in and said I'd transfer to NYU and finish school…but not for law…I was changing my major to criminal justice. She didn't like that but she took what she could get. I told her I was still being a cop once I finished school…and she asked me what it would take to get me to change my mind."
"And you said there was nothing she could do?"
She shook her head as she picked up her glass of wine. "No…I told her the only way I'd do what she wanted was if she quit her job."
Castle's brow furrowed. "Why did you want her to quit her job?"
"Because she's a lawyer," she replied; "Dad was a lawyer…and we didn't buy that random gang violence bullshit for a minute. We both felt like it had to be related to his job…his firm had just started putting more emphasis on criminal cases because there was a growing demand, and Dad wanted to move up to senior partner so he didn't hesitate to start taking on more criminal cases. Mom had criminal cases too…and I didn't want to go through this a second time and I told her so. She said she couldn't quit her job when she had tuition to pay. She teaches law classes at Columbia sometimes so I told her to go back to that…she said no…but she agreed to stop taking criminal cases…she agreed pretty fast on that angle. I don't know why she didn't just quit; she was terrified of it happening to her…that was more than obvious when she started carrying a gun. She told me she wasn't going to have me being an orphan…so she got the gun and she stopped working on criminal cases…stopped her charity work with the justice initiative…she went back to strictly contract law and family law. That wasn't the deal I wanted so I became a cop…I would've even if she had quit her job…but either way, at least I gave her an excuse to give up criminal cases."
"You mentioned earlier that she had a lot of spirals."
Kate nodded. "First it was a love affair with wine…she'd always liked to have the occasional glass of wine to relax. It didn't seem all that odd to see her pour a glass when she got home from work…but then she started having one at dinner too. We were still at odds over my career choice so I didn't say anything…I was too busy plotting to move out…she begged me not to go…there was no reason for me to go, she said I had Dad's car so I had a way to get back and forth to school and I was saving money living at home. I didn't want to be there though…so I got a job at a bookstore and found a cheap enough apartment above a restaurant. Dad died in January and I moved out in March…she begged me not to…she even said she'd stop asking me to change my mind about being a cop if I'd just stay at home until the fall semester. But I said no…and I left her there alone. I kind of blame myself for the drinking…I wasn't home to know that she had moved up from two glasses a night to three and sometimes four to help her sleep."
"How did you find out?"
"When Sharon called me one day and told me that she was coming into work late and hungover. That she didn't look well…that when they went out to lunch, she was more interested in a glass of wine than actually eating anything. I went over to the house while she was still at work and took a look at the collection of wine bottles in the cabinet…and the ones in the trash…it didn't take long to figure out that she was developing a problem. It probably wouldn't have gotten that far if I hadn't left her alone…really there was no reason for me to be in a big hurry to move out…all I did was make her feel even more abandoned. I asked her what the hell she was doing…and she said she had a few drinks to help her sleep at night…that it wasn't a big deal and she didn't know why I cared anyway."
"Why did she that?" Castle asked.
"Because when I moved out, I kind of tuned out in regard to her. We didn't talk much…I didn't go home and visit. Anything she asked me to do with her I said no…because I kept thinking about how the last time we went shopping together Dad died. I told her to do what the hell she wanted but if she was going to turn into a drunk then I definitely wouldn't be around. She said she wasn't a drunk; she just couldn't sleep and she was afraid to use sleeping pills. She kept saying it wasn't the big deal people were making it out to be. But it became a big deal at a law firm party about five months after Dad died. Some guy there was trying to cozy up to her…she wasn't interested…she had only went to the party because everyone had nagged her about getting out of the house and having some fun. She didn't want to have fun and from what I heard she spent the majority of the time at the bar. This guy kept bugging her…and the more she drank and the more he bugged, the madder she got and finally she snapped and slapped him across his face as hard as she could. Mark, her boss, said she was pretty unsteady as she ran out of the room with her keys and purse…he followed her…and so did Sharon...they were trying to get the keys away from her when the heel of her shoe broke…she fell and hit her head…she spent the night in the hospital with a concussion."
"Did they call you?"
"Yeah…and I was pretty pissed off about it…I was studying for the summer classes I was taking and she's out being a drunken menace and nearly busting her head open. They wanted me to go sit with her…I said no; if that's what she wanted to do to herself, she could just lay there and deal with it. I told Sharon to go on home…just leave her there…she didn't though; she stayed with her…and I showed up at six in the morning when I couldn't take the guilt anymore."
"How did that go?" Castle asked.
"They had finally let her sleep a little so she was sleeping when I got there…but when she woke up, I asked her why she kept doing it…it couldn't just be to sleep better. She told me it was just easier to deal after a few drinks…she said it's how Dad used to cope…which he did have a little bit of a problem for awhile when I was four…but she got him out of it. He wasn't there to return the favor…so I had to do it. I told her it had to stop before she killed herself and left me alone. She cried, promised she would stop…that she wasn't doing it to hurt me…that she was doing it because she hurt so badly she couldn't sleep and she couldn't eat and she didn't know how else to make it stop."
"Did she stop?"
"She did…I don't think she liked what she was becoming. I think it scared her as much as it scared me. When they released her, I went home with her…cleaned out all the bottles…stayed for a few weeks, making sure she wasn't going to backslide. She didn't…I give her credit for that. I think that incident scared her…that's all it took."
"Does that mean she spiraled in other ways instead of going back to that habit?"
"Yeah; she did okay for a little while…at least she tried to pretend she was. My uncle Andrew and his wife had a baby in October of 99…his wife didn't want the baby, so she handed it over to him, filed for divorce and took off. He didn't know anything about babies so he relied on Mom and Grandma to help him with Gabby. He didn't want to have to give her up but he was afraid he couldn't do it…he also travels a lot for work…so she had baby Gabby to look after, that helped keep her from wanting the wine too…but when Gabby wasn't there and I wasn't there…she would give in to the depression…and she still wasn't sleeping well. She's always liked to run when she's bothered…so she started running again…started going to the gym…she'd work out every day that she had time to do so just to exhaust herself. I decided to spend a semester abroad…which she hated but I didn't care…and when I came back, she was even thinner than she usually was and even my grandmother was concerned about it. God, she looked like a twig…it was harder to get her off the gym and then it was to get her to stop drinking."
"Really?" he asked.
"No lie; it was. I finally convinced her that she was still trying to kill herself. So she slowly scaled back…I started coming around for dinner which made her get back to cooking and eventually she got back to her normal weight. Since drinking and exercise were out; she decided she'd just drown in work…she did that really well; she packed her case load, was winning cases left and right because she was giving every ounce of herself to her work…and when she wasn't working, she was taking care of Gabby when needed and Grandma because Grandma had that bad stroke around that time. She worked day and night…running on very little sleep…lots of caffeine. She didn't even take the weekends off…there was always something she needed to work on; she didn't have time for shopping trips, parties, dinner invitations…she had to work or babysit. This lasted for a long time…I was finished with the academy and a uniform when I got a call at work telling me that they had found her laying on the floor of her office and she was being rushed to the hospital."
"Burnout," Castle remarked.
"Major burnout," Kate stated. "She was in the hospital for a few days…they made her talk to a therapist, she hated that. Her boss forced her to take eight weeks off…she spent most of those weeks living with my grandmother."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because she's been one of grandma's primary caregivers since her stroke and if she had to be home, she figured she may as well be there with her. She also said she needed to stay somewhere where she could learn to sleep properly again because she couldn't do it at home…she was always reaching for Dad and having nightmares. I think another reason was that she just needed someone to mother her…her own mother is gone…but she had Dad's mother…and Grandma, even though she was still getting better herself, she took care of her…they helped each other get better."
"Why didn't she stay with you, I assume you were living in your own place."
"I was…but she didn't ask to stay with me…she just said she was going home and packing a few things and going to Grandma's. I figured it was best because I was working long shifts; she would've just been alone at my place."
"Has she been better since then?" Castle asked.
"Yeah; she hasn't really had any spirals since then…she's as good as she can be. She's never going to be the person she was before Dad died. Sometimes you get a glimpse like I said earlier…but it doesn't stay long…it doesn't take long for her to remember that he's not coming home. She has her good days…she can even have stretches of them…but she still has those bad days…and I can tell that today is the start of a stretch of bad ones."
"Is that why you're trying to get her to date?"
"Yeah…but she doesn't want anything to do with it."
"She's never dated since your Dad passed?"
Kate shook her head. "No…I told you, she pulled a gun on a guy that showed too much interest. She's threatened to pull it on another one. She doesn't want them."
"If she doesn't want it than why are you telling her to do it?"
Kate breathed deeply. "Because my mother is someone who needs someone to keep her occupied. She's emotionally needy and I can't always give her the attention she needs…and Grandma is up there in age…she's not going to be here forever for her to tend to…Gabby will be thirteen in October; she's in school…in five years she'll be off to college and won't need somewhere to stay when my uncle is out of town. She needs someone who can be around daily. I'm not telling her to get re-married…I just think she's one of those people who needs a relationship to be happy."
"Don't get mad at me for asking this," Castle said; "But if the situation was reversed, would you be pressuring your Dad to find someone else?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because he wasn't an emotionally needy person. Don't get me wrong, she was his whole world…but I think he would find other ways to keep his life full. Her ways seem kind of temporary in some respects…what happens when the day comes when Grandma isn't here? That's a huge chunk of her life. What happens when she doesn't have Gabby to look after when needed? I have my own life, relationship; job so I can't be there constantly…so what is she going to do? I don't want her to go back to working herself to death again."
"Maybe she just needs a hobby."
"She has one; she reads…it doesn't take up as much time as we had hoped."
He laughed. "I'm sure she has friends…doesn't she?"
"Yeah; but they're all married…except Maggie, she's divorced…but Maggie lives in the Hamptons and they don't see each other a lot. I just think if she had a relationship to focus on she'd do better…she was her happiest when she had Dad and me to take care of and be with…so she needs to find someone that will let her do that again."
"Maybe you could just get her a dog," Castle suggested.
Kate shook her head. "She's more of a cat person."
"Get her a cat."
She sighed. "I guess it could come to that…she'd probably rather be a cat lady than take a chance and go on a date. But what if the cat dies suddenly?"
He shrugged. "The date could die suddenly."
"Probably only if she shoots him."
"It sounds like it wouldn't take much for that," Castle remarked. "I'm glad it's not hereditary and you haven't threatened to shoot me on any of our low key dates so far."
"I have threatened to shoot you before, Castle…and before long you will probably tempt me again."
A grin touched his lips as he dropped an arm around her. "That is probably true…so while I'm on your good side…I'm ready to move on to that making out phase you mentioned."
"What about the movie?"
Castle un-paused the movie and then wiggled his brow at her. "I think we're ready now."
She laughed. "Talking portion is officially over? You're done pumping me for family information?"
"For now; I'm saving some things for next time."
"Don't put any of it in a book, she'll kill you."
"Thanks for that heads up," he quipped; "Especially since I now know she carries a gun. I'm sure she's fun though, right? When the day comes that I spend more time with her under better circumstances than the last time, it'll be alright, won't it?"
Kate smiled. "We'll see…she kind of takes her interrogations of my boyfriends seriously since Dad isn't around to do it anymore…it was usually his job…I thought he was bad, she's worse."
"That's not the comforting thought I was hoping for," he remarked. "Tell me, did she interrogate Dr Motorcycle Boy?"
"She did."
"Did she like him?"
"No…she didn't like him at all. She said he was a self absorbed, arrogant jackass with a God complex."
Castle laughed. "I like her already."
"When I broke up with him she said and I quote 'thank God, I was praying you wouldn't do something stupid like marrying him'."
He smiled. "I like to think I'm a better candidate than Dr Motorcycle Boy so I'm sure I'll do just fine with your mother."
"We'll see," she quipped. "She can blunt and brutal when it suits her."
"Sounds like she's fun to have around," he stated; "But for now, before arrange meet and greets…we get to the making out portion of the evening."
"Sounds like the best idea we've had all night," Kate said with a smile before he captured her lips in a kiss.
The ballgame was on his TV and a cold beer was in his hand…but Jim's heart wasn't in his favorite sport tonight. Tonight his mind was wrapped up in memories thinking back to those early years with Johanna…to the night they had became a couple. He could remember the fight they'd had…how enticing she had looked in her tight little black dress. He could remember the look on her face when he told her he loved her for the first time…the way it felt to hear her say that she loved him too. He could remember the taste of her kiss…how soft her skin felt against his hands…how her body seemed to have been crafted to fit perfectly against his. He remembered how good it felt to make love to her….
Jim clenched the bottle in his hand tightly as he forced himself to stop. He blew out a breath and took a long sip of his beer…it was best not to go too far down that road. It already felt like it was going to be a sleepless night…he didn't need to add more misery to it. He took another swallow of his beer, wondering what Johanna was doing tonight. Was she watching a show or doing some work to pass the time? Was she chatting with Katie? Was she out with friends? Did some man have his eye on his wife? A flare of jealousy raced through him. He hoped there wasn't…and it was selfish, he knew that. She hadn't remarried, at least that was some comfort…but that didn't mean she hadn't moved on…he'd find out for sure in a few weeks. This never ending nightmare was drawing to a close. He was going home…and he was taking back what was his. He was going to answer to his own name again and not Robert Stafford. His daughter was going to have a father again…he'd missed thirteen years of her life; her college graduation…the reasoning of why she shunned the law and became a cop…a choice that was hard for him to think about especially when he had heard about her shooting. His fingers tightened around the bottle once more; Agent Highland had done his best to keep him appraised of Katie's condition but waiting on the phone to ring to tell him if his daughter was going to live or die had nearly done him in…especially when he had learned it was related to his case. All he had wanted was to go to her…to go to Johanna…but he couldn't add to the danger that Katie had found. Agent Highland said he had to stay put…they were safer without him. That was always a bitter pill to swallow. He could only imagine what Johanna had been going through in that waiting room…and then sitting by their child's bedside praying for her to get well.
He tipped the bottle against his lips, another long sip of beer hitting his tongue. He'd missed thirteen years with his wife. So many birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions. A small smile touched his lips as he thought about that pile in her lingerie drawer that she had always labeled 'special occasion'. She had always loved to tease him with mentions of new additions for him to discover on date nights. Date nights…he supposed he had missed thousands of those….holidays…vacations...thirteen years of nights when he hadn't held her close…thirteen years of mornings when he had woken up without her. Over a decade's worth of kisses, touches, stolen moments. He had missed so much…but it wasn't going to be much longer…he could last these last few weeks; he didn't have a choice…and as soon as they were over, he'd be back in New York…and Johanna would be within reach like a light shining at the end of the tunnel. He was taking back his life…he was taking back his wife. There was a lot of time to make up for and he was anxious to get started. Just a little longer…he was in the home stretch…just a few more weeks and his world would be right again.
A/N: Chapter 3 is finished, I'll post it sometime next week.