Ciri ran to her room as soon as she finished her meal. She put on her leather jacket, took her sword and strapped it on her back. Just in case she ran into some monsters. Or if Yennefer ran into some. Ciri knew that Yennefer was more than capable to protect herself, but still.
She hurried back downstair and was about to step outside when Triss called her. Everybody else had retired to their room.
"Yes ?"
Triss walked to her, both of her hands holding bottles filled with…
Apple juice ?
Triss gave them to Ciri. "Here. She loves apple juice. I made two, one for you, one for her. I mean, I know you're probably going after Yenna, I just thought that, um, I think she would love to have this."
Ciri only stared at her.
"Oh, Ciri, please. Yenna was- is- my friend. I knew her longer than you and geralt did. I saw her leaving that way, she might be heading to the lake. Probably stargazing."
"Really ? How do you know ?"
"She always does that when she's… um, sad. Now go." Triss averted her gaze and turned back to retire to her room.
"Triss ?"
She looked back at Ciri. "Yes ?"
"Thank you. Really. I think she would appreciate it." Ciri gave her one last smile and headed to the lake.
Yennefer opened her eyes. She looked at the lake. The lake reflected the sky above it. While it's beautiful, it's not real.
Merely an illusion.
She remember Vilgefortz saying "You mistook the stars reflected in the pond for the night sky."
Maybe he was right.
All this time, she was craving, she was longing for a child of her own. To be important to someone. To be with someone who loves her.
To have a family. And to be able to protect them. To keep them safe.
All this time, all of her efforts she did, thinking it would safe them, always ended up hurting them more.
She didn't want to do anymore damage.
And after today, she didn't even know how to look Geralt and Ciri in the eyes.
Then, her hand was on her stomach. She had always wanted to be able to bear a child of her own. But then again, maybe it's better this way, her not being able to carry a child. She didn't want to ruin another life.
She felt miserable. And she hated it. It reminded her of her past, back when she was helpless and useless, with parents that hated her, and eventually, sold her. Apparently, her parents were better off without her.
Would Geralt and Ciri be better off without her ? Maybe things would be different and better had Geralt asked someone else to be Ciri's mentor. Maybe Ciri wouldn't try to run away from Aretuza and she wouldn't be hunted. Or, had Yennefer brought Ciri to Margarita instead, maybe she wouldn't be in this mess.
But… She wouldn't trade her time with Ciri in Ellander with anything. Maybe she was being selfish, but despite everything, despite the mess she created, she still wanted to be with Ciri. And Geralt.
Maybe it's better if she leave instead. Their safety is her priority. She couldn't leave just yet, though. She was still needed to help Ciri, she still needed to find Philippa and Rita.
Maybe it would be best to leave after all of this is finished. She wouldn't fail them anymore. She would keep them safe until the end. Vesemir's death would be her last failure. He wouldn't let his sacrifice for nothing.
It would be difficult for her to leave Geralt and Ciri. But if that means keeping them safe, then she would do it. For them.
For her family.
She closed her eyes and let the tears fall.
Ciri didn't know how long she has been walking. The lake was further than she thought it was. What was her mother thinking, walking this far alone at night ? Wasn't she tired ? What if she passed out in the middle of the road ?
Ciri hadn't talked much to Yennefer after they reunion in Kaer Morhen. She actually felt guilty for not catching up with her. And Ciri didn't speak with her after Vesemir's death.
And she didn't know what to say when she see her.
Triss said that Yennefer usually stargaze when felt sad. But was she ? Was she sad ? Why ? Was it because of her ? Was it Geralt ?
Triss also gave her apple juices. Ciri didn't know that Yennefer loves apple juice. Damn, she felt like a horrible daughter for not knowing such a simple thing as her mom's favorite juice. How long has it been since Ciri's consider her as her mom ? She really needed to pay more attention.
What else didn't she know about Yennefer ?
She's getting thirsty from all the walking and thinking, so she uncorked one of the bottles and took a few gulps of her apple juice.
'Delicious. No wonder she likes it.'
She was about to wipe her mouth with sleeve, then remembered that Yennefer would scold her for doing that.
She licked her lips instead.
Then, she began to see the lake.
'Yes, I think that's the lake Triss was referring to. But where is Yennefer ? I couldn't spot her from here.'
She walked closer and closer. Until she's a few steps before the lake. She looked at her surrounding. Yennefer was tall, so she shouldn't be hard to see.
Then, she started to look for tracks.
'There ! I can see faint footsteps leading to that tree over there.'
She followed the tracks until she reached a huge, tall tree facing the lake.
She saw her mother, sitting against the tree, facing the lake. She looked like she was sleeping, but when she saw closer, her face was damp with tears.
Ciri's heart broke.
What happened ? She'd never seen her cry. She'd always looked so tough.. Almost invincible, even.
But now..
Now that she looked at her, she looked thin, and tired.
Ciri didn't know what to do. So she just stood there, staring at her mom's face for a good minute. And it was really weird that her mother didn't detect her presence. Must be because she was way deep in her thoughts.
Then, Ciri got down on her feet and wiped Yennefer's tears. Gently, carefully not to startle her too much.
"Mother ?"
Yennefer's eyes snapped open and she gasped in surprise. Ciri's hand was still touching Yennefer's cheek, and Ciri gazed into Yen's violet eyes.
"Ciri !"
"What's wrong ?"
Yennefer took Ciri's hand from her cheek. Ciri felt her mom's hand trembling slightly. "I'm fine. What are you doing here ? It's late, you're supposed to be resting."
Ciri hated it when Yennefer said 'I'm fine' when she clearly isn't.
"You're one to talk. If anything, you were the one who's supposed to rest. You passed out, remember ? And you haven't been eating ! You're trembling too."
Yennefer smiled. "Well, technically, I am resting."
Ciri rolled her eyes. She sat down beside her mother.
Then silence. Then Ciri remembered the apple juice.
"Oh yeah, here, Triss said you love this. It's apple juice. She made it for you. Well, us, since she also made one for me." Ciri uncorked the bottle and gave it to her.
"She did ? Well, I'll be sure to thank her when I get back." Yennefer smiled as she drank the apple juice.
"Yeah. Make sure you drink it all, you need to get something in your system. I'll make you something to eat when we get back."
"I'm fine. You need to go back, though."
"Excuse me, I just got here, and I have been walking quite far so I need to catch my breath you know. Besides, I was looking for you. I didn't come here just to deliver the apple juice, you know." Ciri huffed and leaned her back on the tree. "I was worried."
Yennefer turned her head and looked at Ciri. Then Ciri felt Yennefer shifted and hugged her.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worried."
"Why are you out here ? I was waiting in the dinning room but you didn't show up."
"If it makes you feel better, I will eat when we get back."
"You didn't answer my question."
Yennefer shrugged. "I guess I just feel like taking a walk. And stargazing."
"Why are you sad ?"
"What ?" Yennefer looked confused.
"Triss said you used to do that when you're sad. Stargazing."
'Damn you Triss. Friggin blabbermouth !' Yennefer thought.
"… Well ?" Ciri asked when Yennefer didn't answer. "Remember our promise years ago ? Be honest with each other."
Yennefer sighed. Now she looked annoyed. "I don't want to talk about it now, Ciri."
"I thought we're supposed to be honest with each other."
"I am being honest."
Stubborn.
"… Was it me ?" Ciri asked.
Yennefer looked at her, frowning. "What ? Why would it be you ?"
Ciri kept silent. She stared at the lake in front of her. "The hunts were hunting me. I put my family in danger. Vesemir's death… Were you hurt, Mummy ?"
"Ciri. Listen, it's not your fault. We chose to do this. And Vesemir.. Live for him, Ciri. Don't blame yourself for his death. Live for him. Honor his sacrifice." Yennefer wiped Ciri's tears. She didn't realize she was crying.
"I know. It's just.. It hurts.." Ciri turned around and put her head on Yennefer's shoulders and her hands on Yennefer's waist. She cried.
She felt Yennefer hugging her. Brushing the her hair with her gloved hand. "I know. I know it does. My daughter." She felt Yennefer kiss the top of her head. "You're okay. We'll get through it. We always do."
She sniffled and wiped her tears with her hand. "Thank you, Mother."
Yennefer didn't answer. She looked troubled. Then she said, "Ciri.. I'm sorry. I really am."
Ciri was surprised. Why would she apologize ?
As if reading her mind, Yennefer answered. "For letting the barriers fall. For not being strong enough. For constantly putting you in danger.".. She paused, taking a deep breath. ".. and for not being a good mother."
Ciri didn't understand. To say that Ciri was surprised to hear Yennefer talk like that is an understatement.
"What are you talking about ? if anything, I should be the one thanking you. The barriers were hardly your fault, Mother. If it's not for you, I think Kaer Morhen would be a mess right now. And I don't think any of us would survive. You saved our life. The barriers must have required enormous amount of energy to cast, it was a wonder you were able to hold it that long."
Yennefer shook her head.
"Mother, it's not just about the barriers, isn't it ? What's wrong ?"
Yennefer stood up. "Come on, Ciri, let's go back. It's getting late. Pretty sure Geralt is getting worried."
Ciri pulled Yennefer's hand. "No, please sit down and talk to me." Ciri didn't let go of her hand. "You always keep things bottled up inside. It's not healthy, you know."
"I'll talk when I want to. Now, come on, you promised to cook me dinner." Yennefer tried to pull her hand away, but Ciri didn't let go. She squeezed Yen's hand, pulling her to sit down. Yennefer flinched.
Is her hand hurt ?
"Is your hand okay ?" Still didn't let go of her hand, but Ciri loosen her grip.
"Yes it is, Ciri. It's getting cold, let's go back, please ?"
Ciri wasn't convinced. She took off Yennefer's glove with her other hand.
Ciri's jaw dropped. Yennefer's hand was covered in scars and her fingers…
Ciri's heart broke for the second time.
"Mother ! What happened ? Who did this ?"
Yennefer pulled her hand. This time, Ciri let her.
"The glove, please."
"No ! Not until you tell me what happened !"
Yennefer sighed. She cradled her head between her hands.
"Ciri, please, I'm too tired for this. May I have my glove back, please ?"
"You may. After we talk."
"Fine, then you can keep it. Would you like the other glove as well ?"
"Mother. Please."
"Ciri, I'm going back." Yennefer stood up and started walking.
Ugh. Why is her mom so stubborn ?
"Are you going to leave me here, Yennefer ? I came out here looking for you, and you're leaving me here, alone ?"
Yennefer stopped walking.
'Ha ! It's working'. Ciri thought.
"Are you going to let me starve to death ? Can't you see how exhausted I am ? And I skipped dinner, remember ? You promised to cook me dinner. Now come on, stand up before I have to drag your ass here."
'Well, damn. Can never win with Yennefer'. Ciri sighed and stood up.
"Fine."
She walked beside Yennefer and took her bare, scarred hand, holding it gently.
Ciri felt Yennefer tensed. She didn't want Yennefer to pull away.
Yennefer didn't.
They walked hand in hand, back to Kaer Morhen.