[Intro Theme]
Announcer: Ah yes, uh, Star Trek. These are the voyages of the… Death Star? I don't even know at this point. Whatever. To recap, Spock, Sulu, Mcoy, and the Russian bastard are trying to escape by pulling a Die Hard and crawling through the air vents. Also there was that subplot where Colonel Sanders is attacking Russia and where Geralt is on a plane for some reason. To boldly go where no one has gone before!
The camera cuts to a scene of the four Star Trek officers crawling through a narrow air vent. Spock looks concerned while Sulu has a look of stoic determination on his face. Chekov look as though he's preventing himself from barfing.
Mcoy: Checkov, are you doing alright?
Checkov: I can feel it… It's coming…
Mcoy: Just hold on, man. You can make it. You can make it.
The group of officers reaches a small grate in the side of a wall. Stormtroopers walk past and everyone holds their breath. The stormtroopers pass.
Sulu: Thank God, now let's go
Sulu removes the grate and sneaks out into the hallway
Sulu: Come on boys
The officers begin walking down the hall, but it isn't long before the sound of footsteps fills the hallway.
Spock: Shh! Be quiet
Checkov is perspiring heavily. Sweat is pouring down his face as he clamps a hand over his mouth, but he can no longer hold it.
Checkov: HeY HaVE yOU HeaRD AbOUt mY SpoNsoR RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS!
The stormtroopers turn and begin firing as Checkov sighs in relief.
Checkov: Hey, you know I have to do that every ten meenutes!
Blaster bolts whizz in wide arcs around the starfleet officers. They begin to run as more stormtroopers join in on the chase.
Spock: I believe that these soldiers' accuracy is far less than usual
Sulu: Quick! We need to get to the Enterprise!
Mcoy: We don't even have any idea where the hell we are, let alone the Enterprise
The camera pans out to show the Starfleet officers running right by the Enterprise
Sulu: Quick! Down this hallway!
The officers run down a hallway and encounter one of those doors that slides up and down for some reason. Sulu activates it and it slides up. The officers run out to find themselves standing on a narrow ledge jutting out over a seemingly bottomless pit that has no reason to be there.
Mcoy: Oh shit!
A blaster bolt whizzes by Checkov's head and he flails in an attempt to dodge it. He succeeds, but only after knocking Mcoy down into the inky blackness below.
Sulu: You little shit! Look what you've done!
Spock: Mr. Sulu, look out!
A squad of stormtroopers runs down the hall towards them. Spock looks around frantically, but realizes that they are trapped. Without hesitation, he punches the door control panel, shattering it. The shuts with a hiss.
Spock: I believe that we are now safe from those soldiers.
Sulu: Those were the controls to the bridge!
Spock: I have a bad feeling about this.
The camera cuts to black.
The scene opens on a busy airport, sometime in the late 80's. Geralt walks silently through a sea of people, all dressed in winter clothing. There are more than a few joyful reunions as Geralt pushes his way past a girl and her boyfriend making out.
Geralt: Californians…
Geralt looks around and spots a gangly black man in his early twenties and an ill-fitting chauffeurs' uniform. The chauffeur beats out rhythm on a "Nakatomi Corporation" card with 'Geralt' written on it in magic marker. Geralt walks up to him and eyes him carefully.
Geralt: I'm Geralt
Argyle (Introducing himself): Argyle. I'm your limo driver. NIce swords.
Argyle turns and starts walking. Geralt follows him, still carrying his bags and swords.
Geralt: Argyle? Don't you take this stuff?
Argyle: Do I? I'm sorry. You're gonna have to help me, man. This is my first time driving a limo.
Geralt: That's okay. This is my first time riding in one.
The camera tilts down from the well lit and brand new Nakatomi Building. The limo pulls up, parks, and Argyle gets out. Geralt lets himself out, which is fine because Argyle doesn't remember that he's supposed to do it. They both walk around to the back of the limo.
Argyle: So, ou go upstairs to the party, your lady sees you, you run into each other's arms. Music comes up, you live happily ever after, that it?
Geralt: I could live with that.
Argyle: What if it doesn't work out that way? Where you gonna stay?
Geralt: I'll find someplace.
Geralt looks up at the highrise lit by huge spotlights, then back at Argyle who has made no effort to open the trunk.
Argyle: Tell you what. I'll pull into the parking garage and wait. If you score, give me a call on the car phone and I'll leave your bags inside at the desk. You strike out… I'll go get you a hotel.
Argyle hands Geralt a business card with the number on it.
Geralt: You're all right Argyle.
Argyle: Just remember that when you sign for the tip
Argyle points to the Nakatomi building.
Argyle: They're paying for it, so don't be shy.
Geralt grins and heads inside.
The camera cuts back to the three Starfleet officers who are now standing dangerously close to the edge of the Bottomless Death Star Cavern.
Sulu points to a small air duct about fifteen feet down on the opposite side of the chasm.
Sulu: Look! There! Think I could make it?
Checkov: It would be easier than jumping all the way across.
Spock: I find our odds to be-
Spock is cut off by Sulu jumping from the ledge. His hands barely grab the lip of the opening with a noticeable thunk. Sulu visibly winces in pain as he slowly hauls himself into the enclosed vent.
Sulu: Great. Just when I thought I was done with these.
The vent is tight. There is no room to turn or look back, forcing Sulu to go ahead alone. The progress is slow. Checkov jumps next, following closely behind Sulu, leaving only Spock standing on the ledge.
Spock: How typical! They go running off and leave me stranded here! Alone!
Sparks strat to fly around the edges of the door as it slowly slides open, leaving Spock facing a squad of stormtroopers.
Spock: Don't kill me!
Trooper 1: Shut up. We won't kill you.
Trooper 2: Yeah, Gandalf would kill us if he found out that you didn't manage to squeeze all the prisoners into one cell!
Trooper 1: Dude! Shut the fuck up!
Trooper 2: Shit!
Trooper 2 attempts to cover his mouth through his helmet. Trooper 1 sgakes his head in clear frustration.
Trooper 1: Let's just get him back to the cell…
Sulu squeezes himself along through the air ducts. He pauses at a grate in the floor of the vent and looks down. The room below appears to be a hangar with a Firefly class cargo ship.
Sulu: Perfect!
Checkov (Screaming): HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY SPONSOR, RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS?
Sulu flinches as the sound echoes loudly throughout the enclosed space. He flinches, causing him to hit his head on the ceiling of the vent. This causes him to pull his head away, slamming it into the grate and sending him tumbling into the hangar below. Sulu lies 0on top of the ship, dazed and breathing heavily.
Sulu: Checkov… Why?
Checkov grins evilly and pokes his head out of the vent to talk to Sulu.
Checkov: You fool! I betrayed you and the Enterprise! I've been working with the Empire for some time now. Plotting my revenge. Soon, I will be the Captain!
Sulu: You absolute bitch! Why?
Checkov: Because I hate you! Because I hate everyone! But I won't tell you why until the climax of our epic struggle!
Checkov squirms farther down the vent, out of sight.
The camera pans away from Sulu lying on top of the large spaceship, looking defeated.
The credits roll.
Announcer: And that marks the end of the second episode of Star Trek 2009: The Series! What will happen to Sulu? What's going on with that Geralt subplot? Will we ever revisit the thing with Colonel Sanders? Look out for our next exciting episode where I'm pretty sure that nothing will be explained!