I Hate Myself For Loving You
Kitty Vics groaned loudly, trying to will her cell phone to silence. When the ringing continued, she reached over and unplugged it before raising it to her ear. "'Ello?" She asked, her voice sleepy and her eyes closed.
"Good morning! Is this," There was a pause on the other end of the line and she heard the sound of papers being shuffled around. "Kitty Vics?"
"Yea?"
"Hello, I'm Dan Coldi from Coldi and Brekers Law. How are you?"
"Unfortunately awake." Kitty said shortly, rubbing her eyes. She sat up, realizing she would not be permitted to continue her sleep.
"My apologies. I have time sensitive legal matters we need to get squared away. Are you going to attend Mr. Ashley LeRoux's funeral today?"
Kitty's eyes travelled to the outfit hanging innocently on her closet door. She had set it out two days ago, but hadn't made up her mind on whether she would go or not. "Yeah," She answered with a long, suffering sigh. "Yeah, I am."
"Great. That will make this go a lot smoother." He said. "I'll bring the documents to the service."
"Documents?" Kitty asked, her eyebrows laced together.
"It's standard procedure." The man assured her. "I will see you there, Ms. Vics."
Kitty heard the click of the line going dead and sat there in her bed for a minute, just staring at her phone's black screen. Eventually, she pried herself out of bed and took a very hot shower, trying to let the water calm herself down. She took extra time with her makeup and hair, thinking maybe if she looked her best, she would feel her best. Nothing worked and soon Kitty was pulling on her suit jacket over an eggplant colored blouse and black slacks. She stuck a black dahlia behind her ear with the rest of her hair flowing down her back. Before she could chicken out, Kitty shoved her phone into her jacket pocket and walked to the elevator and pressed the button leading to the kitchen.
Kitty wasn't expecting to see the Avengers and Logan standing in the living room, all in various funeral attire. Even Peter and Deadpool were there, giving the Avengers a rare look at Deadpool's scarred face. "You guys are going to the funeral?"
"We weren't going to make you go alone." Steve smiled softly.
Kitty pressed her lips together and felt her eyes tearing up. "Thank you so much." She hugged Steve and Tony, then Deadpool.
"We should probably get going, then." Natasha said, nodding to the door. Everyone filed out one by one, leaving Kitty and Logan alone.
Logan shrugged on his jacket as she walked up to him and smiled. "Nice suit." He had on a white dress shirt with the top two button undone and no tie. "But where's your noose?" Kitty asked, reaching up to fix the buttons.
"You're lucky I'm in the suit." The air felt charged with electricity as Logan looked down at her. He slowly moved his hand to her face, bringing her closer. Kitty's eyes fluttered shut and their lips had almost touched when Clint burst back into the room. Kitty and Logan jumped apart and tried their best to look nonchalant.
"Steve says we've got to get going." Clint told them, unaware of what had almost happened.
"Right. 'Course." Kitty said breathily. "I just had to grab something." She rushed back to her room and retrieved the sword Ashley had given her.
Ashley Sinclare LeRoux's funeral was small, especially for someone as wealthy as him. The only ones there other than the Avengers and Co. was a priest, a small dark haired woman crying, and a man in a business suit. Kitty listened to the priest talk about how precious life is and that we never realize how much we love someone until they're gone. The cold wind seemed to cut through her thin suit jacket, but Kitty wasn't shivering. She couldn't feel anything. Not sadness or anger or happiness. She just felt numb to everything.
Kitty removed her sunglasses, ignoring the burning in her eyes. The temporary pain was the least she could endure after what she'd done. Kitty stepped forward and gently placed the sword he gave her in the coffin, then pulled the dahlia out of her hair and set it on top. She slipped her glasses back on and watched as the coffin was lowered into the ground. And just like that, Ashley was dead and buried.
They were walking up the path to the church when the man in the suit approached the group. He was short and round with wire-framed glasses perched on his nose. His coal dark skin was clutching a brown suitcase and he was shaking slightly from the cold, despite wearing a thick wool coat. His eyes raked over the group and asked, "Ms. Vics?"
Kitty stepped forward. "Yeah?"
"Mr. Coldi," He offered her his free hand to shake. "We spoke on the phone."
Kitty nodded. "I remember."
"Excellent. I set up a room in the church, if you will follow me." Mr. Coldi waved his hand towards the small, white church on top of the hill.
Kitty turned back around to the group and said, "I'll be right back." She followed the lawyer up the hill and into the church. The room he led her to was small with only a long, dark wood table and chairs in it. She pulled up a chair and sat down across the man, folding her arms over her chest.
Mr. Coldi set down his briefcase on the table and unhooked the clasps before withdrawing several stacks of paper. He pushed his glasses up further on his wide nose and stared at Kitty. "This is the reading of Mr. Ashley Sinclare LeRoux's last Will and Testament." He recited officially. He looked back down at the stacks of papers laid out in front of him. "Ms. Vics...May I ask the nature of your relationship to Mr. LeRoux?"
"Professional." Kitty informed him. "I worked with him on several projects."
"Ahh." The lawyer looked unconvinced as he shuffled through some of the paperwork. "He left you quite a lot for just a professional relationship." Mr. Coldi paused and looked at her expectantly, but she just sat there with her arms crossed over her chest. "You see, Ms. Vics, most clients know exactly what they are receiving from the deceased...Were you aware that Mr. LeRoux-"
"Ashley." Kitty interrupted him, her eyes trained on the wood table. "His name is Ashley."
"Oh. Uh, yes. Very well." Mr. Coldi nodded. "Were you aware Ashley left you his entire estate?"
Kitty looked up at him, her mouth agape. "His what now?"
Mr. Coldi handed Kitty a stack of papers before explaining, "You are the sole beneficiary of his 7.9 million dollar life insurance. His three estates, one in Louisiana, one in Cazenac, France, and the other in Scarsdale upstate, will be transferred to your name. You own them as well as all of the possessions within them. He asks that you go through the estates before you sell them, particularly the Scarsdale mansion."
The lawyer looked up at her over his glasses. "He said there are certain items there you might find to be of interest. The taxes have already been taken out and he lined up two offers for the estates, should you wish to sell. He told me you would most likely take that route. The keys are labelled in the folder."
Kitty could just stare at the lawyer with her mouth open as he continued handing her papers in a folder.
"With his death, the sixty-one percent stock he owns in the company defaults to you, putting you on the board of directors. He recommends you sell it to the head chairman. He had me draw up all the documents, should you wish to perform these tasks." Mr. Coldi reached into his briefcase and withdrew a white, sealed envelope. "He also asked me personally to give this to you two weeks ago." He slid the envelope to her but Kitty just stared down at it. "Congratulations." Mr. Coldi stood up and smoothed his jacket. "You are now a very wealthy woman, Ms. Vics." He gathered his supplies and left Kitty sitting at the table in the church.
Kitty stared down at the envelope on the table for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, she picked it up and broke the seal before pulling out the letter. The black script was small and elegant and Kitty felt tears prickling at her eyes.
"My Dearest Dahlia," The letter started.
"If Mr. Coldi has followed through on his promise and given this to you, it means I am dead. I hope that, out of all the people in this world, it was you who pulled the trigger. I am sorry and after everything I have done to you, you deserve your revenge and I deserve to die. I know it does not make up for anything, but I left you everything I have, save for my name. And I would have gladly given you that, if you had only said yes.
I have the feeling you will sell everything off, not that I blame you. Please visit Scarsdale, though, for there are things there that could use your attention. I'm sure someone as beautiful as you will know how to tend to one of my most prized possessions. Mr. Coldi and my accountants will take care of everything for you to be comfortable.
I know there's no good reason or excuse for what I have done to you, but please know that the moment we met, I fell in love with you. You clouded my mind and I couldn't breathe without thinking of you and if you felt this need as well, this longing connection to me. After the night we spent together, I thought about changing sides. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be a villain if you wouldn't join me...And it terrified me. I had never even came close to loving someone like that before and hated the sensation so much that I sought to destroy it...I sought to destroy you. It was not fair to you or your family and for that, I am especially sorry. I hope you have a long, happy life.
With everlasting love,
Ashley."
By the time she had finished reading through the letter twice, Kitty was very glad she had wore waterproof mascara. She slowly folded the letter back up and shoved it in its envelope before gathering up the rest of the papers and folders. She pressed the folder to her chest and walked out of the room to see that everyone was in the church, waiting for her.
"What was that about?" Tony asked, nodding to the folder in Kitty's hand.
"Nothing." Kitty said softly. "Absolutely nothing."
The group went back to the Tower. Kitty noticed that her family were sneaking concerned looks at each other when they thought she couldn't see. Logan, Tony, and Steve were the worst. At some points, they didn't even try to conceal their glances. Kitty decided that she couldn't wait till later to start going through Ashley's Scarsdale estate for fear she wouldn't be able to. It was this thought that drove Kitty to sneak out of the Tower and take her motorcycle upstate.
She knew it was Ashley's estate from one look. The large manor was a Tudor-style home, complete with a stone turret that reminded Kitty of the princess towers in storybooks. She parked her bike on the cobblestone pavement near the line of shrubs and flowers. Pulling off her helmet, she shook out her long hair and looked up at the home. There were lamp-posts flickering on as the sun fell from the sky, casting the manor into a golden light, emphasizing its beauty and fantasy qualities.
Taking a deep breath, Kitty walked up to the house and withdrew the key that the lawyer gave her. The inside of the house was even more impressive than the outside. The high arches of the ceiling were adorned with chandeliers and stained glass windows with colorful mermaids set in. Oxford blue plush loveseats with gold thread sat pressed against a wall under a large oil painting.
Kitty walked through the entry room into the kitchen, which nearly took her breath away. As someone who loved cooking, seeing the double oven and marble island in the very spacious kitchen was mesmerizing. She continued until she found her intended destination:
The turret tower staircase. It was narrow, but still ostentatious, with more oil paintings and wall sconces with dim lights. Kitty's hand hovered over the door handle, her breathing heavier and her heart racing. She jerked open the door, but was not expecting what lay inside.
The round turret had three large panel windows on the left of the door with a steel grey, built-in window sofa. The windows looked over the yard behind the house, where there was a garden full of colorful flowers and marble statues. Mirrors in all different sizes with frames of all different shapes and colors lined the rest of the walls.
A large, eggplant colored grand piano sat opposite the door. When Kitty walked closer, she saw that there was a creme colored dahlia freshly painted on the top. A surge of anger and frustration coursed through Kitty and she felt the overwhelming urge to destroy her reflection in the mirrors.
Unable to stand it, she started punching and kicking the mirrors until they broke. It wasn't long until her motorcycle gloves tore away, leaving her pale skin exposed. Kitty wasn't paying attention to the pain of the sharps cutting into her hands and knuckles. Instead, she focused all of her energy on destroying the mirrors. Blood leaked from her hands and tears from her eyes as she tried to fight off the memories of Ashley. She saw his smile and anger and hate, pushing her further into her rage. Kitty remembered his mossy green eyes and the wolfish grin that his mouth seemed to be permanently frozen in. She remembered kissing him, the way his lips felt on hers, and it fueled her rage.
Eventually, when every mirror was shattered and broken, she allowed herself to slide to the ground and break down. She begrudgingly had to admit that she was actually attracted to Ashley. Not in the 'I want to spend the rest of my life with this man', but that she felt physically attracted to the asshole that tried to kill her multiple times. Sounds about right, she thought bitterly. Always fall for the assholes.
Kitty laid her forehead on one of the broken mirror's frame and openly cried, pressing her palm to a piece of mirror still hanging on the wall. She heard a quiet sound coming from the open door and immediately stood up, her gun drawn.
Deadpool and Peter were in the doorway of the turret, their hands raised as Kitty held the gun pointed at them.
"Why'd you follow me?" Kitty asked, her voice wavering from her crying fit.
Deadpool nodded to Peter. "Baby-boy made me."
"We were worried about you after the funeral." Peter said quickly, his hands still raised.
Kitty put away her weapon and started clearing the tears from her face, trying to look like she hadn't been crying. Deadpool and Peter looked around the tower at the broken and bloody mirrors surrounding Kitty, littering the floor.
Peter cautiously noted, "It looks like we came at a bad time, though."
A very small woman with her dark hair pulled up into a bun hurried up the stairs, only to stop abruptly when she saw the outcome of Kitty's rage. Kitty recognized her as the older woman from Ashley's funeral. "Oh! Oh, my! You are hurt!" The woman's voice was heavily accented and Kitty came to the conclusion she was from South America, perhaps Ecuador. She hurried off and came back moments later with a small first aid kit. "I am Daniela, do not worry, I will clean that up." She nodded to the mirrors before pulling Kitty to sit on the couch. Using a cloth to clean up the blood from Kitty's knuckles, she inspected the cuts.
Kitty shook her head and said, "Leave it. It's not your mess, I'll get it later." She watched the woman clean her cuts before placing gauze pads over the wound.
Daniela smiled as she wrapped the dressings around each of Kitty's fingers individually. "You must be Ms. Vics. Mr. LeRoux told me all about you."
"He did?" Kitty asked quietly, her eyes flicking to Deadpool and Peter.
"Yes, yes." Daniela finished tending to Kitty's left hand before moving to her right. "He just went on and on." The woman looked up at Kitty and said, "I could fill a book!"
Kitty took a deep breath. "Are you his mother?"
Daniela laughed. "No, no, though, I might as well be." She chatted, wrapping up Kitty's knuckles. "Mr. LeRoux's mother died when he was four." She sighed sadly and shook her head. "I was his nanny then and now I am the housekeeper." She finished fixing Kitty up and put away the medical supplies. "There you go, all fixed."
Kitty stood up and crossed the room, lightly touching the grand piano.
"Every nice thing in the house, that was his favorite." She smiled at Deadpool and Peter as Kitty sat down on the bench. "Sometimes, he would stay awake all night and just play and play. I had to learn how to sleep through it, I swear, the boy never slept."
Kitty looked through the sheet music he had laid out before selecting one. She raised her hands and placed her gauze covered fingers on the keys. She cautiously pressed down on a key, as if afraid it would break under the pressure. When she was satisfied it wouldn't, Kitty looked up and started playing the song.
"I've heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do you?" Kitty's music and singing flowed through the turret, curling through the air. She ignored the pain in her hands and played Rufus Wainwright's 'Hallelujah' until the end.
"That was just so beautiful." Daniela said, dapping at her eyes with a tissue.
"I didn't know you played piano." Deadpool blurted out, watching Kitty as she picked out another piece.
"I didn't either." Kitty shook her head and played a soft melody. "I've actually never touched a piano before."
Peter walked over to the piano and looked at the complicated sheet music she was working off of. "Really? You've never played?"
"Yeah. I watched my father play sometimes, but I wasn't ever allowed to touch the piano, much less play it." Kitty told them, finishing off the lullaby. She turned around and asked, "Daniela, is there anythin' here you would like?"
"Excuse me?"
"Jewelry, clothing, furniture. Anything?" Kitty asked, guestering around. "If you want it, take it."
"Ms. Vics, I can't." Daniela shook her head, her eyes wide.
"You can call me Kitty." She told the woman. "And yes, you can. You can't tell me in a place this big, you've never had something catch your eye."
Daniela's thin eyebrows drew together and she said, "Maybe some of the silver-"
"Take all the silver. I'll help you box it up, if you'd like." Kitty offered eagerly. "If you need furniture moved or anything, we'll, uh," She had no idea who you called to move medieval furniture that probably cost more than her life. "We'll call a person. Send it wherever you'd like."
"So, he left you all of this?" Peter asked, looking out of the glass windows at the garden.
"I am not surprised," Daniela admitted. "They way he talked about you, I am not surprised."
"Wonder how much you'd get for a place like this." Deadpool commented.
"Doesn't matter." Kitty said shortly. "I'm not keeping the money. I'll give it to a shelter or foundation or something."
"Okay…" Peter nodded, still unsure.
"When do you want to do it?" Deadpool asked.
"I don't know, as soon as possible, I guess, but we've got to go through everything. Anything you guys want, you can have." Kitty told them. "We'll start tomorrow. It's late. I'll have to call a professional for the piano."
"I'm a professional." Deadpool said helpfully.
"I meant a professional piano mover, not a professional hit-" Kitty's eyes slid to Daniela. "Hypnotist. Hey, Daniela?"
"Yes, Ms. Vics?"
"Kitty." She corrected. She glanced at her phone and was shocked to find that it was rather late at night now. "Um, is there somewhere we could stay here?"
"Yes," Daneila nodded enthusiastically and Kitty had the impression that she didn't want to be alone in such a big house. "There are plenty of bonus rooms that you can be in."
"Great." Kitty smiled tightly before turning to face Deadpool and Peter. "Do you want to stay here?"
"Sure."
"Yeah, why not?" Deadpool shrugged. They walked down the tower steps and Deadpool paused at an oil painting on the wall. It was of a rocky ocean shore with a lighthouse. "Hey, can I have this?"
"Yeah, take whatever you want, Sarge."
"Oh, that is not the best of Mr. LeRoux's work." Daniela said dismissively as she continued leading everyone down to the foyet.
"He painted that?" Kitty asked.
"Yes, he painted all of these," Daniela motioned to all the artwork on the walls throughout the house. "He was really excellent at it."
"Yeah, he was." Kitty whispered.
"Here is one room for someone," Daniela showed them a very large, extravagant room decorated in rich reds and golds.
"Don't worry, he and I will share the bed." Deadpool nodded to Peter.
"Very well," Daniela said with no predjuidce. She watched them go into the room before her and Kitty walked away. "I have another spare room over here-"
"Actually, um," Kitty avoided meeting Daniela's eyes. "I was, uh, wondering if I could stay in Ashley's room."
Daniela smiled kindly and nodded. "Of course." She led Kitty down several hallways (Kitty was definitely going to get lost later) and finally stopped in front of a set of double doors with gold handles. "Here it is." She looked at Kitty with pity and sorrow. "I will let you be." Daniela turned to walk away, but paused. "He really loved you, you know."
Tears pricked at Kitty's eyes.
"I had never seen him so in love. He did not really love people," She sighed. "You could imagine how happy I was when he told me of you years ago. He says," Daniela smiled. "'I saw the most beautiful girl today, madre, and I purposely bumped into her to make conversation. And she told me that she would cut off a piece of me if I was not more careful. Madre, I think I'm in love.'" A tear escaped Daniela's eyes and she wiped it away with a tissue. "He did things I was not proud of, did not approve of, but I loved him as my own son. And now he is gone from me." She was full on crying now. "I am sorry, I did not mean to-"
"No, it's okay." Kitty assured her. "I understand and I'm sorry. God, I am so sorry."
"I will let you be now." Daniela practically ran to her own room so she could cry in private.
Daniela's fit left Kitty with a bad taste in her mouth. She stood at the entrance to Ashley's room for about an hour before she finally turned the door knob and opened the door.
She's not sure what she was expecting for Ashley's room, but this was exactly what she imagined. The room was the size of the Tower's living room, kitchen, AND Kitty's own floor plan put together and it was breathtakingly beautiful. The walls were painted a deep, rich blue and accented with dark wood pieces. A large four poster bed was in the middle of the room with a satin settee by the foot of the bed. A rather large painting was on a giant easel in the corner, surrounded by scrunched up tubes of oil paints and various paint brushes. The slight smell of turpentine burned Kitty's nose as she walked up to the painting to examine it. It was a mermaid in the ocean that looked suspiciously like Kitty, with similar hair and facial features. She was luring a man (obviously modelled after Ashley) out of a boat and into the water. Kitty could tell that in the piece, with its dark colors and harsh brush strokes, the man was about to fall to his death in his pursuit for a kiss from the mermaid.
"I'm sorry." Kitty whispered. She walked over to the bureau and found a clean white t-shirt to wear to bed. Kitty stripped off her clothes until she was just in her underwear and she pulled his shirt on. Almost like she was numb and in a trace, she climbed into his bed and hugged one of the pillows to her chest. And then she cried again.
Eventually, Kitty ran out of tears and fell asleep, still clutching the pillow that smelled of Ashley's cologne. She woke up long after the sun came up. "Ashley?" She murmured, her eyes still closed. "Ashley?" When he didn't respond, she opened her eyes and looked around. It took her a good minute or two for her to realize that Ashley wasn't there and wouldn't be coming.
They got to work almost immediately after breakfast. They (minus Daniela, who was looking for stuff for herself) meticulously combed through all of his stuff to find whatever they thought to be of interest.
"So, were you fucking him?" Deadpool asked in a gossipy tone as he put a few pairs of underwear into his take-home pile. Kitty silently took the underwear and put it in the get-rid-of pile.
"Wade!" Peter hissed.
"Come on! The guy gives her his mansions and everything in them?" Deadpool snorted and guestered to the pile in front of him. "That's pussy whipped."
"So it's true." Peter said quietly as he watched Kitty take a swig from a bottle of Jack.
"Is that why he blew us up?" Deadpool sounded incredulous. "A fucking couples spat?"
Kitty shook her head and took another sip.
"You slept with him AFTER the bomb?"
"Maybe a little." Kitty admitted sheepishly. She picked up a shirt and put it in her take-home pile.
"That's fucked up," Deadpool shook his head. "Even for you, Vics."
"In my defense," Kitty started, but she faltered. "Actually," She said slowly. "I don't have a defense. I don't know why I was with him."
"Why'd you kill him?" Deadpool asked as nicely as he could.
Kitty paused. "He knew things about me and about you guys that I was afraid he'd tell the world if our relationship ever went sour, which it was bound to do." She sighed. "So I took care of it before he could."
"What'd he know?" Peter wondered aloud.
"Too much." Kitty said in a way that obviously signalled the end of the conversation.
By the end of the week, Kitty had all of the stuff she was keeping in a storage locker upstate and she finally made her way back home. Peter must have told Tony though, because he was waiting for her when she got up to her room.
Kitty walked into her room and said, "Okay, I know you aren't on my couch with your shoes on."
Tony quietly removed his shoes.
"Thank you."
"Those are some nice bandages on your knuckles," Tony nodded to her cut up hands. When she didn't answer, he asked, "Are you going to have Banner look at whatever's wrong with them?"
"Wasn't plannin' on it."
"Can I look?"
Kitty plopped down beside him and warned, "You don't want to."
"I think I do."
She slowly and carefully unwrapped the bandages, which were still saturated with blood to the point that they were almost dripping. She had been picking at the scabs everytime she thought of Ashley...Which was often.
Tony sighed and visibly deflated. "Please tell me the other guy's face looks worse."
Kitty considered her answer carefully. "I can honestly say that what I punched is now broken."
Tony retrieved supplies to rebandage her knuckles and set them up on the coffee table. Kitty suddenly became overwhelmed at all of the events of the past week and broke down. Tony silently wrapped his arms around her so Kitty could press her face to his chest as she cried. He ran his hand over her hair and occasionally handed Kitty a tissue.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Kitty shook her head and continued crying.
"Do you want to talk to someone else about it?" Tony asked quietly. "I can get Steve-"
"No." Kitty sniffed and used a tissue to wipe some of the tears off her cheeks. "No, I just-" She pressed her lips together and looked up at him. "I just need my dad."
Tony kissed the top of her head.