She jerked to consciousness just before they cut off her bra. Amanda stared up at the ceiling, panting. The ache had returned to her scalp and her head throbbed, a tight pressure at the crown of her head that cascaded down to her neck and shoulders.

Rollins grit her teeth and switched on her bedside lamp, automatically bringing up a hand to shield her eyes. She had no concept of the time, but it was too quiet. Surely by now, Jesse would have woken up and crawled into bed with her, or Billie would have wanted to eat.

Amanda pushed the comforter back and climbed out of bed, relieved the pain in her head no longer gripped her motor function.

Billie wasn't in her crib.

Her heart dropped out.

You know what, Rollins? You're damn lucky you're the one that's here.

Her brain caught up as she wrenched her bedroom door open. Liv was here. Liv was here, and there was light emanating from the living room.

There was Olivia swaying with Billie, oblivious to Amanda's panic.

"Is she okay?"

Olivia turned and gave her a warm smile. "She's okay. Just wanted a bottle. I think she was just a little off schedule with the hospital last night. Sienna had some in the fridge."

Amanda nodded, the thudding in her chest starting to dull down. "Sorry; I didn't hear her."

Olivia waved off her apology, kissing Billie's forehead and gently passing her to Amanda. "I was awake. She wasn't fussy, just talking, right, baby girl?" As if on cue, she began to babble.

The clock on the cable box read 3:07. Had Olivia not slept? Or had nightmares plagued her, too?

"Thank you," Amanda said, delayed in her response, pulling Billie close. She smelled like Olivia's perfume. They had been out here for a while. "You don't seem tired, sweet girl. But it's nighttime, hm? You have to sleep." Turning her attention to Olivia, she asked, "Have you slept?"

The question appeared to catch her off-guard, and Rollins watched as she debated her answer.

"No." Her captain sank down into the couch and scrubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands. "I checked on Jesse and Noah a little bit ago though. They're asleep, and Frannie's curled up with Noah. What about you? You were out when Billie woke up. Bad dream?"

Though the immediate scare of Billie's empty crib had wiped away the images of Bucci and Patton temporarily, Amanda could feel them lurking now, their fingers ghosting along her neck, her waist, her thighs.

"Amanda?"

She snapped her head up to Olivia. "Hm? Sorry. I'm okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Billie mewled, and Amanda shifted her onto her hip. "Okay, baby. Momma's right here." To Olivia she said, "I just haven't had one in a while."

"A nightmare," she clarified, beckoning her over to the couch. Billie immediately reached for Olivia's hair. "Hey, we talked about this," she laughed. "You can hold my hand, pretty girl." After extricating Billie's fist, Olivia offered her finger as a replacement, which Billie grabbed and began to gnaw on.

"You're lucky Aunt Olivia's so sweet to you," Amanda said, and the moment she spoke, she found her throat tight. There was that damn word. Her nightmare came hurtling back, knocking her breath from her lungs.

"Amanda, where'd you go? What's wrong?"

"Can you—" She slid Billie over to Olivia's lap and dashed to the bathroom, falling ungracefully to her knees. She retched, her stomach convulsing violently despite being empty. The pounding of her skull intensified.

Bucci was still loose somewhere, and Amanda was trapped in a body that kept attacking her, barely out of his reach.

"Rollins, you okay?" Olivia hovered in the doorway, sans baby. "She's playing in the bouncer," Olivia said, reading her mind. "How's your head?"

"Hurts like a bitch," Amanda admitted, sitting back against the tub.

"You're probably due for more meds," Liv said, frowning. "Think you can stomach it?" Rollins shrugged. "Washcloths?" Amanda pointed to a cabinet behind the door, too exhausted to feel guilty.

Her eyes dragged shut. Immediately Bucci swam to the forefront of her mind. She could smell the vodka on his breath, his smile lewd with his inebriation. He skimmed his fingers across her forehead—

"No! No." But it was Olivia. Amanda sucked in a breath, apologies tumbling from her mouth, but Benson hushed her.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry." Olivia tucked the hair back from Amanda's face and wiped the washcloth along her forehead and cheeks, the water cool and soothing against her clammy skin. "Just try to stay here, with me. You're safe. I'm here, and there's a patrol car downstairs."

She hadn't realized that anything more than Olivia Benson stood between her and Frank Bucci, not that she doubted Liv's ability or willingness to protect them. Still, it was a comfort.

Gathering up Amanda's hair in one hand, Olivia draped the washcloth across the back of Amanda's neck. "Better?"

Amanda bobbed her head. "Thank you."

"So Amanda, I'm on your side, right—I won't make you if you don't want to—but they said if you kept getting sick they wanted to see you again."

"I'm okay right now."

"Okay." Olivia stood and reached out both hands. "Let's get you some meds."

"I got it," Amanda said, pushing herself up from the floor. She stopped to wash her hands and Olivia lingered, perhaps not trusting Amanda's balance.

On their way to the kitchen, Rollins scooped up Billie, though she was perfectly content to play. It was the familiar weight that Amanda craved, the perfect way her little body fit against Rollins and anchored her. "No sleeping for you, huh, baby girl?"

Sienna would be left picking up the pieces in the morning, when Billie was fussy and too tired to let herself settle; or, Amanda considered, maybe all Billie would do was sleep and Amanda would be left to deal with a nocturnal infant indefinitely.

It struck her then that in the morning, she wouldn't be going to the precinct or yanked from her bed to a crime scene. There was not a normal in sight for a long while.

Darkness dragged at her ankles as she followed Liv into the kitchen, nodding at the cabinet high above the sink. The pill bottle was gone from the counter, though Amanda had no recollection of Olivia disposing of its contents. Now, maybe the sedative wouldn't be so terrible. Everything ached—her head, her jaw, her very soul.

"You should eat something, too," Benson said, retrieving ibuprofen and acetaminophen. "If we're gonna double up, especially. It'll be hard on your stomach."

Olivia was right. Olivia was often right. And yet, Amanda's defiant, self-destructive tendencies reared their head.

"I'm good," she said into the top of Billie's head, rocking the two of them. Billie beat her hand against Amanda's clavicle, slick with drool that could be felt even through Rollins' pajama top.

"Trade you?" Olivia held her arms out, saying nothing of Amanda's refusal to eat. They had pumped her full of fluids and nutrients in the hospital, her first excuse to avoid nourishment. Then Liv had made her tea, so that half-counted. She was fine.

Billie cooed as she went to her godmother; briefly Amanda could feel warmth in her chest that disentangled the tight fist of anxiety that resided there.

Rollins knocked back the collection of pills Olivia had set on the counter all at once and then chased them down with (an inadequate amount of) water.

"Rollins, come on. Humor me."

She rolled her eyes and chugged the rest of the glass, making a face at Olivia that Billie found hysterical. She belly-laughed in Olivia's arms.

Bucci was right; Rollins was damn lucky.

The next morning, Amanda crouched in front of Jesse, a hand outstretched. "Next time, baby. You're not even dressed yet." Jesse scrunched up her face and stomped her foot.

"No, Momma. Now."

"Jesse Murphy," Amanda scolded. Jesse twisted her body away as her mother tried to pull her closer.

Noah was finishing the last of his orange juice, and, prompted by Lucy, about to leave for school, much to Jesse's dismay. It wasn't that Lucy would have minded Jesse tagging along to drop Noah off, but Olivia understood Amanda's need to have Jesse by her side.

"Hey, Jesse," Olivia said, reaching in to scoop her up and away from Amanda, "I thought you were gonna come help me at work today, remember? You can't do that if you go with Lucy and Noah." Jesse considered this, looking from Olivia to her mother and back again. "Uncle Sonny will be there, and Fin…"

"Okay," Jesse relented.

"Okay. Can you go pick out some clothes with Mommy?"

There was something fragile in the way Amanda was curled up on the living room floor, but Olivia couldn't quite place it. "Yeah, c'mon, sweetheart; let's go find something fun to wear," Amanda said. Frannie pawed at Amanda's leg, desperate to be included.

"Can Miss Lucy help?"

"Oh, I bet Mommy would do a much better job," Lucy said brightly, gathering her coat and purse. "You about ready, little man?"

Noah nodded and wrapped his arms around Olivia's waist. "Hey, sweet boy," she murmured, hugging back one-armed, "You have a good day, okay? I love you." She leaned down to kiss the top of his head, balancing Jesse on her opposite hip.

"I love you, too, Mom."

"Lucy's going to take you to dance after school, okay? But I'll come pick you up."

"Okay." Noah smiled and squeezed tight. "Bye, Jesse!" He held his hand up and Jesse high-fived him, giggling.

Lucy held up Noah's backpack, but Noah turned toward the living room and bent down to Amanda first, holding on tight. He whispered something in her ear and Amanda closed her eyes.

"Me too, honey," Amanda said, rubbing her hand on his back. "But I don't want you to worry. Everything's okay now."

"I know," Olivia heard him say clearly as he stood. Amanda grinned at him as Lucy helped with his jacket, but it didn't meet her eyes.

"Bye, baby," Benson said, waving. The door clicked shut behind the duo, and Oliva turned her efforts back to Jesse, switching tactics. "You know what? I bet Mommy and I can clean up the dishes faster than you can get dressed," she wagered, arching her eyebrows.

"Nuh-uh! I'm so fast!"

"Alright, show me. Go!" Jesse scampered off to her room. "Rollins?"

"I'm okay, I'm fine. I should check on Billie."

"Let her sleep." Olivia sat down on the couch and patted next to her. "What's going on, Amanda? Did Noah say something? I'm so sorry. I'll talk to—"

"Oh, no, Liv. No. You have such a beautiful boy. I love Noah." But even as the words left her lips, her eyes filled with tears. She hadn't moved from her spot in the middle of the living room, one leg drawn up to her chest.

"Honey, what? Talk to me." She eased off the couch and down next to Rollins, reaching one hand to cover Amanda's kneecap. Frannie nudged Olivia's forearm with her nose, and Benson scratched between the dog's ears.

"It's stupid," Amanda insisted, swiping under her eyes and starting to stand. Liv grabbed her wrists and pulled her back down.

"Not to me, Rollins. What is it?"

She hesitated, and Olivia was acutely aware of the time passing. At any moment, Sienna would show up for the day, or Jesse would come flying back out of her bedroom, or Billie would wake up hungry. Time was more precious now, and soon she'd have to go into the precinct and their time together would be scrutinized. Even if Olivia could afford to be "soft" on the job, she knew Amanda would accept none of her compassion in public.

"When Bucci had me, all I could think about was getting back to my girls, and now I'm back and…"

"And what?" Liv asked softly, wiping away a tear with her thumb.

"I'm just…not enough. I'm a mess, and Jesse doesn't even want me—"

"Oh, honey. No. No. Look at me, Amanda." Rollins raked her fingers through her hair and met Olivia's gaze, albeit reluctantly. "You are enough. Jesse's three; three-year-olds always want what they can't have. She was so scared for you, Amanda. She didn't understand, but she could read the room. She's perceptive. We all kept her busy, and she adores Sienna, and Carisi spent a lot of time with them, but Amanda, she's yours. She wanted her momma."

"If I had just told you I was seeing Hanover, or brought my gun in…"

"Or if I had made a better case the first time," Olivia mused. It was eating at her, the guilt, the what ifs; and though her own time in therapy made her better at diminishing the impact of those feelings, it didn't prevent them from occurring.

She was the alpha. She made plenty of room at the top for the rest of her team to shine, but it was her job to lead them, to protect them, and she had failed. Bucci had kidnapped and assaulted Rollins and it was on Olivia.

"Liv? This isn't your fault."

"I'm your captain; I should have been more vigilant. I'm so sorry, Amanda." Tears threatened to spill from her own eyes. Amanda set her hands at Olivia's shoulders, squeezing.

"No one saw this coming."

"I should have," Olivia insisted, despite the irrationality of the statement.

"No. If I have to stop saying I'm unworthy, you have to stop holding yourself to an impossible standard. You are enough, too, Liv."

As the weight of that statement began to settle on them both, Jesse emerged from her room, completely mismatched.

"The kitchen's messy! I win!"

Setting foot in the precinct without a case to sort out was unnerving. Benson had let her keep her gun and badge, but Amanda still felt uneasy. Olivia knew bits and pieces of her binge with Bucci, but Amanda giving her statement was an overwhelming task. In the details, she was terrified. In the details, she was powerless. In the details, she wasn't a detective, she was a victim.

"So I thought we could set up in my office and put the girls with Sienna in the interview room so you can still see them," Olivia said as they all stepped out of the elevator. "Does that sound okay?"

Amanda nodded stiffly as her squad unfolded in front of her. Fin hung up his phone call. Kat appeared from the break room. Carisi stood from her desk, closing a case file. Her picture hung neatly on the board next to a photo of Bucci.

"Amanda, you alright?"

"Fine." Jesse let go of her hand and ran to Carisi.

"Baby, hold on—" But already, she was being swung through the air, laughing with Sonny. She had to force herself to slow her breathing. She was safe. It was safe here. Her team would protect her, Bucci be damned.

Billie pulled at Rollins' sweater and Amanda took her from Sienna; she nestled her head under her mother's chin. "Hey, you," Rollins whispered. Billie yawned. "Oh, now you're sleepy, huh?"

They had considered letting Sienna have a break today, but the truth of it was that they were short-staffed without Rollins and Bucci was still out there. Rollins would never forgive herself if something happened to Sienna because Frank's drunken rampage was still ongoing. He had proven himself unpredictable. And stupid, honestly. Amanda wasn't high-ranking, but she was NYPD, and they had scoured the city for her. It had just been too late.

Benson summoned Kat. "Hey, it's good to see you," Kat said, Amanda going rigid in her arms when the young officer embraced her. Billie popped her head up and separated the two of them. "You too, Billie." Kat smiled, and Amanda did her best to return the gesture.

She could feel Olivia watching their exchange and her cheeks burned.

"Kat, can you get them settled in the interview room?" It was phrased as a question, but there was no room for discussion. Though her tone was all business, Olivia's hand fell to the small of Amanda's back, reassuring. "I'm just going to catch up with Fin and Carisi before we get started."

"Of course, Captain." Briefly, Amanda wondered if this how all the women felt, being herded into one room or another. This was a home of sorts to her, but it had never felt more foreign, not even on her first day.

They stopped at her desk and Carisi fussed over Billie and then, less obviously, Rollins, squeezing her bicep, Jesse sitting on his shoulders.

"It's good to see you on your feet, Rollins."

"It's nice to be able to walk in a straight line again."

"How are you holding up?"

"Mommy, look!" Jesse squealed, leaning over Carisi's head to poke Amanda's forehead. Billie stirred at the sound of her sister's voice.

"I know; you're so tall, Jesse! But hey, we have to give Uncle Sonny a break, okay? He has to go work."

"We can play later?"

"Of course, munchkin. We can get pizza for lunch. Does that sound yummy?"

"Ooh, yes!" She clambered down off Carisi's shoulder's and landed on the floor with a thwack, heading into the interview room where Sienna was waiting in the doorway.

"Thanks, Carisi."

"Don't mention it." He leaned in to kiss the back of Billie's head, letting his hand linger on Rollins' shoulder. Billie was beginning to drift off, growing heavier against Amanda's chest. "We'll nail the bastard," he assured her, too low for anyone else to hear. "I'll nail him."

But in her gut, she wasn't sure she wanted that. Frank Bucci had been awful to her, and Olivia had spent so much time mothering her at the scene, talking to her about his lack of mitigating circumstances—and still her own demons wrestled within her. What if it had been Jesse or Billie? What if the gambling and the drinking hadn't been so carefully tamed and she were in over her head? There were a hundred ways Rollins could envision herself spiraling, and they all terrified her.

"Hey, you okay?" Rollins jerked her gaze back to Carisi, who had pulled back, his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah. I wish everyone would stop asking me that. I'm fine."

"Okay, sorry," he said, raising his hands defensively as she walked to meet Sienna in the interview room. Her chest tightened at thought of Carisi upset with her, but she was equally nauseated with the idea of letting everyone watch her drown.

Jesse hardly paid her any attention as she collapsed into a chair across from Kat too hard; she and Billie rolled backwards an inch or two before Amanda stopped the motion with her foot. Billie startled in her arms. Instinctively, it seemed, Sienna reached for the baby.

"No, I got it," Amanda said quickly, pulling herself into the table. "Hey, hey, shhh. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. Momma's got you, it's okay." Amanda stroked her fingers along the back of Billie's head, along to her cheek, down her neck. Billie settled back against Amanda and smacked her lips against Rollins' clavicle, winding her little fist in a wavy lock of her mother's hair.

"How do you feel, Rollins?" Kat asked.

"Fine," she lied, forcing a smile. Jesse pulled three books off the toy shelf in the corner and brought them over to Sienna, awkwardly maneuvering around the armrests of the chair to get up into her lap. She grinned at her mother upon being successful.

"You found some good ones, huh?" She continued absentmindedly running her fingers over the back of Billie's head and tracing circles on her back. Slowly, Billie was sinking back down.

Jesse held the first book up to Sienna. "Hold on, peanut. Amanda, do you need anything? Water, a snack? Coffee?"

Rollins shook her head.

"Ohhh, I want a snack," Jesse announced, placing the book back on the table. Kat chuckled.

"No, you just had breakfast, silly. Momma forgot today," Sienna said.

"Oh, Momma you need some," Jesse asserted seriously, tilting her head.

"In a little bit," she fudged, embarrassed that her three year old could make her feel so exposed in front of her nanny and a green SVU officer. Amanda was supposed to be the adult, and here was Sienna, offering her a snack and a juice box.

She craned her neck to see out into the squad room. Olivia was gesticulating toward the case board, but Amanda couldn't make out their conversation.

"Hey, Rollins," Kat said, drawing her attention, "Don't get in your head. They're just touching base about Bucci. I'm sure the Captain will fill you in."

"Okay," she sighed, trying to be appreciative of Kat's support.

Jesse and Sienna had begun paging through the first book in the stack on the table, Sienna softly reading each line and then asking Jesse to find something in the illustration.

Billie relaxed completely against Amanda's chest, her fist going slack in Amanda's hair.

It was everything she needed—peace in the middle of a roaring sea.