AN: Vulcan word translations:
ashalik- beloved (roughly)
da ek'zuru- IDIC pendent
katra- soul
Spunau bolayalar t'Wehku bolayalar t'Zamu il t'Veh- Cast out fear, there is no room for anything else until you cast out fear
Trip hurried from the mess to T'Pol's quarters. They shared a constant state of emotional awareness. Her rage threatened to consume her mind and soul. She needed him to help her maintain a measure of control. Meditation once a pleasure for him during the past six months, now served as an anchor to sanity. His experience grieving for Charles the Cogenitor, Lizzie, Lorian, and Sim, couldn't prepare him for this. He held on to the comfort of loving T'Pol and their determination to remain united.
T'Pol looked up as Charles entered and relief flooded her. He would care for her and allow her to care for him. Their balance would be restored, and they would prevail. In what seemed like a flash, she hurled herself into his arms and melted into his touch. "Are you well, ashalik?" she murmured into his ear.
"I'm fine, darling," Trip replied, stroking her face gently, "but we really need to meditate. You're not doing so well. I could feel your anger all the way here. Come on, I'll light the candles."
T'Pol set up the cushions while Trip prepared the candles. He wrapped his arms around her waist, gently settling her is his lap. Trip smiled softly when he felt her breathing even out and her mind slip into meditation. Comforting her helped ease his own grief profoundly. Placing a small kiss on her temple, he started to control his breathing and allowed himself to fall into his own meditation. Their shared mental space quivered with the force of their pain, through the link, he would use his human control to make the grief easier for her to process. An hour later, T'Pol came out of her meditation feeling considerably more in control of her emotions. Where an ordinary human would be crushed by the power of a Vulcan's heart and soul, he immersed himself in hers. He demanded the right to fight her demons and always came out victorious. He held a claim to goodness and devotion far superior to her own, and she cherished it beyond anything she knew.
The shuttle taking them to Vulcan's surface docked in one hour. T'Pol specifically requested that a Vulcan shuttle escort her and Charles. She admitted to herself that while her loyalty remained to her Captain and this crew, her trust in humanity had weathered a near fatal blow. She would not allow harm to come to herself or her Charles. With her body full of tension and no time for neuro-pressure; a hot shower would take care of her needs effectively until they reached Vulcan. Very carefully, she slipped out of his arms, and allowed herself a moment of satisfaction when Charles did not become distracted from his mediation. Gathering the robes, she would wear to Vulcan and her mother's da ek'zuru, T'Pol entered her bathroom and began her shower. She wondered why he chose to accept her, when most other men would abandon anyone after a rejection. Of course, her folly with Trellium D and the havoc it unleashed within her made any positive outcome unlikely. She closed her eyes as she stood completely under the streaming water and let the memories come. Fighting them served no logical purpose...
After Enterprise discovered the Seleya, and seeing the crew, she had lived and worked with reduced to the paranoid savageness of millenniums ago tore at her katra. When she herself began to lose control, she knew fear and rage, and she finally understood the danger present in her and her people. Terrible images featuring her and her human crewmates, culminating in the deaths of one hundred forty-seven of her people. Phlox stayed with her during the long process of recovery, soothing her as the terrors of her experience ravaged her mind. During the days that followed the haunting continued. T'Pol faced a true crisis of faith both in herself and in her Captain. Doubts plagued her about her loyalty to her people and her way of life. Intellectually, she knew beyond doubt that Captain Archer could not save the Seleya or its crew, but she struggled with his order to destroy it. Aside from herself, Jonathan Archer had little respect and no regard for Vulcans. He didn't treat the deaths of her Vulcan crewmates with the same empathy he had the Axanar, and T'Pol stayed isolated in her grief, determined to put their deaths behind her, to honor them in the Vulcan way, repressing all emotion. She couldn't know that the Trellium D had already left its indelible mark, and her logic failed.
She felt unfocused, like a sound beyond the edge of hearing, resounding in her brain, making it impossible to meditate, and neuro-pressure offered no relief. She went for days without sleep and found her appetite non-existent. Her sensitivity to the emotions that surrounded her increased to a fever pitch, relentlessly hammering at her mental controls' night and day. Phlox had assured her that the neurotoxin from the Trellium D was out of her system, so she attributed her symptoms to her pa'nar syndrome, as well as the aftereffects of Rajin's assault. Now, because of her Vulcan physiology, she became a liability to them. She had tried to persuade the Captain to leave her behind on a planet, but in his typical brash manner, he steadfastly refused to heed her logic. Knowing that Enterprise required Trellium D to complete and succeed in its mission required a bold and rapidly implemented solution.
Spunau bolayalar t'Wehku bolayalar t'Zamu il t'Veh. She reminded herself, deciding that to build up immunity required her to inject small amounts into her bloodstream. Eventually her immune system would accept the neurotoxin. At first, her plan appeared to be a success. Her ability to meditate slowly returned, she began getting regular rest, and while she was still sensitive to the emotions around her, they became manageable. She began to interact more easily with the people around her, and she found that lingering resentment of her was beginning to dissipate. For the first time since boarding Enterprise, she believed that the crew now accepted her.
Things went horribly wrong when she discovered that Commander Tucker performed neuro-pressure on Corporal Amanda Cole. She thought she knew betrayal with the discovery of her people's treachery at P'Jem. She visited Corporal Cole to correct the damage. The sense of betrayal she experienced as Amanda informed her of the intimacy shared between them stung. She should have explained more clearly to Commander Tucker about how deep the intimacy of neuro-pressure truly went. 'But would he care?' her mind questioned. Humans don't believe touch to be intimate, and based on the topics they discussed, it became obvious Commander Tucker felt comfortable entrusting the MACO woman with his feelings.
Why did he reject her? Hadn't she shown him that she cared about both his physical and mental state? Didn't he realize that she wouldn't have taken such actions if he were nothing more than a subordinate? She had confided the most private details of the mental assaults she endured by both Tolaris and Rajin to him. Did her trust and regard mean so little? Immediately she put the last question aside. He had told her that he respected her and valued her as a friend. Commander Charles Tucker the III was many things, but he had always been truthful. He never lied by word or omission, and he rarely exaggerated unless engaging in hyperbole. No— she mattered to him and she knew it. The question was, did Amanda Cole matter more to him? He must prefer Amanda Cole because she was human. He must think that as a Vulcan she would not want to hear his memories of his sister. Or perhaps he thought she would be offended by his emotions. She had offered many times to share his confidences, but perhaps he simply did not wish to share himself with a Vulcan. However, he had other human friends on board whom he refused to confide in. In a Vulcan relationship two people properly bonded and associated with each other for a much longer period before beginning neuro-pressure. She willingly defied this custom in order to help him, and he failed to see the significance. How could he so casually use her gift to him on another woman that he had just met? Now she must fix the damage he caused.
Pausing her memories, T'Pol checked on Charles through their bond sensing him still in meditation, but he seemed to be at peace now. Charles once taught her a human saying, "Hindsight is 20-20.' He told her that looking back at a past situation is always clearer because you now have information that you didn't have in the past. How true her ashal-veh's words were, for back then she'd believed in her control. She had believed so intensely that she acted in a logical, reasonable manner. Her actions that night had no logic. She wondered if she would ever be able to put these regrets in the past completely where it belonged.
"Commander, would you please desist in shouting? These quarters are a mere one hundred square feet, and as you know, Vulcan hearing is far superior to your own. I assure you that your tone is completely unnecessary," T'Pol said in her 'command voice.'
"Do me a favor and spare me the physiology lesson, T'Pol. I really am in no mood for a lecture on 'Why Vulcans are the superior beings.' Don't you dare try to turn this into a philosophy debate either! I want to know one thing and one thing only... Why was my double in this room?" Trip stopped yelling, his words came out hard, clipped and filled with his anger.
"He stated that he had feelings for me. However, he felt confused because he could not be sure they originated with him or yourself. He was quite concerned about this and the fact that he was to die in order to save you. I endeavored to ease his burdens," T'Pol stated as dispassionately as possible.
"How did you decide to 'ease his burdens' as you say? Did you perform neuro-pressure on him too?" Trip demanded.
"What does it matter if I had done so? I had more of a right to help him than you did with Amanda Cole! At least he thought me worthy of his confidence, something which you obviously do not intend to act on," T'Pol retaliated. T'Pol watched closely as his eyes darkened. She had only seen him enraged when encountering Xindi. Now that rage was directed at her, and she would not allow him to make her out to be the person in the wrong. He was human and he could not possibly understand her conflict about Sim.
"Let's get one thing straight, T'Pol, Sim was not me. He might have been a copy of me, but he was not me! I wish Jon had let me die. If I had known that such a procedure even existed, I would have put it in my record that I wanted a 'do not resuscitate' order. What he and Phlox did was murder, and I live with it." Trip's voice had gotten extremely quiet, with a death-like chill.
"I would never treat his existence as unimportant any more than I would yours, Commander. However, I believe Sim thought of himself as you, like a reflection in a mirror. I also disagreed with Captain Archer's decision however logical it was. Vulcans view all life as sacred!? I am only sorry that I was in no position to stop the Captain. I would have done so if I could have. I intend to file a formal protest with Starfleet when we return. I doubt actions would be taken against Captain Archer; any actions would be useless anyway. I must object to his order. It would be unthinkable for me to be silent," T'Pol answered finally revealing how she viewed the whole matter.
"When I was a kid, Mr. Velik was emphatic about respecting life in tenth grade. He explained it using Surak and made it a part of his lessons. He'd say, 'even the smallest cell deserves respect.' To tell you the truth, I thought it was the only thing I'd ever have in common with Vulcans. Jon knew I would have never agreed to it. I know that in that while it might be harder, this mission could have succeeded without me. I was very careful when I chose my crew when we started. I made sure that if something happened to me, Enterprise would have people that could handle it. But you never answered my original question." Trip demanded.
"No, Commander, I did not. He never had a need for it, or at least he never told me he did. The night he came to me in distress, I kissed him," T'Pol stated as if she was giving sensor readings on a new Minshara-Class planet.
"YOU DID WHAT!" Trip shouted in shock.
"I believe you heard me, Commander. I repeat there is no reason for you to raise your voice," T'Pol retorted, weary of his shouting. First, he'd changed the purpose of this discussion; now he'd made it more difficult.
"Where did you kiss him, T'Pol?" Trip growled.
"He was in approximately the same position you are now, Commander," T'Pol replied.
"You know that isn't what I meant, T'Pol." Trip bit out in frustration.
"Why do you care? You said that you believed that he was not you, therefore whatever my dealings with him are none of your concern," T'Pol asserted.
"Oh yes, they are, T'Pol. Precisely because he was my copy and not me. Vulcans don't even kiss the way humans do!" Trip countered.
"What would you know about that, Commander? I certainly have never spoken to you about Vulcan mating practices. You are so engrossed in pursuing Corporal Cole that I doubt you would find them interesting in any case." T'Pol hoped he would change the subject at last.
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Trip snapped, and rubbed his temples in frustration, "I am NOT pursuing Amanda, all right? There was exactly ONE neuro-pressure date— which I obviously screwed up, and one kiss that was nice, but not life changing. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're acting like a jealous wife. Why is it so important to you that I spend time with Amanda?"
"Why do you care that I kissed Sim? Or whether I preformed neuro-pressure on him or not? If I did not know better, I would say you are acting like a jealous husband," T'Pol said, satisfied using his own words against him.
"You want to know why? Here's why, T'Pol. I am jealous. I'm furious! I come to you week after week for neuro-pressure. I know that touching people is a taboo for you, especially a human. I try to do everything I can to make it as easy as possible for you. I control my physical reactions as best I can. I try not to bother you with my pesky emotions and memories. I give you the respect you deserve, and sometimes it isn't easy. I'm a Human man, T'Pol; I don't lock things away like you can. But I know my feelings can affect you, so I do the best I can for you. Yes, I went to Amanda. She's a lovely girl; we have so much in common. But I went to her because I can't always control myself around you. Believe it or not, you've become closer to me than anyone else, even Jon and Malcolm. It isn't right for me to ask any more of you than I have. Now you tell me that Sim- my 'copy', my 'reflection', comes to you with feelings he isn't sure are his... and you kiss him. Why couldn't you kiss me?" Trip raged, nearly howling in despair.
T'Pol hung on to every word, his tone demanding her complete attention— and an answer. She tried to formulate a proper answer, but the only thought her mind could form was, 'Amanda Cole cannot have him!' Instinctively she threw herself into his arms with her mouth sealed over his. Fortunately, her companion made things easier by responding after his initial moment of shock. As his arms wrapped around her, she took his face in her hands. Gently his lips began to move over hers slowly, taking his time to feel every touch. T'Pol let him lead, because after all, he was correct: Vulcans did not typically kiss in this fashion. Despite a myriad of sensations coursing through her mind and body, she almost felt in a meditative trance, until she felt his breath hitch, and he gently pulled away.
"If that was how you kissed Sim, he died happy. Thank you for that. It was wrong of me to feel jealous," Trip whispered a tiny smirk played on his lips.
"I assure you, the kiss I gave Sim bears no resemblance to the one we just shared," T'Pol replied. "However, if you believe I may have brought him a measure of contentment, I am gratified that I was able to be of some benefit to him, especially since I have no experience with this form of affection."
"T'Pol, why did you kiss me right now? I have no claim to you and no right to question your relationships with anyone, not even a copy of myself. If you kissed me because I was speaking out of foolish jealousy, I apologize," Trip said.
T'Pol thought about his question disturbed to discover that she had no clear reason for her actions. At first, she intended to show him that his relationship with Amanda Cole was inappropriate and ill-advised. When the subject turned to Sim things had changed. His jealousy had struck something within her, something she couldn't define or explain in words. The knowledge that he did not want her sharing intimacies a copy of himself echoed her own displeasure of Amanda Cole. "You do not like the idea of me sharing intimacies with another, not even your 'double.' And yet, you have confided in a woman you have known less than one Terran year. For months I have done all I can to assist you with your pain. I have told you things about me that no Vulcan would ever confide to anyone who was not a member of their immediate family, all in the hope that you would eventually be able to confide in me. I do not understand why you are unable to do so, but it is obvious that I am not enough. However, your choice of her is illogical. Lieutenant Reed is closer to you, so is Hoshi. While I am uncertain of the reasons for my actions, I need you to know that it was always my intention to be someone you could entrust your thoughts and feelings with. Perhaps that is why I kissed you. Perhaps I wanted to prove to you that I am enough, but I am uncertain," T'Pol spoke softly, trying to end her confusion.
Trip put his hand on her face, tilting it up so he could look into her beautiful smoky eyes. "I didn't realize what I was doing would affect you so much. Try to understand that I didn't do any of this because I am rejecting you. The truth is I feel far too much for you to be considered just friends, but I don't know what to do about it," Trip kept his voice calm, but the strain peeked through.
"Are you saying that you wish to form a romantic relationship with me?" T'Pol asked, her eyes visibly widening at the thought.
"I don't know T'Pol, I know that a part of me wants to be closer to you, but Vulcans don't have romantic relationships. Especially not with human men who are at best emotionally unstable. Hypothetically, if I did want a romantic relationship, would you be willing?" Trip asked, keeping his eyes locked with hers so she knew he was serious.
"I do not know if I am even capable of having such a relationship. Logically, I would be a most unsatisfactory partner for any human. Our cultures differ drastically when it comes to these things. I would not even know how to begin." her voice was filled with doubt.
"That's fair enough. If I asked you to give it some thought, would you?" Trip's hand began to tremble slightly as he realized what he was asking.
"I would consider it, if that is what you wish," she answered truthfully.
Trip held her close to him and he whispered, his thumb gently stroking her cheek, "I think I would like you to consider it. But whatever you decide, you can't ever be replaced T'Pol. Not ever. Not by anyone."
She had to acknowledge his words. Gently she reached for his face, her hands caressing his cheeks, fingers splayed on his temples. She drew him into a soft, chaste kiss much like she had given Sim. Warmth enveloped her with the intensity and brightness of the Vulcan sun. She felt him sigh as he pulled away, and just as she was about to speak the tactical alert sounded. With no time to waste, they each began rushing to their stations, unable to process the event that had taken place.
Later, during her meditation, she discovered something that chilled her to the bone: during both kisses with Commander Tucker, she had brushed her mind against his and sensed his thoughts. During the first kiss he had thought, 'this is when I wake up' when they broke apart. During the second he had thought, 'I can't wake up now!'
She would die herself before bringing harm to him; she had to stop the path they were on. His safety - his sanity - maybe his very life - depended on it. Shame filled her so acutely she thought she might be crushed under its unseen weight. Tomorrow she would stop this madness and hope that the damage would not be irreversible.
As T'Pol sat across from Commander Tucker the next morning, she gathered every scrap of Vulcan mental discipline at her disposal to keep her control. "I have given the matter of a romantic relationship between us a great deal of thought Commander. I have discovered that it would be an unacceptable risk for both of us," she stated with cool efficiency.
She watched in agony Trip went completely still his eyes wide. "T'Pol I know I said that it would be all right if you didn't want to be with me, and it is. What happened between last night and now to make it a risk?" he asked.
"I have done something that could cause you harm. It would be dangerous for you to become more intimate with me." Her voice was strong and sure, but her eyes lowered to her hands.
"Hold on and start at the beginning. How did you harm me? T'Pol, I'm fine. I'm tired because I didn't have a chance to sleep much because we were attacked, but you didn't do anything that could remotely harm me," Trip stated, as he tried to tilt her face up to his. T'Pol sharply jerked away from his touch.
"You do not understand, Commander. Last night my mind touched yours. I do not know how it happened, but I do know it is dangerous. We cannot put ourselves in the position where it could happen again. The danger is too great. I will not allow it," she snapped, feeling her control slipping.
"How do you know your mind touched mine? I certainly didn't feel anything, and I don't see why it would be dangerous either. I'm not a telepath, T'Pol. I can't hurt you and I certainly would never try. I'm not Tolaris, or Rajin," he kept his voice as soothing as possible.
"Commander, I am not concerned that you would harm me. The danger I speak of is to you, not me. Indeed, I am more dangerous to you than both Tolaris and Rajin. You have no mental defenses against me, and it is entirely possible that I could transmit the pa'nar syndrome to you. I have already violated you twice! What is worse is that I am unable to prevent such contact between us. I cannot allow that to happen, your very life may depend on it!" She could look at him now her face and voice revealing nothing but determination.
"All right. First, you didn't violate me. Whatever happened was an accident. Second, how do you know I could contract pa'nar? I'm human. I could be immune. Finally, how do you know you can't control it?" Trip countered.
"Whether or not the mental contact between us was an accident is irrelevant. It happened, and without your consent. That is a violation. Also, the only way to find out if you could indeed contract pa'nar is through a mind-meld, which is something I refuse to attempt. If you are not immune, it could destroy your brain far more quickly than mine. Finally, I know I cannot control it because I did not know I had done it until hours later, when I heard your thoughts in my mind," T'Pol stated, refusing to even consider alternatives.
"OK. What thoughts of mine did you hear? I want to have all of the information, so I understand this," Trip replied.
"After our first kiss ended you thought, 'this is when I wake up.' At the end of the second kiss, you thought, 'I can't wake up now!' I assure you they were yours," she said.
"It's OK, T'Pol. We'll forget it happened. You didn't violate me, and everything is going to be all right. We're probably not in any shape for a real relationship anyway. The mission needs all our focus, no distractions. I'm not emotionally stable as it is, and the last thing you need is all of that pressure on you," Trip replied in a calm, neutral voice.
"Commander, are we still friends? Will we continue our neuro-pressure sessions?" T'Pol asked, her uncertainty ringing clearly through her voice.
"Of course, we're friends, and yes, I'll see you tomorrow as usual. I need sleep, and you need to keep up so the pa'nar stays in check. This isn't a terrible thing, T'Pol. It was two wonderful kisses and I don't regret anything." Trip assured her.
"If it means anything, I wish for you to know that you are irreplaceable to me as well, Commander," T'Pol whispered.
"It means everything, T'Pol. I'm about to go on duty. I'll see you later." Trip gave her a soft smile and left.
T'Pol turned off the shower and dried off. His smile was still burned in her memory, but it was the sadness she had seen in his eyes that had stayed in her heart. If that had been the only time, she'd caused her ashalik pain, the memory would be easily suppressed. Today every one of those memories were demanding contemplation. If she could deal with them now, she might be able to move past them and put them away while grieving for Elizabeth. All the pain inflicted on them either through their own actions, or events beyond their control, would be put away forever. They would be left with only the good things throughout their relationship. She was determined that before they left Vulcan their bond would be complete. This was the time she would finally cast off the remnants of the things that had kept her from fully giving herself to Charles.