Chapter 2: The hardest decision
Two days had passed since the summon to the Auror Department and the following conversation with Remus, Isadora and Moody. Tonks had been spending most of her time with her parents, who didn't understand her sudden clinginess. She felt the need to be with them, to enjoy as much time as possible with her family while considering the possibility of leaving them behind. Sometimes, she felt she was crazy to even contemplate the idea of travelling back in time. Other times, she was just as excited as when she first heard about it. It wasn't only because of her sense of adventure, although it was a large part of it, but also due to her sense of duty.
The metamorphmagus had decided to become an auror to protect those who needed help. She had always fought for what she thought was right and stood up for her beliefs. Tonks had a strong moral code and knowing that there was a situation where she was needed, she could not condone staying behind. That didn't mean she was not afraid.
It was Monday morning, so it was time to return to her training. She went through the motions like any other day, working hard with her fellow trainees and having a few laughs in between. The young witch was not the only one a bit more absent minded than usual, but she tried her best to relegate the thoughts of her impending decision to the back of her brain. I wouldn't do to be distracted while practicing combat exercises.
After one more grueling day at the training center, she was off to her friend's birthday party. Steven Quinn had been a Ravenclaw in her year and one of the few people who had looked past her morphing ability. It had been hard for eleven-year-old Tonks to make friends with kids who didn't consider her either extremely cool or a freak of nature because of what she was. Eventually, they had formed an eclectic group that included people from every house. There was Charlie from Gryffindor, who was abroad working with dragons; Abby, her best friend from Hufflepuff, who was about to get married to their other friend Daniel, also a Ravenclaw; Natalie from Slytherin; Steven and, of course, Tonks. They had all been close since third year, but lately they had been seeing each other less and less. It was understandable, all of them had commitments of their own, but it didn't make her any less sad.
She arrived at Steven's home and was immediately pounded on by Abby. The excited girl gossiped about everything and everyone they knew and some people they didn't, while Tonks listened and tried to answer at the right places.
"Tonks!" her friend whined when she failed to react properly to some story she was not paying attention to. "You are not listening!"
"Oh, I'm sorry Abby, I'm a bit distracted today. Do you know where Steven is?" she changed the subject quickly.
"He was in the garden with the rest of the guys," muttered Abby, not appreciating being ignored.
"All right, let's go there, we can catch up later Abby, I promise."
They joined the other guests and soon the atmosphere had driven most of her troubled thoughts away. They were dancing and laughing, not worrying about anything. There were not many people; just their group, Natalie's boyfriend and some of Steven's friends from work. However, there were enough for Tonks to be able to fade in the background for a while, participating in the activities without much input from her tired brain.
In a lull on the action around her, she was once again lost in thought when Steven approached her.
"Are you going to tell me what's troubling you?" he asked in an uncharacteristically serious tone.
Tonks jumped a bit, surprised. She had not heard him sit down next to her.
"Steve! Don't do that!" she scolded him after nearly falling from her seat. "I have a lot on my mind, I'm a bit distracted."
"I noticed," he stated candidly. "Anything I can help you with?"
The witch pondered what to say. She was not supposed to share anything, but she really needed to talk with someone...
"Are your parents okay?" probed her friend, concerned.
"What?" she exclaimed, disturbed "Yes, they are great, it has nothing to do with them."
"That's a relief," said Steven, relaxing on the chair. "Something about work then?"
"Since when are you this perceptive?" inquired Tonks, eyes narrowed on the wizard.
"Always have been, you just didn't notice," he answered promptly.
Tonks slapped him lightly on the shoulder and he sniggered at her.
"I think I'm getting a little too predictable," she complained. "Yes, there is something going on at work, but I'm not supposed to say anything. I made an oath of secrecy."
"That serious?" he was worried once again.
"Yeah, they want us to go on a long term mission, deep undercover, no contact with friends and family," she explained as best as she could without breaking the oath.
"That's horrible! Why would you do that?"
"Well, it's for a very important reason…" she said vaguely. "And it's not like I'm infiltrating a supremacist group or going somewhere awful; I would be working with good people, friends even."
"I don't understand… Why would you be undercover with no contact if you are going to be with good people?"
Tonks racked her brain for an answer. How could she ever explain it without mentioning the time traveling? She couldn't tell him that she had to disguise herself not to be confused for her younger self…
She sighed heavily. "It's really complicated, that's why I was hesitant to tell you in the first place," she backtracked at the look on his face. "But I am glad I did, I need to discuss this in order to make a decision."
Steven stayed silent for a while, contemplating the problem. He finally reached a conclusion and voiced it.
"All right, I won't pretend to understand what this mission is or why they are recruiting a trainee. However, I think what you need to ask yourself is this; would you be happier if you go or if you stay? Which choice can you really live with? You shouldn't decide to accept the mission because of a sense of obligation, it would make you miserable," he said with a knowing look.
It was that idea that stayed with Tonks for the rest of the week. Steven knew her pretty well and he understood her need of working for great causes, her fighting spirit. Nevertheless, he recommended caution and thinking about what she needed to be content with her own life. Such a simple concept that she sometimes overlooked, not being used to having to work for her happiness. Tonks had always had a good family, never lacked anything in terms of possessions, she had loyal friends and a job she loved. She didn't want for anything. It was eye-opening for the young witch to realize how lucky she actually was.
It was Friday evening and she had arranged to meet the challenging trio once again. Tonks had decided to inform them that she was not going to accept the assignment, she couldn't risk losing everything she had and being alone for eight years. There were too many people who would have killed to have a life like hers, the metamorphmagus wasn't about to give hers up.
She arrived at Moody's office and knocked decisively on the door. At the response to enter, the pink haired witch walked inside with a determined expression and noticed that the Lupins were already there.
"I see that you made up your mind," observed Isadora quietly. "Before you tell us, there is one more thing you need to hear from us."
Tonks deflated slightly, eager to get past this nerve wreaking experience. She nodded at her to continue.
"When Harry arrived at 1981 he was not alone," she explained. "There was a child with him, who came from the future as well."
"A child!" Tonks said, confused. "Why would he take a child with him?"
"Sentimental reasons," said Remus, smiling sadly at her. "He had been raising that child as his own and he knew that as soon as he succeeded in changing the past, the kid would disappear. Harry couldn't bear that thought, so he chose to take him to 1981 and leave him to be raised by other people."
"I understand, I probably would have done the same thing," mused Tonks thoughtfully. "Why are you telling me this? It's not going to change my decision."
"It might," chuckled Isadora. "The kid's name was Teddy Lupin and he was the son of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks from 1998."
She stopped breathing. Everyone was watching her and she was panicking. The little kid who had played with her was her son! She was too young to be someone's mother. Hell, she was closer in age to Teddy than to Remus! That thought made her giggle hysterically, causing some concern from the unspeakable and amusement from the aurors.
"Nymphadora, are you all right?" asked Remus, probably worried about her sanity.
"Don't call me that," she managed to say without her usual venom. Nonetheless, it seemed to do the trick and convinced Remus that she was okay. She managed to get control of her giggles and took a huge breath to steady herself.
"I believe you were right, this changes things," she eventually said, looking at Isadora.
"You still have time to choose, you don't have to answer right now," stated Moody, almost sympathetically.
"Is there any more life altering information that you want to give me?" asked Tonks in a defeated tone, rubbing her face and trying to stop the headache that she knew was coming.
"Not right now," said Isadora cheerfully, making her groan loudly.
"We have much more to tell you, but only if you decide to travel" clarified Remus.
Tonks didn't know if that made it easier or harder, to know that there were still stuff she didn't know about. However, in that moment she didn't think she could handle any more. She returned home to lay down on her bed and look at the ceiling, examining everything they had told her about the past. Nothing had convinced her that she was actually needed, that there was a possibility for her to make a life for herself in 1981, until they had told her about Teddy. He was her son and if she stayed he would never know her as her mother, only as her cousin Tonks. Strangely, that broke her heart.
Teddy already had a mother, Isadora was great with him. Nevertheless, as far as she knew Isadora wasn't even in the picture at the time - Tonks had met her after her first year at Hogwarts, more than a year later. Teddy had been born during a war and lived the first years of his life with broken teenagers, before being carried almost twenty years to the past and losing all the people he had known. All that must have been quite traumatic for the poor kid. He was her own flesh and blood; she might not have given birth to him, but Teddy was hers. Therefore, it was her responsibility to help him. But more than that, she could feel it in her bones and her magic, the need to be there for him, to help her son cope with the tragedies that life had thrown at him.
Her mind continued to circle around the same thoughts for a while. However, in her heart Tonks knew that the decision was made. She couldn't abandon her own son. That didn't mean she was not going to fight to keep everything she had in her life, like her parents. They deserved to know that Teddy was their grandson and the metamorphmagus refused to lie and hide from them for eight years. So, she would have to negotiate with her bosses to let them in on the secret. Her friends were more difficult, as they would all be ten years old and not really her friends yet. The young witch would have to wait until she reached this year to talk to them again. That was going to be painful…
She was not the best at negotiating terms, but in this case it would be necessary. If they want her to go back – and she was pretty sure they did – she had some demands of her own.
Tonks spend the rest of the weekend planning her best approach for the confrontation. She requested another meeting and, at Monday evening, she was in Moody's office once again, with the old auror giving her his full attention.
"Did you change your mind girl?" asked Moody, pleased with himself.
"I'm not entirely sure. I have some conditions that will like to discuss."
"Let's hear them, then."
"Uhm, ok. Firstly, as you have already informed me that I will be working with Remus and the others, it is certain that I will be having contact with Teddy and I want him to know who I really am. I refuse to lie to him or anyone in that team."
"Done."
The quick acceptance threw her off. "Oh, all right. Secondly, I want to inform my parents of my mission, now and in 1981."
"Easily accomplished. What else?"
"I can't hide the fact that I'm a methamorphmagus for so long, so it has to be included in my new identity."
"Sounds reasonable. Anything else?"
"Well, I would like a pay rise… "
Moody snorted "Keep dreaming girl, in the past you will be earning less. There would be more training and less work, at least at the beginning."
Tonks pouted, but she hadn't actually expected him to agree on that one. She was truly surprised that he had not fight her more on the other issues, after all they had done to insist on the secrecy. He seemed to understand what she was thinking and explained it to her.
"The secrecy oath is mainly for the people who won't be volunteering to take part on the mission. We will be discussing each case individually to decide on the permissions to divulge the particulars to family members."
"But you already knew who would accept it and who would not. I don't get it, why did you asked so many extra people to attend that meeting?"
"Because those extra people, as you call them, deserved the opportunity as well. We don't know exactly what happened the first time around, only who showed up in the past. That is something you will need to learn to be able to work in what is basically a time loop; the results might be predetermined for you, but not the process. You need to ignore it as much as possible, live your life as normally as you can, or you are going to drive yourself insane thinking of the what ifs."
He had given her much to think about. After the old auror's speech, he had dismissed her and told her to focus on her training for the rest of the week. That Friday they would be confirming the mission participants and assigning mentors to help stablishing the new backgrounds and teach them what they needed to know to work in 1981. She was equal parts eager and apprehensive.